Believe

Chapter Three Robin

“Thanks for doing that,” Tyler said to me as he drove me home. “You know, it’s cool for Easton to feel kinda special.”

“Sure. I was happy to do it.” I felt my phone vibrate in my lap, and I pulled it out, seeing it was another text from Phoenix. I hadn’t saved him as a contact yet but I knew it was him. I had sent him a kitten pic back in response to his honey badger video. Just a fluffy white kitten with a black mane of fur around its face. It was the first kitten I found when I did an online search and it didn’t actually say anything. It was just the kitten drinking from a tall glass of milk.

I opened the text. It said, Is this you? I see the resemblance.

Furry? I tapped back.

Milk drinker.

Feeling like I might smile when I shouldn’t, I shoved the phone back in my pocket without responding. But I did ask Tyler, “What’s the deal with your cousin?”

“What do you mean?”

“Is he . . . I don’t know . . . nice?” That wasn’t what I wanted to ask exactly but I didn’t know how to really express myself.

But something about what I said seemed to tip Tyler off. He turned and glanced at me. “Oh, no. No, no, and no. You are not allowed to be interested in my cousin.”

“Why?” I asked, stung by his vehemence. “Not that I am, but I mean, I know I’m like a total mess and I’m not exactly hot these days but . . .” I stopped speaking, appalled by what was coming out of my mouth. And because there was no “but.” I could no longer claim to be a fun party girl, or a loyal friend, or someone with a healthy dose of self-respect and confidence. I had none of those things anymore.

Nor did I bother doing my nails or getting a bikini wax or wearing anything other than saggy jean shorts and huge T-shirts anymore either.

“Robin, that is not what I meant, Christ.” Tyler shook his head. “I meant you are way too nice of a girl to be getting involved with him. Phoenix, well, he has problems.”

Didn’t we all.

“What kind of problems?”

“Big ones. He just . . . it’s just . . .” Tyler shook his head. “Just don’t go there with him, seriously. You’ll regret it.”

“But he’s your cousin,” I said, my phone vibrating again to remind me I hadn’t answered Phoenix’s text. “And I’m not going anywhere. I was just asking about him.”

“I care about Phoenix. I do. But he’s not easy to get close to.”

“What do you think about his girlfriend? Angel?” I knew I should have dropped the subject, but I couldn’t seem to help it. I was morbidly curious.

“I’d never even met her before tonight. But he usually picks head cases. Like his mother. Freud would have something to say about that.”

“Freud was full of shit,” I said, because I was annoyed with the whole conversation. I didn’t want to be talked out of feeling a little twinge of pleasure at the fact that Phoenix had shown interest in me. Whether it was just to be friends, or something more, was irrelevant. I just wanted someone to look at me, in all my pale, non-drinking glory, and think I was someone they wanted to talk to. That’s all.

“You know you’re going to have to move into the house you all rented,” Tyler said, totally changing the subject. “Unless you’re mad at Rory or Kylie, there is no reason you can’t. So either clear the air or drop the whole thing.”

I bit my fingernail, and stared out the car window as we pulled into the driveway of the house we had rented for the school year. “I’m not mad at anyone.” Except myself.

“Then why do you want to move out?” Tyler parked the car and stared at me. “Seriously.”

“I don’t know,” I lied. It wasn’t even a lie of effort. It was just a lame shrug off.

But Tyler didn’t let it go. “It’s because of Kylie, isn’t it?” he asked.

Startled, I turned to him, my heart rate kicking up a notch. “What do you mean?”

“Look, Robin, I saw you and Nathan making out at the Shit Shack at that party that night, the one where Riley got into it with the frat dude. You were in his car and you were kissing and I saw it.”

Mortification caused a blush to stain my cheeks. I wasn’t sure what to say. “I don’t remember that,” I told him honestly. “I blacked out that night.”

“But you know you did, don’t you?” Tyler held out his hand. “Look, I haven’t said anything to anyone, not even Rory, so just be honest with me.”

