Full circle

“All right, then.” But Tana did not sound thrilled. “I guess I should say congratulations or something like that.” But somehow she didn't feel like it. It seemed like such a boring bourgeois life, and after all Jean's years of sitting there waiting for him, she would have liked to see her tell him to go to hell. But that was youth thinking, and not Jean. “When are you getting married?”

“In July. You'll come, won't you, sweetheart?” She sounded nervous again, and Tana nodded to herself. She had planned to go home for a month anyway. She had worked it out with her summer job. She was working at a law firm in town, and they understood, or so they said.

“I'll sure try.” And then she had an idea. “Can Harry come?”

“In a wheelchair?” Her mother sounded horrified, and something hardened instantly in Tana's eyes.

“Obviously. It's not exactly as though he has a choice.”

“Well, I don't know … I should think it would be embarrassing for him … I mean, all those people, and … I'll have to ask Arthur what he thinks.…”

“Don't bother.” Tana's nostrils flared and she wanted to strangle someone, primarily Jean. “I can't make it anyway.”

Tears instantly sprang to Jean's eyes. She knew what she'd done, but why was Tana always so difficult? She was so stubborn about everything. “Tana, don't do that, please … it's just … why do you have to drag him along?”

“Because he's been lying in a hospital for six months and he hasn't seen anyone except me, and maybe it would be nice for him. Did that occur to you? Not to mention the fact that this did not happen in a car accident, it happened defending a stinking country we have no right to be in anyway, and the least people can do for him now is show him some gratitude and courtesy.…” She was in a blind rage and Jean was terrified.

“Of course … I understand … there's no reason why he can't come.…” And then suddenly, out of nowhere, “John and Ann are having another baby, you know.”

“What the hell does that have to do with anything?” Tana looked blank. It was hopeless talking to her. They never saw eye to eye about anything anymore. Tana had almost given up.

“Well, you could be thinking of that one of these days. You're not getting any younger, dear. You're almost twenty-three.”

“I'm in law school, Mom. Do you have any idea what that's like? How hard I work night and day? Do you have any idea how ridiculous it would be for me to be thinking of marriage and babies right now?”

“It always will be if you spend your time with him, you know.” She was picking on Harry again and Tana saw red at the words.

“Not at all.” Her eyes were fierce, but her mother couldn't see that. “He can still get it up, you know.”

“Tana!” Jean was appalled by Tana's vulgarity. “That's a disgusting thing to say.”

“But it's what you wanted to know, isn't it? Well, you can relax, Mother, it still works. I hear he screwed a nurse a few days ago, and she said it was great.” She was like a big dog refusing to release its prey, and her mother was hanging there, by the neck, and unable to escape. “Feel better now?”

“Tana Roberts, something has happened to you out there.” In the flash of a moment, Tana thought of the grueling hours of studying she had put in, the love she had felt for Harrison, to no avail, the heartbreak of seeing Harry return crippled from Vietnam.… Her mother was right. “Something” had happened to her. In fact, a great deal.

“I think I've grown up. That's not always real pretty, is it, Mom?”

“It doesn't have to be ugly or rude, except in California, I suppose. They must be savages out there at that school.”

Tana laughed. They were worlds apart. “I guess we are. Anyway, congratulations, Mom.” It suddenly dawned on her that she and Billy were going to be stepbrother and -sister now, and the thought almost made her sick. He would be at the wedding, and it was almost more than she could stand. “I'll try to be home in time.”

“All right.” Jean sighed, it was exhausting talking to her. “And bring Harry, if you must.”

“I'll see if he's up to it. I want to get him out of the hospital first, and we've got to move.…” She cringed at the slip, and there was a deafening silence at the other end. That really was too much.

“You're moving in with him?”

Tana took a breath. “I am. He can't live alone.”

“Let his father hire a nurse. Or are they going to pay you a salary?” She could be as cutting as Tana when she tried, but Tana was undaunted by her.

“Not at all. I'm going to split the rent with him.”

“You're out of your mind. The least he could do is marry you, but I'd put a stop to that.”

“No, you wouldn't.” Tana sounded strangely calm. “Not if I wanted to marry him, but I don't. So relax. Mom … I know this is hard for you, but I just have to live my life my own way. Do you think you can just try to accept that?” There was a long pause and Tana smiled. “I know, it's not easy.” And then suddenly she heard Jean crying at the other end.

“Don't you see that you're ruining your life?”

“How? By helping a friend out? What harm is there in that?”

“Because you'll wake up next week and you'll be forty years old and it'll be all over, Tan. You'll have wasted your youth, just like I did, and at least mine wasn't a total waste, I had you.”

“And maybe one day I'll have children of my own. But right now I'm not thinking of that. I'm going to law school so I can have a career and do something useful with my life. And after that, I'll think about all that other stuff. Like Ann.” It was a dig, but a friendly one, and it went right over Jean's head.

“You can't have a husband and a career.”

“Why not? Who said that?”

“It's just true, that's all.”

“That's bullshit.”

“No, it's not, and if you hang around with that Winslow boy long enough, you'll marry him. And he's a cripple now, you don't need a heartbreak like that. Find someone else, a normal boy.”

“Why?” Tana's heart ached for him. “He's human too. More so than most, in fact.”

“You hardly know any boys. You never go out.” Thanks to your darling stepson, Mom. But actually, lately, it was thanks to law school. Ever since Harrison, she had begun to feel differently about men, in some ways more trusting and open, and yet so far no one measured up to him. He had been so good to her. It would have been wonderful to find someone like him. But she never had time to go out with anyone now. Between going to the hospital every day and preparing for exams … everyone complained of it. Law school was enough to destroy an existing relationship, and starting a new one was almost impossible.

“Just wait a couple of years, Mom. And then I'll be a lawyer, and you'll be proud of me. At least I hope you will.” But neither of them was too sure just then.

“I just want a normal life for you.”

“What's normal? Was your life so normal, Mom?”

“It started out to be. It wasn't my fault that your father was killed and things changed after that.”

“Maybe not, but it was your fault you waited almost twenty years for Arthur Durning to marry you.” And the truth was that if he hadn't had his heart attack, he might never have married her. “You made that choice. I have a right to my choices too.”

“Maybe so, Tan.” But she didn't really understand the girl, she didn't even pretend to anymore. Ann Durning seemed so much more normal to her. She wanted what every other girl wanted, a husband, a house, two kids, pretty clothes, and if she'd made a mistake early on, she'd been smart enough to do better the second time. He had just bought her the most beautiful sapphire ring at Carder's, and that was what Jean wanted for her child, but Tana didn't give a good goddamn.

“I'll call you soon, Mom. And tell Arthur I said congratulations to him too. He's the lucky one in this deal, but I hope you'll be happy too.”

“Of course I will.” But she didn't sound it when she hung up. Tana had upset her terribly, and she told Arthur about it, as much as she could, but he just told her to relax. Life was too short to let one's children get the best of one. He never did. And they had other things to think about. Jean was going to redecorate the Greenwich house, and he wanted to buy a condo in Palm Beach, as well as a little apartment in town. They were giving up the apartment she had had for years. And Tana was shocked when she discovered that.

“Hell, I don't have a home anymore either.” She was shocked when she told Harry that, but he looked unimpressed.

“I haven't had one in years.”

“She saicL there'll always be a room for me wherever they live. Can you imagine my spending the night in the Greenwich house, after what happened there? I get nightmares thinking of it. So much for that.” It depressed her more than she wanted to admit to him, and she knew that marrying Arthur was what Jean wanted, but somehow it seemed so depressing to her. It was so ultimately middle class, so boring and bourgeois, she told herself, but what really bothered her was that Jean was still at Arthur's feet after all the crap she had taken from him over the years. But when she told Harry that, he got annoyed with her.

“You know you've been turning into a radical, and it bores the hell out of me, Tan.”

“Have you ever considered the fact that you're more than a little right wing?” She started to look uptight.

“Maybe I am, but there's nothing wrong with that. There are certain things I believe in, Tan, and they aren't radical, and they aren't leftist, and they aren't revolutionary, but I think they're good.”

“I think you're full of hot air.” There was an unusual vehemence about what she said, but they had already disagreed about Vietnam several times. “How the hell can you defend what those assholes are doing over there?” She leapt to her feet and he stared at her, there was an odd silence in the room.

“Because I was one of them. That's why.”

“You were not. You were a pawn. Don't you see that, you fucking jerk? They used you to fight a war we shouldn't be fighting in a place we shouldn't be in.”

His voice was deathly quiet as he looked at her. “Maybe I think we should.”

“How can you say a dumb thing like that? Look what happened to you over there!”

“That's the whole point.” He leaned forward in his bed, and he looked as though he wanted to strangle her. “If I don't defend that … if I don't believe in why I was there, then what the hell good was it anyway?” Tears suddenly sprang to his eyes and he went on, “what does it all mean, goddamn it, Tan … what did I give them my legs for if I don't believe in them? Tell me that!” You could hear him shouting all the way down the hall. “I have to believe in them, don't I? Because if I don't, if I believe what you do, then it was all a farce. I might as well have gotten run over by a train in Des Moines…” He turned his face away from her and started to cry openly and she felt terrible. And then he turned to her, still in a rage. “Now get the hell out of my room you insensitive radical bitch!”

She left, and she cried all the way back to school. She knew that he was right—for him. He couldn't afford to feel about it as she did, and yet, ever since he had come back from Vietnam, something had begun to rage in her that had never been there before, a kind of anger that nothing could quench, and possibly never would. She had talked to Harrison about it on the phone one night and he had put it down to youth, but she knew it wasn't just that, it was something more. She was angry at everyone because Harry had been maimed, and if people were willing to take more chances politically, to stick their necks out … Hell, the President of the United States had been killed a year and a half before, how could people not see what was happening, what they had to do … but Tana didn't want to hurt Harry with all of it. She called him to apologize but he wouldn't talk to her. And for the first time in six and a half months since he'd gotten to Letterman, she didn't go to see him for three days. And when she finally did, she stuck an olive branch through the door of his room, and followed it in sheepishly.

“What do you want?” He glared at her, and she smiled tentatively.

“The rent, actually.”

He tried to suppress a grin. He wasn't angry at her anymore. So she was turning into a crazy radical. So what? That's what Berkeley was all about. She'd grow out of it. And he was more intrigued by what she had just said. “You found a place?”

“I sure did.” She grinned at him. “It's on Channing Way, a teeny little two-bedroom house with a living room and a kitchenette. It's all on one floor, so you'd have to behave yourself somewhat or at least tell your lady friends not to scream too loud,” they both grinned and Harry looked ecstatic at the news, “you're going to love it!” She clapped her hands and described it in detail to him, and that weekend the doctor let her drive him over there. The last of the surgeries had been completed six weeks before; his therapy was going well. They had done all for him they were going to do. It was time to go home. Harry and Tana signed the lease as soon as he saw it. The landlord didn't seem to object to the fact that they had different last names, and neither of them offered to explain. Tana and Harry shook hands with a look of glee, and she drove him back to Letterman. Two weeks later, they moved in. He had to arrange for transportation for his therapy, but Tana promised to take him. And the week after her exams, he got the letter congratulating him on his acceptance to Boalt. He sat in his wheelchair waiting for her when she got home, with tears streaming down his cheeks.

“They took me, Tan … and it's all your fault.…” They hugged and kissed, and he had never loved her more. And Tana knew only that he was her very dearest friend as she cooked him dinner that night and he uncorked a bottle of Dom Perignon champagne.

“Where did you get that?” She looked impressed.

“I've been saving it.”

“For what?” He had been saving it for something else, but he decided that enough good things had happened in one day to warrant drinking it.

“For you, you jerk.” She was wonderfully obtuse about the way he felt. But he loved that about her too. She was so engrossed in her studies and her exams and her summer job and her political ideas that she had no idea what was going on right beneath her nose, at least not in regard to him, but he wasn't ready yet anyway. He was still biding his time, afraid to lose.

“It's good stuff.” She took a big gulp of champagne and grinned at him, slightly drunk, happy and relaxed. They both loved their little, house and it was working out perfectly, and then she remembered that she had to ask him something. She had meant to ask him before, but with the rush to move, and buy furniture, she had forgotten to ask. “Listen, by the way, I hate to ask you this … I know it's going to be a drag … but…”

“Oh Jesus, now what? First she forces me to go to law school, and now God knows what other torture she has in mind…” He pretended to look terrified, but Tana looked sincerely grim.

“Worse than that. My mother's getting married in two weeks.” She had long since told him that, but she hadn't asked him to go to the wedding with her. “Will you come with me?”

“To your mother's wedding?” He looked surprised as he set down his glass. “Is that appropriate?”

“I don't see why not.” She hesitated, and then went on, her eyes huge in her face. “I need you there.”

“I take it her charming stepson will be on hand.”

“Presumably. And the whole thing is a little much for me. The happily married daughter with one child and another on the way, Arthur pretending that he and my mother fell in love only last week.”

“Is that what he's saying?” Harry looked amused and Tana shrugged.

“Probably. I don't know. The whole thing is just hard for me. It's not my scene.”

Harry thought it over, looking into his lap. He hadn't been out like that yet, and he had been thinking of going to Europe to meet his Dad. He could stop on the way … he looked up at her. There was nothing he would have denied her, after all she had done for him. “Sure, Tan, no sweat.”

“You don't mind too much?” She looked doggedly grateful to him and he laughed.

“Sure I do, but so do you. At least we can laugh together.”

“I'm happy for her … I just … I just can't play those hypocritical games anymore.”

“Just behave yourself while we're there. We can fly in and I'll head on to Europe the day afterwards. I thought I'd meet Dad in the South of France, for a while.” It was so good to hear him talking about things like that again. It was amazing to realize that only a year before he had been talking about playing for the rest of his life, and now, thank God, he was playing again, at least for a month or two, before he started law school in the fall. “I don't know how I let you talk me into that.” But they were both glad she had. Everything was working out perfectly. They had divided the chores in the house. She did the things he was unable to do, but it was amazing how much he did. Everything from dishes to beds, although he had practically strangled himself vacuuming one week, and now that was her task to do. They were both comfortable. She was about to start her summer job. Both of them thought life pretty damn grand in the summer of '65, and Harry picked up two of the stewardesses on their flight to New York in July. And Tana sat back in her seat, laughing at him, loving every minute of it, and thanking God that Harry Winslow IV was alive.

The wedding was simple and well done. Jean wore a very pretty gray chiffon dress, and she had bought a pale blue one for Tana to wear, in case she herself didn't have time to shop. It certainly wasn't the kind of thing she would have bought herself, and she was horrified when she saw the price tag on it. Her mother had bought it at Bergdorf's, and it was a gift from Arthur, of course, so Tana couldn't say anything.

Only the family were present at the ceremony, but Tana had insisted on bringing Harry along, much to his chagrin, since they arrived from the city in the same limousine. Tana was staying with him at the Pierre. She insisted to her mother that she couldn't leave him alone. And she was relieved that her mother and Arthur were leaving the next day on a honeymoon so she didn't have to stay in New York for an extended period after all. She would have refused to stay in the Greenwich house, and she was going to fly out of New York when Harry did. He was going to Nice to meet Harrison in Saint-Jean-Cap-Ferrat, and she was flying back to San Francisco to her summer job. And Jean and Arthur were threatening to come out and see her in the fall. Her mother looked pointedly at Harry each time she spoke of it, as though she expected him to disappear by then, and eventually Tana had to laugh at it.

“It's really awful, isn't it?” But the worst of all was Billy, who managed to sidle up to her halfway through the afternoon, drunk as usual, and make some sly comment about her boyfriend not being able to get it up, and he'd be glad to help her out anytime, as he recalled she had been a fairly worthwhile piece of ass, but just as she contemplated putting her fist through his mouth, she saw a larger one come whizzing by, meet Billy's chin, and Billy reeled backwards before collapsing neatly on the lawn. Tana turned to see Harry smiling in his wheelchair just behind where she stood. He had reached up and put Billy out cold with one blow and he was immensely pleased with himself.

“You know, I wanted to do that a year ago.” He smiled at her, but her mother was horrified at how they had behaved. And as early as possible Tana and Harry got back into the limousine and went back to New York. There was a tearful goodbye between Tana and Jean before that. Or at least, Jean cried and Tana was tense. Arthur had kissed her on the cheek and announced that she was his daughter now, too, and there wouldn't have to be any more scholarships. But she insisted that she couldn't accept a gift like that, and she couldn't wait to get away from all of them, especially cloying, pregnant Ann, with her whiny voice, her showy gems, and her boring husband, making eyes at someone else's wife halfway through the afternoon.

“Jesus, how can they live like that?” she had fumed to Harry on the way home and he patted her knee.

“Now, now, one day the same thing will happen to you, little one.”

“Oh, go fuck yourself.” He laughed at her and they went back to the Pierre. They were both leaving the next day, and he took her to “21” that night. Everyone was happy to see him there, although chagrined to see that he was in a wheelchair now. And for old time' sake, they drank too much champagne, and were drunk when they got back to the hotel. Just drunk enough for Harry to do something he had promised himself he wouldn't do for another year or two. They were into their second bottle of Roederer, and actually they had been drinking all day, when he turned to her with a gentle look and touched her chin, and unexpectedly kissed her lips.

“Do you know that I've always been in love with you?” At first Tana looked shocked, and then suddenly she looked as though she might cry.

“You're kidding me.”

“I'm not.” Was her mother right? Was Harrison?

“But that's ridiculous. You're not in love with me. You never were.” She focused on him tipsily.

“Oh yes, I am. I always was.” She stared at him, and he took her hand in his. “Will you marry me, Tan?”

“You're crazy.” She pulled her hand away and stood up and suddenly there were tears in her eyes. She didn't want him to be in love with her. She wanted them to be friends forever, just friends, no more than that. And he was spoiling everything. “Why are you saying that?”

“Couldn't you love me, Tan?” Now he looked as though he were going to cry and she felt more sober than she had all night.

“I don't want to spoil what we have … it's too precious to me. I need you too much.”

“I need you too. That's the whole point. If we get married then we'll always be there.” But she couldn't marry him … she was still in love with Harrison … it was insane, the whole thing … all of it … she lay on her bed and sobbed that night, and Harry never went to bed at all. He was waiting for her when she came out of her room the next morning, looking pale and tired, with circles under her eyes. He wanted to retrieve what they'd had before, and it wasn't too late yet. That meant everything to him. He could live without being married to her, but he couldn't stand losing her. “I'm sorry about what happened last night, Tan.”

“So am I.” She sat down next to him in the room's spacious living room. “What happens now?”

“We put it down to one drunken night. It was a rough day for both of us … your mother getting married … my first time out socially in the chair … no big deal. We can put it behind us. I'm sure of it.” He was praying that she would agree with him and slowly she shook her head, as his heart sank.

“What happened to us? Have you really been … in love with me for all that time?”

He looked at her honestly. “Some of it. Sometimes, I hate your guts.” They both laughed and she felt some of what they had shared before, and she put her arms around his neck then.

“I'll always love you, Harry. Always.”

