Heartbeat

“There's nothing to talk about, unless you've changed your mind.” It was almost childish the way he kept insisting that she get an abortion, “or else.”

“So now what? We live like this forever and I send you an announcement when the baby is born?” She was being facetious, but he wasn't.

“Maybe so. I thought we should wait awhile, to see if you feel any differently in the next few weeks. And if you decide to … to go ahead …then I'll start looking for an apartment.”

“You're serious, aren't you?” She still couldn't believe it.

“I am. And I think you know that. You know me well enough to know that I'm not going to play games for long, Adrian. Make up your mind and let me know so we can both get on with our lives. This isn't healthy for either of us.” She couldn't believe it. He wanted to be notified as soon as possible so he could start dating and look for an apartment. She just couldn't believe it.

“It certainly isn't healthy. And it will certainly be interesting to explain to your son or daughter.” But the barb didn't hit its mark. He didn't seem to care what she told them.

“Why don't we let it rest for a few weeks and you can let me know how you feel by then. I'm going to New York next week, and back to Chicago after that. In fact, I'm going to be traveling a lot in the next few weeks. Why don't we leave it until mid-June. That gives you a month to figure out what you want to do.” She wanted to kill herself, that was what she wanted to do … or kill him …she didn't want to wait until June while he decided whether or not he wanted to divorce her.

“You're really ready to throw away two and half years over a temper tantrum?”

“Is that all you think it is? Then you don't understand very much, do you, Adrian? It's a question of life's goals, and yours and mine are apparently very different.”

“You're right, I'm not willing to sell my soul, or my child, for a new stereo and a trip to Europe. This isn't a game show we're talking about. This is our lives, and our child. I keep saying that to you, but I don't really think you hear me.”

“I hear you, Adrian. But I don't agree with what you're saying. I'll talk to you in a few weeks.” And then, “Call me if you have a change of heart in the meantime.”

“How will I find you?” And what if there was an emergency or if she needed him? He was still her next of kin on all her papers. That made her feel panicky too. Everything did. She felt totally abandoned.

“Call my office, they'll know where I am.”

“Lucky them,” she said sarcastically.

“Don't forget my razor.”

“Yeah …sure …” He hung up then and she sat in her kitchen for a long time, thinking of what he had said, and wondering if she'd ever known him. She was beginning to doubt it.

She brought the razor to the office that day and the next day it was gone. He had picked it up that night and hadn't left so much as a note for her, but she didn't say anything about it to anyone. Not even Zelda. And she hadn't told anyone at work that Steven had left her. It was too embarrassing. And when they got back together in a few weeks, it would be less awkward if no one had known he'd been gone, except Zelda.

And when Zelda heard about the call, she assured Adrian that he would come to his senses in no time.

But in the meantime, the weekends were endless. He didn't call, and suddenly Adrian realized that she was so used to being with him that she didn't know what to do without him anymore. And Zelda had her own life to lead. She had a new twenty-four-year-old boyfriend, who was a model. And as concerned as she was about Adrian, she was busy with her own life, and Adrian didn't want to be a bother.

It was quiet while Adrian knew Steven was away, and in some ways it was restful. She stopped expecting to hear from him, or to run into him. She didn't lie in bed hoping he'd come to the apartment to pick something up, or turn up in her office to tell her that he'd been a fool and he was desperately sorry. She knew he was back in Chicago by then, and she hadn't heard from him in weeks, but maybe when he came back, they could finally sort things out and get back to the business of living.

In the meantime, she felt as though everything was on hold. She worked, she ate, she slept, she didn't go anywhere, she didn't go out. She didn't even go to a movie. She'd been back to see the doctor once, and he told her the pregnancy was progressing well, and everything was normal. Everything except the fact that her husband had left her, she thought to herself. But she was relieved that the baby was all right. It had come to mean everything to her now, it was all she had left …one tiny little being to love … a being who wasn't even born yet. She got so lonely once or twice, she was even tempted to call her parents, but she resisted the urge, and she had lunch at work with Zelda from time to time. At least she knew, and Adrian could talk about the baby.

She ran into Bill Thigpen at work, too, and now that they had officially met, they seemed to run into each other everywhere, in the elevator, the parking lot, and they had even run into each other again at the Safeway. She had run into him at the apartment complex, too, and he didn't tell her he had seen her husband leaving their town house several weeks before with a staggering amount of luggage. He knew he had to be going somewhere but he didn't ask where, and Adrian didn't mention it when they saw each other at the pool. Instead they talked for a long time about favorite books and movies they had loved, and he told her about his children. It was obvious that he was crazy about them and she was touched by the way he spoke about them.

“They must be very important to you.”

“They are. They're the best thing in my life.” He smiled at Adrian, admiring her as she put on more suntan oil. She looked happier than she had when he'd run into her before, and somehow more peaceful, but she still seemed very quiet. He wondered if she was always like that, or if she was just a little shy with strangers.

“You don't have kids, do you?” He assumed she hadn't, because he had never seen any with her, and she hadn't mentioned it, and she would have surely said something if she had children. Most people in the complex didn't. There were a few couples with newborns, but usually they moved out and bought larger homes after they had babies.

“No.” She seemed to hesitate and he looked at her, wondering if there was more to the story. “No, we don't. I …we …we've both been pretty busy working.”

He nodded, wondering what it would really be like to be friends with her. He hadn't been friends with a woman in a purely platonic way in a very long time, and in an odd way, there were times when she reminded him of Leslie. She had the same kind of seriousness and intensity, the same decent values about many things. And Bill found himself wondering more than once if he would like her husband. Maybe they could all be friends. All he had to do was forget that he thought she was sensational-looking and had a really sexy body.

He forced himself to look into her eyes then and discuss her future in the newsroom. It was one way to forget how she looked in her bathing suit, and the fact that he would have given anything to lean over and kiss her.

“When is your husband coming back?” he asked conversationally, and she looked startled by the question. She hadn't known that Bill knew he was gone. Maybe she'd said something, she thought, as she wondered.

“Pretty soon,” she said quietly. “He's in Chicago.”

And when he came back, they were going to try and settle, once and for all, the matter of their marriage. It was no small thing, and she was both dreading his return and looking forward to it. She was dying to see him, but she was also dreading telling him that she had had no change of heart about the baby. The baby was part of her now, and it was going to stay that way, until it was born. And she knew Steven wasn't going to be happy to hear it.

She heard from Steven finally the second Monday in June, at nine o'clock, almost the moment she got to the office. Her secretary said he was on the line, and she pounced on it. She had waited almost a month for his call, and there were tears in her eyes when she heard his voice, she was so happy. But he didn't sound friendly, He asked how she was, and seemed to be asking pointedly about her health. She knew what he wanted to know and she decided to face it squarely.

“Steven, I'm still pregnant, and I'm going to stay that way.”

“I thought so,” and then, “I'm sorry to hear that.” It was a cruel thing for him to say but it was honest. “You haven't changed your mind, then?”

She shook her head as the tears spilled from her eyes and rolled slowly down her cheeks. “No, I haven't. But I'd love to see you.”

“I don't think that's such a good idea. It'll just confuse both of us.” Why was he so afraid of her? Why was he doing this? She still didn't understand it.

“What's a little confusion between friends?” She laughed through her tears, and tried to keep things light, but they just weren't.

“I'll move my things out in the next few weeks. I'll start looking for an apartment.”

“Why? Why are you doing this? Why don't you come home for a while? Just try it.” They had never had a problem getting along, never had fights, never had a problem adjusting when they were first married. Just this. Their baby. And suddenly it was all over.

“There's no point torturing ourselves, Adrian. You've made your decision, now let's just do our best to pick up the pieces and move on.” He acted as though she had betrayed him, as though the fault was all hers and he had been decent and reasonable. She wondered if he was actually going to call a lawyer. “What do you want to do about the condo?” Their town house? What did he mean, what did she want to do with it? She was going to live there while she had their baby.

“I was planning to live there, do you have any objection?”

“Not now. But I will eventually. We should both get our money out of it, and then we can each buy something else, unless you want to buy my half from me,” but they both knew she couldn't afford it.

“How soon do you want me to move?” He was putting her out on the street, and all because she was pregnant.

“There's no rush. I'll let you know if I want to make any moves in that direction. For the moment, I just want to rent.” How nice. How wonderful for him. She felt sick as she listened to him. There was no fooling herself anymore. He was leaving her. It was over. Unless afterward …after the baby was born, he came back and realized how wrong he had been. There was always some small hope of that. She wouldn't believe he was really gone until he had seen their baby and then told her he didn't want it. She was willing to wait until then, no matter how neurotic he got in the meantime. And even if he divorced her, they could always get remarried later.

“Do whatever you want,” she said calmly.

“I'll be by to get my things this weekend.” In the end, he came the following week because he'd had the flu, and Adrian watched mournfully as he packed everything he owned into boxes.

It took him hours to pack it all, and he had rented a small truck that he'd brought with him, and a friend from the office to help him load it. And it was embarrassing for her just being there. She had been so happy to see him at first, but he had been cool and maintained his distance.

She went out for the afternoon when they loaded the truck and she just stayed in her car and drove so she didn't have to watch, or say good-bye to him again. She couldn't stand the pain of it anymore, and he seemed anxious to avoid her.

She went home after six o'clock, and she saw that the truck was gone. She let herself in, and her breath caught as she looked around. When he had said he was going to “take everything,” he had meant it. He had taken everything that was technically his, everything he had owned before, and everything he had paid for, or given her even some of the money for, since they'd been married. She started to cry without meaning to. The couch and chairs were gone, the cocktail table,the stereo, the breakfast table, the kitchen chairs, every single thing that had once hung on the walls. There was not a single chair in the living room, and when she went upstairs the only thing left in the bedroom was their bed. All her clothes from the chest of drawers had been carefully folded and put in boxes. The chest itself was gone, as were all the lamps and the comfortable leather contour chair. All his toys and gadgets and devices. She no longer owned a television set, and when she went into the bathroom to blow her nose, she found that he had even taken her toothbrush. She started to laugh at the absurdity of it then. It was insane. He had taken everything. She had nothing left. It was all gone. All she had left was her bed and her clothes, the living room rug, a few odds and ends, which he'd carefully left on the floor, and the set of china she'd had when they were married, most of which was now broken.

There had been no discussion, no argument, no conversation about what belonged to whom, or who wanted what. He had simply taken all of it, because he had paid for most of it, and because he felt it was his and he had a right to. As she walked through the downstairs rooms again, she reached into the refrigerator for something to drink, and found that he had taken all the sodas. She started to laugh again then. There was nothing else she could do. And she was still looking around in amazement when the phone rang. It was Zelda.

“What's up?”

“Not much.” Adrian looked around her ruefully. “In fact, absolutely nothing.”

“What does that mean?” But she wasn't worried this time. Adrian sounded better than she had in a long time. She almost sounded happy for once. But she wasn't. She was just beyond being depressed anymore. It had all gone too far, and maybe all she could do was laugh now.

“Attila the Hun has been here. Plundering and looting.”

“You've been robbed?” Zelda sounded horrified.

“You could call it that, I guess.” Adrian laughed and sat down on the floor next to the phone. Life had become very simple. “Steven picked up the rest of his things today. He left me the rug and the bed, and he took everything else, including my toothbrush.”

“Oh, my God. How could you let him do that?”

“What do you think I should have done? Gone after him with a shotgun? What am I supposed to do, fight for every dishtowel and hairpin? To hell with it. If he wants it all, he can have it.” And if he ever came back, which she suspected he might one day, he would bring it all back anyway, not that it really mattered. She was beyond fighting over coffee tables and couches.

“Do you need anything?” Zelda asked sincerely, and Adrian could only laugh.

“Sure. Do you happen to have a vanload of tables and chairs, a couple of dozen dishes, some tablecloths, a chest of drawers, some towels …oh, and don't forget a toothbrush.”

“I'm serious.”

“So am I. It doesn't matter, Zelda. He wants to sell this place anyway.” Zelda couldn't believe it, neither could Adrian. He had taken everything. But she had kept the only thing that mattered to her. Their baby. She was in surprisingly good spirits in spite of everything and it was only the next day that it hit her. She lay by the pool for a long time, thinking of him, and wondering how their life had managed to fall apart so quickly. Something must have been wrong from the start, something essential must have always been missing, in him perhaps, if not in their marriage. She thought of the parents and siblings he had walked out on years before, the friend he had betrayed, with never a look back. Maybe there was a part of him that just didn't know how to love. Otherwise it wouldn't have been possible for everything to fall apart the way it had. It just couldn't have …but it had. In a matter of weeks, their marriage had ended. It depressed her to think about it now, but she had to face the fact that he was gone. She had to make a new life for herself, but she couldn't even begin to imagine how. She was thirty-one years old, she had been married for two and a half years, and she was pregnant. She was hardly dating material, and she didn't want to go out with anyone anyway. She didn't even want to admit to anyone that Steven had left her. She kept telling everyone that Steven was away. Because it hurt too much and it was too embarrassing to say that he had left her. And when Bill Thigpen turned up at the pool that afternoon with a quizzical look and asked if they were moving out, she flinched visibly and said they were selling their furniture and buying everything new, but even to her something about the way she said it didn't sound convincing.

“It looked like great stuff,” he said cautiously as he watched her as they lay by the pool. And there had been something about Steven's face that had reminded him of Leslie when she left him. But Adrian looked perfectly happy as she lay by the pool. She had a book in her hands, and she was holding it upside down as she felt her heart ache, thinking of Steven.

THE WEEK THAT STEVEN MOVED OUT, ADRIAN FELT as though she were in a dream. She got up, she went to work, she went home at night, and every night when she got there, she expected to find him. He would have come to his senses by then. He'd be mortified, apologetic, aghast at what he'd done, and they'd both laugh and go upstairs to bed and make up, and ten years hence he would tell their child how absurd he had been when she told him she was having a baby.

But when she got home at night, he wasn't there. He never called. And she sat on the floor of her living room at night, trying to read, or pretending to shuffle papers.

She had thought about buying new furniture as soon as he left. But she decided not to, in case he came back, which she still thought he would. And what was the point of having two sets of furniture for one apartment?

She kept the answering machine on most of the time, but she listened to the calls when they came in.They were never Steven, but usually friends, or her office, and lately more often than not it was Zelda. But Adrian didn't feel like talking to her either. Her only concession to keeping her life afloat was going to work and coming home. She felt like a robot getting up and going to work every day, and then coming home, making herself something to eat, and going back for the eleven o'clock news. She felt as though she were on an endless treadmill. There was a blind look of pain in her eyes day after day, and it hurt Zelda to see her like that, but even she couldn't help her. She still couldn't believe what Steven had done, or that he really meant it. But when Adrian tried to call him, his secretary always said he was away, and Adrian wasn't sure if he was or not. There was still that panicky feeling of what would happen to her if she really needed him, but she didn't for the moment, and she knew she just had to sit tight until he came to his senses.

It was Friday of the Fourth of July weekend when she ran into Bill Thigpen at the Safeway again. She had just finished the late news, and she had realized that she had nothing in the house for the next day, and she was off for the whole weekend. He was juggling two carts, and they were filled with charcoal, two dozen steaks, several packages of hot dogs and some ground meat, buns, rolls, and an assortment of things that looked as though he was preparing a picnic.

“Hi,” he said as they collided in the aisle where he was picking up two huge containers of ketchup. “I haven't seen you all week,” he teased, and he realized as he saw her that he had missed her. There was something so fresh and appealing about her face that he liked just looking at her, and the intensity of her smile always warmed him. “How's the news?”

“The same. Wars, earthquakes, explosions, tidal waves, the usual stuff. How are things on A Life?” The thought that he was involved with a soap opera still amused her.

“Same as the news …wars …tidal waves …earthquakes …explosions …divorce …illegitimacy …murder …the usual happy stuff. Maybe we're both really in the same business.”

She smiled at him then. “Yours sounds like more fun.”

“It is …sometimes …” He had been lonely since Sylvia left the show, but he had to admit that it was stupid. She had been fun to be with from time to time, and they had provided each other with something comfortable and easy. But the truth was that she didn't really improve the quality of his life, nor he hers, and she was better off with her clothing manufacturer in New Jersey. She had sent a postcard to the cast after she'd left, rhapsodizing about the house Stanley had just bought her. And looking back, he felt foolish now, for being with her. He felt that way now about most of the women he'd gone out with. And he had decided to turn over a new leaf, to get involved only with women who really meant something to him, but the trouble was that most of the women he met just didn't. He met a lot of actresses through his work, a lot of women who just wanted to get laid in exchange for a great part, or an opportunity to appear on his show. They considered it a fair exchange, and the attitude was hardly conducive to high romance. As a result, he hadn't been out with anyone in over a month, and he didn't really miss it. He missed having someone to talk to late at night, someone to bounce his ideas off for the show, someone to share his joys and sorrows with. But he hadn't had that with Sylvia anyway. In fact, he hadn't had that since Leslie.

“Are you coming to the barbecue tomorrow night?” he asked Adrian hopefully. He liked chatting with her, and he was curious about her husband. She had told him he was in advertising, but to Bill he looked more like an actor. But he hadn't seen him in almost two weeks, since he'd loaded all their furniture into a van and removed it. “The Fourth of July barbecue at our apartment complex is my biggest annual culinary moment. You really shouldn't miss it.” He waved at the things in his cart and grinned at her. “I do it every year, previously by popular demand, nowadays out of habit. But I make a great steak.” He smiled again. “Did you come last year?” He couldn't remember seeing them, although he knew he would have. He wouldn't have forgotten a girl who looked like her, or maybe he had just been distracted.

But she shook her head. “We usually go away. I think last year we were in La Jolla.”

“Are you going away again?” He looked disappointed.

She shook her head. “No …I …Steven …my husband is out of town again. In Chicago.” The words came out awkwardly, and Bill looked surprised.

“Over the Fourth of July? That's a bummer. What are you doing while he's gone?” He wasn't being fresh, he was just being friendly. They had enjoyed chatting by the pool several times. And he knew she was married, and he understood that.

“Nothing much,” she said vaguely, looking nervous.

“Come to the barbecue, then. I'll fix you a famous steak a la Thigpen.” She smiled at the look on his face, he looked so eager, and she really liked him.

“I …I'm having dinner with friends.” She smiled, but her eyes were sad again and he saw it. “Maybe next year.”

He nodded, and noticed the clock on the wall behind her. It was twelve-thirty at night, and they were chatting as though it were ten in the morning. “I guess I ought to get the rest of my stuff,” he said regretfully. “Come by if you change your mind. Bring your friends. I've got enough for an army.”

