Irresistible Forces

“You only want to know, if they let me give you oxygen on takeoff,” she said, sipping her coffee.

“That's what I thought. Don't tell me. It's good for morale. Or it's supposed to be anyway.” And once they took off, she relaxed, and settled into her seat with a stack of reading. He scolded her for bringing her briefcase with her.

“I can't go anywhere without it, Cal,” she smiled sheepishly. “It makes me feel too guilty.”

“We'll have to sign you up for hula lessons to distract you. I don't want you working too hard on this trip, Meredith. You have to get a little fun out of it. Everyone else will.”

“Not if they don't get their special diets, or their rooms are on the wrong floors, or they can't get into the luau.”

“They'll survive it.” They went over the schedule for the meetings, and the groups, and the outlines he had drawn up for discussions, and eventually, Meredith put her papers away, and let Cal talk her into watching the movie. They were on a direct flight to Kona, and the flight was just long enough to allow for one meal, a snack, the movie, and a short nap between takeoff and landing. And halfway through the flight, she saw Cal looking pensively out the window, and couldn't help wondering what he was thinking.

“Are you okay?” she asked him gently.

“I'm fine.” He looked at her. “I was just thinking. We've brought this company so far in a short time. I feel very lucky.”

“It's not luck, Cal. You've worked hard for all of this.”

“So have you in the past four months.” No one had ever worked harder. He was grateful, every time he thought about it, that Charlie had left, and Meredith had joined them. She was one of his greatest assets. “I hope you're as happy with us, as we are with you,” he said gratefully.

“I am. If we ever get Steve a job out here, my life will be perfect.” She looked sad as she said it. It was so hard never having him part of her daily life anymore. He seemed so far away now. And he was. He was someone she visited once or twice a month, like an old friend, or an old boyfriend. There were times when he no longer seemed like her husband. He was no longer part of her daily activities, never there to laugh with or talk to, or share her problems with, except when she could reach him on his pager. He seemed to be home less and less often these days. Like her, he was always working. He had nothing else to do without her.

“I know it's hard on you, Merrie,” Cal said quietly. “I wish there was something I could do about it.”

“Maybe one day there will be. In the meantime, we just have to get through it.” But it wasn't easy. He was one of the only spouses who hadn't come on the trip. And she hated the fact that he wouldn't be there.

“It's a damn shame his job fell through in the East Bay. That was rotten luck.”

“Maybe it was fate,” she said philosophically. “Maybe something better will turn up soon.” She was still hopeful.

“I hope so.” Cal sounded sincere as he said it. More than anything, he wanted her to be happy. Because if she wasn't happy, there was always the chance that she would leave the company, and the thought of that terrified him. Dow Tech needed her now, and so did he, to run the financial end of his business. More than that, he needed her personally. He told her everything, and shared all his fears and joys and confidences with her. They were almost like partners in the business. And there was more than that to it now too. He even confided in her about his children. They were confidants and coconspirators, and best friends.

“It's too bad he couldn't come on this trip. It would have done you both good,” Cal said. He genuinely regretted it for her, and he knew she'd been disappointed when Steve said he couldn't come.

“It's probably just as well. I'll be too busy working.” She was making three presentations with Cal, and another on her own in a separate meeting.

“You'd better make time for some fun too. I don't want you running yourself ragged to keep everyone else happy. Let them fend for themselves a little bit. You're not their tour guide.”

“Tell them that,” she laughed. “You'd never have known it, from the lists of requests I've been getting.”

“Tear them up. And that's an order.”

“Yes, sir,” she said, and saluted smartly while he chuckled.

They talked about other things then, and he told her some funny stories about past retreats, and the crazy things people did when they were in an environment as totally different as this. Charlie McIntosh had gotten drunk and actually slept with one of the hula girls years before, and never lived it down. The story had circulated for years, and he always denied it, but everyone knew it was true, except his wife.

“I'll try to behave,” she said, laughing over it with Cal, and then he looked at her pensively for a long moment, and she was suddenly reminded of Christmas.

“I hope not,” he said softly. She didn't answer him, but they were so close sometimes that it frightened her. In some ways, Cal filled the role that Steve had, when they were living in the same city. There was nothing she didn't tell Cal. And whatever lack of ease had developed between them over the foolishness on Christmas Eve, had been dispelled when she came back after New Year. They were back to their comfortable friendship. But there were moments when the strength of his personality was like a magnet that drew her to him, not necessarily romantically, but she had a sense more often than not, that they were soul mates. It was as though they had been destined to meet and work together, and build an empire. They were like two halves of one entity that fit perfectly, and at times, she didn't understand it. It was hard to believe they hadn't known each other all their lives. It felt that way sometimes, even more so than with Steve. In some ways, she and Cal had more in common, they shared the same goals, the same needs, the same drive, the same passion for business. Steve lived in a different world, his motives seemed purer to her, he was a different kind of human being. And he cared absolutely not at all about money. He didn't understand the work she did, and he really didn't want to know about it. He just wanted to know that she was enjoying what she did. How she did it, and why, was of no importance to him. But Cal understood everything about it. In some ways, that was easier for her.

The plane landed shortly after noon, local time, and she and Cal herded their charges off the plane, and managed to get everyone on the bus to the hotel. The luggage would come later, and whatever was lost would eventually be found. They were all free that afternoon, and they didn't have to meet up until dinner. A luau had been arranged for them, and afterward there was to be dancing. The meetings weren't scheduled to start until the next morning. She and Cal were going to kick them off with a short speech, and after that, there was going to be a slide show. She had it all organized, and they had talked about it on the plane. There was nothing left to do except relax, go to the beach or the pool that afternoon, and then meet the others for dinner.

“Do you want to have lunch in my room?” Cal asked as they checked into the hotel. His room was next to hers, and as it turned out, they shared a terrace.

“Sure,” she said easily. “I want to go swimming afterward. Maybe we can escape the others until dinner.”

“Sounds good to me,” he said, and then carried her briefcase to her room for her. She was surprised to see she had a suite, and so did he, and then she realized he had personally reserved hers for her. It had a large, handsome living room, all done in sandy tones, and a beautifully done white bedroom. It looked like a spread in a magazine, and there were huge silver-dipped conch shells on the coffee table. She had a small kitchenette, a bar, and there was music playing when she walked into the room, with Cal just behind her. “This is spectacular,” she said to him, as she looked out at the palm trees that framed the view of the ocean.