“That's all I wanted to know.” He could have cried if he'd let himself, but instead they ordered room service, laughed, raised hell, teased, trying desperately to regain the ease of what they'd had before, and as she watched his plane take off that afternoon, there were tears in her eyes. It might never be quite the same again, but it would be close. They'd see to that. They both had too much invested in each other by now to let anything spoil it for them.

When Harry finally arrived in Cap Ferrat, brought there by the car and driver Harrison had sent for him, his father came running across the lawn to help his son from the car and into his chair, gripping his arm powerfully and looking at him.

“You all right, Son?” There was something in Harry's eyes that worried him.

“More or less.” He looked tired. It had been a long flight, a long couple of days, and this time he hadn't played games with the stewardesses. He had been thinking of Tana as he flew to France. She would always be his first great love, the woman who had brought him back to life again. Feelings like that couldn't be lost, and if she didn't want to marry him … he had no choice. He had to accept it. He could see in her eyes that it simply wasn't there for her. And as much as it hurt, he knew that he had to force himself to accept that now. But it wasn't going to be easy for him. He had waited for so long to tell her what he felt. And it was all over now. It was never going to happen between them. The thought of that reality brought tears to his eyes again and Harrison took his son's shoulders in his powerful hands.

“How's Tana?” Harrison was quick to ask, and for just an instant he saw Harry hesitate, and then instinctively he understood. Harry had tried and lost. His father's heart went out to him.

“Tana's fine…” he tried to smile “… but difficult.” He smiled cryptically, and Harrison instantly understood. He knew that one day it would come to that.

“Ah, yes…” He smiled, as a pretty girl walked across the lawn to him and caught Harry's eye, just for an instant pushing Tana from his mind. And then the two men's eyes met, and Harry smiled slowly up at him. “You'll get over it, Son.”

For an instant he felt the lump in his throat again, and then with a sharp laugh, he whispered, almost to himself, “I'll try.”

When Harry returned from Europe in the fall he was deeply tanned, and happy and rested. He had followed his father everywhere, to Monaco, to Italy, to Madrid for a few days, Paris, New York. It had been the whirlwind life again, the life he had felt so left out of as a boy, but suddenly there was a place reserved in it for him. Pretty women, lovely girls, galas, endless concerts and parties and social events. He was actually tired of it when he finally got on the plane in New York and flew west. Tana met him at the Oakland airport, and she looked reassuringly as she had before. She looked healthy and brown, her blond mane flying in the wind, she had loved her summer job, gone to Malibu for a few days with some friends she'd made at work, and she was talking about going to Mexico over the holidays, and when law school began, they were constantly together, yet apart. She would drop him off at the library, but her classes were different from his. She seemed to be making new friends now. With Harry out of the hospital, she had more free time, and the survivors of the first-year grind seemed to stick together now. It was a healthier arrangement than they'd had before, and by Christmas whenever she saw Harry at school he was always with the same girl, a pretty, petite blond girl from Australia, named Averil. She seemed to be Harry's shadow. She was studying for a master's degree in art, but she seemed far more interested in following Harry around everywhere, and he didn't seem to object to it. Tana tried to be nonchalant the first time Averil emerged from his room on a Saturday morning and suddenly all three of them laughed nervously.

“Does this mean you guys are kicking me out?” Tana laughed nervously.

“Hell no, you jerk. There's room for all of us.” And by the end of Harry's first year, she was living with them. She was actually adorable, shared the chores, was cheerful, pleasant, helpful, she was so sweet she made Tana nervous sometimes, particularly when she had exams, but on the whole the arrangement worked out perfectly. She flew to Europe with Harry that summer to meet Harrison, and Tana worked in the same law firm again. She had promised her mother that she would come East, but she was looking for every possible excuse not to go, and was spared a lie when Arthur had another heart attack, a mild one this time, but her mother took him to Lake George to rest, and promised to come out to see Tana in the fall. But Tana knew what that meant by now. She and Arthur had flown out once the year before, and it was nightmarish. She was “revolted” by the house they shared, “shocked” that she and Harry were still living under one roof, and she would be even more so now when she discovered that they had added another girl. Tana laughed at the thought. She was obviously beyond hope, and the only consolation was that Ann had gotten divorced again, through no fault of hers, of course. John had actually had the nerve to walk out on her, and was having a flagrant affair with her best friend. So all was not entirely wholesome anywhere these days … poor Ann … Tana smiled at the thought.

Tana actually enjoyed her summer alone that year. She loved Harry and Averil, too, but there was so much pressure on her with law school, that it was nice to be alone now and then. And she and Harry seemed to fight about politics all the time these days. He continued to support the war in Vietnam, and she became crazed when the subject came up at all, as Averil would try desperately to keep the peace. But Harry and Tana had known each other for too long. After six years, they no longer felt they had to be polite and the language they threw at each other made Averil cringe, although he would never have spoken that way to her, nor she to him. Averil was a far gentler soul than Tana was. Tana had been on her own for a long time. And at twenty-four, she was powerful and unafraid, and sure of her own ideas. She had a long, strong stride, and eyes that did not shy from anything or anyone. She was curious about everything around her, definite about what she thought, and courageous enough to say it to anyone. It got her into trouble sometimes, but she didn't mind. She liked the discussions that arose like that. And when she registered for school that year—hallelujah her last, she thought to herself with a grin—she found herself in the midst of a lengthy conversation in the cafeteria. There were at least eight or nine people talking heatedly about Vietnam, as usual, and she was quick to leap into it, as she always did. It was the subject she felt strongest about, because of Harry of course, no matter how he chose to feel, she had her own ideas, and Harry wasn't there anyway. He was off somewhere with Averil, probably, copping a quick feel before class, as Tana teased him often enough. The two of them seemed to spend most of their life in bed, challenging his “creativity,” which seemed to pose no problem at all. But Tana was deep in the ideologies of Vietnam and not thinking of Harry specifically as she spoke that day, and was surprised to find herself sitting next to someone even more radical than she. He had a wild mane of tightly curled black hair that sprang from his head almost angrily, sandals, blue jeans, a turquoise T-shirt, strangely electric blue eyes, and a smile that tore at something deep inside of her. When he stood up, every muscle seemed to ripple through his flesh, and everything about him seemed oddly sensual, and she had an almost irresistible urge to reach out and touch his arm, hanging so near to her.

“Do you live nearby?” She shook her head. “I didn't think I'd seen you here before.”

“I usually hang out in the library. Third year law.”

“Man.” He looked impressed. “That's tough.”

“You?”

“The master's program in political science, what else?” They both laughed. He had chosen well anyway, and he followed her to the library where she left him regretfully. She liked his ideas and he was strikingly beautiful, and she knew instantly that Harry wouldn't approve of him. He had very square ideas these days, especially with Averil around. It was something Tana knew about them both and it didn't bother her. Harry could have grown ferns on his head and sprouted horns, and she would have loved him anyway. He was her brother by then, and Averil was a part of him, so she accepted that. Most of the time, she tried not to discuss politics with them. It made things easier.

And she was intrigued to see her new friend making a speech on campus a few days later, about the same issues they had discussed. It was an impassioned, brilliant confrontation of the mind and she told him as much when she saw him afterwards. She knew by then that his name was Yael McBee. It was a funny name, but he was not a funny man. He was brilliant and intense and his anger reached out almost like a lash to touch those he wished to reach She admired his skill in addressing crowds, and she went to see him several more times that fall, before he finally asked her out to dinner one night. They each paid their share, and went back to his apartment to talk afterwards. There were at least a dozen people living there, some of them on mattresses, and it didn't have the neat, well-polished air of the cottage which Harry and Tana and Averil shared. She would, in fact, have been embarrassed to bring Yael there. It was too bourgeois, too sweet, almost too foreign to him. And she liked visiting him where he lived. She felt uncomfortable at home anyway these days. Averil and Harry were always making love or hiding out, going in his room and closing the door. She wondered how he got any studying done at all, and yet she knew he did from the look of his grades, which were surprisingly good. But it was more fun being with Yael and his friends, and when Harry flew to Switzerland at Christmastime, and Averil flew home, Tana finally invited Yael to come and see her. And it was odd to see him in the tidy little house, without his strident friends around. He had worn a deep green turtle- neck and his well-worn jeans. He had military combat boots, although he had served a year in jail for refusing to be drafted and go to Vietnam. They sent him to a prison in the Southwest, and paroled him after a year.

“That's incredible.” She was awed by him, by his remarkable, almost Rasputin-like eyes, his courage in going against every current imaginable, there was something outstanding about the man, and she wasn't surprised that he had been fascinated by communism as a child. Everything about him was intriguing and unusual, and when he gently took her in his arms and made love to her on Christmas Eve, that seemed intriguing too. Only once did she have to force Harrison Winslow from her mind. And in a peculiar way he had readied her for this. Not that he had anything in common with Yael Mc-Bee. Yael managed to unleash her flesh in a way she had never dreamed could happen to her, reaching deep into her, into all she had wanted and denied herself for so long. He reached into her very soul, and pulled out a passion and desire she had never suspected in herself, and gave her something she had never dreamed a man could give, until she felt addicted to everything he gave to her. She was almost his slave by the time Harry and Averil came home, and more often than not, she slept at Yael's apartment now, on a mattress with him, curled up, cold, until he laid a hand on her, and then suddenly life was exotic and tropical, there were brilliant hues everywhere. She couldn't live without him now, and after dinner, they would sit around the living room with the others, talking politics and smoking dope, and Tana suddenly felt like a woman now, a woman in full bloom, living daringly at the feet of her man.

“Where the hell are you all the time, Tan? We never see you anymore.” Harry questioned her.

“I have a lot of work to do at the library for exams.” She had five months of law school left before finals came up, and then the bar to face, and in some ways it panicked her, but actually most of the time she was with Yael, and she had still said nothing about him to Harry or Averil. She didn't know what to say. They lived in such different worlds that it was impossible to conceive of them in the same place, same house, same school.

“You have a romance going on or something, Tan?” He was suspicious of her now, in addition to her absences. She was looking strange to him, numb almost, glazed, as though she had joined a Hindu cult, or smoked dope all the time, which he suspected too. But it wasn't until Easter that he saw her with Yael, and when he did he was horrified. He waited for her after class, and like an irate parent, he berated her. “What the hell are you doing with that creep? Do you know who he is?”

“Of course I do … I've known him all year.…” She had known he wouldn't understand and she told him as much.

“Do you know what kind of reputation he has? He is a violent radical, a Communist, a troublemaker of the worst sort. I watched him get arrested last year, and someone told me he's served time in prison before this … for chrissake, Tan, wake up!”

“You fucking jerk!” They were screaming at each other outside the main library, and now and then someone turned around but neither of them cared. “He served time for evading the draft, which I'm sure you think is worse than Murder One, but as it so happens, I don't.”

“I'm well aware of that. But you better watch your goddamn fucking ass, or you won't have to worry about taking the bar in June. He'll get you arrested and kicked out of school so fast your head will spin.”

“You don't know what you're talking about!” But the next week, over Easter holiday, he arranged a major demonstration outside the administration building, and two dozen students were carted off to jail.

“See what I mean?” Harry had been quick to rub it in and she had slammed out of the house again. Harry didn't understand anything. Mostly, he didn't understand what Yael meant to her. Fortunately, he had managed not to get arrested himself, and she stayed with him for the following week. Everything about him excited her. Every sense was aroused when he walked into the room, and things were pretty interesting at his place these days. Everyone seemed to be getting more wound up for demonstrations set up for the end of the school year, but she was so panicked about exams that she had to stay at her own house more than once just to get some studying done. And it was there that Harry tried to reason with her, gently this time, he was terrified that something would happen to her, and he'd do anything to stop it if he could, before it was too late. “Please, Tan, please … listen to me … you're going to get in trouble with him … are you in love with him?” He looked heartbroken at the thought, not because he was still in love with her himself, but because he considered it a hideous fate for her. He hated the guy, he was a rude, boorish, uncivilized, selfish creep, and Harry had heard plenty about him around the school in the last six months. The guy was violent and sooner or later there was going to be serious trouble involving him. Harry just didn't want him to pull Tana down with him when he went. And he thought there was a good chance he might. If she let him. And she looked as though she would. She had a blind passion for the man. Even his politics excited her, and the thought of that made Harry sick.

She insisted that she wasn't in love with him, but he knew that it wasn't that simple for her, that this was the first man she had willingly given herself to, and she had been so chaste for so long that in some ways her judgment was impaired. He knew that if the right man, or the wrong one as it were, came along and aroused her in a way she'd never known before, she might fall prey to him, and in this instance she had. She was mesmerized by Yael, and his unorthodox life and friends. She was fascinated by something she had never seen before, and at the same time he played her body like a violin. It was a difficult combination to defeat. And then, just before her final exams, six months into their relationship, Yael took matters in his own hands, and put her to the test.

“I need you next week, Tan.”

“What for?” She looked over her shoulder distractedly. She had two hundred pages more to read that night.

“Just a meeting, sort of.…” He was vague, smoking his fifth joint of the night. Usually, it didn't affect him visibly, but lately he was tired.

“What kind of meeting?”

“We want to make a point with the people who count.”

She smiled at him. “Who's that?”

“I think it's time we took things directly to government. We're going to the mayor's house.”

“Christ, you'll get busted for sure.” But it didn't seem to faze her much. She was used to that by now, not that she'd gotten arrested with him yet, although all the others had.

“So what?” He was unconcerned.

“If I'm with you, and I go, and no one bails me out, I'll miss my exams.”

“Oh, for chrissake, Tan, so what? What are you going to be after all? Some two-bit lawyer to defend society as it exists? It sucks, get rid of it first, then go to work. You can wait a year to take your exams, Tan. This is more important.” She looked at him, horrified at what she had just heard him say to her. He didn't understand her at all if he could say something like that. Who was this man?

“Do you know how hard I've worked for this, Yael?”

“Don't you realize how meaningless it is?”

It was the first fight they had ever had, and he pressured her for days, but in the end she did not go. She went back to her own house to study for exams, and when she watched the news that night, her eyes almost fell out of her head. The mayor's house had been bombed, and two of his children had almost been killed. As it turned out, they were going to be all right, but an entire side of the house had been destroyed, his wife was badly burned by a bomb that had exploded nearby. “And a radical student group at UC Berkeley had taken credit for it.” Seven students had been arrested on charges of attempted murder, assault, assorted weaponry charges, and sundry other things, and among them Yael McBee … and if she had listened to him, she realized with trembling knees, her whole life would have been over … not just law school, but her freedom for many, many years. She was deathly pale as she sat watching them being loaded into police wagons on TV and Harry watched her face and said nothing at all. She stood up after a long moment and looked down at him, grateful that he hadn't said anything. In one second, everything she had felt for Yael exploded into nothingness, like one of his bombs.

“He wanted me to be there tonight, Harry…” She started to cry. “You were right.” She felt sick. He had almost destroyed her life, and she had been completely under his spell. And for what? A piece of ass? How sick was she? She felt sick thinking of it. She had never realized how deeply committed they were to their ideals, and it terrified her now to have known them at all. She was afraid that she might be taken in for questioning. And eventually she was, but nothing ever came of it. She was a student who had slept with Yael McBee. She wasn't the only one. She took her exams. She passed the bar. She was offered a job in the district attorney's office, as a prosecutor, and grown-up life began then and there. The radical days were past, along with student life, and living with Harry and Averil in their little house. She rented an apartment in San Francisco, and slowly packed up her things. Everything was suddenly painful to her, everything was over, finished, done.

“You look like a picture of cheer.” Harry wheeled slowly into her room, as she threw another stack of law books into a box. “I guess I should call you Madam Prosecutor now.” She smiled and looked at him. She was still shocked at what had happened to Yael McBee, and almost to her through him. And she was still depressed at the thought of what she had felt for him. Now it had all begun to seem unreal. They hadn't come to trial yet, but she knew that he and his friends would be sent away for a long, long time.

“I feel like I'm running away from home.”

“You can always come back, you know, we'll still be here.” And then he suddenly looked sheepishly at her. Tana laughed as she looked at him. They had known each other for too long to be able to get away with anything.

“Now what does that look like? What mischief are you up to now?”

“Me? Nothing.”

“Harry…” She advanced on him menacingly and he wheeled away as he laughed.

“Honest, Tan … oh shit!” He ran smack into her desk and she carefully put her hands around his handsome throat. He looked more like his father every day, and she still missed him sometimes. It would have been a lot healthier having an affair with him than Yael McBee. “All right … all right … Ave and I are getting married.” For a moment, Tana looked shocked. Ann Durning had just gotten married for the third time, to a big movie producer in L.A. He had given her a Rolls Royce as a wedding present and a twenty-carat diamond ring, which Tana had heard a lot about from Jean. But that was something people like Ann Durning did. Somehow she had never thought about Harry getting married.

“You are?”

He smiled. “I thought after all this time … she's a terrific girl, Tan…”

“I know that, you dummy,” Tana grinned, “I've been living with her too. That just seems like such a grown-up thing to do.” They were all twenty-five years old, but she didn't feel old enough to get married yet, she wondered why they did. Maybe they had had more sex, she laughed to herself, and then she smiled at him and bent to kiss his cheek. “Congratulations. When?”

“Pretty soon.” And then suddenly Tana saw something funny in his eye. It was, at the same time, both embarrassment and pride.

“Harry Winslow … do you mean to tell me that … you didn't…” She was laughing now, and Harry was actually blushing for one of the few times in his life.

“I did. She's knocked up.”

“Oh, for chrissake.” And then her face sobered suddenly. “You don't have to get married, you know. Is she forcing you to?”

He laughed and Tana thought she'd never seen him look so happy in his life. “No, I forced her. I told her I'd kill her if she got rid of it. It's our kid, and I want it, and so does she.”

“My God,” Tana sat down hard on the bed, “marriage and a family. Jesus, you guys don't mess around.”

“Nope.” He looked about to burst with pride and his intended walked into the room with a shy smile.

“Is Harry telling you what I think he is?” Tana nodded, watching their eyes. There was something so peaceful and satisfied there. She wondered what it felt like to feel like that, and for a moment she almost envied them. “He has a big mouth.” But she bent and kissed his lips and he patted her behind, and a little while later he wheeled out of the room. They were getting married in Australia, where Averil was from, and Tana was invited to the wedding, of course, and after that they would come back to the same little house, but Harry was starting to look for a nice place in Piedmont for them to live until he finished school, it was time for the Winslow funds to come into play a little bit. He wanted Averil living decently now. And he turned to Tana later that night.

“You know, if it weren't for you, Tan, I wouldn't be here at all.” He had told that to Averil ten thousand times at least in the past year, and he believed it with all his heart.

“That's not true, Harry, you know that. You did it yourself.”

But he grabbed her arm. “I couldn't have made it without you. Give yourself credit for that, Tan. The hospital, law school, all of it … I wouldn't even know Ave, if it weren't for you…”

She was smiling gently at him and she was touched. “What about the baby, is that my doing too?”

“Oh, you jerk.…” He tugged at the long blond hair and went back to his future wife, sound asleep in the bed where their baby had been conceived. His “creativity” had paid off, and Tana smiled to herself wistfully that night as she fell asleep. She was happy for him, for them both. But she suddenly felt so alone. She had lived with him for two years, with Averil for half of that, it would be strange living alone without them, and they would have their own life … it all seemed so strange … why did everyone want to get married … Harry … her mother … Ann … what was the magic about that? All Tana had wanted was to get through law school, and when she had finally had an affair with someone, he had turned out to be some wild nut, and had wound up in jail for the rest of his life … it was mystifying as she fell asleep … she didn't have any of the answers, not then or when she moved out.

