Hidden Jewel

2

Just Think Happy Thoughts

Before I left for school to get ready for the graduation ceremony, Mommy came up to my room and helped me choose the dress I would wear at my party. We styled my hair and she talked a little about her school life in the bayou and her own graduation ceremony. Mommy and Gisselle had attended a private school in Baton Rouge their senior year, but according to Mommy, it was an unpleasant experience, except for her art class and her getting to know Louis Clairborne, a famous musician who occasionally played recitals in New Orleans and always came to our home for dinner when he was in the city. Whenever he came to our house, he always brought the twins and me something special from one of his European tours. I had dolls and music boxes from France and Holland.

"Well, Mommy," I said after Aubrey came to tell me Claude had arrived to take me to the graduation exercises, "Here I go." I followed that with a tiny whimper.

"Stop worrying," she said and hugged me. As I started out, she cried, "Wait."

I turned and saw her sit on the vanity table chair and bend over to untie her good luck dime from her ankle.

"I was going to give this to you before you left for college at the end of the summer, but I want you to have it now, Pearl."

"Oh, no, Mommy. That's your good luck. I can't take that."

"Of course you can. I can pass it on to you."

"But then you won't have it," I warned.

"It's time for you to have it, Pearl. Please take it," she pleaded. "It will mean a great deal to me."

"I know how you feel about this special dime, Mommy," I said shaking my head but moving forward to take it.

"Sit down and I'll fasten it around your ankle," she told me. I did so. "There," she said, patting my knee. "I know you think it's silly, but whatever magic it has had for me it will have for you, too."

"I don't think it's silly, Mommy, but what about you? You won't be wearing it anymore."

"I've had more magic than anyone deserves. Look at the wonderful family I have and the success I've had in my art. Now I live to see you and the boys enjoy your opportunities."

"Thank you, Mommy."

"But don't tell your father just yet," she warned throwing a glance at the doorway. "He thinks I get too carried away with the old beliefs, and he'll only bawl me out for imposing them on you."

Mommy and I never kept serious secrets from Daddy, but there were a few things we didn't tell him. "We can tell him afterward," she added.

"Okay, Mommy." We hugged again and I was off. Claude was waiting outside by his car, pacing impatiently.

"Hi," I called and hurried down the steps. He stepped forward to kiss me. Lately he was shoving his tongue into my mouth every time. This time he not only did that but held me so close for so long that I had to pull free.

"Please, Claude. We're right in front of my house!" He shrugged, brushing off the reprimand as if it were a mosquito on his shoulder.

"Well, the day has arrived. Our release from prison," he declared.

"Is that what you thought school was, Claude?"

"Hey, we won't have adults looking over our shoulders as much from now on. To me, that's a release, and tonight"—he smiled—"is our time to howl, right?" He tried to kiss me again.

"I guess so," I said, stepping toward the car and away from him. Claude's exuberance frightened me a little. He was like a young man ready to march through locked doors.

"Don't look so sad," he said. He opened the car door, and I slipped in quickly. "Only a few others will be at Lester's tonight," he told me after getting in beside me. "No deadbeats. And we might have a little more than booze," he added and winked.

"More than booze? What do you mean?"

"You know." He winked again.

"I know what I don't want to see you do, and you know what I won't do," I added firmly. We had had this discussion before. Claude stopped smiling.

"Ease up. You only graduate from high school once," he said.

I pressed my lips together and swallowed back the words that would surely cause an argument. For now I had more important things on my mind--namely, my speech.

There was so much excitement at the school when we arrived. I joined Catherine and some of our friends in the girls' room for a last minute put-together. Girls were borrowing lipstick, spraying on cologne, dabbing their cheeks with makeup, and many were smoking. Diane offered me a cigarette, and I refused, as usual.

"Right. The little doctor doesn't want to poison her lungs," she quipped, and the other girls laughed.

"That's true, Diane. The fact is, just standing in here and breathing the secondhand smoke is dangerous. That's already been proven."

The girls around me looked glum for a moment.

"That's so stupid. What do you think, you're going to live forever?" Diane retorted. Her friends smiled.