“Please don’t,” I begged him, terrified he would tell the truth and Kylie would be devastated and everyone would hate me. “I would never do that sober, I would never hurt Kylie. I feel awful about it. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done, and that’s why I can’t live there. I can’t even look at Kylie without thinking I am the worst sort of friend ever.”

Tyler drummed his fingers on the wheel, taking one last drag of his cigarette before tossing it out the open window. “It was just that one time, right?” he asked.

“Yes.” I nodded vehemently. “It was vodka, plain and simple. It will never happen ever again.”

“And that’s why you haven’t been drinking.”

“Exactly.” I looked at the house, tears welling up in my eyes. “I just can’t act like nothing happened . . .”

“But you have to,” Tyler told me. “You have to try to be normal or it’s all going to come puking out and then Kylie will just be hurt. You know Jess. She’s like a dog with a freaking bone. She won’t let this go. So the best thing to do is to stay in the house like you planned. That way you won’t fuck Kylie over twice by sticking her with extra rent, too.”

“I was going to pay the rent,” I protested weakly, stung by his use of the phrase “fuck Kylie over.” It was the truth, the unintentional truth, and it was horrible.

“Robin.” Tyler’s voice softened. “We all make mistakes. Don’t make another one.”

“This wasn’t a small mistake.” I dug my fingernails into my thighs, wanting the distraction so I wouldn’t cry.

“Neither was me breaking up with Rory on Christmas.” He gave me a smile. “I mean, that was a huge mistake.”

I gave a watery laugh. “That wasn’t your finest moment, I’ll admit that.”

“I know you think you’re doing the right thing for Kylie, but seriously, the right thing is to stick to the plan.”

I wasn’t sure what I was going to do anymore, but I did appreciate that he wasn’t screaming at me that I was a drunken slut. “Thanks, Tyler.”

When I got out of the car, I paused on the big, wooden front porch and watched him back out and pull away. Sitting on the steps, I let the hot sun seep into my skin, and I twisted my hair up into a messy bun that I tied off with my own hair. Then I pulled out my phone and answered Phoenix, unable to resist, bad idea or not.

There was too much time in my own head, too many minutes to turn around and around what I had done and why and what it said about me. Too much time to feel the guilt weaving its way into the fabric of me, so that if I tried to tug it out it would unravel all of me.

The urge to talk to someone who was a total stranger, who knew nothing about me, was irresistible.

Milk does a body good.

Then I immediately thought maybe that was too flirty. So I added a second text.

What are you doing?

Which then seemed like a stupid question to ask. What was he going to say? Nothing. And would he think that was suggestive or something? And why did I care?

It seemed like I didn’t remember the rules anymore, the normal way to talk to a guy without parties and booze and hookups. Or maybe it was just I didn’t know how to talk to a guy like Phoenix.

It was ten minutes before he responded. I wasn’t doing anything, just lolling in the sun, cradling my phone and trying to work up ambition to take a shower.

When he did respond, it surprised me.

Working out. Thinking about you.

A shiver ran through me. There was no mistaking that message.

Thinking what?

That I want to see you. Busy tonight? Want to hang out?

There was no question that I wanted to. But should I?

I glanced out at the street, at the cars lining up and down Ludlow Avenue. We had the second and third floors of an old house, and I did like the neighborhood. But it was lonely living in the house solo for the summer, and I had no plans for the night. I could go inside and watch a movie by myself or I could watch a movie with someone else. Someone who just might understand what it felt like to be lonely.

Sure. Want to come over? Watch a movie?

I didn’t think he had any money and I didn’t have any ambition to change my clothes. I didn’t want to go out out. I didn’t want it to feel like a date, and I didn’t want there to be alcohol around. I just wanted to feel comfortable again.

He sent me a picture back. It was a cat, leaping through the air. THIS, it said.

I laughed. He had a quiet sense of humor that I liked. Is that yes?

Yes. Address? I’ll take the bus.

I can pick you up.

Maybe that sounded a little pathetic or overeager, but I was exhausted with the games I had been playing with guys since I had turned thirteen and sprouted breasts. I was tired, hot, and I wanted company, and he was offering it, so why I wait an hour and a half for him to take the bus when I could pick him up? The key to successful distraction was to not have time to talk yourself out of taking the distraction.

