Full circle

“All I did was buy a little house because I had to have a place in town.”

“I just didn't think you wanted to own something, Tan.”

“What difference does it make if I own or rent? It's a good investment this way. We've talked about doing something like that.”

“Yeah, and we decided not to. Why do you have to get yourself locked into something permanent?” The thought of that almost gave him hives. He was happy renting where they were in Tiburon. “You never thought like that before.”

“Things change sometimes. This just made sense at the time, and I fell in love with it.”

“I know you did. Maybe that's what bothers me. It's so ‘yours,’ not ours.”

“Would you rather have bought something with me?” But she knew him better than that and he shook his head.

“That would just complicate our lives. You know that.”

“You can't keep things simple all the time. And as those things go, I think we've done damn well. We're the most unencumbered people I know.” And they had done it purposely. Nothing was permanent, written in stone. Their whole life could be unwound in a matter of hours, or so they thought, at least it was what they had told themselves for two years.

Tana went on, “Hell, I used to have an apartment in town. What's the big deal?” But it wasn't the house, it was her job, she had begun to suspect it weeks before. It bothered him, the fuss, the press, he had tolerated it before because she was only an assistant D.A., but suddenly she was a judge … Your Honor … Judge Roberts, she had noticed the look on his face everytime someone said the words to her. “You know, it really isn't fair of you to take it out on me, Jack. I can't help it. Something wonderful happened and now we have to learn to live with it. It could have happened to you too. The shoe could be on the other foot, you know.”

“I think I'd have handled it differently.”

“How?” She was instantly hurt by his words.

“Actually,” he looked at her accusingly, the anger between them finally had words put to it, like a symphony with a chorale, but it was a relief to get it out. “I think I'd have turned it down. It's a goddamn pompous thing to do.”

“Pompous? What an awful thing to say. Do you think I'm pompous for accepting the seat they offered me?”

“Depends on how you handle it.” He answered cryptically.

“Well?”

They stopped at a light and he turned to look at her, and then suddenly looked away. “Look … never mind … I just don't like the changes it's made for us. I don't like you living in town, I don't like your goddamn house, I don't like any of it.”

“So you're going to punish me, is that it? Christ, I'm doing my best to handle it gracefully, give me a chance. Let me figure it out. It's a big change for me, too, you know.”

“You'd never know it to look at you. You look happy as can be.”

“Well, I am happy.” She was honest with him. “It's wonderful and flattering and interesting, and I'm having fun with my career. It's very exciting for me, but it's also scary and new, and I don't quite know how to handle it and I don't want it to hurt you.…”

“Never mind that.…”

“What do you mean, never mind? I love you, Jack. I don't want this to destroy us.”

“Then it won't.” He shrugged and drove on, but neither of them was convinced, and he remained impossible for the next few weeks. She made a point of spending the night in Tiburon whenever she could, and she cajoled him constantly, but he was angry at her, and the Christmas they spent at her house was grim. He made it clear that he hated everything about her house, and he left at eight o'clock the next day, claiming he had things to do. He made life difficult for her for the next few months, and in spite of it, she enjoyed her job. The only thing she didn't like were the long hours she kept. She stayed in her chambers until midnight sometimes, but she had so much to learn, so many points of law to read and refer to for each case. So much depended on her that she became blind to almost all else, so much so that she didn't see how unwell Harry looked, never realized how seldom he went to work anymore, and it was late April before Jack turned to her and screamed.

“What are you, blind? He's dying, for God's sake. He has been for the last six months, Tan. Don't you give a shit about anyone else anymore?” His words cut her to the quick and she gaped at him in horror.

“That's not true … he can't be.…” But suddenly the pale face, the ghostly eyes, all of it suddenly made sense. But why hadn't he told her? Why? She looked up at Jack accusingly. “Why didn't you say something?”

“You wouldn't have heard. You're so fucking wrapped up in how important you are these days, you don't see anything that goes on.” They were bitter accusations, angry words, and without saying a word she left Tiburon that night and drove home to her own house, called Harry on the phone, and before she could say anything, she began to cry.

“What's the matter, Tan?” He sounded tired, and she felt as though her heart were going to break.

“I can't … I … oh God, Harry.…” All the pressures of the past months suddenly began to pile up on her, Jack's anger, and what he had told her that night about Harry being ill. She couldn't believe he was dying, but when she saw him the next day for lunch, he looked at her quietly and told her it was true. She felt her breath catch as though on a sharp nail and she stared at him. “But that can't be true … that's not fair.…” She sat there and sobbed like a little child, unable to comfort him, desolate, in too much pain herself to help anyone and he wheeled to where she sat and put his arms around her. There were tears in his eyes, too, but he was strangely calm. He had known for almost a year, and they had told him that a long time ago: his wounds could cut his life short, and they were. He was suffering from hydronephrosis, which was devouring him by degrees as he headed towards kidney failure. They had tried everything they could, but his body was just quietly giving up. She looked at him with terror in her eyes. “I can't live without you.”

“Yes, you can.” He was more worried about Averil and the kids. He knew Tana would survive. She had saved him. She would never give up. “I want you to do something for me. I want you to make sure Ave is all right. The kids are all set, and she has everything she'll need, but she's not like you, Tan … she's always been so dependent on me.”

She stared at him. “Does your father know?”

He shook his head. “No one does, except Jack and Ave, and now you.” He was angry that Jack had said something to her and especially in anger, but he wanted a promise from her now. “You promise you'll keep an eye on her?”

“Of course I will.” It was hideous, he was talking as though he were planning to leave on a trip. She looked at him and twenty years of love raced before her eyes … the dance where they had met … the years at Harvard and BU … coming West … Vietnam … the hospital … law school … the apartment they had shared … the night his first child was born … it was incredible, impossible. His life wasn't over yet, it couldn't be. She needed him too much. But then she remembered the spate of bladder infections and she knew suddenly where all this would lead—he was dying. She began to cry again and he held on to her, and then she looked at him and sobbed. “Why? … It's not fair.”

“Damn little in life is.” He smiled at her, a small, gray, wintry smile. He didn't care so much for himself as he did for his wife and kids. He had been worried sick about them for months, and he was trying to teach Averil to handle everything herself, to no avail. She was totally hysterical, and she refused to learn anything, as though that way she could keep it from happening, but nothing would. He was getting weaker by the day, and he knew it himself. He only came in to the office now once or twice a week; it was why he was never there when she went in to see Jack from time to time, and she talked to him about that now.

“He's beginning to hate me now.” She looked so bleak that it frightened him. He had never seen her like that. These were difficult times for all of them. He still couldn't believe he was going to die, but he knew he would. It was like stuffing running out of a rag doll, he felt as though he were slowly disappearing until he would be no more one day. Only that. They would wake up and he would be gone. Quietly. Not with the squall and the pushes and the screams with which one comes into the world, but with a tear and sigh and a breath of air as one passes on into the next life, if there even was such a thing. He didn't even know that anymore, and he wasn't sure he cared. He was too worried about the people he was leaving behind, his partner, his wife, his children, his friends. They all seemed to be resting on him and it was exhausting for him. But in some ways it also kept him alive, like right now with Tana. He felt he had something to share with her, before he went. Something important for her. He wanted her to change her life before it was too late. And he had said the same thing to Jack, but he didn't want to hear.

“He doesn't hate you, Tan. Look, the job is threatening to him. Besides, he's been upset about me for the past few months.”

“He could have said something at least.”

“I made him swear he wouldn't, you can't blame that on him. And as for the rest, you're an important woman now, Tan. Your job is more important than his. That's just the way things are. It's difficult for both of you, and he'll have to adjust to it.”

“Tell him that.”

“I have.”

“He punishes me for what's happened. He hates my house, he's not the same man.”

“Yes he is.” Too much so for Harry's taste. He was still devoted to the same ridiculous things; staying unattached, a total lack of commitment or permanence. It was an empty life, and Harry had told him so often enough, but Jack only shrugged. He liked the way he lived, or at least he had until Tana's new job came along. That was giving him a major pain in the ass, and he made no bones about it to Harry. “Maybe he's jealous of you. That's not attractive, but it's possible, and he's human, after all.”

