For His Little Girl

Chapter Eleven

"Frank, Elly," Pippa whispered the words, "how…how lovely to see you."

"We were worried about you," Elly said, putting her arms around Pippa. "Darling, we have to talk-"

"Later," Pippa said quickly. "Let's get inside first."

Luke opened the door, and when they were all inside he turned to Frank and Elly, smiling. It wasn't the moment he would have chosen to be interrupted, and they weren't his favorite people, but he was, as he said afterward in some bitterness, happy enough to greet the devil himself.

"We met before," he said, taking Frank's unresponsive hand. "I was at your wedding. Elly-" he embraced her "-good to see you looking so well."

"We're all well," Pippa said quickly. "I've never felt better in my life. Now admit it, you two. Aren't I a big improvement on that pallid creature who left London?" She was talking too fast and in an unnatural voice, but she had to warn them off the dangerous subject.

"You've got a good color," Frank conceded grudgingly.

"Good color!" Luke exclaimed indignantly. "She looks great." He planted another quick kiss on her cheek. "Honey, put some coffee on while I-while I put something on." He vanished hastily.

"Darling, are you mad?" Elly asked as soon as he'd gone. "Staying here when your operation-"

"I'll be home for that. It's not until the end of this week."

"You should be resting to be ready for it," Frank almost shouted.

"Frank-please-you know why I came."

"Yes, I do," he said bitterly, "some foolishness about Josie meeting her father-who's taken no interest in her since she was born."

"That's not true. He's supported her."

"But he's never bothered to meet her, or you wouldn't have needed to take this crazy trip, risking your life-"

"What was that?"

They all turned to see Luke standing in the door. He was wearing jeans, but his chest was still bare, and it was rising and falling as though he'd just received a shock and was finding it hard to breathe.

Oh, God! Pippa thought. Not like this. I never meant him to find out like this.

"What did you say?" he asked Frank. His face was very pale.

"I said that Pippa is a very sick woman, was probably dying-before she ever came here-"

"That's not true," Pippa said quickly. "The doctor said I had a good chance-''

"He said you had a fair-to-middling chance if you had the operation quickly and didn't do anything stupid," Frank growled. "He didn't reckon on you taking a long flight over the Atlantic and another one back. Do you know how dangerous that is? As for what's gone on since you've been here-can you honestly say you've taken care?"

She barely heard him. Her eyes were on Luke's face as he turned to her. He looked puzzled, as though he heard the words but could put no meaning to them.

"Pippa?" he said quietly. "What is this crazy man talking about?"

"Frank isn't crazy, Luke. He's just blown things up out of all proportion. I've been a bit poorly recently-"

"Yes, you told me, asthma-"

"Asthma be blowed!" Frank exploded. "She's got mitral stenosis. You know what that is, do you, Danton? It's a malfunction of the mitral valve of the heart. It's a killer. It killed her mother. It's killing her."

Luke might not have heard him for all the notice he took. His eyes, full of a dreadful question, were still fixed on Pippa's face.

"Yes," she said despairingly. "It's true."

"But…I don't understand. You can't be ill. I've seen you every day, and you've been fine."

"You mean she's fooled you into thinking she's fine," Frank said with a sneer. "I don't suppose it's hard to fool you where your own convenience is concerned."

"Please, Frank," Pippa whispered. "This isn't the way."

"And what is the way? Making it easy for him the way you've always done? All these years you've let him be a father on easy terms because those are the only terms he's interested in."

"Frank, hush!" Elly protested. "Josie may be about somewhere."

"No, she's with my parents," Luke said.

"How convenient," Frank said disparagingly. "A real takeover bid-now that it suits you."

"What do you mean by that?'' Luke demanded.

"I mean I've seen the Web site. Making use of your own child to make yourself look good. How could you let him do it?" He turned on Pippa.

"Josie wanted it, Frank. It made her happy."

"You don't give a child something that's bad for her just because she wants it. She needs adults who'll protect her, not exploit her for their own cheap ends."

"If it wasn't for Pippa I'd knock you down for saying that," Luke said in a harsh voice. "I love my daughter."

"Your daughter," Frank sneered. "That's rich, coming from you. What kind of father have you been? Sure, you've supported her, but money's easy. When did you do anything that wasn't easy?"