“I thought it would be pretty at sunset. And I wanted you next to me, so the others didn't bother you.” They were all on other floors, which had been clever of him. It didn't even occur to her that they might think it was odd that their rooms were side by side. There had never been any gossip about them, and everyone knew she was married. She talked about Steve often.

Cal went to his own room then, and settled in, and their luggage arrived a few minutes later. Nothing had gotten lost apparently, which was nothing short of a miracle, with a group that size. Cal had ordered club sandwiches for them, and everything was set up on his terrace, when she joined him. He had even ordered her a mai-tai.

“I'm going to be following in Charlie's footsteps if I don't watch out,” she laughed, “and getting drunk at lunch time.”

“If you start chasing hula girls, Meredith, I'm going to send you home.”

“I'll try not to,” she said demurely.

The sandwiches were delicious, and the mai-tai was too strong, but she sipped a little of it, and they sat on his terrace for a long time, admiring the view, and relaxing. And then finally, she got up and told him she was going swimming.

“I'll keep you company,” he offered, and they both went to change, and she came back a few minutes later in a bikini with a long shirt over it, and sandals, and she looked as impeccable as ever. So did he in a bathing suit with a matching shirt and a pair of driving shoes. They made a very handsome couple, and no one would ever have suspected they weren't married. They seemed so intimate and so comfortable with each other, it would have been hard to believe that they had never slept with each other. Cal commented on it as they went downstairs, and she looked surprised.

“Do you really think people would think we're married?” It seemed to amuse her. It seemed an odd assumption to make, to her at least.

“Yes, I do. We even look alike. We're both blond, and our eyes are almost the same color. We like the same things, we even dress alike sometimes.” He had noticed it more than once, but she shook her head and laughed at what he was saying.

“That proves you're wrong. People never come in matched sets like us. They look like me and Steve, one dark, one fair, and he always looks like he dressed in the dark at Goodwill. I love him, but he looks a mess. I could have killed him when he came out the first time, to meet you, in his thousand-year-old jacket. I keep trying to throw it away, but he loves it. I've finally given up and accepted the fact that he'll keep it forever. And wear it.”

“He looked fine to me.” Cal said charitably. But she was right, Steve looked odd with her. She was always beautifully dressed, and everything about her was neat and in order and perfect. Cal guessed correctly that Steve was more at ease in his hospital garb than in real clothes, or a proper suit. He wondered if he even owned one. He did, in fact he owned several, thanks to Meredith, who bought them for him, but he never wore them.

They went down to the beach, and one of the beach boys set them up on deck chairs with towels, and Meredith took off her shirt, and lay down in her bikini. And although he was tempted to, Cal made no comment. She looked incredible in her bathing suit. More so than he had ever dreamed. He picked up his book, but with Meredith in such close proximity, with her smooth flesh and gentle curves, he found it impossible to concentrate on his reading.

“Don't you like your book?” She had noticed him staring into space, and smiled at him. He had an odd expression as he looked out at the horizon. As though he had suddenly seen someone or something he hadn't expected to find there.

“No … no … I mean, yes … it's fine. … I was just thinking about something else.”

“Is something wrong?” She wondered suddenly if she had done something to offend him, but he only shook his head, got up, and walked down the beach by himself. She was worried about him, and followed him slowly a few minutes later. She didn't want to intrude on him, but she had an odd sense that he was troubled. “Are you okay?” she asked as she caught up with him. She was reluctant to bother him, but he had looked so upset for a moment that it concerned her. And this time he hesitated before he answered. His head had been down as he walked down the sandy beach, with his feet in the water. He looked up at her then, and nodded.

“I'm okay, Merrie.” But he wasn't convincing.

“What's up?”

“Oh, I don't know … life, I guess. Do you ever just stop and question yourself, and wonder if you've had your head up your ass for the past ten years, and didn't know where you were going?” She was surprised that he looked so unhappy. It was like a dark cloud that had suddenly passed in front of the bright sun, and everything was instantly in shadow, which seemed unlike him.

“What brought that on you? You seemed fine a minute ago.”

“I was. I am. I just wonder about my life sometimes. I get so focused on some things, I forget others.”

“We all do that,” she said gently, as they neared the end of the beach, and sat down on the sand together, with the surf lapping near their feet, the ocean ahead, and the hotel behind them. There was no one around them. “You haven't lost track of the important things, Cal. You have great kids, a good life, an important business. You haven't been wasting your time.”

“What makes you so sure of that? And how do any of us know what's really important? How do I know my kids won't hate me ten years from now for something I did, or didn't do, or failed to see or understand? I think I'm right so much of the time, and once in a while, I wonder if I'm headed in the right direction. Sometimes I think I've got it all ass backwards. In fifty years who is really going to give a damn about Dow Tech, and everything I think is so goddamn important? Maybe all that really matters are the people you care about,” he hesitated and then finished his thought, which was what had upset him in the first place. “Or the lack of them. I've been so busy being pissed off at Charlotte for the last eight years, that there's never been room enough in my life for anyone else. All I had room for was my anger. All I cared about was how much she'd hurt me.” It was the first time he had ever said that to her, or anyone, in just that way. “You know, for a long time I thought I hated her. Now I feel like I wasted all that time on feelings that got me nowhere. And now what?”

“What do you mean, ‘now what’?” She was startled by what he was saying to her. They were serious thoughts to have while lying on a beach in Kona, getting a tan.

“Now what? I'm fifty-one years old. I've been pissed off at someone who's been gone for the last eight years. I've got three great kids who'll be grown up any minute. And my whole life is my business.”

“It sounds like you're eating nails to me, Callan Dow.” She was always honest and outspoken with him. “You're feeling sorry for yourself. You're fifty-one, not ninety. You've got a lot of time to do things differently, if you want to. No one says you have to stay alone for the rest of your life, if that's what's bothering you, and you don't have to stay pissed at Charlotte.”

“I don't think I am anymore actually. Maybe that's the problem. Other than what I feel for my kids, hating her has been the main emotion in my life for nearly ten years. Without that, what have I got? Maybe not enough, Merrie.”

“Maybe it's time to look in a new direction,” she said simply. She had a way of cutting through complicated emotions and situations and getting right to the core of the issue. It was one of the things he liked about her in business. But there were a lot of things he liked about her. Too many. In some ways.

“What are you suggesting? Where am I supposed to look? To my kids to be my whole life until they leave and get their own lives? To some unimportant woman I don't care about who I can take to dinner half a dozen times before I figure out that she bores me, or someone else who is excited about what I have instead of who I am? Merrie, there's not much out there.”

