Dancing on the Wind

Chapter 39

At first Kit and Kira did not speak, content merely to hold hands as the carriage rumbled through the icy ruts. Rather than try to find her lost clothing in the maze of tunnels, Kit wore her outrageous costume under a warm cloak that Chiswick had given her. His usual cynical detachment had vanished; she guessed that he was trying to make amends for his failure to recognize the full depravity of his fellow Hellions.

Ruthlessly she suppressed her memory of the moment when Lucien had hugged Kira and said that she was everything Kit had described. After all, she had expected something like that. If she allowed herself to feel the pain, she would disintegrate, and for that she would rather be alone. Now she would rejoice in her sister's survival. There would be time enough for anguish later.

The silence was broken when Kira said in a shaking voice, "I just killed a man. I keep seeing the blood, and ' his face…";

"Good riddance," Kit said tartly. "Quite apart from Mace's other sins, he was in the process of trying to knife Lucien. It's all very well to forgive one's enemies, but not until after they've been safely hung."

Her sister's faint smile faded quickly. "He never raped me, he never even kissed me. I suppose he was saving that for his grand finale. But being forced to play his loathsome games was almost as bad. I felt helpless, soiled."

"Yet you survived and kept your sanity as well," Kit said quietly. "Few women could have been as strong."

"I never could have done it without you. No matter how dreadful things were, I knew that on some level you were always with me. When it became unendurable, I drew on your strength. I also knew that if I could stay alive long enough, you would find me." Kira's clasp tightened. "And you did." "

"I had help." Kit glanced at her sister, seeing the familiar profile outlined against the window. Though in principle she didn't believe in revenge, in this case she applauded it. Surely Kira's act of vengeful justice had restored some of what Mace had taken away.

"And very impressive help it was," Kira said, sounding more like herself. "Tell me everything that happened."

For her twin Kit recounted everything, except for her relationship with Lucien. That was too painful to discuss.

Kira swore when she learned about Jason's imprisonment and escape, but didn't interrupt. At the end she jxclaimed, "My shy, straitlaced little sister played in The Gypsy Lass!"

"And cut my hair and got tattooed with that damned butterfly so that no one would notice any difference," Kit said acerbically.

Kira chuckled. "How were your notices?"

"The critics said I was in good form." Kit shrugged. 'I merely pretended that I was you. The audience saw what they expected of Cassie James."

"Maybe you should take my place permanently," Kira suggested. "I'm not going to continue acting, but it would be a pity to retire Cassie right when fame is there for he plucking."

Startled, Kit said, "You're going to leave the stage?"

"I've had enough. Sometimes it was wonderful- here's nothing like knowing you hold an audience in the palm of your hand. But the theater world is narrow and self-absorbed and takes itself far too seriously. I was often impatient with it."

"You never hinted at that before."

Kira's fingers moved restlessly within her sister's. "I didn't want to admit that it was a mistake to become an actress. And it wasn't a complete mistake-having done I can now walk away with no regrets." A warmer note entered her voice. "A good thing I've had enough, because continuing to act wouldn't be fair to Jason. Theater people should marry only other theater people."

"So you are going to marry him?"

"There's nothing on earth I want more. After I met him, damn his stubborn American hide, no one else would do. I assume he feels the same, or he never would have come for me." An anxious note sounded in her voice. "You like him, don't you? It would be dreadful if you didn't."

"I like him very much. The two of you should suit wonderfully."

"He has the ability to be emotionally intimate. That's rare in a man. I think it was because his mother raised him-he takes women seriously." Kira chuckled. "He probably didn't mention it, but he's also done rather well with his shipping business. Can you believe it? A Travers male who knows how to make money instead of wasting it! Papa would have considered that heresy."

"Obviously, two generations in America have improved the stock," Kit agreed. "But why did you refuse him three years ago? He said that you didn't want to leave England, but surely, since you loved him so much…"

"I couldn't bear to be so far from you, of course." Kira's clasp tightened again. "It was bad enough being separated when we were both in England, but to have a whole ocean between us… As much as I loved Jason, I simply couldn't go with him."

Kit was so moved that at first she couldn't reply. "I would have felt that way," she said quietly, "but I didn't know you did." She hesitated, wondering if she should ask the question that had nagged at her since she met Jason.

Inevitably, Kira noticed. "What are you not saying?"

"Why didn't you tell him about me?" Kit asked, trying to repress the hurt. "He knew I existed, but not that we were twins, much less what that means. Were you ashamed of me?"

