Hades

27 He Loves Me Not

IT was the early hours of the morning by the time the four of them made it back to the Easy Stay Inn. Although some color had returned to Molly’s face, she seemed overcome with exhaustion. Xavier looked equally worn-out and badly in need of sleep. Only my siblings remained as composed and pokerfaced as always. The only indication of the stress they’d just undergone was their rumpled clothing. Ivy’s strength seemed to have replenished by the time they got back, but I knew it had been a tough night for her. It must be frustrating, I thought. Her strength and power in the Kingdom was boundless. But from what I could see, the longer angels lingered on earth and mingled with humanity, the more finite their powers seemed to become.

At the first opportunity, Xavier disappeared to his room without saying a word to anyone. I wanted to follow him so we could be alone for a while. I imagined myself lying down beside him on the bed and pressing my head against his chest the way I used to do. I wanted to focus every shred of energy on letting him know I was there; to offer him what little comfort I could and let his presence comfort me. But Ivy and Gabriel were the ones planning the next move and I needed to stay put if I wanted to be kept in the loop.

“What’s with him?” Molly muttered as soon as Xavier shut the door behind him.

“I imagine he’s disturbed by tonight’s events,” Ivy said drily as she fitted her key into the lock. “He needs some time to process it.” I knew Molly’s naïveté irritated her sometimes.

For some reason, Molly was still purposelessly hovering beside my siblings. They both had the good grace not to ask what she wanted. Maybe she wanted out of the whole rescue mission. Maybe she’d taken on more than she bargained for and was ready to go home.

The bedroom door was painted a murky maroon color. With a heavy sigh Gabriel pushed it open and flicked the switches on the wall. The room was filled with a harsh amber light and the rattle of a defective overhead fan. The twin beds were covered in thin floral duvets with matching bedside tables and fringed nightshades. The carpet was a faded salmon color and curtains on a metal rod covered a single rectangular window.

“It has a certain charm,” Ivy said with an ironic smile. Although my siblings had grown used to the luxury of Byron, their surroundings were immaterial to them. They could’ve been in a luxury suite at the Waldorf Astoria for all the difference it made.

“I’m going to take a shower,” Ivy said, scooping up a bag of toiletries and disappearing into the bathroom. Molly watched her go, biting her lip and shifting anxiously from foot to foot. Gabriel’s penetrating eyes watched her patiently. They reminded me of a snowstorm — clear and pale and so full of depth that you could easily lose yourself in them. He removed his jacket and hung it on the back of a chair. The tight white T-shirt he wore accentuated his impossibly perfect physique. Molly couldn’t seem to tear her gaze away from his rippling body and the way the fabric strained across his defined chest. He looked superhuman, as if he could shoulder a car with minimal effort. That was probably because he could if the situation called for it.

The sound of water running through the old pipes filtered out from the bathroom and Molly immediately seized it as an opportunity to strike up a discussion.

“So, will Ivy be okay?” she asked awkwardly. It was clear she wasn’t there to talk about Ivy, but a more effective opening eluded her.

“Ivy is a seraphim,” Gabriel replied as if that settled the matter.

“Yeah,” Molly said. “I remember. And that’s pretty cool, right?”

“Yes,” said Gabriel slowly. “It is cool.”

Taking this as encouragement, Molly edged her way into the room and perched on the bed, pretending to examine her fingernails. Gabriel leaned against the doorway opposite her. If he’d been human he would have looked awkward or uncomfortable, but he was composed in every way. No matter what environment he found himself in, my brother always gave off an air of self-possession, as if he’d been there all his life. He stood with his hands folded behind his back and his head tilted slightly to one side as if he were listening to a silent internal melody. His attention seemed far from Molly, although I knew he was waiting for her to speak. He could probably hear her heart thumping in her chest, smell the sweat on the palms of her hands — even read her mind if he wanted to.

Molly raised her eyes nervously. “You were amazing today,” she said. Gabriel looked at her, perplexed by the compliment.

“I was doing my job,” he replied in his low, compelling voice.

I could tell by the expression on Molly’s face that his voice affected her in ways I couldn’t understand. It seemed like each word he spoke entered her body on a physical level. Molly shivered slightly and wrapped her arms around herself.

“Are you cold?” my brother asked. Without waiting for her answer he chivalrously lifted his jacket from the back of the chair and draped it around her shoulders. The thoughtful gesture seemed to move Molly to such an extent that she struggled to keep her eyes from misting up.

“No, really,” she insisted. “I always knew you were amazing, but today was different. You were like something out of this world.”

“That’s because I’m not from this world, Molly,” Gabriel replied evenly.

“But you’re still connected to it, right?” Molly pressed. “To people, I mean. Like Xavier and me?”

“My job is to protect people like you and Xavier. I wish you only health and happiness …”

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Molly cut in.

“What are you saying?” He looked at her with the piercing intensity of someone determined to understand a way of reasoning that was not his own.