“That's bullshit,” she said, stretching her long legs across the sand toward the water, and letting her toes play in the wet sand as he watched her. “Not everyone is boring, and not everyone is after your money.”

“Don't bet on it. What about you?” he asked, looking unhappy. ‘‘ What are you going to do if it falls apart with Steve? Have you ever thought about that?”

“I try not to.” But the truth was, she had lately. Living on separate coasts had put a tremendous strain on them, and at times now, she was frightened. She felt as though they were being pulled apart by fate, destiny, and a force greater than they were. She had never felt that before, and it was a terrifying feeling. “I don't know what I'd do,” she said honestly. “Steve has been my life for so long, I'd be lost without him. He's good for me, and I love him. My life would be a huge dark hole without him.” And she felt that way now, as though she would fall into an abyss of misery and terror if she lost him. She hated to even think about it. But she knew that if things didn't get better, and one of them didn't make a move soon, it could happen. She was just beginning to face that. After nearly four months of living apart, they seemed to be heading in different directions, and they had to do something about it soon.

“What would you do if you two got divorced?” She hated even hearing the question, much less thinking about it.

“Kill myself,” she said too quickly to mean it, and then pondered the question. “I don't know. Pick up the pieces and start over, I guess. But it would take me a long time to do it. Just as it's taken you a long time, Cal. That's not surprising. You had a lot invested in that marriage, three kids, seven years, you obviously believed in her and trusted her, and she betrayed you. I think it must take a long time to recover from something like that, if you ever do completely.”

“It has taken me a long time,” he admitted quietly, lying on the warm sand next to her, and admiring the way she looked as she lay there. She was completely unaware of her effect on him, for which he was grateful. It was simpler that way. He wasn't about to make the same mistake he had at Christmas. “Maybe too long,” he said. “I'm beginning to feel like I've wasted the last eight years. I just wanted to show everyone how hard and cynical I was, so they wouldn't know I was hurting. But I was. Too much, for too long,” but he looked better as he said it.

“And now?” she pressed him. But he didn't mind. He was always open with her.

“I just want to move on and have a life again. Suddenly I miss everything I haven't had for all these years, and I'm sitting here wondering where the hell I've been and what I've been thinking.”

“And you want it now,” she laughed at him. As he was about everything, he was impatient and wanted instant results and immediate solutions.

“Of course,” he beamed at her, feeling better than he had in years. He loved talking to her. Not only was she a brilliant addition to his business, but she was the best friend he'd ever had. He had been standing under a lucky star the day he found her. “Okay, so find me the perfect woman.” He treated her like the friend she was, since he had no other options with her. For all their theoretical talk about what would happen if things didn't work out with Steve, he knew she was still very much in love with him, and deeply devoted to their marriage. The only man she wanted was Steve, and Cal as her best friend.

“Was pimping for you part of my job description?” she asked, looking amused.

“Of course. It was in the fine print.”

“Great. And where am I supposed to find her?”

“Damned if I know,” he said with a boyish grin. “I sure haven't. I don't think there are too many perfect ones out there. Lots of damaged goods, and boring stupid ones, as my kids say. The perfect ones seem to be hiding.” He looked at her long and hard as they lay there side by side. “Or they're married.” She understood the compliment and was touched by it, but she said nothing to him.

They lay there quietly for a while, and finally he got up and pulled her to her feet, and they walked back down the beach, hand in hand, like two kids. He felt better after talking to her, and after they found their way back to their chairs, they discovered that some of the others had come down to the beach as well, and were lying near them. But Cal looked like himself again, and the cloud that seemed to have overshadowed him for awhile had been dispelled. They ordered drinks on the beach, and chatted with the others. And after a couple of hours, Meredith and Cal went back upstairs to change.

She took a shower and put on a white silk dress, and some turquoise beads, her hair was clean and shining, and she was wearing high-heeled white sandals when he next saw her. She looked incredible, but he could no longer forget how she had looked on the beach in her bikini. Everything about her was unforgettable, and when she smiled at him on the terrace they shared, he could feel something go weak inside him. And she knew him so well that he was worried that she'd see it. But she gave no sign of it.

“Ready for the onslaught?” he asked her, handing her a glass of white wine. They stood drinking together for a moment, watching a glorious sunset. “It's beautiful here, isn't it?”

“Too much so.” It made her sad seeing something like that without Steve to share it with. There were so many special moments they missed now. And she hadn't been able to reach him since they got there. The nurses had told her when she called that he'd been in surgery on and off since that morning. “I almost wish we didn't have to join the others, and we could just sit here on the terrace and have a quiet dinner tonight.”

“No such luck, my dear,” he laughed. They were going to be sharing dinner with fifty people, all of them hell bent on having a great time, and a noisy one, at the luau. But he shared Meredith's wish that they could have a peaceful evening.

As always, she was gracious with everyone, introduced people to others they hadn't met, kept an eye on what was happening, and seemed to dissipate problems before they occurred. Everyone was unaware of it except Cal, but he was well aware of everything that she did to ensure that the evening was a success for everyone who'd been there.

“You're amazing, you know, Merrie.” He commented on it as they went back to their rooms at midnight. “You're like a magician passing through the crowd, you see everything and wave your magic wand and keep everyone happy. Even me.” She knew he disliked Hawaiian food, he had confessed it to her once when they were planning the trip, and she had seen to it that they served him steak and french fries, and a salad. He had been startled when they set it down in front of him, and knew instantly how it had happened. “Is there anything you don't think of?”

“Hopefully, not much,” she said, pleased that he noticed. It wasn't her job to take care of all the things she did, but she liked doing it, and it was obvious that no one else was going to.

“Thanks to you, it was a great evening. It couldn't have been much fun for you though, you were always working.”

“I actually enjoyed it too.” The setting had been spectacular, and the atmosphere comfortable and festive.

“Do you want to sit on the terrace for a while?” he suggested, and she nodded. He had a bottle of champagne in his bar, and he poured a glass for each of them. She hadn't had anything to drink since the glass of wine they'd shared at the beginning of the evening. The others had all indulged themselves on scorpions and mai-tais, and she knew there'd be a few headaches in the morning. But she was clear and fresh and sober as she sat next to him in the warm, tropical night, and he was too. They just sat there quietly, at ease with each other. They didn't need to say anything, they were just enjoying a sense of harmony and fulfillment, and relaxing.

Meredith set down her glass after a while, and without saying anything, he reached out and took her hand, and they smiled at each other.