“So when will he grow up? Or do I have to resign?” It was a relief talking about normal things, as though the nightmare weren't happening, as though she could make it stop by talking about something else with him. Like the old days … they had been so sweet … tears filled her eyes as she thought of them.…

“Of course you don't have to resign. Just give him time.” And then he looked at Tana, with something else on his mind. “I want to say something to you, Tan. Two things.” He looked at her so intensely it was as though his whole body turned to flame, she could feel the strength of his words boring right into her soul. “I don't know from one day to the next what tomorrow will bring, if I'll be here … if … I have two things to say to you, and it's all I have to leave you, my friend. Listen well. The first is thank you for what you did for me. The last sixteen years of my life have been a gift from you, not from my doctor, or anyone else, but from you. You forced me to live again, to go on … if it weren't for you I'd never have met Averil, or had the kids.…” There were tears in his eyes now, too, and they rolled slowly down his cheeks. Tana was grateful that they had met in her chambers for lunch. They had needed to be alone. “And that brings me to the second thing. You're cheating yourself, Tan. You don't know what you're missing, and you won't know till you're there. You're depriving yourself of marriage, commitment, real love … not borrowed, or rented, or temporary, or kind of. I know that fool's in love with you and you love him but he's devoted to ‘hanging loose,’ to not making a mistake again and that's the biggest mistake of all. Get married, Tan … have kids … it's the only thing that makes sense in life … the only thing I care about … the only important thing I'm leaving behind … no matter who you are or what you do, until you have that and are that and give that, you are nothing and no one … you're only half alive.… Tana, don't cheat yourself … please.…” He was crying openly now. He had loved her so much for so long and he didn't want her to miss what he and Averil had shared. And as he spoke to her, her mind went instantly to the countless looks she had watched them share, the quiet joy, the laughter that never seemed to end … and would end so soon now, and deep in her heart she had always known that what he said was true, in some ways she had wanted it for herself, and in other ways she was scared … and the men in her life had always been wrong for that … Yael McBee … Drew Lands … and now Jack … and the people who didn't matter in between. There had never been anyone who might have come close. Maybe Harry's father would have, but that was so long ago now … “If the opportunity ever comes, grab it, Tan. Give up everything, if you have to. But if it's the right thing, you won't.”

“What do you propose I do? Go out on the street and wear a sign? ‘Marry me. Let's have kids.’“ They laughed together, for a moment, just like old times.

“Yeah, asshole, why not?”

“I love you, Harry.” The words sprang from her and she was crying again and he held her tight.

“I'll never really be gone, Tan. You know that. You and I had too much to ever lose that … just like Ave and I do in a different way. I'll be here, keeping an eye on things.” They were crying openly and she didn't think she could live without him. And she could only imagine how Averil felt. It was the most painful time of their lives, and for the next three months, they watched him roll slowly downhill, and on a warm summer day, with the sun high in the sky, she got the call. It was from Jack. There were tears in his voice, and she felt her heart stop. She had seen Harry only the night before. She went to see him every day now, no matter what, at lunchtime or at night, or sometimes before her day began. She never knew how hectic things would get, but she wouldn't give that up. And he had held her hand and smiled just the night before. He could barely talk, but she had kissed his cheek, and suddenly thought of the hospital so long ago. She wanted to shake him back to life, to make him fight for what he had been, but he couldn't anymore, and it was easier to go.

“He just died.” Jack's voice broke, and Tana began to cry. She wanted to see him just once more … to hear him laugh … see those eyes … She couldn't speak for a minute, and then she nodded her head and took a breath to fight back the sobs.

“How's Ave?”

“She seems all right.” Harrison had arrived the week before and he was staying with them. Tana looked at her watch.

“I'll go over there right now. I just called a recess for the afternoon anyway.” She could feel him tense at her words, as though he felt she were showing off for him. But that was what she did. She was a municipal court judge, and she had called a recess. “Where are you?”

“I'm at work. His father just called.”

“I'm glad he was there. Are you going over now?”

“I can't for a little while.” She nodded, realizing that if she had said that, he would have said something unpleasant to her about how important she thought she was. There was no winning with him now and Harry hadn't been able to soften him before he died, no matter how hard he tried. There had been so much he wanted to say, so much to share with those he loved. And it was over so soon. Tana drove over the Bay Bridge with tears streaming down her face, and then suddenly, it was as though she felt him next to her and she smiled. He was gone, but he was everywhere now. With her, with Ave, with his father, his kids …

“Hi, kid.” She smiled into the air as she drove, and the tears continued to flow and when she arrived at the house, he was already gone. They had taken him to prepare him for the services, and Harrison was sitting in the living room, looking stunned. He looked suddenly very old, and Tana realized he was almost seventy now. And with grief etched on his still handsome face, he looked even older than that. She said nothing at all, she just went to him, and they held each other tight, and Averil came out of the bedroom after that, wearing a simple black dress, her blond hair pulled back and her wedding ring on her left hand. Harry had given her some beautiful things from time to time, but she wore nothing now— only her grief and her pride and their love, as she stood surrounded by the life and the home and the children they had shared. She looked oddly beautiful as she stood there, and in a strange way Tana envied her. She and Harry had shared something that few people ever had, for however long, and it had been worth everything to them. And suddenly, for the first time in her life, she felt a void. She was sorry that she hadn't married him a long time before, or someone else … gotten married … had kids … it left an aching hole in her that refused to be filled. All through the services, at the cemetery as they left him there, and afterwards, when she was alone again, she felt something she couldn't have explained to anyone, and when she tried to tell Jack, he shook his head and stared at her.

“Don't go crazy now, Tan, just because Harry died.” She had told him that she suddenly felt her life was a waste because she had never married and had kids. “I've done both, and believe me it doesn't change a damn thing. Don't kid yourself, not everyone has what they did. In fact, I've never known anyone who did, except them. And if you got married looking for that, you'd be disappointed, because it wouldn't be there.”

“How do you know that? It might.” She was disappointed by what he said.

“Take my word for it.”

“You can't make a judgment on that. You knocked up some twenty-one-year-old girl and got married lickety split because you had to. That's different from making an intelligent choice at our age.”

“Are you trying to put pressure on me, Tan?” He suddenly looked angrily at her, and all the handsome blond good looks seemed suddenly drawn and tired. Losing Harry had been rough on him too. “Don't do that to me now. This isn't the time.”

“I'm just telling you what I feel.”

“You feel like shit because your best friend just died. But don't go getting all romantic about it, and the secret of life being marriage and kids. Believe me, it's not.”

“How the hell do you know that? You can't decide for anyone but yourself. Don't try to evaluate things for me, goddammit, Jack,” all her feelings suddenly came rushing out, “you're so fucking scared to give a damn about anyone, you squeak anytime someone comes too close. And you know what? I'm fucking sick of you punishing me all the time because I got made a judge last year!”

“Is that what you think I do?” It was a relief for both of them to scream a little bit, but there was truth in her words, and they hit home so hard he slammed out of her house, and she didn't see him for three weeks. It was the longest they'd been apart voluntarily since they'd met, but he didn't call her and she didn't call him. She heard nothing at all from him until his daughter arrived in town for her annual visit, and Tana invited her to stay with her in town. Barb was excited at the idea, and when she arrived at the little house on her own the following afternoon, Tana was stunned by how much she had changed. She had just turned fifteen, and she suddenly looked like a woman now, with long lean lines, and pretty little hips and big blue eyes with her flash of red hair.

“You look great, Barb.”

“Thanks, so do you.” Tana kept her for five days, and even took her to court with her, and it was only toward the end of the week that they finally talked about Jack, and how things had changed with them.

“He yells at me all the time now.” Barbara had noticed it too, and she wasn't having a very good time with him. “My mom says he was always like that, but he never was when you were around, Tan.”

“I think he's probably pretty nervous these days.” She was making excuses for him for Barb's sake, so she didn't think it was her fault, but in truth it was a conglomerate of things: Tana, Harry, pressures in his work. Nothing seemed to be going right for him, and when Tana attempted to have dinner with him after Barbara went back to Detroit, it ended in more bickering again. They were arguing about what Averil should do with the house. He thought she should sell and move into town, and Tana disagreed. “That house means a lot to her; they've been there for years.”

“She needs a change, Tan. You can't hang on to the past.”

“Why the hell are you so desperately afraid to hang on to anything? It's almost as if you're afraid to give a damn.” She had noticed that a lot about him of late. He always wanted to be free and unattached, never tied down. It was a wonder the relationship had lasted as long as it had, but it certainly wasn't in good shape now, and at the end of the summer, fate dealt them another blow. Just as she had been told, when she was offered her seat on the municipal court bench a year before, an opening had come up, and she was being kicked up into superior court. She almost didn't have the heart to tell Jack, but she didn't want him to hear it from someone else first. Gritting her teeth, she dialed him at home one night. She was in her cozy little house, reading some law books she had brought home, to check some remote statutes of the penal code, and she held her breath as he answered the phone.

“Hi, Tan, what's up?” He sounded more relaxed than he had in months, and she hated to spoil his good mood, which she knew her news would. And she was right. He sounded as though someone had punched him in the gut when she told him she was being made a superior court judge.

“That's nice. When?” He sounded as though she had just planted a cobra at his feet.

“In two weeks. Would you come to my induction, or would you rather not be there?”

“That's a hell of a thing to say. I gather you'd just as soon I not come.” He was so sensitive, there was no talking to him.

“I didn't say that. But I know how uptight you get about my work.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Oh, please, Jack … let's not get into that now.…” She was too tired after a long day, and everything seemed harder and sadder and more difficult now that Harry was gone. And with the relationship with Jack on the rocks, it wasn't the happiest time of her life, to say the least. “I hope you'll come.”

“Does that mean I won't see you till then?”

“Of course not. You can see me whenever you want.”

“How about tomorrow night?” It was almost as if he were testing her.

“Great. Your place or mine?” She laughed but he did not.

“Yours gives me claustrophobia. I'll pick you up outside City Hall at six.”