"I'm not arguing with you. I've told you, I love my daughter, and I love Pippa. We're going to be married. The past is the past. If Pippa and Josie can forgive me for it, then it's nobody else's damned business. Including yours."

Frank completely lost control. "You fool!" he screamed. "Don't you understand, she's dying! If you'd treated her properly all those years ago she wouldn't have had to take this insane risk to find you now."

"Frank-" Pippa and Elly both tried to silence him together, but he was like a man possessed.

"That operation is her last chance," he screamed, "and it's a very small one. What are you going to do when she's dead, eh? What's all your fine talk going to be worth when she's dead?"

Watching Luke, Pippa realized that until that moment he hadn't fully taken it in. He didn't speak, but his face seemed to grow withered before her eyes. Her head was beginning to swim. "Frank, that's enough. I think you should go now.''

"I'll go when you come with me."

"I'll come when I'm ready. Please, Frank, you shouldn't have done this. Just tell me where I can find you."

"At the airport hotel," Elly said.

But Frank wasn't about to give up. "I still think we should wait and-"

"Go!" Pippa said with soft vehemence.

Elly drew him away, leaving Pippa and Luke alone together. She could hardly bear to look at him. He was breathing hard like a man who'd been punched over the heart.

"Dear God!" he said softly.

"I was going to tell you tonight.''

"Or tomorrow? Or the next day?"

"Yes, I've been putting it off. But it would have been tonight, because I have to go home. Oh, Luke

I'm so sorry you found out this way. It wasn't meant to happen."

She touched him. He was trembling.

"I can't take this in," he said at last. "How long have you known?"

"A few weeks. I didn't know what to do. Suddenly there were so many things to be thought of, all at once."

"You could have picked up the phone and called me then. I could have come over to England-"

"Would you have?" she asked wistfully.

"Of course I would. There was no need for this. I'd have come at once. I might have been able to help you cope with all those things you mentioned." He looked at her distantly. "But you never even thought of turning to me, did you?''

"No, I didn't," she admitted.

"Well, I guess I only have myself to blame for that," he said in deep bitterness. "You don't have to say it."

"I wasn't going to."

There were tears in his eyes. He thumped his fist on the breakfast bar, then pulled her into his arms and held her fiercely. "Dear God!" he wept. "Pippa, Pippa!"

"It's going to be all right," she said, clasping him. "It has to be. We can't lose each other now."

"Can't we?" he asked hoarsely. "Frank seemed very sure."

"Frank's an old woman, he's panicking."

They clung to each other. Pippa was remembering the fear and shock that came with the first discovery. She'd faced it long ago, and from the reserves of strength she'd built up since, she could help him now.

But she'd forgotten the anger. In the first few hours of knowing she might die, she'd been swept by a terrible rage. It was different from the lively, combative spirit with which she'd always faced the world. That had been a searing, blistering fury against whatever had done this to her and to Josie, the little girl who might lose her mother. She had wanted to scream and scream at an unjust fate.

But that wasn't in her mind now, and when she felt Luke shaking violently in her arms, she didn't at first realize that he, too, had been swept by devastating anger. So his next remark came as a shock.

"But at least you told Frank the truth, which is a damned sight more than you did with me."

"I couldn't help that. It was forced on me by circumstances."

"But all this time you've had a secret agenda, haven't you? I thought we were close again, but how close could we be when you were hiding such a secret? Why did you really turn up here suddenly?''

"Because I knew I might not have very long, and I wanted to make sure you met Josie while there was time. All these years-I thought you might have come to see her just once. But you never did, and if…if Frank and Elly have to become her parents-they're good people-kind and reliable, and she'll need that. But I wanted her to know you, too. I wanted you to meet her and love her so that you'd never want to lose touch with her."

He released her and drew back, looked at her strangely, as though trying to work out who she was.

"Luke," she cried, "please try to understand. I did what I had to."

"Yeah, I get that."

"Then what? What is it you blame me for?"

"Deceiving me," he said quietly. "Letting me live in a fool's paradise." He gave a mirthless laugh. "The operative word being fool. All this time-telling myself fairy tales about a second chance-you should have been honest with me."