“I'll try.” But she had no intention of going to the barbecue as she shopped for the rest of her groceries. She remembered seeing a sign-up sheet in her mail weeks before, but she had thrown it out. She had other things on her mind at that point, and she didn't regret it. The last thing she wanted was to hang around a bunch of lonely singles at the complex. She had her own life to lead, and she was not interested in cultivating new relationships, or dating. She was married, and all she had to do was wait for Steven to come to his senses. It was just a matter of time, she was sure of it. And when he came back, they could concentrate on having the baby. In the meantime, she had put that on a back burner too. She hardly ever thought of it. She had made her decision and gone ahead with the pregnancy, but now she put it out of her head as much as possible. And it was still easy to ignore for the moment, except for an occasional moment of queasiness, and an increased appetite the rest of the time, and some fatigue, she could just about forget that she was pregnant. Nothing showed, and she was only three months pregnant. And all she needed to think about was her work, and waiting for Steven. When he left, at first, she had told herself that it was all over, that he would never come back, and if he did, their relationship would be permanently damaged. But in the past two weeks, she had managed to convince herself that it was a temporary lapse, a moment of insanity in the otherwise healthy life of their marriage. She refused to believe that the fact that he never called, that he wouldn't take her calls whenever she called him, and that she hadn't heard from him since he'd removed everything he owned from their condo was a sign that he felt the marriage was truly over.

She caught a glimpse of Bill again in the checkout line, with three carts loaded to the brim trailing behind him. She carried her own meager purchases to the car, feeling sad again. She could fit a week's groceries into two bags now. Everything about her life seemed to have shrunk, ever since Steven had left her. And when she got home, the apartment seemed so ridiculously empty. She put her groceries in the fridge, turned off the lights, and went upstairs where the box spring and mattress still sat on her bedroom floor, and her clothes still sat in the boxes on the floor where Steven had left them. She lay in bed awake for a long time, thinking of him, and wondering what he was doing all weekend. She was tempted to call, to beg him to come home, to tell him she'd do anything …anything except an abortion. That wasn't the issue anymore. The issue was carrying on her life without a husband. It still surprised her to realize how lost she felt, how bereft and deserted. After two and a half years, she couldn't even remember what she used to do with herself to keep amused before they were married. It was almost as though she had never lived alone before, as though there had never been a life before Steven.

It was after three when she finally fell asleep, and almost eleven when she woke up the next morning. It was the one thing she seemed to do easily now. She could sleep all day if she had the chance. The doctor said it was because of the baby. The baby. The idea of it still seemed unreal. The tiny being who had cost her her marriage. And yet she still wanted it. Somehow it still seemed worth it.

She got up and showered, and made herself some scrambled eggs at noon, and then she paid some bills and did her laundry. She looked around the empty living room and laughed. It was certainly easy keeping house these days. There was nothing to straighten out, or dust, no spots to worry about on the couch, no plants to water, he had taken those too. All she had to do was make her bed and vacuum. And at two-thirty, she went out to the pool, and saw Bill busily preparing for the barbecue. He was conferring with two other men Adrian had seen before, and there were two women putting a big bowl of flowers on a long picnic table. This was obviously going to be an event, and she was almost sorry she wasn't going. She had nothing to do, and nowhere to go. Zelda was in Mexico with a friend, and all Adrian could think of to do was go to a movie.

She waved at him as she headed toward the pool, and lay floating in the hot sun for a long time and then she lay down on one of the lounge chairs on her stomach. And he came and sat down next to her a little while later, looking happy but exhausted.

“Remind me not to do this next year,” he said, as though they were old friends. But they were actually growing familiar just from running into each other regularly in all the same places. They lived and worked in the same place, and even bought their groceries at the same midnight market. “I say that every year.” He lowered his voice conspiratorially. “These people drive me crazy.”

She grinned as she looked at him. He was funny without meaning to be. And he looked wonderfully harassed, but he also looked as though he enjoyed it. “I bet you have fun doing it.”

“Sure I do. Sherman probably had a hell of a good time with the march on Atlanta. But it was probably a lot simpler to orchestrate than this.” He leaned closer to her so no one else would hear him. “The guys figure that maybe this year I should have bought lobster, they said I've done steak, burgers, and hot dogs for the last three years and it's getting old. The women think we should be having it catered. Christ, did you ever go to a catered picnic when you were a kid? I mean whoever heard of a catered hot dog for the Fourth of July?” He looked outraged and she laughed, the idea amused her. “Did you go to a Fourth of July picnic when you were growing up?”

She nodded. “We used to go to Cape Cod. When I was older we went to Martha's Vineyard. I loved it. There's nothing like that out here. That wonderful feeling of summer towns and perfect beaches and the kids you play with every summer and wait all year to see. It was great.”

“Yeah.” He smiled at his own memories. “We used to go to Coney Island. Ride the roller coaster and look at the fireworks. My father would do a great barbecue at night on the beach. When I was older, they had a house on Long Island and my mom did a real picnic in the backyard. But I always thought the Coney Island days were better.” He still had wonderful memories of the things he had done with his parents in his childhood. He had been an only child and he had been crazy about his parents.

“Do they still do that?”

“No.” He shook his head, thinking about them, but the memories were all tinged with warm feelings now, the grief was gone. The shock of losing them was long over. He looked at Adrian, he liked what he saw in her eyes, liked the way her dark hair fell over her shoulders. “They died. After they got the house on Long Island. A long time ago …” Sixteen years. He'd been twenty-two when his father died, twenty-three when his mother died a year later. “I think I do this whole Fourth of July production because of them. Maybe it's my way of saying I remember.” He smiled warmly at her. “It seems like most of us out here don't have families, we have girlfriends and kids and dogs and friends, but our aunts and uncles and parents and grandparents and cousins are all somewhere else. I mean, seriously, have you ever met anyone who grew up in L.A.? I mean someone normal, who doesn't look like Jean Harlow and is actually a guy who happens to be madly in love with his sister?” She laughed at him. He was so real, and so deep, and so solid, and at the same time he was lighthearted and funny. “Where are you from?”

She wanted to say L.A., but she didn't. “I'm from Connecticut. New London.”

“I'm from New York. But I hardly ever get back there. Do you get back to Connecticut sometimes?”

“Not if I can help it.” She grinned. “It stopped being fun right about the time they stopped going to Martha's Vineyard, when I went to college. My sister lives there, though.” She and her kids and her incredibly boring husband. It was so hard to relate to any of them, and ever since she'd married Steven, she didn't even try. She knew she had to tell them about the baby one of these days, though, but she wanted to wait until Steven came home, after he came to his senses. It would be just too complicated to explain that she was pregnant and he was gone, let alone why, all of which was why she was trying to put the pregnancy out of her mind for the moment.

“It's too bad you can't make it tonight,” he said forlornly. She nodded, embarrassed about the lie, but it was just easier not to go. She got in the pool and swam again, and he went back to his preparations for dinner, and a little while later he went back to his apartment to marinate the steaks. The barbecue sounded like a big production.

And at five o'clock she went back to her apartment and lay on the bed and tried to read. But she couldn't concentrate. Lately it was hard to do that most of the time, there were just too many things on her mind. And as she lay there, she could hear the sounds of the barbecue going on. At six o'clock people started to arrive. There were music and laughter, and she could hear what sounded like about fifty people. She went out on her deck after a while, where she could hear the noise and smell the food, but they couldn't see her, and she couldn't see them. But it all sounded very festive. There was the clinking of glasses, and someone was playing old Beatles albums and music from the sixties. It sounded like fun, and she was sorry she hadn't gone. But it was too awkward to explain why Steven wasn't there, even though she had said he was in Chicago on business. But it was embarrassing going out alone. She hadn't done it yet, and she wasn't ready to start. But smelling the food was making her desperately hungry. She finally went back downstairs and looked in her fridge, but nothing looked as good as what she smelled, and all of it was too much trouble to cook. She was suddenly dying for a hamburger. It was seven-thirty and she was absolutely starving. She hadn't eaten anything since breakfast, and she wondered if she could just slip into the group, grab something to eat, and disappear again. She could always write Bill Thigpen a check later for what she owed for participating in the dinner. There was no harm in that. It wasn't really like going out. It was just eating. Like going to a fast-food place, or Chinese takeout. She could even grab a hamburger and bring it back. She didn't have to hang around for the party.

She hurried upstairs again, looked in the mirror in her bathroom, combed her hair, pulled it back and tied it with a white satin ribbon, and then she slipped on a white lace Mexican dress she and Steven had bought on a trip to Acapulco. It was pretty and feminine and easy to wear, and hid the tiny bulge that didn't show but made it difficult to wear slacks or jeans now. But it still didn't show in her dresses. She put on silver sandals and big dangly silver earrings. She hesitated for just a moment before she went back downstairs. What if they all had dates, or if she didn't know anyone at all? But even if he had a date, at least she knew Bill Thigpen, and he was always easygoing and friendly. She went downstairs then, and a moment later, she was hovering at the edge of the crowd near one of the big picnic tables where the food was laid out. There were groups of people clustered everywhere, laughing and chatting and telling stories, some were sitting near the pool, with their plates on their laps, or drinking wine, or just relaxing and enjoying the party. Everyone looked as though they were having a good time, and standing at the barbecue in a red-and-white-striped shirt and white pants and a blue apron over them was Bill Thigpen.

Adrian hesitated, watching him, he was handing out steaks with a professional air, and chatting with everyone as they came and went, but he seemed to be alone, not that it really mattered. And she realized then that she didn't even know if he had a girlfriend, not that it really made any difference. But somehow she had assumed that he wasn't involved with anyone. He had always seemed so unencumbered. She walked slowly over to him, and his face broke into a broad smile as he saw her. He took it all in, the white lace dress, the shiny dark hair, her big blue eyes, she looked beautiful, and he was thrilled to see her. He felt like a kid, with a crush on a neighborhood girl. You didn't see her for weeks, and then suddenly you turn a corner, and there she is, looking gorgeous and you feel like a fool, stumbling all over yourself, and then she's gone again, and your whole world is over, until you meet again. Lately, he'd been beginning to feel as though his whole life, or the only worthwhile part of it, was just a series of chance meetings.

“Hi, there!” He blushed, and hoped she thought it was the heat of the barbecue. He wasn't sure why, but she was the first married woman he'd ever had a serious crush on. And it wasn't just that he liked looking at her. He liked talking to her too. The worst of it was that he liked everything about her. “Did you bring your friends?”

“They called at the last minute and said they couldn't make it.” She told the lie with ease, and looked up at him happily as he watched her.

“I'm glad … I mean …yeah, actually, I am glad.” And then he pointed to the meat he was cooking. “What can I do for you? Hot dog, hamburger, steak? I recommend the steaks myself.” He tried to cover what he felt with ordinary pastimes, like cooking dinner. He really did feel like a kid every time he saw her. But so did she. And the funny thing was, all she wanted to do was talk to him. He was always so easy to be with and to talk to.

She had been dying for a hamburger a few minutes ago, but suddenly the steaks looked terrific. “I'll have a steak please. Rare.”

“Coming right up. There's lots of other stuff over there on the table. Fourteen different kinds of salad, some kind of cold soufflé, cheese, Nova Scotia salmon, I don't do anything with that stuff. I'm the barbecue specialist, but go take a look and by the time you get back, I'll have your steak for you.” She did, and he noticed that she had piled her plate with the salads and shrimp and other things she had found at the buffet table. She had a healthy appetite, which was surprising, given how thin she was. She was obviously very athletic.

He put the steak on her plate, offered her some wine, which she declined, and she went to sit near the pool, and he hoped she'd still be there by the time he finished cooking. It was half an hour later when he finally decided he'd done his bit, everyone had been served, and most of the guests had had seconds. Another man, from a condo near his, offered to take over for him, and Bill gladly accepted and went to find Adrian, happily polishing off dessert, as she sat quietly by herself, listening to the people chatting around her.

“How was it? It couldn't have been too bad.” The steak had disappeared, along with everything else she'd had on her plate. She looked embarrassed and laughed self-consciously.

“It was delicious. And I was starving.”

“Good. I hate to cook for people who don't eat. Do you like to cook?” He was curious about her, what she was like, what she did, how happy she was with her husband. It shouldn't have mattered to him, but it did.He could hear alarm bells go off in his head, and he was telling himself to stop, but another, stronger, voice told him not to.

“Sometimes. I'm not very good. I don't have much time to cook.” And no one to cook for. Now, at least. But Steven wasn't much of an eater anyway. He had always preferred just making a salad.

“Not if you do both shows on the evening news. Do you come home between shows?” He wanted to know everything about her.

“Most of the time. Unless there's something really dramatic going on and I can't get out between shows. But generally I come home around seven and go back around ten or ten-thirty. Then I'm home again around midnight.”

“I know.” He smiled. That was usually when they ran into each other in the Safeway.

“You must keep pretty long hours too.” She smiled. She was toying with the apple pie on her plate, embarrassed to devour it while he watched her.

“I do. Some nights I just sleep on the couch at the office.” It made him great company, as any number of women would have been happy to tell her. “Our scripts change so fast sometimes, it shifts everyone's position in the show. It's kind of a ripple effect, and sometimes it's difficult to keep up with. But it's fun too. You ought to see the show sometime.” It sounded like fun to her and they talked about the show for a while, how it had started in New York ten years ago, and eventually he had moved it to California. “The hardest thing about coming out here was leaving my boys,” he said quietly. “They're such great kids. And I really miss them.” He had talked about them before, but there was still a lot about them she didn't know, just as there was about their father.

“Do you see them much?”

“Not as much as I'd like to. They come out for school vacations through the year, and for about a month in the summer. They'll be here in two weeks.” His whole face lit up as he said it, and it touched her to see it.

“What do you do with them when they're here?” Working the way he did, taking care of two young children couldn't be easy.

“I work like a fiend before they come, and then I take four weeks off. I go in once in a while just to keep an eye on things, but basically, much as I hate to admit it, the show does fine without me.” He smiled almost sheepishly over the admission. “We go on a two-week camping trip, and we hang around here for about two weeks. And they love it. I could do without the camping trip. My idea of camping is a week at the Bel-Air Hotel. But it means a lot to them and they love getting grubby and uncomfortable and sleeping in the woods. Actually, we do that for about a week, and we stay at a hotel somewhere for the other week. Like the Ahwahnee in Yosemite, or we go up to Lake Tahoe. A week is about all I can handle in a tent and a sleeping bag, but it's good for us. It keeps me humble.” He laughed, and Adrian finished her apple pie as she listened. They were nervous with each other this time, but it wasn't so much nervous as a kind of excitement. This was the first time they had been together, intentionally, in a social setting.

“How old are they?”

“Seven and ten. They're great kids. You'll see them here at the pool. They think California is all about swimming pools. It's a lot different than Great Neck, outside New York, where they live with their mother.”

“Do they look like you?” Adrian asked with a smile, she could imagine him with two little teddy bear clones, just like him.

“I'm not sure. People say that the little guy does, but I think they both look like their mother.” And then, nostalgically, “We had Adam right away. And it was rough. Leslie had to stop dancing, my wife was a dancer on Broadway then. And I was really struggling. There were times when I really thought we'd starve, but we never did. And the baby was the best thing that ever happened to us. I think that's one of the few things we still agree on. Adam and the show happened at about the same time. I always felt that it was providence sending us what we needed for him, and for us. The show has been good to me for a long time.” He looked appreciative as he talked about it, as though he didn't really deserve it but had been very lucky, and he knew it. And it struck Adrian as she listened to him how different he was from Steven. His children meant a lot to him, and he was very modest about his success. The two men had very little in common. “What about you?” he asked her then. “Do you think you'll stay with the news?”

“I don't know.” She had wondered about that, too, and maybe when she took her maternity leave, she would have time to think about what she wanted to do with the rest of her life, other than being a mother.

“I think about starting another show sometimes. But I never seem to have time to think about it, let alone do it. A Life is still a full-time commitment.”

“Where do you get the ideas for it?” she asked, sipping at a glass of lemonade someone had poured her.

“God knows.” He smiled. “Real life, my head. Anything that comes to mind and seems to fit. It's all about the kinds of things that happen in people's lives, all poured into one pot and stirred around. People do the damnedest things, and get into the most incredible situations.” She nodded pensively. She knew exactly what he meant, and he was watching her expression. And when she looked up again, her eyes met his, and she looked as though she was about to say something, but she didn't.

The crowd was thinning by then, and people had come over to thank him several times. He seemed to know everyone, and he was always friendly and pleasant. She liked being with him and was surprised by how comfortable she was with him. She could imagine herself telling him almost anything. Almost. Except maybe about Steven. In some ways, she felt like a failure because he had left her.

“Would you like a drink?” he asked. He had been nursing the same glass of wine all night, and when she declined, he set it down, and poured himself a cup of coffee. “I don't drink very much,” he explained. “If I do, I can't work all night.”

“Neither can I.” She smiled. There were several young couples sitting nearby, talking and laughing and holding hands, and she felt lonely as she watched them. It suddenly brought it home to her that she was alone again. After building her relationship with Steven for the last five years, she was alone, and there was no one to hold her and love her.

“So when is your husband coming back?” he said easily, almost sorry that he was. He was a lucky guy, and Bill still wished that Adrian wasn't married.

“Next week,” she said noncommittally.

“And where is he again?”

“New York,” she answered quickly, and suddenly something struck Bill as she said it.

He looked at her quizzically. “I thought you said he was in Chicago.” He looked puzzled, and then backed off when he saw the look of panic on her face. Something had upset her terribly and he wasn't sure what it was, as she quickly changed the subject.

“This was a great idea,” she said as she stood up, looking around nervously. “I had a wonderful time.” She was leaving and he was desolate. He had frightened her off and he didn't want her to go. Without thinking, he reached out and took her hand, wanting to do anything to make her stay near him.

“Please don't go, Adrian …it's such a nice night, and it's so good being here, just talking to you.” He looked very young and very vulnerable and it touched her heart the way he said it.

“I just thought …maybe …you had other plans … I didn't want to bore you …” She looked uncomfortable, but he still didn't know why, as she sat down again and he kept her hand in his own, wondering what he was doing. She was married, and he didn't need the heartbreak.

“You don't bore me. You're wonderful, and I'm having a terrific time. Tell me about you. What do you like to do? What's your favorite sport? What kind of music do you like?”

She laughed. No one had asked her that in years, but it was fun talking to him, as long as he didn't press her about Steven. “I like everything …classical …jazz …rock …country … I love Sting, the Beatles, U2, Mozart. I used to ski a lot when I was growing up, but I haven't in years. I love the beach …and hot chocolate …and dogs …” She laughed suddenly. “And red hair, I've always wanted red hair,” and then suddenly she looked wistful. “And babies. I've always liked babies.”

“So have I.” He smiled at her, wishing that he could spend a lifetime with her instead of just an evening. “My boys were so cute when they were babies. I left when Tommy wasn't even a year old. It almost killed me.” And there was the memory of real pain in his eyes as he said it. “I'd like you to meet them when they come out in a couple of weeks. Maybe we could all spend an evening together.” He knew that if he and Adrian were going to be friends, he was going to have to make friends with her husband. It was the only relationship available to them, and he was willing to do that just to get to know her. And maybe her husband was nicer than he looked, although Bill considered it unlikely.

“I'd love to meet them sometime. When do you go on your camping trip?”

“In about two weeks.” He smiled. “Actually, we're driving up to Lake Tahoe, via Santa Barbara, San Francisco, and the Napa Valley. Then we'll camp for five days when we get there.”

“It sounds like a very civilized trip.” She had expected something a lot more rugged.

“I have to do it that way. Too much fresh air comes as a shock to my system.”

“Do you play tennis?” she asked hesitantly. It wasn't that she was comparing them, but she was curious. With Steven, it was almost a fixation.

“If you can call it that,” he apologized. “I'm not very good.”