So while I felt a reflexive twinge that I shouldn’t make it easy for Phoenix, I got over it.

You have a car?

Yes.

K. Meet me at the corner of Riley’s street in the CVS parking lot in an hour.

He wanted me to pick him up at the drugstore? So he clearly didn’t want anyone to know he was going to be with me. My first instinct was to be insulted, but then I thought about what Tyler had said to me about Phoenix and staying away from him. It didn’t make any sense for me to piss off the one person who knew the truth about Nathan, so I probably shouldn’t be seen with Phoenix anyway. It felt weird that after worrying all summer that someone would find out, I now knew that Tyler had known the whole time.

It made the shame feel fresh and throbbing.

I wanted to run away from it.

Ok. See you then.

With forty-five minutes to kill, I flipped through a magazine but it bored me and I wound up staring into space again, biting my fingernail as my thoughts absorbed the time. Glancing at my phone, I decided I should leave or I’d be late. Not bothering to change or even put on lip gloss, I walked down the driveway to my car. I wasn’t going to primp for him. This was it. Me. Sober. Hanging on by a thread.

When I pulled into the parking lot at the drugstore, he was leaning against the wall, waiting, one foot back on the stucco. His hair was in his eyes again, and he was wearing a black T-shirt and the cargo shorts he had pulled on earlier, when I had been cataloguing his tattoos. I noticed now there was another one on the back of his calf, but I couldn’t tell what it was. He wasn’t my type at all. I was usually into guys who had a lot of bulk, who made me feel petite and feminine next to them, and who were loud and chatty, the communications and marketing majors.

Phoenix looked dangerous. An elderly woman gave him a wide berth when she shuffled from her car to the store, eyeing him with suspicion. Unlike his cousins, though, he didn’t have any accessories, no chains, no studded bracelets. Riley and Tyler would make the metal detector at the airport lose its shit, they were always that covered in hardware. But Phoenix was bare except for his tattoos.

There was something beautiful about him. I knew I shouldn’t think of a guy in those terms, but he was. He had a strong jaw, cheekbones that a model would kill for, and that dark hair that fell with an ease that normally required a pro blowout, when I knew in reality he had probably just finger-combed it. I wasn’t sure if what I felt as I watched him was attraction, or simply appreciation that he was good-looking in a different way, one that spoke to me now, at this particular point in my life.

The outsider intrigued by the outsider.

Because that was how I felt—a self-imposed outsider in my former life.

I waved, and he pushed himself off the wall, raising a hand back in greeting.

When he opened the door and got into the passenger seat, he nodded slightly to the right, the corner of his mouth turned up in amusement. “Woman in the car next to you is debating calling the cops. She thinks you’re here to buy drugs from me.”

Glancing past him, I saw there was a middle-aged woman with two kids in the backseat, and she was shaking her head in disgust, cell phone in her hand poised in front of her face, like she was debating whether or not it was worth it.

“Do I look like a meth addict?” I asked, glancing down at my grubby clothes. “Maybe I should have changed.”

“It’s not you, it’s me. People in this neighborhood can smell when you’ve been on the inside, I swear.” He gave me a shrug, his dark eyes indecipherable. “If I wasn’t so recently out, it might be entertaining. But I don’t want to deal with cops and their bullshit.”

I pulled out of the spot, glancing over at him. “You don’t have drugs on you, do you?” I hadn’t thought about that at all. I didn’t know if he was a user or not. Maybe those were the issues Tyler was talking about. The thought of having drugs in my car terrified me. All it took was one cop and I could find myself in serious trouble.

“No. I don’t do drugs. Or sell them. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke.” His knee came up to rest on the glove box of my car. “I’m a regular fucking Boy Scout, that’s what I am.”

It didn’t sound like sarcasm, but I wasn’t entirely sure if he was being serious or not. “I don’t do drugs. Or sell them. Or drink. Or smoke. But I did quit Girl Scouts in third grade once I realized they wanted us to sleep in a tent.”

He gave a half laugh. “Seriously?”

“Seriously. Nature makes me uncomfortable. And I was very concerned about using an outhouse.”

