Best Lesbian Erotica 2012

NEVER TOO OLD DeJay

“You did what?”

“I just went online and got the address of Wild Hearts for you. It’s on Commercial Street, right across from the Crown and Anchor, so I can wait there and have a drink while you pick up our purchases.”

I looked at my wife, my partner of thirty-plus years, and couldn’t believe what she had just said. “Why would you do that?”

She smiled at me—the little-girl grin, the one where her eyes twinkle and her dimples pop. “It’ll be fun.”

“Fun?” I felt like I didn’t even know her.

She walked over and wrapped her arms around my neck. “It will be, I promise.” With that she kissed me.

“I’m not so sure about this.”

“Don’t be a baby.”

“Why do I have to go? You’re the one who wants this stuff.”

“Because they have to measure you, silly.”

The glint in her eye had me wary. “Measure me?” I thought about that for a moment. “There?”

“No, you idiot, your hips and thighs.” After pouring herself a cup of coffee she held the pot out to me. As if everything were perfectly normal, she asked, “Want some more?”

“No. Yes. Fuck.” I looked at her closely for some hint, some idea as to what I had been doing wrong. “I thought we were okay in that department?”

She poured the coffee and looked up.

“You know we are.”

“I mean, we have sex at least twice a week, sometimes three, right?”

“It’s not about that.”

“I only fell asleep last week because I was exhausted, I swear.”

“Honey, it’s not about you falling asleep.”

I started to sweat. “I thought, you know, that you enjoyed our sex life.” Had she been faking it all this time?

Abby walked closer and cupped my jaw. “Honey, I do. We have a great sex life. This is just a little experiment, something to spice it up, that’s all.”

“Now? At our age?”

“We’re not dead, you know, and I’ve been thinking about it for a while.”

My insides were churning full blast now. “A while?”

“Remember a couple months ago when we had that problem with dryness?”

I thought back, then nodded. “You called the doctor, right?”

“Yes, but I also talked to Mary.”

I groaned out loud.

“Stop it. We’re all adults, and she and I are the same age, so it was perfectly natural to ask her.”

I put my head in my hands. “And?”

“And she had the same problem. Vicky got her some lubricants.”

I sat up straighter, immediately feeling better. “We did, too.”

“Exactly, but did you know there are many kinds of lubricants ? Some even flavored, for… you know. So we discussed that and other stuff.”

“Fuck.” I looked at her pleadingly.

“Stop it.”

“Please tell me you did not discuss our sex life, I’m begging you.”

“Grow up.”

I put my head in my arms on the ceramic countertop. The day had started so nicely. I woke early, did the treadmill for an hour. I had an idea for a story. I was working at the kitchen counter on my laptop while the coffee perked and the dogs were outside. I even asked Abby to give me quiet time to write, and she had agreed, as usual. Then not ten minutes later she came into the kitchen and made her announcement. I took a deep breath. “And?”

“Well, when Mary and I talked, she told me that she and Vicky, they have one.”

“Oh fuck, you did not just tell me that.” I rubbed my eyes desperately trying to erase that image of my best friend, with a strap-on, from my brain. “Why do you insist on telling me shit like this, why?”

“What is the big deal? It’s perfectly normal.”

I took a deep breath and twisted my neck from side to side, still trying to purge the image. “Normal? Absolutely! But, I do not ever want to think of my two best friends like that. Is that okay with you?”

“Why?”

“Because they’re my friends, damn it.”

“Don’t be such a child.” She rubbed my hand and grinned. “You can’t get the image out of your mind, can you?”

She was right. “No, and I’m blaming you.”

She started laughing, then stopped abruptly. “Okay, so it’s a little embarrassing, but they’re our friends.”

“Tell me now, before I ever see Vicky again, did you tell Mary you want to do this?”

“No, of course not.”

“You swear?”

“I swear.” She crossed her heart. I almost believed her.

“I do not want another incident like when Mary told me about Vic wearing a damn nightgown.”

Abby knew I still had trouble looking my best friend in the eye ever since her wife had revealed that little tidbit. Vic, a butch’s butch if ever there was one, wore a pink-flowered, flannel nightgown. Fuck, now I was picturing her in the damn nightgown with a friggin’ strap-on underneath.

“Don’t be silly.”

“I’m not.”

“So anyway, I’ve been thinking about it and decided our trip to P-town provides the perfect time for us to get equipped.”

“Equipped?”

“Supplies.”

I ran my hands through my hair. The world had gone mad, nothing was making any sense. “You’re going with me. Why do I have to go in there alone?”

