If You Deceive

Chapter Thirty-five

"Idinnado anything!" he bellowed yet again outside Maddy's door.

Maddy had gone from the lowest low to the highest high and back down again. When she'd caught sight of Ethan riding for Carillon, racing the coach, her heart had leapt. Then seeing him in the drive, clutching that license with his brows drawn—she'd been overcome.

But now…"Just go away!"

After all the heartaches and tragedies she'd endured, she thought this one hurt the worst. Why did she keep believing in him when he'd never given her any reason to?

"Damn it, I did go to the tavern and get a room. I admit that, but I could no' do it. I told them to stop!"

"So therewere two?" she cried, suddenly needing to vomit. She'd seen the evidence but had fought against believing he'd just been with not one but two women.

"Wait, wait, now, that sounds worse than it was—"

"You took two women upstairs to a private bedroom—or perhaps it was more than two?"

"But I dinnado anything with them."

"Of course not! You stopped their kisses at just below your navel. Most men see reason and make excellent judgments when a woman's mouth is just above their groin. Especially when they're drunk!"

"I could no' do it. For Christ's sake, I'll take you to the tavern and you can ask them." His tone turned bewildered when he said, "You've bloody ruined me for other women."

Though she fought it, for some reason she did believe that hehad stopped before he'd had sex withthem . But it didn't matter. "You are not even two weeks into our relationship, and you sound proud of yourself that you weren't unfaithful? What would happen if we were married for years?"

"Do you no' think you're getting ahead of yourself?"

"Oooh, you're amazing! I wish I'd never met you. I'm an idiot! How many times will it take for me to learn that you're a hateful man?"

And now she had to wait another two days for the posting coach.

"Fine. Have it your way."

She lay down, knees to her chest, having no idea how many hours passed, and still she cried. She heard him inside his room, pacing again and again before getting in bed.

How can he sleep through this…?

She heard bitter grumbling in Gaelic, then more pacing.

"Bugger this," he muttered, then directly outside the door, he said, "I canna sleep without you."

"Learn to."

"Even had I done something—which Idinna —we're no' even bloody married yet."

Hateful."And you just ensured we never will be."

On the second night, Ethan could scarcely believe that he was pacing outside a woman's locked dooragain , asking to come in.

She'd bewitched him. Ach, he missed sleeping with her. And she had cried for hours last night, solely to agonize him, he was sure of it. To torture him for his unthinking words and actions.

She hadn't been able to see, but if one of his comments in their argument had been harsh, he'd cringed behind the door. When he fought, he fought to draw blood, and it was a hard habit to break—even though hurting her now hurthim .

He'd wanted to go to her so badly, but the way she'd looked at him before slamming the door in his face had kept him from pushing her.

Yet now…

"Enough of this, Maddy. You've punished me enough. I have a right to sleep with you."

"You forfeited any rights when you lusted for another woman. Excuse me,two women."

"I dinna lust for them."

"Of course not," she said, her tone dripping sarcasm.

"I was thinking of you, of touching you, the entire time."

"Do you have no shame?" she cried. "Youcretin !"

"Open the goddamned door."

"Never."

"Open it, or it's comin' down! You've seen me do it before."

"You wouldn't—"

He kicked at the door, almost bowing it in. He reared back to kick again, his leg shooting out…little witch…she'd opened the door—

He went hurtling into the room, skidding on the floor.

Chin up, she brushed her hands off, then stepped around him to saunter out of the room.

"Ah, damn it, lass," he called after her. "I've busted my stitches wide open."

"What?" she cried, hurrying back to him. "Let me see!"

"Ah-ha!" He snared her around the waist, dragging her down with him to his lap. "You still care for me!"

Her jaw dropped. "Unbelievable! You're cruel and twisted—"

"Then you're going to be the wife of a cruel and twisted man."

"The—hell—I—will." She balled her fists, about to pummel his chest.

"It'll hurt like the devil if you do that, but if it will get you to listen to me, then I give you free leave to it."

Lowering her fists, she scrambled to get away, gritting out a sound of frustration when he held her fast. "I'll let you go if you'll just listen to me for five minutes."

"Not a chance," she said, but he ignored her, rising with a hissed inhalation. Taking her elbow, he propelled her to the bed.

"Will it do any good to tell you again that I dinna do anythin'?"

Maddy crossed her arms over her chest as she sat on the edge of the bed. "Even if I believed that, it doesn't erase your intent. You set out with every intention to sleep with another woman—women!"