“Neither am I.” She laughed, longing for another piece of apple pie, but she didn't dare go and get it. He was going to think she was a real pig if she ate any more, but the whole dinner had been delicious. The “cleaning-up” crew was putting things away, and it had grown dark as they sat by the pool. The crowd had thinned out even more, but she was enjoying his company and she hated to leave, although she was beginning to think that she should. And then suddenly, high in the sky, the fireworks began. They were being set off in a park nearby and they were beautiful as everyone stopped and watched, and Adrian watched, too, like a delighted child, as Bill smiled at her. She was so beautiful, and so warm and so gentle. She looked like a little girl with her face turned up to the sky, but a very pretty one, and he had an overwhelming urge to kiss her. He had had that urge before, but it was becoming more acute each time he saw her.

The show went on for half an hour and exploded finally with a wild shower of red, white, and blue that went on and on and on, seemingly forever. And then the sky went dark again, with only the stars high above, and the black powder left from the fireworks and the little wisps of smoke falling slowly to earth, as Bill sat close to her and caught a whiff of her perfume. It was Chanel No. 19 and he liked it.

“Are you doing anything this weekend?” he asked hesitantly, not sure how proper it was for him even to ask her. But they could be friends after all. As long as he controlled himself, there was no real reason why they couldn't be together. “I thought maybe you'd like to go to the beach or something,” since she had already told him that she liked beaches.

“I …well …I'm not sure …my husband might be coming home …” She was embarrassed, and yet she wanted to go, and she wasn't sure how to handle the invitation.

“I thought he was in New York … or Chicago …until next week. I'm sure he wouldn't mind. I'm very respectable. And it's better than sitting around here all weekend, as long as you're not working. We could go down to Malibu, I have friends who let me use a house there. They live in New York, and they just keep the place for the hell of it. I keep an eye on it for them. You'd enjoy it.”

“Okay.” She smiled at him, not sure why she was doing it. But there was something irresistibly comfortable and appealing about the man, and she stood up then, and prepared to go back to her own apartment. “I'd like that.”

“Does eleven sound about right?”

She nodded. It sounded perfect. But also a little scary. “I'll walk you back to your place.” He had taken the apron off long since, and he looked nice as he walked her back to her town house. And when she got to her front door, she unlocked it carefully, and opened it just a crack without turning the light on. She didn't want him to see how empty her place was.

“Thanks a lot, Bill. I had a wonderful time. Thank you for inviting me tonight.” It was a lot better than sitting at home, feeling sorry for herself and wondering what Steven was doing.

“I had a good time too.” He smiled, feeling happy and relaxed and contented. “I'll come by tomorrow around eleven.”

“That's all right. I can meet you at the pool.”

“You don't need to do that. I'll pick you up here.” He sounded firm and she looked nervous, as she prepared to leap through her front door before he could look inside it.

“Thanks again.” She gave him a last look, and then suddenly disappeared, like an apparition. One minute she was standing in front of him, and the next, she was inside, and the door was closed, and he wasn't sure how she'd done it. It was one of the fastest good-byes he'd ever said, and he walked slowly back to his own place, smiling.

BILL PICKED ADRIAN UP THE NEXT DAY AT PRECISELY eleven o'clock, and she was waiting outside when he came, in jeans, a big floppy shirt, a sun hat, and sneakers. And she was carrying a beach bag full of towels and creams and books and a Frisbee, and he laughed when he saw her.

“You look about fourteen in that outfit.” The shirt had been Steven's, but she had always loved it, and it covered the fact that her jeans were getting a little tight, but Bill seemed not to notice as he watched her.

“Is that a compliment or a reproach?” she asked comfortably. She was completely at ease with him as she started to follow him across the complex.

“A compliment. Definitely.” And then he stopped, he had forgotten something, as he turned to her. “Do you have any sodas at your place? I'm fresh out.” And everything was closed. It was Sunday. Sure.

“Why don't we grab some, in case we get thirsty.” She started back toward her place and he followed her, but when they got to her front door, she stopped, and glanced over her shoulder.

“I'll just run in and get them. Why don't you stay here with our stuff?” She acted as though she thought someone was going to run off with her beach bag.

“I'll come in and give you a hand.”

“No, that's okay. The place is a mess. I haven't had a chance to clean since Steven left …the other day, I mean …when he went to New York …” Was it New York or Chicago, Bill wondered, but he didn't say anything, because it was obvious she didn't want him to go in, so he didn't.

“I'll wait for you here,” he told her at the front door, feeling a little foolish. She left the front door unlatched, but closed so he couldn't see in. It was as though she was hiding something in her apartment. And a moment later, he heard a tremendous crash, and without thinking twice, he dashed inside to help her. She had dropped two soda bottles, and they had sprayed soda all over the kitchen. “Did you get hurt?” he was quick to ask with a worried glance, and she shook her head as he grabbed a towel and helped her clean the mess up.

“That was really stupid of me,” she said. “I must have shaken them without noticing, and then I dropped them.” It took them two minutes to clean it up, and he hadn't noticed anything unusual about the place, until she brought out more sodas and he realized there was no furniture in the kitchen. The place where a kitchen table might have been was empty and there was a lonesome stool sitting near a phone at the other end of the kitchen. And as they walked through the living room, it was almost eerie. There was no furniture anywhere, and there were marks on the walls where paintings had been, and then he remembered Steven loading furniture into a van almost two months before. She had said they were selling everything and buying new, but in the meantime, the apartment looked bare and depressing. But Bill didn't say anything, and she was quick to explain it. “We ordered a lot of new stuff. But you know what it's like. Everything is a ten- to twelve-week delivery. It'll be August before this place looks halfway decent again.” In truth, she hadn't ordered anything. She was still expecting Steven to come home with the old stuff he'd taken with him.

“Of course. I know how that is.” But something didn't ring true, and he wasn't sure what it was. Maybe they were too poor to buy furniture. Maybe it had all been repossessed. People in Hollywood lived like that. He had a lot of friends who did. And it was obvious that Adrian was embarrassed about something. “It's a nice, clean look,” he teased. “And it's easy to take care of.” She started to look embarrassed again and then he teased her gently. “Never mind. It'll look great when all the new things come.” But in the meantime, it certainly didn't. The place looked somehow abandoned.

And as soon as they left, they both forgot about it, and they had a wonderful time at the beach. They stayed until after five when it started to get cool, talking about theater and books, and New York and Boston, and Europe. They talked about children and politics and the philosophies behind both soap operas and news shows, the kinds of things he liked to write, and the short stories she had written in college. They talked about everything and they were still talking as they drove back to the complex in his woody.

“I am in love with your car, by the way.” He had admired her MG the first time he'd ever seen it.

She looked pleased at the compliment. “So am I. Everybody's been trying to get me to give it up for years, but I can't. I love it too much. It's part of me.”

“So is my woody.” He beamed. This was a woman who understood what it was to love a car. This was a woman who understood many things, like caring and loss, and integrity and love and respect, and she even shared his passion for old movies. The only thing wrong with her, aside from her eating enough for two families, was the fact that she was married. But he had decided to ignore that and stop chafing about it, and just enjoy her friendship. It was rare for men and women to be friends, without expecting anything sexual out of it, and if they were able to have a real friendship, he was going to consider himself very lucky. “Do you want to have dinner on the way back? There's a great Mexican place in Santa Monica Canyon, if you want to try it.” He treated her like an old pal, someone he had known and loved forever. “Or you know what, I've got a couple of those steaks left. Do you want to go back to my place and I'll cook you dinner?”

“We could cook them at my place.” She had been about to say that she should probably go home, but there was no reason to, and she didn't really want to. It was a lonely Sunday night, and she was enjoying him too much to give it up just yet. And there was no real reason why she couldn't have dinner with him.

“I'm not exactly dying to eat them off the floor,” Bill teased her. “Or is there more furniture I haven't seen yet?” Only her bed, but she didn't say that.

“Snob. Okay,” she said playfully, feeling like a kid again, “let's go to your place.” It had been years since she'd said that to a man. She and Steven had gone out for two years before they'd gotten married. And here she was, suddenly, five years later, having dinner at a man's apartment. But she had to admit, she didn't mind it. Bill Thigpen was terrific. He was smart, interesting, kind, and he gave her the impression of taking care of her, no matter what he did. He was always concerned if she was thirsty, hungry, wanted an ice cream, a soda, needed a hat, was warm enough, comfortable, happy, all the while keeping her amused with his stories about his soap opera, or the people he knew, or his two boys, Adam and Tommy.

And when she walked into his apartment, she saw yet another dimension. There were beautiful modern paintings on the walls, and some interesting sculptures he had collected in the course of his travels. The couches were leather and comfortable and well worn. The chairs, enormous and soft and inviting. And in the dining room there was a beautiful table he had found in an Italian monastery, a rug he had bought in Pakistan, and everywhere there were wonderful pictures of his children. There was a feeling of hominess about it that made you want to browse around, walls of books, a brick fireplace, and a beautifully designed large country kitchen. It looked more like a home than an apartment. He had a cozy den where he worked, with an old typewriter almost as old as his beloved Royal, and more books and a big cozy leather easy chair that was all beaten up and well loved and had been his father's. There was an attractive guest bedroom that looked as though it had never been used, done in beige wools, with a big sheepskin rug, and a modern four-poster, and there was a big colorful bedroom for the boys, with a bright red bunk bed that looked like a locomotive, and his own bedroom was just down the hall, all done in warm earth tones, and soft fabrics, with big sunny windows that looked out on a garden that Adrian hadn't even known existed in the complex. It was perfect. It was just like him. Handsome and warm and loving. And parts of it looked a little worn from the hands that had touched it. It was the kind of place where you wanted to stay a year, just to look around and get to know it, and it was in sharp contrast to the expensive sterility she had shared with Steven until he walked off with all of it, leaving her nothing but the bed and the carpet.

“Bill, this is gorgeous,” she said in open admiration.

“I love it too,” he admitted. “Did you see the kids' bed? I had it made by a guy in Newport Beach. He makes about two a year. I had a choice between that and a double-decker bus. Some English guy bought that, and I got the locomotive. I've always had a thing for trains. They're so great and old-fashioned and cozy.” He sounded as though he were describing himself as Adrian smiled at him.

“I love it.” No wonder he had laughed at her empty apartment. His had so much character and so much warmth. It was a great place to live or to work.

“I've been trying to talk myself into buying a house for years, but I hate moving and this is so comfortable. It works. And the boys love it.”

“I can see why.” He had given them the biggest room, even for the little time they spent with him, but to him, it was worth it.

“When they're older, I hope they spend more time here.”

“I'm sure they will.” Who wouldn't, with a father like him, and a home like this to come back to. It wasn't that the place was so big or so luxurious, it wasn't. But it was warm and inviting, and it was like a big hug just being there. Adrian felt it as she settled into the couch to look around, and then went out to the kitchen to help him with dinner. He had built most of the kitchen himself, and he was adept at cooking their dinner.

“What can't you do?”

“I'm rotten at sports. I told you, I'm terrible at tennis. I can't build a fire in the wilderness to save my life. Adam has to do it whenever we go camping. And I'm terrified of airplanes.” It was a short list compared to what he could do.

“At least it's nice to know that you're human.”

“What about you, Adrian? What aren't you good at?” It was always interesting to hear what people said about themselves. And he asked her as he carefully chopped fresh basil for their salad.

“I'm not good at a lot of things. Skiing. I'm so-so at tennis, terrible at bridge. I'm lousy at games, I can never remember the rules, and I don't care if I win anyway. Computers, I hate computers.” She thought seriously for a moment. “And compromising. I'm not good at compromising about what I believe in.”

“I'd say that's a virtue, not a flaw, wouldn't you?”

“Sometimes,” she said thoughtfully. “Sometimes it can cost you a lot.” She was thinking about Steven. She had paid a high price for what she believed in.

“But isn't it worth it?” he said softly. “Wouldn't you rather pay a price and stick to what you believe? I always have.” But he had ended up alone, too, not that he really minded.

“Sometimes it's hard to know what's the right thing to do.”

“You do your best, kid. Give it your best shot, and hope that does the trick. And if the folks don't like it,” he said, shrugging philosophically, “them's the breaks.” Easily said. But she still couldn't believe what had happened as a result of her sticking to her guns with Steven. But it wasn't as though she'd had a choice. She couldn't have done otherwise. She just couldn't. There was no reason to. It was their baby, and she loved him. It made it impossible to get rid of it, on a whim, just because it frightened Steven. So she had lost him.

“Would you stick by what you believed in, no matter how someone else felt?” she inquired as they sat down to the big juicy steaks he had cooked while she watched him. She had set the table and made the salad dressing, but he had done everything else, and the dinner looked delicious. Steak, salad, garlic bread. And there were strawberries dipped in chocolate for dessert. “Would you hold your ground no matter what?”

“That depends. You mean at someone else's expense?”

“Maybe.”

He puzzled over it for a minute, as she helped herself to the salad. “I think it would depend on how strongly I felt. Probably. If I really thought my integrity was at stake, or the integrity of the situation. Sometimes it doesn't matter how unpopular you get, you just can't deviate from what you believe in. I know, as one gets older one is supposed to get more moderate, and in some ways I have. I'm thirty-nine years old and I'm more tolerant than I used to be, but I still believe in taking stands about things I care about. It hasn't exactly won me a lot of gold stars, but on the other hand, my friends know I'm someone they can count on. That counts for something, I think.”

“I think so too,” she said softly.

“How does Steven feel about that?” He was getting curious about him. Adrian spoke of him very little, and he wondered how well they got along. He wondered how much they had in common. Just looking at them, they seemed very different.

“I think he feels strongly about his opinions too. He's not always very good about understanding other people's positions.” It was a classic understatement.

“Is he good about adjusting to you?” Their marriage intrigued him. He wanted to get to know them both, since he couldn't have her to himself, much as he would have liked to.

“Not always. He's good at …” She groped for the words and then found them. “Parallel living is the best way I can describe it. He does what he wants to do, and he lets you do what you want without interfering.” As long as he thought you were doing the right thing to get ahead. Like working in the newsroom.

“Does that work?”

It used to. It did. Until he moved right out of her life because he didn't like what she was doing. She took a breath as she tried to explain it to Bill Thigpen. “I think to make a marriage really work, you need more involvement than that, more intertwining, more interaction. It's not good enough to let each other be, you have to be something together.” It made sense to him, and he had figured that out when he was married to Leslie. “But I only figured that out recently.”

“The kicker is that that's the whole secret. A lot of people will just let you do your own thing. The trouble is, there are damn few people who want to do the same thing you do. I've never found one. Though I have to admit, I haven't looked very hard in the last few years. I haven't really had the time, or the inclination,” Bill added.

“Why not?” She was intrigued by him too. He looked as though he would have enjoyed being married.

“I think I was scared. It hurt so much when Leslie and I broke up, and when she took the boys, I think I never really wanted to do that again. I never wanted to care enough to get that hurt, or have kids someone could take away from me just because the marriage didn't work out. It never seemed fair to me. Why should I lose my kids because the woman I'm with no longer loves me? So I've been careful.” And lazy. He had purposely not looked for a serious relationship for a long time, telling himself he wasn't ready.

“Do you think she'll ever give the boys to you full-time, or more than for just a few visits a year?”

“I doubt it. She thinks she has a right to them, that they're hers, and she does me a big favor by sending them to me at all. But the truth is, I have as much right to be with them as she does. It's just bad luck that I happen to live in California. I could always go back to New York, to see more of them, but I always thought it would be even more difficult there. I don't want to be ten blocks away from them every night and wonder what they're doing. I want to wander in and out of the room when they're talking on the phone, doing their homework, hanging out with their friends. I want to stand there and get tears in my eyes when I watch them sleep at night. I want to be there when they're sick and throw up and have runny noses. I want to be there for the real stuff. Not just a few weeks of Disneyland and Lake Tahoe in the summer.” He shrugged then, he had let her see what really mattered to him, and it really touched her. “But I guess this is all I get. So I make the best of it. And most of the time, I just accept what is_y and I don't worry about it. I used to want to have more kids one day, so I could 'do it right' this time, but I think by now I've decided it's better this way. I don't want to go through all that heartbreak again, in case someone decides they don't really like me.”

“Maybe next time you could keep the kids.” She smiled sadly and he shook his head. He knew better than that.

“Maybe next time it would be smarter not to get married and have children.” Which was what he'd done for years, but deep down he knew that wasn't the answer either. “What about you? You think you and Steven will have kids?” It was a rude question, but he was so comfortable with her that he dared to ask it.

She hesitated for a long time before answering, not sure what to tell him. For a moment, she almost wanted to tell him the truth, but she didn't. “Maybe. Not for a while. Steven is … a little nervous about children.”

“Why?” That intrigued him. Bill thought they were one of the best things about marriage. But he had the benefit of experience, so he knew that.

“He had a difficult childhood. Dirt-poor parents. And Steven decided early on that kids were the root of all evil.”

“Oh, dear. One of those. How does that sit with you?”

She sighed, and her eyes met Bill's. “It's not always easy. I'm hoping he'll come around eventually.” Like by January maybe.

“Don't wait too long, Adrian. You'll be sorry if you do. Kids are the greatest joy in the world. Don't deprive yourself of that, if you can help it.” To him not having children seemed like a real deprivation.

“I'll tell Steven you said so.” She smiled, and Bill smiled back, wishing Steven in perdition. It would have been so nice if she were free. He reached out and touched her hand, not in a rude way, but a warm one.

“I've had a wonderful day, Adrian. I hope you know that.”

“So have I.” She smiled happily, and polished off the last of her steak, as Bill finished the salad.

“You know, for a skinny girl, you eat a lot.” He was honest, but teasing, and they both laughed.

“I'm sorry. It must be all the fresh air.” She knew exactly what it was, but she wasn't going to tell him.

“You're lucky, you can afford it.” She had a beautiful figure, and he liked the fact that she obviously enjoyed his cooking.

They talked until about ten o'clock and she helped him clean up the kitchen, and then finally he walked her back to her place, carrying her beach bag. It was another beautiful night, with hardly any smog in evidence, and the stars bright above their heads. She hated to go back to work the next day. It was the Monday holiday of the three-day weekend, but she had said she would work because she had nothing else to do except wait for Steven to call. And they had their regular show to do, despite the long weekend. And so did Bill.

“Do you want to come by tomorrow?” Bill asked. “I should be in the office by eleven.”

“It sounds like fun.”

“We go on the air at one o'clock. Come on by if you've got a free minute. You can watch the show, tomorrow's a good one.” She smiled at the prospect, and this time she was more relaxed as she unlocked the front door. He had already seen her empty apartment. There was nothing to hide from him anymore.

Except the fact that Steven had left her two months before, and she was pregnant.

“Do you want to come in for a cup of coffee?” He was about to say no, and then decided he would, just to prolong the evening. She pulled up the stool and offered it to him as she made the coffee and then they went to sit in the living room with their cups. They sat on the floor because there was nowhere else to sit. It was a far cry from his comfortable apartment.