"Kit, no! How could you think such a thing?"

"Why else would you keep silent?"

After a long silence Kira said haltingly, "I hate having to admit this-it sounds so horribly petty. But… I was afraid he would prefer you to me."

Kit sat bolt upright. "Have you run mad? No man has ever preferred me to you!"

"It's not a joking matter," Kira snapped. "I hate your false modesty. It's bad enough that you can out-think and out-talk me-you don't have to out-humble me as well."

Kit gasped at the sheer unfairness of the remark. "If I'm humble, it's because I have plenty of reason to be," she said, her voice trembling as she thought of Lucien. "I've spent my whole life trailing around in your shadow. The quiet twin. The dull twin. The twin who isn't Kristine, who looks exactly the same except that for some reason she isn't as pretty. I haven't minded that, but you have no right to accuse me of hypocrisy!"

Kira bit her lip. "Oh, Kit, I'm so sorry. My nerves are a wreck, but I shouldn't take it out on you of all people."

They went into each other's arms again, tears very close to the surface. Kit thought of their childhood, when they would creep into the same bed and sleep together like kittens. Impossible to imagine her life without her twin.

Eventually Kit disengaged herself. "Have you ever noticed that when we've been apart, we always have some stupid little disagreement shortly after we're reunited?"

Kira settled back and took her sister's hand again. "You're right, it happens every time. Why do you think that's so?"

"Because we miss each other so much." After a peaceful silence, Kit added, "I still can't believe you thought I could ever be a rival for Jason. Firstly, I would never, ever do that to you, and secondly, that man adores the water you walk on."

"I knew you wouldn't deliberately try to win him away, but men are always so intrigued by you," Kira said ruefully. "I'm such a frivolous creature. You're wiser, stronger, and you have a quality of female mystery that drives men wild. I didn't really doubt either Jason or you-but because you're both so important to me, I couldn't help worrying a little."

"Are we talking about the same person?" Kit said incredulously. "Me as a mysterious enchanter of men? You're off your head, big sister! Back in Kendal, you were always the one who was surrounded three deep by admirers."

Kira shrugged. "They were boys, not men, and they found it easier to talk to a chatterbox like me. Oh, some of them fancied me, but half were hanging about as a way to get closer to you. Your intelligence intimidated them all fearfully, you know. I always knew you would come into your own when you were older and could meet men who were mature and confident."

"What about Philip Burke?" Kit asked, feeling a faint twinge even now. "I wanted desperately for him to notice me, but he didn't know that I was alive."

"Him? Oh, he was just one of those people, the sort that can't deal with identical twins," Kira said dismissively. "Since he needed something to do while visiting Kendal, he decided to dangle after me. So he did, which meant that you became invisible to him. I'm sorry that upset you, but honestly, he wasn't worth it. Those people never are."

"To think that I pined over him for one whole summer, yet missed something so obvious!" Kit sighed. "You overrate my intelligence."

"No, I don't." Kira sighed. "I'm not as strong as you, Kit. I knew that Jane was right when she insisted that we separate and learn to lead independent lives after Papa died. I tried my best, but I just couldn't manage as well as you. Professionally, you became an influential writer, read and respected by the most prominent men in the kingdom. Even more important, you were always so calm, so confident, so comfortable with yourself. Not at all like me."

"But you were a much greater success!" Kit retorted. "You made ten times the money I did. It was you who paid off most of Papa's debts, and you had so many friends and admirers."

Kira shrugged. "I did well enough as an actress, but as a person I was a fraud-incomplete. I desperately wanted to find someone who would love and take care of me. That was why it was so dreadful to fall in love. with an American. It was unthinkable to leave England, yet sending Jason away was almost as bad."

Again Kit had the sense that they were talking about two different people. "You really thought that I was successfully independent? I love Jane, and living with her has been very comfortable, but I would have accepted her offer of a home even if she'd been Caligula. When I left Westmoreland, I couldn't endure the thought of living alone or going among strangers. I had such respect for your courage in entering a whole new world. I spent four years lurking in my room, writing essays, which is about as far from real life as one can get."

"I needed the distraction of being constantly busy," Kira said simply. "I knew I would have a terrible time without you, but activity and novelty would help."

Understanding struck them simultaneously. They stared at each other in the darkness. "Jane kept emphasizing how well you were doing on your own," Kit said. "When she wrote you, did she go on about my success?"

