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Chapter 19

Anaya

I stood outside Cash’s house in the sunshine. It felt right, here in the light. In the sun. Its rays clung to me, caressed my hair and skin, whispering goodness into my ears. I missed when this was all there was. Before I made this mistake that I’d give anything in the world to take away. I could feel Cash inside the house, his hurt and uncertainty tugging on the invisible threads between us. I finally gave in and stepped through the warm, wooden front door and into the empty hall.

There weren’t any voices to follow. Just the sound of memories being packed away into boxes. The rip and press of tape sealing it all away. I found them in the den. Cash sat in a pile of books.

Surprisingly, Finn was with him, taping up a box, as if he belonged there.

“You’re sure you want to pack all of this away? Now?” Finn said, standing up. “We could wait, you know, until…”

Cash looked up when he trailed off. “Until what?” he said. “He’s not coming back. You should know that better than anybody.” He tossed a book into a box with a little more force than necessary and sighed. “Look, you said you wanted to help. So stop treating me like a fucking fragile little girl and help me already.”

Finn nodded and unfolded another cardboard box for a pile of jackets that were stacked on the big oak coffee table.

“Besides.” Cash ran his hand over the cover of a thick red leather-bound book. “I don’t want Em or her mom to have to deal with any of this when…”

“I told you nothing’s going to happen to you,” Finn said, voice tense. “We will think of something.

So just stop talking like that, okay?” His shoulders sagged with the weight of the lie. Cash just shook his head and opened another book.

I took a deep breath, feeling myself fuse together cell by cell until the warmth was so intense it consumed me.

When the room came into focus, Cash was staring at me, jaw clenched, fingers stretched tight and white around the binding of a book. I’d left things badly between us. Refusing to let him see his father, then disappearing and leaving him alone with no explanation. I touched the spot on my chest that ached with guilt.

“I need to talk to him.” I spoke to Finn but didn’t take my eyes off this boy who sat in front of me.

His eyes trained on my face, filling me with something so familiar it stole what little breath I was allowing myself to take.

“No.” Cash turned his attention to Finn, lips pressed together as a look of understanding passed between them. “I want him to stay.”

I sighed. “Suit yourself.”

Finn settled onto the arm of a shiny brown leather sofa. Cash stayed where he was, huddled in a pile of books that smelled like his father.

He shook his head, gaze fixed on his hands. There was a battle going on inside him. I could feel it.

See it written all over his face.

“What’s going on?” I sank down onto the floor in front of him. “Did something happen?”

“Do you know what I am, Anaya?” His brown eyes connected with mine and they looked so tired.

“Because I do.”

Shock fizzled through me. “H-how do you know?”

“How long have you known?” Cash growled. “How long have you known that I’m a shadow walker and how long have you been keeping it from me?”

Finn looked confused, but I could only shake my head. “I haven’t known the whole time,” I said in a panic. “I spoke to Easton and he…he showed me. I swear to you, Cash, I had no idea until a few days ago. I wasn’t even certain until the lake, after you crossed over with me.”

How did he know? Who had he been talking to who would have known, because I was certain he hadn’t found this in one of his books. This kind of information wasn’t even widely known in the afterlife, let alone the living world.

“Did you know?” I asked Finn, who was staring at Cash in disbelief.

“No way,” he said. “How the hell would I have known?”

“Tell me what it means,” Cash said.

“You’re a soul caught between life and death. It’s the only thing that would explain you being able to cross between worlds and force me into corporeality.”

“And why, exactly, does that make me so important?”

I shuddered, remembering the boy shoving souls over the cliff in Umbria. “It means you can be used to collect lost souls. At least that’s most likely what Balthazar wants you for. As for the shadow demons…”

“Yeah, I know,” he sneered. “I’m up next on the buffet line. I get it.”

“Cash,” I stopped him. “No. They wouldn’t want you for that. I mean they would, but you’re too valuable. They’d use you as a poacher, rounding up lost souls to deliver to the weaker ones below.”