"No, but I know what it's like to get lung cancer. It isn't pleasant," I said sharply.

"Miss Goody Two-shoes. Just listen to her. What a drag. I hope your speech isn't depressing. This is supposed to be a happy occasion." Everyone was looking at me.

"It's not depressing," I said defensively. "Excuse me a moment," I said. "I've got to use the bathroom."

Laughter followed me into the stall. I heard them suddenly quiet down and start filing out. When I emerged, there was no one left. Confused, but happy that I didn't have to argue anymore, I left too. It wasn't until I had slipped my graduation gown on and put on my cap that I realized I must have left my speech in the bathroom. In a panic, I ran back. But it wasn't there!

Maddeningly frantic, I ran up and down the corridor, questioning every girl in the line, but no one knew anything.

"What's up?" Claude asked.

"My speech is missing. Someone took it when I went to the bathroom," I told him.

"No kidding. What are you going to do?"

"I don't know."

I turned to Catherine. She looked as if she wanted to say something but was too afraid. I spun around, desperate. Mr. Stegman, the teacher in charge of the procession, was ordering me to get in place.

"I can't find my speech!" I told him. "I had it with me when I went into the bathroom, but it's not there!"

"Oh, dear," he said and went to fetch Dr. Foster, the principal.

"Did you look real good, Pearl? Go back and check once more," he suggested. "I'll hold the procession back a few more minutes."

I gazed at Catherine.

"It has to be there," she offered. A horrid thought occurred to me. I returned to the bathroom and threw open the stall next to the one I had used. There was my speech, floating in the toilet.

"Oh, no!" I cried and dipped into the water to retrieve it. Many of the words had been washed away. I wiped down the paper as carefully as I could with a towel and then went out to take my place at the head of the procession.

"You found it?" Dr. Foster asked.

I held up the soggy sheets.

"How did that happen?"

"Yes," I said loud enough for everyone in my class to hear. "How did it happen?"

My heart was pounding so hard I thought I was sure to make a fool of myself in front of all the families and guests. I don't know how my legs carried me down the corridor and out the door, but I had no choice.

I really didn't have time to worry about myself. We marched to the stage that had been erected outside for our graduation exercises and took our seats. I tried not to look at the audience. There was so much noise—laughter, chatter, babies crying, small children being warned to sit quietly—that it sounded like bedlam. No one would hear my speech anyway, I thought. Why worry?

We had a warm, bright day for our ceremony with a light breeze that made the flag flutter and strands of hair dance over our shoulders. The sky was turquoise with patches of fluffy clouds. In the distance I could hear the bellow of the steamboats preparing to carry tourists up the Mississippi.

After the introductions and some short remarks by our principal, I was called to the lectern. My legs wobbled as I stood up. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, opened my eyes, and walked to the lectern. My classmates were dead silent, all wondering what I would do. I searched the audience until I found Mommy gazing at me confidently, and then the words just came. I didn't need to look at the paper. The words were printed in my head.

To my surprise, everyone had grown quiet. I raised my head, took a deep breath, and began. I thanked the principal and then, addressing the faculty and our parents, families, and friends, began in a voice that grew stronger and stronger as I delivered the speech I had composed over the past few days. Amazingly, once I started, the words flowed. From time to time I gazed at the faces in the audience and saw that people were really listening. Most wore sweet, appreciative smiles. The twins were staring up at me, both with their mouths slightly open, neither fidgeting.

When I concluded, the applause boomed in my ears, and when I looked at Mommy and Daddy, I saw the glow in their faces. Even Pierre and Jean looked impressed. They stopped clapping at the exact same moment, and when I returned to my seat, I gazed at Claude and saw him smiling proudly and elbowing his buddies to make them jealous. Diane Ratner and her friends looked devastated, but Catherine hugged me quickly.

"That was great. I knew you could do it, no matter what. I actually listened to the whole thing, even though I didn't understand some of it."

"Thanks," I said dryly. I didn't want her to think I was satisfied with her weak demonstration of friend-ship. She had disappointed me.

