If You Desire

Chapter Forty-one

Half an hour later, once Jane had washed and dressed, preparing for whatever he had to confess, she sat patiently waiting on the side of his bed.

Hugh hadn't spoken, just paced the room like a caged beast, appearing as if he were…nervous.

"Just say what's on your mind," she said as he passed. "Whatever it is, it can't hurt to tell me."

He slowed. "And how would you know that?"

"Is it a secret that someone would kill me for? That Grey would torture me for?"

"No."

"Does it embarrass you?"

"No, but—"

"Hugh, they're just words. Trust me with your secret, and you won't regret it." When he still resisted, she tried to make light. "Do you worry that I won't find you as attractive if you're not the brooding Highlander with his devilish secrets? Tell me."

"Hell, you won't believe me anyway," he muttered.

"This is going to sound mad. I ken it's going to." He ran a hand over the back of his neck. "But my family was…cursed. I believe that I will bring you nothing but misery if I stay wed to you."

Cursed? What the devil is he talking about?Though her thoughts were wild, her tone was inscrutable when she said, "Go on, I'm listening."

"Ten generations ago, a clan seer foretold the futures of the Carrick line and recorded them in a book called theLeabhar nan Sùil-radharc , theBook of Fates ." He pointed to the old book he always had on the table. "My brothers and I are fated to be solitary, living our lives alone, and will bring pain to those we care for if we think to do otherwise. We will be the last of our line and can never have children. For five hundred years, the foretellings have all come true—every single one of them."

"I-I don't understand…" She inhaled and began again, "Do you care for me enough to stay with me otherwise?" she asked.

"Aye, Christ, yes."

"Then you're telling me that nothing stands in the way of us staying married except for a…curse?"

When he didn't deny it, Jane barely stifled the scream welling in her throat.This just isn't happening to me! How could she be rational in the face of this? Reasonable was impossible.

It was as if one of the foundations of her adult life had just suffered a fracture. Now everything built on it had gone askew. The quiet, steady Hugh she'd known for half her life was gone, and in his place was a superstitious madman.

"Hugh, people simply…people like us simply don't think like this anymore. Not with science and medicine. Mòrag is superstitious because she doesn't know any better. You've traveled the world, and you're educated. Beliefs like this belong in the past."

"And I wish I could put them there. But this has shadowed me for my entire life."

"You know me well enough to know I can't accept things like this."

"Aye, I ken that." He exhaled a long breath. "And I know that you scorn those who do."

"Naturally!" she snapped, then struggled for calm. "Are you telling me this now because you're willing to forget this, forget these beliefs?"

His expression looked hopeless—and resigned. "If I could have figured out a way to get around it, I never would have had to tell you."

When she realized that he wasn't revealing this to explain his past behavior, but to explain why he couldn't stay married to her, her lips parted. "You're really saying this? That aScottish curse—and, my goodness, aren't those always the worst kind?—keeps us from remaining wed?"

All of the worry, the careful strategizing, the effort to win him—all of it was for nothing.

Because of a curse.

Frustration threatened to choke her.No, Father, actually I can'tcajole him into staying with me. She'd never had a chance from the outset.

"Everything in the book comes to pass," Hugh said.

"Everything. I ken it's hard to believe."

"I should have kept a tally of your excuses! You're not the marrying kind, you can't have children, and, oh yes, you are cursed. Anything else you want to declare to scare me away? I know! Youused to be a eunuch? You've only two months to live?" Then, in a breathy voice, she said, "You're aghost , aren't you?"

He clenched and unclenched his jaw, visibly grappling for control. "Do you think I'm lying about this?"

"Hugh, I sincerelyhope you're lying—" She broke off as a thought arose. "Oh, dear God." A trembling hand flew to her forehead. "Does this mean that a five-hundred-year-old curse is the only thing you were trusting to keep me from conceiving?"

"I told you I canna get you with bairn." His eyes narrowed. "But you said it dinna matter either way."

"I said it didn't matter, so long as we were married! Right now, all I know is that you're still leaving. And, yes, you told me you can't have children, but I'm having trouble with the source of your information."

He strode to the table, flipping to the end of the book. "Just read the words, and let me explain."

She shook her head. "I can't listen to this. I would no more listen to this than I would hear an argument that the sun is blue."

"You've wanted to know, and now I'm telling you—the first person I've ever told—but you doona want to hear it?" he demanded. "Read the words."

She yanked the book out of his hands. "This is the root of thecurse ?" At his nod, she tossed it back to the table and flipped through, not bothering to be careful with the pages, though she could tell it was very old. Some of the text was written in Gaelic, some in English. Her brows drew together as she flipped toward the end. Now it all seemed to be written in English.

"Why're you frowning? Did you feel something—"

"Yes!" she cried, swinging a wide-eyed gaze at him. "I'm feeling an overwhelming urge to toss this into the lake."

Ignoring her comment, he moved beside her and turned to the last page. "This was written to my father."

She perused the passage.Not to marry, know love, or bind, their fate; Your line to die for never seed shall take. Death and torment to those caught in their wake… "You said all of this has come true?"

"Aye. My father died the day after we read this the first time, the verra next morning, though he was no' much older than I am now. And years ago, Ethan's intended died the night before his wedding."

"How?"

He hesitated, then said, "She either fell. Or jumped."