“Yes, sir.” She put a mock salute in her voice, but he didn't laugh, and when they met the next day, their mood was gray. They both missed Harry terribly and the only difference was that Tana talked about it, and Jack would not. He had taken another attorney into the partnership, and he seemed to like the man. He talked about that a lot, and about how successful the man had been, how much money they were going to make. It was obvious that he still had a chip on his shoulder over Tana's work, and by the next morning, it was a relief when he dropped her off at City Hall again. He was going to Pebble Beach that weekend to play golf with a bunch of guys and he hadn't invited her, and she was relieved as she walked up the steps of City Hall with a sigh. He certainly didn't make her life easy these days, and now and then she thought of what Harry had said to her before he died. But it was hopeless thinking of anything permanent with Jack. He just wasn't that kind of man. And Tana didn't kid herself anymore. She wasn't that kind of girl anyway. It was probably why they had gotten along for as long as they had. Not that that seemed to apply anymore. The friction between them was almost more than she could bear, and she was actually grateful when she discovered that he was going to be in Chicago on a business trip when she was inducted into superior court.

It was a small, simple ceremony this time, presided over by the presiding judge of the superior court. There were half a dozen other judges there, her old friend the D.A., who happily said “I told you so” over her swift move up, and a handful of other people she cared about, and Averil was in Europe with Harrison and the kids. She had decided to winter in London that year, just to get away for a while, and she had put the children in school there. Harrison had talked her into it, and he looked happy when he left with his grandchildren in tow. There had been a heartbreaking moment alone with Tana just before that, when he actually put his face in his hands and cried, wondering if Harry had known how much he had loved him, and she insisted that he had. It helped assuage his sorrow and his guilt over the early years to take care of his daughter-in-law and his grandchildren now. But it wasn't the same without them at Tana's swearing-in and it was odd to look around and not see Jack.

The actual swearing-in was done by a judge of the court of appeals, a man Tana had met once or twice over the years. He had thick black hair, ferocious dark eyes, and a look which would have frightened anyone, as he towered over them all in his dark robes, but he also had quick laughter, a keen mind, and a surprising gentleness. He was particularly well known for some very controversial decisions he had made, which had been played up in the national press, and in particular the New York Times, and the Washington Post, as well as the Chronicle. Tana had read about him a lot, and wondered just how ferocious he was, but she was intrigued to see now that he was less lion and more lamb, or at least he was at her swearing-in. They chatted for a while about his superior court days, and she knew that he had also run the biggest law firm in town, before being made a judge. He had an interesting career behind him, though she suspected that he wasn't more than forty-eight or forty-nine. For a long time, he had been kind of a “wunderkind,” and she liked him very much as he shook her hand, and congratulated her warmly again, before he left.

“I'm impressed.” Her old friend the D.A. smiled at her. “That's the first time I've ever seen Russell Carver at a swearing-in. You're getting to be awfully important, my friend.”

“He probably had to pay his parking tickets downstairs, and someone recruited him.” They both laughed. Actually, he was a close friend of the presiding judge, and had volunteered his services for the swearing-in. He looked the part anyway, with his dark hair and serious face.

“You should have seen him when he was the presiding judge here, Tan. Shit, he threw one of our D.A.'s into the can on contempt of court for three weeks and I couldn't get the poor bastard out.”

Tana laughed, just imagining it. “I'm lucky that never happened to me, I guess.”

“Didn't you ever have him as a judge?”

“Only twice. He's been on the court of appeals for a hell of a long time.”

“I guess he has. He's not very old though, as I recall. Forty-nine, fifty, fifty-one … something like that…”

“Who's that?” The presiding judge wandered over to them and shook Tana's hand again. It was a nice day for her, and she was suddenly glad that Jack wasn't there. It was so much easier like this, and not having to hold her breath or apologize to him.

“We were talking about Justice Carver.”

“Russ? He's forty-nine. He went to Stanford with me.” The presiding judge smiled, “although I'll admit he was a few years behind.” In fact, he had been a freshman when the presiding judge graduated from law school, but their families had been friends. “He's a hell of a nice guy, smart as hell.”

“He has to be.” Tana spoke admiringly. There was another leap to contemplate. The court of appeals. What a thought. Maybe in another decade or two. And in the meantime, she was going to enjoy this. Superior court was going to be just her cup of tea. They were going to have her trying criminal cases in no time at all, since that was her area of expertise. “It was nice of him to do my swearing-in today.” She smiled at everyone.

“He's a nice guy.” Everyone said that about the man, and she sent him a little note, thanking him for taking the time to make her induction an even more special event, and the next day, he called and there was laughter in his voice.

“You're awfully polite. I haven't had a bread-and-butter letter like that in twenty years at least.”

She laughed in embarrassment and thanked him for the call. “It was just a very nice thing to do. Like having the Pope around when you take religious vows.”

“Oh, my God … what a thought. Is that what you were doing last week? I take it all back…” They both laughed and they chatted for a while. She invited him to stop into her court whenever he was around, and she felt a comfortable warmth at the confrerie she was a part of now, judges and justices, all working together. It was like having arrived at Mount Olympus at last, and it was a hell of a lot easier in some ways than prosecuting cases against rapists and murderers, building a case and arguing, although she had enjoyed that too. Here, she had to keep a clearer head, an objective outlook, and she had never studied so much law in her life. She was buried in a stack of books in her chambers two weeks later, when Justice Carver took her at her word and came by. “Is this what I condemned you to?” He stood in her doorway and smiled. Her clerk had long since gone home, and she was frowning in concentration as she pored over six open books at once, comparing statutes and precedents as he wandered in and she looked up with a smile.

“What a nice surprise.” She stood up quickly and waved him toward a large, comfortable leather chair. “Please sit down.” He did and she looked at him. He was good-looking, in a quiet, virile, rather intellectual way. They weren't the same football team good looks as Jack's. They were much quieter, and much more powerful, just as he was in myriad ways. “Would you like a drink?” She kept a small bar well hidden for occasions such as this.

“No, thanks. I have too much homework to do tonight.”

“You too? How do you ever get through it all?”

“I don't. Sometimes it makes you want to just sit there and cry, but you get through it eventually. What are you working on?” She described the case to him as briefly as she could and he nodded thoughtfully. “That should be an interesting one. It may even wind up in my lap eventually.”

She laughed. “That's not much of a vote of confidence if you think they'll appeal my decision.”

“No, no,” he was quick to explain, “it's just that you're on new turf there and whatever you decide, if they don't like it, they'll appeal. They may even try to overturn it. Be careful you don't give them grounds.” It was good advice and they chatted on for quite a while. He had dark, thoughtful eyes that gave him an almost sensual air, which didn't seem in keeping with his seriousness. There were a lot of contrasts about the man, and she was intrigued by him. He walked her out eventually, and helped her carry a stack of books to her car, and then he seemed to hesitate. “I couldn't talk you into a hamburger somewhere, could I?”

She smiled at him. She liked this man. She had never known anyone quite like him before. “You might, if you promise to get me home early enough to do some work.” They chose Bill's Place on Clement. It was a simple, wholesome environment amidst the hamburgers and french fries and milkshakes and kids, and no one would have suspected who they were, how important their jobs, as they chatted on about cases they had suffered with years before, and the comparison of Stanford to Boalt, and eventually Tana laughed at him.

“All right, all right I concede. Your school is better than mine.”

“I didn't say that.” He laughed. “I said we had a better football team.”

“Well, that's not my fault at least. I had nothing to do with that.”

“I somehow didn't think you did.” It was very relaxing being with him. They had common interests, common friends, and the time flew by. He took her home, and was about to drop her off when she invited him inside for a drink, and he was surprised by how pretty the little bijou house was, how well she'd decorated it. It was a real haven, that made one want to stretch out in front of the fire and stay for a while.

“I'm happy here.” And she was, whenever she was alone. It was only when Jack was there, that it got so uncomfortable. But especially now, with Russ there, it suited her perfectly. Russ lit the fire for her, and she poured him a glass of red wine, and they chatted for a while, about their families, their lives. She discovered that he had lost his wife ten years before, and he had two daughters who were both married now.

“At least I'm not a grandfather yet.” Russell Carver smiled at her. “Beth is going to architectural school at Yale, while her husband studies law, and Lee is a fashion designer in New York. She's actually pretty good, and I'm proud of them … but grandchildren,” he almost groaned, and she smiled at him, “I'm not ready for that yet.”

“Did you ever want to marry again?” She was curious about him. He was an interesting man.

“No. No one that important has come along, I guess.” He looked around her house and then back at her. “You know how it is, you get comfortable with your own way of life. It's difficult to change all that for someone else.”

She smiled. “I suppose. I've never really tried. Not very courageous of me, I suppose.” Sometimes she regretted it now, and if Jack had twisted her arm before things began to fall apart.… She looked up at Russ and smiled. “Marriage used to scare the hell out of me.”

“As well it should. It's a mighty delicate operation at best. But when it works, it's wonderful.” His eyes glowed and it was easy to guess that he'd been happy with his wife. “I have nothing but good memories about that.” And they both knew that that made it harder to marry again too. “And my girls are great. You'll have to meet them sometime.”