I sat back as the principal and our class adviser went to the lectern to hand each of us our diploma. When I rose to get mine, the audience gave me another thunderous ovation. Daddy was snapping pictures, and the twins were waving and cheering.

"Nice job, young lady," the principal said. "Good luck."

I thanked him and smiled at my parents one more time for Daddy's camera.

After the ceremony I was inundated with compliments on my speech. All of my teachers stopped by, as did some of my classmates and their parents, to offer their best wishes. I was happy to see that my aunt Jeanne—the sister of Mommy's half brother, Paul—and her husband, James, were there and were waiting to congratulate me, too.

Aunt Jeanne was the only member of the Tate family who had anything to do with us. She was about an inch or so taller than Mommy, with dark brown hair and almond-shaped eyes. Mommy said that Aunt Jeanne looked more like her mother, Gladys, than her father, Octavious, because she had her mother's deep, dark complexion, sharp chin, and nearly perfect nose. I liked her because she was always pleasant and sweet to us and especially sweet to me.

"I loved your speech, Pearl honey" Aunt Jeanne said, hugging me.

"It was something," Uncle James added, nodding. He shook Daddy's hand. "You have a lot to be proud of, Beau."

Mommy and Daddy were beaming so brightly, I got chills up and down my spine.

"How is your family, Jeanne?" Mommy asked, a dark shadow crossing her face.

"Mother's got the gout on top of her arthritis. Daddy never changes. He buries himself in his business." Aunt Jeanne smiled. "My sister Toby's youngest turned sixteen, you know. I'll be going to another graduation soon."

Aunt Jeanne and Uncle James had never had any children. I wasn't sure why not. If Mommy knew, she never said.

"You're coming over to the house, aren't you, Jeanne?" Mommy asked her.

"Of course. We wouldn't miss the party for the world," she said. "You knew I would be here, Ruby," she whispered, but loud enough for me to hear. I saw the way the two of them gazed into each other's eyes, and I felt the unspoken words that passed between them, words I knew were all about my mother's half brother, Paul, the man in my strange dream. "Paul would have been so proud of her," Jeanne continued. Tears came to Mommy's eyes as she nodded. They hugged again.

Mommy turned to look for the twins, who were amusing themselves by weaving in and out among the crowd and teasing some of my girlfriends. For once, I was happy about their behavior. Mommy shouted for the boys to come along. It was time to go home and get ready for the party. Mammy threw her arm around me, and we all went to the limousine.

"I'm so proud of you," she said.

I didn't want to tell her about the prank my so-called friends had pulled on me in the bathroom. "I was so nervous. Didn't it show?"

"Not a bit. I told you that once you got started, the words would roll off your tongue. And they did," Mommy declared.

In the limousine, the twins teased me about the way I had shifted my eyes after certain phrases in my speech, but Mommy chastised them, and they smothered their giggles. My stomach wasn't filled with butterflies anymore. Now it felt positively cavernous. I couldn't wait to get something to eat. I had been too nervous to eat much of anything all day.

Some of our guests were already at the house, and the musicians had already begun to play by the time we arrived. The atmosphere was festive. I hurried upstairs to change into my party dress and repair my hair. By the time I descended the stairs, the other guests had begun arriving, all bearing graduation gifts. A corner in one of the sitting rooms had been designated for the presents, and the twins eyed the pile, eager to satisfy their curiosity by tearing through the wrappings. Mommy warned them to stay away, and they shot off to play with their friends.

An army of servants began to serve hot and cold hors d'oeuvres with glasses of champagne. Daddy's business friends gathered in the ballroom, and Mommy greeted some of the important members of the art community, including other artists and gallery owners. The crowd was a Who's Who of the society pages.

My portrait remained covered on an easel, near the four-foot-high layer cake with "Good Luck, Pearl" written on it in red icing. Both the portrait and the cake were under a spotlight. Daddy wanted to make the unveiling a special moment after all of the guests had arrived.

Claude came late with Lester Anderson and some of his other friends, and I knew immediately why they were delayed. I saw from the way they swaggered and laughed that they had already had something alcoholic to drink, and when Claude came over to kiss me, I smelled the whiskey on his breath.