She moved into a pleasant little flat in Pacific Heights, with a view of the Bay, and it took her fifteen minutes to get to City Hall in the secondhand car she bought. She was trying to save everything she could to go to Harry and Avail's wedding, but Harry insisted on giving her the ticket as a gift. She went just before she started her new job, and she could only stay in Sydney with them for four days. Averil looked like a little doll in a white organza dress, and nothing showed yet at all. Her parents had no idea that there was a baby on the way, and Tana even forgot about it. She forgot everything when she saw Harrison Winslow walk towards her again.

“Hello, Tan.” He kissed her gently on the cheek and she thought she would melt. And he was as he had always been, charming, and debonair, sophisticated in every possible way, but the romance that had been stopped so long ago was not destined to be revived again. They talked for hours, and went for a long walk late one night. He found her different and more grown up, but in his mind, she would always be Harry's friend, and he knew that no matter what, in Harry's mind, Tana would always belong to him, and he still respected that.

He took her to the airport when she left. Harry and Averil had already left on their honeymoon, and he kissed her as he had so long ago, and every ounce of her soul reached out to him. There were tears rolling down her cheeks as she boarded the plane, and the stewardesses left her alone, wondering who the handsome man had been. They wondered if she was his girlfriend or his wife, and they watched her curiously. She was a tall, pretty blonde, in a simple beige linen suit, with an assurance about the way she moved, a proud way she held her head, and what they didn't know was that inside she felt frightened and alone. Everything she was going back to was going to be new all over again. New job, new home, and no one to share it with. She suddenly understood why people like Ann Durning and her mother got married. It was safer than being out there on your own, and yet, it was the only way Tana knew by now, as the plane headed for home.

The apartment Tana had rented had a pretty view of the Bay and a little garden in the back. There was a tiny bedroom, a living room, a kitchen with a brick wall and a little French window that looked out into the garden, where she sat sometimes, soaking up the sun. Unconsciously, she had looked for something on the ground floor, so that when Harry came to see her, he wouldn't have a problem with the chair. And she felt comfortable living there. She was surprised at how quickly she adapted to living alone. Harry and Averil came to see her frequently at first, they missed her, too, and Tana was surprised at how rapidly Averil lost her shape. She blew up into a pretty little balloon, and the whole thing seemed foreign to her. Her own life was involved in such a different world. The world of prosecution, of the D.A., of murders and robberies and rapes. It was all she thought of all day, and the idea of having babies seemed light-years away, although her mother had reported that Ann Durning was pregnant again, not that Tana gave a damn. All of that was too far behind her now. Hearing about the Durnings had no effect at all, even her mother knew that, she had all but given up. And it was the final blow when she heard that Harry had married that other girl. Poor Tana, all those years taking care of him, and he'd gone off with someone else.

“What a rotten thing to do.” Tana had been stunned by her words at first and then she had begun to laugh. It seemed too funny to her. Her mother really never had believed that they were just friends.

“Of course it's not. They're perfect for each other.”

“But don't you mind?” What was wrong with all of them? How did they think these days? And she was twenty-five years old, when was she ever going to settle down?

“Of course I don't mind. I told you years ago, Mom, Harry and I are just friends. The best of friends. And I'm thrilled for them.” She waited a respectable interval to tell her about the child, when she called again.

“And what about you, Tan? When are you going to think about settling down?”

Tana sighed. What a thought. “Don't you ever give up, Mom?”

“Have you, at your age?” What a depressing thought.

“Of course not. I haven't even started to think about that.” She was just out of her affair with Yael McBee, who was the last person one would have thought of settling down with, and she didn't even have time to think of romance at her new job. She was too busy learning to be an assistant D.A. It was almost six months into the job before she even had time for her first date. A senior investigator asked her out, and she went because he was an interesting guy, but she had no real interest in him. She went out with two or three lawyers after that, but her mind was always on her work, and in February she had her first important case, covered by national press. She felt as though all eyes were on her, and she was anxious to do well. It was a fiercely ugly rape and murder. The rape of a fifteen-year-old girl, who had been lured into an abandoned house by her mother's lover. She had been raped nine or ten times, according to the testimony, badly disfigured, and eventually killed, and Tana wanted to get the gas chamber for him. It was a case that struck a chord near her heart, although no one knew that, and she worked her ass off, preparing the case, and reviewing the testimony and the evidence every night. The defendant was an attractive man of about thirty-five, well educated, decently dressed, and the defense was trying to pull every trick in the book. She was up until two o'clock every night. It was almost like trying to pass the bar again.

“How's it going, Tan?” Harry called her late one night. She glanced at the clock, surprised that he was still up. It was almost three.

“Okay. Something wrong? Averil all right?”

“She sure is.” She could almost see him beam. “We just had a baby boy, Tan. Eight pounds one ounce, and she's the bravest girl in the whole world … I was there, and oh Tan, it was so beautiful … his little head just popped out, and there he was, looking at me. They handed him to me first…” He was breathless and excited and he sounded as though he were laughing and crying at the same time. “Ave just went to sleep so I thought I'd give you a call. Were you up?”

“Of course I was. Oh Harry, I'm so happy for both of you!” There were tears in her eyes, too, and she invited him up for a drink. He was there five minutes later, and he looked tired, but the happiest she'd ever seen. And it was the strangest feeling, watching him, listening to him tell it all, as though it had been the first baby that had ever been born, and Averil were miraculous. She almost envied them, and yet at the same time, she felt a terrible void deep in her soul, as though that part of her just wasn't there, almost as though it had been left out. It was like listening to someone speak a foreign tongue and admiring them tremendously, but having no understanding of the language at all. She felt completely in the dark, and yet she thought it was wonderful for them.

It was five o'clock in the morning before he left, and she slept for a little less than two hours before getting up to get ready for court, and she went back to her big case. It dragged on for more than three weeks, and the jury stayed out for nine days, after Tana argued before them heroically. And when they finally came in, she had won. The defendant was convicted of every charge and although the judge refused to impose capital punishment on him, he was sentenced to prison for life, and deep within her, Tana was glad. She wanted him to pay for what he had done, although his going to prison would never bring the girl back to life.

The newspapers said that she had argued the case brilliantly, and Harry teased her about it when she came to see the baby in Piedmont after that, calling her Madam Hotshot, and giving her a bad time.

“All right, all right, enough. Let me see this prodigy you've produced, instead of giving me so much flak.” She was fully prepared to be acutely bored and was surprised to discover how sweet the baby was. Everything was tiny and perfect and she hesitated when Averil tried to hand him to her. “Oh, God … I'm afraid to break him in two.…”

“Don't be silly.” Harry grabbed the baby easily from his wife and plopped him into Tana's arms, and she sat staring down at him, utterly amazed at how lovely he was, and when she handed him back, she felt as though she had lost something and she looked at them both almost enviously, so much so that when she left, he told Averil victoriously, “I think we got to her, Ave,” and indeed she thought about them a great deal that night, but by the following week, she had another big rape case on her hands, and two big murder cases after that. And the next thing she knew, Harry called her victoriously. He had not only passed the bar, but he'd been offered a job, and he could hardly wait to start.

“Who hired you?” She was happy for him. He had worked hard for it. And now he laughed.

“You won't believe this, Tan. I'm going to work for the P.D.”

“The public defender's office?” She laughed too. “You mean I have to try my cases against you?” They went out to lunch to celebrate and all they talked about was work. Marriage and babies were the last thing on her mind. And the next thing she knew, the rest of the year had flown by, and another one on its heels, trying murders and rapes and assaults and assorted other crimes. Only once or twice did she actually find herself working on the same case Harry was on, but they had lunch whenever they could, and he had been in the public defender's office for two years when he told her that Averil was pregnant again. “So soon?” Tana looked surprised. It seemed as though Harrison Winslow V had been born just moments before, but Harry smiled.

“He'll be two next month, Tan.”

“Oh, my God. Is that possible?” She didn't see him often enough, but even at that it seemed impossible. He was going to be two. It was incredible. And she herself was twenty-eight years old, which didn't seem so remarkable actually, except that everything had gone so fast. It seemed like only yesterday when she was going to Green Hill with Sharon Blake, and taking long walks with her into Yolan. Only yesterday when Sharon was alive, and Harry could dance.…

Averil had a baby girl this time, with a tiny pink face, a perfect little mouth, and enormous almond-shaped eyes. She looked incredibly like her grandfather, and Tana felt an odd tug at her heart when she looked at her, but again, it didn't feel like anything she could ever do herself. She said as much to Harry when they had lunch the following week.

“Why not, for chrissake? You're only twenty-nine years old, or you will be in three months.” He looked at her seriously then. “Don't miss out on it, Tan. It's the only thing I've ever done that really matters to me, the only thing I really give a damn about … my children and my wife.” She was shocked to hear him say that. She thought his career was more important to him than that, and then she was even more startled to hear that he was thinking of giving up his job with the P.D., and going into practice for himself.

“Are you serious? Why?”

“Because I don't like working for someone else, and I'm tired of defending those bums. They all did whatever it is they claim they didn't do, or at least most of them anyway, and I'm just sick of it. It's time for a change. I was thinking of going into partnership with another lawyer I know.”

“Wouldn't it be dull for you? Ordinary civil law?” She made it sound like a disease and he laughed as he shook his head.

“No. I don't need as much excitement as you do, Tan. I couldn't run the crusades you do every day. I couldn't survive that day in, day out. I admire you for doing it, but I'll be perfectly happy with a small comfortable practice, and Averil and the kids.” He had never set his sights high, and he was happy with things just as they were. She almost envied him that. There was something deeper and hungrier that burned within her. It was the thing that Miriam Blake had seen in her ten years before, and it was still there. It wanted tougher cases, across-the-board convictions, it wanted harder and more, and greater challenges all the time. She was particularly flattered when, the following year, she was assigned to a panel of attorneys that met with the governor over a series of issues that affected the criminal processes all over the state. There were half a dozen lawyers involved, all of them male except for Tana, two of them from Los Angeles, two from San Francisco, one from Sacramento, and one from San Jose, and it was the most interesting week she thought she had ever spent. She was exhilarated day after day. The attorneys and the judges and politicians conferred long into the night, and by the time she got into bed every night, she was so excited about what they'd been talking about that she couldn't sleep for the next two hours. She lay awake running it all through her mind.

“Interesting, isn't it?” The attorney she sat next to on the second day leaned over and spoke to her in an undervoice as they listened to the governor discuss an issue she had been arguing about with someone the night before. He was taking exactly the position she had herself and she wanted to stand up and cheer.

“Yes, it is.” She whispered back. He was one of the attorneys from Los Angeles. He was tall and attractive and had gray hair. They were seated next to each other at lunch the next day, and she was surprised to discover how liberal he was. He was an interesting man, from New York originally, he had gone to Harvard Law School, and had then moved to Los Angeles. “And actually, I've been living in Washington for the last few years, working with the government, but I just came back out West again, and I'm glad I did.” He smiled. He had an easy way, a warm smile, and she liked his ideas when they talked again that night, and by the end of the week, all of them felt as though they had become friends. It had been a fascinating exchange of ideas for the past week.

He was staying at the Huntington. And he offered her a drink at L'Etoile before he left. Of all the people there, they had had the most thoughts in common, and Tana had found him a pleasant companion on the various panels they'd been on. He was hard working and professional, and pleasant almost all the time.

“How do you like working in the D.A.'s office?” He had been intrigued by that. Generally, the women he knew didn't like it there. They went into family practices, or other aspects of the law, but female prosecutors were rare everywhere, for obvious reasons. It was a damn tough job, and no one made things easy for them.

“I love it.” She smiled. “It doesn't leave me much time for myself, but that's all right.” She smiled at him, and smoothed back her hair. She still wore it long, but she wore it in a knot when she worked. She was given to wearing suits and blouses when she went to court, but she still lived in jeans at home. And she was wearing a gray flannel suit now, with a pale gray silk shirt.

“Married?” He raised an eyebrow and glanced at her hand, and she smiled.

“No time for that either, I'm afraid.” There had been a handful of men in her life in recent years, but they never lasted long. She ignored them for weeks on end, preparing trials, and just never had enough time for them. It wasn't a loss that had bothered her very much, although Harry kept insisting she'd be sorry one day. “I'll do something about it then.” “When? When you're ninety-five?”

“What were you doing in government, Drew?” His name was Drew Lands and he had the bluest eyes she'd ever seen. She liked the way he smiled at her, and she found herself wondering how old he was, and correctly guessed that he was around forty-five.

“I had an appointment to the Department of Commerce for a while. Someone died, and I was filling in until they made a permanent change.” He smiled at her, and she realized again that she liked the way he looked, more than she had anyone in a long time. “It was an interesting job for a time. There's something incredibly exhilarating about Washington. Everything centers around the government, and the people involved with it. If you're not in government, you're absolutely no one there. And the sense of power is overwhelming. It's all that matters there, to anyone.” He smiled at her, and it was easy to see that he had been part of that.

“That must be hard to give up.” She was intrigued by that, and she herself had wondered more than once if she would be interested in politics, but she didn't really think it would suit her as well as the law.

“It was time. I was happy to get back to Los Angeles.” He smiled easily and put down his scotch again, looking at her. “It almost feels like home again. And you, Tana? What's home to you? Are you a San Francisco girl?”

She shook her head. “New York originally. But I've been here since I went to Boalt.” It had been eight years since she arrived, and that in itself was incredible, since 1964. “I can't imagine living anywhere else now … or doing anything else.…” She loved the district attorney's office more than anything. There was always excitement for her there, and she had grown up a lot in her five years on the job. And that was another thing … five years as an assistant D.A. That was as hard to believe as the rest … where did the time run to, while one worked? Suddenly one woke up and ten years had drifted past … ten years … or five … or one … it all seemed the same after a while. Ten years felt like one felt like an eternity.

“You looked awfully serious just then.” He was watching her, and they exchanged a smile.

She shrugged philosophically. “I was just thinking how quickly time rushes by. It's hard to believe I've been out here this long … and in the D.A.'s office for five years.”

“That was how I felt about Washington. The three years felt more like three weeks, and suddenly it was time to go home.”

“Think you'll go back one day?”

He smiled, and there was something there she couldn't quite read. “For a while anyway. My kids are still there. I didn't want to pull them out of school halfway through the year, and my wife and I haven't resolved yet where they're going to live. Probably half and half, eventually. It's the only thing that's fair to us, although it might be difficult for them at first. But kids adjust.” He smiled at her. He had obviously just gotten divorced.

“How old are they?”

“Thirteen and nine. Both girls. They're terrific kids, and they're very close to Eileen, but they've stayed close to me, too, and they're really happier in L.A. than they are in Washington. That's not really much of a life for kids back there, and she's awfully busy,” he volunteered.

“What does she do?”

“She's assistant to the Ambassador to the OAS, and actually she has her sights on an ambassadorial post herself. That'll make it pretty impossible to take the kids with her, so I'd have them then. Everything is still pretty much up in the air.” He smiled again, but a little more hesitantly this time.

“How long have you two been divorced?”

“Actually, we're working it out right now. We took our time deciding while we were in Washington, and now it's definite. I'm going to file as soon as things settle down. I'm hardly unpacked yet.”

She smiled at him, thinking of how difficult it had to be, children, a wife, traveling three thousand miles, Washington, Los Angeles. But it didn't seem to shake up his style. He had made incredible sense at the conference. Of the six attorneys involved, she had been most impressed with him. She had also been impressed with how reasonable he was about being liberal. Ever since her experiences with Yael McBee five years before, her liberalism had been curbed considerably. And five years in the D.A.'s office was making her less liberal by the hour. She was suddenly for tougher laws, tighter controls, and all the liberal ideas she had believed in for so long no longer made as much sense to her, but somehow Drew Lands made them palatable again, and even if the actual positions no longer appealed to her, he didn't alienate anyone expressing his views. “I thought you handled it beautifully.” He was touched and pleased, and they had another drink, before he dropped her off at her place in his cab, and went on to the airport to go back to Los Angeles.

“Could I call you sometime?” He asked hesitantly, as though he were afraid there might be someone important to her, but at the moment there was no one at all. There had been a creative director in an ad agency for a few months the year before, and actually no one at all since then. He had been too busy and too harassed and so had she, and the affair had ended as quietly as it had begun. She had taken to telling people that she was married to her work, and she was the D.A.'s “other wife,” which made her colleagues laugh. But it was almost true by now. Drew looked at her hopefully, and she nodded with a smile.

“Sure. I'd like that.” God only knew when he'd be back in town again anyway. And she was trying a big Murder One case anyway for the next two months.

But he astounded her and called her the next day, as she sat in her office, drinking coffee and making notes, as she outlined her approach for the case. There was going to be a lot of press involved and she didn't want to make a fool of herself. She wasn't thinking of anything but the case when she grabbed the phone and barked into it. “Yes?”

“Miss Roberts please.” He was never surprised by the rudeness of the people who worked for the D.A.

“That's me.” She sounded playful suddenly. She was so damn tired, she was slaphappy. It was almost five o'clock, and she hadn't left her desk all day. Not even for lunch. She hadn't eaten anything since dining the night before, except for the gallons of coffee she'd consumed.

“It didn't sound like you.” His voice was almost a caress, and she was startled at first, wondering if it was a crank call.

“Who's this?”

“Drew Lands.”

“Christ … I'm sorry … I was so totally submerged in my work, I didn't recognize your voice at first. How are you?”

“Fine. I thought I'd give you a call and see how you were, more importantly.”

“Preparing a big murder case I'm starting next week.”

“That sounds like fun.” He said it sarcastically and they both laughed. “And what do you do in your spare time?”

“Work.”

“I figured as much. Don't you know that's bad for your health?”

“I'll have to worry about that when I take my retirement. Meanwhile, I don't have time.”

“What about this weekend? Can you take a break?”

“I don't know … I…” She usually worked weekends, especially right now. And the panel had cost her a whole week she should have spent preparing her case. “I really should…”

“Come on, you can afford a few hours off. I thought I'd borrow a friend's yacht in Belvedere. You can even bring your work along, although it's a sacrilege.” But it was late October then, and the weather would have been perfect for an afternoon on the Bay, warm and sunny with bright blue skies. It was the best time of the year, and San Francisco was lyrical. She was almost tempted to accept, but she just didn't want to leave her work undone.

“I really should prepare.…”

“Dinner instead … ? lunch … ?” And then suddenly they both laughed. No one had been that persistent in a long time and it was flattering.

“I'd really like to, Drew.”

“Then, do. And I promise, I won't take more time than I should. What's easiest for you?”

“That sail on the Bay sounded awfully good. I might even play hooky for a day.” The image of trying to juggle important papers in the breeze did not appeal to her, but an outing on the Bay with Drew Lands did.

“I'll be there, then. How does Sunday sound?”

“Ideal to me.”

“I'll pick you up at nine. Dress warmly in case the wind comes up.”