“I'd like that very much.” They chatted on for a few minutes, he finished his wine, and then he left. She went up to her den with the books he'd helped her bring home, and she worked late into the night and the next day she laughed when a court messenger appeared with an envelope in his hand. He had written her a bread-and-butter letter much like the one she'd written him for her swearing-in and she called to laugh with him. It was a far easier conversation than the one she shared with Jack later that day. He was on the warpath again, and they were fighting about their weekend plans, so much so that eventually she got out of them, and sat peacefully in her house alone on Saturday, going through some old photographs when the doorbell rang. Russell Carver was standing there, looking at her apologetically, with a bunch of roses in his hand.

“This is a terribly rude thing to do, and I apologize in advance.” He looked handsome in a tweed jacket and a turtleneck sweater and she smiled at him delightedly.

“I never heard that bringing someone roses was rude before.”

“That's to compensate for dropping by unannounced, which is rude, but I was thinking of you and I didn't have your number at home. I gather it's unlisted, so I took a chance.…” He smiled sheepishly and she waved him in.

“I had absolutely nothing to do, and I'm delighted you came by.”

“I'm surprised I found you here. I was sure you'd be out.” She poured him a glass of wine, and they sat down on the couch.

“Actually, I had plans but I cancelled them.” Things were impossible with Jack, and she wondered how to handle it. Sooner or later, they'd either have to work things out or give up, but she didn't want to face that now, and he was away anyway.

“I'm glad you did.” Russ Carver smiled at her. “Would you like to go to Butterfield's with me?”

“The auction house?” She looked intrigued, and half an hour later they were wandering amidst antiques and Oriental works of art, chatting about sundry things. He had an easy way about him that was relaxing to her, and they shared similar views about almost everything. She even tried to explain her mother to him. “I think that's a big part of the reason why I never wanted to get married. I kept thinking of her sitting there waiting for him to call.…” She hated the memory, even now.

“Then all the more reason to marry someone and have security.”

“But I knew he was cheating on his wife by then. I never wanted to be either one of those women … my mother … or the wife he cheated on.”

“That must have been difficult for you, Tana.” He was sympathetic about so many things. And she told him about Harry that afternoon when they walked on Union Street. She told him about the friendship they had shared, the years at school, the time at the hospital, and how lonely it was without him now. Tears came to her eyes as she talked about him, but there was something gentle on her face, too, as she looked up at him. “He must have been a fine man.” His voice touched her like a caress and she smiled at him.

“He was more than that. He was the best friend I'll ever have. He was remarkable … even as he died, he gave something to everyone, a piece of himself … some part of himself.…” She looked up at Russ again. “I wish you'd known him.”

“So do I.” He looked at her gently then. “Were you in love with him?”

She shook her head, and then she smiled, remembering. “He had a crush on me when we were kids. But Averil was perfect for him.”

“And you, Tana?” Russell Carver looked searchingly at her. “Who was perfect for you? Who has there been? Who was the love of your life?” It was an odd question to ask, but he had the feeling that there had been someone. It was impossible that a girl like this should be unattached. There was a mystery there, and he couldn't find the answer to it.

“No one.” She smiled at him. “Some hits, some misses … the wrong people mostly. I haven't had much time.”

He nodded. He understood that too. “You pay a price for getting where you are. It can be a very lonely place sometimes.” He wondered if it was for her, but she looked content to him. He wondered who there was in her life now, and he asked her as much, in so many words.

“I've been seeing someone for the last few years, more than that actually, I guess. We lived together for a while. And we still see each other,” she smiled wistfully and looked into Russ's dark eyes, “but things aren't what they used to be. ‘The price you pay,’ as you put it. Things haven't been the same since I got appointed to the bench last year … and then Harry died … it's made a lot of dents in us.”

“Is it a serious affair?” He looked both concerned and intrigued.

“It was for a long time, but it's limping badly now. I think we're still together out of loyalty.”

“You're still together, then?” He watched her face carefully, and she nodded. She and Jack had never really called it quits. At least not yet, although neither of them knew what the future would bring.

“We are for now. It suited us both for a long time. We had the same philosophy. No marriage and no kids. And as long as we both agreed on that, it worked pretty well.…”

“And now?” The big dark eyes were probing hers and she looked at him, suddenly hungry for his touch, his hands, his lips. He was the most attractive man she'd ever seen, but she had to reproach herself. She still belonged to Jack … didn't she? She was no longer quite so sure.

“I don't know. Things have changed for me since Harry died. Some of what he said makes me wonder about my own life.” She looked hard at Russ. “I mean is this it? Is this all there is? I go on from here, with my work … with or without Jack,” Russ gathered who she meant, “and that's all? Maybe I want more of a future than that. I've never felt that way before, and suddenly I do. Or at least I wonder about it sometimes.”

“I think you're on the right track.” He sounded worldly and wise, and in some ways he reminded her of Harrison.

She smiled at him. “That's what Harry would say.” And then she sighed. “Who knows, maybe it doesn't matter anyway. Suddenly it's all over, and then so what, who cares, you're gone…”

“It matters all the more then, Tana. But I felt that way too after my wife died ten years ago. It's difficult to adjust to something like that, it forces the realization on us that we have to face our own mortality one day. It all counts, every year, every day, every relationship, if you're wasting it, or unhappy where you are, one day you wake up, and it's time to pay the check. So in the meantime, you might as well be happy where you are.” He waited a moment and then looked at her. “Are you?”

“Happy?” She hesitated for a long time and then looked at him. “In my work, I am.”

“And the rest?”

“Not very, right now. It's a difficult time for us.”

“Am I intruding, then?” He wanted to know everything, and sometimes it was difficult to answer him.

She shook her head and looked into the brown eyes she was coming to know so well. “No, you're not.”

“You're still seeing your friend … the one you lived with for a while?” He smiled at her and he looked terribly sophisticated and grown up. She felt almost like a child with him.

“Yes, I still see him off and on.”

“I wanted to know how things stand with you.” She wanted to ask him why, but she didn't dare. Instead, he took her to his house, and showed her around. It took her breath away, from the moment they walked into the front hall. Nothing about him bespoke that kind of wealth. He was simple, easy, quietly well dressed, but when you saw where he lived, you understood who he was. It was a house on Broadway, in the last block before the Presidio, with small, carefully kept grounds, a marble entrance hall in inky green and sparkling white, tall marble columns, a Louis XV chest with a white marble top and a silver tray for calling cards, gilt mirrors, parquet floors, satin curtains sweeping the floor. The main floor was a series of exquisite reception rooms. The second floor was more comfortable, with a large master suite, a pretty wood-panelled library, a cozy little den with a marble fireplace, and upstairs were the children's rooms he no longer used.

“It doesn't make much sense for me anymore, but I've been here for so long, I hate to move.…”

There was nothing she could do but laugh as she sat down and looked at him. “I think I'll burn my house down after this.” But she was happy there too. This was just another life, another world. He had need of this and she did not. She remembered hearing now that he had considerable personal wealth, knew he had owned a profitable law firm a number of years ago. The man had done well in his life, and he had nothing to fear from her. She wanted nothing from him materially. He showed her proudly from room to room, the billiard room and the gym downstairs, the racks of guns he kept for duck hunting. He was a whole man, of many interests and pursuits. And as they went back upstairs, he turned to her and took her hand with a small, careful smile.

“I'm very taken with you, Tana.… I'd like to see rriore of you, but I don't want to complicate your life just now. Will you tell me when you're free?” She nodded, totally amazed by all that she had seen and heard. A little while later, he took her home, and she sat staring into the fire in her living room. He was like the kind of men one read about in books, or saw in magazines. And suddenly there he was, on the threshold of her life, telling her that he was “taken with her,” bringing her roses, walking her through Butterfield's. She didn't know what to make of him, but one thing she knew, and that was that she was “very taken” with him too.

It made things difficult with Jack for the next few weeks. She attempted to spend several nights in Tiburon, almost out of guilt, and all she could think about was Russ, especially when they made love. It was beginning to make her as testy as Jack was with her, and by Thanksgiving she was a nervous wreck. Russ had gone East to see his daughter Lee, and he had invited her to go with him, but that would have been dishonest of her. She had to resolve the situation with Jack, but by the time the holidays came, she felt hysterical every time she thought of him. All she wanted to do was be with Russ, for their quiet talks, their long walks in the Presidio, their ventures into antique shops, art galleries, their long hours over lunch in tiny coffee shops and restaurants. He brought something into her life that had never been there before and which she longed for now, and whenever a problem arose, it was Russ she called, not Jack. Jack would only bark at her. He still had a need to punish her, and it was tiresome now. She wasn't feeling guilty enough to put up with it anymore.

“Why are you hanging on to him?” Russ asked her one day.

“I don't know.” Tana stared miserably at Russ over lunch before court was recessed for the holidays.

“Maybe because in your mind he's attached to your friend.” It was a new idea to her, but she thought it might be a possibility. “Do you love him, Tan?”

“It isn't that … it's that we've been together for so long.”

“That's no excuse. From what you say, you're not happy with him.”

“I know. That's the crazy part. Maybe it's just that it's been so safe.”

