Heartbeat

“How nice. And how do I explain it to him later on? You tried it out and didn't like him? No, you don't get to rent fatherhood, Steven, to try it on. You either do it or you don't, like marriage, like love, like real life. This is not one of your tennis games, where you get to sample different partners and pick the ones who play the worst, so you can massage your ego.” He looked furious at what she had just said, but it was all true, and he knew it.

“Then just exactly why did you call me? Wasn't that what you wanted from me? Or are you trying to find the best offer?” The new diamond ring on her finger hadn't gone unnoticed, nor had Bill with his many offerings abandoned in the doorway.

“I don't need your best offer anymore. But I wanted to be sure I gave you a last shot at your son, before you gave him away forever. I thought you deserved that. I thought there was always the off chance that you would regret it bitterly one day, and that you might fall in love with him when he was born. But you didn't. All you want is to try him out like a car on a rental plan, and you want me back to maintain him, because you're 'willing' to forgive me for my 'betrayal,' as you call it. But the betrayal is not mine, but yours, and the baby is mine now.” He looked nonplussed, and not overly distressed at what she had just said. She wondered if he might even be relieved. But whatever he was, he hadn't changed. She knew that for sure now.

“You can tell him I offered to take you back and you refused, since you're so concerned with what you're going to tell him later.”

“On a trial basis, Steven. That's nothing.” Suddenly, she realized that she was shouting, but she didn't care. It felt good to finally be shouting at him. “I want to love him unconditionally, through thick and thin, handsome or ugly, good moods or bad, in sickness and health, with every ounce of love I have to give him. That's what I want to give our baby.” There were tears in her eyes, and as she said the words, she realized that it was exactly what she wanted to give Bill, everything she had to give, forever.

“There is no such thing as unconditional love, except among fools,” he said cynically.

“That's what I am then.” It was what she had offered him once upon a time, and what he had walked out on.

“Good luck then.” He stood looking at her for a long moment, and any feeling they had once had seemed to have dissipated between them. And then, a little more gently, “I'm sorry things didn't work out, Adrian.” But he didn't really seem sorry to be giving up his baby. For a brief moment, he had been intrigued with him, fascinated, but the moment was already over. The moment the nurse had taken the baby from the room, Steven seemed to forget him.

“I'm sorry too.” She looked up at him, wondering who he really had been all the time she thought she knew him. “I'm sorry for you,” she said quietly.

“Don't be.” She felt free finally, looking at him, and she was doubly glad she had called him. He was honest with her, there was nothing for him to lose now. “I wasn't ready for this, Adrian. I suppose I never would be.” They were the most honest words he had ever said to her, no matter how intriguing the beauty of their newborn baby. But he just wasn't Bill, and she realized clearly now that she no longer loved Steven. She hadn't in months, not since Bill … or maybe ever since the baby, but she hadn't known it.

“I know.” She nodded slowly at him, and then laid her head back against the pillows, it had been a long morning. “Thank you for coming.” He touched her hand with his own, and then turned and walked out of the room without saying a word, and this time she knew that he was gone for good, and she was sorry, but she knew that she would never miss him. She lay in bed, thinking about Bill then, and desperately worried about what he'd thought when he saw her with Steven. All she wanted was for him to come back again, and she would be able to explain it.

But as she thought of Bill, Steven walked down the hall with a long, solemn stride, and he stopped for a moment at the nursery, and saw their baby. A blue bundle in an acrylic bassinet, propped up so the nurses could see him better, and the little blue card on the basket read “Thompson, baby boy, 8 lbs. 14 oz. 5:15 a.m.” He bore her maiden name as Steven had requested through the courts. And as he looked at him, Steven waited to feel something he never had before, but he just didn't. He was beautiful, and he was so unbelievably small and vulnerable. He made you want to reach out and touch him. And he would never forget what it had been like to hold him, but he had been relieved when Adrian took him back, as he was now, knowing that the baby was Adrian's, not his. It was nice to know that he was someone else's. Steven had thought about trying it for a while, maybe just to get her back, but in the end, it was a relief now knowing that he didn't have to. And even he had realized that their relationship was over. She wanted too many things that he didn't. She wanted too much from him. “Your boy?” An old man with a cigar and a bald head asked with a broad smile, as Steven looked at him curiously and shook his head. No. Not his boy. Someone else's. And then he left, with his smooth stride, feeling at peace again. For Steven, the agony was over.