“Yes, sir.” She smiled to herself, hung up, and went back to work, and promptly at nine o'clock Sunday morning, Drew Lands arrived, in white jeans, sneakers, a bright red shirt, and a yellow parka under his arm. His face already looked tan, his hair shone like silver in the sun, and the blue eyes danced as she followed him out to the car. He was driving a silver Porsche he had driven up from L.A. on Friday night, he said, but true to his word, he hadn't bothered her. He drove her down to the Saint Francis Yacht Club where the boat was moored, and half an hour later they were out on the Bay. He was an excellent sailor, and there was a skipper aboard, and she lay happily on the deck, soaking up the sun, trying not to think of her murder case, and suddenly glad she'd let him talk her into taking the day off.

“The sun feels good, doesn't it?” His voice was deep, and he was sitting on the deck next to her when she opened her eyes.

“It does. Somehow everything else seems so unimportant all of a sudden. All the things one scurries around about, all the details that seem so monumental, and then suddenly poof … they're gone.” She smiled at him, wondering if he missed his kids a lot, and it was as though he read her mind.

“One of these days, I'd like you to meet my girls, Tana. They'd be crazy about you.”

“I don't know about that.” She sounded hesitant, and her smile was shy. “I don't know much about little girls, I'm afraid.”

He looked at her appraisingly, but not accusingly. “Have you ever wanted children of your own?”

He was the kind of man one could be honest with and she shook her head. “No, I haven't. I've never had the desire, or the time,” she smiled openly then, “or the right man in my life, not to mention the right circumstances.”

He laughed. “That certainly takes care of pretty much everything, doesn't it?”

“Yup. What about you?” She was feeling breezy and carefree with him. “Do you want more?”

He shook his head, and she knew that that was the kind of man she would want one day. She was thirty years old and it was too late for children for her. She had nothing in common with them anyway. “I can't anyway, or not at least without going to an awful lot of trouble. Eileen and I decided when Julie was born that that was it for us. I had a vasectomy.” He spoke of it so openly that it shocked her a little bit. But what was wrong with not wanting more kids? She didn't want any, and she didn't have any at all.

“That solves the problem anyway, doesn't it?”

“Yes,” he smiled mischievously, “in more ways than one.” She told him about Harry then, his two children, Averil … and when Harry came back from Vietnam, the incredible year of watching him fight for his life and go through surgery, and the courage he had had.

“It changed my life in a lot of ways. I don't think I was ever the same after that.…” She looked out over the water pensively, and he watched the sunlight dancing on her golden hair. “… it was as though things mattered so much after that. Everything did. You couldn't afford to take anything for granted after that.” She sighed and looked at him. “I felt that way once before too.”

“When was that?” His eyes were gentle as he looked at her and she wondered what it would be like to be kissed by him.

“When my college roommate died. We went to Green Hill together, in the South,” she explained seriously and he smiled.

“I know where it is.”

“Oh.” She smiled back. “She was Sharon Blake … Freeman Blake's daughter, and she died on a march with Martin Luther King nine years ago.… She and Harry changed my life more than anyone else I know.”

“You're a serious girl, aren't you?”

“Very, I guess. Maybe ‘intense’ is the right word. I work too hard, I think too much. I find it hard to turn all that off a lot of the time.” He had noticed that, but he didn't mind that. His wife had been like that, too, and it hadn't bothered him. He hadn't been the one who wanted out. She was. She was having an affair with her boss in Washington, and she wanted some “time off,” she said, so he gave it to her and came home, but he didn't want to go into details about that.

“Have you ever lived with anyone? I mean, romantically, not your friend, the Vietnam vet.” It was funny to hear Harry referred to that way, it was so impersonal.

“No. I've never had that kind of relationship.”

“It would probably suit you very well. Closeness without being tied down.”

“That sounds about right.”

“It does to me too.” He looked pensive again, and then he smiled at her almost boyishly. “Too bad we don't live in the same town.” It was a funny thing to say so soon, but everything happened quickly with him. In the end, it turned out that he was just as intense as she said she was. He came back to see her for dinner twice that week, flying up from Los Angeles, and then flying back afterwards, and the following weekend he took her sailing again, even though she was totally immersed in her murder case and she was anxious for it to go well. But if anything he soothed her, and made things easier for her, and she was amazed at that. And after their second day on the Bay in his friend's boat, he brought her home, and they made love in front of the fire in her living room. It was tender and romantic and sweet, and he made her dinner afterwards. He spent the night, and remarkably, he didn't crowd her at all. He got up at six o'clock, showered, dressed, brought her breakfast in bed, and left in a taxi for the airport at seven fifteen. He caught the eight o'clock plane to Los Angeles, and was in his office by nine twenty-five, looking neat as a pin. And within weeks, he had established a regular commuting schedule, almost without asking her, but it all happened so easily, and made her life so much happier that she suddenly felt as though her whole life had improved. He came to see her in court twice and she won her case. He was there when the verdict came in and took her out to celebrate. He gave her a beautiful gold bracelet that day that he had bought her at Tiffany in Los Angeles, and that weekend she went down to Los Angeles to visit him. They had dinner Friday and Saturday nights at the Bistro and Ma Maison, and spent the days shopping on Rodeo Drive or lounging around his swimming pool, and on Sunday night, after a quiet dinner he cooked her himself on his barbecue, she flew back to San Francisco alone. She found herself thinking about him all the way home, about how quickly she had gotten involved with him, and it was a little frightening to think about, but he seemed so definite, so anxious to establish a relationship with her. She was also aware of how lonely he was. The house he lived in was spectacular, modern, open, filled with expensive modern art, and with two empty rooms for his two girls. But there was no one else there, and he seemed to want to be with her all the time. By Thanksgiving she had grown used to his spending half the week in San Francisco with her, and after almost two months, it didn't even seem strange to her anymore. It was the week before the holiday when he suddenly turned to her.

“What are you doing next week, sweetheart?” “For Thanksgiving?” She looked surprised. She really hadn't thought of it. She had three small cases in her files that she wanted to close out, if the defendants would agree to making a deal. It would certainly make life simpler for her, and none of them were really worth taking to trial. “I don't know. I haven't given it much thought.” She hadn't gone home in years. Thanksgivings with Arthur and Jean were absolutely unbearable. Ann had gotten divorced again several years before, and she lived in Greenwich now, so she was on hand with her unruly kids. Billy came and went if he had nothing better to do. He hadn't gotten married yet. Arthur got more tiresome with age, her mother more nervous, and she seemed to whine a lot now, mostly about the fact that Tana had never married and probably wouldn't now. “A wasted life” was usually the headline of time spent with her, to which Tana could only answer, “Thanks, Mom.” The alternative was Thanksgiving with Averil and Harry, but as much as she loved them, their friends in Piedmont were so painfully dull, with their little children and large station wagons. Tana always felt totally out of place with them, and infinitely glad she was. She marveled at how Harry could tolerate it. She and his father had laughed about it together one year. He couldn't stand it any better than Tana could, and he rarely appeared. He knew that Harry was happy, well cared for, and didn't need him, so he kept to the life he enjoyed.

“Want to go to New York with me?” Drew looked at her hopefully.

“Are you serious? Why?” She looked surprised. What was in New York for him? Both of his parents were dead, he had said, and his daughters were in Washington.

“Well,” he had already thought it all out ahead of time, “you could see your family, I could stop off in Washington first to see the girls, and then meet you in New York and we could play a little bit. Maybe I could even bring them up with me. How does that sound?”

She thought about it and slowly nodded her head, her hair falling around her like a fan. “Possible.” She smiled up at him. “Maybe even very possible, if you leave out the part about my family. Holidays with them are what drive people to suicide.”

He laughed. “Don't be so cynical, you witch.” He gently tugged a lock of hair and kissed her lips. He was so deliciously affectionate, she had never known a man like him before, and parts of her were opening up to him that had never opened up to anyone. She was surprised at how much she trusted him. “Seriously, could you get away?”

“Actually, right now I could.” And that was unusual for her too.

“Well?” Stars danced in his eyes and she threw herself into his arms.

“You win. I'll even offer a visit to my mother up as a sacrifice.”

“You'll go to heaven for that for sure. I'll take care of everything. We can both fly East next Wednesday night. You spend Thursday in Connecticut, and I'll meet you in New York on Thursday night with the girls at … let's see…”He looked pensive and she grinned. “The Hotel Pierre?” She fully intended offering to pay her share, but he shook his head.

“The Carlyle. I always try to stay there if I can, especially with the girls, it's nice for them up there.” It was also where he had gone with Eileen for the last nineteen years, but he didn't tell Tana that. He arranged everything, and Wednesday night found them on separate planes, heading East, she wondering for a moment at how easily she had let him make her plans for her. It was sort of a novelty for her, no one had ever done that before, and he seemed to do it so well and so easily. He was used to it. And when she arrived in New York, she suddenly realized that she was actually there. It was bitter cold, and traces of the first snow were already on the ground as she rode in the cab to Connecticut from John F. Kennedy Airport. She was thinking of Harry as they rode along, and the time he had punched Billy in the face. She was sorry he wasn't there now. She was really not looking forward to Thanksgiving with them. She would have preferred to go to Washington with Drew, but she didn't want to intrude on his private Thanksgiving with his girls after not seeing them for two months. Harry had invited her to join them in Piedmont, as he did every year, but she explained that she was going to New York this year.

“My God, you must be sick,” he laughed.

“Not yet. But I will be by the time I leave. I can already hear my mother now … ‘a wasted life.…’“

“Speaking of which, I wanted to introduce you to my associate, finally.” He had started his own law firm after all, and Tana had never gotten around to meeting the other half. She just never had time, and they were actually surprisingly busy too. Things were going well for them on a small but pleasant scale. It was exactly what they had both wanted, and Harry was ecstatic about it whenever he talked to her.

“Maybe when I get back.”

“That's what you always say. Christ, you're never going to meet him, Tan, and he's such a nice guy.”

“Uh oh. I smell a blind date. Am I right? A hungry one even … oh, no!” She was laughing now, the way they used to in the old days and Harry laughed too.

“You suspicious bitch. What do you think, everyone wants to get into your pants?”

“Not at all. I just know you. If he's under ninety-five and has no objection to getting married, you want to fix him up with me. Don't you know I'm a hardened case, Winslow? Give up, for chrissake. Never mind, I'll have my mother call you from New York.”

“Don't bother, you jerk. But you don't know what you're missing this time. He's wonderful, Averil thinks so too.”

“I'm sure he is. Fix him up with someone else.”

“Why? Are you getting married?”

“Maybe.” She was teasing him, but his ears instantly perked up and she regretted saying it.

“Yeah? To who?”

“Frankenstein. For chrissake, get off my back.”

“The hell I will. You're seeing someone, aren't you?”

“No … yes! … I mean no. Shit. Yes, but not seriously. Okay? Will that suffice?”

“Hell, no. Who is he, Tan? Is it serious?”

“No. He's just a guy I'm seeing like all of the others. That's all. Nice guy. Nice date. No big deal.”

“Where's he from?”

“L.A.”

“What's he do?”

“He's a rapist. I met him in court.”

“Not cute. Try again.” It was like being a hunted animal and she was getting annoyed at him.

“He's an attorney, now lay off, dammit. It's no big deal.”

“Something tells me that it is.” He knew her well. Drew was different from the others, but she didn't want to admit that yet, least of all to herself.

“Then you have your head up your ass, as usual. Now, give Averil my love, and I'll see you both when I get back from New York.”

“What are you doing for Christmas this year?” He was half inviting and half prying, and she felt like hanging up on him.

“I'm going to Sugar Bowl, is that all right with you?”

“Alone?”

“Harry!” Of course not. She was going with Drew.

They had already decided that. Eileen was taking the girls to Vermont with her, so he would be alone, and the holidays were going to be difficult for him. They both expected it. But Tana wasn't going to tell Harry any of it. “Goodbye. See you soon.”

“Wait … I wanted to tell you more about…”

“No!” She had finally hung up on him, and as she approached Greenwich in the cab, she smiled to herself, wondering what he'd think of Drew. She suspected that they'd like each other, even though Harry would give him the third degree, which was why she wanted to wait awhile. It was rare that she introduced any of her men to him. Only after she decided she didn't give a damn about them. But this time was different.…

Her mother and Arthur were waiting for her when she arrived, and it shocked her to see how much he had aged. Her mother was only fifty-two years old, which was still young, but Arthur was sixty-six now and he wasn't aging gracefully. The years of stress with his alcoholic wife had taken their toll, as had running Durning International, and it all showed now. He had had several heart attacks and a small stroke, and he looked terribly old and frail, and Jean was very nervous, watching him. She seemed to cling to Tana like a life raft in a troubled sea, and when Arthur went to bed that night, her mother came to her room and sat at the foot of the bed. It was the first time Tana had actually stayed at the house, and she had the newly decorated bedroom her mother had promised her. It was just too much trouble to stay in town, or at a hotel, and Tana knew her mother would have been terribly hurt. They saw too little of her as it was. Arthur only went to Palm Beach, to their condo- minium there, and her mother didn't like to leave him to fly out to San Francisco, so they only saw Tana when she came East, which was more and more infrequently.

“Is everything all right, sweetheart?”

“Fine.” It was better than that, but she didn't want to say anything about it to Jean.

“I'm glad.” She usually waited a day to start complaining about Tana's “wasted life,” but this time she didn't have much time so she would have to move fast, Tana knew. “Your job's all right?”

“It's wonderful.” She smiled and Jean looked sad. It always depressed her that Tana liked her job as much as she did. It meant she wouldn't be giving it up soon. She still secretly thought that one day Tana would drop everything for the right man, it was hard for Jean to imagine that she wouldn't do that. But she didn't know her daughter very well. She never really had, and she knew her even less now.

“Any new men?” It was the same conversation they always had, and Tana usually said no, but this time she decided to throw her mother a small bone.

“One.”

Jean's eyebrows shot up. “Anything serious?”

“Not yet.” Tana laughed. It was almost cruel to tease her that way. “And don't get excited, I don't think it ever will be. He's a nice man, and it's very comfortable, but I don't think it's more than that.” But the sparkle in her eyes said that she lied and Jean saw that too.

“How long have you been seeing him?”

“Two months.”

“Why didn't you bring him East?”

Tana took a deep breath and hugged her knees on the single guest bed, her eyes fixed on Jean's. “As a matter of fact, he's visiting his little girls in Washington.” She didn't tell her that she was meeting him in New York the following night. She had let Jean think she was flying back out West. It gave her brownie points for coming home just for a day, and gave her the freedom to float around New York at will with Drew. She didn't want to drag him out to meet her family, especially not with Arthur and his offspring around.

“How long has he been divorced, Tana?” Her mother sounded somewhat vague as she glanced away.

“Awhile.” She lied, and suddenly her mother's eyes dug into her.

“How long?”

“Relax, Mom. He's actually working on it right now. They just filed.”

“How long ago?”

“A few months. For heaven's sake … relax!”

“That's exactly what you shouldn't do.” She got off the foot of Tana's bed and suddenly paced the room nervously, and then stood glaring at Tana again. “And the other thing you shouldn't do is go out with him.”

“What a ridiculous thing to say. You don't even know the man.”

“I don't have to, Tana.” She spoke almost bitterly. “I know the syndrome. The man doesn't even matter sometimes. Unless he's already divorced, with his papers in his hand, steer clear of him.”

“That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. You don't trust anyone, do you, Mom?”

“I'm just a whole lot older than you are, Tan. And as sophisticated as you think you are, I know better than you. Even if he thinks he's going to get divorced, even if he's absolutely sure of it, he may not. He may be so totally wound up in his kids, for all you know, that he just can't divorce his wife. Six months from now, he could go back to her, and you'll be left standing there, in love with him by then, with no way out, and you'll talk yourself into sticking around for two years … five years … ten … and the next thing you know, you'll be forty-five years old, and if you're lucky,” her eyes were damp, “he'll have his first heart attack and need you by then … but his wife may still be alive, and then you'll never have a chance at him. There are some things you can't fight. And most of the time, that's one of them. It's a bond that no one else can break for him. If he breaks it himself, or already has, then more power to you both, but before you get badly hurt, sweetheart, I'd like to see you stay out of it.” Her voice was so compassionate and so sad that Tana felt sorry for her. Her life hadn't been much fun since she and Arthur had gotten married, but she had won him at last, after long, hard, desperately lonely years. “I don't want that for you, sweetheart. You deserve better than that. Why don't you stay out of it for a while, and see what happens to him?”

“Life is too short for that, Mom. I don't have much time to play games with anyone. I have too much else to do. And what difference does it make? I don't want to get married anyway.”

Jean sighed and sat down again. “I don't understand why. What do you have against marriage, Tan?”

“Nothing. It makes sense if you want kids, I guess, or have no career of your own. But I do, I have too much else in my life to be dependent on anyone, and I'm too old for children, now. I'm thirty years old, and I'm set in my ways. I could never turn my life upside down for anyone.” She thought of Harry and Averil's house which looked as though a demolition squad stopped to visit them every day. “It's just not for me.” Jean couldn't help wondering if it was something she had done, but it was a combination of everything, knowing that Arthur had cheated on Marie, seeing how badly her mother had been hurt for so long, and not wanting that for herself, she wanted her career, her independence, her own life. She didn't want a husband and kids, she was sure of it. She had been for years.

“You're missing out on so much.” Jean looked sad. What hadn't she given this child to make her feel like that?

“I just can't see that, Mom.” She searched her mother's eyes for something she saw but didn't understand.

“You're the only thing that matters to me, Tan.” She found that hard to believe and yet for years her mother had sacrificed everything for her, even putting up with Arthur's gifts of charity, just so she would have something more for her child. It tore at Tana's heart to remember that, and it reminded her of how grateful she should be. She hugged her mother tight, remembering the past.

“I love you, Mom. I'm grateful for everything you did for me.”

“I don't want gratitude. I want to see you happy, sweetheart. And if this man is good for you, then wonderful, but if he's lying to you or himself, he'll break your heart. I don't want that for you … ever.…”

“It's not like what happened to you.” Tana was sure of it, but Jean was not.

“How can you know? How can you be sure of that?”

“I just can. I know him by now.”

“After two months? Don't be a fool. You don't know anything, any more than I did twenty-four years ago. Arthur wasn't lying to me then, he was lying to himself. Is that what you want, seventeen years of lonely nights, Tan? Don't do that to yourself.”

“I won't. I've got my work.”

“It's no substitute.” But in her case it was, she substituted it for everything. “Promise me you'll think about what I said.”

“I promise.” She smiled and the two women hugged each other goodnight again. Tana was touched by her mother's concern, but she knew for certain that she was wrong about Drew. She went to sleep with a smile on her face, thinking of him and his little girls. She wondered what he was doing with them. She had the name of his hotel in Washington, but she didn't want to intrude on them.

The Thanksgiving dinner at the Durning home the next day was predictably dull for everyone, but Jean was grateful that Tana was there. Arthur was somewhat vague, and fell asleep twice in his chair, the maid gave him a gentle nudge, and eventually Jean helped him upstairs. Ann arrived with her three brats, who were even worse than they had been several years before. She was talking about marrying a Greek shipping magnate and Tana tried not to listen to her, but it was impossible. The only blessing of the day was that Billy had gone to Florida with friends instead of being there.