“Why?” He pushed her hard sometimes, but it was good for her.

“Jack and I have always wanted the same things … no commitment, no marriage, no kids…”

“Is that what you're afraid of now?”

She took a breath and stared at him. “Yes … I think I am.…”

“Tana,” he reached out and took her hand. “Are you afraid of me?” Slowly, she shook her head, and then he said what she had both feared and wanted most. She had wanted it since they'd met, since she'd first looked into his eyes. “I want to marry you. Do you know that?” She shook her head, and then stopped and nodded it, and they both laughed, she with tears in her eyes.

“I don't know what to say.”

“You don't have to say anything. I just wanted to make things clear for you. And now you have to clear up the other situation, for your own peace of mind, whatever you decide about us.”

“Wouldn't your daughters object?”

“It's my life, not theirs, isn't it? Besides, they're lovely girls, there's no reason for them to object to my happiness.” Tana nodded her head. She felt as though she were living a dream.

“Are you serious?”

“Never more so in my life.” His eyes met hers and held. “I love you very much.” He hadn't even kissed her yet, and she felt herself melting toward him where they sat. And as they left the restaurant, he gently pulled her towards him and kissed her lips, and she felt as though her heart would melt as he held her in his arms.

“I love you, Russ.” The words were suddenly so easy for her. “I love you so much.” She looked up at him and there were tears in her eyes and he smiled down at her.

“I love you too. Now go straighten out your life, like a good girl.”

“It may take a little time.” They walked slowly back towards City Hall. She had to go back to work.

“That's all right. How about two days?” They both laughed. “We could go to Mexico over the holidays.”

She cringed. She had already promised Jack she would go skiing with him. But she had to do something now. “Give me till the first of the year and I promise I'll straighten everything out.”

“Then maybe I'll go to Mexico alone.” He frowned pensively and she glanced worriedly at him. “What are you worried about, little one?”

“That you'll fall in love with someone else.”

“Then hurry up.” He laughed at her, and kissed her again before she went back to court. And all afternoon she sat on the bench with a strange expression in her eyes, a small smile on her lips. She couldn't concentrate on anything, and when she saw Jack that night, she felt breathless every time she looked at him. He wanted to know if she had all her skiing gear. The condo was rented and they were going with friends, and then suddenly halfway through the evening, she stood up and looked at him.

“What's wrong, Tan?”

“Nothing … everything.…” She closed her eyes. “I have to go.”

“Now?” He looked furious. “Back to town?”

“No.” She sat down and started to cry. Where could she begin? What could she say? He had finally driven her away, with his resentment of her work and her success, his bitterness, his unwillingness to commit. She wanted something now that he didn't have to give, and she knew she was doing the right thing, but it was so difficult. She stared unhappily up at him, sure of what she was doing now. She could almost feel Russ sitting next to her, and Harry on the other side, cheering her on. “I can't.” She looked at Jack and he stared at her.

“Can't what?” He was mystified. She wasn't making any sense and that was unusual for her.

“Can't go on like this.”

“Why not?”

“Because it's no good for either of us. You've been pissed at me for the past year, and I've been miserable.…” She stood up and walked across the room, glancing at familiar things. This house had been part hers for two years, and now it looked like a stranger's house to her. “I want more than this, Jack.”

“Oh, Christ.” He sat down, looking furious. “Like what?”

“Like something permanent, like what Harry and Averil had.”

“I told you, you'll never find something like that. That was them. And you're not like Averil, Tan.”

“That's no excuse to give up. I still want someone for the rest of my life who's mine, who's willing to stand up in front of God and man and take me on for the rest of my life.…”

He looked at her, horrified. “You want me to marry you? I thought we agreed.…” He looked terrified but she shook her head and sat down again.

“Relax, we did, and that isn't what I want from you. I want out, Jack, I think it's time.” He was silent for a long, long time, he knew it too, but it hurt anyway. And it spoiled all his plans for the holidays.

He looked up at her. “This is why I believe what I do. Because sooner or later it comes to an end. And it's easier like this. I pack my bag, you pack yours, we say goodbye, and we hurt for a while, but at least we never lied to each other, and we're not dragging along a flock of kids.”

“I'm not even sure that would be so terrible. At least we'd know how much we'd cared.” She looked sad, as though she had lost someone dear to her, and she had. She had cared about him for a long time.

“We cared a lot, Tan. And it was good.” There were tears in his eyes and he came to her and sat down. “If I thought it was right, I'd marry you.”

“It wouldn't be right for you.” She looked at him.

“You'd never be happy married anyway, Tan.”

“Why not?” She didn't want him to say that. Not now. Not with Russ standing in the wings, wanting to marry her. It was like putting a curse on her. “Why would you say a thing like that?”

“Because you're not the type. You're too strong.” She was stronger than he was, she knew. But she had only come to understand that recently, mostly since she had known Russ. He was so different from Jack. So much stronger than anyone she had known before. And stronger than she was. Finally. “You don't need marriage anyway,” he smiled bitterly, “you're married to the law. That's a full-time love affair for you.”

“Can't one have both?”

“Some can. You can't.”

“Did I hurt you that much, Jack?” She looked woefully at him and he smiled and stood up, opened a bottle of wine, and handed her a glass, and somehow she felt as though she had never known this man. Everything was so bitter, so shallow. Nothing in him ran deep, and she wondered how she could have stayed with him for so long, but it had suited her. She hadn't wanted depth during those years. She had wanted to be as free as he did. Only now she had grown up, and as much as the challenge Russ offered terrified her, she wanted it, wanted it more than anything she'd ever done before. She looked into Jack's eyes and smiled at him as he toasted her.

“To you, Tan. Good luck.” She drank, and a moment later she set down her glass and looked at him.

“I'm going now.”

“Yeah. Call me sometime.” He turned his back to her, and she felt a knife of pain slice through her. She wanted to reach out to him, but it was too late. For both of them. She touched his back and whispered one word.

“Goodbye.”

And then she drove home as fast as she could, took a bath and washed her hair, as though she were washing away the disappointments and the tears. She was thirty-eight years old and she was starting all over again, but in a way she never had before, with a man like no man she had ever known. She thought of calling him that night but her mind was still filled with Jack, and she was suddenly afraid to tell Russ that she was free. She didn't say anything to him until their lunch the day he left for Mexico, and then suddenly she looked at him and smiled mysteriously.

“What are you grinning at, Funny Face?”

“Just life, I guess.”

“And that amuses you?”

“Sometimes. I … uh … er.…” He was laughing at her and she was blushing furiously. “Oh, shit. Don't make things so hard for me.”

He took her hand in his and smiled at her. “What are you trying to say?” He had never seen her so tongue-tied before.

She took a deep breath. “I straightened things out this week.”

“With Jack?” He looked amazed as she nodded her head with a shy smile. “So soon?”

“I couldn't go on like that.”

“Was he very upset?” Russ looked concerned.

She nodded, looking sad for a moment, “Yes, but he wouldn't admit it. He likes to keep everything easy and free.” She sighed jaggedly, then, “he says I'd never be happy married to anyone.”

“That's nice.” Russ smiled and showed absolutely no concern. “When you move out, be sure to burn the house down. It's an old custom with some men. Believe me, it doesn't mean a thing. I'll take my own chances, thanks.” Russ smiled ecstatically at her.

“Do you still want to marry me?” She couldn't believe what was happening to her, and for just a minute … just a minute … there was the temptation to run back to her old life, but that wasn't what she wanted anymore. She wanted this … and him … she wanted both marriage and a career, no matter how frightening it was to her. It was a chance she had to take. She was ready now. It had taken her a long, long time, but she had gotten there and she was proud of herself.

“What do you think? Of course I do.” He reassured her at once and his eyes smiled at her.

“Are you sure?”

“Are you? That's more to the point.”

“Maybe we should talk about this for a little while?” She was suddenly very nervous at the thought and he laughed at her.

“How long? Six months? A year? Ten years?”

“Maybe more like five.…” She was laughing, too, and then suddenly she looked at him. “You don't want children, do you?” She hadn't gone that far. She was too old for that, but he only shook his head and grinned at her.

“You worry about everything, don't you? No, I don't want children. I'll be fifty years old next month and I already have two. And no, I will not have a vasectomy, thanks, but I'll do anything else you want to guarantee that I won't knock you up. Okay? Want me to sign it in blood?”

“Yes.” They were both laughing and he paid the check and they walked outside and he held her as no man had ever held her before, pulling her heart right through her soul, and she had never been happier. And then suddenly he looked at his watch, and hurried her to his car. “What are you doing?”

“We have a plane to catch.”

“We do? But I can't … I'm not…”

“Is your court recessed over the holidays?”

“Yes, but…”

“Is your passport in order?”

“I … yes … I think it is.…”

“We'll check when I get you home … you're coming with me … we can plan the wedding there … I'll call the girls … what do you think about February … say in about six weeks? … Valentine's Day? … corny enough for you, Tan?” He was crazy and she was crazy about him. They caught the plane to Mexico that night, and spent a blissful week soaking up the sun, and making love at last. He had waited until she had broken things off with Jack for good. And when they returned he bought her an engagement ring, and they told all their friends. Jack called her when he read it in the papers, and what he said cut her to the quick.