“Remember the Sears incident?”

I cringed. Years ago we had been shopping for Christmas presents. Abby found a robe she thought her mom would like and asked me to try it on to see if the length was okay, since her mom and I had similar builds. There I was, in my jeans, motorcycle boots and a leather jacket. It was a simple, stupid cotton frock with lace around the collar. Once I had it on, Abby started laughing and wouldn’t stop. The angrier I got, the more she laughed; the more she laughed, the more she alerted our fellow shoppers, who then started staring and laughing as well. I tore the damn thing off and never helped her again.

“I ordered everything from the catalogue. All you have to do is let them make sure the harness is the right size, and then pay for it and leave. Simple.”

Abby stood there angelically smiling. I was sure I was missing something.

“You already ordered what you want, right?”

“Yup.”

“All I have to do is check on the size of the harness, right?”

“Absolutely.”

“Ten minutes tops?”

“Less.”

“What if someone I know is in the store?”

“Say hi.”

I shook my head. “You know what I mean. How am I going to explain why I’m there?”

“What do you think they’re doing there?”

I covered my ears. “Fuck, I do not want to think about that.”

“Stop being ridiculous. I think it’s wonderful people our age are willing to experiment.”

“Please tell me what’s really going on here?”

Abby leaned in close and kissed me. “I don’t want you trading me in for three twenties.”

Each time she hit another milestone in age, she decided I would trade her in for X number of younger women. At thirty, it was two fifteen-year-olds. I pointed out that would be jailbait. At forty, it was two twenty-year-olds; I asked what the hell I would do with them. At fifty, she announced two twenty-five year-olds, because I was older and needed to slow down. Now at sixty, this.

“I love you, I can barely keep up with you. Have you talked to a twenty-year-old of late? I don’t even understand their language.”

“It’s not you having a conversation with them I’m worried about.”

“Abbs, I’ve never given you reason to worry, have I?”

She kissed me again. “And I intend to make sure you want to come home to me and only me.”

“Now who’s being childish?”

“Please, it’s important to me.”

I sighed, knowing I had lost this battle. “Quick in and out, right?”

“Let’s get going, you have a one o’clock appointment with Cheryl.”

“Cheryl?” I was towel drying my hair after my shower.

“The store, Wild Hearts.”

“I need an appointment to shop?”

“Well, it’s their personalized service. I thought you would like that.”

“Oh. Okay.” I grabbed my T-shirt.

“Make sure you wear boxers today.”

“Huh?”

“Just do it.”

“Why?”

Abby was applying mascara; she looked in the mirror at me. “So I don’t have to worry about you.”

I walked toward her, my jeans in one hand, naked from the waist down. “I thought you liked it when I went commando.”

“Not today.”

She had been in a funny mood ever since we arrived in P-town. This morning after breakfast, instead of going sightseeing, she had wanted to come back here and make love. I was up for that, but she still seemed edgy.

“Okay. Boxers it is.”

Abby grabbed a pair out of the duffle bag and handed them to me.

“You’re lucky I packed some,” I told her.

“No. You are, or you’d be wearing a pair of my panties.”

“Like hell.”

She just giggled and returned to putting on her makeup.

Once I was dressed, she turned to me. “You look nice.”

I was only wearing jeans and a T-shirt. “Thanks?”

“I just wanted to tell you.”

I put my arms around her and kissed her. “I love you, with all my heart. Thank you.”

“Come on, I want to get a seat at the bar.”

I glanced at the alarm clock on the nightstand. “It’s only twelve thirty.”

“I know, but you know I like sitting where I can see the TV. I want to get there before it fills up.”

Abby was a sports nut. She always wanted to be in front of the big-screen TV so she could watch the latest action, no matter what the sport. “I’m ready.”

As I held the door for Abbs outside the restaurant, she practically squealed. “Oh, look! Two seats right up front. Excellent.”

We ordered drinks. Abby asked for a draft, while I got a Coke. I was doing a reading at Gabriel’s later that evening and didn’t want to screw it up by being tipsy or, worse, drunk. I glanced at the menu. “Want to get something? I’m kinda hungry.”

“Eat when you get back. You can’t be late.”

“Jesus, why not? Won’t our money be just as good if I’m late, say twenty minutes or so?”

“You can wait and be back here in the same twenty minutes.”

“I thought you said quick in and out.”

“I’m giving you time to walk across the street and back again… you are getting older.”

I love Abby with all my heart, but something had the hairs on my neck on end.