And by five o'clock Tana was checking her watch regularly. She had promised Drew she would be at the Carlyle by nine, and they hadn't called each other all day. She was suddenly dying to see him again, to look into his eyes, touch his face, feel his hands, peel away his clothes as she dropped her own. She wore a veiled smile as she went upstairs to pack her bags, and her mother came into the room as she did. Their eyes met in the large mirror over the chest of drawers, and Jean spoke to her first.

“You're going to meet him, aren't you?”

She could have lied to her, but she was thirty years old, what was the point? “Yes.” She turned to face her mother across the room. “I am.”

“You frighten me.”

“You worry about things too much. This isn't a replay of your life, Mother, it's mine. There is a difference.”

“Not always as much as we'd like to think, I'm afraid.”

“You're wrong this time.”

“I hope for your sake that I am.” But she looked grief stricken when Tana finally called a cab, and rode into New York at eight o'clock. She couldn't get her mother's words out of her mind, and by the time she arrived at the hotel, she was angry with her. Why did she burden her with her own bad experiences, her disappointments, her pain? What right did she have to do that? It was like a blanket of cement one had to wear everywhere to prove that one had been loved, well, she didn't want to be loved that much. She didn't need it anymore. She wanted to be left alone to lead her own life now.

The Carlyle was a beautiful hotel, with thickly carpeted steps down to the lobby's marble floor, Persian rugs, antique clocks, handsome paintings on the walls, and gentlemen at the desk in morning coats. It was all from another world, and Tana smiled to herself. This was not her mother's life, it was her own. She was sure of that now. She gave Drew's name, and went upstairs to the room. He had not yet arrived, but they obviously knew him well. The room was as sumptuous as the lobby had promised it would be, with a sweeping view of Central Park, the skyline shimmering like jewels, more antiques, this time upholstered in a deep rose silk, heavy satin drapes, and a magnum of champagne waiting in a bucket of ice, a gift from the management. “Enjoy your stay” were the bellboy's final words, and Tana sat down on the handsome couch, wondering if she should run a bath for herself, or wait. She still wasn't sure if he was bringing the girls, but she thought he was. She didn't want to shock them by being undressed when they came. But an hour later, they had not yet arrived, and it was after ten o'clock when he finally called.

“Tana?”

“No, Sophia Loren.”

He laughed. “I'm disappointed. I like Tana Roberts better than her.”

“Now I know you're crazy, Drew.”

“I am. About you.”

“Where are you?”

There was the briefest pause. “In Washington. Julie has an awful cold, and we thought that Elizabeth might be coming down with the flu. I thought maybe I ought to wait here, and I might not bring them up at all. I'll come up tomorrow, Tan. Is that all right?”

“Sure.” She understood, but she had also noticed the “we” that had snuck in. “We thought that Elizabeth.…” And she wasn't too crazy about that. “The room is fabulous.”

“Aren't they wonderful? Were they nice to you?”

“They sure were.” She looked around the room, “but it's no fun without you, Mr. Lands. Keep that in mind.”

“I'll be there tomorrow. I swear.”

“What time?”

He thought for a minute. “I'll have breakfast with the girls … see how they feel … that should make it ten o'clock. I could catch a noon plane … I'll be at the hotel by two without fail.” That meant half the day was shot, and she wanted to say something about that, but thought wiser of it.

“All right.” But she didn't sound pleased, and when she hung up the phone she had to push her mother's words out of her head again. She took a hot bath, watched television, ordered a cup of hot chocolate from room service, and wondered what he was doing in Washington, and then suddenly she felt guilty for what she hadn't said to him. It wasn't his fault the kids were sick. It was certainly a nuisance for them, but it was no one's fault. She picked up the phone and asked for the hotel where he was staying in Washington, but he wasn't there. She left a message that she had called, watched the late show, and fell asleep with the television still on. She woke up at nine o'clock the next day, and went out to discover that it was an absolutely gorgeous day. She went for a long walk down Fifth Avenue, and over to Bloomingdale's where she puttered for a while and bought a few things for herself, a handsome blue cashmere sweater for him, and gifts for the girls, a doll for Julie and a pretty blouse for Elizabeth, and then she went back to the Car-lyle to wait for him, but there was a message this time. Both the girls were deathly ill, “will arrive Friday night,” which he did not. Julie had a fever of one hundred and five, and Tana spent another night at the Carlyle alone. On Saturday she went to the Metropolitan, and on Saturday afternoon at five o'clock, he arrived finally, in time to make love to her, order room service, apologize to her all night, and take the plane back to San Francisco with her the next day. It had been a great weekend for them in New York.

“Remind me to do that again with you sometime,” she said half sarcastically as they finished dinner on the plane.

“Are you furious with me, Tan?” He had looked miserable ever since he'd arrived in New York, consumed with guilt toward her, worried about the girls, he talked too much, too fast, and he wasn't himself for days.

“No, I'm disappointed more than furious. How was your ex-wife by the way?”

“Fine.” He didn't seem anxious to talk about her and was surprised Tana had asked. It didn't seem an appropriate subject for them, but she was haunted by her mother's words. “What made you ask that?”

“Just curious.” She took a mouthful of the dessert on the tray, looking strangely cool as she glanced at him. “Are you still in love with her?”

“Of course not. That's ridiculous. I haven't been in love with her for years.” He looked downright annoyed and Tana was pleased. Her mother was wrong. As usual. “You may not be aware of it, Tan,” he hesitated, looking pale, “but I happen to be in love with you.” He looked at her for a long time, and she watched his face searchingly. And then at least she smiled, but she said nothing at all. She kissed his lips, put down her fork, and eventually closed her eyes for a nap. There was nothing she wanted to say to him, and he was so oddly uncomfortable. It had been a difficult weekend for both of them.

December flew by, with a series of small cases on Tana's desk, and a number of parties she went to with Drew. He seemed to think nothing of flying up for the night, and sometimes he came just to have dinner with her. They shared delicious tender moments, quiet nights at home, and a kind of intimacy that Tana had never known before. She realized now how lonely she had been for so long. There had been her mad affair with Yael years before, and since then only casual relationships that came and went, without meaning much to her. But everything about Drew Lands was different. He was so sensitive, so intense, so thoughtful in small ways that meant a great deal to her. She felt surrounded and protected and alive, and they laughed most of the time. By the time the holidays came, he was excited about seeing his two little girls again. They were coming out from Washington to spend Christmas with him. He had cancelled his skiing trip to Sugar Bowl with her.

“Will you come down and spend some time with us, Tan?”

She smiled at him; she knew how crazy he was about his kids. “I'll try.” She had a big case coming up, but she was pretty sure it wouldn't actually go to trial for a while. “I think I can.”

“Do your best. You could come down on the twenty-sixth, and we could spend a few days in Malibu.” He was renting a little weekend place there, but she was not surprised by that so much as by the date he had said … the twenty-sixth … she realized then that he wanted to be alone with the girls for the holidays. “Will you, Tan?” He sounded like a little kid and she hugged him tight and laughed at him.

“Okay, okay, I'll come down. What do you think the girls would like?”

“You.” They exchanged a smile and he kissed her again.

He spent the week before getting everything ready for them in L.A. Tana was trying to clean up the work on her desk so she could take a few days off from the District Attorney's office, and she had lots of shopping to do. She bought Drew a suede shirt, and a very expensive briefcase that he'd seen and loved, the eau de cologne that he wore, and a wild tie she knew he'd love. And she bought each of the girls a beautiful doll at F.A.O. Schwarz, some stationery, some barrettes, an adorable sweat suit for Elizabeth that looked just like one Tana had, and a rabbit made of real fur for the little one. She wrapped all the gifts, and put them in a suitcase to take to L.A. with her. She hadn't bothered with a tree this year; she didn't really have time and there was no one to see it anyway. She spent Christmas Eve with Harry and Averil and their kids, and it was relaxing just being with them. Harry had never looked better, and Averil looked contented as little Harrison ran around waiting for Santa Claus. They sliced carrots for the reindeer, put chocolate chip cookies out, a big glass of milk, and finally got him into bed. His sister was already asleep, and when he finally fell asleep too, Averil tiptoed into their rooms to look at them with a quiet smile, as Harry watched her go, and Tana watched him. It made her feel good just to see him like that, contented and alive. His life had turned out well, although it certainly wasn't what he had expected to do with his life. He glanced at Tana with a smile, and it was as though they both understood.

“Funny, isn't it, Tan, how life works out…”

“Yeah, it is.” She smiled at him. They had known each other for twelve years, almost half their lives. It was incredible.

“I figured you'd be married in two years when I met you that first time.”

“And I thought you'd die a hopeless degenerate … no…,” she looked pensive and amused, “… a playboy drunk…”

He laughed at the idea. “You've got me mixed up with my old man.”

“Hardly.” She still had a soft spot for Harrison, but Harry had never been quite sure of that. He had suspected it once, but he had never been sure, and his father had never let on to anything. Nor had Tan.

Harry looked at her oddly then. He hadn't expected to be spending Christmas with her this year, not after the hints she had dropped about Drew once or twice. He had the strangest feeling that it was serious for her, more so even than she would let on to him. “Where's your friend, Tan? I thought you were going to Sugar Bowl.” She looked blank at first, but she knew instantly who he meant and he grinned. “Come on, don't pull that ‘who do you mean’ shit on me. I know you better than that.”

She laughed at him. “All right, all right. He's in L.A. with his kids. We cancelled Sugar Bowl because his kids were coming out. I'm going down on the twenty-sixth.” Harry thought that strange but he didn't say anything to her.

“He means a lot to you, doesn't he?”

She nodded cautiously, but she didn't meet his eyes. “He does … for whatever that's worth.”

“What is it worth, Tan?”

She sighed and leaned back in her chair. “God only knows.”

Harry kept wondering something and he finally had to ask. “How come you're not down there today?”

“I didn't want to intrude.” But that wasn't true. He hadn't invited her.

“I'm sure you're not an intrusion to him. Have you met his kids yet?” She shook her head.

“Day after tomorrow will be the first time.”

Harry smiled at her. “Scared?”

She laughed nervously. “Hell, yes. Wouldn't you be? They're the most important thing in his life.”

“I hope you are too.”

“I think I am.”

And then Harry frowned. “He's not married, is he, Tan?”

“I told you before, he's in the process of getting a divorce.”

“Then why didn't he spend Christmas with you?”

“How the hell do I know?” She was annoyed at the persistent questions and she was beginning to wonder where Averil was.

“Didn't you ask?”

“No. I was perfectly comfortable like this,” she glowered at him, “until now.”

“That's the trouble with you, Tan, you're so used to being alone that it doesn't even occur to you to do things differently. You should be spending Christmas with him. Unless…”

“Unless what?” She was angry at him now. It was none of his business whether or not she spent Christmas with Drew, and she respected his need to be alone with his kids.

But Harry wasn't content to leave it alone. “Unless he's spending Christmas with his wife.”

“Oh, for chrissake … what an asinine thing to say. You are the most cynical, suspicious son of a bitch I know … and I thought I was bad.…” She looked furious, but there was something else lurking in her eyes, as though he had hit a nerve. But that was ridiculous.

“Maybe you're not bad enough.”

She stood up and didn't answer him. She looked for her bag, and when Averil finally came back, she found them both tense, but she didn't think anything of it. They were like that sometimes. She was used to them by now, they had their own special relationship and sometimes they fought like cats and dogs but they didn't mean any harm.

“What have you two been up to out here? Beating each other up again?” she smiled.

“I'm considering it.” Tana glared irritatedly at her.

“It might do him good.” All three of them laughed then.

“Harry's been making an ass of himself, as usual.”

He suddenly grinned at her. “You make it sound as though I've been exposing myself.”

Averil laughed. “Did you do that again, sweetheart?” And then finally Tana warmed up again.

“You know, you're the biggest pain in the neck in the world. World cup goes to you.”

He bowed politely from his chair, and Tana went to get her coat. “You don't have to leave, Tan.” He was always sorry to see her go, even when they disagreed. They still had a special bond between them. It was almost like being twins.

“I should go home and get organized. I brought home a ton of work.”

“To do on Christmas Day?” He looked horrified, and she smiled.

“I have to do it sometime.”

“Why don't you come here instead?” They were having friends over, his partner and another dozen or so, but she shook her head. She didn't mind being home alone, or at least so she said.

“You're weird, Tan.” But he kissed her cheek and his eyes were filled with the love he felt for her.

“Have a good time in L.A.” He wheeled beside her to the door and looked at her pensively. “And Tan … take care of yourself … Maybe I was wrong … but it doesn't hurt to be careful about things.…”

“I know.” Her voice was soft again, and she kissed them both as she left. But driving home in the car, she found herself thinking about what he had said. She knew he couldn't be right. Drew was not spending Christmas with his wife … but nonetheless she should have been spending it with him. She had tried to tell herself that it didn't matter, but it did. And suddenly it reminded her of all the lonely years she had felt so sorry for Jean … waiting for Arthur, sitting by the phone, hoping he would call … they were never able to spend major holidays together when Marie was alive, and even afterwards there was always an excuse … his in-laws, his children, his club, his friends … and there was poor Jean, with tears in her eyes, holding her breath … waiting for him.… Tana fought back the thoughts. It was not like that with Drew. It was not. She wouldn't let it be. But the next afternoon, as she worked, the questions kept coming to her. Drew called her once, but it had been a very brief call, and he sounded rushed. “I have to go back to the girls,” he had said hastily and then hung up on her.

And when she landed in Los Angeles the next day, he was waiting for her at the airport, and he swept her into his arms, and held her so tight she could barely breathe.

“My God … wait … ! stop … !” But he crushed her to him, and they were laughing and kissing all the way to the parking lot as he juggled her bags and packages, and she was ecstatic to see him. It had been a lonely holiday without him after all. And she had secretly wanted it to be different and exciting this year. She hadn't even admitted that to herself, but suddenly she knew it was true. And it was, it was wonderful driving into town with him. He had left the girls at the house with a babysitter he knew, just so he could pick her up alone, and spend a few quiet minutes with her.

“… before they drive us both nuts.” He looked at her and beamed.

“How are the girls?”

“Wonderful. I swear they've doubled in size in the last four weeks. Wait till you meet them, Tan.” And she was enchanted with them when she did. Elizabeth was lovely and grown up and looked strikingly like Drew, and Julie was a cuddly little ball who almost instantly climbed onto Tana's lap. They loved the presents she had brought, and they seemed to have no resistance to her, although Tana saw Elizabeth looking her over more than once. But Drew handled it remarkably well. He cut out all the necking and the cuddly stuff. It was as though they were just friends, spending a cozy afternoon. It was obvious that he knew Tana well, but it would have been impossible to guess the relationship they shared from the way he behaved to her. And Tana wondered if he always acted that way around the girls.

“What do you do?” Elizabeth was looking her over again, and Julie was watching them both, as Tana smiled, shaking back her mane of pale blond hair. Elizabeth had envied her that since they first met.

“I'm an attorney like your dad. In fact, that's how we met.”

“So's my mom,” Elizabeth was quick to add. “She's assistant to the ambassador of the OAS in Washington, and they might give her her own ambassadorship next year.”

“Ambassadorial post.” Drew corrected her and glanced at the three “girls.”

“I don't want her to do that.” Julie pouted. “I want her to come back here to live. With Daddy.” She stuck her lower lip out defiantly, and Elizabeth was quick to add, “He could come with us wherever Mom's sent. It depends on where it is.” Tana felt an odd feeling in her gut, and she looked at him, but he was doing something else, and Elizabeth went on. “Mom may even want to come back here herself, if they don't offer her the right job. That's what she said, anyway.”

“That's very interesting.” Tana noticed that her mouth felt dry, and she wished that Drew would regain control of the conversation again, but he didn't say anything. “Do you like living in Washington?”

“Very much.” Elizabeth was painfully polite and Julie hopped into Tana's lap again, and smiled up into Tana's eyes.

“You're pretty. Almost as pretty as our mom.”

“Thank you!” It was definitely not easy talking to them, and other than with Harry's children, it was rare for Tana to be in a spot like this, but she had to make the effort for Drew. “What'll we do this afternoon?” Tana felt almost breathless as she asked, desperate to divert them from the topic of his almost ex-wife.

“Mommy's going shopping on Rodeo Drive.” Julie smiled up at her, and Tana almost gasped.

“Oh?” Her eyes turned towards Drew in astonishment and then back to them. “That's nice. Let's see, how about a movie? Have you seen Sounder?” She felt as though she were running up a mountain as fast as she could and she wasn't getting anywhere … Rodeo Drive … that meant she had come to Los Angeles with the girls … and why hadn't he wanted Tana to come down yesterday? Had he spent Christmas with her after all? The next hour seemed to trickle by as Tana chatted with the girls, and finally they ran outside to play, and Tana finally turned to him. Her eyes spoke volumes before her mouth said a word. “I take it your wife is in Los Angeles.” She looked rigid and inside something had gone numb.

“Don't look at me like that.” His voice was soft while his eyes avoided her.

“Why not?” She stood up and walked towards him. “Did you spend the holiday with her, Drew?” He couldn't avoid her now, she was standing directly in front of him. And she already assumed he had. And when he lifted his eyes to face her, she knew instantly that she was right and the girls had given him away. “Why did you lie to me?”

“I didn't lie to you. I didn't think … oh, for chrissake…” He looked at her almost viciously. She had cornered him. “I didn't plan it that way, but the girls have never had a Christmas with us separated before, Tan … it's just too damn hard on them…”

“Is it, now?” Her eyes and voice were hard, concealing the pain she felt inside … the pain he had inflicted on her by lying to her … “And just exactly when do you plan to let them get used to it?”

“Goddammit, do you think I like seeing my children hurt by this?”

“They look fine to me.”

“Of course they do. That's because Eileen and I are civilized. That's the least we can give them now. It's not their fault things didn't work out for us.” He looked at Tana sorrowfully and she had to fight the urge to sit down and cry, not for him or the girls, but for herself.

“Are you sure it's not too late to salvage it with Eileen?”

“Don't be ridiculous.”

“Where did she sleep?” He looked as though he had received an electric shock.

“That's an inappropriate thing to ask, and you know it damn well.”

“Oh, my God…” She sat down again, unable to believe how transparent he was. “You slept with her.”

“I did not sleep with her.”

“You did, didn't you?” She was shouting now and he strode around the room like a nervous cat as he turned to face her again.

“I slept on the couch.”

“You're lying to me. Aren't you?”

“Goddammit, Tana! Don't accuse me of that! It isn't as easy as you think. We've been married for almost twenty years, Goddammit.… I can't just walk out on everything from one day to the next, and not when the girls are involved,” he looked at her mournfully and then walked slowly to where she sat. “Please…” There were tears in his eyes. “I love you, Tan … I just need a little time to work this out.…” She turned away from him and walked across the room, keeping her back to him.

“I've heard that before.” She wheeled to face him then, and there were tears in her eyes too. “My mother spent seventeen years listening to bullshit like that, Drew.”

“I'm not giving you bullshit, Tan. I just need time. This is very difficult for all of us.”

