Ecstasy

Chapter Twenty-two

“Are you certain this is what you really want?” Brynn asked as she said farewell to Raven at the dock.

Because of Brynn’s advanced state of pregnancy, Lucian had not allowed his wife to board the ship, so the two women were saying their good-byes in the privacy of the Wycliff carriage.

No, I’m not certain, Raven wanted to answer. The closer she came to departing, the harder her stomach churned with misgivings. Was she making a mistake by leaving England?

“You don’t think you should wait a while longer?” Brynn added quietly. “Wouldn’t Kell wish to know of your plans?”

Raven shook her head. Her plans would matter little to him. There would be no point in delaying. She couldn’t imagine that Kell would ever come to forgive her, that he could come to love her the way she did him. Nor could she bear to see the pain and accusation in his eyes. He blamed her for his brother’s death, and that was just too enormous a barrier for love to overcome. And her leaving would make it easier for Kell to dissolve their marriage.

“It will be less painful this way for both of us,” she said at last.

Brynn put her arms around Raven, hugging her close. “I shall miss you dreadfully.”

“And I you,” Raven replied, feeling the tears starting to come.

Determinedly she brushed them away and gathered her reticule. “You must promise to write me frequently, and to let me know at once when the baby is born, whether it is a son or a daughter.”

With a serene smile, Brynn pressed her hand over her swelling abdomen. “It is a son; I have no doubt.”

Forcibly swallowing a pang of envy for her friend’s happiness, Raven stepped down from the carriage, where Lucian awaited her.

“Ready?” he asked, offering his arm.

“Yes,” she lied.

He escorted her to the tall, three-masted schooner and assisted her on board. She had already toured the schooner under the captain’s guidance, and Nan was below, unpacking their belongings in the two tiny cabins that would serve as their world for the six or more weeks of the ocean voyage.

Lucian turned her over to the captain, admonishing him to take good care of his precious cargo, then gave Raven a brotherly embrace.

She clung to Lucian a long moment, earning a searching look from his blue eyes when she stepped back. Thankfully he asked none of the probing questions his wife had asked, but merely kissed her cheek.

“Take care of yourself, sweetheart. And give my best regards to Nick. You are likely to see him much sooner than I.”

Raven managed a smile at the thought. Her half brother normally made his home in Virginia, but British troops had come threateningly close to his vicinity, so Nicholas had moved his family to one of the American islands of the Caribbean. She greatly looked forward to seeing him and his wife, Aurora, again. It was one of the few rays of light in her dark world these days.

“I will,” she promised.

Going to the railing, she watched Lucian make his way off the ship and enter his waiting carriage. Her eyes blurred as she returned Brynn’s farewell wave, while a piercing ache of emptiness filled her when her friends drove away. How desperately she would miss them! Yet there was little else about England she would miss, most certainly not the cold.

Shivering in the gusty March wind, Raven drew her cloak more tightly around her and stood overlooking the bustling docks, remembering her arrival last spring. She had come to England determined to fashion her future to her precise qualifications. But nothing had turned out the way she had planned. She had stupidly fallen in love against her will, with a man who couldn’t love her in return.

And yet would she have changed her fate if she could? Would she rather have never met Kell? Never have known his touch? Never known the misery that was love? Despite the pain, she couldn’t bring herself to wish she had never loved him.

“Lady Frayne,” the captain said beside her, interrupting her disconsolate thoughts. “If you would be so kind as to go below now? We will get under way within the half hour.”

Raven nodded and complied, not wanting to be underfoot of the crew, who were busy unfurling sails and untying lines.

She went belowdecks to her small cabin, and was grateful to find it warmed by a brazier. She took off her gloves and cloak and put them away, then had to brace herself against the shift and sway of the ship as it prepared to sail.

Fighting a surge of despair, Raven fetched the jeweled journal that had belonged to her mother and sat down on the bunk to read. Her gaze fell to a page well-worn from her mother’s countless readings.

Love is both ecstasy and torment. Love fills me with a wild joy and an aching dread…

Abruptly Raven shut the journal, unable to bear any more. For her, love was more torment than ecstasy.

She lay down on the bunk, curling her knees into her chest. An ache shuddered deep inside her. She understood love now. She understood so much better what her mother had faced. So much better what she truly wanted.

She had come to England to fulfill her mother’s dream, but she realized now that she couldn’t live someone else’s dream. She couldn’t live her life for anyone but herself. Her mother’s dream wasn’t hers.

Yet achieving her own goal of gaining a title had not provided her any more real fulfillment. She had been a fool to believe a title so important.

She’d thought it would take away the hurt and shame of her being a bastard, that it would make her good enough to join the society that had been denied her mother. In some ways, her whole life had been about proving that she was good enough. But she could no longer be ashamed of what she was: a child of love. Now that she truly knew what love was, she could only think of herself as blessed.