“So that was what that was all about? Why didn't you tell me you were shacked up with someone else? A justice too. That must be a step up for you.”

“That's a rotten thing to say … and I wasn't shacked up with him.”

“Tell that to someone else. Come to think of it,” he laughed bitterly, “tell it to the judge.”

“You know, you've been so damn busy trying not to get involved with anyone all your life that you don't know your ass from a hole in the ground anymore.”

“At least I know when I'm cheating on someone, Tan.”

“I wasn't cheating on you.”

“What were you doing then, fucking him at lunch-time, it doesn't count before six o'clock?” She had hung up on him, sorry that it had to end that way. And she had written to Barbara, too, explaining that her marriage to Russ was precipitous, but he was a lovely man, and when she came out to see her father the following year, the door to Tana's home would be open to her as it had been before. She didn't want the girl to feel that she was pushing her away. And there were so many other things to do too. She wrote to Averil in London, and her mother almost had a heart attack when she called her.

“Are you sitting down?”

“Oh Tana, something's happened to you.” Her mother sounded on the verge of tears. She was only sixty years old, but mentally she was twice that, and Arthur was getting senile now at seventy-four, which was hard on her.

“It's something nice, Mother. Something you've waited for, for a long, long time.”

Jean stared blankly at the far wall, holding the phone. “I can't imagine what it is.”

“I'm getting married in three weeks.”

“You're what? To whom? That man you've been living with for all these years?” She never thought much of him, but it was about time they took a decent position in the world, especially with Tana being a judge. But she was in for a shock.

“No. To someone else. A justice on the court of appeals. His name is Russell Carver, Mom.” She went on to tell her the rest and Jean cried, and smiled and laughed and cried some more.

“Oh, sweetheart … I've waited so long for this.”

“So have I.” Tana was laughing and crying too. “And it was worth waiting for, Mom. Wait till you see him. Will you come out for the wedding? We're getting married on February fourteenth.”

“Valentine's Day … oh, how sweet.…” It still embarrassed Tan but it seemed funny to both her and Russ. “I wouldn't miss it for the world. I don't think Arthur will be well enough to come, so I can't stay long.” She had a thousand arrangements to make before she left, and she could hardly wait to get off the phone. Ann had just gotten married for the fifth time, and who gave a damn anymore? Tana was getting married! And to a justice on the court of appeals! And she said he was handsome too, Jean dithered around the house for the rest of the afternoon, in a total state, and she had to go into the city to Saks the following day. She needed a dress … no … maybe a suit … she couldn't believe it had happened finally. And that night she whispered silent prayers.

The wedding was absolutely beautiful. They had it at Russ's house, with a piano and two violins playing something delicate from Brahms as Tana came slowly down the stairs in a simple dress of off-white crepe de chine. She wore her blond hair long, covered by a wide-brimmed picture hat, with a faint hint of veil, and ivory satin shoes. There were roughly a hundred people there, and Jean stood in a corner and cried ecstatically for most of the day. She had bought a beautiful beige Givenchy suit, and she looked so proud it made Tana cry every time she looked at her.

“Happy, my love?” Russ looked at Tana in a way that made her heart fly. It seemed impossible that she could be lucky enough to find a man like him, and she had never dreamed of anything like what she shared with him. It was as though she had been born to be his, and she found herself thinking of Harry as she walked down the aisle. “Okay, asshole? Did I do good?” She smiled through her tears.

You did great! She knew that Harry would have been crazy about Russ, and it would have been mutual. And she felt Harry very much there with her. Harrison and Averil sent a telegram. Russ's daughters were there too. They were both slender, attractive, pleasant girls, with husbands that Tana liked. They were an easy group to love, and they did everything to welcome her. Lee was particularly warm in her reception of her new stepmother, and they were only twelve years apart in age.

“Thank God he had the sense to wait until we grew up before marrying again.” Lee laughed. “For one thing, the house is a hell of a lot quieter now, and for another thing, you don't have to put up with us. He's been single for so long, Beth and I are grateful as hell that you married him. I hate to think of him alone in this house.” She was a little bit zany, and wonderfully dressed in her own designs. She was clearly crazy about Russ, nuts about her own husband, and Beth doted on her entire family. It was the ideal group, and as Jean looked at them, she was suddenly grateful that Tana hadn't been foolish enough to fall for Billy, in the years when she was pushing that. How sensible Tana had been to wait for this extraordinary man to come along. And what a life. The house was the most beautiful place she'd ever seen. And Tana felt totally at ease with the butler and the maid he'd had for years. She floated from room to room, entertaining his friends, as people said “Your Honor” to her, and somebody else cited a funny poem about a justice and a judge.

It was a wonderful afternoon, and they went back to Mexico for their honeymoon, returning via La Jolla and Los Angeles. Tana had taken a month's leave from work, and when she returned she smiled to herself whenever she said her new name. Judge Carver … Tana Carver … Tana Roberts Carver.… She had added his name to everything, none of this women's lib crap for her. She had waited thirty-eight years for him, almost thirty-nine, and resisted marriage for almost four decades, and if she had taken the plunge now, she was going to enjoy all the benefits. She came home every night, relaxed and happy to see him. So much so that he teased her about it one night.

“When are you going to start behaving like a real wife and nag me a little bit?”

“I forgot, I guess.” He smiled at her, and they talked about her house again. She had been thinking about renting it. It was so pretty that she didn't want to sell it, yet she knew she would never live there again. “Maybe I should just sell it after all.”

“What if I rent it from you for Beth and John when they come home?”

“That would be wonderful.” She smiled at him. “Let's see … you can have it for two kisses and … a trip to Mexico.…” He laughed at her, and eventually they decided to keep the house and rent it out and Tana had never been happier in her life. It was one of those rare times when everything feels in total control, going just the way you want, when she ran full tilt into someone one day. She was hurrying from her courtroom to meet Russ for lunch, and suddenly found herself staring into Drew Land' face. He looked as though someone had just struck oil on his front lawn when he saw who she was, and they stood chatting amiably for a minute or two. It was incredible to realize how much pain he had caused her once. As she looked at him, she could barely even imagine it. It was even more amazing to realize that Julie and Elizabeth were eighteen and twenty-two. “Good lord, is it as long ago as that?”

“It must be, Tan.” His voice was smooth, and suddenly she was annoyed by him. She could see from his eyes that he was making assumptions that were no longer appropriate, and hadn't been for a long, long time. “Eileen and I have been divorced for six years now.” How dare he tell her that … how dare he have gotten divorced after hurting Tan so much for her.…

“That's too bad.” Her voice was cool, and she was losing interest in what he said. She didn't want to be late for Russ. She knew he was working on an important case.

“Gee … I wonder if … maybe we could see each other sometime. I'm living in San Francisco now.

She smiled at him. “We'd love to see you sometime. But my husband is just buried in a big case right now.” She smiled almost evilly at him, waved her hand with a few garbled words, and was gone. And Russ could still see the victory in her eyes when he met her for lunch at the Hayes Street Grill. It was one of their favorite haunts, and she often met him there, to kiss at a corner table, and neck happily over lunch, while people smiled at them.

“What are you looking so pleased about?” He knew her very well.

“Nothing…” And then, she kept no secrets from him, she couldn't have anyway. “I just ran into Drew Lands for the first time in almost seven years. What a bastard he is. I guess he always was, the weak little shit.”

“My, my, what did he do to deserve so many epithets?”

“He was the married man I told you about…”

“Ah!” Russ looked amused at the fire in her eyes. He knew he was in no danger of losing her to anyone, not because he was so sure of himself, but because he knew the kind of love they shared. It was one of those rare, rare things in life, and he was deeply grateful for it. He had never had a love like this before with anyone.

“And you know what? He finally divorced his wife.”

“Predictably.” Russ smiled. “And now he wanted to take you out again. Right?”

She laughed at him. “I told him we'd love to see him sometime, and then I skibbled off.”

“You're a little witch. But I love you anyway. How was court today?”

“Not bad. I have an interesting case coming up, an industrial injury. It's going to be messy but it brings up some very intriguing points and technicalities. How's your monster case coming along?”

He smiled at her. “I'm finally getting it back into its cage. And,” he looked at her strangely for a minute, “I had a call from Lee.”

“How is she?”

“Fine.” He looked at his wife, and she looked at him. There was something odd in the air.

“Russ, what's wrong?” She was worried about him. He looked strange.

“It's happened. They've finally done it to me. I'm going to be a grandfather.” He looked at once delighted and distressed and Tana laughed at him.

“Oh, no! How can she do a thing like that to you?”

“That's exactly what I said to her!” And then he smiled at Tana again. “Can you imagine that?”

“With difficulty. We'll have to buy you a white wig so you look the part. When is she having it?”

“January. For my birthday, apparently. Or New Year's Eve, something like that.”