He noticed as they sat that she didn't even have a TV or a radio, and then he noticed where there had obviously been stereo speakers. And it dawned on him suddenly that she wouldn't have sold them. There was absolutely nothing left in her place except the light fixtures and the doorknobs, a carpet in the living room, and an answering machine on the floor next to the telephone. Even the table the phone had been on was gone. It looked like a place someone had just emptied to move out of, and as he thought the words, he suddenly realized what must have happened. He looked at her as though he had spoken the words out loud, with a startled look, as the idea came to him, but he didn't dare ask her.

“So, tell me about your new things,” he said, pretending to be casual, as he stood up and looked around. “What kind of stuff did you order?”

“Oh …just the usual stuff,” she said vaguely, continuing to tell him about the politics of the newsroom, hoping to distract him.

“You know, your layout is so different than mine, the two places don't even look remotely related.”

“I know. It's funny, isn't it? I noticed that, too, when I was at your place.” She was smiling at him. She had had a beautiful day, and she was totally relaxed, even though she was a little bit tired.

“How much space do you have upstairs?”

“Just one bedroom and a bath,” she answered easily. “We have another bedroom downstairs, but we never use it.”

“Can I look?” He had let her wander all over his place and it would have seemed unfriendly not to let him do the same, so she hesitated but nodded, as he walked easily upstairs and asked her for another cup of coffee. And when she went into the kitchen to get it, he whipped like whirlwind through her bedroom. It was as empty as he had expected it would be, and within seconds he pulled open both closets, and looked through the bathroom cabinets, pawed through the boxes where she kept her clothes, and discovered what he had just figured out but she had never told him …unless his things were downstairs, and suddenly Bill wanted to know, but he didn't dare ask her. A sixth sense told him that there was a reason why Steven Townsend had loaded all their belongings into a van, and it wasn't because they were going to redo the apartment. Even their wedding picture in the silver frame now sat on the bedroom floor with the room's only lamp, because Steven had taken the dresser and all the tables.

“I like the layout,” he said, as he came downstairs looking relaxed, his whirlwind tour having gone unobserved, and then he asked her if he could use the bathroom. There were two doors on the main floor, and he intentionally chose the one he suspected was a closet, pulled open the door and found it empty save for a handful of empty wooden suit hangers. And then he opened the right one, and closed it behind him as he walked into the bathroom. He opened all the cupboards as quietly as he could, and then flushed the toilet and ran the water. And as he sat down to coffee with her again, he watched her eyes for the answers to his questions. But there were none. She had said nothing to him. She had pretended for weeks that Steven was away on business, that he would be back in a few days, that everything was fine, although she had admitted over dinner that it wasn't always easy. She was a beautiful girl, and he knew she was married. She was still wearing her wedding ring. But he also knew one other thing, after going through every closet in the place. For whatever reason she chose not to disclose, Steven Townsend was no longer living with his wife, and when he had left, he had taken everything with him.

Bill thanked her after a little while, and told her he'd drop by the newsroom the next day. And he thought about her all the way back to his place on the other side of the complex, and he just couldn't figure it out. He was intrigued by her all over again. What was she doing? And why? Why was she pretending that everything was okay? Why hadn't she admitted that she was living alone? What was she hiding? And why? But as he thought of the empty closets again, Bill Thigpen was delighted.

THE COMPLICATED PLOT TURNS HE WAS ABLE TO DE-vise were seemingly endless. And at the moment, Helen's husband, John, had recently been arrested for the murders of Helen's sister Vaughn, played by the late, great Sylvia before she moved to New Jersey, and a young drug pusher named Tim McCarthy. Vaughn's drug habit had been unveiled, her misdeeds as a call girl had come out and caused untold embarrassment, and a politician with whom she was involved, and for whom she had had an abortion years before, was about to become publicly disgraced when the entire scandal hit the papers. But even more important, the fact that Helen was pregnant was about to be unveiled on the show that week. And the real scandal was that the baby wasn't her husband's, a blessing in this case, but it would be the cause of untold guessing games in kitchens across the country for the next several months. Who was the baby's father? Eventually, John and Helen's marriage would end in divorce when he wound up in prison serving a life sentence for the two murders, and the identity of Helen's baby's father would become known, but not for a long time. And Bill was going to have a lot of fun with it in the meantime.

And he was thinking about Adrian as he drove to work the next day, and why she hadn't told him that Steven had left her. It was not unlike one of his plots, although undoubtedly the reasons were a lot simpler. And there was always the possibility that he was wrong, he realized, but he didn't see how he could be. There wasn't a stitch of men's clothing in the house. No men's toiletries, no after-shave, not even a razor. He was absolutely sure of it after his brief investigation. But what was she hiding? And why hadn't she told him? He wondered if she was embarrassed, or if perhaps she just wasn't ready to go out yet.

He didn't have time to think about it once he got to work. One of the actors was sick, and the show's two principal writers were having a major battle, and it was almost noon before he had time to catch his breath, and he wanted to go to Adrian's show and pick her up to bring her on the set to watch their one o'clock airing.

And in her office, Adrian was coping with the discovery that a local senator's son had been wantonly kidnapped and murdered late the night before. It was a shocking case, and the family was devastated. The boy had been only nineteen, and the entire newsroom was depressed. And it made Adrian sick to see the tapes as they came in. He had been dumped on his parents' front steps with his throat cut.

She was busy assigning editors to work on what had come in, and reporters to speak to close family friends, when someone told her there was a call holding for her, but she didn't recognize the name when she picked it up, and she had no idea who it was. It was a man named Lawrence Allman.

“Yes?” She was in the middle of a dozen things and writing notes frantically as she waited to hear what he wanted.

“Mrs. Townsend?”

“Yes.”

“Your husband asked me to call you.” Her heart stopped as she heard the words.

“Has he been in an accident? Is he all right?”

He felt sorry for her as he listened to her reaction. This was not a woman who didn't give a damn about her husband, contrary to what Steven had said to All-man. “No, he's fine. I'm representing him. I'm an attorney.” She looked confused as she listened to him. Why was a lawyer calling her and why had Steven told him to call her?

“Is something wrong?” For a moment he didn't know what to say to her. She seemed so totally unprepared for what was coming. He felt like a real heel for calling.

“I thought perhaps your husband might have said something to you. But I see that he hasn't.” Or maybe she was playing games with him, but he doubted it. She didn't sound like that kind of person. “Your husband is filing for dissolution and he wanted me to work some things out with you, Mrs. Townsend.” She felt as though she had been on a roller coaster all day and it had just stopped and pitched her right out of her seat,leaving her heart back about a dozen miles. She could hardly catch her breath as she listened to him. Steven was doing what?

“I'm sorry, I …I don't understand. What is this all about?”

“A dissolution, Mrs. Townsend.” He spoke as gently as he could. He was a decent man and this wasn't his favorite case. Steven had not been totally reasonable when they had discussed this. “A divorce. Your husband wants a divorce.”

“I … I see …Isn't this a little hasty?”

“I asked him if he would like counseling with you, but he insists that there are irreconcilable differences.”

“Can I refuse? …the divorce, I mean …” She closed her eyes, trying not to cry into the phone, or the man would think she was a fool. She had to stay calm, but she was losing control just listening to him. She couldn't believe it. Steven wanted a divorce, and he wouldn't even talk to her about it. He had had a stranger call to tell her.

“No, you can't refuse,” the attorney explained. “Those laws changed a long time ago. You or Mr. Townsend have the right to file for dissolution without the consent of your spouse.” She couldn't believe what she was hearing, and there was more to come. “There are some additional papers Mr. Townsend would like you to be aware of.”

“He wants to sell the condo, doesn't he?” There were tears brimming in her eyes as she listened to him, watching her whole world crumble around her.

“Well, yes. But he's willing to give you three months grace before you put it on the market, unless, of course, you'd like to buy him out, at fair market value.” She felt nauseated as she stood in her office. He wanted a divorce. And he wanted to sell the condo. “But that isn't what I was referring to. Mr. Townsend is willing to be reasonable about the town house. I was referring …” He seemed to hesitate. He had tried to talk Steven out of it, but he could only assume that the baby's paternity was in question when Steven wouldn't listen to reason. “There are some other papers he's asked me to draw up. I'd like you to take a look at them.”

“What exactly do they deal with?” She took a sharp breath and tried to regain her composure as she wiped the tears off her cheeks with trembling fingers.

“Your …uh …the baby. Mr. Townsend would like to renounce any parental rights antenatally. It seems a little premature and I must tell you, I've advised him against it. It's a highly unusual procedure. But he's adamant that that's what he wants. I've drawn up some papers in draft form, just for you to look at. They state simply that he renounces any claim to the baby. As a result, he would have no visiting rights, no claim to the child once it's born. It would not bear his name. You will be asked to resume your maiden name, as well as give it to the baby. His name would not appear on the birth certificate when it was born, and, of course …you and the child would have no legal or financial claim on Mr. Townsend. He wanted to offer some monetary remuneration for this, but I explained to him that according to California law, we couldn't do that. There must be no exchange of money in the renunciation of his parental rights, or it could later be declared invalid.” She was crying openly by then and she didn't give a damn if the attorney heard her.

“What do you want from me? And why are you calling me today?” she sobbed. “This is a holiday, you aren't even supposed to be working.” Steven had told him she would probably be at the station and it would be a good time to catch her, so he was calling from home. He felt like a complete louse telling her those things, but he had thought it would be worse if she had just opened her mail and found it all there. Steven had insisted he had no quarrel with her, she had been a good wife and they had been happy, he just didn't want the baby and she had refused to abort it. It seemed perfectly sensible to him. And Larry Allman wondered if Townsend was a little less than reasonable on this issue. But it wasn't his job to argue with him. He had tried to talk him into counseling, urged him to reconsider, and not to do anything about the termination of parental rights until after the baby came and he at least saw it. But Steven didn't want to hear it.

“Mrs. Townsend,” Allman said quietly, “I'm really sorry. There's no pleasant way to advise you of all this. I thought that maybe a phone call …”

“It's not your fault,” she sobbed, wishing that she could change the way Steven felt, but she knew that she couldn't. “Is he okay?” she asked, much to Allman's amazement.

“He's fine. Are you okay?” That seemed a lot more important.

She nodded as fresh tears rolled down her face. “I'm fine.”

He smiled sadly at his end. “I'm sorry to say, you don't sound it.”

“It's been a lousy day …the senator's son and now this.” It was all so awful. And she had had such a nice weekend before this. “Do you suppose …” She felt stupid asking him, but she wanted to know if he thought Steven would change his mind once the baby was born, and maybe if he saw it. She still believed somehow that seeing it would change everything. After all, he was the baby's father. “You don't think he'll change his mind, do you? I mean …later …”

“He could. He's taking some awfully radical steps. Unduly so in some areas, but he seems determined to do this now, for his own peace of mind. He wants everything spelled out, and legally resolved.”

“When will the divorce go through?” Not that it mattered anyway. What difference did it make? Except that it would have been nice to be married when she had the baby.

“Actually, he filed the petition two weeks ago. Which means that your divorce will be final … I'd say in mid-December.” Wonderful. Two weeks before the baby. With no father's name on the birth certificate. It was great news. She certainly was glad he had called her.

“Is that all?”

“Yes, I …I'll be sending the papers out to you tomorrow.”

“Thank you.” She wiped her eyes again, and her hands were still shaking.

“We'll be in touch in a couple of months about the condo. And, of course, any request for spousal support would be appropriate coming from your attorney.”

“I don't have an attorney. And I don't want spousal support.”

“I think you should seek the advice of counsel, Mrs. Townsend. You have a right to spousal support according to the laws of California.” And he thought she'd be foolish if she didn't take it. He hated the case. And he would have liked to see her at least get some money out of Steven. He owed her something, for chrissake. And he had advised him of that himself. “We'll be in touch.”

“Thank you.” She listened as the phone clicked in her ear after he said good-bye, and she stood holding the receiver for a long time, as though a voice was going to tell her it was all a mistake, and they were just kidding. But they weren't kidding. Steven had filed for divorce, and he wanted papers saying that he was giving up his rights to the baby. It was the worst thing she had ever heard, and she stood shaking as she thought about it, wondering what she was going to do now. In truth, nothing had really changed. She still had the town house for a while, he still had all their furniture, and she still had the baby. But everything really had changed. She had no hope anymore, except a wild fantasy that eventually he would come back and fall head over heels in love with his baby. But even she knew that that was unlikely. What she had to face now was having the baby alone, keeping her job, finding a new home, and at least buying a couch to sit on. But more important, she had to face the fact that he was divorcing her, and legally, the baby would have no father. It was a stunning blow and her shoulders shook as she cried, as she finally put down the receiver. She had her back to the door, and she hadn't heard anyone walk into her office. And seeing only her back turned toward him, he hadn't realized that she was crying. She turned slowly, her face awash with tears, and through the mist, she saw him. It was Bill Thigpen.

“Oh my God …I'm sorry … I didn't mean to … I guess this is a bad time.” It was a mild understatement, and she tried to smile through her tears as she groped under her desk for a tissue.

“No …I …actually …it's fine …” And then she collapsed into a chair, crying again, as she buried her face in her hands. “No …it's awful.” There was no way to explain it to him, and she didn't really want to. “It's just …I'm not … I can't …” She wasn't even making sense, as he walked over to her, and gently rubbed her shoulders.

“Take it easy, Adrian. It's going to be all right. Whatever it is, it'll get straightened out sooner or later.” He wondered if she had gotten fired, or someone had died. She was shaking all over, and she looked green, she was so pale. For a moment, he wondered if she was going to faint. But he made her take a deep breath and handed her a glass of water, and a minute later, she looked better. “Looks like you've had a terrific morning.” He looked down at her sympathetically and she tried to smile, but it was a meager effort.

“It's been quite a day.” She blew her nose again, and looked at him with a mixture of embarrassment and appreciation. “First the senator's son is kidnapped and killed and we get five thousand miles of tape on it, with close-ups of his throat slit.” She sobbed again, thinking of it. “And then …” She hesitated, looking up at Bill, debating whether or not to tell him. But there was no point to keeping it a secret anymore, and even if it was her fault, it hadn't been her decision. “And then … I got this stupid call from my husband's attorney.” Her eyes filled with tears again and her voice trembled as she said it.

“Attorney? What's he calling you for? And today's a holiday anyway.”

“That's what I said.”

“What did he want?” Bill scowled, feeling protective of her.

She took a deep breath, clutching the tissue in her hand as she looked away. She couldn't face Bill as she said it. “He called to tell me that my husband …” her voice dropped so low, he could barely hear her. “…just filed for dissolution. Two weeks ago, actually.”

For a moment, Bill was startled. But it was more the way she said it than the fact of it. It was her obvious anguish over it that touched him. He had actually figured out the night before that they were separated, and he was relieved now that it was out in the open. But he was sorry for her, she seemed to be taking it very hard, as though it was something she hadn't expected.

“Does that come as a shock to you, Adrian?” His voice was very gentle.

“Yes.” She sighed and looked up at him, as he stood leaning against her desk, looking sympathetic. “I never really thought he'd do it. He said he would. But I didn't believe him.”

“How long has this been going on?”

“About six weeks …maybe seven. … He moved his things out about three weeks ago. My things too.” She smiled as they both thought of the empty apartment. “That doesn't matter to me. I just didn't think … I didn't want …”

“I understand. I felt that way when Leslie divorced me. I never wanted to get divorced. But all of a sudden she decided it was over. It doesn't seem fair when someone else makes the decision.”

“That's kind of what he did.” She started to cry again, and she felt embarrassed in front of Bill, but he seemed to take it very calmly. “I'm sorry …I'm a mess.”

“You have a right to be. Can you go home and take the afternoon off? I'll drive you.”

“I don't think I can. We have a special broadcast scheduled tonight before the news.”

“Why didn't he call you himself?”

“I don't know.” She looked depressed as she sat down at her desk, while he sat on the corner. “I guess he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.”

“That's the hard part about getting a divorce when you don't have kids. At least when you have children, you have to talk to each other, until they grow up anyway. Sometimes it drives you nuts, but at least it's some kind of continued contact.” She nodded, thinking that they did have a kid. Or at least she did. Steven had “renounced” it. “What do you think brought this on, do you know? Or is it none of my business?”

She smiled sadly. “I know. And it doesn't really matter. He took a position and so did I. I just couldn't do what he wanted, and I guess we each felt we were personally at stake, so we dug in our heels. And he won, I guess. Or we both lost. Something like that. He never gave me a chance once he made up his mind.”

“He sounds like Leslie. But there was someone else involved at the time, and I didn't know it. Do you suppose he's involved with someone too?”

“Maybe. But I don't think so. I think this has to do with what he wants in life, and what he doesn't, and all of a sudden our paths became too divergent.”

“That's a pretty brutal step to take over 'divergent paths.' “But people were strange and they did strange things. And they both knew it. “I was going to invite you over to the studio for a cup of coffee, but maybe now isn't the time.” He was sorry for her, and he leaned over and touched her cheek with a gentle hand as he said it. “Maybe another time.”

She nodded, feeling as though she had been beaten by Allman's words. “I've got to go back to work. We're putting together a special about the senator's family. The boy was on the football team at UCLA, a varsity star in high school, and he was very involved in public service. His girlfriend was the governor's niece. This thing is going to tear everyone's heart out.” It had hers. And Steven had trampled what was left of it. She felt as though she had died just before lunchtime. “I'm going to be here until one o'clock in the morning, maybe two.” And she already looked exhausted.

“Can you take a break? At least go out and get something to eat?”

“I doubt it. I'll come in late tomorrow.” All she needed now was to lose the baby. But she couldn't even think of that now. She just had to get through the day, and then another day, and keep on going.

“I'm working late tonight too. We have a lot of new developments happening on the show. Murders, trials, divorces, illegitimate babies. The usual happy stuff. It ought to keep me pretty busy. And I want to make sure our writers get a bunch of scripts done before the boys come.”

“Sounds like the story of my life.” She smiled weakly, and he kissed her gently on the top of her head as he stood up and prepared to leave.

“Hang in there. I'll come by later. If you want anything, just let me know. Our studio kitchen is filled with food today, because all the restaurants around here are closed.”

“Thanks, Bill.” She looked at him gratefully, and he slipped out with a wave, as she sat staring out the window for a minute. It was a crazy world. Steven had walked out on her, and abandoned her and their baby. And someone had killed an innocent nineteen-year-old boy with a heart of gold and his life ahead of him, shattered in a single instant.

She went back to work then, and tried to forget her own problems, but she kept thinking of Bill and the amazing support he gave her.

The special she produced went on at five o'clock and was deeply moving, and even people in the newsroom cried as they watched it. They did the full six o'clock broadcast then, and after that, she watched some film to see what they were going to add to the special they were going to run at midnight. It was an endless day, and it was nine o'clock before she found the dinner that Bill had sent over for her. And at midnight, as she sat in the studio, watching the show, she saw him walk in and pointed to a chair next to her own. He sat down quietly and watched with her, obviously deeply moved by the program.

“What a stinking thing,” he said as they went off the air. The senator had cried openly in front of the camera. And they had talked about God and His love for all of them, and their faith in Him, but it did little to change the heartbreak of what had happened. And then Bill looked at her. She looked even worse than she had earlier. The day had been endless. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired.” The word didn't even begin to encompass what she felt, and he didn't want to intrude on her. But he wanted to help her. She looked too wiped out to even drive herself home, and he offered her a lift back to the complex.