"Is the punch spiked?" he asked me.

"Of course not," I said. He winked at Lester, a tall, lanky boy who always looked as if he had just done something mischievous. Lester idolized Claude and would do most anything he suggested.

"Should I?" Lester asked me and revealed a pint of rum in the inside pocket of his jacket.

"Lester Anderson, don't you dare," I warned. All the boys laughed. Claude put his arm around my waist and tried to kiss me on the neck.

"Claude, stop. Some of my father's friends are looking at us."

"Let's step into the den for a few moments," he whispered. "I haven't congratulated you properly."

"No. Just be patient," I said. He was disappointed, but he retreated and behaved.

A short while later, Daddy asked the musicians to stop playing for a few moments, and he took center stage to announce the unveiling of my portrait.

"We have a special present for Pearl tonight," he began. "Actually, this is all my wife's doing, but one of the reasons I married her was that I knew she was talented and would be able to do these sorts of things."

Everyone laughed. I gazed over at Aunt Jeanne, who appeared to be exchanging secret glances with Mommy. Daddy took hold of the cloth covering the painting, and I felt my heart pounding. It was almost as nerve-racking a moment as I'd had rising to make my graduation speech.

"Pearl," Daddy said. I stepped out and the guests applauded. Mommy stayed beside Daddy when he went over to the portrait and, with a little drum roll from the band, slowly pulled away the cloth to reveal a painting that took my breath away. Mommy hadn't just painted a portrait of me in my graduation outfit. Behind me she had painted another portrait, this one with me dressed as a doctor, a stethoscope around my neck.

There was a gasp of appreciation, and then everyone applauded, some rushing over to shake Mommy's hand.

"It looks like twins," Pierre cried.

"Just like us, there are two of you," Jean squealed. Everyone laughed.

"It's beautiful, Mommy," I said when we hugged. "I hope I live up to it."

"You will, honey."

"You better," Daddy said and kissed me, too.

After that, the party went into full swing. The musicians paraded around the house as if it really were a Mardi Gras, celebration. The food was brought out and set on the tables. There were platters of turkey and roast beef, baked stuffed shrimp in oyster sauce, shrimp Mornay, and stuffed crabs as well as crawfish etouffée. Everyone was impressed with our elaborate spread, and when the desserts were wheeled out on serving wagons, the guests uttered exclamations of joy and hovered about the tarte aux pêches, banana nut bread, crêpes, pecan pie, orange crème brûlée and chocolate rum soufflé. My graduation cake was cut as well, and wedges of it were served.

The grand menu added to the festive atmosphere. People were dancing everywhere, even in the hallways. I circulated as much as I could and spoke to many of Mommy's and Daddy's friends. Suddenly, when I paused in the ballroom to catch my breath, I felt someone come up behind me.

"Good time to slip out of here," Claude whispered, his hands on my hips.

"I can't yet, Claude." I stepped away.

"Why not? You were here for the big event: your unveiling. And we've all gorged enough on the food." He paused, his blue eyes fixed on my face suspiciously. "Didn't you tell your parents you were going to another party?" He waited a moment and then quickly added, "You didn't, did you?"

"I was going to tell them, but they were so excited about my party, I didn't have the heart. Just give me a little while longer," I pleaded.

Claude scowled and reluctantly returned to his friends, who, as they had threatened, had spiked some of the punch for themselves. Now they were sharing it with Catherine, Marie Rose, and Diane Ratner. Diane had always been after Claude. I saw she was taking advantage of my having to visit with Daddy's and Mommy's friends. She had her arm through Claude's and was whispering in his ear constantly. Whatever she said obviously pleased him, but he kept his gaze on me. I saw that he was growing more and more furious with every passing moment. It made his silver-blue eyes glitter like stones in a cold stream.

I was going to speak to him again when Aunt Jeanne tapped me on the shoulder. "So what will you be doing this summer?" she asked me.

"I'm going to work at the hospital as a nurse's aide. Daddy thought it would be good experience for me."

"You're really serious about becoming a doctor, then?" she said with a smile.

"Yes, very serious."