As it turned out, the baby was born on New Year's Day, and Russ and Tana decided it would be a lark to fly to New York and visit her. He wanted to see this first grandchild of his, another girl, like his own two. And he reserved a suite for them at the Sherry Netherland, and off they went. Lee was happily ensconced at New York Hospital's Lying-in, in the best room they had, and the baby was sweet and pink, and Russell made all the appropriate noises and when they went back to the hotel, he made passionate love to his wife. “At least I'm not totally over the hill yet. How does it feel to make love to a grandfather, my love?”

“Even better than it was before.” But there was something odd in her eyes when she looked at him, and he saw it instantly. He grew very quiet and pulled her into his arms next to him, their naked flesh touching, and he loved to feel how velvety she was, but he was worried about her. Sometimes, when something mattered to her a lot, she burrowed deep inside herself and he could see her do it now.

“What's wrong, sweetheart?” He spoke in a whisper near her ear, and she turned toward him with a look of surprise.

“What makes you think something's wrong?”

“I know you better than that. You can't fool an old man like me. At least not one who loves you as much as I love you.” She tried to deny it for a long time, and then much to his astonishment, she broke down and cried in his arms. There was something about seeing Lee and her baby that had filled her with the most awful pain … an emptiness … a void more terrible than any she had ever known before. He sat looking at her, amazed at the emotions pouring out of her, and she was even more startled than he. She had never realized she felt that way before.

“Do you want a baby, Tan?”

“I don't know … I've never felt this way before … and I'm almost forty years old … I'm too old for that…” But suddenly she wanted that more than anything, and she was suddenly haunted by Harry's words again.

“Why don't you think about it, and we'll talk again.” And for the next month, the sight of Lee and her baby haunted her. And suddenly, after they went home, she began seeing pregnant women everywhere, and babies in strollers on every street corner; it was as though everyone had a baby except her … and there was an envy and a loneliness she couldn't even begin to describe. Russell saw it on her face, but he didn't mention it again until their anniversary, and then she was sharp with him, which was rare for her. It was almost as though it hurt too much to talk about.

“You said you were too old for that. And so am I.”

“Not if it matters to you. It might seem a little foolish to me at first, but I could live with it. Other men have second families at my age, older in fact … a lot older,” he smiled. And he himself had been surprised by how touched he was by Lee's baby in her arms, and then his own. He wouldn't have minded that at all. And Tana's child would have meant the world to him. But she got more and more sensitive about it, until finally he no longer mentioned it to her. In March, they went to Mexico again, and had a fabulous holiday. They swam and fished, and lay on the beach. Tana barely got turista that time, although she didn't feel well when she got back.

“I think you've been working too hard.” She had had the flu on and off for almost three weeks and he was insisting on her going to see the doctor finally.

“I don't have time for that.” But she was so tired and draggy and so frequently sick to her stomach that she finally went, and she got the shock of her life. It was what she had wanted so desperately, but now, suddenly it was there. And it terrified her. She didn't have time for that. She had an important job. She would look ridiculous … she had never wanted that.… Russ would be upset with her … she stewed so terribly that she didn't even go home until seven o'clock that night and Russ knew there was something terribly wrong the minute he laid eyes on her. But he let her unwind for a while, fixed her a drink, opened a bottle of Chateau Latour with their dinner, but she didn't drink a drop of it, and she was still tense when they went upstairs that night and there was an odd look in her eyes. He was actually getting very worried about her, and as soon as she sat down, he pulled a chair up next to her.

“All right, now tell me what happened to you today. You either lost your job or your best friend died.”

She smiled sheepishly and visibly relaxed as he took her hand. “You know me too well.”

“Then do me the favor of taking me into your confidence.”

“I can't.” She had already made up her mind. She wasn't keeping it. But Russ was not going to fool around. His voice rose ominously, the famous frown appeared, and her knees would have shaken if she didn't know him as well as she did. Instead she laughed at him. “You know, you're very scary when you look like that.”

He laughed exasperatedly at her. “That's the whole point. Now talk to me, dammit. What the hell is going on with you?”

She stared at him for a long, long time, lowered her eyes, and then raised them to his again. “You're not going to believe this, sweetheart.”

“You want a divorce.”

“No, of course not.” She smiled at him. Somehow he always made things less terrible. She had been hysterical all day, and now he had her laughing again.

“You're having an affair?”

“Wrong again.”

“You were kicked off the bench.”

“Worse than that.…” She was beginning to look serious again, because in her mind what had happened meant the same thing. How could she keep her job with that? And then suddenly there were tears in her eyes and she was looking at him. “I'm pregnant, Russ…” For a moment everything around them stopped and then suddenly he swept her into his arms and he was laughing and smiling, and acting as though it were cause for celebration and not suicide.

“Oh, sweetheart … I'm so glad.” He absolutely beamed at her and she stared at him.

“You are? I thought you didn't want any children.” She was stunned. “We agreed.…”

“Never mind. Our baby is going to be so beautiful … a little girl that looks just like you…” He had never looked happier and he held her close as she frowned unhappily. She had wanted this, but now that it had happened, she couldn't imagine it, except in the worst light.

“But it'll ruin everything.…” She was on the verge of tears again, and he was anxious to comfort her.

“Like what?”

“Like my job. How can I be a judge with a baby at my breast?”

He laughed at the image she had in mind. “Be practical. You work right up till the last day before it's born, and then you take six months off. We get a good nurse, and you go back to work.”

“As easy as that?” She looked shocked.

“It can be as easy as you want, my love. But there's no reason why you can't have a career and a family. It may take a little juggling sometimes, but it can be done with a little resourcefulness.” He smiled at her, and a long, slow smile began to dawn in her eyes. There was the possibility that he was right about that, and if he was … if he was … it was what she had wanted more than anything, and she wanted both. For years she had thought she could only have one.… But she wanted more than just her work … she wanted Russ … she wanted his child … she wanted everything … and suddenly the void she had been feeling for months, that ache, the terrible emptiness, was gone again.… “I'm so proud of you, sweetheart.” She looked at him, and the tears slowly overflowed as she smiled at him. “Everything is going to be just fine, you know … and you're going to look just wonderful.”

“Ha!” She laughed at him. “I've already gained six pounds.…”

“Where?” Tickling and teasing her, he began to look for them, and Tana lay in his arms and laughed.

The judge walked ponderously to the bench and sat down carefully, rapped the gavel smartly twice, and went on with the morning's calendar. Her bailiff brought her a cup of tea, at ten o'clock, and when she stood up at the noon recess, she could barely walk back to her chambers again. The baby was, by then, exactly nine days late. She had planned to stop working two weeks before, but she had everything so well organized at home that she had decided to work until the bitter end. Her husband picked her up right outside City Hall that night, opening the door smiling at her.

“How'd it go today?” The pride he felt showed easily in his eyes and she smiled back at him. It had been a beautiful time for them, even these extra days. She enjoyed the opportunity to spend these last days alone with him, although she had to admit that she was getting terribly uncomfortable. Her ankles looked like lamp posts by four o'clock in the afternoon, and she had trouble sitting for that long, but she didn't have anything else to do.

She sighed. “Well, the verdict is in. I think I might give it up at the end of this week, whether the baby shows up or not. What do you think?”

He smiled at her as he drove her home in the new Jaguar he had just bought. “I think that's a pretty good idea, Tan. You could sit around for a couple of days, you know.”

“Fancy that.”

But she never got time for that. Her water broke at eight o'clock that night, and she suddenly turned to Russ, terrified. She knew it was going to happen eventually, but suddenly it was now, and she had the overwhelming urge to run away, and there was no place to run. Her body would follow her everywhere. But Russ saw easily what she felt, and tried to comfort her.

“Everything's going to be just fine.”

“How do you know that?” She snapped at him. “What if I need a Caesarean? Christ, I'm a hundred years old, for chrissake.” Actually, she was forty years old plus four months. She suddenly looked at Russell and began to cry. She was terrified, and the contractions started almost as soon as her water broke.

“Do you want to lie down here for a while, Tan, or do you want to go to the hospital?”

“I want to stay here.” He called the doctor for her, brought her a glass of ginger ale, flipped on the television across from their bed, and smiled to himself. It was going to be a big night for them, and he also hoped that everything would go well. He was confident that it would, and he was particularly excited. She had insisted on their doing Lamaze training together, and although he hadn't been present at the birth of his girls so many years before, he was going to be with Tana for the birth of their child. He had promised her, and he could hardly wait. She had had the amniocentesis five months before, but they had opted not to know the sex of the child. And Russ could feel a mounting feeling of excitement now for both of them. By midnight, Tana had had a short nap, and she was in control again. She smiled up at him, and he timed her pains, and at two o'clock he called the doctor again, and this time they were told to come to the hospital. He picked her bag up from the hall closet where it had sat for the last three weeks, helped her into the car, and out again at the hospital, and helped her to walk inside. She could hardly walk now, and the contractions took all her concentration and his help, just to get her through them, but they were nothing like the pains she felt once she went into transition three hours after that. She was writhing in pain on the bed in the labor room, and she was clutching at his arm, as he felt his own panic begin to rise. He hadn't expected it to be quite like this, she was in such agony, and by eight o'clock the baby still hadn't come. The sun was up, and she lay there panting horribly, her hair damp, eyes wild, looking at him as though he could do something for her. And all he could do was breathe with her and hold her hand and tell her how proud he was of her, and then suddenly at nine o'clock everyone began to run around. They wheeled her into the delivery room, strapped her legs up, and she cried as the pains came now. It was the worst pain she had ever known in her entire life, and she felt as though she were drowning as she clutched at him, and the doctor urged her on, and Russell cried, and Tana knew she couldn't stand it anymore. She wanted to die … to die … to.…

“I can see the head … oh, God … sweetheart … it's here.…” And suddenly a tiny red face popped out, as Russell cried, and Tana looked at him and gave another ferocious push which forced the baby from her womb, and the doctor held him in his hands as the baby began to wail. They cut the cord, tied it, and cleaned him rapidly, suctioned his nose, wrapped him in a warm blanket, and handed him to Russ.