“Thank you for being such a good friend to me, Merrie.”

“You've done an awful lot for me, Cal.”

“This is just the beginning.” They were going to take his company far, and he was even thinking of starting a new division with her. They had been talking about it for months, but he wasn't thinking of that now as he looked at her, and as he had six weeks before, he leaned over, unable to resist the pull he felt, and kissed her. He felt an electric current go through him as he did, and a sense of panic that he was doing the wrong thing, but he couldn't help himself, and neither could she. Her arms went around his neck, and she kissed him, and they sat that way for a long time, holding tightly to each other. He knew he should apologize to her again, but this time he couldn't bring himself to, because he knew the apology wouldn't have been honest. “I shouldn't say this to you,” he whispered finally, “but I love you, Merrie.” It was a cry from his heart, his soul. He had known it for a while. And she knew it too. She had known it without knowing, and she nodded. That was the force she had felt pulling her away from Steve. It was Callan.

“I love you too, Cal,” she said softly. It wasn't just desire that raged between them. It was so much more. It was as though they were part of one body, one soul. And whatever happened next, she knew that for this one moment in time, she was his right now.

He took her in his arms again, and held her, and every inch of him hungered for her. He had longed for her for so long. She kissed him with a passion she had never felt before for anyone, not even her husband. Her hands slipped beneath his shirt, and felt his chest, and he gently slipped her white silk dress off her shoulders. And as she stood up, it fell to her feet, and she stood there in all her glory, in white satin bikini pants, and her high-heeled sandals. She took his breath away as she had on the beach, and a moment later, he picked her up and carried her into his bedroom. He laid her gently on the bed as she kicked off her shoes, and he took off his shirt and his trousers, and then he slipped off her underwear and admired her beauty.

“You're incredible,” he whispered.

“I've never done this before,” she said softly, sounding frightened.

“I know.” She had told him long before that she'd been faithful to Steve. But this was different. This was a need so profound and so powerful that neither of them could resist it. “Don't be afraid, Merrie….” His hands roamed all over her, and as their lips met, she moaned softly. “I love you so much. … I've never loved anyone like this before,” he said, echoing everything she felt for him, and had known in some part of her since the beginning. She wanted to believe this was wrong, but in her heart of hearts she couldn't. And she knew in her very soul, that this was what, and who, she had been born for, and where she had to be.

Chapter 14

THE TIME CALLAN and Meredith spent in Hawaii was half fairy tale, half nightmare. Neither of them had been as happy in their lives, yet they both knew that the forbidden fruit they had tasted there would inexorably change their lives. Meredith had no idea how to resolve it. There was no question in her mind anymore, she was in love with Cal, and he with her, but the question was what, if anything, to do about it. They had no right to what they shared, yet neither of them could bear to think of ending it. The dream had just begun.

“What are we going to do about this?” she asked Cal, as they lay in bed late one night, having finally escaped the others. They were being completely circumspect in public and they were sure no one had guessed their secret. But all they wanted to do now was go back to their room and be alone, make love, and talk until all hours. They had talked one night until dawn, and then finally slept a few hours until their meeting.

They were working together as usual, but the new dimension they'd added to their relationship changed everything. And between the time difference, and his schedule, Meredith hadn't talked to Steve since she'd arrived in Hawaii.

“What do you want to do about this, Merrie?” Cal asked her seriously, as he lay on his side, looking at her, tracing a lazy finger down the gentle curves of her body. What they had shared so far were volcanoes of passion and islands of calm. But what waited for them beyond the shores where they stood was a storm of terrifying proportions and dangerously deep waters. It was no secret to either of them, and Cal looked happy and peaceful as he looked into her eyes. They knew they loved each other, but they knew nothing more than that yet. And he had no idea which way Meredith would choose to turn, toward the past or the future. Either was possible, and she herself was drifting slowly toward the unknown with no real sense of direction. She was like a ship that had gently slipped away from its mooring.

“I just don't know,” Meredith said honestly, as she lay close to him, feeling his strength and his warmth enticingly near her. What she felt for him was so powerful it still took her breath away. “I can't do this to Steve, Cal. … I can't … I can't leave him.” But she couldn't leave Cal either now, she knew that as well. She was trapped between two worlds, and she felt pulled in opposite directions.

“Let's not make any decisions right now,” he said sensibly, trying to stay calm, and not frighten her. “We don't have to do anything now. Why don't we just enjoy this while we can?” She nodded silently in answer, he kissed her, and then slowly began to make love to her again.

They couldn't keep their hands off each other while they were in their rooms, but they were extremely circumspect when they were around other people from the firm, or in meetings. They gave the speeches they had prepared, led small groups, and joined the others for both lunch and dinner. Even the most observant of their colleagues would have been hard put to find anything out of the ordinary in their exchanges. But what Meredith felt when she was with him, more than anything, was a kind of unspoken intimacy and greater depth between them. It was intangible, but very real, and enhanced everything they had shared until that moment. And it was so obvious to her that it seemed incredible that no one else could see it.

“They must be blind,” she said to Cal, as they sat wrapped in towels on their terrace before they went to dress for dinner. They had been swimming on the beach, and had just taken a long hot bath together, and had inevitably made love.

“People don't see what's right in front of them sometimes,” he said comfortably, sipping a martini. He didn't drink during the day, but he enjoyed a cocktail before dinner, and occasionally Merrie joined him, but that evening she didn't. She wanted to be clearheaded for their gathering that night. What was happening to them seemed heady enough to her, and she didn't want to add to it. “Are you happy?” he asked, as she lay on a deck chair, watching the sunset with him.

“More so than I deserve.” What they had discovered was very special to both of them, but she also knew that, for the moment at least, it was borrowed, if not stolen. And sooner or later they would have to pay their dues. But not yet. For the moment, it was still theirs for the taking, and neither of them could resist. The force that had pulled them toward each other was more powerful than they were.

“You deserve everything you want,” Cal said lovingly, as he leaned down to kiss her.

“Sometimes that's not true,” she said softly. “Things don't always work out the way you want them to. I wish we had met sooner.”

“So do I,” he said with a sigh, “but maybe neither of us would have been ready.” But nor were they now. He may have been free, but she was married. “We do everything so well together, Meredith.”

“Yeah, I know,” she smiled, “like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.”