“I don’t have to ask for anything special, right?”

“Absolutely not. Just let them determine the right size harness and you’re out of there.”

“Okay. Keep the chair warm for me.”

She leaned over and kissed my cheek. “You’re my shero.”

“Yeah, yeah.” I took a deep breath and headed to Wild Hearts.

Outside the store, I took another deep breath and sent up a prayer that no one I knew was inside. I walked in and gasped. Dildos lined the walls, dildos in all shapes, sizes and colors. On the top shelf, a sign announced VIBRATORS OPTIONAL. Another sign declared JUST RIGHT FOR THE G-SPOT. Some were remote control, some glowed in the dark. I didn’t know where to look, and everywhere I turned, I was barraged with other sex toys—instruments of lust in all shapes, sizes and, lord help me, for all purposes.

“May I help you?”

I turned to find a child/woman standing before me. “What are you, ten?”

She grinned. “I’m actually twenty-two. Is there something I can help you with?”

“Appointment… I mean, I have an appointment.”

“Do you know with whom?” She said the words slowly as if I wouldn’t comprehend.

“Yes.” I nodded my head.

She smiled at me knowingly. “Do you know her name?”

I nodded again. I did know. “Cheryl. It’s Cheryl.”

“Good. I’ll get her for you. Don’t go anywhere.”

I shoved my hands in my pockets and tried not to stare at things.

“Hello, I’m Cheryl, can I help you?”

Another child stood before me. This one appeared even younger. “Are you Cheryl?”

“I thought we had established that. Yes, I am.”

“I have an appointment.”

“And you are?”

I took a ragged breath. “Your one o’clock appointment.”

“It’s your first time isn’t it?” She took my arm and pulled me toward a counter in the front of the store. Once there she opened an appointment book and looked down. “You’re Ms. Michaels then?”

“Dani. Dani Michaels.”

“See, that wasn’t so hard.”

I tried to relax, but it was useless. “My wife, she told me you have everything ready, just need to be sure of the size of the belt, right?”

“Belt?”

I felt my cheeks turning red, starting to burn. “Harness, I meant harness.”

“Yes. Let’s go into the dressing room. That way we can have some privacy.”

“Privacy?”

She led me to the back of the store. “Well, I can’t very well measure you over your jeans.” We had just passed an entire display case of edible clothing—bras, panties, nipple covers. I averted my eyes. Before me stood a rack of ladies’ underthings; corsets, lace bras, nippleless bras, satin and lace camisoles and garter sets. On and on it went.

“Right in here. Please take your pants off.”

It was futile. I turned beet red. This girl had to be a teenager and she was telling me to take my pants off. I had to be breaking some law.

“Uh, I could do the measurements and just call them out to you.”

“Don’t be shy, I do this all the time.” With that she sat in the chair, staring at me.

I knew my fate had been cast. I unbuckled my belt and opened the button, then slid the zipper downward and stepped out of my jeans. In the mirror I caught a glance at myself. I was wearing my SpongeBob boxers.

“Yes, I can see why your wife was concerned. You do have big thighs.”

“Does this mean you can’t fit me?”

“Not at all. I just need to get a different size, then I’ll bring your purchases in and go over them with you. I’ll be just a moment.”

Cheryl stepped out of the room, so I grabbed my jeans and slipped them on. I’d be damned if we were going to discuss anything with me undressed.

I was just buckling my belt when she stepped back in.

Cheryl looked at me. “Is something wrong?”

“No.”

“Why did you get dressed?”

“You said you knew the size I needed.”

Cheryl held up the item in question. “I need to see it on you, show you how to use it, load it. Make sure it’s tight enough to hold, but loose enough for comfort.”

“Oh.” I undid my belt; Sponge-Bob would make another appearance.

“I’d like to suggest a larger size in jeans from now on.”

“What? Why?”

“You need to allow room for the harness and accessory.”

“Huh?”

“Well, I assumed you’d be wearing it on dates and such, or on special occasions.”

“I don’t date. I’m married.”

“I meant when you and your wife go out.”

“In public, you mean?” The room was definitely getting hotter.

“If you went up a size in your jeans, no one would know but you and your lady.”

“In public?”

She looked at me pityingly. “Lots of butches do.”

Cheryl turned and started unpacking a shopping bag the size of a small minivan.

“The three attachments your wife picked out all work lovely with this belt. As I told her, leather is the way to go. Much sturdier and so many options.” Cheryl glanced up and smiled.

“Uh-huh.”