“Fine.” She picked up her bag and coat from a chair. “Then call me when you've recovered from it. I think I'd enjoy you more then.” But before she reached the door, he grabbed her arm.

“Don't do this to me. Please…”

“Why not? Eileen is in town. Just give her a call. She'll keep you company tonight.” Tana smiled at him sardonically to hide the hurt. “You can sleep on the couch … together, if you like.” She yanked open the door and he looked as though he were going to cry.

“I love you, Tan.” But as she heard the words, she wanted to sit down and cry. And suddenly she turned to him and her energy seemed to drain as she looked at him.

“Don't do this to me, Drew. It's not fair. You're not free … you have no right to…” But she had opened the door to her heart just wide enough for him to slip into it again. Wordlessly, he pulled her into his arms, and kissed her hard, and she felt everything inside her melt. And when he pulled away from her, she looked at him. “That doesn't solve anything.”

“No.” He sounded calmer now. “But time will. Just give me a chance. I swear to you, you won't regret it.” And then he said the words that frightened her most. “I want to marry you one day, Tan.” She wanted to tell him to stop, to move the film back to before he had said those words, but it didn't matter anyway, the girls came running in, laughing and shouting and ready to play with him and he looked over their heads at her and whispered two words to her, “please stay.” She hesitated. She knew she should go back, and she wanted to. She didn't belong here with them. He had just spent the night with the woman he was married to, and they had had Christmas with their two girls. Where did Tana belong in all this? And yet when she looked at him, she didn't want to leave. She wanted to be part of it, to be his, to belong to him and the girls, even if he never married her. She didn't really want that anyway. She just wanted to be with him, the way they had been since they first met, and slowly she put down her bag and coat and looked at him, and he smiled at her, and her insides turned to mush, and Julie hugged her around the waist while Elizabeth grinned at her.

“Where were you going, Tan?” Elizabeth was curious, she seemed fascinated by everything that Tana did and said.

“Nowhere.” She smiled at the pretty adolescent child. “Now, what would you girls like to do?” The two girls laughed and teased and Drew chased them around the room. She had never seen him as happy as this, and later that afternoon they went to the movies, and ate buckets of popcorn, then he took them to the La Brea Tar Pits, and to Perino's for dinner that night, and when they finally came home all four of them were ready to fall into bed. Julie fell asleep in Drew's arms, and Elizabeth made it into bed before falling asleep, too, and Tana and Drew sat in front of a fire in the living room, whispering, as he gently touched the golden hair he loved.

“I'm glad you stayed, sweetheart … I didn't want you to go.…”

“I'm glad I stayed too.” She smiled at him, feeling vulnerable and young, which didn't make sense for a woman her age, at least not to her. She imagined that she should be more mature than that by now, less sensitive. But she was more sensitive to him than she had ever been to any man. “Promise it won't happen again.…” Her voice drifted off and he looked at her with a tender smile.

“Baby, I promise you.”

The spring Tana and Drew shared was so idyllic it was almost like a fairy tale. Drew flew up roughly three times a week, she went to L.A. every weekend. They went to parties, sailed on the Bay, met each other's friends. She even introduced him to Harry and Ave, and the two men had gotten along splendidly. And Harry gave her the okay when he took her out to celebrate the following week.

“You know, kid, I think you finally did good for yourself.” She made a face and he laughed. “I mean it. I mean, look at the guys you used to drag around. Remember Yael McBee?”

“Harry!” She threw her napkin at him in the restaurant and they both laughed. “How can you compare Drew to him? Besides, I was twenty-five years old. I'm almost thirty-one now.”

“That's no excuse. You're no smarter than you used to be.”

“The hell I'm not. You just said yourself…”

“Never mind what I said, you jerk. Now, are you going to give me some peace of mind and marry the guy?”

“No.” She laughed, and she said it too fast, and Harry, looking at her, saw something he had never seen before. He had been looking for it for years, and suddenly there it was. He saw it as clearly as he saw the big green eyes, a kind of vulnerable, sheepish look she had never worn before for anyone.

“Holy shit, it's serious, isn't it, Tan? You're going to marry him, aren't you?”

“He hasn't asked.” She sounded so demure that he roared.

“My God, you will! Wait till I tell Ave!”

“Harry, calm down.” She patted his arm. “He isn't even divorced yet.” But it didn't worry her. She knew how hard he was working on it. He told her every week about his meetings with his lawyer, his conversations with Eileen to speed things up, and he was going East to see the girls for Easter week, and hopefully she'd sign the settlement papers then, if they were drawn up in time.

“He's working on it, isn't he?” Harry looked momentarily concerned, but he had to admit, he liked the guy. It was almost impossible not to like Drew Lands. He was easygoing, intelligent, and it was easy to see he was crazy about Tan.

“Of course he is.”

“Then relax, you'll be married six months from now, and nine months after that, you'll have a baby in your arms. Count on it.” He looked thrilled and Tana sat back and laughed at him.

“Boy, do you have a wild imagination, Winslow. In the first place, he hasn't asked me to marry him yet, at least not seriously. And in the second place, he's had a vasectomy.”

“So he'll have it reversed. Big deal. I know plenty of guys who've done that.” But it made him a little nervous thinking about it.

“Is that all you think about? Getting people pregnant?”

“No,” he smiled innocently, “just my wife.”

She laughed and they finished the meal, and they both went back to their offices. She had an enormous case coming up, probably the biggest of her career. There were three murder defendants involved in the most gruesome series of murders committed in the state in recent years, and there were three defense attorneys and two prosecutors and she was in charge of the case for the D.A. There was going to be a lot of press involved and she had to really know her stuff, which was why she wasn't going East with Drew when he went to see the girls over the Easter holiday. It was probably just as well she didn't anyway. Drew would be a nervous wreck getting the papers signed, and she had the case on her mind. It made more sense to stay home and do her work than to sit around in hotel rooms waiting for him.

He came up to San Francisco to spend the weekend with her before he left, and they lay on the rug in front of the fire for hours on his last night, talking, thinking aloud, saying almost anything that came to mind, and she realized again how deeply she was falling in love with him.

“Would you ever consider marriage, Tan?” He looked pensively at her and she smiled in the firelight. She looked exquisite in the soft glow, her delicate features seeming to be carved in a pale peach marble, her eyes dancing like emeralds.

“I never have before.” She touched his lips with her fingertips and he kissed her hands and then her mouth.

“Do you think you could be happy with me, Tan?”

“Is that a proposal, sir?” He seemed to be beating around the bush and she smiled at him. “You don't have to marry me, you know, I'm happy like this.”

“You are, aren't you?” He looked at her strangely and she nodded her head.

“Aren't you?”

“Not entirely.” His hair looked even more silvery, his eyes a bright topaz blue, and she never again wanted to love any man but him. “I want more than this, Tan … I want you all the time.…”

“So do I.…” She whispered the words to him, and he took her in his arms and made love to her ever so gently in front of the fire, and afterwards he lay for a long, long time and looked at her, and then finally he spoke, his mouth nestled in her hair, his hands still stroking the body he loved so much.

“Will you marry me when I'm free?”

“Yes.” She said the word almost breathlessly. She had never said it to anyone, but she meant it now, and suddenly she understood what people felt when they promised … for better or worse … until death do us part. She never wanted to be without him again, and when she took him to the airport the next day, she was still a little overwhelmed by what she felt, and she looked at him searchingly. “Did you mean what you said last night, Drew?”

“How can you ask me something like that?” He looked horrified, and instantly crushed her against his chest as they stood in the terminal. “Of course I did.”

She grinned at him, looking more like his thirteen-year-old child than the Assistant D.A. “I guess that means we're engaged then, huh?” And suddenly he laughed, and he felt as happy as a boy as he looked at her.

“It sure does. I'll have to see what kind of ring I can find in Washington.”

“Never mind that. Just come back safe and sound.” It was going to be an endless ten days of waiting for him. And the only thing that would help was her enormous case.

He called her two and three times a day for the first few days, and told her everything he did from morning till night, but when things began to get rough with Eileen, he called once a day and she could hear how uptight he was, but they had started jury selection by then, and she was totally engrossed in that, and by the time he got back to Los Angeles, she realized that they hadn't spoken to each other in more than two days. He had stayed longer than he had expected to, but it was for a “worthy cause,” he said, and she agreed with him, and she could barely think straight anymore by then. She was too worried about the jury that was being picked, and the tack the defense was going to take, the evidence that had just turned up, the judge to whom they had been assigned. She had plenty on her mind, and one of Drew's rare litigation situations had occurred. Almost everything he did settled before it went to court, and this was a rare exception for him, and it kept him away from her for almost another week, and when they both finally met, they almost felt like strangers again. He teased her about it, asked if she had fallen in love with anyone else, and made passionate love to her all night long.

“I want you to be so bleary eyed all day in court that everyone wonders what the hell went on last night.” And he got his wish. She was half asleep and she couldn't get him out of her mind she was so hungry for him. She never seemed to get enough of him anymore, and all through the trial, she was lonely for him, but it was too important to screw up and she kept her nose to the grindstone constantly. It went on till late May, and finally, in the first week in June, the verdict came in. It went just the way she had wanted it to, and the press gave her high praise as usual. Over the years, she had earned a reputation for being rigid, tough, conservative, merciless in court, and brilliant at the cases she tried. They were nice reviews to have, and it often made Harry smile when he read about her.

“I'd never recognize the liberal I knew and loved in this, Tan.” He grinned broadly at her.

“We all have to grow up sometime, don't we? I'm thirty-one this year.”

“That's no excuse to be as tough as you are.”

“I'm not tough, Harry, I'm good.” And she was right, but he knew it too. “Those people killed nine women and a child. You can't let people get away with something like that. Our whole society will fall apart. Someone has to do what I do.”

“I'm glad it's you and not me, Tan.” He patted her hand. “I'd lie awake at night, worrying that they'd get me eventually.” He hated even saying it, and he worried about it sometimes for her, but it didn't seem to bother her at all. “By the way, how's Drew?”

“Fine. He's going to New York on business next week, and he's bringing the girls back with him.”

“When are you getting married?”

“Relax.” She smiled. “We haven't even talked about it since I started this case. In fact, I've hardly talked to him.” And when she told him about her success before it hit the press, he sounded strange.

“That's nice.”

“Well, don't get too excited. It might be bad for your heart.”

He laughed at her. “All right, all right, I'm sorry. I had something else on my mind.”

“What?”

“Nothing important.” But he was that way until he left, and he sounded worse from the East, and when he got back to Los Angeles, he didn't call her at all. She almost wondered if something was wrong, or if she should fly down to surprise him and get everything on the right track again. All they needed was a little time alone to sort things out, they'd both been working too hard, and she knew all the signs. She looked at her watch late one night, trying to decide if she should catch the last plane down, and decided to call him instead. She could always go down the next day, and they had a lot of catching up to do after her two months of grueling work. She dialed the phone number she knew by heart, heard it ring three times, and smiled when it was picked up, but not for long. A woman's voice answered it.

“Hello?” Tana felt her heart stop, and she sat there endlessly staring into the night, and then hurriedly she put down the phone.

Her heart was pounding hideously, she felt dizzy, awkward, disoriented, strange. She couldn't believe what she had heard. She had to have dialed the wrong number, she told herself, but before she could compose herself to try again, the phone rang, and she heard Drew's voice, and suddenly she knew. He must have known she'd called and now he was panicking. She felt as though her whole life had just come to an end.

“Who was that?” She sounded half hysterical, and he sounded nervous too.

“What?”

“The woman who answered your phone.” She fought for composure but her voice was totally out of control.

“I don't know what you mean.”

“Drew! … answer me … ! Please…” She was half crying, half shouting at him.

“We have to talk.”

“Oh, my God … goddammit, what have you done to me?”

“Don't be so melodramatic for chrissake…” She cut him off with a shriek.

“Melodramatic? I call you at eleven o'clock at night and a woman answers your phone, and you tell me I'm being melodramatic? How would you like to have a man answer you when you call me here?”

“Stop it, Tan. It was Eileen.”

“Obviously.” Instinctively, she had known.

“And where are the girls?” She didn't even know why she had asked.

“In Malibu.”

“In Malibu? You mean you're alone with her?”

“We had to talk.” His voice sounded dead suddenly.

“Alone? At this hour? What the hell does that mean? Did she sign?”

“Yes, no … look, I have to talk to you.…”

“Oh, now you have to talk to me…” She was being cruel to him and now they were both beginning to sound hysterical. “What the fuck is going on down there?” There was an endless silence which he couldn't fill. Tana hung up and cried all night, and he arrived in San Francisco the next day. It was Saturday and he found her at home, as he knew he would. He used his key and let himself in, and he found her sitting mournfully on her deck looking out over the Bay. She didn't even turn when she heard him come in, but spoke to him with her back turned. “Why did you bother to come up?”

He knelt beside her and touched her neck with his fingertips. “Because I love you, Tan.”

“No, you don't.” She shook her head. “You love her. You always did.”

“That's not true.…” But they both knew it was, in fact, all three of them did. “The truth is that I love both of you. That's an awful thing to say, but it's the truth. I don't know how to stop loving her, and at the same time I'm in love with you.”

“That's sick.” She continued to stare out at the Bay, passing judgment on him, and he tugged at her hair to make her look at him, and when she did, he saw tears on her face and it broke his heart.

“I can't help what I feel. And I don't know what to do about what's happening. Elizabeth almost flunked out of school, she's so upset about us, Eileen and me. Julie is having nightmares. Eileen quit her job at the OAS, she turned down the ambassadorial post they tried to tempt her with, and she came home, with the girls.…”

“They're living with you?” Tana looked as though he had just driven a stake into her heart, and he nodded. He didn't want to lie to her anymore. “When did all this happen?”

“We talked about it a lot in Washington on Easter week … but I didn't want to upset you when you were working so hard, Tan…” She wanted to kick him for what he'd said. How could he not tell her something like that? “And nothing was sure. She did it all without consulting me, and just showed up last week. And now what do you expect me to do? Throw them out?”

“Yes. You should never have let them in again.”

“She's my wife, and they're my kids.” He looked as though he were on the verge of tears but Tana stood up then.

“I guess that solves it then, doesn't it?” She walked slowly to the door and looked at him. “Goodbye, Drew.”

“I'm not leaving here like this. I'm in love with you.”

“Then get rid of your wife. It's as simple as that.”

“No it's not, goddammit!” He was shouting now. She refused to understand what he was going through. “You don't know what it's like … what I feel … the guilt … the agony…” He started to cry and she felt sick as she looked at him. She turned away and had to fight to speak above the tears in her own voice.

“Please go.…”

“I won't.” He pulled her into his arms, and she tried to push him away, but he wouldn't let her do that, and suddenly, without wanting to, she succumbed, and they made love again, crying, begging, shouting, railing at each other and the Fates, and when it was all over, they lay spent in each other' arms and she looked at him.

“What are we going to do?”

“I don't know. Just give me time.”

She sighed painfully. “I swore I'd never do something like this…” But she couldn't bear the thought of losing him, nor he the pain of giving her up. They cried and lay in each other's arms for the next two days, and when he flew back to Los Angeles, nothing was solved, except they both knew it wasn't over yet. She had agreed to give him more time, and he had promised her he'd work it out, and for the next six months they drove each other mad with promises and threats, ultimatums and hysteria. Tana called and hung up on Eileen a thousand times. Drew begged her not to do anything rash. The children were even aware of what terrible shape he was in. And Tana began avoiding everyone, especially Harry and Averil. She couldn't bear the questions she saw in his eyes, the sweetness of his wife, the children which only reminded her of Drew's. It was an intolerable situation for all of them, and Eileen was even aware of it, but she said that she wasn't moving out again. She would wait for him to work it out, she wasn't going anywhere, and Tana felt as though she were going mad. She spent her birthday and the Fourth of July and Labor Day and Thanksgiving alone, predictably.…

“What do you expect of me, Tana? You want me to just walk out on them?”

“Maybe I do. Maybe that's exactly what I expect of you. Why should I be the one who's always alone? It matters to me too.…”

“But I've got the kids.…”

“Go fuck yourself.” But she didn't say that for real, until she had spent Christmas alone. He had promised to come up, both then and on New Year's Eve, and she sat and waited for him all night and he never came. She sat in an evening dress until nine A.M. on New Year's Day, and then slowly, irrevocably, she took it off and threw it in the trash. She had bought the dress just for him. She had the locks changed the next day, and packed up all the things he'd left with her over the past year and a half and had them sent to him in an unmarked box. And after that she sent him a telegram which said it all. “Goodbye. Don't come back again.” And she lay drowning in her tears. For all the bravery, the final straw had almost broken her back, and he came flying up as soon as he began to get the messages, the telegram, the package, he was terrified that she might mean it this time, and when he tried his key in her lock, he knew she did. He drove frantically to her office and insisted on seeing her, and when he did her eyes were cold and the greenest he had ever seen.

“I have nothing left to say to you, Drew.” A part of her had died. He had killed it with the hopes that had never been fulfilled, the lies he'd told to both of them, and most of all himself. She wondered now how her mother had stood it for all those years without killing herself. It was the worst torture Tana had ever been through and she never wanted to go through it again, for anyone. And least of all for him.

“Tana, please.…”

“Goodbye.” She walked out of her office and down the hall, disappearing into a conference room, and she left the building shortly after that, but she didn't go home for hours. And when she did, he was still waiting there, outside, in the driving rain. She slowed her car, and she saw him and drove off again. She spent the night in a motel on Lombard Street, and the next morning when she went back, he was sleeping in his car. When instinctively he heard her step, he woke and leapt out to talk to her. “If you don't leave me alone, I'll call the police.” She sounded tough and threatening, looked furious to his eyes, but what he didn't see was how broken she felt inside, how long she sobbed once he was gone, how desperate she felt at the thought of never seeing him again. She actually thought of jumping off the Bridge, but something stopped her when she thought of it and she didn't even know what. And then, as though by miracle, Harry sensed something wrong when he called repeatedly and no one answered the phone. She thought it was Drew, and she lay on the living room floor and sobbed, thinking of the time when they had made love there and he had proposed to her. And then suddenly there was a pounding on the door and she heard Harry's voice. She looked like a derelict when she opened it, standing there in her tear-stained face and bare feet, her skirt covered with lint from the rug, her sweater all askew.

“My God, what happened to you?” She looked as though she'd been drinking for a week, or had been beaten up, or as though something terrible had happened to her. Only the last was true. “Tana?” She dissolved in tears as he looked at her, and he held her close to him as she hovered awkwardly over his chair, and then he sat her down on the couch and she told him her tale.

“It's all over now … I'll never see him again.…”

“You're better off.” Harry looked grim. “You can't live like this. You've looked like shit for the past six months. It's just not fair to you.”

“I know … but maybe if I'd waited … I think eventually…” She felt weak and hysterical, and suddenly she had lost her resolve and Harry shouted at her.

“No! Stop that! He's never going to leave his wife if he hasn't by now. She came back to him seven months ago, damn it, Tan, and she's still there. If he wanted out, he'd have found the door by now. Don't kid yourself.”

“I have been for a year and a half.”

“That's how things go sometimes.” He tried to sound philosophical, but he wanted to kill the son of a bitch who had done this to her. “You just have to pick yourself up and go on.”