“Valid concern.” There was a pause then he asked, “So you don’t drink ever?”

“No. I used to, but I felt myself getting out of control with it, so I cut it out of my life.” It wasn’t something I needed and I didn’t mind telling Phoenix that. In fact, it felt empowering to say this was the way it was. I didn’t drink. Ever.

“How long has it been?”

“Ten weeks and three days.” The fact that I knew to the day surprised me. I guess I had been mentally ticking off each day without being entirely conscious of it.

“That’s awesome, seriously.”

As I drove back toward my house, I was very aware of the space he took up in my car, how he didn’t move at all, but his eyes were trained on me the entire time. For a second, I wished that I had worn a different shirt, one that didn’t have a coffee stain on the stomach area. But it didn’t matter. That’s not what this was about.

And I found myself weirdly excited that I had met someone who didn’t drink either. Someone who wasn’t going to be a preachy asshole about it. “Thanks,” I said. “I feel good about my choice. It’s working for me.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone else who was totally clean,” he said, sounding intrigued by the idea.

I laughed. “Me either. We could form our own club. The Clean Club. Like the Clean Plate Club, only without the plate.”

He didn’t say anything, and when I shot a glance at him, his nose was scrunched up. “No?”

“I don’t know what the Clean Plate Club is, sorry. Though I’m down with being in the Clean Club. Membership two, huh?” He held his fist out to give me a bump, and at the red light I did, reaching out to him with a quick tap with my knuckles.

“The Clean Plate Club is what my mother always told me I could be in if I ate all of my dinner. It’s some bizarre attempt by parents to force kids to eat foods they don’t like or to essentially overeat in my opinion. So your mom didn’t do that, I take it?”

He made a sound, like that was hilarious. “Hardly. Most of the time my mother forgot to buy food. I guess I was automatically a member of the club.”

God, that sounded awful, and I felt like my foot was jammed up in my mouth. Pulling into my driveway I parked the car and turned to him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

But he shook his head. “No. Hell no. Don’t do that. That’s not why I brought it up. I don’t want or need pity. I’m just telling it like it is.”

Was there pity on my face? I guess there was, because I did feel a profound sympathy for his childhood. It wasn’t fair that some kids got awesome parents and some got shitty ones. But that wasn’t really the same thing as pity. “Injustice makes me feel sad. It’s not personal.”

A ghost of a smile flitted across his face. “Cool. This your place? You got any milk? That would be my drink of choice for the night.”

“Are you serious?” I asked, again not really sure. I turned off the car and palmed the keys nervously.

“Well, I’m pretty confident you’re a milk drinker. So am I.”

“Why, because of the kitten? That wasn’t a subliminal message.” Though he was right. I did drink milk. Behind coffee, it was my favorite drink. I wasn’t big on soft drinks. They left me hungry with an aftertaste in my mouth.

He just shrugged. “Because I can sense it. You have chocolate syrup, too, don’t you?”

“Of course. I have strawberry, too. Even milk needs a little variety now and then.” And were we really talking about milk? It seemed so random and innocent.

As we climbed the front porch, I hesitated at the front door. I realized I still didn’t know why Phoenix had been jail and my assumption that it was drug– or alcohol-related was clearly wrong. But if he were a serial rapist or a girlfriend beater, Tyler would have said that. Neither would Riley let him stay in the house with Jessica living there. Pushing my key into the lock, I studied him like his cheekbones, his eyelashes, could reveal the truth about him.

But only his lips could do that, and he wasn’t volunteering, and I couldn’t ask. It seemed too personal.

He flipped his hair out of his eye. “What? Having second thoughts about hanging out with me?”

I shook my head slowly, because I really wasn’t. I was just curious. “Just thinking that life is weird.” Every decision, every choice, altered the course of our lives, and it was sort of mind-blowing if you stopped and really thought about it.

“Life is like waiting in line at the grocery store. You wait, you slowly move forward, you pay the price, then you exit unsatisfied and broke.”

Shoving the door open I frowned, disturbed by his description. “That’s cynical.”

“I’m not cynical. I’m realistic. And hey, if you choose to be patient, content, then it’s all good. You don’t mind the line.”