"When? And how? The day I arrived, maybe? When I walked through that door and you threw your arms around me because I was your escape route from Dominique. I knew then that you were the same man I'd known, only it was a bit weird because eleven years had passed and you shouldn't have been the same."

"And afterward? You knew I was falling in love with you. I was making plans for our future, and you let me make them although you knew there might not be a future-dear God!"

Her temper flared. She faced him squarely, and there was a steely look in her eyes that was new to him.

"And just what should I have told you, Luke? That I might be dying so that you could be careful not to love me? I should have warned you to hold off and not let your feelings get too deep in case you got hurt? You're very good at holding off, aren't you? Good at protecting yourself by not getting too involved. That's how you survive. By never getting too close to anyone. Generous, great-hearted Luke, with a smile for everyone and a heart for nobody."

"That's not what I meant," he cried angrily.

"I think it is. You'd have liked to know, so that you could give just so much and no more."

He paled with shock. "I don't believe you said that to me," he whispered.

"Why not? It's how it's always been with you. Over the years I've gotten used to it. Only I'd forgotten-since I came here, I'd forgotten-and that was very silly of me-"

Appalled, they stared at each other and at the abyss that yawned between them. They no longer looked the same to each other. He saw a woman who'd snubbed him to take the hardest journey alone, who'd spoken of love while secretly despising him. She saw a man who'd fooled her with pretty promises it wasn't in him to keep. Luke's promises were always pretty, she thought in anguish. Best hung on the wall to be admired, but not for everyday use.

She wanted to tell him that she hadn't meant the last words. They were needlessly cruel because she was angry and bitter. But the seconds passed and she couldn't speak.

"I think I'll go out for a while," he said after a moment. "I need to do some thinking."

"Sure," she said listlessly. She didn't look up when the door closed, and the next moment she heard his car drive away.

Luke had meant to be away for an hour at most, but once on the freeway he seemed to go into a hypnotic trance in which there was nothing but a stream of traffic coming from infinity and going to infinity. He was cold with shock, terrified, disorientated, an alien in a strange universe.

All the familiar places had vanished, or tilted into ugly, unrecognizable shapes that taunted him with his own uselessness. Somehow the earth had turned back on its axis, and his life seemed to be whirling past him in reverse order. It was yesterday and he was completely happy with the woman he loved, their hearts and minds open to each other-except that hers wasn't open to him at all.

It was last week, and she was walking through his door with Josie, transforming a life that had been growing increasingly empty and pointless. He wanted to reach out and seize that moment, because if he could do that everything might still come right. But it was whisked out of his hand and away into the darkness, and suddenly he was back eleven years, saying goodbye at the airport, leaving her, knowing it was all wrong. And that was the moment where he really wanted to stop the world. And it was too late.

He lost track of time. The darkness turned into dawn and still he drove. He stopped for gas and returned to the car like a zombie. When he finally halted at a motel he had to detach his hands from the steering wheel one finger at a time.

He checked in and called home but there was no answer. She must be asleep. He called his parents, who said Pippa and Claudia had collected Josie hours earlier. She'd seemed cheerful and normal, and somehow that made his heart sink because it reminded him how hard it was to know what Pippa was really thinking. But then he recalled that Claudia had been with her, and he felt better.

He tried calling her again and again, but there was never a reply, and at last he fell asleep with his hand on the phone. At first light he started the long journey back, driving as fast as he dared.

He told himself that now he'd got everything under control. There was no way he would let her fly back to England. She must stay here, and he'd book her into the finest hospital with the finest surgeons. He would get her the best of everything, and when she left the hospital he would wait on her hand and foot, caring for her as no woman had ever been cared for before. She would get well, and their future would go on as before. He tried to shut out the sound of the phone ringing and ringing without answer.

It was late afternoon when he reached his house. Even before he opened the back door he could see a shadow inside, and relief swept over him. "Pippa!"

But it wasn't Pippa.

"She's gone, Luke," Claudia said. "She flew back to England yesterday. I got here just as she was leaving. She told me what had happened."

"And you let her go?"

"I couldn't stop her. It's her decision, and by all accounts she shouldn't put that operation off too long. Why should I try to make her stay? So that you could quarrel with her again? Do you think she could take that?"

"How much did she tell you?"

"Everything. I knew she wasn't well. I gave her the name of my doctor in Montecito-"

"You knew she was ill?"