“Why don't you let me take you home? You can always take a cab back here tomorrow. Just leave your car here. Or I can drive it for you if you want.” But he didn't trust her on the road. She was so exhausted, she looked as though she might fall asleep at the wheel, and she didn't have the energy to argue with him.

“I'll leave my car here. And thank you for dinner, by the way.” He seemed to think of everything, no matter how late he worked himself. They both signed out, and she groaned as she slid across the seat in the comfortable old woody. “Oh, God … I feel like I'm going to die.”

“You might if you don't get some sleep.” He slid behind the wheel, and she was too tired to even talk to him as they drove home on the Santa Monica Freeway. And when they got to the complex, he parked his car and walked her to her door without saying a word. And as soon as she opened the door, he looked at her earnestly as she turned toward him in the doorway. “Are you gonna be okay?”

She nodded, but she didn't look convincing. “I think so.” But she had never felt sadder or lonelier in her life. She felt as though Steven had walked out on her all over again.

“Call if you need me. I'm not very far away.” He touched her arm then and she smiled and then closed the door, feeling drained. She walked slowly upstairs without even turning on the light. She didn't want to see the bare walls and the empty rooms. And she walked across her bedroom and threw herself across the bed, and then she lay there sobbing, until she fell asleep, with all her clothes on, and Steven's baby inside her.

FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS, ADRIAN FELT AS THOUGH she were in a dream. The papers Lawrence Allman had promised arrived. And she signed them in all the appropriate places. She checked the box that said she wanted no spousal support, and she agreed to put the town house on the market by the first of October. She said very little about it to Bill and he dropped by to see her at her office almost every day, but he didn't press her about going out. He sensed correctly that she was still too upset by the shock of the dissolution. A lot had been happening to her. Things had been wildly hectic at work, and he had his own hands full with changes in the scripts, and the fact that he was trying to clear his desk for his annual four-week vacation.

But he had nonetheless found the time to bring her to the set early one afternoon, and she had watched with fascination as they aired the show. It brought back memories of when she had worked on other shows. And afterward, he introduced her to everyone, and when they went back to his office, she admired his Emmys, and he showed her the program's current bible. In it, he had outlined the show's plot for the next several months, with alternate solutions to problems that might come up, and in a stack on his desk were tentative scripts that he still had to approve. He explained it all to her, and she found herself wishing she could work on a show like this, instead of the news, and as she read some of his notes, she made some very interesting comments.

“Why don't you help me with the bible sometime? … or some ideas for scripts? The writers would love a little help, they can always use fresh ideas. It's not easy coming up with five shows a week.”

“I can imagine. …” And then she looked at him with excitement in her eyes. “Do you mean that, Bill? I mean about doing up some notes for ideas for the show?”

“Sure I do. Why not? You and I can kick some stuff around over dinner one night if you want. I'll give you some of the background material on the characters. You could have a ball.” He looked as though he thought it was a great idea, and so did she, and they talked about it all the way back to the newsroom, and they talked about it again the next night when finally, two weeks after the Fourth of July barbecue, she agreed to go out to dinner.

It was a Saturday night, and they had run into each other at the pool early that morning. She looked better than she had in days, and she finally seemed to have absorbed the shock of everything that had happened. And she was still excited about seeing his show the day before. And as she talked about it, she looked prettier than ever.

“Can I interest you in a famous Thigpen steak tonight? Or how about something a little more glamorous, like dinner at Spago?” It was the favorite local hangout of anyone who was anyone in television and the movies. Wolfgang Puck had made it everyone's favorite place to eat, with delicious pasta and pizza and the miracles of nouvelle cuisine that he created.

Adrian had started to come to terms with the realities of her life in the last two weeks, and the prospect of an evening out sounded very appealing. And he had been incredibly patient with her. He had quietly kept an eye on her, without ever intruding. He had dropped by at work, sent food over late at night, offered her a ride once or twice, but never pressed the issue of a date or an evening that she obviously couldn't have coped with. And he had even recommended a lawyer who had taken her affairs in hand and already spoken several times with Lawrence All-man. But after two weeks of mourning and agonizing, she finally felt slightly more alive, and both of Bill's suggestions sounded delightful.

“Whichever you like.” She smiled gratefully at him. He had become a good friend in such a short time.

“How about Spago?”

“That sounds great.” She smiled, and they both went back to their own places to do the things they had to db, like laundry and paying bills again, a never-ending task, particularly now that Steven was no longer there to do it. Her salary covered everything, but lately she was trying to save as much money as she could for when she'd need it for the baby. Now that Steven wouldn't be contributing anything, she wanted to be a little more careful.

Bill picked her up at eight, and he was wearing khaki slacks, a white shirt, and a blue blazer, and she was wearing a dress that she'd had for years. It was a soft peachy-pink silk that flowed easily from the shoulders. They drove to Sunset chatting about work, and how hectic it had been for both of them in the past few weeks, and it was obvious how excited he was about the boys coming out on the following Wednesday. They were going to spend two days with him in town, and then they were embarking on their big adventure.

Bill ordered pizza made with warm duck, and she had cappelletti with fresh tomato and basil. And for dessert, they shared an enormous piece of chocolate cake, which came to the table drowning in delicious homemade whipped cream. As usual, she ate everything, and Bill teased her again about how well she ate, without apparently gaining weight, but as he said it, she looked a little nervous.

“I should be watching it more than I have been lately.” He noticed that she was not pencil thin, but she was not overweight either. The only thing he did notice was that her chest seemed to be enlarging almost daily, but he still wasn't sure if that was due to inaccurate previous observation on his part. “I'm going to start eating nothing but salads.”

“How depressing.” He took a breath, pretending to suck in his own waistline, and he was solidly built, but he wasn't heavy either. “I'm going to be eating hamburgers and french fries at roadside fast-food places for the next two weeks, it'll be a miracle if I don't regress and wind up with teenage acne.” They both laughed at the thought, and he looked at her strangely then. He had been wanting to ask her for weeks, ever since he had found out about Steven filing papers, but he didn't want to ask her too soon. And he wondered now if she was ready to hear it. “I have a funny question to ask you, Adrian.” And as he said it, she looked suddenly panicked. “Don't get nervous. It's nothing intensely personal, and my feelings won't be hurt if you say no. I just thought I'd ask in case there's a chance I could talk you into it.” He paused as though waiting for a drumroll. “What are the chances of your getting a week or two off from work?”

She suspected what he was going to ask, and she smiled, feeling very flattered. She knew how much his boys meant to him, and the fact that he would be willing to share them with her, or even introduce her to them meant a great deal to her. “It's not impossible. I have about four weeks coming. I was saving the time for a trip to Europe in October.” A trip she was certainly not going to take now. She wasn't going anywhere, with anyone. And by then she would be six months pregnant.

“Do you think they'd let you off on fairly short notice? I was wondering if you would like to join us on our pilgrimage north. Any interest? If not, I'll respect your sanity, as well as your judgment. This will not be an easy trip. We are talking about being stuck in a car all day with two small boys, listening to them argue day and night, eating inedible food from one end of California to the other, and winding up in a sleeping bag on the hard ground at Lake Tahoe.” But the truth was that he loved it and she knew that, and it was a real honor that he would ask her to join them.

“It sounds terrific.” She smiled.

“Think you can get the time?”

“I don't know. I can ask.” She wasn't sure what they'd say, but it was possible they would let her off, certainly for a week, if not two, and it sounded like just what she needed.

“If you can't get off for the first week, you could fly straight to Reno and join us at Lake Tahoe for the second. But the first part will be fun too. We're going to stop at the San Ysidro Ranch near Santa Barbara, stay in San Francisco at a funny old hotel we love, and then we're going to the Napa Valley. There are some great little inns, and I thought it would be a nice stop on the way to Lake Tahoe.”

“It sounds wonderful.” She smiled at him, relaxing for the first time in weeks. “You know, I really owe you an apology. I think I've been in shock for the past two weeks. Ever since I got that call from my husband's attorney.” Her saying that brought up a question he'd been wanting to ask her.

“Why didn't you tell me what was happening before that?”

“I don't know, Bill. I was embarrassed, I guess. It's just …I just felt like such a failure when Steven left me.” He nodded, he understood that, but it would have saved him some grief had she told him. For the first time in his life, he had actually been considering putting the make on a married woman, and he had been wrestling with himself for days. She could have spared him that, but it didn't matter now. And she looked a lot better. The shock had worn off, and he hadn't seen her cry since the first day. She was made of strong stuff. Much stronger than he even dreamed of.

“Anyway, what do you think about the trip? Do you think they'll let you off?”

“I'll ask them first thing on Monday morning. I think they might. Things are a little slow. And not too many people are out on vacation. Most people prefer the spring and fall, when it isn't so crowded.”

“So would I, but I have to go when the boys are out here.”

She looked at him, wondering how they would arrange it. She didn't want to sleep in the same room with him, but she didn't even know the boys, and they probably wouldn't welcome the idea of a strange woman sharing their room with them. It would be easy once they were in tents. But it was going to be a little more complicated when they were in hotels, unless she requested her own room and paid for it herself, which was what she was about to suggest to Bill when he started laughing.

“What's so funny?”

“You are. I can see the wheels turning in your head. Are you worried about the sleeping arrangements?”

“Yes.” She grinned. “It's not that I don't trust you. I do, but …”

“Well, you shouldn't,” he confessed. “I'm not sure I trust myself. But I also have a healthy fear of my ex-wife. We'll keep it very respectable. I promise. I'll probably sleep with the boys. I usually do, and they love it. And you can have my room.”

“Wouldn't that be an inconvenience for you?”

“No,” he said softly, “it would mean a lot to me to have you there. I'd love you to spend some time with me and the boys.” He wanted to tell her more about how he felt, but he knew that this wasn't the time. She was still recovering from the blow dealt to her by Steven. And the headwaiter was anxiously waiting for their table. It was a busy Saturday night, and people were lined up all the way down the stairs and out the door. And as they left, she saw Zelda standing there, with the very young star of a TV show. He was a real catch, and Zelda had never looked happier or better. She caught a glimpse of Adrian with Bill and made a circle of her thumb and forefinger, indicating her approval, as Adrian laughed and followed him to the waiting woody. She thanked him for dinner then and turned to him with a serious look.

“I want to thank you for asking me to join you and the children. That really means a lot to me. I know how important they are to you, Bill.”

“They are,” he said, nodding, and then he turned to look at her more intensely. “And so are you. You're a very special person.” She looked away, not sure what to say to him. She couldn't promise him anything. There was still far too much confusion in her own life. If Steven didn't want her with their baby, surely no one else would, and she knew that.

“I appreciate everything you've done for me.” She looked away from him as they got into the car. She was thinking of how angry he would be when he found out about the baby, and she didn't want to mislead him.

“Is something wrong, Adrian?” He gently took her hand in his. They were still parked only a few feet from the restaurant and they hadn't moved, but he was worried about her suddenly. There were brief moments when she looked so unhappy and so worried. He knew it was probably the divorce doing it, but it made him sad for her and he wanted to help her through it.

“My life is a little complicated right now,” she said cryptically, and he smiled.

“You sound like one of my characters on the show. In fact, I just wrote that line into a script yesterday. And you think you've got troubles. My character is pregnant with an illegitimate baby.” The words almost made her choke and she tried to laugh as he started up the woody, but all she could do was smile weakly. Art imitating life again. Sometimes it happened a little too often.

They drove back to the complex then, and he invited her to his place for a cup of coffee. He had a fancy espresso machine, and they sat for a long time in his cozy kitchen.

“I always feel like I ought to look around for a last time before the boys come.” He grinned. “From the moment they arrive till the moment they leave, this whole place is upside down, the television is constantly on, there are clothes in every chair, socks on every table, the bathrooms look like they've been hit by a bomb, and there's candy and gum all over everything I own. They're hopeless.”

“It sounds happy.” She smiled.

“That's a dangerous attitude.” He smiled at her. From everything he had seen of her so far, he thought she was the perfect woman. And he had long since decided that Steven Townsend was either a bastard or a fool, but he had been crazy to let her go, much less divorce her. “I can't wait till you meet them.”

“Neither can I,” she said as she sipped her cappuccino.

“I really hope you can come on the trip.”

“So do I.” And she meant it. “If I can't, maybe I can fly to Lake Tahoe for a weekend.”

“That would be nice. But I'd like a lot more than that.” And he thought that two weeks with her and his sons would be absolutely blissful. It was the kind of life he had longed for for the last seven years, the kind of life he'd lost and thought he would never find again. But Adrian was a very special woman. In some ways, he was afraid of his feelings for her, and in other ways, he loved them.

He took her back to her place around twelve o'clock, and he felt like a teenager standing in her doorway. He was dying to get his hands on her, but he sensed instinctively that she wasn't ready. And Tahoe wasn't going to be the answer to his prayers either. He wouldn't dare make a pass at her while traveling with his children. They were just going to have to wait, or he was. He didn't even know if she was attracted to him, and he was afraid to find out too soon. There was always the possibility that he would scare her off. And she was grateful that he hadn't pressed her. She kissed him chastely on the cheek, and as he walked back to his place, his desire for her almost drove him crazy.

He took her for a drive the next day, and they went to the Ritz-Carlton in Laguna Niguel for Sunday lunch, and then they came back because he had to go to work. His work as usual helped him cope with his constant frustration. Sylvia had been gone for quite a while. And ever since Adrian had walked into his life, he hadn't wanted anyone else. But dreams of her were beginning to haunt him.

She appeared in his studio on Monday just before noon, with a broad grin on her face and a look of victory as he was coping with last-minute changes.

“I can come! They gave me two weeks off!” she announced with glee in a stage whisper that everyone heard, and then she laughed, and two of the actresses giggled. Bill looked at her with awe and delight and then asked her to stay while he finished what he had to do before they went on the air, and then he invited her to watch the show with him from the control booth.

It was an action-packed episode, filled with conflict and emotion. Helen had admitted that she was pregnant by then, but she wasn't telling anyone whose baby it was. John was in jail and the trial was coming up soon. And on the show, Helen made a call to an unknown man, threatening to kill herself if he told anyone that she was carrying his baby. The script was emotionally charged, and the woman who played Helen was an excellent actress. She'd been on the show for years, and she was one of A Life's mainstays. But as Bill watched them perform, he turned to Adrian, pleased with the day's show and he was pleased to see the excitement in her eyes. She loved being around his show and everything about it.

“It's just a great show, Bill.” It meant a lot to him that she liked it. And they were still talking about the show when they left the control booth. He introduced her to the actors she hadn't met yet, and she complimented “Helen” for a job well done, and then she went back to her office.

She had the trip to look forward to, and she could hardly wait to meet his kids. She just hoped, she thought with trepidation as she went back to work, that she would fit into her jeans until early August.

THE BOYS ARRIVED TWO DAYS LATER, ON A WEDNES-day afternoon, and Bill went to pick them up at the airport. He had asked Adrian to come along, but she didn't want to crowd them. They didn't have any idea who she was, and they hadn't seen their father since Easter vacation. She had a doctor's appointment that day anyway. And it was the first time that she heard the baby's heartbeat. The doctor put the stethoscope to her ears, and there was a small device like a microphone attached to the other end which he slid across her stomach. The first loud thumping she heard was her own, it was actually the placenta pumping blood to the baby. But beyond that, much more softly, and beating much faster than her own heart, was a smaller one, the tiny pat-pat-pat of the baby. She listened to it with a look of astonishment, and tears came to her eyes when she first heard it.

“Everything sounds fine to me,” the doctor told her as she sat up. Her blood pressure was fine, her weight was okay, too, though she had already gained quite a bit, and there was no denying now that her body was changing. There was an Scurve to her suddenly, when she turned sideways in the mirror, and she was starting to wear her dresses a little looser, but so far, unless they knew, no one would have noticed that she was three and a half months pregnant. “Any problems, Adrian?” he asked. She hadn't seen him in a month, not since just before Steven had taken everything he owned out of the apartment and served her with papers.

“Nothing I've noticed,” she said quietly. “I feel fine.” She did most of the time, too, except now and then when she had a really long day at work, or a late night, then she felt absolutely exhausted.

“How's your husband adjusting to it now?” he inquired as he washed his hands. He fully expected Steven to come around and was sure he had by then. He had no idea what had happened in the last month, and Adrian didn't want to tell him. It was too embarrassing, and admitting that he was gone still gave her an overwhelming feeling of failure. She still hadn't told anyone at work, and the only one she had told, and sworn to secrecy, was Zelda. She insisted that Adrian was foolish not to tell people openly, that she had done nothing wrong, it was Steven who should be embarrassed, not Adrian. But Adrian still pretended to everyone that everything was fine, and claimed that he was doing a lot of traveling. She told her mother that, too, on the rare occasions when they spoke. And other than Zelda, she had told not a living soul about the baby.

“He's fine,” Adrian said innocently. “He's away right now.” As though the doctor would know he was gone. She stood up and pulled her dress down after the examination. All he did now was weigh her once a month, take her blood pressure; and listen to the baby's heartbeat. He had listened for it the previous month, but it had still been too early for him to hear it.

“Are you going away this summer at all?” he chatted pleasantly, and she was embarrassed about lying to him about Steven.

“We're going away in a few days. Camping at Lake Tahoe.”

“Sounds like fun. Don't overdo in the altitude, take it easy a little bit. And if you drive there, stop every couple of hours and walk around, stretch your legs. You'll feel better.” But so far she had had an uneventful pregnancy. Uneventful except for the fact that her husband was going to divorce her.

She went back to the office afterward, and as usual, there was a mountain of work for her to do. And she didn't hear from Bill, but she assumed that the boys had arrived safely. He called her in the newsroom late that night, just before the eleven o'clock news, the boys were in bed, and he sounded happy and exhausted.

“It's like having a whirlwind hit this place,” he sighed happily, but they both knew he loved it.

“I'll bet they're happy to be here.”

“I hope so. I sure am happy to have them. I'm bringing them to work tomorrow for a while, till they destroy the place. Adam is always fascinated by it, he thinks he wants to be a director when he grows up, but Tommy gets a little antsy. I thought maybe we could stop by and say hi, or take you to lunch if you have time. Depending on how your day runs. The boys would like to meet you.”

“I can hardly wait to meet them.” She smiled, but she was nervous about it too. The boys were so important to him that she was worried about what would happen if they didn't like her. Admittedly, she and Bill weren't deeply involved with each other, but she liked him a great deal, and she sensed that he liked her too. If nothing else, she hoped it was the start of a serious friendship. And there were overtones of something more, but something that, for the moment, due to her circumstances, neither of them had figured out how to handle. Too much had happened to her recently. Too much had gone on. Between the baby and Steven filing for divorce, she wasn't ready for a relationship. And yet, she was growing used to him. And she found that she needed him at unexpected times, and in some ways, she was afraid to need him as much as she might, if she let herself go completely.

“Do you want to come to the set after we air tomorrow, or should we just stop by at the newsroom?” he asked. He had told them about her, and they hadn't seemed surprised. They had met ladyfriends of his before, and they were used to it. They usually told him what they thought of them, and a couple of them had joined them on trips. But it was hard for him to explain to them that this one was different. This was a woman he respected and liked, someone he suspected he could love, but he didn't tell them any of that. He didn't want to scare them.