She nodded. "Perhaps that's meant to be," she said, which made me think of my great-grandmother Catherine.

"Did you know my great-grandmother Catherine, Aunt Jeanne?"

"I knew about her. She was a very famous traiteur. I wish she were still around to help my mother. She's been seeing a traiteur, but this woman apparently doesn't have the healing powers your great-grandmother had. You don't mind being around sick people, seeing illness and blood?"

"No," I said. "I feel good whenever I can help someone who is ill."

She smiled. "Then perhaps Catherine's gift has been passed on to you." She stared at me with wondrous eyes and nodded. "Good luck, sweetheart, and someday come to see us in the bayou."

"I will," I said and swallowed. Mommy and Daddy had never forbidden me to go there, but their reluctance to return to the bayou made it seem like taboo.

"We've got to be going soon, but I wanted you to have this first," Aunt Jeanne said and handed me a small box. It wasn't gift-wrapped.

"Thank you," I said, a little surprised. Why hadn't she wrapped it and put it with the other gifts?

"Go on, open it," she added. I looked across the room and saw how Mommy was staring at us, her face full of fear. Her expression made my fingers tremble, but I finally opened the box to find a silver locket.

"There's a picture inside," Aunt Jeanne explained.

I pressed the release and opened the locket. There was a picture of Paul holding me as an infant in his arms, and he was wearing that palmetto hat. For a moment I couldn't speak. It was exactly the way I always envisioned him carrying me at the start of my recurring nightmare.

"I thought you would like to have that," Aunt Jeanne said.

"Yes, thank you."

"Do you remember him at all?" she asked.

"Just a little," I said.

"He was very fond of you, and you were very fond of him," she said wistfully. Then she took a deep breath and covered my hands with hers, shutting the locket at the same time. "But this isn't the time for any sadness. Put it someplace safe and look at it from time to time," she asked. I thanked her again, and she went to say good-bye to Daddy and Mommy.

Mommy came over to me immediately afterward. "I saw her give you something," she said.

I showed her, and she gasped. "I just knew it had something to do with Paul."

"Do the rest of the Tates really hate us, Mommy?" I asked.

"Let's just say we're not on their A-list," Mommy replied. She gazed at the picture again. "He was a very handsome man, wasn't he?"

"Yes."

She gave the locket back to me.

"It was nice of her to give you this, and it's right of her to try to be sure Paul is not forgotten. Keep the locket with your most precious possessions."

"I will, Mommy."

She smiled softly and returned to her guests.

A little while later, while I was talking with Dominique, a gallery owner who was trying to persuade Mommy to display my picture in his front window, Catherine approached.

"Claude's getting very upset. We all want to leave, Pearl. Lester and the others have already gone to his house. Are you coming or not?"

I bit down on my lower lip. A part of me did want to go, but another part argued against it. I looked across the room and saw Daddy laughing. The twins were gorging on strawberry shortcake with their friends. I could slip away without causing too much of a stir now, I thought.

"Let me talk to my mother," I said.

"Good. I’ll tell Claude," Catherine said.

Mommy rarely missed anything happening around her. While she and her art world friends talked, she had her eyes on me. As I started toward her, she stepped away from the others.

"What is it, darling?" she asked. "You want to go someplace with your friends?"

"I guess," I said.

She looked at Claude, Catherine, and the others and then fastened her gaze on me. "Your heart's not fully in this for some reason, Pearl," she said with the assurance of a psychic. "What is it, honey? Is it going to be a wild party?"

"Maybe," I confessed.

She nodded. "You know what growing up is," she said, nodding like someone who had finally reached a conclusion. "It's knowing when to say no. Nothing more than that, I think," she added. "You decide. It's all right for you to leave if you want to. It's your night, Pearl. Daddy will understand."

We hugged, and I turned back to my friends. Claude raised his eyebrows and smiled. I started to nod and stopped. Once I left this house and went with Claude to Lester's, saying no would be harder than graduating from medical school, I thought.

"Coming now?" Claude asked anxiously.

"Why don't you and I stay here, Claude?" I suggested. "We can have plenty of privacy."