“No. Like Callan Dow and Meredith Whitman. We're special people, Merrie. We both are. We know what we want, and we're not afraid to work like dogs to make it happen. The same could be true for us now, if we want this. We could have a wonderful life together, if we decide to go for it. I don't want to push you into anything. The question is what do you want? And how badly do you want it? Getting from here to there might not be easy for you.” It was something of an understatement, but it was the first time he had offered to share his life with her, although it was not yet clear on what basis. As mistress or wife or girlfriend? And she realized that maybe even he didn't know yet.

“I'm not willing to hurt Steve for us, Cal,” she said quietly. “He doesn't deserve that.” In spite of what she felt for Cal now, she couldn't imagine a life without her husband. He had been part of her life for too long now to give that up. He was part of her, body and soul. It was more complicated than Cal knew. She had never been unhappy with Steven. Circumstances had taken them from each other, not choice. The only choice she'd made was to move to California, and Steve had made it with her, but she still wasn't so certain that it was a good one.

They had dinner with the others that night, and stayed out later than usual with them, dancing beneath the stars, and then they went for a walk on the beach in the dark, just holding hands and talking softly. They never kissed when they were out of their room, for fear that someone would see them.

And finally, the next morning, Steve called her. Cal had just left her room, and she was startled when the phone rang and she heard him. And the moment she heard his voice, she felt incredibly guilty.

“How's it going, Merrie?” Steve asked cheerfully. “Having fun?”

“It's been great so far,” she said, matching her tone to his, but she felt like a criminal when she did it. “We've been very busy.”

“I'll bet you have. It must be like taking Boy Scouts to camp.”

“More or less,” she laughed, but it was a hollow sound, and she almost winced thinking of the pain she might cause him.

They talked for a short time, and she finally told him she had to go to a meeting. “I'll call you when I can,” she promised, and he gave her dispensation, if not absolution.

“Don't worry about it, babe. I know you're busy. Just call when it's convenient.” Everything he said made her feel worse by the minute, and when she saw Cal after their first meeting of the day, he sensed her tension.

“Is something wrong, Merrie?” he asked softly, as they walked to lunch with the others.

“I talked to Steve.” She looked unhappy as she said it, and for an instant, he panicked. He was terrified of what she would say next. He didn't want their romance to end.

“Did you tell him about us?” He knew that it was an eventual possibility, but to him, it seemed early days to do that. They were still feeling their way along, trying to figure out where they were going. This was still very new to both of them, and he thought they needed some time to adjust, before she told her husband, although he hoped that she would eventually. The only thing he knew at the moment was that, if it was possible, he wanted a future with Merrie, one that did not include Steve.

“No, of course not,” she answered. “But he was so nice on the phone, I felt terrible. Cal, he doesn't deserve this.”

He nodded, not sure what to say to her, and then whispered, “No, but we do. Maybe we've earned it.”

“Not at his expense,” she countered. And there was no hiding from the fact that someone was going to get hurt. They had to. There couldn't be three winners in a situation like this. Someone was going to lose.

“What are you saying to me?” he said with a look of panic as they walked slowly behind the others. He wondered if she was already telling him that it was over, but she couldn't do that.

“I'm just saying that I feel badly for him. But at least he doesn't know anything about it.”

“I understand,” Cal said, relieved. And they walked into lunch side by side.

For the rest of the trip, they did what they had come to do, and the retreat went extremely well from everyone's point of view. And at night, they discovered new worlds in each other's arms, and cemented the bond that had been growing for months between them. By the time they left Hawaii, Meredith was so in love with him that in some ways, she wished the world could share their happiness with them. But there was no way for them to do that. More than ever, they had to be discreet.

Cal took her to her apartment when they got home, and spent hours there with her. And when the phone rang, she didn't answer it. She knew it would be Steve, and she just couldn't face it. This was rapidly becoming more than she could cope with.

Cal had to tear himself away when he left finally, and after he got home and saw his kids, he called her, and this time, hoping it would be him, she answered.

“I miss you,” he said softly, and she laughed. They were like two high school kids, head over heels in love with each other.

“I miss you too. Do you want to come back later?” she whispered.

“I thought you'd never ask,” he said, laughing at himself, and happy with her. He said good night to his children, left them with the housekeeper when they went to bed, and was back with her by eleven. And the next morning they went to work together. He had asked the housekeeper to tell the kids he had an early meeting, in case they didn't see him in the morning.

“How are we going to do this?” she asked, as she fixed him breakfast and handed him The Wall Street Journal.

“Carefully, I suspect. Wisely, sensibly. Slowly. We both have to give this a lot of thought, Meredith.” They had talked about it a lot, and they both wanted to proceed slowly. They had a lot to think about. And she had told him from the first that she was not going to leave Steve. And he said he understood that. But what that meant, for both of them, was that this could be finite. It was only a question of how long it would last, how they could manage it with the least potential damage for everyone, and if it was worth it. For the moment, they were both convinced it would be, no matter how limited their future. And Cal knew he had to accept that, although he didn't like it. He wanted Merrie in his life now, as much more than just a friend and employee.

They spent the day together at work, as usual. And Steve called her before lunch. He was busy, dashing in and out of surgeries, and still covering for Harvey Lucas. Lucas was scheduled to be out for another month, or three weeks at least. But Anna was still helping keep all the balls in the air. The trauma unit was like a circus act, and he was on the high wire most of the time, riding a unicycle, and juggling flaming torches.

Steve barely had time to ask her about Hawaii, and inquired if she was still coming home that weekend. She said she was, and then the moment she hung up, she regretted it, when Cal walked in and asked her if she wanted to go to Carmel with him and his children.

“I'd love to,” she said, looking disappointed, “but I just told Steve I'd come home.” She saw something flicker in Cal's eyes, but he said nothing. “Maybe I should call him and postpone it.”

“That's up to you,” he said quietly. He didn't want to put undue pressure on her. But as she thought about it, she hated leaving him, and she knew she wasn't ready to see Steve yet after everything that had happened in Hawaii.

She called Steve back that afternoon, and told him that something had come up at the office, and she had to see customers that weekend. He said he understood, but he didn't sound happy about it. And she felt like an ax murderer again when she hung up. She was doing something she had never done with him before. She was lying to him. And it also occurred to her that she was doing exactly what Cal's ex-wife had done, and he had hated her for it. She was sleeping with her boss, and lying to her husband. It wasn't a pretty picture, and she said as much to Cal that night, when they were at her apartment. He had come over after having dinner with his kids, and he was tired. But he didn't like what she said about Charlotte.

“This is not the same thing, Merrie,” he said emphatically.

“How is it different? It's almost exactly the same situation.”