“Your son, Russ.…” The doctor smiled at them both. They had worked so hard and so long, and Tana looked at him victoriously now.

“You were wonderful, sweetheart.” Her voice was hoarse and her face was gray, as he kissed her tenderly.

“I was wonderful?” He was deeply impressed by what he had just seen her do. It was the greatest miracle he had ever seen. And at forty years of age, she had it all now. She looked at him. Everything she had ever wanted … everything … her eyes filled with tears as she reached out to him, and Russ gently put the baby in her arms, as he had once put it in her womb.

“Oh, he's so beautiful.…”

“No.” Russell smiled at her through his tears. “You are, Tan. You're the most beautiful woman in the world.” And then he looked at his son. “But he's pretty cute too.” Harrison Winslow Carver. They had long since agreed on that. He came into the world blessed in name, and life, and love.

They wheeled her back to her room a little before noon, and she knew she would never want to do it again, but she was glad she had this once. Russell stayed with her until she drifted off to sleep, the baby slept in the little bed they had left there for him, and Tana, all clean again and sleepy now and so much in love with him. She opened her eyes once, drifting from the shot they'd given her for the pain afterwards. “I love you so much, Russ.

He nodded, smiling again, his heart forever hers after tonight. “Shhh … sleep now … I love you too.

When baby Harry was six months old, Tana looked at her calendar with despair. She had to go back to work the following week. She had promised she would, and she knew it was almost time, but he was so sweet, and she loved spending the afternoons with him. They went on long walks, and she laughed when he smiled. They even dropped in on Russ at his office once in a while. It was a leisurely way of life she had never known, and she hated to give it up, but she was not yet ready to give up her career.

And once she was back on the bench, she was glad she hadn't given it up for good. It felt good to be back again. The cases, the verdicts, the juries, the decisions, the routine. It was incredible how fast the days flew by, and how anxious she was to come home at night, to Harry and Russ. Sometimes she would find Russ already at home with him, crawling around on the rug, and playing games with him. He delighted them both, and he was like the first child born on earth to them. Lee teased them about it when she came out to visit with Francesca, her little girl, and she was already expecting another one.

“And what about you, Tan?”

“Listen, at my age, Harry is enough of a miracle. Let's not push my luck, thanks.” And even though the pregnancy had been a breeze, the delivery had been more painful than she thought. Though, with time, even that didn't seem quite as awful as it once had. And they were both so happy with the baby. “If I were your age, I might, Lee, and even then … you can't have everything, a career and ten kids.” Not that it frightened Lee, though. She still had her job, and even now with the second one on the way, she was planning to work right till the end, and come back afterwards. She had just won the Coty Award and she wasn't giving that up. She didn't see why she should. She could do both, so why not?

“How was your day, sweetheart?” She threw her briefcase on a chair and bent to kiss Russ as he scooped the baby into his arms, as she glanced at her watch. She was still nursing him three times a day. Morning, evening, and late at night, and she wondered when his last feeding had been. She loved the closeness it gave her to the child, the silent moments in the nursery at three A.M. when only she and Harry were up. She had a sense of providing for his well-being which satisfied her too, and then there were other benefits as well. She'd been told that she was unlikely to get pregnant again as long as she was still nursing him. “Do you think it would matter if I did it till he's twelve?” she had asked Russ one day and he had laughed at her. They had such a good life, the two of them. It had been worth waiting for, no matter how long it took. At least she said that now. She had just turned forty-one, and he was fifty-two.

“You know, you look tired, Tan.” Russell was looking carefully at her. “Maybe the nursing is too much for you, now that you're back at work.” She fought the idea, but her body voted with him, as slowly, in the next few weeks, her milk dried up. It was as though her body didn't want to be nursing Harry anymore. And when she went to the doctor for a checkup, he weighed her, felt her, checked her breasts, and then said he wanted to do a blood test on her.

“Something wrong?” She glanced at her watch. She had to be back in court by two.

“I just want to check something out. I'll call you this afternoon.” On the whole, he had found her all right, and she didn't have time to worry about it. She rushed back to City Hall, and when her clerk signalled her at five o'clock, she had forgotten that she was expecting the doctor's call.

“He said he had to speak to you.”

“Thanks.” She took the phone, scratching some notes as she listened to him, and suddenly she stopped. That couldn't be. He had to be wrong. She had been nursing until the week before … hadn't she … she sat down hard in a chair, thanked him, and hung up. Shit. She was pregnant again. And Harry was wonderful, but she didn't want another one. She was too old for that … she had her career … this time, she had to get rid of it … it was impossible … she didn't know what to do. She had a choice, of course, but what would she say to Russ? Tell him she had aborted his child? She couldn't do that. She spent a sleepless night that night, resisting him when he asked her what was bothering her. She couldn't tell him this time. It was all wrong … she was too old … her career meant too much to her … but Lee was going to continue her career after her second child … or was it meaningless? Should she resign from the bench? Would the children mean more to her in the end? She felt torn ten thousand ways and she looked like a nightmare when she woke up. Russ looked at her over breakfast and didn't say anything to her at first. And then, just before he left, he turned to her.

“You busy for lunch today, Tan?”

“No … not that I know of…” But she didn't want to have lunch with him. She had to think. “There's some stuff I really should get off my desk.” She avoided his eyes.

“You have to eat. I'll bring sandwiches.”

“Fine.” She felt like a traitor not telling him, and her heart felt like lead as she went to work. She had dozens of small matters in and out of her court, and at eleven o'clock she looked up to see a wild-eyed man, with a mane of frizzy gray hair springing out of his head like watchsprings gone wild. He had planted a bomb in front of a foreign consulate, and the matter had to be set for trial. She began to go through all of the motions, and then suddenly stared at his name and looked up with a grin. And for no reason anyone understood in court, she had to disqualify herself. The man's name was Yael Mc-Bee, the wild-eyed radical lover she'd had in her last year of law school at Boalt. The boy who had gone to jail for bombing the mayor's house. She saw from his records that he had been in prison twice since then. How odd life was. So long ago … it brought Harry instantly to mind … and the funny little house they'd shared … and Averil so young then.… and the wild hippie commune she had visited with Yael. She looked across the court at him. He had grown old. He was forty-six years old now. A man. And still fighting for his causes in his unruly ways. How far they'd come, all of them … this man with his wild ideas. His documents said that he was a terrorist. A terrorist. And she was a judge. An endless road … and Harry gone, and all their bright ideas a little dim, some of them forgotten, so many gone … Sharon … Harry … and new lives in their places … her son, little Harry, named after her friend, and now this new baby in her womb … it was amazing how life went on, how far they came, all of them … She looked up and saw her husband, standing there, looking at her, and she smiled at him, and dismissed the matter of Yael McBee from her court, called a recess for lunch, and walked into her chambers with him.

“Who was that?” Russ looked amused. Her days were certainly livelier than his, and she began to laugh as she sat down.

“His name is Yael McBee, if that means anything to you. I knew him when I went to Boalt.”

“A friend of yours?” Russ looked at her sardonically and she grinned.

“Believe it or not, he was.”

“You've come a long way since then, my love.”

“I was just thinking that.” And then she remembered something else. She looked at him, hesitantly, wondering how he would react. “I've got something to tell you.”

He smiled gently at her. “You're pregnant again.”

She stared at him as he laughed. “How do you know? Did the doctor call you too?”

“No. I'm smarter than that. I figured it out last night, and I assumed you'd tell me eventually. Of course by now, you think your career is over, we'll have to give up the house, I'll lose my job, or we both will…” She laughed and tears came to her eyes as he smiled at her. “Am I right?”

“Perfectly.”

“And has it dawned on you that if you can be a judge with one child, you can be a judge with two? And a good judge at that.”

“That just occurred to me as you walked in.”

“My, my.” He leaned over to kiss her, and they exchanged a look that belonged only to them. “What do you know … ?” He kissed her and her clerk walked in and hastily backed out again, smiling to herself as Tana silently thanked her lucky stars for the road she'd come, the man she'd found … the decisions she had made … from a career and no man, no child, to having it all, the man, the career, and her son. She had added each one, like wildfiowers to a bouquet, until now she stood with full hands, full heart, having come full circle in the end.

a cognizant original v5 release october 16 2010

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Copyright © 1984 by Benitreto Productions, Ltd.

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