“Now this particular one is a favorite of mine.” Cheryl removed from the bag what looked like a penis with a long handle attached. What would… how would. Holy crap, that is not a handle.

“Your wife was very excited that we had it in stock.” Cheryl held up the dual dildo. “This is our best seller. It’s called the Nexus. As you can see, the two of you will simultaneously receive enjoyment from this model.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Here, let’s get the harness on you, then I can show you how to load it.”

“What?”

“I want to be sure it fits properly. Then we can experiment with the various attachments.”

The room was getting warmer and smaller all at once. “Fine.”

As Cheryl painstakingly fit the harness over my boxers, she continued her lesson. “Your wife was such a joy to talk to. She had done her research and knew exactly what she was looking for. We spoke on the phone for an hour.”

“I’ll bet.”

“Seriously, you’d be surprised how many women have no idea, and then I have to show and explain all the options.” Cheryl tugged on the now-secured harness. “I think that’s got it for you. How does it feel?”

“I’m not sure how to answer that.”

“It’s got to be tight enough to sustain the thrusting motion, but not so tight as to cause chafing or sores.”

“We can adjust it, right?”

“Oh, yes, this model is perfect for that.”

I looked down, gave it a tug. “Okay, I guess.”

Cheryl turned to the table behind her and picked up the Nexus, the double dildo, the mutual satisfaction one. Crap.

“Now this one should be inserted this way into the harness first, then be sure to lubricate your end and slip it in as you’re tightening the straps on the harness. Shall I demonstrate? I have some lube here.”

“No! No… I’ll… figure it out, thanks.”

She shrugged. “Okay. Just let me show you how to secure the dildo into the harness then. Oh, I better use the other model.” She pulled out a shiny pink wobbly one and inserted a battery pack in it. “This is the G-Pulse Dildo attachment. It’s battery operated and sure to give you both a little extra sensation. Plus, it’s perfect for the G-spot. Also, it’s made of soft gel versus the silicone models. It won’t last as long, but it’s wonderfully soft and pliable, as you can see.”

The damn thing was wiggling like a Jell-O mold. I was afraid it would melt.

“Always be sure to get the rim flush against the harness here, see?” She had loosened one strap and inserted the attachment. It now hung in front of me like a body extension.

“How many of these did Abby buy, exactly?”

Cheryl looked up and grinned. “Just one more… another popular one with the femmes. It’s called the Bandito. She chose lavender, but she especially liked the contour and shape of that one.”

“She did, huh?”

“As I said, your wife was a delight, very knowledgeable. It’s a shame she couldn’t make the trip with you.”

“Yes. Yes, it is.” Abby might be a tiger in bed, but she turns red at off-color jokes. On the other hand, she knows her shortcomings ; this place would be like a candy store to her. She would want to look at everything to learn how it works.

“Now, you’re aware that the two silicone models can be put into the dishwasher for sterilization, right? For the soft-gel model we recommend you use prophylactics to ensure cleanliness.”

“You mean rubbers?”

“Yes.”

I just shook my head. I was going to kill Abby. Kill her dead. After twenty minutes of me proving I could properly load and unload the various dildos, Cheryl finally let me take off the harness. “We’re doing so well. Now have you ever used the Tongue Joy vibrator?”

“I’m almost afraid to ask.”

Cheryl chuckled. “It’s a vibrator for your tongue.”

“Can I get electrocuted?”

“No, it uses batteries and is quite safe and small.”

“I’ll probably end up swallowing it.”

Cheryl just smiled. “Here, let me show you how it works.”

“I think I can figure that out. Is there anything else in there?”

“Yes, we still have the video your wife thought you should watch, and I have two models of vibrators she ordered. One for your finger, the Fun Fingazs Vibe; and one she inserts, the Pocket Rocket model.”

“Inserts?”

“Yes. Some women like to keep stimulated while working or shopping.”

“Is it safe? You know, for a woman to stay stimulated like that?”

“It’s wonderful. I have one in right now and love it. So does my wife when I get home, if you know what I mean.”

I closed my eyes to the image of children having sex. I now knew I had definitely broken some kind of federal law. I was waiting for the store to be raided and me whisked away in handcuffs.

“So shall we head to the viewing room?”

“The what?”

“It’s where you can watch the video in comfort. Afterward you can ask me questions and I’ll answer them for you.”

“I can’t believe I’m going to ask this, but what kind of video is this?”

Cheryl gave me a patronizing smile. “An instructional one, though we do have others if you’re interested in that kind of thing.”