“She was involved with him when I married her, and she never told me. She continued the affair after our marriage, and on and off while we were having children. We were married for seven years, and she was involved with him the entire time, and had been for several years before that. She never told me what was going on, and she left me for him. I'd say that's very different. I never knew any of it until I figured it out for myself afterward. And it's just a miracle that none of my children are his. If they didn't all look so much like me, I'd be worried.”

“That must have been awful,” Meredith sympathized with him, but she still didn't like the similarities in the two situations, and undeniably, there were some.

And that weekend they went to Carmel with his children. They stayed at the Lodge at Pebble Beach, and she had a separate room, but surprisingly, none of his children seemed to mind her being with them. They had accepted her as a friend. She shopped with the girls while Cal and Andy played golf. And they went to Platti in Carmel, and had pasta for dinner. And the conversation was lively. The children teased their father about a number of things, his hair, the way he dressed, the kind of women he liked, or didn't, even the way he played golf. But it was all in relatively good humor. It was obvious that despite whatever foibles they saw, they genuinely loved him. And they gave Meredith safe passage, because they knew she wasn't his girlfriend, and was married to Steve.

“It must be hard not having your husband live here,” Mary Ellen said sympathetically, which startled Meredith. It was a surprisingly adult thing to say, and she nodded in agreement.

“It is. He's trying to find a job, but it's not easy, and right now he's stuck in New York anyway, because his boss had an accident,” she explained.

“He fixes people who get shot, right?” Andy asked sensibly and she laughed.

“That and a few other things.”

“People must shoot each other a lot in New York to need a special doctor for it,” he added, and they all laughed. It was an interesting perception, and not entirely inaccurate, but it reminded her again that Steve was very much part of her life, and she couldn't avoid him forever.

She and Cal talked about it again that night, and she said she really had to go home the following weekend. But when Thursday came, she found she truly did have to see customers, coming in from Tokyo. And she didn't know what to tell Steve, since she had already used that excuse for the weekend she'd spent in Carmel with Cal and his kids.

“Again?” Steve said unhappily when she told him she couldn't come home that weekend. “Christ, Merrie, do you ever plan to get back here? You know how stuck I am, with Lucas gone.”

“What about Anna? Can't she cover for you, so you can come out to California?”

“Not this week. She just worked six days straight on duty and on call. She hasn't seen her kid in days. I told her I'd at least be on call for her through Sunday.”

“So if I'd come, then you might have been busy anyway. Maybe it's just as well I can't do it.” She was making excuses that didn't quite fly with Steven.

“Look, Merrie. I don't care who goes where. I want to see you. The last bulletin I had was that we're still married. And if that's the case, I'd like to see you more than once a month, if that's okay with you.” He was really irritated with her.

“I'll come back next week.” She sounded apologetic as she said it.

“That's what you say every week, and then on Thursdays you call to tell me you have to see customers, or go to Hawaii, or fly a kite with Callan Dow. I don't know what the fuck you're doing out there, but all I know is that I never see you anymore.” He sounded angry and tired and jealous, and she couldn't blame him.

“I'm sorry. I don't know what to say.” She was feeling desperately guilty, and a little frightened by what she was doing. No matter what she felt for Cal, or how good it was, she was risking her marriage and she knew it. She couldn't expect Steve to put up with this forever.

“Never mind, Meredith. I'll see you when I see you. If you come to New York, call me. I have to get back to work now.” He almost hung up on her, and she felt uncomfortable for the rest of the day, thinking about it. But she didn't say anything to Cal. Steve was her problem. And her husband.

She entertained at Fleur de Lys with Cal on Friday night, the Japanese loved French food, and they thought the restaurant was excellent. And on Saturday, they took them to Masa's. Their meetings with them went well, too, and they were enthusiastic about a new system Cal was putting together. Meredith spent all her time with them until they left on Sunday. And when she called Steve that night, he was out, and she drove over to have dinner with Cal and the children. As it turned out, Steve worked all weekend in New York, and if Meredith had been there, he couldn't have seen her. They had another blizzard, and the temperature dropped dramatically. There were sheets of ice on the ground, and Steve said he had never seen as many fractures. He was assisting the orthopods in surgery day and night, and he had four head-ons, which involved children.

He had given Anna the weekend off, but he was thrilled to see her when she finally came in on Sunday evening, and he was still working.

“I hear you had a good time this weekend.” She smiled at him. She had had fun sliding around on the snow on garbage can lids and plastic bags in Central Park with her daughter. “Thanks for the time off. We had a great time.”

“Lucky you,” he growled at her. “Every old lady in New York has been in here with a fractured ass since you left on Friday.”

“I like that diagnosis. Did you tell them that?”

“Yeah. They loved it.” He smiled grudgingly at her. He'd been in a bad mood since Thursday.

“Did Meredith fly in?” she asked casually, wondering if they'd had a fight, or if he'd even seen her. She'd had the feeling lately that things weren't going brilliantly between them.

“No. She had to see customers. Again,” he snapped at her.

“You couldn't have seen her anyway if she had come,” Anna said practically, judging from his workload.

“That's what she said. She could have at least tried.”

“Look, kid. You're both busy. You knew this wouldn't be easy when you let her move, but you thought you'd both have jobs. Now you don't and you're both trying to make the best of it. It's not her fault your job fell through.” She was being reasonable, but it annoyed him that she wasn't as sorry for him as he thought she should be.

“Do you have to rub it in? Or do you just do that for the hell of it?” he snarled at her and shrugged, and then a minute later he apologized for it. “I'm sorry. I had a shit weekend. I haven't slept since Friday night. I'm sick and tired of the bullshit here. I miss my wife. And I get the feeling she never wants to come back here anymore, and it's driving me crazy.”

“So go see her,” Anna said sensibly. “Next Saturday is Valentine's Day. Why don't you surprise her?”

“What if she does the same thing and flies here and I miss her?” He was too tired to work it out in his head, but Anna wasn't. And at heart, despite her blunt words and bad breaks, she was still a romantic.

“So tell her you're on duty and can't see her, and she won't come. Then you fly out, and surprise her … you know, chocolates, roses, the whole Valentine thing. Very romantic. She'll love it.” Anna smiled at him, wishing someone would do the same for her, but there was no one to do it. Hadn't been in years.

“Anna,” he beamed at her happily, “you're a genius.” He made his reservations on the phone that night, and was planning to fly out on Friday at noon when he got off work. With the time difference, he could be in Palo Alto before she left the office. “Thank you,” he said to Anna before he went home to get some sleep, and promised her he'd be back in the morning.

