Fangs But No Fangs

CHAPTER 13

Christian hadn't planned to admit his desire. In fact, he'd made up his mind that he couldn't feel this way, period. He'd told himself he would see Jolee again, and somehow his bizarre reaction to her would have disappeared.

When he'd gotten back to his trailer, he'd decided his attraction still revolved around his hunger. Maybe he'd overfed this time. And as soon as she was out of his sight, the yearning had calmed some. He still thought about her as he had for days, but he hadn't felt so tense, and so… well, aroused. All signs that his hunger was finally leveling out, and he'd be able to think clearly around her. Then, like a fool, he'd decided to test his theories by seeing her again, tonight.

Well, his theories had failed. Miserably.

She'd opened the door, and his longing had returned, instant and fierce. Of course, the situation wasn't helped by the fact that she was barely dressed. All long, graceful limbs and pale skin.

He'd tried not to look at her. He'd tried to tell himself that he didn't want her. But it hadn't worked. He couldn't take his eyes off her. Her bare shoulders, the lovely line of her neck. Her breasts, firm and high under the thin material of her top. Her long, lovely legs, bare and smooth. Her feet with high arches and small toes. Pretty feet.

He nearly groaned. Never. Never had he admired a woman's feet. Not even Lilah's, and physically, she'd been perfection. She had been an ancient vampire, and centuries of existence had faded all her mortal flaws.

But remembering Lilah's physical attributes didn't blot out the beauty of Jolee. He found the woman's feet fascinating, for God's sake! Even the chipped, hot pink polish on her toe-nails.

He was doomed.

He forced his eyes back to her face.

Her dark eyes were wide as she stared at him. "You want me? Sexually?"

Her eyes narrowed, and he realized that rather than being shocked like he was, she was angry. In fact, she was furious. The emotion needled roughly at his flesh.

"I didn't intend to," he explained. "I don't even understand why I do." He muttered that more to himself than her.

A sudden flare in her anger distracted him from his own confusion, the feeling unpleasant on his skin.

"Well, don't knock yourself out trying to figure it out. Because I'm not interested."

He frowned. He'd been certain she was. He'd tasted her desire on his lips when they'd kissed. Hadn't he? Or was that just his own desire? He really wasn't sure anymore.

"I don't want to be attracted to you," he explained, trying to apologize in some way. "I just can't seem to control my thoughts." He glanced down, giving the erection in his pants a significant look. "Or my body."

Joke's eyes widened slightly, then she frowned and muttered, "Well, try."

She stomped over to the door and opened it, giving him a look that eloquently said, Leave. Another emotion swirled around him— hurt. The emotion was faint, nearly overshadowed by her anger, but definitely there, and also unpleasant in a different way.

Suddenly awareness hit him. He was a complete ass. She was attracted to him, and he, while admitting his attraction, was also insulting her. His words had been rather rude, now that he thought about it. She thought his dismayed reaction was because his attraction was to her in particular. Which wasn't the case. It was because he was attracted to any mortal, although he could hardly tell her that. But he did need to tell her something. He couldn't tolerate the feeling of her pain; the sad and injured emotion was far worse than the prickly sensation of her anger. But more than that, he couldn't stand that he had caused her pain. Another rather shocking revelation.

"I didn't intend to upset you," he said, trying to figure out how to explain.

"Really? What part of your lovely admission did you think wouldn't upset me? The part where you only want me sexually? Or the part where you don't want to want me at all?"

"I don't just want you sexually," he heard himself say. Was that true? If it was, what did he want from her?

She frowned, obviously confused by his words, too. "Then what do you want?"

«I—» He didn't know. How could he know? This was madness. "I don't know. Since I met you, I've had feelings that I thought were long since dead in me." He wanted to continue, but couldn't sort out what the hell was going on inside himself. He wanted her sexually— he shouldn't. He wanted her friendship— he shouldn't. He wanted to protect her from anything that might hurt her— he shouldn't. Unless that anything was himself.

He looked away from her, a frustrated growl sounding deep in his chest. He heard the door shut and her feet padding toward him. Her fingers touched his arm, seeming to burn him through the material of his shirt. But he didn't pull away.

"Christian."

Damn, he loved the soft, slow lilt of her accent. He didn't even have to look at her to feel aroused. Her voice alone made him crazy with wanting her. But he did look.

She stared at him with those warm brown eyes, coffee sprinkled with cinnamon. "Please tell me what you're thinking."

He closed his own eyes, willing all the emotions roiling in him away, but it was hopeless. "I–I don't want to want you, because I can't offer you anything in return. I'm not a man—»

He sighed, wishing he could just leave it at that. He wasn't a man, he was a vampire, and that was the reason he couldn't be with her. But he had to go on. He had to make her understand that all this was his fault. A flaw within him, not her.

"I'm not a man who can give you the type of relationship you deserve. I don't— know how."

She studied him for a moment, then asked, "What kind of relationship do you think I deserve?"

"You deserve a man who can give you everything."

She considered that. "And you can't?"

"No."

"What can you give?"

He shook his head. "Nothing."

After a moment, she nodded. "Well, that is a little less than I'm willing to accept."

He knew she meant that as a joke, but he moved his hand to capture the one at her side. He squeezed her fingers. "You shouldn't accept anything less than everything."

She smiled, but her eyes were sad. "So what do we do? Stay friends?"

He wanted that, but he didn't know if he could. "I don't know."

"I'd like it if we could."

He nodded. "Me, too." Although if he were wise he'd leave tonight. Get in his car and drive as fast and as far as he could before sunrise.

"Maybe we should just sleep on all this and see how we feel in the morning," she said. "Maybe it will all feel different tomorrow."

"Yes." God, he hoped so. Even just holding her fingers, he was trying to find solutions as to how he could be with her. He wanted her so badly.

But he released her and walked to the door.

She followed some distance behind. Just as he was about to step outside, she stopped him. "Christian?"

He looked back at her.

"Why did you tell me this?"

"I never meant to, it just came out."

She nodded, though she clearly didn't understand, any more than he did. "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I've been trying not to be attracted to you, too."

He didn't answer— but no, it didn't make him feel in the least bit better.

Jolee watched him leave, not stopping him this time. She had no idea what that conversation had been about. It was almost as if he'd had to admit his feelings. As though if he admitted them, they'd disappear. Sort of like admitting anger or hurt. Once the emotion was labeled, the emotion could be worked through and begin to fade. In this case, she was afraid admitting they wanted each other would only make the situation more difficult to ignore, more of a temptation.

But he had openly admitted that he couldn't give her anything aside from a physical relationship, and she wouldn't accept that. She didn't want to settle.

Christian did have a rather tactless way of getting to the point, but in some strange way, he was more open than most men she knew. He never seemed to stop intriguing her. What had happened to him to make him feel that he couldn't love again? She wondered if there had been another woman—maybe there was still a woman. Maybe that's why he was here. He was running away from someone. All the more reason to forget any feelings for him.

She wandered to her window. Lights flickered in the windows from his television. All the things they'd shared, and they were right back to where they were before they met.

She wandered back to her bedroom. She pulled back her comforter and crawled underneath it. She knew sleep was going to be a long time coming, but she didn't have much else to do.

She wished things could be different, but they couldn't. She was sad, but not surprised. Her life had been filled with disappointments and things just out of her reach. She wasn't shocked that Christian was one of them.