“I'll drop by the show. I want to see what you're doing to those poor people anyway. How's the one with the illegitimate baby?”

“Drinking too much, understandably. Everyone wants to know who the baby's father is. We've never gotten so much mail. It's amazing how that kind of thing fascinates the viewers. Dubious paternity seems to be an issue of interest to most of us. Or maybe it's just babies.” He was hitting close to home again, and just hearing about it made her nervous. Her own baby's paternity was a cause of great concern to her, and she sighed as she realized that she had to get to the control booth.

“I'll see you tomorrow. Say hello to them for me.”

“I will,” he said, with something warm in his voice that was meant just for her, and she knew it. She was smiling to herself when she ran into Zelda on the way to the control booth.

“How's it going?” Zelda asked pointedly. She worried about Adrian at times, but they were both too busy to talk to each other very often. Zelda asked her if she heard from Steven from time to time, and she was always horrified to hear that she didn't.

“It's okay.” Adrian smiled. She knew Zelda wouldn't give away any of her secrets.

“I saw you with Bill Thigpen the other day.” She was curious about that. She knew who he was, and how successful his show had been, and she wondered if anything was going to come of it between him and Adrian, but she suspected that Adrian was still deluding herself about Steven. “Is that anything?” she asked openly, and Adrian looked offended by her bluntness.

“Yes. A nice friendship.” She hurried off to the control booth then, and at midnight she went home and fell into bed. She was too tired to even think, and she had a lot to do in the next two days before she left on vacation.

She went to Bill's studio again the next day, just in time to see the show air, and she watched in fascination as the woman who was supposedly pregnant sobbed, talking about her baby. Her husband was still in jail, and she was being blackmailed by a woman who allegedly knew who had fathered her baby. Her husband's trial had just begun, and Helen was still mourning the loss of her sister. It was easy to see why people got caught up in it. It was all so absurd, and so exaggerated, and yet it wasn't. It was exaggerated in just the way real life was, with all its unexpected quirks and turns and sudden disasters. People having accidents and getting killed and cheating on each other and losing jobs and having babies. There was a little more melodrama than in most lives, but not as much as one might have thought, Adrian mused, not if her own life was anything to judge by.

And as soon as she walked into the studio on silent feet, she saw the two boys, standing near Bill, watching the actors in fascination. Adam looked tall for his age, and he was standing quietly right next to his father, with sandy blond hair and big blue eyes_y and long, long legs. He was wearing jeans and a T-shirt and high top sneakers. Tommy was wrapped around a chair in a cowboy shirt and a pair of chaps, with the exact same look on his face that Bill wore when he was concentrating on something. They looked almost like twins, except that one of them was much smaller. And just looking at Tommy made you want to rim up and hug him. He had soft brown curls, and blue eyes that were even bigger than his brother's. He noticed her first, and stared at her with curiosity instead of watching the show. She smiled at him then, and waved, and he grinned, and tugged at his father's sleeve. He whispered something to Bill, and then Bill turned and saw her. He didn't walk over until they broke for a commercial and then he quickly introduced her before they had to be quiet again. Adam shook her hand with a serious air, Tommy grinned and asked if she was the one who was coming to Lake Tahoe. She only had time to whisper yes, and then found herself stroking his soft curls as she watched the rest of the show, but he didn't seem to mind it.

“That was good, Dad,” Adam complimented him as soon as the show was over. And Bill introduced him to all the actors. He had met most of them before, but there were a few new faces, and it touched Adrian to see how proud of them Bill was. He was clearly a wonderful father.

Tommy was climbing on one of the cameras, while Adrian watched, and she noticed that he was keeping an eye on her while pretending not to. Eventually, they all went out to lunch, and over sandwiches, Tommy looked at her squarely.

“How long have you known my dad?” he inquired as Adam frowned at him.

“Tommy, stop that! It's not polite to ask questions.”

“That's okay.” She smiled at both of them, and tried to remember. It depended when you started counting. From the first time in the supermarket, or from when they began to make friends. She wasn't sure which to tell them, and decided to go with the former. It made it look as though they had known each other a little longer. “A couple of months, I guess. Something like that.”

“Do you go out with him a lot?” Tommy went on, as Adrian grinned and Adam shouted at him to stop.

“Sometimes. We're good friends.” But he had spotted something of interest on her left hand, and he was staring at it as she ate her sandwich.

“Are you married?”

There was a long, long pause, and she avoided Bill's eyes. She wanted to be truthful with them, but this wasn't going to be easy.

“I am.” She still wore her wedding ring. She couldn't bring herself to take it off. Bill had noticed it, too, but had never said anything, and wouldn't have had the courage of his younger son to ask her to explain it. And then, “I was,” she corrected.

“Are you divorced?” This time Adam chimed in curious about the line of questioning his brother had started.

“No, I'm not,” she answered quietly. “But I will be.”

“When?” His innocent questions went straight to her heart, but she did her best not to show it.

“Maybe around Christmas.”

“Oh.”

And then Tommy again. “Why do you still wear your wedding ring? My mom wears one like that,” he volunteered, “only bigger, and it has a diamond.” Adrian's was narrow and simple and she had always loved it.

“It sounds beautiful. I wear mine because …well, I guess I was just used to it.” She had thought about taking it off in the past month, but couldn't bring herself to do it.

“Did you want to get divorced?” Adam asked then, and Bill decided to step in and get her off the hook. Enough was enough.

“Hey, guys, give the lady a break. Tommy, pay attention to what you're doing or you're going to spill that soda.” He rescued a can of root beer from him and looked at Adrian apologetically. He hadn't planned to subject her to the inquisition. “I think we owe Adrian an apology. Her private life is none of our business.”

“I'm sorry.” Adam looked at her remorsefully. At nearly ten, he knew better. But he'd gotten carried away with what his younger brother had started.

“That's all right. Sometimes it's better to ask about things instead of just wondering. I would have told you if I didn't want to answer.” She didn't answer his question, though, about whether or not she had wanted the divorce. It was still too painful. “What about you?” She looked at the boys seriously. “Have either of you ever been married?” Adam grinned and Tommy guffawed. “Come on, I told you, now you tell me. What's the story?” She looked from one to the other as they both started to laugh and Tommy was the first to volunteer information.

“No, but Adam has a girlfriend. Her name is Jenny.”

“It is not” He looked annoyed and gave his brother a shove, as Adrian watched them.

“It is tool” Tommy defended his veracity. “He used to have a girlfriend named Carol, but she dumped him.”

Adrian laughed at him, and looked at Adam kindly. “It happens to the best of us.” She smiled. “And what about you?” She turned to Tommy. “Any girls we should know about? I mean, if we're going to be friends, you probably ought to tell me.” They were the same principles they had applied to her, and she enjoyed teasing them a little bit, as Bill watched her. She was sweet and warm and open with them, just as she was with him. And he started to fall for her all over again. She was terrific.

They chatted through lunch, and Adrian hated to leave them and go back to the office. She invited them to come and visit the newsroom, but she didn't invite them to watch the show later that day. Some of the reels they had gotten in were just too grim, and she didn't want them to see that. But she showed them the studio and the editing rooms, and introduced them to everyone, including Zelda, who glanced at them, and their father, with interest. She questioned Adrian as soon as they'd left and she was back in her office.

“Could this be getting serious?”

“Not likely,” Adrian said coolly. After all, Zelda knew she was pregnant. But she also knew that Steven had left her. “Under the circumstances.”

“He could do worse.” She looked pointedly at her friend. “Hell, nowadays there's no such thing as a virgin.” Adrian laughed out loud at what she'd said. That was certainly one way to view it.

“I'll remember that if I ever feel the inclination to start dating.” But that wasn't how she viewed her friendship with Bill Thigpen. She liked him a great deal, and if she thought about it, she had to admit that she was attracted to him, but she never felt as though that was the issue. They were just very comfortable with each other, and they had a lot in common. And she thought his kids were terrific. She was really getting excited about their trip now. And she was thrilled to have been asked to join them. It was going to be wonderful to get away on a vacation. She thought of dropping Steven a little note, to let him know where she'd be, and then she realized how ridiculous that was. He wasn't even speaking to her, and he had filed for divorce, he was hardly likely to try to reach her. And if he changed his mind and decided to come home, he would certainly call her office to find her. So she left a memo with Zelda and the manager of the newsroom with a list of the hotels Bill had given her. But she doubted very strongly that anyone would call her. And as she went back to her desk again, she thought of Adam and Tommy's questions over lunch about her wedding ring and her divorce, and whether or not she had wanted to divorce Steven. And then, as they got busy before the evening news, she forgot all about it.

She saw them again the next day, when they dropped by and Bill asked her if she had a sleeping bag. He had just discovered that he only had three and wanted to know if he should buy one.

“Gee, I don't,” she said apologetically. She hadn't even thought of it, but he assured her it was no problem. And he had everything else. He told her to bring one decent dress for when they went out, and a warm jacket for the nights at Lake Tahoe.

“And that's it?” she teased. “Nothing else?”

“That's right.” He smiled and stood close to her, enjoying the thrill of feeling her next to him. It was getting harder and harder to keep his distance. “Just a bathing suit and a pair of jeans.”

“You're going to get awfully tired of me if that's all I bring,” she warned, but Bill shook his head as he looked at her warmly.

“I doubt it.”

“What about games? Is there anything you gentlemen like? Scrabble? Bingo? Cards?” She had already made a list to herself to pick up a few things to amuse them on the car trip. And Tommy immediately placed an order for comic books and a squirt gun.

“Never mind that!” Bill admonished them, and then they left again. They had some last-minute shopping to do too. They were leaving the next morning.

She packed that night when she went home after the evening news, and when she went back to do the late show, everything was ready and standing at the front door. Her two small bags looked strange in the empty apartment. It looked as though she was finally leaving too. The place was so depressing now that it was empty, and she thought about buying some furniture from time to time, but somehow she just couldn't bring herself to do it. It would make everything so final and there was always the possibility that Steven would come back with everything. And in any case, in a few months she was going to have to give up the apartment. But it wouldn't hurt anything to have a little furniture in the meantime. She just didn't have the time or the desire to buy it.

Bill called her right after the news, and they chatted for a few minutes about the trip. He sounded as excited as she felt. She felt like a kid going to camp for the first time, and for the first time in a long time, she felt really happy. Everything had been so difficult for the past two months, except the time she spent with Bill, that was always so different.

“I thought we'd leave around eight. That should get us to Santa Barbara by ten, and we'll have time for a ride or something before lunch. The boys are dying to go riding.” It was the first time she thought of it, and she knew it was one of the few things she shouldn't do, and she wondered if Bill would be disappointed.

“I think I might just relax tomorrow while you gentlemen go riding.”

“Don't you like horses, Adrian?” He seemed surprised. He'd been hoping to organize an overnight pack trip when they got to Lake Tahoe. But admittedly, if he couldn't, it wouldn't be a disaster either. He was pretty easygoing about their vacation.

“Not that much. And I'm not an absolutely marvelous rider.”

“Neither are we. Well, see how you feel about it tomorrow. And we'll pick you up at eight tomorrow morning.” He could hardly wait, and neither could she, as she lay in bed thinking about it that night, and as she did, she ran a hand over her stomach. It was no longer quite so concave, and there was a subtle roundness that was beginning to protrude between her hipbones. And when she stood up, she could really feel it.Some of her clothes were beginning to feel tight, and she was wondering when people would start to notice. Everything would change for her then, including her relationship with Bill. She knew that there was no way he would want to go anywhere with her once it was obvious that she was pregnant. But at least for the moment, she could enjoy being with him, and she was really looking forward to the vacation. And there was no reason why he would suspect then, as long as she wore loose shirts over her jeans and sweatshirts and sweaters.

They picked her up at exactly eight-fifteen, and everything was ready. Bill picked up both her bags, and she carried a small tote bag with her makeup and toiletries, some snacks for all of them, and the games she had bought for his children.

Bill looked happy and relaxed, and he bent toward her as though he was about to kiss her when he arrived, and then remembered himself and backed away with a shy glance at her, and a look over his shoulder at the two children. He had rented a Wagoneer, and they were fully equipped for all aspects of their trip. The back was piled high with sleeping bags and equipment and valises.

“Is everybody ready?” he asked, beaming at her, as she smiled at him from the front seat next to him, and then glanced back at the two children.

“We are!” they responded in unison.

“Good! Then let's get this show on the road!” He put the car in drive, and they headed north on the freeway. Adam was wearing earphones and listening to a tape, and Tommy hummed to himself as he played with an assortment of little men and soldiers. And Bill and Adrian chatted easily in the front seat. It was just like being an ordinary family, off on their summer vacation, and as she thought of it, Adrian started to giggle. She had a big blue bow in her hair, and a pale blue sweatshirt on, and a pair of ancient jeans and sneakers, and Bill thought she looked like a kid herself as she sat next to him and laughed. “What's so funny?”

“Nothing. I love this. I feel like I'm playing a part in a sitcom.”

“Better than a part in a soap.” He grinned. “Then you'd have to be married to a man who drinks, with a daughter who had recently run away, and a son who was secretly gay, or you might even be pregnant by someone else, or fighting a fatal disease.” He reeled off the possibilities, and although some of them were more apt than he knew, she was still smiling.

“This is a whole lot better.”

“It sure is.” He put the radio on, and they drove easily to Santa Barbara, and stopped at the San Ysidro Ranch just after ten-thirty. There was an adorable cottage waiting for them, with two bedrooms and two baths, and a cozy living room with a fireplace. It looked like a honeymoon cottage, and Bill put his things in the boys' room, as he had said he would, and gave Adrian the nicer of the two bedrooms.

“Are you sure?” she asked apologetically. She felt guilty taking the prettier room, but he insisted that he was happy sharing with the boys in the other. “I could sleep on the couch.”

“Sure you could. Or on the floor. Why don't we do that in San Francisco?”

She laughed at him and helped the boys put their things away, and a few minutes later, Bill and the two boys went to inquire about hiring horses. She had begged off, saying that she would organize everything. They were staying there for two days. And when they got back, everything looked neat and tidy.

“You're a good organizer,” he said, smiling.

“Thank you. How was your ride?”

“Lovely. You should have come. The horses are so tame, you could ride them with your eyes closed.” Yes, but not with her baby.

“Maybe next time.” He sensed that it was something she didn't want to do, so he didn't force it. They ordered lunch and then lay by the pool. But by midafternoon, the boys were bored and chafing for something to do, so Bill organized a game of tennis. It was a perfect match, they were all equally unskilled and laughed so hard they could hardly play at all. Their conclusion was that Adrian and Tommy won, but only by default, and only because Adam and Bill played even worse than their opponents.

They had dinner in the ranch dining room, and then brought the children back to the cottage to bathe and watch television before Bill put them to bed at nine o'clock and told them he didn't want to hear another word, which, of course, he did until almost eleven. They whispered and played, and Tommy came out in tears when he couldn't find the battered rabbit that he always slept with. Adam had hidden it under the bed, and Bill looked happy and tired when the boys finally fell asleep, and he and Adrian sat in the living room and talked in whispers in front of the fireplace.

“They're so cute,” she said. She really admired the way he handled them, with more kindness than firmness, and a lot of common sense and love and reason.

“Especially when they're asleep,” he agreed. He wanted to tell her she was cute, too, but he didn't dare. One of the children might have woken up and been listening. “Are you sure you won't go bonkers with two weeks of this?”

“Yes, and I'm going to be awfully lonely when I go home again.”

“So will I, when they leave,” he said pensively, “it's just brutal. It's always like a reminder of the bad old days when I first moved out here after Leslie left me. But at least now I get busy with the show and I readjust pretty quickly.” And maybe this year he'd get lucky and get busy with her. He was hoping that would be the case, but he still wasn't sure what Adrian expected. Distance or closeness. He was never quite sure. Friendship, or romance, or both. He was still being extremely cautious so he didn't lose her. She seldom mentioned her husband anymore, but he knew that he was still very much on her mind, just from little things she said. And Adam had had a good point about her wedding band. Just exactly why did she wear it?

“I can't thank you enough for letting me come on this vacation.”

“Don't worry. You'll hate me for it before it's over.” He grinned, but they both knew that wasn't true. The boys were terrific.

“Is there anything special you want me to do? Stuff I can do to help you with them?”

“They'll let you know.”

“I don't know much about kids,” she said wistfully, but she was going to have to learn soon.

“They'll teach you everything you need to know. I think what means the most to them,” he said thoughtfully as he sat back against the couch next to her, “is honesty. That means a lot to kids. Most kids have a lot of respect for straight shooters.”

“So do I.” It was something she had liked about him right since the beginning.

“I like that about you too,” he said calmly, still speaking softly so they wouldn't wake the children. “There are a lot of things I like about you, Adrian.” She was silent for a moment and then she nodded.

“I can't have been much fun in the past few weeks. My life has been kind of up in the air.” That was the understatement of a lifetime.

“You seem to be handling it pretty well, all things considered. It's a bitch when you're not the one who wants a divorce. But sometimes I think those things happen for a reason. Maybe there's something better out there waiting for you … a situation that might make you a lot happier than your marriage to Steven.” It was hard to imagine that, not that they had been so blissfully happy every moment of the day. But she had never questioned what they had. It just seemed right, and as though it was forever. “What did your parents say when he left?” He had already surmised that she wasn't close to them, but he imagined they would be pretty shocked in proper Boston.

She hesitated and then smiled, obviously slightly embarrassed. “I haven't told them.”

“Are you serious?” She nodded. “Why?”

“I didn't want to upset them. And I thought that if he came back, it would just be less awkward not to have told them.”

“That's one way to look at it. Do you think he will come back?” His heart did a flip as he asked the question.

She shook her head, unable to explain all the complicated ins and outs of the situation. Unwilling more than unable. She did not want to tell him that she was pregnant. “No, but there are some complicated little problems that make the whole thing difficult to explain to my parents.” Maybe he was gay, Bill thought. That was a possibility he hadn't even considered. And he didn't want to pry and embarrass her further. That would have explained a lot, and she didn't appear to want to elaborate on the matter.

They chatted on for a while, and eventually they stood up and said good night, as he looked longingly at her, and smiled as she waved and closed the door to her bedroom. She didn't lock the door that night, because she trusted him and knew she didn't need to. And she didn't wake up until the next day when she heard the boys listening to the television in the living room. It was eight o'clock in the morning. And by the time she came out, showered and fresh, in jeans, a pink shirt, and pink sneakers, Bill had already ordered her breakfast.

“Are pancakes and sausages okay?” he asked, glancing over the paper, as she groaned.

“Great. Except I'll be as big as a house before we ever get to Lake Tahoe.” He already knew that she liked to eat, and he admired the fact that it didn't really show, except slightly around her middle.

“You can diet when we get back. I'll join you.” He had sausages and eggs and toast and orange juice and coffee, and Adrian ate everything on her plate, and the boys devoured silver dollar pancakes. They went for another morning ride, and that afternoon they walked all over Santa Barbara. She bought the boys a kite, and they drove out to the beach after that to fly it. And they were all windblown and happy when they went back to the hotel for dinner. And that night the boys fell into bed exhausted, shortly after seven. She had forced them to take a bath, and they had growled at her, but Bill had seconded her suggestion.