“Oh yeah, sure…” She started to cry again, forgetting who she was talking to, “That's easy for you to say.”

He looked long and hard at her. “Do you remember when you dragged me back to life by the teeth, and then into law school the same way? Remember me? Well, don't give me that shit, Tan. If I made it, so can you. You'll live through it.”

“I've never loved anyone like I loved him.” She whimpered horribly and it broke his heart as she looked at him, with those huge green eyes. She didn't look more than twelve years old and he wanted to make everything all right for her, but he couldn't make Drew's wife disappear, although he would have liked to do that for her. Anything for Tan, his best and dearest friend.

“Someone else will come along. Better than him.”

“I don't want someone else. I don't want anyone.” And Harry feared that more than anything.

And in the next year she set out to prove just that. She refused to see anyone except her colleagues at work. She went nowhere, saw no one, and when Christmas came, she even refused to see Averil and Harry. She had turned thirty-two alone, had spent her nights alone, would have eaten Thanksgiving turkey alone, if she'd bothered to eat any at all, which she didn't. She worked overtime and double time and golden time and all the time, sitting at her desk until ten and eleven o'clock at night, taking on more cases than she ever had before, and for literally a year, she had no fun at all. She rarely laughed, called no one, had no dates with anyone, and took weeks to answer Harry's calls.

“Congratulations.” He finally reached her in February. She had mourned Drew Lands for more than a year, and she had inadvertently learned through mutual friends that he and Eileen were still together and had just bought a beautiful new home in Beverly Hills. “Okay, asshole.” Harry was tired of chasing her. “How come you don't return my calls anymore?”

“I've been busy for the last few weeks. Don't you read the papers? I'm waiting for a verdict to come in.”

“I don't give a fuck about that, in case you're interested, and that doesn't account for the last thirteen months. You never call me anymore. I always call you. Is it my breath, my feet, or my IQ?” She laughed. Harry never changed.

“All of the above.”

“Asshole. Are you going to go on feeling sorry for yourself for the rest of your life? The guy wasn't worth it, Tan. And a whole year is ridiculous.”

“It had nothing to do with that.” But they both knew that wasn't true. It had everything to do with Drew Lands, and his not leaving his wife.

“That's new too. You never used to lie to me.”

“All right, all right. It's been easier not to see anybody.”

“Why? You ought to celebrate! You could have done what your mother did and sat there for fifteen years. Instead, you were smart enough to get the hell out. So what did you lose, Tan? Your virginity? Eighteen months? So what? Other women lose ten years over married men … they lose their hearts, their sanity, their time, their lives. You got off lucky if you ask me.”

“Yeah.” Somewhere in her heart, she knew he was right, but it still didn't feel good yet. Maybe it never would. She still alternated between missing him and being angry at him. It wasn't the indifference she would have liked to feel, and she finally admitted that to Harry when she let him take her to lunch.

“That takes time, Tan. And a little water over the dam. You have to go out with some other people. Fill your head with other stuff, not just him. You can't just work all the time.” He smiled gently at her, he loved her so much, and he knew he always would. It wasn't like what he felt for his wife. She was more like a sister to him now. He remembered the tremendous crush he had had on her for years and he reminded her of that now. “And I survived.”

“That wasn't the same thing. Shit, Drew had proposed marriage to me. He was the only man I'd ever even wanted to marry. Do you know that?”

“Yes, I do.” He knew her better than anyone. “So, he's a jerk. We already know that. And you're a little slow. But you'll want to get married again. Someone else will come along.”

“That's all I need.” She looked revolted at the thought. “I'm too old. Teen romance is not my style anymore, thanks.”

“Fine, then find some old fart who thinks you're cute, but don't sit around like this and waste your life.”

“It isn't exactly wasted, Harry.” She looked somberly at him. “I have my work.”

“That's not enough. Christ, you're a pain.” He looked at her and shook his head, and invited her to a party they were giving the following week, but she never showed up in the end. And he had to go on a campaign to drag her out of her shell again. It was as though she had been raped again. And then, to make matters worse, she lost a major case and got depressed about that. “Okay, okay, so you're not infallible. Give yourself a break for chrissake. Get off the cross. I know it's Easter week, but one's enough. Can't you find something else to do except torment yourself? Why don't you come spend a weekend in Tahoe with us?” They had just rented a house, and Harry loved going up there with the kids. “We can't go up for much longer anyway.”

“Why not?” She glanced at him as he paid the check, and he smiled at her. She had given him a hard time for the past few months, but she was starting to come out of it.

“I can't take Averil up much longer. She's pregnant again, you know.” For a minute, Tana actually looked shocked and he laughed at her, and then blushed. “It's happened before, after all … I mean, it's not that remarkable.…” But they both knew it was. And suddenly Tana grinned at him. It was as if life had come back into focus again, and suddenly Drew Lands was gone and she wanted to shout and sing. It was like having had a toothache for over a year, and discovering miraculously that the tooth was gone.

“Well, I'll be damned. Don't you two ever stop?”

“Nope. And after this, we'll go for four. I want another girl this time, but Ave wants a boy.” Tana was beaming at him, and she gave him a big hug as they left the restaurant.

“I'm going to be an aunt again.”

“That's the easy way, if you ask me. Not fair, Tan.”

“It suits me just fine.” One thing she knew she didn't want was children, no matter what man wandered into her life. She didn't have time for that, and she was too old now anyway. She had made that decision long ago; her baby was the law. And she had Harry's children to spoil when she wanted someone little to sit on her lap. They were both adorable, and she was happy for them that a third one was coming along. Averil always had a pretty easy time, and Harry was always so proud of himself, and he could certainly afford as many as they chose to have. Only her mother disapproved when she talked to her.

“That seems awfully unreasonable to me.” She was always opposed to everything these days; babies, trips, new jobs, new homes. It was as though she wanted to play out the rest of her life cautiously and thought everyone else should too. It was a sign of age which Tana recognized but her mother seemed too young for that. She had aged rapidly since she and Arthur had gotten married. Nothing had turned out quite right for her, and when she had gotten what she had wanted for so long, it was not the same as it had once been. Arthur was sick and getting old.

But Tana was happy for Harry and Ave, and when the baby came on November twenty-fifth, Averil got her wish. It was a bouncing, squalling boy. They named him after his great grandfather, Andrew Harrison, and Tana smiled down at him in his mother's arms and felt tears come to her eyes. She hadn't had that reaction to the others before, but there was something so sweet and touching about the baby's innocence, his perfect pink flesh, the big round eyes, the tiny fingers so gently curled. Tana had never seen such perfection, and all of it so small. She and Harry looked at each other and exchanged a smile, thinking of how far they had come, and he looked so proud, one hand tightly holding his wife's, and the other gently touching his son.

Averil went home the day after Andrew was born, and made the Thanksgiving dinner herself, as she always did, practically refusing any help at all, as Tana stared at her, amazed at all she did, and did so well.

“It kind of makes you feel dumb, doesn't it?” She was nursing in the window seat looking out at the Bay, and Tana looked at her as Harry grinned.

“You could do it too, Tan, if you wanted to.”

“Don't count on it. I can barely boil myself an egg, let alone give birth, and cook a turkey two days later for my family, making it seem as though I had nothing to do all week. You'd better hang on to her, Harry, and don't get her knocked up again.” She grinned at him, and she knew that they had never been happier. Averil just radiated happiness and so did he.

“I'll do my best. Will you come to the christening, by the way? Ave wants to do it on Christmas Day, if you're going to be here.”

“Where else would I be?” She laughed at him.

“What do I know? You might go home to New York. I was thinking of taking the kids to Gstaad to see Dad, but now he says he's going to Tangiers with some friends, so that blows that.”

“You're breaking my heart.” She laughed at him. She hadn't seen Harrison in years, but Harry said he was all right. He seemed the kind of man who would be handsome and healthy for all his life. It was a little startling to realize that he was in his early sixties now, sixty-three, to be exact, Harry reminded her, though he didn't look more than half of it, Harry had told her. It was odd to remember how much Harry had once hated him, but he didn't anymore. It was Tana who had changed all that, and Harry never forgot any of it. He wanted her to be godmother again, and she was touched by it.

“Don't you have any other friends? Your kids are going to be sick to death of me by the time they grow up.”

“Too bad for them. Jack Hawthorne is Andrew's godfather. At least you two will finally meet. He thinks you've been avoiding him.” In all the years of Harry's partnership with him, the two had never met. But Tana had no reason to meet him, although she was curious to now. And when they met at St. Mary the Virgin Church on Union Street on Christmas Day, he was almost as she had expected him to be. Tall, blond, handsome, he looked like an ail-American football player in a college game, and yet he looked intelligent as well. He was tall and broad and had enormous hands, and he held the baby with a gentleness that startled her. He was talking to Harry outside afterwards and she smiled at him.

“You do that awfully well, Jack.”

“Thanks. I'm a little rusty, but I can still manage in a pinch.”

“Do you have children?” It was casual conversation outside the church. The only other thing they could have talked about was law, or their mutual friend, but it was easier and more pleasant to talk about the new godchild that they shared.

“I have one. She's ten.”

“That seems incredible.” Ten seemed so old somehow … of course Elizabeth had been thirteen, but Drew had been a lot older than this man. Or at least he looked that way. Tana knew Jack was in his late thirties, but he had a boyish air. And at the party at Averil and Harry's house later that day, he told funny stories and jokes, and had everyone laughing, including Tana, for most of the day. She smiled at Harry when she found him in the kitchen pouring someone another drink. “No wonder you like him so much. He's a nice guy.”

“Jack?” Harry didn't look surprised. Other than Tana and Averil, Jack Hawthorne was his best friend, and they had worked well together for the past few years. They had established a comfortable practice, and they worked in the same way, not with Tana's burning drive, but with something a little more reasonable. And the two men were well matched. “He's smart as hell, but he's very relaxed about it.”

“I noticed that.” At first he seemed very casual, almost indifferent to what was going on, but Tana had noticed rapidly that he was a lot sharper than he looked.

Eventually, at the end of the day, he offered her a ride home, and she accepted gratefully. She had left her own car outside the church in town. “Well, I finally meet the famous Assistant D.A. They certainly like to write about you, don't they?” She was embarrassed by what he said but he seemed unconcerned.

“Only when they have nothing else to do.”

He smiled at her. He liked her modesty. He also liked the long, shapely legs peeking out beneath the black velvet skirt she wore. It was a suit she had bought at I. Magnin just for her godchild's christening day. “Harry is very proud of you, you know. I feel as though I know you myself. He talks about you all the time.”

“I'm just as bad. I don't have kids, so everyone has to listen to stories about Harry and when we went to school.”

“You two must have been hell on wheels back then.” He grinned at her and she laughed.

“More or less. We had a hell of a good time, most of the time, anyway. And some nasty run-ins now and then.” She smiled at the memories and then smiled at Jack. “I must be getting old, all this nostalgia.…”

“It's that time of year.”

“It is, isn't it? Christmas always does that to me.”

“Me too.” She wondered where his daughter was, if that was part of the nostalgia for him. “You're from New York, aren't you?” She nodded her head. That seemed light-years away too.

“And you?”

“I'm from the Midwest. Detroit, to be exact. A lovely place.” He smiled and they both laughed again. He was easy to be with, and it seemed harmless to her when he offered to take her out for drinks. But everything seemed so empty when they looked around and it was depressing to go to a bar on Christmas night, she wound up inviting him back to her place instead, and he was perfectly agreeable to her. So much so he was almost innocuous, and she didn't even recognize him at first when she ran into him at City Hall the next week. He was one of those tall, blond, handsome men who could have been almost anyone, from a college pal, to someone's husband or brother or boyfriend and then suddenly she realized who he was and blushed with embarrassment.

“I'm sorry, Jack … I was distracted.…”

“You have a right to be.” He smiled at her, and she was amused at how impressed he was by her job. Harry must have been lying to him again. She knew he exaggerated a lot about her, about the rapists she fought off in holding cells, the judo holds she knew, the cases she cracked herself without investigator' help. None of it true, of course. But Harry loved to tell tales, and especially war stories about her.

“… Why do you lie like that?” She had challenged Harry more than once but he felt no remorse.

“Some of it's true anyway.”

“The hell it is. I ran into one of your friends last week who thought I had been knifed by a coke dealer in the holding cell. For chrissake, Harry, knock it off.”

She thought of it now and assumed he had been at it again as she smiled at Jack. “Actually, things are pretty quiet right now. How ‘about you?”

“Not bad. We have a few good cases. Harry and Ave went up to Tahoe for a few weeks, so I'm holding the fort on my own.”

“He's such a hardworking type.” They both laughed and he looked at her hesitantly. He had been dying to call her for a week and he hadn't dared.

“You wouldn't have time for lunch, would you?” Oddly enough, for once she did. He was ecstatic when she said yes, and they went to the Bijou, a small French restaurant on Polk, which was more pretentious than good, but it was pleasant chatting with Harry's friend for an hour or so. She had heard about him for so many years, and between her heavy caseload and her turmoil over Drew Lands they'd never met.

“It's ridiculous, you know. Harry should have gotten us together years ago.”

Jack smiled. “I think he tried.” He didn't say anything that indicated he knew about Drew, but Tana could talk about it now.

“I was being difficult for a while.” She smiled.

“And now?” He looked at her with the same gentle look he had used on their godchild.

“I'm back to my old rotten self again.”

“That's good.”

“Actually, Harry saved my life this time.”

“I know he was worried about you for a while.”

She sighed. “I made an ass of myself … I guess we all have to sometime.”

“I sure did.” He smiled at her. “I got my kid sister's best friend pregnant in Detroit ten years ago when I went home over the holidays. I don't know what happened to me, except I must have gone nuts or something. She was this pretty little redhead … twenty-one years old … and bang, the next thing I knew I was getting married. She hated it out here, she cried all the time. Poor little Barb had colic for the first six months of her life, and a year later, Kate went back again and it was all over. I now have an ex-wife and a daughter in Detroit, and I don't know anything more about them than I did then. It was the craziest thing I ever did, and I'm not about to do it again!” He looked extremely determined as he said the words, and it was easy to see that he meant every bit of it. “I've never drunk straight rum either since then.” He grinned ruefully and Tana laughed.

“At least you have something to show for it.” It was more than she could say, not that she would have wanted Drew's child, even if he hadn't had the vasectomy. “Do you see your daughter sometimes?”

“She comes out once a year for a month,” he sighed with a careful smile. “It's a little difficult to build a relationship based on that!” He had always thought it was unfair to her, but what else could he do? He couldn't ignore her now. “We're really strangers to each other. I'm the oddball who sends her birthday cards every year and takes her to baseball games when she's here. I don't know what else to do with her. Ave was pretty good about keeping an eye on her in the daytime last year. And they lent me the house in Tahoe for a week. She loved that,” he smiled at Tana, “and so did I. It's awkward making friends with a ten-year-old child.”

“I'll bet it is. The relationship … the man I was involved with had two of them, and it was odd for me. I don't have children of my own, and it wasn't like Harry's kids, suddenly here were these two big people staring at me. It felt awfully strange.”

“Did you get attached to them?” He seemed intrigued by her and she was surprised at how easy it was to talk to him.

“Not really. There wasn't time. They lived in the East,” she remembered the rest of it, “for a while.”

He nodded, smiling at her. “You've certainly managed to keep your life simpler than the rest of us.” He laughed softly then. “I guess you don't drink rum.”

She laughed too. “Usually not, but I've managed to do a fair amount of damage to myself in other ways. I just don't have any children to show for it.”

“Are you sorry about that?”

“Nope.” It had taken thirty-three and a half years to say it honestly. “There are some things in this life that aren't for me, and children are one of them. Godmother is more my style.”

“I probably should have stuck to that myself, for Barb's sake, if no one else's. At least her mother is remarried now, so she has a real father figure to relate to for the eleven months I'm not around.”

“Doesn't that bother you?” She wondered if he felt possessive about the child. Drew had been very much so about his, especially Elizabeth.

But Jack shook his head. “I hardly know the kid. That's an awful thing to say, but it's true. Every year I get to know her again, and she leaves and when she comes back she's grown up by a year and changed all over again. It's kind of a fruitless venture, but maybe it does something for her. I don't know. I owe her that much. And I suspect that in a few years she'll tell me to go to hell, she has a boyfriend in Detroit and she's not coming out this year.”

“Maybe she'll bring him.” They both laughed.

“God help me. That's all I need. I feel the way you do, there are some things in this life I never want inflicted on me … malaria … typhoid … marriage … kids.…” She laughed at his honesty, it was certainly not a popular view or one that one could admit to most of the time, but he felt he could with her, and she with him.

“I agree with you. I really think it's impossible to do what you do well and give enough to relationships like that.”

“That sounds noble, my friend, but we both know that that has nothing to do with it. Honestly? I'm scared stiff, all I need is another Kate out from Detroit and crying all night because she has no friends out here … or some totally dependent woman with nothing to do all day except nag me at night, or decide after two years of marriage that half of the business Harry and I built is hers. He and I see too much of that as it is, and I just don't want any part of it.” He smiled at her. “And what are you scared of, my dear? Chilblains, childbirth? Giving up your career? Competition from a man?” He was surprisingly astute and she smiled appreciatively at him.

“Touche. All of the above. Maybe I'm afraid of jeopardizing what I've built, of getting hurt … I don't know. I think I had doubts about marriage years ago, although I didn't know it then. It's all my mother ever wanted for me, and I always wanted to say'ut wait … not yet … I've got all these other things to do first.’ It's like volunteering to have your head cut off, there's never really a good time.” He laughed, and she remembered Drew proposing to her in front of the fire one night, and then she forced it from her with a flash of pain. Most of the time the memories of him didn't hurt much now, but a few still did. And that one most of all, maybe because she felt he had made a fool of her. She had been willing to make an exception for him, she had accepted the proposal and then he had gone back to Eileen.… Jack was watching her as she frowned.

“No one is worth looking that sad for, Tana.”

She smiled at him. “Old, old memories.”

“Forget them, then. They won't hurt you anymore.”

There was something wonderfully easy and wise about the man, and she began going out with him almost without thinking about it. A movie, an early dinner, a walk on Union Street, a football game. He came and went, and became her friend, and it wasn't even remarkable when they finally went to bed with each other late that spring. They had known each other for five months by then, and it wasn't earth shattering, but it was comfortable. He was easy to be around, intelligent, and he had a wonderful understanding of what she did, a powerful respect for her job, they even shared a common best friend, and by summertime when his daughter came out, even that was comfortable. She was a sweet eleven-year-old child with big eyes and hands and feet and bright red hair, like an Irish setter puppy. They took her to Stinson Beach a few times, went on picnics with her. Tana didn't have much time—she was trying a big case just then— but it was all very pleasant, and they went up to Harry's place where Harry eyed them carefully, curious as to whether it was serious with them. But Averil didn't think it was and she was usually right. There was no fire, no passion, no intensity, but also no pain. It was comfortable, intelligent, amusing at times, and extremely satisfying in bed. And at the end of a year of going out with him, Tana could well imagine herself going out with Jack for the rest of her life. It was one of those relationships one saw between two people who had never married, and never wanted to, much to the chagrin of all their friends who had been in and out of divorce courts for years, one saw people like that eating in restaurants on Saturday nights, going on holidays, attending Christmas parties and gala events, and enjoying each other's company, and sooner or later they'd wind up in bed, and the next day the other one would go home to his or her own place, to find the towels exactly the way they wanted them, the bed undisturbed, the coffee pot in perfect readiness for their needs. It was so perfect for both of them that way, but they drove Harry nuts and that amused them too.