"Yes!" Kira exclaimed. "I suppose she was only trying to be encouraging, but by telling each of us that the other was doing so well, she made us both feel like failures!"

"Though her intentions were good, the results weren't," Kit said half laughing, half exasperated. "For four years I've been blaming myself for my weak character."

"I did until I met Jason. That's when I realized it isn't in my nature to be frightfully independent like Jane. Oh, I can survive on my own, I know that now, but I'm far happier being with someone I love."

Her sister's words triggered a series of insights in Kit. She had been resisting Lucien with all her might. Part of that was her genuine fear that he would prefer Kira and leave her devastated, but she had also believed she shouldn't need him so much. Her experience had been that it wasn't safe to rely so much on men, and that had been reinforced by Jane, who was so splendidly independent herself.

But Lucien was not a Travers, and Kit should not doubt him because of her father's failings. Nor should she read so much into the way he had hugged Kira after she had shot Mace. Kit had been disposed to assume the worst, but apparently she and her sister had been misjudging each other for years. If she could do that with her twin, she could certainly be wrong about Lucien.

It was also high time for her to accept that it was no more her nature to be emotionally self-contained than it was Kira's. Thoughtfully she said, "We haven't talked like this in four years, Kira. Thank you for giving me a new perspective on life and love."

"Speaking of love, are you going to marry Lucien Fairchild? He's rather magnificent."

"So he is. As to marriage…" Kit hesitated, not wanting to discuss what was still so horrendously unresolved. "That remains to be seen. He thinks we should marry, but that's mostly because he feels guilty about all of the times we were in compromising situations. Since that was my fault, not his, it seems rather silly that he should have to marry me for the sake of my reputation."

"That's just an excuse-the truth is that he's another victim of your fatal charm." After a short pause, Kira inhaled sharply with surprise. "Kit, you sly thing, are you pregnant?"

"What?" Kit gasped. "That's impossible!"

"Is it?" Kira asked with interest.

Kit felt herself blushing so violently that the interior of the carriage should have warmed several degrees. "Well, not actually impossible. But certainly improbable."

Kira chuckled wickedly. "Nonetheless, I think it's true. I shall prepare myself to become an aunt."

Perhaps she was right; it was the sort of thing one twin would know about another. Kit thought about the possibility of having Lucien's child. Warmth sparked in her heart and spread through her whole body. It was a wonderful prospect-yet it complicated her situation enormously.

For the rest of the ride they chattered back and forth comparing notes, finishing each other's sentences, washing away four years of subtle estrangement in a flood tide of words. Then Kira glanced out the window and saw the manor house outlined against the night sky. "Incidentally, where are we going? I didn't think to ask."

"A small estate owned by a friend of Lucien's. It's vacant at the moment, so we've temporarily taken it over. Some of Lucien's servants came along to keep us comfortable."

"Did you bring some decent clothing? As soon as we get inside, I want you to help me take off this ghastly costume so that I can burn it."

"I packed several of your gowns," Kit assured her. "Warm, conservative ones because I knew that was what you would want."

Kira glanced down at herself. "Actually, Jason would enjoy seeing me in this outfit, but I can't bear having anything that Mace forced on me. Speaking of which, would you switch cloaks with me? You can have the sable cape; I don't want it anywhere near me."

Awkward in the cramped quarters, they exchanged their outer garments. As she wrapped the sumptuous fur around her, Kit remarked, "Since Mace is hardly one of my favorite people, I don't want to keep the cape either. Maybe we should give it to Cleo. She was wonderfully helpful, and she would love it."

"Good idea." A touch of defiance in her voice, Kira continued, "After I change, I'm going to find Jason and drag him off to his room for the night. We have a lot to catch up on."

Kit realized that her sister expected a scold. Once prim Lady Kathryn would have been scandalized at such immoral behavior, but not now. Not since she had learned something about passion and the bond it would forge between a man and a woman. "You certainly do. Having each survived a terrible captivity, I expect you'll be closer than ever."

"I hadn't thought of that, but you're right." After a slight hesitation, Kira said, "You needn't be jealous of Jason, you know. The connection between you and me has changed and evolved over the years, but it will always be there. Always."

Trust Kira to know and understand. Her heart full of love, Kit said, "And you say I'm clever. When it comes to the most important things in life, you've always been ahead of me."

"Only by ten minutes or so." The carriage rumbled to a halt in front of the manor. Already beginning to put her experience behind her, Kira continued buoyantly, "Now come help me out of this beastly outfit!"