“It’s just that I think you could want more. These last few days I’ve been sensing that like … maybe … you might have felt …”

I sprang onto the bed and knelt beside Molly. I tried to send out a message of caution, but she was too absorbed in Gabriel’s presence to notice I was there with her.

No, Molly, don’t do it. You’re smarter than this. Think about it. Gabriel isn’t what you want him to be. You’re about to make a huge mistake. You only think you know him. You’ve imagined there’s more to it than there really is. If you’re hurting now, this will only make things worse. Go and talk to Xavier first. Wait a while — you’re tired. Molly, listen to me!

Gabriel turned his head slowly to look at her. The movement was almost robotic. His face was cast in shadow from the dim motel light, but his hair still glowed as it fell gently around his cheekbones like strands of gold and his eyes were a forever-shifting haze of silver and ice blue.

“Maybe I felt what?” he asked curiously.

Molly sighed in exasperation and I knew she’d had enough of dropping hints. She stood up so she was standing directly in front of him. With her mermaid tumble of curls, wide blue eyes, and dewy skin she looked as enticing as ever. Most men would not have had the willpower to resist her.

“You act like you don’t have feelings, but I know you do!” she said confidently. “I think you feel a lot more than you let on. I think you could love someone, even fall in love with someone if you chose to.”

“I’m not sure what you’re trying to say, Molly. I value human life,” Gabriel said. “I wish to defend and protect My Father’s children. But the love you speak of … I know nothing of that.”

“Stop lying to yourself. I can see through you.”

“And what exactly do you think you see?” Gabriel raised an eyebrow and I realized he had an inkling of where the conversation was headed.

“Someone’s who’s just like me,” Molly cried. “Someone who wants to be in love but is too scared to let it happen. You care about me, Gabriel — admit it!”

“I’ve never denied caring for you,” Gabriel said gently. “Your well-being is important to me.”

“It’s more than that,” Molly insisted. “It has to be! I feel something incredible between us and I know you must feel it too.”

Gabriel leaned forward. “Listen to me carefully,” he said. “You have somehow gotten the wrong idea about me. I’m not here to …”

Before Gabriel could finish, Molly leapt forward and closed the distance between them. I saw her arms reach around his waist and her fingers close over his T-shirt. I saw her stand on the tips of her toes and strain up toward him. I saw her eyes close in a moment of pure ecstasy as their lips met. She kissed him fervently, longingly, intoxicated by him. Her body ached for his touch and she pressed herself against him. She trembled with the intensity of it, her whole body straining to get closer to him. The room became charged with a strange energy, and for a moment I thought something would ignite between them that would blast through the walls of the motel room. Then I saw Gabriel’s face.

While he hadn’t moved away from Molly, he wasn’t returning her kiss. His arms remained rigidly by his sides, his mouth unresponsive, refusing to meld with hers. Molly might have been kissing a waxwork for all the response she drew from him. Gabriel let her continue for a moment before gently disengaging himself from her grasp. She fought him for a second then staggered back and sank down on the bed.

“No, Molly. This can’t happen.”

Gabriel only looked saddened by her display of affection. He wore a thoughtful frown, looking at Molly the same way he looked at all mortal dilemmas he needed to solve. He’d worn the same expression when they’d stopped to talk to Earl at the gas station and again when he’d inspected the grooves on the front porch of the Abbey. His clear eyes were serious as he grappled for a solution to a problem he had not before encountered. A strange look crossed Molly’s face as his indifference finally dawned on her. Her forehead creased as she tried to make sense of the overpowering attraction she felt that seemed to be strictly one-way. I could tell she couldn’t quite believe it and I noted the exact moment when humiliation replaced her passion. Blood rushed to her cheeks and she squirmed under Gabriel’s inquisitive gaze.

“I can’t believe I got it so wrong,” she murmured. “I never do that.”

“I’m sorry, Molly,” Gabriel said. “I apologize if I’ve said or done anything to mislead you.”

“Don’t you feel anything?” she asked more angrily. “You must feel something!”

“I do not possess human sentiment,” Gabriel said and then thought to add, “nor does Ivy.” Maybe he hoped it’d make Molly feel better to know that her advances would be lost on my sister as well. If so, it didn’t have the desired effect.

“Quit acting like you’re a robot or something,” she snapped.

“If that’s how you’d prefer to think of me …” Gabriel trailed off.

“It’s not!” Molly burst out. “I’d prefer to think of you as real, not some tin man who doesn’t have a heart.”

“My heart is nothing but a vital organ pumping blood around this body,” Gabriel explained. “I lack the capacity to give the love you speak of.”

“What about Beth?” Molly asked. “She loves Xavier and she’s one of you.”

“Bethany is an exception,” Gabriel conceded. “A rare exception.”

“Why can’t you be an exception too?” Molly insisted.

“Because I am not like Bethany,” Gabriel said in a matter-of-fact voice. “I am not young and inexperienced. There is something in Bethany’s makeup, a flaw or a strength, that allows her to feel what humans feel. I do not have that in my programming.” I was too caught up in the mounting tension to wonder whether or not I ought to be offended.