“No. No, that’s fine. In fact I think I’ll let my wife watch the video with me, and if she has any questions she can always call you later, right?”

“Of course. I’ll take this up front. When you’re ready, come to the counter and I’ll ring you up.”

After she left, I banged my head on the wall three or four times. I could not believe Abby had set me up. She knew. She knew and still she sent me in here alone. I slipped back into my jeans and headed to the front of the store.

When I stepped outside, I took a deep breath. My insides were shaking and I was more determined to kill Abby then ever. I was now saddled with a small human-size shopping bag that had the name of the boutique emblazoned in red letters across it. I looked both ways, trying to figure out what to do, where to stash the bag.

I trotted into the restaurant. Abby was engrossed in a football game and cheering along with the other women alongside her. I walked up and placed the bag on the bar. “Here’s your purchases, sweetie.”

Abby turned, saw the name on the bag, and grabbed it off the countertop. “Are you crazy?”

I smiled. “No, baby, I just wanted you to have the full experience.” I sat down next to her and let her deal with the satchel.

Abby looked at me from the corner of her eye, trying to hide the bag between her and the wall. “You’re mad?”

“Nope.”

“What took so long?”

“As if you don’t know?”

She turned to face me, her expression blank. “I don’t.”

“Don’t lie, sweetheart, Cheryl gave you up.”

Now it was Abby’s turn to blush. “I’m really not sure what you mean.”

“Let me explain it.” Just then Jillian, the bartender, stepped up. “Another Coke please, and some wings for two.” I turned back to Abby, lowered my voice. “Not only did Cheryl have to measure me, but then she proceeded to strap me in and demonstrate how every fucking thing you bought is used.”

Abby tried to smother her laughter.

“I’m not amused Abbs.”

“She really demonstrated it. Everything?”

“Oh, yeah.” My temper finally kicked in. “I can honestly say I feel quite confident that I can pack any dildo into the harness without a hitch, that I know exactly how to wash and care for the models you purchased—three, is that right? I also am positive that I know how and where the tongue and finger vibrators go and how to use them. We have lubricants in three flavors, all water-based, and I know that the raspberry flavor is the most natural-tasting one. I am assured you will be safe stimulating yourself while out in public with your little Pocket Rocket… oh, and I need to buy bigger jeans. How’s that for a synopsis?”

Too late, I realized my voice had risen in my fervor to make Abby understand my complete and total mortification. I hadn’t paid attention to the fact that the volume on the TVs had been muted, that all eyes of the other patrons were on us, or that Jillian was there with our appetizers.

A thunderous round of applause broke out at the bar as I concluded my speech. Abby did what I had wanted to do earlier; she ran out of the bar as fast as she could, leaving me to carry the bag back to the hotel room.

“Oh. My. God.”

I lifted my head and smiled up from between Abby’s legs.

“That was the best sex ever.”

I swiped my tongue one more time up through her folds, then climbed up next to her and kissed her on the lips. “Pretty good, huh?”

Abby grinned. “Better than good, perfect.”

I rolled over and pulled her snug up against me.

Abby nuzzled my neck. “Feeling pretty good about yourself, aren’t you?”

“Absolutely. And it was all me, no damn gadgets.”

Abby laughed out loud. “Yes it was, and it was wonderful.”

“See, I told you we didn’t need this stuff.”

“I’m sorry I laughed.”

“Yeah, well, I guess if you didn’t know what to expect, it was a little silly-looking.”

“It was as if it had a life of its own.”

“I guess I didn’t tighten it enough. But you didn’t need to laugh.”

“You looked so miserable.”

“It’s not that bad, just takes some getting used to, I guess.”

Abby started caressing my chest. “Does that mean you’re willing to try again?”

“Not if you’re going to laugh.”

“I promise not to, not now that I know how it looks.” She kissed me. “Please?”

“I guess. It’s not like I have to go shopping. We already have everything… might as well get our money’s worth.”

Abby sat up. “Come on, I’ll help you this time. You can show me what you learned.”

“Now?”

“Yes, now.”

“But we just did it.”

“And now we’re going to do it again.”

“Twice in one day?” I looked at her incredulously. “At our age?”

“Do you feel old right now?”

I jumped up and went across the room where I had flung the harness. “So which model do you want tonight, my dear?”

“Let’s try the Bandito, shall we?”

“You had to get the lavender one… you couldn’t get the black one?”

“Are you going to complain or put it to use?”

“I can’t wait to have your mother find one of these in the dishwasher.”