She could no longer deny a stronger yearning, either. She would have wanted Kell’s child. But now there was no possibility of that.

Raven shut her eyes, feeling the tears start to fall. When, a moment later, she broke into sobs, she buried her face in the pillow to muffle the sound. She hadn’t allowed herself to cry in so long. She hated watering pots. Her mother had spent so many nights sobbing into her pillow…

The image of her mother crying over her lost love suddenly came to her, and Raven drew a sharp breath. Oh, God. Had she become exactly like her mother?

Brutally she bit back her tears. She was different from her mother. She wasn’t a helpless victim, letting life act on her rather than meeting its challenges with defiance.

Yet what was she was doing by running away? Wasn’t she acting the coward?

Raven swallowed hard, trying to staunch the flow of tears. O’Malley would have been ashamed of her for surrendering without a fight-and she was suddenly ashamed of herself. She couldn’t deny the savage heartache that came with losing Kell, but she could choose how to deal with it.

Running away was not the answer.

It wasn’t too late to change her mind about leaving, either. And if she stayed? She could go in search of Kell. She could at least tell him she loved him.

It would be craven to slink away before she knew for certain what he truly felt for her. She could demand he tell her unequivocally, to her face, that he couldn’t forgive her, that he would never come to love her, that he wanted her out of his life.

And if he said all those things? Fear curled in Raven’s stomach at the possibility.

Then she would simply have to make him change his mind. She would have to fight to win his love. But first she would have to find him. She would tell the captain she couldn’t sail-

Just then she felt a weight settle beside her.

Raven froze, certain she was imagining the hard arms that lifted her up and gathered her close against a warm male chest, the fervent lips that brushed her temple…

“Raven…God, please, love…don’t cry.”

Kell. Her tears arresting completely, she stared up at him, searching the chiseled planes of his beloved face. Dear heaven, was her imagination playing dreadful tricks on her? Was he a fantasy?

Scarcely daring to breathe, she reached up to touch his scarred cheek, feeling the cruel ridge, the warm texture of his skin. He was truly real.

A startling joy spread through her, succeeded instantly by a sinking despair as she remembered their circumstances.

“What are you doing here?”

His mouth twisted in the semblance of a smile. “At the moment I am embracing you.”

“No, I mean…why are you here?”

The intensity of his dark eyes never wavered. “Because I received word that my beautiful wife intended to desert me, and I desperately hoped to stop her.”

She sat up on the narrow bunk, dashing absently at her tears.

Kell leaned back against the bulkhead, surveying her. “I was in Ireland, making plans to return to London, when Dare came to fetch me.”

Her eyes widened. “Dare went all the way to Ireland to find you?”

“Yes…and barely in time, it seems. I rode like a madman to get here before you sailed.”

For the first time she noticed Kell’s mud-spattered clothing, the dark stubble on his chin, his bleary eyes.

A shadow touched his face. “I feared I might be too late. But if so, I would have followed you.”

Raven squeezed her eyes shut, not knowing how to interpret his pronouncement. “I thought you hated me for making you lose your brother.”

“Oh, God, I could never, ever hate you, Raven. Come here.”

Reaching for her, Kell again drew her against his chest and rested his chin on the top of her head. “I needed to sort some things out in my mind. To try to come to terms with Sean’s death.”

Raven took a deep breath, afraid to hope. “And did you?”

Kell sighed. “As much as possible. Sean was a tormented soul, I know, but it tormented me that I couldn’t help him. I see now that I was trying to punish myself for being unable to save him.”

She was silent a moment, listening to the solid beat of his heart. Could she dare believe that Kell had come to terms with his grief and guilt? That he had been able to give up his burden of self-blame?

Raven could feel her own heart thudding as she searched for the right words. “Emma says that you have a fierce need to rescue anyone in distress, but I don’t think you could have done anything to save Sean.”

“I realize that now. If I had acted sooner, perhaps…But Sean was to blame for his own destructive actions.” Kell tilted her face up to his, gazing deeply into her eyes. “I’m sorry for everything he did to you, Raven. I’m so sorry about O’Malley…”

Raven felt an agonizing twist of pain at the remembrance. Her sorrow at O’Malley’s death would always be with her, but she knew her friend wouldn’t want her to spend her life grieving for him.

“I will never forget him,” she said softly, her hand rising to her breast. “I will always keep his memory here, in my heart.”

Kell covered her hand with his own, his expression as grave as she had ever seen it. “Do you think you could find a place in your heart for me as well, Raven? Please, tell me I’m not too late.”

A thrill of hope ran through her. Hope and longing and joy. “No.” Her throat constricting with relief, she managed a husky whisper. “You aren’t too late.”

His long lashes hooded his dark gaze. “And yet you planned to leave me. You intended to put an ocean’s distance between us.”

She refused to look away. “Because I couldn’t bear to stay, believing you hated me. I thought my going would make it easier for you to seek a divorce.”

“Is that what you want? A divorce?”