"Aye, I had every intention of sleeping with as many as I could," he admitted, making her gasp. "I'm no' a good man, Maddy." He began pacing. "Everyone who knows me thinks I'm a bastard of the worst sort. Even my brothers do," he said as he passed.

They do? How dare—She shook herself. She agreed with them!

"When I was younger, I went through a new woman each night. If they were married, even better. And if you took all the pleasure over those years and combined it, it would no' be the minutest fraction of what I feel like with you." He glanced over at her to gauge her reaction. "Because I need…morefrom you. And a realization like that scared me witless."

"Why?"

He ran his fingers through his hair. "Because what happens if you find out somethin' from my past that you canna abide and you leave me? Where does that leave me? I'll tell you—as good as dead."

Her lips parted.

"You're so beautiful.Too beautiful and brilliant. And when you're finally no' afraid and your memories of being hungry and anxious fade, you'll look at me and wonder what in the hell you've done to wed me."

Ethan appeared so…tormented that she couldn't speak.

"This is like a sickness I feel for you. Woman, you've got me tied up in knots. I doona know up from down anymore and can think of nothing but you."

He pulled a chair in front of her, then sank down, leaning his elbows on his knees. "If I see something interesting, my first thought is if you would find it so as well. Foods I like, I want you to taste. And all the while I'm wondering what the bloody hell is wrong with me to be like this. It's just…no'right . I havenever in my life wanted to put someone else's needs before my own like this."

She shook her head. "But this doesn't explain what you did—or why."

"Maddy, I dinna take a woman for a long time before you. For three years, I was…celibate. I was no' myself. And I'd vowed that if I got back to normal, I would glut myself. Then, with you, everything returned, and I thought…I thought thatnow having another would…Christ, I doona know,dilute this thing I feel for you. Make it ebb, but all my actions did was prove to me that I canna ever imagine myself with anyone other than you."

He looked so genuinely confused, sopanicked even, that she felt her anger easing. The man was falling in love with her.

Finally.

And she was embarrassed to admit it, but she was impressed that he'd stopped in the tavern. Of all the weird, bizarre, licentious scenes she'd witnessed in La Marais—she'dnever seen a man willfully break away before he'd reached completion.Still… "How would you feel if the situation was reversed? Two men kissing my body?"

He blanched and his fists clenched. "Murderous."

"What made you stop? With the women?"

"You said you would…you would fall in love with me if I was faithful." He looked away and muttered, "I want…I think I want you tae."

She raised her fingers to her temples to massage her aching head. "And Quin?"

He scowled. "What about Quin?"

"What could possibly have driven you to tell him we'd been intimate?"

"Oh, that," he said, then explained, "Dinna want him coming for you. I told him you weremine and he kept talkin' like there was something tae discuss."

She couldn't even imagine that conversation. "Are you sorry, Ethan?"

"You ken I doona believe in apologies. And in the end, Iwas faithful." He met her gaze as he said, "But, aye, Maddy, I am so sorry tae have hurt you."

He wanted absolution. He wanted…her. Badly.

Yet, was that enough? She couldn't keep doing this—being tricked into reaching for happiness, then having it snatched from her grasp. "I need to think about all this."

"Aye, of course." He rose, then frowned when she remained seated. "But can you no' think about it back in bed with me?"

She shot him a glare.

"I will no' do anythin'."

"You had two women kissing you just yesterday. Give me a bit of room to breathe, Ethan."

In the early hours of the morning, Ethan heard Maddy cry out, having a nightmare for the first time in several nights.

He ran for her, scooping her up into his arms. "Shh…shh, love. It's over." He rubbed his hand over her back, as he knew she liked. "There, lass. It's over." No more awkward pats—he'd gotten good at comforting her

By the time her tears had waned, she was in his lap, in the circle of his arms, her body boneless. Against her hair, he said, "Let me be here whenever you need me. Marry me in the morning."

After a long hesitation, she asked, "But how can I trust you?"

"Just give me one more chance. You will no' regret it."

At last, she gave a shaky nod. "If you vow to me that you'll be faithful, I will."

He cradled her face in his hands to meet her glinting eyes. "Maddy, I swear it. I'll be true to you."

"But, Ethan, I can't have my hopes crushed anymore. I promise you this is it, the last time I'll go through something like this. So please, don't hurt me again."

"I will no', love. I vow it." When he said the vow, he finallydid mean it—he would do everything in his power to spare her pain.

But he feared no matter what his intentions were now, his past wrongs would prove him a liar. The truth was destructive and would only hurt her more.

Which meant he had to ensure she could never find out.