"So would you have, if you'd used your eyes. Those headaches that kept happening, the shortness of breath-yes, I know she had an explanation, but it was all too much, and it happened too often for a young woman. I don't think she really had headaches at all. They were an excuse to lie down and save her energy."

"Why didn't you say this before?"

"It wasn't for me to tell you. She had the right to pick her own time. Besides, I didn't guess how seriously ill she was. When you think what she's gone through, keeping it to herself, nobody to confide in. And always looking at the future, wondering if it's a blank, and smiling, pretending. It must have been so lonely. I don't know how she endured it. Oh, Luke, sweetie-" He was weeping.

"Years ago, we used to tell each other everything," he said hoarsely.

"I doubt that. You might think it, but I'll bet there was a lot she couldn't tell you because you didn't want to know. Like how much she loved you."

"Of course I wanted to know-"

"Now perhaps, but then? In those days, did you ever tell her that you loved her?''

He fought to remember. "Yes-no-I must have-"

"I wonder. Love means chains to you, Luke. I know that's true now, so I can imagine what you were like then."

He sat at the breakfast bar and rested his head on his hands. "What really hurts is that she shut me out. All the time letting me think things were fine when she was actually carrying that burden and not letting me share it. Keeping me on the outside. I'd have liked to help her, be there for her when she was feeling bad. But obviously she doesn't think I could do that. I'm fine for a holiday romance, but not for when things get serious, right?''

"I don't know," Claudia said. "Only Pippa could say."

"I tried to tell her this, but she just thought I was mad at her for not warning me, so that I could stop myself loving her. As though there was any way I could stop that. She actually said that I would have liked to have kept my distance-protected myself-"

"And wouldn't you?"

"No. I love Pippa. I always have. I pretended I didn't-who did I think I was fooling?"

"I think you fooled her," Claudia said.

Before her eyes his face changed, becoming older. "It's my own fault, isn't it?" he said slowly. "I made her think the worst of me. Why should she think anything else? I even ran away now. I didn't mean to. I wanted to come back quickly, but I lost track of time, and now she's gone." He closed his eyes. "Tell me some more about when you got here. What happened?"

"I drove her over to your parents to collect Josie, and then to the airport. Frank and Elly were there, and they all caught the night flight to London. Then I came back here to wait for you."

"I called," he said, wishing his brain wasn't so fuzzy. "There was no answer."

"I was probably still out seeing them off."

"Josie must have wondered why I wasn't there to say goodbye, poor little kid. Does she know how ill her mother is?"

"No. Pippa couldn't risk telling her before she told you, in case she let it out. Besides, I don't think she wanted anything to spoil Josie's time here. I did suggest that she should delay leaving because I didn't like the way she looked. I don't think the flight will be good for her. But she was adamant she wanted to get away."

"Away from me," he said bitterly. "I thought I had a chance to put things right."

Claudia's face was sympathetic, but her words were firm. "Luke, face it. You thought you could put things right for yourself. But you've got to put them right for her."

"I've been a total jerk, haven't I?"

"Yes," Claudia said simply. "But at least you have the grace to see that you're a jerk. Which means that you're a redeemable jerk."

"Thanks for that small comfort," he said wryly. "I think I'll have a shower."

The shower cleared his brain slightly, but a clear view of things didn't make them look any better. He went to his bedroom to find clean clothes, and stopped at what he saw on the pillow. It was an envelope bearing his name in Pippa's unmistakable handwriting.

He'd never been a coward before but he found he was one now. He would do anything rather than read that letter with its message of finality. He would find her first, explain, ask her forgiveness. Then he would read the letter.

Even as these wild thoughts rushed through his brain he was opening the envelope with shaking hands. Pippa had written:

My darling Luke,

You were right, I should have told you from the start. I always knew it. But, you see, I didn't expect anything that happened. I thought it was all over between us, certainly on your side. I never thought you could love me again, but you did, and I suppose I played you a shabby trick in letting you plan for a future that I knew might never happen. I kept meaning to tell you and putting it off. Try to forgive me.

My main concern has always been Josie. She loves you, and I want you to be part of her life, whether I'm there or not. I've named Frank as her guardian, but you can see plenty of her. I shall make him promise that, and he's a man of his word.