"Here? Are you serious? Everywhere you go, there are servants loitering—unless we slip up to your room," he proposed, his eyes lustful.

"Claude, I don't like being rushed into anything," I said.

"Rushed? We've been going together for nearly a year. That's like being married nowadays," he pro-tested.

I started to laugh, but he continued, his anger building. "You don't know what it's like for me, lying to all my friends, pretending you and I are really lovers. All my friends have girlfriends who aren't afraid to make love."

"You mean you make up stories about us?" I asked.

"Of course. You want me to look like a fool?"

"Is that what you would be if we didn't sleep together, a fool? What about caring for me and my feelings?"

"That's what I want to do," he said stepping closer. "Care for your feelings. Come on, let's go with the others."

"I'd rather stay here, Claude," I said after taking a deep breath.

He shook his head. "You're never going to make love with me, are you?"

"I'm not going to make love just to keep some high school kids from thinking I'm a fool. It has to be something more serious."

He nodded. I saw that his eyes were a little bloodshot. "I think you should give me back my ring," he said. "It's just wasting away around your neck."

My heart was pounding to have such a dark and unhappy thing happen on this night, of all nights.

"Well?" he said. "What is it going to be?"

I undid the chain that held his ring on my bosom and handed it back to him.

He was surprised and clutched it roughly in his fist. "I should have listened to my friends. They all told me you were just a brain with no feelings. You probably went home and wrote a report after every date we had, didn't you?"

"Of course not," I said.

"I feel sorry for you," he continued, shaking his 'head. "You'll always be dissecting people. What did you do, take your temperature and decide tonight was a prime egg night?" he asked with his lips twisted into a sarcastic smirk. His words were like darts aimed at my heart. Tears burned under my eyelids, but I wouldn't permit myself to cry in front of him.

"Are you coming, Claude?" Diane Ratner asked as she crooked her shoulder suggestively.

"You're damn right I am," he said and smiled at her. Then he put his arm through hers and embraced her tightly around the waist. She squealed with glee and flashed a look of satisfaction at me. I could just hear her bragging: "You might be our class valedictorian and you might have this big house and great party, but I have your boyfriend.

"Satisfied?" Claude asked me.

"Yes. If this is what you've decided is most important, then I am very satisfied. I made the right decision," I said.

His smile faded quickly. "Go read a book," he snapped.

"A dry one," Diane added. Their peals of laughter trailed after them as they joined the others and headed for the front door.

Catherine came running over to me. "What are you doing?"

"The sensible thing," I said. She shook her head and looked toward the others. "Go on. Don't worry about me. I'm all right."

"This was supposed to be our night to howl," she whined.

"We all howl in different ways, I suppose. Why did you let them destroy my speech? I thought we were close friends."

"It was just a joke. I knew you would be all right," she said but she averted her gaze.

"Friends protect and look after each other, but I suppose that takes some maturity," I added dryly.

Her eyes snapped back, full of fire. "I don't know what to think about you anymore, Pearl. Maybe you're too full of yourself for the rest of us. I'm disappointed," she added and turned away to hurry after the others. I watched them all leave the house, and for a moment, all the music, all the chatter and the laughter, faded. I heard only Claude's angry words and Catherine's disappointment.

I bit down on my lower lip and sucked back the sobs that clamored to escape. Even though I had eaten, I had a hollow feeling in my stomach. Was I too much of a goody-goody? Was I just a brain?

I looked back at my party. Everyone was having such a good time, and Daddy had never looked younger or happier. Mommy was in a conversation with some of her gallery friends. All of my classmates had gone. Why, on this, the night I was supposed to feel so wonderful, was I standing here feeling devas-tated? I hurried out the side doors and walked down the patio toward the pool and cabana, leaving the jolly sounds of laughter, music, and chatter behind me.

I folded my arms under my breasts and walked slowly with my head down. Suddenly the twins and two of their friends jumped out of the hedges at me, all of them screaming, "Boo!"

"Get away from me!" I cried harshly.

Pierre's jaw dropped, but Jean kept laughing. "We were just fooling, Pearl," Pierre said.