"Is this blood?" Jane scratched her nail against the copper stain at the bottom. At his nod, she asked, "What's under the stain?"

"We doona know. It's never been lifted."

She peered up at him. "What if it says, 'Disregard the above'?" At his scowl, she said, "Hugh, I don't think this is a curse—I think this islife . Bad things happen, and if I made myself a template of future woes, I could pick and choose from everything that might have happened to match it. Now, I admit, your father's death was strange. But there are physicians in London who posit that the mind can make the body do anything—even shut down. Belinda told me about it. If your father believed strongly enough, he could have effected this."

"And Ethan? The death of his fiancée directly before his wedding?"

"Was either an accident or his intended wasn't well and couldn't take the idea of marriage to someone she didn't love."

Again and again, she brought up points, calling on everything she'd ever learned about science or just plain human nature.

Finally, he undermined all her efforts by saying simply, "I believe it. Ifeel it."

"Because you were raised to, and you grew into this curse, grew to fit it. You are the epitome of a self-fulfilling prophecy. You believed that you would walk with death, that you weren't supposed to have joy in life." She reached out and tentatively touched his arm. "But Hugh, I'm not expecting you to simply turn this off. It's been with you for thirty-two years—it will take time to let go. I'm willing to work at it if you are." His silence actually made her more optimistic. "In time, we'll get you to start believing that youwill have happiness—that you deserve it." She cupped his face. "Tell me you'll at least try. For me? I'm ready to fight for us if you are."

The moment stretched interminably. Her whole future hung in the balance—but surely he would make the right choice. She couldn't be this in love with someone who would throw away what they had.

When his gaze left her face to flicker uneasily to the book, she realized she'd lost.

Jane didn't lose well.

Releasing him, she snatched the book, then stormed out of the room and down the stairs.

"What're you doing?" He was right behind her as she marched out of the house into the thick morning fog. "Tell me what you're aiming to do."

She hurried through dew-wetted grass toward the loch. "To get rid of the problem."

"The book is no' the problem. Just a reminder of it."

She had the lake in sight and didn't take her eyes from it when she said, "Then I'm ridding you of the reminder." She drew the book to her chest with both arms around it. She suddenly felt a sheen of cold sweat over her body, and inwardly shook herself.

"No, lass, it's no' that simple. Pitching it into the water will no'do anything."

"It might make me feel better." She turned to go to the first rocky rise, farther up the water's edge. It was deeper there, and she wanted this tome to sink to the bottom, never to touch another life again.

"It will no' matter if you cast it in the loch. It always finds its way back."

"Are you mad?" she snapped over her shoulder without slowing. "Listen to yourself!" When she reached the spot she wanted, she changed her grip on the book, readying to lob it, but hesitated.

"What are you waiting for? Do it, lass. I've done it enough."

She raised her eyebrows in challenge. "You think I'm jesting? I'll do it!"

He waved her on, and she flung it with all her might. They both stood silently watching it sink, the pages fluttering until it disappeared.

"Odd. I don't feel any different." She faced him. When he evinced the same grim, resolved expression, she didn't bother to hide her bitter disappointment in him. "You were right—it didn'tdo anything. You're still going to throw away what's between us. We muststill be cursed."

"If I risked only my life, this would be done," he grated. "I would no' think twice. But if I were to cause you any kind of hurt, I could never forgive myself."

Tears began spilling from her eyes. "Any kind of hurt?" She threw her hands up. "Thishurts right now, Hugh. It hurts worse than anything I've ever known." She futilely wiped her eyes with the backs of her hands. "Of course, you'll just see that as proof that the curse is in effect, right?"

"I would no' have had you feeling even this." He looked as if watching her crying was torture. He seemed to want to touch her but only clenched and opened his fist. "I would no' have come back if no' for Grey and would never have seen you again. I managed it for years—"

"You…youpurposely sought not to see me?" He'd been avoiding her? When she'd been begging her cousins to ride with her past his London home, praying for a mere glimpse of him? "This just gets better. Well, understand that the last ten years have been unbearable without you. So by staying away, you hurt me. By abandoning me, you devastated me."

"Abandoned? I never made you any promises."

"I thought we were getting married!" Her tears streamed without check. "I thought you were just waiting until I was eighteen. I didn't describe my wedding ring to someone Ididn't believe would be my husband."

His lips parted, but then he shook his head. "Even if none of this had happened, even without the curse, I still would no' have offered for you. I dinna have anything to offer you. I hadnothing ."

"I wouldn't have cared as long as I was with you."

"That's bullshite!" he roared, finally reaching the limits of his control. "You liked wealth and made no secret of it. And every time you made that clear, you dinna see me tensing at yet another reminder that I was no' good enough for you. You described that ring for a reason, Jane—because you expected it!"

"The only thing I expected wasnot to be abandoned without a word. And I'll tell you right now that it's so much worse to be left behind than to do the leaving."

"You have no bloody idea," he bit out, his tone seething. "You want to know my secrets, Jane? Know that at twenty-two, I went out in the world and did a cold-blooded thing. And I did it foryou . Because I knew if I did such a heinous act, I would never dream of entangling my life with yours. So doona tell me it's easier to walk away—it's no'. No' if you can possibly go back."

"But you're still going to do it again. When Grey's caught."

"Aye. I know that I will," he said, staring down at her. "Even if I doona know how."