ADRIAN WAITED ALL DAY FOR BILL TO COME BACK, but he never came, and she called the apartment endlessly, but he never answered. By four o'clock she was desperate to find him. She was in agony over what he must have thought, and she wanted to explain, and tell him the outcome of Steven's visit. But she just couldn't find him. She was worried about his surprise party, too, remembering that everyone was counting on her to get him to his office where the entire cast and crew were going to surprise him. She called the office directly finally, figuring that the others had to be there by then, and finally at six o'clock, someone answered the phone and she could hear all the noise in the background. She tried to shout loud enough so they could hear her above the din, and finally, the assistant director realized who was calling.

“Adrian? Oh, congratulations on the baby!” Bill had told everyone about Sam, but those who knew him well thought he was strangely quiet. And they just figured he was tired after a long night with Adrian in labor. As it turned out, he had happened on the party completely by accident. After he left Adrian, he'd gone home, and then, needing to clear his mind, he had gone to the office. And he had arrived only slightly later than he should. It was as though, with or without her, he had been destined to get there.

“Is Bill there?” Finally, she had found him.

“He just left. He said there were some things he had to do. But it's a hell of a party.” The A.D. sounded more than a little drunk, and they were having such a good time, they hardly missed their guest of honor. He had slipped away, touched by what they'd done, but anxious to be alone. It had already been quite a birthday.

Adrian tried to call him at home again, but he had the machine on. She couldn't believe that he had just slipped through her fingers like that, or that he wasn't going to give her a chance to explain what had happened. He had always known that she wanted to contact Steven after the baby was born, but he hadn't expected to see him sitting next to Adrian, in her hospital room, holding the baby, and he had immediately made a brutally painful assumption. And as Adrian continued to lie in her hospital bed, waiting for him, she began to fear the worst when he never came back to see her. He must have been so angry at her that he didn't want to see her again, and there was nothing more she could do to find him. She couldn't leave her room, or the hospital, and she felt trapped and helpless.

She held the baby for most of the afternoon, and put him in his little bassinet next to her for the entire evening. When her dinner tray came, she sent it away, and she put the big blue bear in a chair, and sat looking sadly at his roses. And all she wanted was to see him and tell him how much she loved him.

“Would you like a sleeping pill?” the nurse asked at eight o'clock, but she only shook her head, and the nurse made a note on the chart about possible postpartum depression. They had noted the fact that she had eaten nothing for dinner or lunch, and she even seemed unexcited about nursing her baby. She was quiet and uncommunicative, and as soon as the nurse left the room, she dialed the apartment again, and the answering machine was still on, and she left an anguished message for him to call her.

She picked up the baby again, and held him close to her for a long time, looking at the tiny nose, the sleeping eyes, the perfect mouth, the tiny, gently curled fingers. He was so sweet and so tiny and so perfect, and she was so engrossed in watching him that she didn't hear the door whoosh open at nine o'clock, and he stood there for a long minute, watching her, willing himself not to feel anything for her or the baby, as she turned her head suddenly and saw him. Her breath caught, and without thinking, she reached out a hand, and then started to get out of bed, which wasn't entirely easy.

“Stay there,” he said gently, “don't get up. I just came to say good-bye.” He sounded cool and calm, and he walked closer to the bed, but he kept his distance. He looked remarkably dressed up, and somehow she sensed that it wasn't from the party. The party had been a surprise, and he had been wearing a sweatshirt and jeans for that, but now he looked as though he was dressed for something important. He was wearing an English tweed suit, a cream-colored shirt, and Hermes tie, and serious-looking brown shoes, and there was a winter coat over his arm, and suddenly she knew that he was going.

“Where are you going?” she asked worriedly, sensing instantly that everything had changed between them. All in a few hours, since that morning. Only twelve hours before they had been like one heart, one soul, and now he had torn himself away from her and he was leaving. But she knew why. She only wondered if she could heal the hurt she had caused him.