“What kind of vacation is this anyway?” Tommy looked outraged as she answered.

“A clean one!” But they had forgiven her by the time they went to bed and she told them a long, long story. It was a story she remembered from when she was a little girl, about a boy who had gone far, far across the ocean and discovered a magic island. Her father had told it to her, and she embellished it for them, and they both fell asleep right after she told it.

“What did you do? Give them sleeping pills? I've never seen them conk out like that,” he said admiringly.

“I think it was the kite and the beach and the bath, and the big dinner. I'm ready to fall asleep too,” she laughed, as he poured them each a glass of wine. It had been a wonderful day, and even a call from the director of the show hadn't upset him. There was a minor problem that was easily resolved by phone, and he was totally relaxed as he sat next to her on the couch and they chatted about his children.

“Did you always know you'd like kids?” she asked.

“Hell, no.” He laughed. “When I first heard Leslie was pregnant I was scared stiff'. I didn't know one end of a baby from the other.” She smiled at his answer. That's how Steven was, but he hadn't stood his ground to face it, he had run away, unlike Bill with Adam. She was still convinced that eventually he would have discovered it wasn't so bad … if he'd been willing to try …and he might still…. “You're good with kids, Adrian. You should have children one day. You'd be a wonderful mother.”

“How do you know that?” she asked worriedly. “What if I weren't?” It was something she had worried about a lot lately.

“How does anyone know? You do your best. You can't do more than that.”

“It's pretty scary.”

He nodded his agreement. “But so is anything in life. How did you know you'd be any good at working on the news, or going to college, or being married? You tried it. That's all you can do.”

“Yeah.” She smiled ruefully. “And I wasn't so great at that.”

“Bullshit, it sounds more to me like he blew it, you didn't. You didn't walk out on him. He did.”

“He had his reasons.”

“Probably. But at least you tried. You can't spend the rest of your life reproaching yourself or feeling guilty.”

“Don't you?” she asked honestly. “Don't you feel somewhat responsible for the failure of your marriage?”

“Yes.” He was equally honest. “But I know it wasn't entirely my fault. I worked too hard and I neglected my wife, but I loved her and I was a good husband, and I wouldn't have left her. So some of it is my fault, but not all of it. I don't feel nearly as responsible as I used to.”

“That's encouraging. I still feel so damn guilty.” She hesitated and then decided to tell him. “…And like such a failure.”

“You're not. You just have to tell yourself that it didn't work. The next time it will be better,” he said confidently, and this time she laughed.

“Oh, 'the next time.' What makes you think there'll be a 'next time'? I'm not that dumb … or that brave!” And besides, with a baby on her own, who would want her? She still couldn't envision a future with anyone except Steven. But Bill sat back and hooted at what she'd said to him.

“Are you serious? Do you really think this is it? At thirty-one, you think it's all over?” He looked more amused than sympathetic. “That's the silliest thing I've ever heard.” Particularly for a woman who looked and thought and behaved the way she did. Any man in the world would have been lucky to share his life with her, and he would have been more than happy to try it.

“Well, you haven't done it again.” She looked at him searchingly and he smiled.

“You're right. But I've never found the right woman.” He had also been pretty careful not to.

“Why not?”

“Scared,” he admitted to her. “Busy. Lazy. Not in the mood. A lot of reasons. Besides, I was older than you are when I got divorced. I already had two kids. And I knew I didn't want any more children. That took away some of my incentive to look for someone to marry.”

“Why not? No more kids, I mean.”

“I don't want to have kids and lose them again,” he said, almost sadly. “Once is enough. I couldn't do this again. It tears my heart out every time they go back to New York. I wouldn't be willing to take that risk again now.” She nodded, thinking that she understood it.

“It must be rough,” she said sympathetically.

“It is. Rougher than you can imagine.” And then he smiled tenderly at her, and for a moment she wanted to tell him about the baby.

“Sometimes life is more complicated than it looks,” she said cryptically.

“That's for sure.” He wondered what she meant but didn't press her. He had a feeling that more had happened with Steven than she was willing to tell him. Another woman, another man, some special kind of heartbreak or disappointment.

They talked for a long time that night, sitting close to each other, looking into the fire. It was a cool night and he had lit it early on and it was still burning. The children never stirred, and they were both tired, but neither of them seemed to want to leave the other. They seemed to have a myriad of things to talk about, experiences to relate, opinions to share, and as the night wore on, without thinking, Bill seemed to move closer to her. It was an expression of how he felt about her, and she didn't seem to object, and suddenly near midnight, he looked at her and couldn't remember what he'd been saying. All he could think of was how much he wanted her, and without thinking, he reached out and touched her face with both his hands, and murmuring her name, he gently kissed her. She hadn't been prepared for it, and she was totally surprised, yet she didn't push him away or move. And she found herself kissing him back, and then longing for him as he held her. And then finally, she pulled away and looked up at him sadly.

“Bill …don't …”

“I'm sorry,” he said, but he wasn't. He had never been happier in his life, never wanted a woman more, never loved anyone as he loved her. He loved her with all the emptiness and longing of the past seven years, and all the tenderness and wisdom of his full forty. “I'm sorry, Adrian … I didn't mean to upset you. …”

She stood up slowly and walked across the room, as though she had to pull herself away physically so she wouldn't do something foolish. “You haven't upset me.” She turned and looked at him regretfully. “It's just … I can't explain it … I don't want to cause you pain.”

“Me?” He looked stunned. “How could you possibly cause me pain?” He walked toward her and took her hands in his own, looking deep into the blue eyes he already loved so dearly.

“Take my word for it. I have nothing to give anyone just now. Except headaches.”

He smiled at her. “You make it sound very appealing.” He wanted to kiss her again, but he forced himself not to.

“I'm serious.” And she looked it. She was a lot more serious than he knew. She didn't want to burden anyone with the responsibility of her baby. If Steven didn't want it, then she had no right to burden anyone else with it, certainly not Bill, who had his life and his hands full with his own children. And he had already told her he didn't want more. This was her problem, and no one else's.

“I'm serious, too, Adrian. I didn't want to rush you, because I know the divorce has been a tremendous blow.” He looked down at her and everything he felt for her seemed to pour through him. “Adrian … I love you. I know this sounds crazy, and it hasn't been long, but I do. I'm not going to press you, and if this is the wrong time, I'll wait …but give it a chance, please …give me a chance.” He was whispering and then he couldn't stop himself from doing it again. He kissed her. And at first she tried to resist him, but only for a moment and then she melted into his arms again, knowing that she was falling in love with him too. But she couldn't. It wasn't fair. She was breathless and looked worried when he stopped and he only smiled and touched her lips with his fingers. “I'm a big boy. I can take care of myself. Don't worry about upsetting me. I can wait till you sort things out with Steven.”

“But that's not fair to you.”

“It's even less fair not to let this happen. We've been drawn to each other like magnets since we met. Call it kismet, destiny, fate, call it whatever you want. But I feel as though it was meant to be. And I don't want to lose that. You can't run away from it, and I'm not rushing you. I'll wait. Forever, if I have to.” It was quite an offer and she was touched to her very soul. She felt the same way about him, but the baby changed everything for her. She had to give Steven a chance to come back, if he changed the mind. And she had to devote all her love and energies to the baby. And it wasn't fair to walk into Bill's life pregnant by her previous husband. It sounded too much like the bible for his show, and she almost groaned as she thought of trying to explain it. “I promise, I won't try to force anything. I won't even kiss you again while we're away if you don't want me to. I just want to be with you, and get to know you.”

“Oh, Bill.” She slipped into his arms again and he held her for a long time, and she wanted to stay there forever. He was everything she had always wanted, except that he wasn't her husband, or the baby's father. “I don't know what to say.”

“Don't say anything. Just be patient with yourself, and with me. And give it time. And then we'll see. Maybe we'll discover that it's not right and it never will be. But at least let's give it a fair chance. Okay?” He looked down at her hopefully as she thought it over. “Please …”

“But you don't know …there's so much you don't know about me.”

“What can it possibly be that's so terrible? You cheated on your husband? What terrible secrets are you hiding from me?” He was teasing her to lighten the moment, and she smiled. It wasn't a terrible secret, just a big one. A baby. “I can't believe that there's anything so awful lurking in your past, or even your present, that would change how I feel about you.” She almost laughed at that, remembering how strongly Steven had felt about the baby. But this was not Steven, it was Bill, and she almost believed that he really loved her. But taking her on pregnant was asking too much of anyone, even Bill. She just couldn't do that. “Why don't we just let things ride for a while, relax, enjoy our holiday, and when we go home we can get serious about things, and talk everything over. Is that a deal? Shall we keep it light till then? And I'll behave myself. I promise.” He held out his hand to shake hers and overcame, with difficulty, another overwhelming desire to kiss her. “Agreed?”

She shook his hand reluctantly and smiled. “You drive a hard bargain.” But she was glad. For a moment, she had been tempted to go back to L.A. to get away from her own desire for him, but she was glad that she hadn't.

“And don't you forget it.” He wagged a finger at her. “I play for keeps,” he whispered as he turned off the lights, and a few minutes later, they both went to bed, with their own thoughts, and the memory of the passion that had almost been unleashed between them. But they both knew it was there now, and even if they controlled it, sooner or later it would have to be dealt with. He was a serious man, Adrian knew, and a serious force to contend with.

THEY DROVE TO SAN FRANCISCO THE NEXT DAY, AND they stopped in Carmel on the way, and browsed through the little shops, talking and laughing, and Adrian bought little odds and ends for the boys. But today, Bill was fairly quiet. He was thinking of the night before, and wondering what it was that she was so worried about, why it was that she was so certain he would reject her. He knew it had to do with her marriage, or her divorce, and he wondered what it was that she wouldn't tell him.

But by the time they reached San Francisco, he had relaxed again, and he was feeling better. They went to Fisherman's Wharf, rode the cable cars, visited Ghirardelli Square, and stopped at every possible tourist attraction. It was an exhausting two days, and Adrian looked pale when they finally headed for the Napa Valley.

“You okay?” Bill asked softly the morning they left. He was driving, although she had offered to take a turn at the wheel, but he wanted her to relax and enjoy the drive through Sonoma. There were fields of wild-flowers and vineyards, cows and sheep and horses grazing in fields, and beautiful tall trees that shaded them as the road turned, and they could see the hills in the distance. “You look tired.” He was worried about her. She seemed to tire very easily, and she would grow pale, although she seldom complained about it. But she seemed healthy on the whole, she ate well, and she was always in excellent spirits. After their serious exchange on the second night of the trip, he had forced himself not to get too close to her, or tackle any serious subjects. She knew how he felt about her now, and he easily sensed that she felt the same, but he also knew that something was stopping her, and he wanted to give her plenty of time and space to resolve it. The one thing he was sure of was that he didn't want to lose her.

She was also wonderful with the boys, and they had never been happier with any of his friends. They teased her mercilessly, and Tommy loved to tickle her, and play with her hair and climb all over her just to let her know that he liked her. They were crazy about her, and they looked like a perfectly normal family as they made their way through the Napa Valley. They stayed at a cozy Victorian inn, visited several wineries, and drove slowly north, after a hot, sunny afternoon gliding in Calistoga. She wouldn't go gliding with them, but Bill didn't press the point, nor would she go in the hot-air balloon he rented to show the boys the rest of the Napa Valley at sunrise. She insisted that she hated heights and absolutely refused to do it, and he had a feeling there was more to it than that, but she wouldn't say what and he didn't want to ask her. The boys were disappointed that she wouldn't go, and she tried to make light of it. And then, without thinking any more about it, they headed for Lake Tahoe. She shared the driving with him, but she liked to stop every couple of hours to stretch her legs. She said she got too stiff if she drove for too long without stopping. So they stopped at the Nut Tree on the way up, and again at Placerville, and the boys had a great time riding the train at the Nut Tree.

They reached Lake Tahoe on Friday afternoon, and the mountain air was cool and beautiful, beneath a cameo-blue sky with little puffs of white cloud chasing each other across the mountains. It was perfect.

They easily found the campsite they had reserved, and Bill set up their tents. He had a larger one for him and the boys, and a smaller one he had bought especially for Adrian. He set them up side by side, and Tommy announced he wanted to sleep with her, which was going to be very cozy, but she seemed very flattered. They had all been wonderful to her, and in some ways, she felt as though she didn't deserve it. She was driving herself nuts weighing everything, thinking of what they meant to her, and yet feeling that at some point she would have to pull back. She couldn't get involved with Bill, if she was going to have the baby. And yet, she couldn't seem to stay away from him. All she wanted to do was talk to him night and day, and look at him, and enjoy his company and feel his warmth somewhere near her. She kept finding herself standing next to him, brushing hands with him, wanting to feel his hands on her face again, and his lips on hers. And all she could do was look at him and wish that things were different. She didn't regret the baby inside her, but she found herself regretting that the baby wasn't his, wishing that life had dealt them a different hand, and she had never married Steven.

“What were you thinking about just then?” She had been standing still, staring into the woods, and he had been watching her. She had looked so sad that it worried him, like her occasional pallor.

“Nothing …” She didn't want to tell him. “Just dreaming.”

“Yes, you were thinking about something. You looked so sad.” He touched her hand for an instant and then pulled away. He had to keep reminding himself not to touch her, and it was anything but easy. He wanted to tell her again that he loved her, but he knew he had to wait, until she was ready to hear it.

He went on setting up the tents, and Adam helped him expertly. They did a very fine job, and then Adam and Adrian went to buy groceries while Bill and Tommy “set up camp.” They were having a great time, and Adrian loved it. They bought steaks for Bill to barbecue, and hot dogs and marshmallows, and lots of good things for breakfast. Adrian was beginning to feel as though they were eating night and day, and she was becoming distinctly aware of her expanding waistline. In the week they had been gone, she had outgrown almost everything she had brought with her. It wasn't so much that she had put on weight, but suddenly her shape had changed radically, almost overnight, and their first night there she had to borrow one of Bill's big bulky sweaters. He didn't seem to mind, or to notice the reason for it, for which she was very grateful. She didn't want him to know, and she was still wondering how she was going to cut things off when they got home. It wasn't fair to continue tormenting him, or herself, and she couldn't begin a romance with him while she was pregnant. Maybe afterward, if they just stayed friends. Maybe then, if he knew about the baby, then maybe it would be fair …she thought about it constantly, and he could see that she was deeply troubled.

“You're doing it again,” he whispered as they sat by the campfire that night, after a delicious dinner. The boys had sung songs until they fell asleep, and they were both in Bill's tent, but Tommy swore he was sleeping with Adrian the next night.

“Doing what?” she mused, sitting close to him and staring into the fire with a distant look. It had been a lovely evening.

“Thinking about something much too serious. Every now and then your eyes get sad. I wish you'd tell me what's bothering you.” It upset him that she shut him out at times, yet most of the time they had never been closer.

“Nothing's bothering me.” But she wasn't convincing and he wasn't convinced.

“I wish I believed you.”

“I've never been happier.” She looked him in the eye and he believed her, and yet he knew she was also preoccupied about something. She was worrying about the baby. How she would take care of it. What it would be like being all alone with it …giving birth with no one there to support her. As the baby grew, it became more real to her, and she was beginning to get worried. And she was afraid of losing Bill, and yet she knew she had to. It was inevitable once he knew, if not sooner. And suddenly, as she thought of all that, there were tears in her eyes, and Bill saw it, and without saying a word to her, he pulled her into his arms and held her.

“I'm right here for you, Adrian …I'm right here., for as long as you need me.”

“Why are you so good to me?” she said through her tears. “I don't deserve this.”

“Stop saying that.”

She felt so guilty toward him. It wasn't fair misleading him and not telling him about the baby, and yet she couldn't. What could she tell him? That she was here on a camping trip with him and his children, and she was falling in love with him, and yet she was pregnant with Steven's baby? How could she? And then suddenly she was laughing through her tears at the absurdity of it all. It was a ridiculous situation.

“Where were you a few years ago anyway?” She laughed and he smiled in answer to her question.

“Making a fool of myself as usual. But better late than never.” The trouble was that he was too late.

She nodded, and they sat that way for a long time, holding each other, and looking into the fire, but this time he didn't kiss her. He wanted to, but he didn't want to upset her.

He suggested they go to bed finally, and helped her into her tent, and then got into his sleeping bag in his, and a minute later he heard a noise, and she was standing next to him, looking worried.

“What's wrong? Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” she whispered nervously, “I heard a noise over there.” She pointed into the distance outside his tent. “Did you hear it?”

He shook his head, he had already been half asleep when she woke him. “No, it's nothing. Coyotes maybe.”

“Do you think it could be a bear?”

He grinned at her, wanting to tell her it was ten of them and she'd better get in his sleeping bag to stay safe, but he didn't. “I don't think so. And the bears around here are pretty tame,” despite an occasional disaster, but usually then the bears were teased, they seldom if ever attacked unprovoked, and she wasn't provoking anyone but him, standing there in her blue jeans and his sweater. “Do you want to sleep in here with us? It'll be a tight fit, but the boys will love it.” She nodded, looking like a kid, and he smiled at her as she settled down in her own sleeping bag next to him, and she fell asleep, holding tightly to his hand as he lay next to her, and watched her.

THE FOUR OF THEM WOKE UP IN THE TENT TOGETHER the next day, and Tommy immediately took advantage of the situation to pounce on his father. He tickled him mercilessly, and then Adam and Bill turned the tables on Tommy. Adrian had to come to his rescue then, so Bill tickled her, while Adam assisted, and within moments they were a wild tangle of arms and legs and feet and squeals and hands that were tickling anything, anywhere on anyone, until Adrian finally begged them to stop, laughing so hard, she split the zipper on her blue jeans. Fortunately, she knew she had another pair, so she didn't panic. But she was laughing so hard, she could hardly walk, and so were the others as they all stumbled out into the sunshine. It was a nice way to wake up, and it was certainly a lot better than waking up in the empty silence of her now unfurnished apartment.

“How come you slept with us last night?” Adam asked as he stretched in the sunshine.

“She was afraid of being eaten by a bear,” Bill explained matter-of-factly.

“I was not.” She tried to cover up as he hooted and the kids grinned.

“You were too! Who showed up in our tent after we were all asleep and said she heard noises?”

“I thought you said it was coyotes.”

“I did.”

“All right, then, I was afraid of being eaten by a coyote.” She laughed and they laughed with her, and as she organized breakfast with Adam's help, Bill announced plans to take everyone fishing right after breakfast.

“And we can eat whatever we catch for dinner tonight.”

“Great. Who's cleaning?” Adam was quick to ask. He knew that game from previous camping trips with his father. He usually wound up cleaning the fish even when his father did have a girlfriend along, because they were always too squeamish.

“I'll tell you what,” Bill suggested as Adrian lit the fire. “We each clean our own. Is that fair?”

“Perfectly,” Adrian agreed with a broad grin, “because I've never caught anything in my life. I'll have a hot dog.”

“No fair!” Adam complained, sniffing at the bacon she was cooking.

“Can we have corn bread?” Tommy inquired, it was one of his favorite things about camping. That and sharing a sleeping bag with his father. It was like sleeping with a big teddy bear who cuddled all night and kept you warm and toasty.