"I don't have the patience for the two of you right now. Leave me alone!" I yelled at them.

"We're sorry," Pierre said. He seized Jean's arm. "Come on. Let's go see if we can get some ice cream."

"What's the matter with her?" Jean asked, confused.

"Let's go," Pierre ordered. Although Jean was stronger, he obeyed his brother, and the four of them scurried back to the house, leaving me with my shadows.

Above, the sky that had been mostly clear with stars gleaming was growing increasingly overcast. It was as if the clouds were being drawn from one horizon to the other like some great dark curtain to shut out the heavens and shut away the happiness I had experienced this day. I planted myself on a lounge chair and listened to the sounds of the city that drifted over our walls.

"What's wrong, Pearl?" I heard someone say a short while later. I looked up to see Mommy standing in the shadows.

"Nothing."

She stepped into the pale glow of the patio lights. "I know you too well, honey, and you know I feel your sadness," she said. She did, too. We were so close at times, it made Daddy shake his head in wonder. "I carried you inside me. We're too much a part of each other not to know each other's deepest feelings. What happened?"

I shrugged. "I said no, and everyone left. They think I'm a goody-goody, a brain without feelings."

"Oh, I see." She sat down beside me. In the increasing darkness, her face was hidden in shadow, but her eyes caught the pale light and glimmered with sympathy. "I know it's painful for you to drive your friends away, but you have to do what your heart tells you is right.

"Once, a long time ago," she added, "I said no, and I think I saved my life."

"Really? What happened?"

"My sister and a boyfriend came by in a car and asked me to go along with them. They had been smoking pot, and I saw they were already high, laughing, being reckless. They thought I was a party pooper, too, and I remember wondering if maybe there wasn't something wrong with me, maybe I was too old for my age."

"That was the night of the accident that crippled Gisselle?"

"Yes and killed the boy. I'm not saying something terrible has to happen all the time, but you've got to follow your instincts and believe in yourself."

"It was fun being with Claude sometimes; he's the most popular boy in school. But I didn't have a strong enough feeling for him. The fact is, I haven't had a strong feeling for any boy yet, Mommy. Is that odd? Am I too analytical? Am I just a brain?"

"Of course not," she said, laughing. "Why do you have to become seriously involved with someone while you're still so young?"

"You did," I said quickly and then regretted it.

"It was different for me, Pearl. I came from a different sort of life. I told you that. My childhood was rushed. I wish I had had more time to be young and carefree."

"But you did fall in love with Daddy soon after you met him, didn't you?"

"I suppose." Even in the darkness, I could see the tiny smile on her lips as she remembered. "We had our first kiss out here, in that cabana, a kiss that changed my life. But that doesn't mean it has to be that way for everyone, especially for you," she continued quickly. "You're going to have a career, and you're dedicated to higher things than most of your friends are," she added.

"Is that good?" I wondered aloud. "Will I miss something important?"

"I don't think so, honey. I think you're destined for more important things, and when you fall in love and someone falls in love with you, it will be a greater relationship than you can imagine now."

"I almost feel as if I should go to Marie Laveau's in the French Quarter and get some love powder," I said, and Mommy laughed.

"Who told you about that? Don't say I did," she added quickly.

"No, I read about it. You never did anything like that, did you?"

"No, but once in a while I'd burn a candle or Nina Jackson would burn some brimstone to keep away evil spirits she thought might be hovering about me. I suppose you think that's silly," she said. "And maybe it is."

"I don't know. Maybe if I were less scientific, I'd be happier," I said. "I know my friends would like me more."

"Nonsense. Don't be someone you're not just to please someone else," Mommy warned.

"Hey," Daddy called from the patio doors, "are you out here, Ruby?"

"Yes, Beau."

"Some of your friends are leaving and want to say good night."

"I'm coming."

"Something wrong?" Daddy asked when he saw I was with Mommy.

"No."

He stood there, skeptical. "Are you sure?"

"I'm fine, Daddy," I said. "We're coming in." I rose, and Mommy put her arm around me.