“No,” she said emphatically. “Not at all. I only thought you would be happier without me as your wife.”

His fingers clenched over hers. “I would sooner cut out my heart than lose you, Raven. I don’t think I could bear to live without you. Not when I love you so much.”

Her breath caught in her throat. “What did you say?”

“I said I love you.”

Her gaze riveted on him. “You truly mean it?”

“Truly. I’ve loved you for a very long time.” Kell cradled her face in his hands. “You made me love you, vixen. You turned my heart upside down and brought light into my life. How could I not love you?”

Elation swept through her, but she remained speechless.

“I should have told you before now,” Kell murmured, gently exploring her face with his fingers, as a blind man might. “I didn’t dare admit my feelings for fear of frightening you off. You’d told me numerous times you would never let yourself love anyone, and I couldn’t see how to overcome your resistance. You married me only to escape the scandal. And I let Sean hurt you yet again. You lost O’Malley because of him. I didn’t think you could forgive me for that, or that I deserved forgiveness.”

“Kell, there is nothing to forgive. You couldn’t be your brother’s keeper.”

“I know that now. Sean caused so much pain,” he said quietly. “But in a way, I am grateful to him. He gave me you. If not for him, we never would have met, let alone married.” Kell hesitated, his dark gaze holding her captive, his voice dropping to a hushed but fervent prayer. “When I learned you were leaving, I had to take the risk. I want ours to be a real marriage, Raven. I want you to be my wife in truth. I want to be your husband, your lover, the father of your children. Please say you will give me another chance.”

The hunger in his eyes was soul-deep and made her yearn to reassure him. “Yes, Kell. Oh, yes.”

His face eased, as if she had given him a reprieve from death. “I only wish…I hope to God that someday you can come to love me in return. I know how much you fear it-”

Raven reached up to touch his sensual lips, silencing him. “I already do love you, Kell. With all my heart.”

Fire kindled in his eyes. He made a raw sound in his throat as he bent his head to kiss her. When his mouth covered hers in a wordless murmur of yearning, need, and hope, Raven clung to him, returning his kiss with the same fervor.

They were both breathing rapidly when he finally broke off. But he didn’t release her. Instead he held her closer.

“God, how I have missed you,” he whispered against her hair.

Raven sighed, pressing her face into his shoulder. “I never really expected to see you again. I didn’t think you ever meant to return. Emma said you intended to relinquish the club to her.”

“No, I was planning to come to London, even before Dare arrived. I hoped I could convince you to come away with me.”

“Away?” His comment puzzled her. “Where would you want to go?”

“Somewhere-anywhere-that doesn’t hold memories of my brother. In fact, the West Indies sounds like an ideal place. Would you mind very much if I accompanied you?”

She felt her heart fill with gladness. “I would like that above anything.”

“You won’t mind leaving England?”

“No. I don’t want to remain here any longer.”

“But what of your dream? I thought claiming your rightful place in society was crucial to you.”

“Not any longer. I only just lately realized how little it all meant to me.” She lifted her face to his. “I’ve come to understand so many truths these past few months, Kell. I thought fulfilling my mother’s dream for me would bring me happiness, that gaining a title was what I wanted. But having your love is all that really matters to me. I would gladly be plain Mrs. Lasseter, if you will let me.”

The fire burned hotter, but he raised an eyebrow. “And what of your fantasy lover?”

With her fingertips, she brushed the rough stubble shadowing Kell’s jaw. He looked very much like the dangerous rebel he had once been; the lover of her dreams. “I haven’t wanted that fantasy for a long time. All I want is you.”

Kell pressed her palm to his cheek. “So then, we’re agreed? We will start our marriage over in Montserrat. We will put the past behind us and begin anew.”

“Yes, we’re agreed.”

His smile was blinding. He gave her a lingering kiss filled with promise and anticipation of the future to come. When he drew back, his eyes were dark with desire.

She shook her head. “I still think I might be imagining this. Are you sure you truly love me?”

“More sure than of anything in my entire life.” His mouth curved in a tender smile. “I think I’ve loved you from the moment you first shot me.”

Flushing, Raven shut her eyes. “Please, don’t remind me.”

Laughing again, Kell tightened his arms around her, reveling in the intense pleasure of holding her. He loved her more than his next breath. But he would have to prove it to her. To make her believe. He would have time to show her during the long voyage, though.

Tenderly he kissed the top of her head. “I know I’ve given you little reason to trust in my love before this, but I swear I will make it up to you.”

“Will you tell me again?”

“I love you, my darling vixen. So much my heart hurts.”

She smiled against his shoulder, shaken by the enormity of the emotion that surged through her. “I feel the same way.”

“Then tell me.” He tilted her face up to his. “I need to hear you say it.”

“I love you, Kell.” She declared it with abandon and joy as she twined her arms about his neck. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” Raven murmured before she gave herself up to his passionate kiss.