“I mean, look at you both, you're so goddamn complacent I could cry.” The three of them were having lunch, and neither Tana nor Jack looked concerned.

She looked up at Jack with a smile. “Hand him a handkerchief, sweetheart.”

“Nah, let him use his sleeve. He always does.”

“Don't you have any decency? What's wrong with you?”

They exchanged a bovine glance. “Just decadent, I guess.”

“Don't you want kids?”

“Haven't you ever heard of birth control?” Jack looked at him and Harry looked as though he wanted to scream as Tana laughed.

“Give it up, kid. You aren't gonna win this one with us. We're happy like this.”

“You've been dating for a year. What the hell does that mean to you both?”

“That we have a lot of stamina. I now know that he gets homicidal if anyone touches the sports section on Sundays and he hates classical music.”

“And that's it? How can you be so insensitive?”

“It comes naturally.” She smiled sweetly at her friend and Jack grinned at her.

“Face it, Harry, you're outnumbered, outclassed, outdone.” But when Tana turned thirty-five six months later, they surprised Harry after all.

“You're getting married?” Harry barely dared to breathe the words to Jack when he told him they were looking for a house, but Jack laughed at him.

“Hell no, you don't know your friend Tan if you think there's even a chance of that. We're thinking about living together.”

Harry spun his wheelchair around, glaring at Jack. “That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. I won't let you do that to her.”

Jack roared. “It was her idea, and besides—you and Ave did it.” His daughter had just gone home, and it had gotten very complicated going back and forth from his house to hers for a month. “Her place is too small for both of us, and so is mine. And I'd really like to live in Marin. Tana says she would too.”

Harry looked miserable. He wanted a happy ending, rice, rose petals, babies, and neither of them was cooperating with him. “Do you realize how complicated it is to invest in real estate if you're not married?”

“Of course I do, and so does she. That's why we'll probably rent.” And it was exactly what they did. They found the house they wanted with an overwhelming view, in Tiburon. It had four bedrooms, and was dirt cheap compared to what it might have cost, and it gave them each an office, a bedroom for them, and a bedroom for Barb when she came to town from Detroit, or if they had guests. It had a lovely sun deck, a porch, a hot tub, which looked out at the view, and neither of them had ever been happier. Harry and Averil came to check it out with the kids, and they had to admit that the setting was beautiful but it still wasn't what Harry had hoped for her, but she only laughed at him. And worst of all, Jack shared all of her views. He had no intention of getting hooked into marriage again, by anyone. He was thirty-eight years old, and his little escapade in Detroit twelve years before had cost him dearly.

Jack and Tana did Christmas dinner that year, and it was beautiful, with the Bay below, and the city shimmering in the distance. “It's like a dream, isn't it, sweetheart?” Jack whispered to her after everyone went home. They had exactly the life that suited them, and she had even finally given up her own apartment in town. She had hung onto it for a while to play it safe, but in the end, she had let it go. She was safe with him, and he took good care of her. When she had appendicitis that year, he took two weeks off from work to take care of her. When she turned thirty-six, he gave her a party in the Trafalgar Room at Trader Vic's for eighty-seven of her closest friends, and the following year, he surprised her with a cruise in Greece. She came home rested and brown, and happier than ever with their life. There was never any talk of marriage between the two, although once in a while they talked about buying the house in which they lived, but Tana wasn't even sure about that, and secretly Jack was leary of it too. Neither of them wanted to rock the boat that had sailed along so comfortably for so long. They had lived together for almost two years and it was perfect for them both. Until October after the cruise to Greece. Tana had a big case coming up, and she had stayed up almost all night going over her notes and the files, and she'd fallen asleep at her desk, looking out over the Bay in Tiburon. The phone woke her before Jack did with her cup of tea, and she stared at him as she picked it up.

“Huh?” She looked blank and Jack grinned at her. She was a mess when she stayed up all night like that, and as though hearing his thoughts, she turned her eyes toward him, and then suddenly he saw them open wide and stare at him. “What? Axe you crazy? I'm not … oh, God. I'll be there in an hour.” She put down the phone and stared at him as he set down the cup of tea with a worried frown.

“Something wrong?” It couldn't be anything back home if she'd promised to be there in an hour, it had to be work … and it wasn't for him. “What happened, Tan?” She was still staring at him.

“I don't know.… I have to talk to Frye.”

“The district attorney?”

“No. God. Who the hell do you think?”

“Well, what are you getting so excited about?” He still didn't understand. But neither did she. She had done a fantastic job. It just didn't make sense. She'd been there for years … there were tears in her eyes when she looked at Jack and stood up at her desk, spilling the tea across her files, but she didn't even care now.

“He said I'm being fired.” She started to cry and sat down again as he stared at her.

“That can't be, Tan.”

“That's what I said … the D.A.'s office is my whole life.…” And the saddest thing of all was that they both knew it was true.

Tana showered, dressed, and drove into the city within the hour, her face set, eyes grim. It was obvious that it was an emergency. She looked as though someone had died. Jack offered to go with her, but she knew he had his own problems that day, and Harry had been out of the office a lot recently, so everything rested on him.

“Are you sure you don't want me to drive you in, Tan? I don't want you to have an accident.” She kissed him vaguely on the lips and shook her head. It was so odd. They had lived together for so long, but they were almost more friends than anything else. He was someone to talk to at night, share her problems with, talk about her cases with, as she worked on her strategy. He understood her life, her quirks, he was content with the life they shared and he wanted relatively little from her, it seemed. Harry claimed it was unnatural, and it was certainly different from what he and Averil shared. But she felt Jack's concern now as she started her car and he watched her leave. He still couldn't understand what had happened to her, and neither could she. She walked into her office, feeling numb, half an hour later, and without even knocking walked into the office of the D.A. She couldn't hold the tears back anymore, and they rolled down her face as she looked at him.

“What the hell did I do to deserve this?” She looked stricken and he felt instant remorse at what he'd done. He had just thought it would be fun to give her the news in a roundabout way, but he never realized she'd be so heartbroken. It made him all the sorrier to lose her now. But he had been sorry anyway.

“You're too good at your job, Tan. Stop crying and sit down.” He smiled at her and she felt even more confused.

“So you're firing me?” She was still on her feet, staring at him.

“I didn't say that. I said you were out of a job.” She sat down with a thump.

“Well, what the hell does that mean?” She reached into her handbag and pulled out a handkerchief and blew her nose. She was unashamed of how she felt. She loved her job, and she had from the first day. She'd been in the D.A.'s office for twelve years. That was a lifetime to give up now, and she would have preferred to give up anything but that. Anything. The district attorney felt sorry for her then, and he came around his desk to put an arm around her.

“Come on, Tan, don't take it so hard. We're going to miss you, too, you know.” A fresh burst of tears escaped from her and he smiled. It brought tears to his eyes too. She would be leaving soon, if she accepted it. And she had suffered long enough. He forced her to sit down, looked her square in the eye. “You're being offered a seat on the bench, sweetheart. Judge Roberts of the Municipal Court. How does that sound to you?”

“I am?” She stared at him, unable to absorb it all. “I am? I'm not being fired?” She started to cry all over again, and she blew her nose again, suddenly laughing at the same time. “I'm not … you're kidding me.…”

“I wish I were.” But he looked delighted for her and she suddenly gave a small scream, realizing what he'd done to her.

“Oh, you son of a bitch … I thought you were firing me!” He laughed.

“I apologize. I just thought I'd create a little excitement in your life.”

“Shit.” She looked at him in disbelief and blew her nose again but she was too stunned at what he was telling her to even be angry at him. “My God … how did that happen?”

“I've seen it coming for a long time, Tan. I knew it would happen eventually. I just didn't know when. And I'll lay you odds you're in superior court by this time next year. You're perfect for it after your track record here.”

“Oh, Larry … my God … an appointment to the bench…” The words were almost beyond her ken. “I just can't believe it.” She looked up at him. “I'm thirty-seven years old, and I never even thought of that.”

“Well, thank God someone did.” He held out a hand and shook hers as she beamed. “Congratulations, Tan, you deserve every bit of it. They want to induct you in three weeks.”

“So soon? What about my work … Christ, I have a case that goes to trial on the twenty-third…” She knit her brows and he laughed at her and waved a hand magnanimously.

“Forget it, Tan. Why don't you take some time off, and get ready for the new job? Just dump it all on someone else's desk for a change. Use this week to wrap up and then get yourself sorted out at home.”

“What do I have to do?” She still looked stunned and he smiled at her. “Shop for robes?”

“No.” He laughed. “But I think you may have some house hunting to do. Do you still live in Marin?” He knew she'd lived with someone for the past couple of years, but he wasn't sure if she'd kept her own place in town or not. She nodded at him. “You've got to have a place in town, Tan.”

“How come?”

“It's a condition of being a San Francisco judge. You can keep the other place, but your main residence has to be here.”

“Do I really have to stick to that?” She looked upset.

“Pretty much. During the week anyway.”

“Christ.” She stared into space for a minute, thinking of Jack. Suddenly her whole life had turned upside down. “I'll have to do something about that.”

“You've got plenty to do in the next few weeks, and first of all you have to respond.” He put on an official voice. “Tana Roberts, do you accept the seat on the bench that has been offered you, to serve as a municipal court judge in the city and county of San Francisco?”

She looked at him in awe. “I do.”

He stood up and smiled at her, happy at the good fortune that had befallen her so deservedly. “Good luck, Tan. We'll miss you here.” Tears sprang to her eyes again and she was still in shock when she went back to her own desk and sat down. There were a thousand things she had to do. Empty her desk, look over her caseload, brief someone else about the cases she was passing on, call Harry, tell Jack … Jack … ! she suddenly looked at her watch and grabbed the phone. The secretary said he was in a meeting but Tana told her to get him anyway.

“Hi, babe, you okay?”

“Yes.” She sounded breathless on the phone. She didn't know where to start. “You won't believe what happened, Jack.”

“I wondered what the hell was going on when they called you at home. What is it, Tan?”

She took a deep breath. “They just offered me a seat on the bench.” There was total silence at the other end.

“At your age?”

“Isn't that incredible?” She was beaming now. “I mean, would you believe … I never thought.…”

“I'm happy for you, Tan.” He sounded quiet, but pleased, and then she remembered what the D.A. had said. She had to find a place in town, but she didn't want to tell him that on the phone.

“Thank you, sweetheart. I'm still in shock. Is Harry there?”

“No, he's not in today.”

“He's sure out a lot lately, isn't he? What's up?”

“I think he's in Tahoe with Ave and the kids for a long weekend. You can call him there.”

“I'll wait till he gets back. I want to see his face.” But the face she didn't want to see was Jack's when she told him she had to move out of Marin.

“I wondered about that after you called.” He looked sad when she told him that night. He was obviously upset and so was she, but she was terribly excited too. She had even called her mother, and Jean had been stunned. “My daughter, a judge?” She had been thrilled for Tana. Maybe things did work out in the end, and she had met Jack once and he seemed nice to her. She hoped they would get married eventually, even if Tana was too old for children now. But as a judge, maybe that didn't matter as much. Even Arthur had been thrilled for her. Jean had explained it to him several times.

Tana looked at Jack now. “How do you feel about living in town during the week?”

“Not great.” He was honest with her. “It's so damn comfortable for us here.”

“I thought I'd look for something small that we don't have to worry about. An apartment, a condo, a studio, even.…” As though she could pretend it wasn't happening but he shook his head.

“We'd go nuts after all the room we're used to here.” For two years they had lived like kings, with a huge master bedroom, offices for each of them, a living room, dining room, guest room for Barb, sweeping view of the Bay. A studio would feel like a jail cell after that.

“Well, I've got to do something, Jack, and I only have three weeks.” She looked faintly annoyed at him, he wasn't making it easier for her, and she wondered if the appointment bothered him. It would be natural that it would, at least at first, but she hardly had time to think of that in the next few weeks. She divided her case load up, emptied her desk, and ran around looking at every condo available until the real estate agent called halfway into the second week. She had something “very special” she wanted Tana to see, in Pacific Heights.

“It's not exactly what you had in mind, but it's worth a look.” And when she went, it was more than that. It was a dollhouse that took her breath away, a tiny gingerbread jewel, painted beige with dollops of cinnamon and cream. It was absolutely impeccable, with inlaid floors, marble fireplaces in just about every room, huge closets, perfect lighting, double French doors, and a view of the Bay. Tana would never have thought of looking for something like it, but now that she was here, there was no way she could resist.

“How much is the rent?” She knew it would be ferocious. The place looked like something out of a magazine.

“It's not for rent.” The agent smiled at her. “It's for sale.” She told her the price, and Tana was amazed at how reasonable it was. It wasn't cheap, but it wouldn't have destroyed her savings at one blow, and at the price that was being asked, it was actually a good investment for her. It was irresistible in every possible way, and it was perfect for her. One large bedroom on the second floor, a dressing room with mirrored walls, a tiny den with a brick fireplace, and downstairs, one large, beautiful living room and a tiny country kitchen that gave out onto a patio framed with trees. She signed away her life, put the deposit down, and turned up in Jack's office, looking nervous about what she'd done. She knew it wasn't a mistake, but still … it was such an independent thing to do, so solitary, so grown up … and she hadn't asked him.

“Good Lord, who died?” He stepped into the anteroom and saw her face, as she laughed nervously. “That's better.” He kissed her neck. “You practicing to be a judge? You're going to scare people half to death running around with a face like that.”

“I just did a crazy thing.” The words tumbled out and he smiled. He had had a rough day, and it wasn't even two o'clock yet.

“So what else is new? Come on in and tell me about it.” Tana saw that Harry's door was closed, and she didn't knock. She passed right into Jack's large, pleasant room in the Victorian they'd bought five years before. That had been a good investment for them, maybe it would help make him understand what she'd done. He smiled at her from across his desk. “So what'd you do?”

“I think I just bought a house.” She looked like a frightened kid and he laughed at her.

“You think you did. I see. And what makes you think that?” He sounded as he always did, but his eyes were different now and she wondered why.

“Actually, I signed the papers … oh Jack … I hope I did the right thing.”

“Do you like it?”

“I'm in love with it.” He looked surprised, neither of them had wanted to own a house before. They had talked about it several times. They had no need of permanence, and he hadn't changed his mind. But apparently she had and he wondered why. A lot seemed to have changed in the last ten days, mostly for her. Nothing had changed for him.

“Won't that be a lot of trouble for you, Tan? Keeping it up, worrying about a leaky roof, and all that stuff we talked about before and didn't want.”

“I don't know … I guess…” She looked nervously at him. It was time to ask. “You'll be there too, won't you?” Her voice was frightened and soft and he smiled at her. She was at once so vulnerable and soft, and yet so incredibly powerful as well. He loved that about her and knew he always would. It was what Harry loved in her, too, that and her loyalty, her fierce heart, bright mind. She was such a lovely girl, judge or not. She looked like a teenager sitting there, watching him.

“Is there room in it for me?” His voice sounded tentative and she nodded vehemently, as her hair swung wild. She had cut it straight to her shoulders only weeks before she got the news, and it looked very elegant and sleek, hanging in a smooth blond sheet from crown to nape.

“Of course there is.” But he wasn't sure he agreed when he saw the place that night. He agreed that the place was beautiful, but it was awfully feminine to his eyes. “How can you say a thing like that? There's nothing here but walls and floors.”

“I don't know. It just feels that way, maybe because I know it's your house.” He turned to her and he looked sad all at once. “I'm sorry, Tan, it's beautiful … I don't mean to rain on your parade.”

“It's all right. I'll make it comfortable for both of us. I promise you.” He took her to dinner that night and they talked for hours, about her new job, the “judge' school” she would have to attend in Oakland for three weeks, holed up in a hotel with other recent appointees. Everything seemed suddenly exciting and new, and she hadn't felt that way in years.

“It's like starting life all over again, isn't it?” Her eyes danced as she looked at him and he smiled at her.

“I guess.” They went home after that and made love, and nothing seemed to have changed in important ways. She spent the next week shopping for furniture for her new house, closing the deal, and buying a new dress for her induction ceremony. She had even asked her mother to come out, but Arthur wasn't well enough and Jean didn't want to leave him alone. But Harry would be there, and Averil, and Jack, and all the friends and acquaintances she had collected over the years. In the end, there were two hundred people at the ceremony, and Harry gave her a reception afterwards at Trader Vic's. It was the most festive occasion she had ever been to, and she laughed as she kissed Jack halfway through the afternoon.

“It's kind of like getting married, isn't it?” He laughed back at her and they exchanged a look which said they both understood.

“Better than that, thank God.” They laughed again and he danced with her, and they were both a little drunk when they went home that night, and the following week, she started “judge' school.”

She stayed at the hotel, in the room they had given her, and she had planned to spend weekends in Tiburon with Jack, but there was always something to do at her new house, a painting she wanted to hang, lights she had to fix, a couch that had arrived, a gardener she wanted to interview, and for the first two weeks she slept in town when she wasn't at “judge' school.”

“Why don't you come sleep here with me?” There was a plaintive note in her voice and she sounded irritable. He hadn't seen her in days but that was par for the course these days. She had too much else to do.

“I've got too much work to do.” He sounded curt.

“You can bring it here, sweetheart. I'll make some soup and a salad, you can use my den.” He noticed the possessive term, and like everything else these days, it rankled him, but he had a lot on his mind just then.

“Do you know what it's like to drag all your work over to someone else's house?”

“I'm not someone else. I'm me. And you live here too.”

“Since when?” She was hurt by his tone and she backed off, and even Thanksgiving was strained, spent with Harry and Averil and the kids.

“How's the new house, Tan?” Harry was happy about everything that had happened to her, but she noticed that he looked tired and drawn, and Averil looked strained too. It was a difficult day for everyone and even the children whined more than usual, and Jack and Tana's godchild cried most of the day. She sighed as they drove back to town at last, and Jack visibly unwound in the silence in the car.

“Doesn't it make you glad you don't have kids?” He looked at her as he spoke and she smiled at him.

“Days like this do, but when they're all dressed up and cute, or sound asleep, and you watch Harry look at Ave … sometimes I think it would be sweet to be like that.…” She sighed then and glanced at him. “I don't think I could stand it, though.”

“You'd look cute on the bench, with a string of kids.” He said it sarcastically and she laughed. He had been sharp with her a lot recently and she noticed that he was driving her into town and not to Tiburon, and she looked at him, surprised.

“Aren't we going home, sweetheart?”

“Sure … I thought you wanted to go back to your place.…”

“I don't mind … I…” She took a deep breath. It had to be said eventually. “You're mad at me for buying the house, aren't you?”

He shrugged and drove on, keeping his eyes on the other cars. “I guess it was something you had to do. I just didn't think you'd do something like that.”