But please, please Luke, if it comes to the worst, don't fight over her. Josie loves you, but she loves Frank and Elly, too, and if you fight it will make her unhappy. Poor little thing, she'll have enough to cope with.

Goodbye, my dearest. Thank you for the gifts you gave me. Josie first, but oh, so many other wonderful things. If we don't see each other again, don't remember the unkind things I said to you. I didn't mean them. I've always loved you for what you were, and not a different kind of man that you might have been. And I always will. Pippa.

There was something small and hard in the envelope. He tipped it out and found himself holding the diamond ring he'd given her at Montecito, long ago, in another life.

He sat and stared at the letter and the ring, feeling his whole body grow cold with fear, until he was so paralyzed that he thought he might never move again.

When he finally managed it he reached stiffly for the phone and called the guest house in London. But the phone was answered by a grumpy new resident who knew nothing except that nobody was where they should be. He hung up, still dazed, and when Claudia brought him some more coffee he drank it mechanically.

"You'd better try to get some sleep," Claudia said.

"No, I'm getting the next flight to England."

"I've already booked you on the eight o'clock flight this evening. That's the first that had a seat free. Go to bed and I'll wake you in time."

"You're the best friend a man ever had."

She delivered him to LAX that night, and he caught the 8 p.m. flight to London Heathrow. It lasted eleven hours and he was awake for every moment, looking out of the tiny window at the darkness, with his mind playing tricks, for she seemed to be there.

Sometimes she was as he'd first seen her at eighteen in her outrageous clothes and the attitude to match. But then he saw her as she'd been in the past few days, apparently happy but concealing her secret, because he wasn't man enough to share it. Often she would be wearing the glorious silk robe Claudia had given her, and that would hurt him. "You should have only the best," he'd said, but he • hadn't given her the best. By now she ought to have a wardrobe full of silk, given by the man who loved her.

He wished he could escape the night that offered such unbearable visions, and eventually he was lucky. Because London was eight hours ahead of Los Angeles, he was flying forward in time, and after barely a couple of hours of darkness, he saw the first glint of dawn.

But this was almost worse, because he began to reread her letter, and phrases stood out with new and hideous meanings.

"I've always loved you for what you were, and not a different kind of man that you might have been."

She had always known that he would let her down, and accepted it, and forgiven him. That was what she meant. She'd loved him as a woman loves a child, making allowances, asking nothing. And that, when you came right down to it, was the kind of love he'd always preferred. He put the letter away quickly, wondering if the flight would never end.

At last they landed. It was early afternoon, although his inner clock said dawn. With only one piece of hand luggage he got through the lines quickly. Heathrow had changed since he'd left it eleven years earlier, yet not so much that he couldn't identify the spot where he'd held Pippa for the last time. She'd smiled and teased him about flirting with some beauty on the flight, and he'd thought she didn't care. Now he wondered how he could have been so blind.

Blind and stupid! Blind and stupid!

And there was what looked like the very place where he'd retraced his steps to the gate, hoping to find her there still, and been so desolate that she was gone. And, fool that he was, he'd shrugged his hurt aside and said if that was how she felt, who needed her? And all the time he had needed her, but been too proud to say so, and now it might be too late.

He changed some money and found a taxi, thrusting several large bills into the hands of the startled driver and telling him to "Move it!" Even so it seemed to take eons to cover the twenty miles to London, and then a few more while they crawled through traffic jams to the center. But at last he was turning the old familiar corner, stopping outside the guest house.

The place looked different, he thought, pushing open the glass door. Smartened up out of all recognition. A stocky young woman In jeans came down the stairs, smiling a welcome.

"Pippa," he said tensely. "Where is she?"

"In hospital," the young woman said. "She flew back from America yesterday and they took her straight there. She was in a bad way!"

A cold hand clutched him. "Her operation? She's had it?"

"No, they had to stabilize her first. They were hoping to do it this afternoon, I think."

"Where?"

"The Matthews Infirmary. It's-"

"I know it, thanks." It was where all the medical students came from. Luke was out of the door and running. There might still be time to see her first. There had to be. Because if not-

Because if not, she might die without ever knowing how much he loved her. And for that he would never forgive himself as long as he lived.