“Just call me Cupid,” she called after him, as she watched him go. He was so tired, he was weaving. She was glad he wasn't driving. She knew he'd take a cab home to the apartment he hadn't let her see yet. She had long since guessed that he didn't want her to feel bad when she saw how luxurious it was. But she knew his wife made a lot of money. He came to see her at her place instead sometimes for a glass of wine, or a burrito when she made them. He and Felicia were pals now, and they both enjoyed the visits.

It was quiet in trauma unit that night, and Anna didn't need to call him for anything. She handled the unit well by herself, and the residents and nurses all liked her. She was still hoping the job would become permanent eventually, but there was no sign of it yet. Steve didn't seem to be going anywhere. And when she thought about it, as she sat in his office that night, she was glad.

Chapter 15

WHAT ARE YOU doing on Saturday?” Cal asked Meredith cryptically on Friday morning.

“Nothing much,” she smiled at him. She knew what day it was, and what he probably had in mind. Saturday was Valentine's Day, and she was staying in California for yet another weekend. Steve had already told her days before that he was working and there was no point in her flying to New York. They had canceled yet another weekend, and it was worrying her that they seemed to be drifting apart so swiftly. It concerned her even more that the life that she was building with Cal was becoming more solid by the minute. They saw each other nearly every night, and he stayed over whenever he could get away with it. She had dinner with him and the kids, and went to basketball games and movies and other places with them, every weekend. She was becoming a fixture. And he was beginning to feel like her husband.

No one at work had spotted anything yet, and they were supremely careful to see that that didn't happen. And his kids didn't seem to have any suspicions either. Everyone seemed to assume that they were the same friends they'd always been since she'd started working for him. But sooner or later she knew that someone might discover them, and then they would have a serious problem. It would hardly have been appropriate for people to know she was cheating on her husband.

“How about dinner at Fleur de Lys tomorrow night?” he suggested casually, and she smiled with pleasure.

“I'd love it.” It seemed odd not to spend Valentine's Day with Steve, and she felt guilty about wanting to be with Cal in San Francisco. But the truth was, she wanted to be with Cal, not Steve, for the time being.

“Why don't you come over and hang out tonight? I'll rent some videos and we can make popcorn,” he suggested.

“Do you want me to bring the videos?” she offered as she put her work into her briefcase. But she seemed to be taking less and less work home on the weekends. She was spending time with him instead, and not really in the mood to do “homework.”

“Sure, you bring the videos. I'll make dinner for us after the kids eat,” he volunteered. It sounded good to both of them, and Meredith tried not to think of what they were doing. They were living a fantasy that felt good now, but it couldn't go on forever, particularly once Steve found a job and moved to California. No matter how they avoided it now, eventually they knew they'd have to face it. But not yet, she told herself. Not yet. What she was sharing with Cal was too sweet to abandon. She knew it was selfish of her but she couldn't bring herself to break it off yet, no matter how guilty she felt about Steven.

“I'll come over in a couple of hours,” she promised. She wanted to take a bath, and relax, and give him some time with his children before she joined him. She didn't want to wear out her welcome with them.

She drove home to the furnished apartment she was still living in. She still hadn't found a house she liked, and she was spending less time working on it. She'd been busy, and as long as Steve was still in New York, she couldn't see the point of living in the city. And she wanted to stay in Palo Alto to be near Cal now. He had told her she could keep the apartment she had for as long as she wanted.

She let herself into her apartment with her key, and as she walked in, she suddenly had an odd feeling. She sensed, more than saw anything different. There was just an eerie feeling as she walked into her living room, and set down her briefcase, and as she did, Steve walked out of her bedroom with a huge bouquet of flowers. She nearly jumped a foot when she saw him. The last thing she expected was to see Steve there.

“What are you doing here?” she said, as though he were an intruder, and he looked at her with an odd expression, as he walked toward her with the flowers.

“I thought you'd be happy to see me,” he said, looking disappointed.

“I am.” She covered her tracks immediately, and moved toward him. “I just … I didn't expect … you said you were working this weekend.”

“I wanted to surprise you,” he said, setting the flowers down on the coffee table. He put his arms around her then, and she prayed that he wouldn't sense any resistance. She hadn't seen him since things had changed with Cal, and she was desperately afraid that he might sense it. But she was sure he didn't when he kissed her. “Happy Valentine's Day, Merrie,” he said happily, pleased with what he'd accomplished. It had been obvious from her expression that she didn't expect him, and her mind was racing.

“What a great surprise!” she said valiantly, and he didn't tell her it had been Anna's suggestion.

“I figured it was easier for me to come out than to get you away from your work here. You'd better be free this weekend. I want to take you out to dinner tomorrow.” So did Cal, she thought almost the moment he said it. But that was impossible now. She had to spend Valentine's Day with her husband. As long as he had gone to the trouble to come out, she knew she had to spend every moment with him. And it seemed like something of a mixed blessing to her. “So what'll we do tonight?” he beamed at her. He knew what was at top of his list, but after that, he was thinking of taking her to dinner or a movie.

“I don't know. Why don't we just stay here?” She felt completely disoriented, and for some odd reason, she felt as though she were entertaining a stranger. Having slept with Cal, she felt as though her whole life was out of balance.

“I can cook if you want,” Steve offered, “or we can order a pizza.”

“Sure, sweetheart,” she said amiably, “whatever you want. You must be exhausted.” At least she hoped so, but he looked surprisingly refreshed, despite the time difference and the endless string of days he'd been working.

“I slept on the plane, I feel great actually.” He put his arms around her again then, “I've really missed you.” They hadn't seen each other in five weeks, and for three weeks she had allowed herself the delusion that he no longer existed. But he was all too real now.

“I've missed you too,” she lied, feeling flustered and awkward as she moved his flowers to the dining room table, and thanked him. But as he watched her, he didn't know why, but he sensed that something was different between them. Maybe it was the surprise, and she hadn't had time to absorb it.

“How was your week?” he asked casually.

“Okay.”

“It sounds like you've been working day and night since Hawaii.” He'd called her, but she had hardly ever answered, and she'd only spoken to him from the office, because Cal had been there every evening.

“I've been pretty busy,” she said vaguely.

“Why don't I take a shower, and we can relax for a while,” he said with a smile. She knew what that meant. Sometimes when they'd been apart for awhile, making love got them back on track and comfortable with each other again, but this time, at the thought of it, she felt panicked.