“I'll cook some tonight,” Bill promised, looking up at the sky. It was a gorgeous day, and all was right with the world. He looked at Adrian over the boys' heads, and smiled at her, and she felt her heart turn to mush inside her.

“Why don't we go swimming today?'' Adrian suggested as she fried her eggs. It was almost warm enough already, and in another hour it would be. It was freezing in the lake, but there was a lively river that ran a little distance behind where they were camping. They had seen it the day before, and there was a cascade of water running out of the mountains that made a sizable current to raft on.

“Let's go fishing first.” It was Bill's suggestion, as she served him his breakfast and then served the children. But they agreed with Adrian, they wanted to go swimming, and fishing later.

“All right, all right. We'll go swimming, and then I'll buy the bait. And after lunch, we can get down to serious business. And whoever doesn't catch a fish will starve.” He growled at them and they all laughed, as Adrian looked at him primly.

“Just don't forget my hot dog.”

“Oh, no. You too. And don't tell me you're afraid of water.” He was teasing her because she hadn't gone gliding or up in the balloon in the Napa Valley. But that was because of the baby, just like the horses she had avoided in Santa Barbara. The only thing was, he didn't know it.

“I am not afraid of water.” She looked highly insulted at the suggestion, as she finished her eggs. She had just eaten yet another mammoth breakfast. But the mountain air made her ravenously hungry. “I was captain of the swimming team at Stanford, thank you very much. And I was a lifeguard for two summers.”

“Can you dive real good?” Tommy inquired, highly impressed by her credentials.

“Pretty good.” She smiled at him, tousling his hair with a gentle hand.

“Will you teach me when we get back to Dad's place?”

“Sure.”

“Me too,” Adam said quietly. He liked her a lot, and he admired her even if she hadn't gone up in the hot-air balloon. “Dad taught me to dive last year, but I think I forgot over the winter.”

“We'll get to work on it as soon as we get back.” She cleaned up the breakfast things then, and they helped her. They rolled up their sleeping bags, and then took turns changing into their bathing suits, before zipping up their tents and going to the river. Adrian wore a T-shirt over her suit, which looked fine, even to Bill.

And they found a wonderful swimming hole full of other families and children and jumped in and out of it, laughing and teasing, and splashing water on each other. And in the distance, well beyond it and some rocks, were the rapids where people were rafting.

They played in the swimming hole for well over an hour, and then finally Bill got out and announced that he was driving to the store to buy bait and some supplies and he'd be back in a little while, and Adrian and the boys opted to stay in the swimming hole until he came back again. They were having a good time, and there was plenty of time for fishing later. He also wanted to look into renting a boat for them, and he had to go to the bait-and-tackle shop to do it.

“I'll meet you back at the campsite,” he called out to Adrian with a wave as he disappeared across the clearing, and she turned back to the children. Tommy was having a wonderful time, and Adam was trying to dive underwater to see how deep it was, but she told him not to. The water wasn't clear and she couldn't tell if there were rocks and she didn't want him getting hurt, but he was very reasonable and listened to what she told him. She was explaining to him that it was never a good idea to dive where you didn't know exactly how deep it was, and she turned to explain the same thing to Tommy, and as she did, she realized that he was nowhere to be found. She began to panic as she looked for him, then she saw him on the rocks, watching the people in the rafts shooting the rapids in the river just beyond them. She called out to him, ready to scold him for leaving the swimming hole without telling her, and he didn't seem to hear her. She called him again, and then decided to get out and go get him. She asked Adam to get out and wait for her, and she got out and clambered over the rocks to go and get Tommy.

She called his name and Tommy turned and grinned mischievously at her, and she climbed over more rocks in her effort to reach him. He was standing on the riverbank and leaning as far forward as he could, as three rafts came racing past him. It looked like great fun to him, and he was planning to ask his father to rent a raft and take them rafting. It was a lot more fun than renting a rowboat and fishing in the middle of Lake Tahoe.

“Tommy! Come back here!” she called out to him, and Adam followed her over the rocks a little more slowly, annoyed that his brother had dragged them out of the swimming hole. But as he watched him, suddenly the smaller boy disappeared. He slipped right off the bank and into the turbulent water. “Tommy!” Adrian screamed at him. She had seen it, too, but he didn't hear her as he began moving swiftly downstream toward the rocks that were far down the river.

Adrian looked frantically for something to hold out to him, an oar, a pole, a limb from a tree, and at first there was nothing, and no one had yet seen what had happened. Adam came running toward her and he started to scream the boy's name, too, but all Adrian could see was a look of panic on Tommy's face as he was carried downstream, and suddenly two men realized what had happened.

“Get him! …Get the boy! …” one of them shouted to the people in the raft, but they couldn't hear over the roar of the water, and they didn't see the small figure in the blue bathing suit as he bobbed under the water. He was flailing wildly with his arms, but he kept going down and Adrian realized instantly that something terrible was about to happen. Adam was crying hysterically, and he started to jump in, but she grabbed at him and pushed him roughly aside, shouting at him as she pushed him away from the water.

“No! Adam, don't you go in there!” and as soon as she said the words she ran away from him, and as fast as she could, she ran along the river, sailing over rocks, and leaping over obstacles and trees and pushing away people in her path. She had never run so fast in her life and she knew that his life depended on it, and all along the riverbank people were screaming. They had seen him now. But everyone seemed to be helpless. Two men shoved an oar at him from one of the boats, but he was too small and too stunned to grab it, and he was pushed under the surface by the currents and disappeared again as Adrian continued to run without stopping for breath or for anything. She knew exactly what she was doing and where she was going, if only it wasn't too late by the time she got there. She could feel branches rip her legs, and something struck her hip, and her feet were numb from the sharp rocks, and her lungs screamed, but she could still see him, and then she dove, just before the rocks where the water was the roughest. She dove smoothly near the surface of the water, praying that she wouldn't hit anything and that she could catch him before it was too late. If she didn't, it would be all over, and no matter what it took, she knew she couldn't let that happen.

She was almost hit by an oar as she swam past, strong and swift and sure, battered by the currents, and in the distance she could hear people shouting, and from somewhere there was the whine of a siren. And then, as she was pushed down by the force of the water, suddenly she struck something hard, it hit her in the face, and she grabbed at it, and as she touched it, she knew she had him. It was Tommy. She pushed him to the surface, gasping for air herself, and the current dragged her down again, but she shoved him high above her head, trying to force him out of the water. He was sputtering and gasping, and swallowing water each time they went down, and he was fighting her with what strength he had, but she wouldn't loosen her grip on him and as the currents kept ripping at her, she kept pushing him upward, and then suddenly he was gone. She couldn't feel the weight of him anymore. He was somewhere and she couldn't find him, she was pressed down into a black hole, and she was falling into something very deep and very soft, and it was quiet there, as she continued falling.

IT SOUNDED AS THOUGH THERE WERE SIRENS EVERY-where as Bill came back from the bait shop. He set his bag down outside the tent, and stretched his legs in the sun as he waited for them, and as he sat there, an ambulance roared past him. He had an odd feeling for just a moment as he watched it disappear, and then almost instinctively began walking toward the swimming hole where he had left Adrian and the children. And as he got there, he found Adam, running up and down on the riverbank, crying hysterically and waving his arms in the direction of the river.

“Oh my God …” Bill felt his whole body trembling as he ran to him, and several adults were already standing there trying to console him. Adam was calling Tommy's name and when he saw his father he ran to him. Bill clutched Adam to him and then pulled him away just as quickly. “What happened? What happened?” He shook him trying to calm him so he could understand, but Adam could only wave in the direction where the ambulance and two forestry jeeps now stood, and Bill left him and ran frantically toward them.

There was a huge crowd of people near them now, and people from the rafts were shouting something, just as Bill reached the spot where a cluster of rangers stood, several of them half in the water, and Bill saw them grab a small lump of flesh with a patch of bright blue, and he realized with horror that it was his son, unconscious and blue, and they laid him quickly on the ground, checked his breathing, and one of the men began breathing for him, as Bill sobbed, watching. He was dead … he had to be …people were staring in horror as Bill pushed past them to the boy and dropped to his knees next to the rangers.

“Please …oh …God …please … do something…” All he could think of was the boy, the baby he so dearly loved, and as he watched him, suddenly there was a terrible splutter and a cough and a explosion of water. He was still gray, but he moved, and a moment later, he opened his eyes and looked up at his father. He seemed a little dazed at first, and then he started to cry, as Bill leaned his face down next to his and sobbed as he held him. “Oh, baby …oh, baby …Tommy., I love you …”

“It …I …” He gagged again, and vomited what looked like gallons of water, but the paramedics were watching him closely and he was going to be all right. He looked bruised, and there was mud in his hair and there were scratches all over him, but he was alive. He kept looking at Bill frantically, and when he stopped vomiting he spoke, and Bill's heart almost stopped when he heard him. “Where's …Adrian?”Adrian. Oh my God. He turned, suddenly realizing that he hadn't seen her anywhere, and as he turned, he saw the men lifting her limp form from the water.

“Watch him!” Bill said to one of the men standing near the boy, and in two strides he was next to her, but she looked dead. She was pale gray, and there was a terrible gash on one arm and one leg. But it was the look on her face that was so frightening. It reminded him of a highway accident he had seen once, and the woman had been dead in the car when he got there. Oh my God …can you do anything?” he asked, but no one was listening to him. They were trying to resuscitate her, and there was no response from her.

“Is she your wife?” someone asked him quickly, as he started to shake his head, and then nodded. It was simpler than explaining the situation. “She saved the boy,” the man explained. “He would have gone over the rocks in another minute. She kept him up near the surface till we got him, but I think she hit her head.” And there was blood gushing from the cut on her arm. There was blood everywhere as Bill watched in horror.

“Is she breathing?” Bill asked as he stared at her. There were four men bending over her body, and tears rolled down his cheeks as he watched. She had died trying to save his son …she had saved him and …they were trying to resuscitate her, but nothing was happening. And suddenly the siren was on again, and two of the men shouted to the driver.

“We've got a heartbeat!” She gave a small gasp then, but she still looked terrible, as they continued to give her artificial respiration, and then they looked victoriously at Bill. “She's breathing on her own again. We're going to take her to the hospital Do you want to ride with us?”

“Yes. Will she be all right?” he asked, as he looked frantically in the direction of where he had left Adam.

“We don't know yet. We don't know what kind of head injury she has, and she's lost a lot of blood from the wound in her arm. It's right near an artery. It's going to be close.” He looked at Bill honestly, as he wound a tourniquet around her arm, and he was keeping pressure on it. Adam had just come running up to him, he was still crying and he clung to his father, as the paramedics lifted Tommy into the ambulance on a stretcher. Bill hopped in after him, and someone helped Adam in and handed him a blanket, as two of the paramedics lifted Adrian in. She was still deathly white, and there was an oxygen mask on her face. Bill knelt down beside her.

“Is she dead?” Adam asked in a voice full of grief, and Tommy just stared at her. There were still leaves in her hair, and one of the men was keeping pressure on her arm, as Bill shook his head in answer to Adam's question. She wasn't dead, but she was barely breathing.

They made it to the hospital in ten minutes flat, with Bill praying as he stroked her face and watched her. Twice he saw the paramedics checking her more closely, and he could see they didn't like what they saw, but there was a team waiting for them when they got to Truckee. Tommy was lifted out after that, and Adam climbed out of the ambulance. They all looked as though they were in shock, and an elderly nurse spoke quietly to Bill.

“I'll stay with the boys so you can be with your wife. They'll be fine. We'll find some warm clothes for them, and they want to keep an eye on the little one for a while anyway. They'll be fine.” He nodded, and told them both he'd be back in a little while, and he pounded the pavement as he ran into the building where Adrian had been taken.

“Where is she?” he asked as soon as he was inside. They knew whom he meant, she was the most critically ill patient they had at the moment, and a nurse pointed to a pair of swinging doors almost at the same moment as he flew through them. He found himself inside a high-tech emergency room, and there seemed to be a thousand knobs and dials, a flood of bright lights, and a dozen people in green pajamas working on her still form. They seemed to be doing ten thousand things at once, and they were watching half a dozen monitors and reporting things in codes he didn't understand. It was like watching a science fiction movie. And inside he felt numb. He still couldn't understand what had happened. All he knew was that something terrible had happened to Tommy, and she had saved him, but at what price, and if she lived, he would be forever grateful. But for the moment that appeared to be less than likely. This woman whom he barely knew, the girl he had fallen in love with, was lying there like someone in a bad dream or a rotten movie.

“What's happening?” he asked them repeatedly, but they were too busy to answer. He saw them sew up her arm, start a blood transfusion, an IV, and administer an EKG, and still she was gray and unconscious. And he couldn't get near her. There were too many of them, and she was too injured, and there was too much they had to do to try to save her.

Finally, as he began to feel sick watching it all, one of the doctors took him aside and asked him if he would come outside for a few moments.

“Would you like to sit down?” He had noticed how desperate Bill looked, and Bill sank gratefully into a chair, thinking of what was happening in that room, the desperate fight for life that she appeared to be losing.

“What's happening?” he asked again, and this time he got the answers.

“As you obviously know, your wife almost drowned. She's taken a lot of water into her lungs, and she lost a great deal of blood from the cut on her arm. She hit an artery and that alone could have been fatal. There must have been something awfully sharp under the surface of the water. In addition, she appears to have sustained a considerable blow on the head. At first we were afraid of a fracture, but I think that's not the case. We think she's got a concussion, and of course things are complicated further by her condition.”

“What condition?” He looked horrified and confused. Her medical history was a complete mystery to him, and all he could think of were things like diabetes. “Will she be all right?”

“We don't know yet.” He looked even more serious then as he looked at Bill. “And given the extent of her injuries, it's a distinct possibility that she could lose the baby.” Bill stared at him in stupefaction as he said it.

“The baby?” He felt totally confused and like a complete fool.

“Of course,” the doctor went on, assuming he was in shock and having trouble remembering anything after almost losing his son, and still being in danger of losing his pregnant wife. “She must be, what …four, four and a half months pregnant?”

“I …of course …I …I'm just so upset, I …”It was insanity, why was he pretending she was his wife? And why did he feel like this? Why did he actually feel as though she were his wife and this were his baby? And why in God's name hadn't she told him? He felt as though he had had yet another shock, as the doctor asked him to stay where he was. He was going back to check on Adrian again and he would report to Bill the moment there was any change in the situation.

He sat there alone for a long time, trying to absorb what had happened and what he had just heard, and for a long moment, he just couldn't. It was impossible to understand what had gone on, except suddenly little pieces of the puzzle began to fit into place …her enormous appetite …the fact that she looked as though she had gained a little weight since he first met her …but far more importantly, Steven's leaving her …but why, if she was having a baby? He had to be some kind of son of a bitch, Bill thought to himself. And that was also why she kept thinking he might be coming back, and why she still wore her wedding ring probably …and it was why she was loath to get into a relationship with him. Suddenly, it all made sense.Except now she might lose the baby. Four and a half months was serious …and she might die herself, which was a great deal more so. He felt as though his heart had just been torn out, as another doctor came slowly toward him. He looked ominous as Bill stared up at him, afraid of what he was going to tell him.

“We've done everything we can for her. She's breathing on her own, she's had a unit of blood. The concussion is severe but not necessarily fatal, there's no fracture of her skull …but we're just going to have to wait. She's still unconscious.” And Bill knew that she could just slip into a coma and die. Those things happened sometimes. “There's no reason to expect permanent damage from this, if she survives. But the big question is, will she? We just don't have the answer to that yet.”

“And the baby?” He felt a responsibility for the baby now too. For both of them. He wanted them both to live. He wanted both of them … or just her …anything …but please don't let them die…. He looked at the doctor, waiting to hear the answer to his question.

“The pregnancy is still viable. We have a monitor on her, and so far everything looks fine. We're still getting a fetal heartbeat.”

“Thank God.” Bill stood, waiting for more. But there was nothing more. Only time would tell what would happen. “May I see her?”

“Of course. We're going to leave her where she is, until we see what happens. She's still in an emergency unit. We'll move her to ICU later, if she improves.” It was difficult to believe. A few hours earlier she'd been making bacon and eggs, and now suddenly she was on the brink of death, after saving Tommy.

“Is my boy all right?”

“I haven't seen him myself. But the last I heard, he and his brother were having lunch in the pediatric ward.” He smiled at Bill. “I'd say he's going to be okay. He's a lucky boy. I understand that only her quick thinking and heroic maneuvers saved him. She's a very slight woman, it's amazing she was able to hold him up like that. She must have gashed her arm somehow in the process …” and hit her head …and almost drowned …and almost lost her baby …and she hadn't hesitated for an instant, even knowing that she was pregnant. He owed her everything. If she lived long enough for him to repay it.

He walked into the special emergency unit then, and sat down next to her. There seemed to be machines hooked to every part of her, and the oxygen mask obscured part of her face, but he gently took her hand in his own and kissed her fingers. The knuckles were cut and bruised, and there was still earth underneath her fingernails. She must have struggled ferociously to save him.

“Adrian …”he whispered to her still form. “Hove you, sweetheart. I loved you the first time I ever saw you.” He had decided that if he never got a chance to say it to her, he was going to say it all to her now, whether she heard him or not, and maybe she would hear him and it would make a difference. “I loved you right away, that first night in the supermarket, when I almost ran you down … do you remember that?” He smiled as tears ran down his face and he kissed her fingers again. “And I loved you the next time …when I saw you in the parking lot at the complex. Do you remember that? I think it was a Sunday morning …and at the pool at the apartment … I love you … I love everything about you …and the boys love you too …Adam and Tommy. They want you to get better too.” He just went on talking to her, in his strong, gentle voice, and holding her hand carefully in his own. “And I love the baby too …that's right …and if you want that baby, so do I …I want you and the baby, Adrian. Both of you …and the baby is going to be just fine …the doctor said so.” He watched her face then, he thought he had seen her wince, but when he looked more closely, he thought he had imagined it. She seemed as expressionless as ever. He went on talking to her for a long time, crooning her name, and telling her how much he loved her and the baby. He rested his hand on the baby then, and felt the small lump that he had never noticed before, that she had never told him about, and he told the baby that he loved it, and that it had better stick around, or it was going to make a lot of people very unhappy. “That's right …you don't think your mom has gone through all this in order to have you bail out now, do you? So settle down and take it easy … right, Adrian? You tell the baby to relax. …” And then he kissed her gently on the cheek and talked to her some more, as one of the nurses watched him from the doorway. She had never seen anyone so distraught, and she had never heard anyone talk to a woman like that. As she listened, she thought Adrian was awfully lucky to have a man love her the way he did. And as she watched, she saw something on the monitors that caught her attention. She frowned and walked into the room, and as she approached, Adrian turned toward Bill and opened her eyes and then closed them. For an instant of sheer terror, he thought she had just died, and he let out an almost animal sound of grief, as he stood up and looked down at her again in anguish. But as he did, she opened her eyes again, and the nurse checked her vital signs and smiled down at her, and Bill smiled at her as he was crying. He couldn't speak anymore. She had taken his breath away, and he was so moved, he had started to tremble.