Cash’s brows furrowed together and he shook his head mechanically. “No…he would have told me,” he whispered.

“Who would have told you?”

He ignored me, wringing his hands to ease the way they were shaking, if I had to guess. “Don’t lie to me about this, Anaya. If you’re just trying to scare me, to get me to side with you—”

“I’ve seen it,” I said.

Cash gritted his teeth and looked away. Someone had gotten to him. But who? And what kind of lies were they filling his head with?

“How did I become like this? Why me?”

I swallowed, uselessly. “When I brought you back. Didn’t take you. It must have triggered it. I thought…” I stopped and looked at him, bundled up in a black sweater, a burgundy scarf wrapped tight around his neck. A knit cap shoved over his raven-black hair even though it was obviously a warm spring day. His skin was pale. His eyes tired and dark. He didn’t look alive. He looked like Easton had said. Straddling the line.

“I’m sorry,” I choked out. “This shouldn’t have happened. I didn’t…I didn’t realize how old your soul was. I didn’t realize what you were or why Balthazar wanted you.”

“How old my soul is? What’s that supposed to mean?”

Finn stared at Cash with a little wonder in his eyes. “It means you’ve lived before. Lots of times.

This isn’t your first life.”

Cash closed his eyes and shook his head. “No…. no.” He said through gritted teeth. “If I’d been through all this more than once, don’t you think I’d remember something? Don’t you think I’d be a little better at it by now?”

“No,” I said. “You wouldn’t remember. It doesn’t work that way.”

“But Em remembers a little. From before.”

“That’s only because I helped her see.”

“Then help me see!” Cash stared at me, hope glinting in his eyes. “Help me see, so this feels real. So

I don’t feel like a complete nutcase.”

I couldn’t show him. I couldn’t allow myself to see his past. I was already crossing too many lines, forming bonds that were going leave me in shreds when this was done. “I can’t. I won’t.”

Cash buried his face in his hands and trembled. The ends of his burgundy scarf dangled over his knees. I looked up at Finn and he nodded. He didn’t have to hear the words. He knew. At least we still had that between us. He stood and patted Cash on the shoulder, then walked out of the room. I soaked in the silence until I heard an engine roar to life outside.

Slowly, he pulled his face out of his hands. His dark eyes burned me. His lips, pressed into a hard line, broke me. I reached out and placed my hand over his. He just stared at it for a minute, but after a few shallow breaths he finally laced his fingers through mine. I knew he was only touching me for the warmth, but I’d take it.

“So is this the only reason you’re here?” he asked, refusing to look at me. “To you, I’m just another soul to deliver. Only I don’t get to go where the rest of your souls go. I get hand-delivered to your boss.”

“It’s not like that,” I whispered. “I wanted to take you the first time I saw you. I wanted to give you that salvation. I still want to. You have no idea what this is doing to me, to see you like this. I wish I had a choice.”

He shook his head like he didn’t believe me.

“Cash?” I asked, softly. “How did you find out? Who told you? If someone has been speaking to you, I need to know.”

He stared at our intertwined fingers, quiet, as his thumb traced circles over my wrist. “What does he have on you, Anaya?”

He lifted his eyes and my stomach sank with a sick feeling. Did he know this too? He couldn’t.

Nobody knew but Balthazar and me.

“If you don’t want to be a part of whatever is happening to me, then what is Balthazar doing to make you do it?” he asked. “I know that babysitting a human probably isn’t in your job description. So I’m asking again. What are you getting out of this?”

Guilt stabbed at my insides, screaming, tell him, tell him! I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell him that I’d agreed to deny him everlasting peace so I could be with my family, with Tarik, again. I pulled my fingers from his. I didn’t deserve his touch. This wasn’t right. God…this was so wrong. What was I doing?

Cash studied my face for a moment, no doubt seeing the lie before it even formed on my lips. He grimaced and pushed to his feet. The connection between us pulsed with pain and regret. “That’s fine.

Keep your secrets, Anaya. I’ll keep mine, too.”