“I’m not exactly sure what I am, but I don’t think I’m cynical,” I told him as we started up the stairs to the second floor and my apartment.

“Optimism is a luxury not afforded to the poor.”

I so did not agree with that. “That’s not true. Without optimism no one would ever achieve upward mobility. Without the belief that you can have more, you don’t reach for it.”

The corner of his mouth turned up.

“What?” I asked now. I opened the door to the apartment.

Phoenix carelessly shrugged his shoulder. “Nothing other than I appreciate that you have an opinion. Nice place.” He moved into the apartment, hands in his pockets. “So who lives here?”

“Rory, Tyler’s girlfriend, and our friend Kylie.” I tossed my keys on the kitchen table. “Jessica was supposed to, but then her parents cut her off and she decided to live with Riley.”

“So why does she get to be on your ass about wanting to move out when she was the first one to ditch?”

Good question. “I guess she feels like she had a good reason. Her parents wanted her to major in religion and marry a guy from their church and when she said she wasn’t interested and that she was with Riley, they cut off her money. So she’s too broke to stay here. I don’t have any excuse.”

Yanking the fridge handle, I winced at the hypocrisy of that. I did have a good reason, just not one I could share with anyone.

Fortunately, he didn’t call me out on it. “What’s Rory like? I can’t see Tyler digging the same kind of girl as Riley.”

Pulling the milk out, I set it on the counter. “She’s totally different even though she and Jessica are tight. Rory is sweet and very logical. She doesn’t play games and she really loves Tyler. She thinks he’s the bomb-dot-com.”

“Must be nice.”

“Yeah. It must.” I set two plastic tumblers down and said, “You pour. I’ll get the chocolate syrup.”

He tossed the tumblers in the air in an attempt at juggling or fancy bartending. He was actually pretty good at it, managing to have them spinning while he switched them to hand to hand.

“Wow. Impressive.”

“I’m good with my hands.”

If another guy had said that, I would have either rolled my eyes or giggled, depending on my level of interest, assuming he was flirting. But Phoenix didn’t seem to be flirting in any way. He just seemed like he had needed to get out of the house and I was a convenient way to do that. Like he was mildly curious about me, but not much more than that.

He used the chocolate syrup sparingly, tinting the white milk a soft caramel color. “What’s the point in using any at all?” I asked, squeezing hard to create an inch of chocolate sludge at the bottom of my glass.

“Subtle flavor, that’s all. Just taking the milk up a notch, not drowning it out.” Then he raised his glass in the air and waited for me to do the same. “To the Clean Club.”

“Cheers.” We tapped glasses, and I thought that I should feel uncomfortable around him, considering how little I knew him and how different he was from other guys I’d known, but I didn’t.

We sat on the couch, and the space between us felt natural, a foot or two so we weren’t touching, but not an awkward gap of huge proportions where we both hugged the arms. Scrolling through our movie options, we settled on an action movie and we watched, silent, drinking our milk. I drew my feet up under my legs, and he propped one foot on the coffee table and slumped down in the couch.

It was entertaining enough to hold my interest, and when it was over Phoenix said, “That didn’t suck.”

“So generous in your praise.”

“Cynic. Told you.”

I smiled. “That means its time for a romantic comedy.”

“Really? Do I have to?” He gave me a pained look, but I wasn’t buying it. I had seen how long he had lingered on a Julia Roberts movie in the queue when I had let him have the remote to scroll.

“Yes. It’s mandatory. Like taxes and Taco Tuesdays.”

He gave a laugh. “What? How the hell are tacos mandatory?”

“Because my grandmother says so, that’s how, even though they aren’t Puerto Rican.” I smiled back, pleased that I had amused him, and happy that I actually had wanted to crack a joke. I felt almost . . . normal.

“She the boss in your family?”

“Oh yeah. She has always lived with us and she is totally in charge. She’s my dad’s mother, and she was born in Puerto Rico, though she came here when she was four.”

“So you’re half Puerto Rican? What’s your last name?”