“I thought I'd go to New York to see the boys for a few days.” He glanced at his watch. “I have to leave in a few minutes, to catch the red-eye.” She felt her heart sink as she looked at him, and all she could feel was panic, and a desperate fear that she would lose him. It almost took her breath away as she watched him look uncomfortably around the room and then back at her, but he seemed anxious to avoid looking at the baby.

“Do the boys know you're coming?”

“No,” he said somberly. “I thought I'd surprise them.”

“How long will you be gone?” She didn't know what to say to him, except to tell him that she was sorry, that she'd been a fool, that she shouldn't have cared what Steven thought, that he was a jerk, and she was, too, and that she loved Bill more than life itself, and Sam was going to grow up to be their baby … if he stayed, if only Bill would stay … if only he would forgive her.

“I don't know how long I'll be,” he answered, holding his coat in his arms and looking at her longingly. “A week …two … I thought maybe I'd take them on a little vacation after they get back from Vermont, if Leslie will let me….” He was always at the mercy of someone else to get to the people he loved …Leslie, Adrian …Steven …but he couldn't let himself think of that now. It would just be good to see the boys again, and get out of California. He'd had enough. He needed a break. And his birthday present to himself was to get out of town and let someone else take care of his problems. They had plenty of scripts to work with while he was gone, and if they couldn't figure it out, they could invent it.

“I hired a nurse for you, by the way. She'll come in by the day, or stay overnight if you need her, when you leave the hospital. I didn't meet her myself, but the agency said she's terrific.” He thought of everything, and Adrian's eyes welled up with tears as he said it.

“You didn't have to do that. I can take care of myself.”

“I thought you might need help with the baby. Unless …” He hadn't even thought of that, and then he looked at her curiously, feeling even more foolish. “…Are you going back to my place, or Steven's?” She realized then what he thought, and her heart ached for him. And it was all her fault, which made her feel even worse for the pain she had caused him.

“I'm not going to Steven. Now or ever. I'm not going anywhere with him.” She said it so absolutely that he looked at her very strangely.

“I got the impression this morning that … I thought … I knew you were going to call him,” he explained. “I just didn't know you were going to do it quite so soon. I should have been prepared for that,” he said quietly, “but I wasn't. It took me by surprise when I walked in on the three of you …and I was so excited about Sam and everything, and …” He looked so sad as he looked at her that the tears rolled down her cheeks as she looked at him and then down at the baby.

“I just wanted to get it over with …I know it was wrong of me, but I wanted him to see the baby …and release him, spiritually, or give him his blessing, or something. I don't know what I thought, I don't know what crazy delusions I've had all this time about owing Steven something because of the baby. Maybe I felt guilty about taking something so wonderful from him and walking off with it, and maybe even sharing it with you. But the truth is, he doesn't even realize what having a baby is. He doesn't know what love is. And to him the baby is nothing more than a hardship. He's a jerk and a fool, and I was an even bigger one to even marry him in the first place.” She looked miserably at Bill and started to sob, as she held the baby, and suddenly the baby started to wail, too, and Bill put his coat down and rushed forward to help her.

“Here, let me do it …” He was calm and smooth and his hands were sure as she watched him. “Is he hungry?”

“I don't know. I nursed him a little while ago, but I don't think he's figured it out yet.”

“Maybe he's wet.” He checked expertly, and then deftly wrapped him up tightly again in the blanket while she silently marveled at how good he was at everything he touched, from screenplays to souffles to babies. “He just wanted to be wrapped up tight again, I think. You kind of let him get unwound. They like to be all bundled up, like a cocoon. Here, I'll show you.” He gave her a quick demonstration and handed the baby back to her with sure hands, while she blew her nose and thanked him.

“I don't know what I was thinking of when I called Steven. But as soon as he was here, I knew it was a mistake, and then you walked in, and before I could say anything, you were gone again.” She started crying all over again, and a nurse walked in and shook her head again, thinking that Adrian was definitely manifesting the early signs of postpartum depression. Either that or her husband was giving her a hard time, but there was something going on here. “And I tried to call you all day,” Adrian went on, “and I couldn't find you anywhere!” she said accusingly. “And today was your birthday!”