"And you are fine, too," she said squeezing me. "I'm proud of you, not just because you were the valedictorian and made a wonderful speech, but be-cause you're sensible and mature. You don't know how wonderful it is to have a daughter you can trust and rely upon."

"Thank you, Mommy." I kissed her on the cheek and smelled her hair and perfume and felt my heart lighten. I was lucky, and I would not let anything darken this wonderful day and this wonderful night, I thought.

After our guests left, the twins whined and begged for me to open some of the graduation presents. Mommy wanted them to go to bed, but Daddy said it was a special night and they could stay up a little later, so we all went into the sitting room, and I unwrapped some of the gifts.

There was clothing for college and some expensive reference books. Dr. Portier and his wife had given me the latest edition of Gray's Anatomy.

The twins became bored with my presents rather quickly. The two of them sank back in the larger settee, resting against each other, Pierre's arm over Jean's shoulders, Jean's eyes blinking and battling the weight of his eyelids. Finally Daddy nudged them and ordered them to bed. They had no resistance left and stumbled along. He guided them upstairs, and Mommy followed to be sure the two of them were all right.

Daddy returned first. "Happy, princess?" he asked.

"Yes, Daddy."

"It was the happiest day of my life," he said.

"No, it wasn't, Daddy."

"What?"

"The happiest day of your life was the day you met Mommy."

He laughed. "That's different."

"But it was-your happiest day, wasn't it?"

"I didn't know it at the time, but yes, it was. I met her right outside this house, and I thought she was her sister in a Mardi Gras costume."

"How does a man know when he's in love, Daddy? Do bells really ring in your head?"

"Bells?" He smiled. "I don't remember bells. I just remember that my first thought every morning when I awoke was of being with your mother." He stared at me. "Trouble with Claude?" I nodded. "The problem is simple, Pearl. You're too mature for him."

"I'm too mature for all the boys my age."

"Maybe."

"Does that mean I'll be happy only with a much older man?"

"No," he said, laughing. "Not necessarily. And don't you bring home anyone who could be your father," he warned. Then we hugged and started upstairs. At my bedroom doorway, he kissed me on the forehead.

"Good night, princess," he said.

"Night, Daddy."

"When you were opening your gifts downstairs," he said, "I thought I saw something around your ankle. Is it what I think?" I nodded. He shook his head. "Well, they say if you believe in something hard enough, it will happen. Who am I to disagree?" He kissed me again, and I went into my room.

Mommy came to say good night, too. I told her Daddy had seen the dime.

"Now he'll tease me to death," she said. "But I don't care. I've seen my grandmère do things that defied reason and logic."

"There's so much you still haven't told me about the past, isn't there?"

"Yes," she said sadly.

"But you will now. You'll tell me everything, won't you? The good and the bad. Promise?"

"Just think happy thoughts tonight, honey. There's plenty of time to open the dark closets." She kissed me and stared down at me a moment with that angelic smile on her lips, and then she left.

I could hear music in the night, trumpets and saxophones, trombones and drums. New Orleans was a city that hated to go to sleep. It was as if it knew that when it did, the spirits and ghosts that hovered outside the wall of laughter, music, and song would have free rein to wander the streets and invade our dreams.

At Lester's house Claude was probably kissing Diane. It was supposed to be my kiss.

My kiss was on hold, waiting in the wings for the lips of my mysterious lover. But maybe that was just a dream, too. Maybe there was no lover and never would be. Maybe one of those curses Mommy feared were left at our doorstep was a curse designed for me.

I reached over to the nightstand and opened the locket Aunt Jeanne had given me, so that I could gaze at myself being held by Paul. Love could be painful, too, I thought.

I had graduated from high school as class valedictorian, but at the moment I felt I didn't know very much. I closed the locket, turned off the lights, and closed my eyes.

Then I fell asleep to the sound of the applause I had received when I ended my speech saying, "Today is commencement, and commencement means a beginning."

Was it the beginning of happiness and success or the beginning of loneliness and error?

"Don't look down," Mommy had once told me. "Be like a tightrope walker and keep your eyes focused on the future. You have to have more trust in yourself, Pearl."

That was what I would try to do.