“Yes, though it drives my grandmother crazy how totally American my dad is. Basically the only Latino thing about him is his religion and our last name—DeLorenzo. My mom’s family is a mix of European.”

“That’s a cool name. And now I see where you got your dark hair.” He pointed to my head.

“Where did you get your dark hair?” It was as dark as mine.

“My mom and my aunt Dawn both have—well, Dawn had—light brown hair, but my grandmother’s hair was black, so probably from her. I couldn’t tell you about my father since I’ve never met him and I’ve never seen a picture of him. My mom didn’t even give me his last name, nor did she ever tell me what it was. I’m a Sullivan.”

“How did you get the name Phoenix? We’re both named after birds. How random is that?” Reaching forward, I drained the last of my milk, which was warm, and licked some chocolate off the rim.

“I wasn’t named after the bird. My mother just had a thing for River Phoenix, and he died right before I was born.” Phoenix rolled his eyes. “Nothing like being named after a dude who OD’d on heroin and cocaine. Seems right for my mother, though.”

“It’s still a cool name,” I said truthfully. “It makes you unique.”

“Or a freak.”

“There’s that cynical thing again.”

He smiled slowly. “I’m a lost cause.”

“You’ll change your mind after you’ve watched Mamma Mia!” I lifted the remote.

“You’re really going to make me watch this?”

“Yes. ‘Dancing Queen’ will change your life. But first, we need refills.” Taking his glass and mine, I went for more milk, plus chips and salsa.

Then we watched the movie, and I didn’t resist the urge to sing along. I probably never would have done that with a guy before, but now, in grubby shorts and a T-shirt, no makeup, my hair in need of some serious shampoo, what difference did it make? So I sang the crap out of every number while Phoenix steadily munched tortilla chips.

“What did you think?” I asked him when it was over.

“I only wanted to commit suicide three times, so it was a success, I think.” He looked at me from under that lock of hair. “I admit, I was watching you more than the TV. I dig that you dig those songs.”

“Thanks.” I took the comment at face value. “You can pick the next movie.” It was after midnight, but I wasn’t tired. I had slept so much all summer, and I felt awake for the first time in two months.

He picked a drama about a mentally ill couple and it made me cry. Watching them fall in love, two lonely people in a world that didn’t understand them, was sort of the ultimate statement of optimism, and my heart both broke and felt happy for them. I expected Phoenix to make a crack or tease me, the way the usual guys I hung out with would have. But he didn’t. He just said, “I need to think about this one before we discuss.”

“It was sad,” I said, wiping my eyes.

“Yeah, but there was hope. Interesting.” He stared at a chip in his hand before tossing it back down uneaten. “I guess I should call a cab. It’s too late for you to drive me home.”

“It’s only two. I’m not even tired. I can drive you home or you can just crash here on the couch. Since no one else has moved in yet, it won’t matter.” I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want the thoughts, the guilt, to crowd back into my head. With Phoenix around, I could ignore those feelings, my personal recriminations.

“Are you sure?” He had taken off his shoes and was now almost lying on the couch and he looked totally comfortable.

I nodded. “It’s no big deal.”

“Okay, cool.” He laughed. “I don’t really have money for a cab. I was going to walk to the bus stop. Which is stupid, because the bus only runs on the hour at this time of night.”

“So why would you tell me that then?”

“Because I didn’t want to be a jerk and make you drive me back to Riley’s.”

For some reason, that touched me. The guy that old ladies shied away from at the drugstore was worried about inconveniencing me. Me. I hadn’t felt worthy of consideration lately.

“I don’t think you’re a jerk.”

“You don’t, do you?” He seemed puzzled by that. “You don’t seem scared of me either.”

“Should I be?” I eyed him directly, boldly, wanting the truth.

But he just shook his head slowly. “No. I don’t want to hurt you.”

I believed him. I also knew that he couldn’t hurt me any more than I already hurt myself.

So we stayed on the couch together, talking a little, mostly watching TV, for another three hours, until my eyelids were droopy and I finally felt ready for sleep.

“Are you okay here on the couch?” I asked him as I stood up and stretched.

“Is there another option?”

That was a loaded question, and I didn’t know the answer.