“I know it was.” He smiled. She looked so pathetic and so upset, and so childlike with a blue bow in her hair. She looked like a teenager, holding someone else's baby. “But it was so damn awkward when I walked into the room and he was here. I didn't expect him. And it just all looked so cozy.”

“Well, it was very moving at first,” she explained, wishing Bill would sit down, but she didn't want to suggest it for fear that he'd remember he had to catch the red-eye. “He looked at the baby as though he'd never seen one. But he's such a goddam horse's ass, and so pompous. I don't think he's ever loved anyone or anything in his life, except maybe his tennis racket or his Porsche. He was 'willing to forgive me for betraying him, and take me and the baby back on a trial basis.' Can you imagine?” She was still angry when she said it.

“And if he'd taken you back unconditionally? If he'd told you that he loved you?”

“I realized that it was too late, that it was all gone if it was ever there at all. And he and I never had what we have. We had something very superficial and very young. I never knew the meaning of the word love until I met you.” She said it very softly, and he set his coat down next to the blue bear and went to the bed, where she still sat holding the baby.

“I couldn't stand the idea of losing you, Adrian …I just couldn't. I've been through that before, and I know what it's like.” He looked down at the sleeping infant then. “And I don't want to lose you either. I want both of you, and Tommy and Adam whenever we can …forever. I have no right to stand in your way. You were married to Steven, and you have a right to go back to him if you want to. But if you've made up your mind, if you're sure now, I need to know it….” He looked at her with eyes full of pain. He had come of age on his fortieth birthday.

“I've never loved anyone more.” She reached out to him and he took her in his arms as tears rolled down her cheeks. She felt as though she had been crying all day, but so had he. He had had a rotten birthday. “I couldn't live without you.” She still trembled, thinking that, through her own stupidity, she had almost lost him.

Bill smiled for a long moment, and didn't say anything as he helped her set the baby down, and then he looked at her again. “I love you. I just want you to know how much I love you.” And then he glanced at his watch and smiled, as he sat on the edge of the bed next to her. “It looks like I just missed the red-eye.” But he'd been surprising the boys anyway, so they wouldn't be disappointed. “Mind if I spend the night?” He grinned at her and she laughed and blew her nose again. It had been an emotional day, and night before that.

“I'm not sure what the nurses would say.” But neither of them seemed to care, as they snuggled in her bed, Adrian in her pink nightgown he'd given her for Christmas and Bill in his London tweeds, and then the nurse came in to check on her, saw them kissing, and quietly closed the door again. Mrs. Thompson was feeling much better.

“They're going to think we're misbehaving,” Adrian whispered to him as the door whooshed closed behind the nurse.

“Good,” he whispered with a grin.

“I have a birthday present for you.” Adrian remembered the watch suddenly, as they continued to kiss and talk in whispers.

“Already?” Bill laughed. “Isn't it too soon?”

“You're disgusting.” But he kissed her long and hard, and all was right with the world again as he held her.

“I have a surprise for you,” he said thoughtfully, as they lay back side by side, against her pillows.

“What is it?” They were still speaking softly, for fear of waking the baby, and because suddenly their life seemed so simple and so peaceful.

“We're getting married in the next few days.”

“It's about time.” She pretended to scowl at him, flashing the ring he had given her for Christmas.

“I want my name on Sam's birth certificate,” Bill said almost sternly.

“How about Samuel William Thigpen,” she supplied with a shy smile, and he leaned over and kissed her.

“It'll do …”He smiled. “It'll do,” pulling her close to him again, and feeling her heart next to his, with a single heartbeat.

a cognizant original v5 release october 31 2010

Published by

Dell Publishing

a division of

Random House, Inc.

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New York, New York 10036

Copyright © 1991 by Danielle Steel

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the written permission of the Publisher, except where permitted by law. For information address Delacorte Press, New York, New York.

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eISBN: 978-0-307-56649-2

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