“But I’m in love with you,” Molly whimpered.

“If you think you love me, then you don’t know what love is,” Gabriel said. “Love has to be reciprocated for it to be real.”

“I don’t understand,” Molly said. “Am I not hot enough for you or something?”

“Now you’re just proving my point,” Gabriel sighed. “A body is merely a vehicle. The deepest emotions are experienced through the soul.”

“So it’s my soul that isn’t up to your standards then?”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“What’s wrong with you?” Molly exploded. “Why don’t you want me?”

“Please try to accept what I’m saying.”

“Are you saying no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, you’ll never feel that way about me?”

“I’m saying you’re behaving like a child because that is what you are.”

“So it’s because you think I’m too young,” Molly said desperately. “I can wait. I can wait until you feel ready. I’ll do whatever you need.”

“Stop,” Gabriel said. “This discussion is over. I cannot give you the answer you want to hear.”

“Tell me why.” Molly’s hysteria was rising. “Tell me what’s wrong with me that you won’t even consider me!”

“You should leave now,” Gabriel’s voice had gone flat. He was no longer trying to console her.

“No!” Molly shouted. “Tell me what I did!”

“It’s not what you did.” Gabriel’s tone became harsher. “It’s what you are.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Molly choked out.

“You are human.” My brother’s eyes flashed. “It’s in your nature to be lustful, greedy, envious, deceitful, and proud. All your life you will fight against those instincts. My Father gave you free will, He chose you to rule His earth and look what you have done with it. This world is in ruins and I am here only to restore His glory — I have no other purpose and no other interest. Do you think I am so weak as to be seduced by a doe-eyed human who is barely more than a child? I am different from you in every possible way. I can only try to understand your ways and never, not in a thousand years, will you come close to understanding mine. So that is why, Molly, your efforts here are useless.”

Gabriel watched impassively as tears began to flow, mingling with Molly’s mascara and smudging her cheeks. She wiped them away furiously with the backs of her hands.

“I …” Her hiccups caused her to stutter. “I hate you.”

She looked so vulnerable then I wished I could have done something to show her she wasn’t alone. If I’d been there, I would have also liked to kick my brother in the shins for his lack of sensitivity.

“For your sake,” Gabriel said distantly, “perhaps hate is better than love.”

“It doesn’t matter to you, either way,” Molly sobbed. “I don’t matter.”

“That is not true,” Gabriel said. “If your life is being threatened, that is my concern. If you are in danger, if anyone is ever harming you, you may depend on me to protect you. But in matters of the heart, I cannot help you.”

“You could at least try. You could challenge your so-called programming the way Beth did and see what happens! How can you know what you might feel?”

She was so passionate in her conviction that I almost hoped Gabriel’s heart would melt. But he only lowered his eyes as if he had committed a grievous sin.

“For your information God wants people to be happy,” Molly went on defiantly. I had the sense that she was trying to build a case like she’d seen in school debates. “Go forth and multiply, right? I remember that much from Sunday School.”

“Those directions were given to man,” Gabriel said very quietly.

“So you don’t get to be happy? You can’t want a life?”

“It’s not question of wanting. It’s more a question of design,” Gabriel said, and Molly looked defeated. “You need someone to love you the way you deserve. I promise to watch over you every day of your life.” His voice was tender. “I’ll make sure you’re always safe.”

“No!” Molly was yelling like a spoiled child now. “That’s not what I want.” She shook her head vehemently, causing some of her copper curls to come loose and fall across her pale face. Molly was too caught up in her whirlwind of emotions to notice, but Gabriel’s expression seemed to shift as he watched her. On his face, I read a compulsive desire to reach out to her — this strange, tumultuous creature that he did not understand. His hand twitched and he slowly lifted it, like he might be about to brush away her tears.

Then Ivy stepped into the room wearing a bathrobe. She looked surprised by the commotion and Gabriel quickly dropped his hand, his face returning to its usual impassive mask. A moment later Molly bolted from the room, silent tears still streaming down her face.

Ivy shot him a sympathetic look. “I wondered how long it’d be before that conversation happened.”

“You knew? Why didn’t you say something? It might have helped me handle it better.”

“I doubt that,” said Ivy with quiet insight. If there was anyone who could hope to understand Gabriel it was her. While he remained complex and unreadable to people and angels alike, Ivy had always had the uncanny ability to read his thoughts.

“What should I do now?” It was rare for Gabriel to seek counsel on any matter, but the nature of teenage love was a complete mystery to him.

“Nothing,” Ivy replied. “These things happen. She’ll get over it.”

“I hope so,” my brother replied in a voice that made me wonder if it was only Molly he was thinking about.

Ivy lay down and turned out the light. Gabriel sat on the edge of his bed, chin cupped in his hand, staring into the darkness. He sat there, unmoving, long after Ivy had fallen asleep.