“I'd love that, but I've got one bit of bad news.” She actually blushed as she said it, for a variety of reasons.

“What's that?” He looked momentarily worried.

“It's the wrong time of the month for hot romance….” She tried to let him come to his own conclusions.

“You've got your period?” She nodded. It wasn't true, but she suddenly realized that she didn't want to deal with the physical aspects of her double life, and their complicated situation. She hadn't had time to prepare herself for what it would mean when she next saw him. “That's no big deal,” he smiled at her. “It never used to bother us when we were in college, did it?” She looked stunned and felt trapped when he said it. “If we're going to live on separate coasts, we're going to have to take what comes, if you'll pardon the pun, when we do see each other.”

“Thank you,” she whispered, as he disappeared into the bedroom to undress and take a shower. And when she heard the water running, she reached for the phone and dialed Cal. He answered on the second ring, and was happy to hear her voice.

“When are you coming over? I bought a couple of steaks, and a nice bottle of wine.”

“I can't come,” she said quickly.

“Why not? Is something wrong?” He could hear the strain in her voice, and although she didn't need to, she was almost speaking in a whisper.

“Steve is here. He surprised me.” There was a long pause, and a painful silence.

“I see … well, that's interesting. To what do we owe the pleasure … no, let me guess. He came out for Valentine's Day, for a little romance.” Cal sounded cynical to cover his hurt as he said it. But it was the price he had to pay for having an affair with a married woman.

“I guess so. I don't know, Cal.” Now she was lying to him too. The dream was slowly turning into a nightmare, but they had known it would. They had been kidding themselves for the past few weeks, but now the truth was staring them both in the face. The only one who didn't know what was happening was Steven. “I can't see you tomorrow,” she said sadly.

“Obviously.” And then he seemed to recover. “It's all right, Merrie. I understand.” They had put off having any discussion about their future because they realized that until Steve appeared they could live the fantasy. But now he was here and they had to face the truth and all its implications. “We'll have dinner next week and talk about it. I'll see you on Monday. I assume he's going back Sunday night on the red-eye.” In spite of himself, he sounded hopeful.

“He hasn't said yet.” The water had stopped running and she knew she had to get off. The entire situation was making her extremely nervous. “I'll call you when I can.”

“Don't worry about it. I'll spend a quiet weekend with the kids. Just remember one thing.”

“What's that?” she whispered.

“I love you.” As she listened, she realized that he was more than she deserved. They both were. She felt guilty about both of them. They were good men, and she loved them. But giving each of them half of her heart was less than either of them deserved and it was driving her crazy.

“Me too,” she said as Steve wandered into the living room wrapped in a towel, still dripping water. “Have a nice weekend,” she said and hung up, as Steve looked at her with a smile.

“Who was that?”

“My secretary … Joan … I needed her to do some work this weekend.” The lies were endless, and Meredith hated herself for them. But there was no way she could be honest with him. What was she supposed to say? That it was Cal, and that she had just told him she loved him?

“You all work too hard,” Steve announced as he walked into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. He liked beer, and she had none. All she had was some white wine Cal had left there. “You're out of beer,” Steve said, looked at the wine and raised an eyebrow. “You're drinking mighty expensive stuff these days. You never drink wine when you're alone,” he said, but it was more a question than an accusation.

“I had some people over. The Japanese people last weekend.”

“Too bad you didn't buy sake for them. I like that better. We can go buy some beer later.”

“I wasn't expecting you, so I didn't buy it.”

“No prob,” he said with a boyish grin. He seemed like a big kid now, compared to Cal's sophistication. It was odd to realize that she was more comfortable now with her lover than her husband. The last four months had not been kind to them. “Why don't we hop into bed for a while?” he suggested with a look of mischief, as he took her by the hand and pulled her into the bedroom. She was still wearing the navy blue suit she'd worn to work, with a gold necklace and a pair of pearl earrings. She looked businesslike and cool, and the last thing on her mind was sex or romance. But there was absolutely no way she could refuse him. She had already tried time of the month, and he hadn't bought it. And in the days before Cal, she would have been anxious to sleep with him after all the time they hadn't seen each other. They had always had an active sex life.

She took off her suit, draped it over a chair, kicked off her shoes, took off her jewelry, and pantyhose, and a minute later, she slipped into bed in her underwear, after a quick stop in the bathroom. She felt like one of those legendary brides who lock themselves in the bathroom and refuse to come out, but if she had done that, he would have thought she was crazy.

And for a minute, he just lay there and held her, but she could feel how much he wanted her, and suddenly all her feelings for him came rushing back, not in the form of passion, but of pity.

“What's wrong, sweetheart?” He knew her too well, and he was shocked to feel that she was shaking.

There were tears in her eyes when she answered. She had been so unfair to him. She had made a mess of everything, and she couldn't even tell him about it. It would only have hurt him. She wasn't sure what she wanted to say to him. What could she say? That she was having an affair and in love with another man? It would have been so cruel to tell him. “I don't know,” she struggled to explain, without actually saying anything too damning to him. “It's hard not seeing each other for so long, and then coming together like this … it feels strange, doesn't it?”

“Not to me,” he said in a gentle tone, his voice husky with desire for her, “but women are different.” Yes, she thought to herself, as Cal had once said of Charlotte, they are fundamentally dishonest. She hated herself for what she was doing to him. And she thought she was no better than Charlotte.

“I'm sorry.” She clung to him like a lost child as he held her. He had been her friend, her comfort, her mentor, and now he felt like a stranger to her.

“Don't be sorry, Merrie. Just let me hold you.” He did for a long time, and eventually she relaxed, but when he tried to make love to her, she was so stiff and miserable that she wondered if she was becoming frigid. With him, at least. It had been a different story with Cal since Hawaii. “Maybe surprising you like this wasn't such a great idea,” he said finally. He didn't want to force her to make love with him, but he couldn't stand not having her either. He got out of bed and walked around the room, and then he saw the gold watch she had left on the table. “What's that?” he asked casually, as he picked it up. It was heavy and looked expensive.

“My watch,” she said, watching him.

“I can see that. Where'd you get it?”

“Bulgari. It was a Christmas present from Cal.” There was no point lying about that too. She had to be honest about something.

“That's quite a gift,” he said, looking unhappy about it. “It must have cost him a pretty penny.”

“He's very generous with his employees,” she said coolly, as Steve turned to look at her, his eyes filled with pain and questions.

“Do I need to ask you if you're more than that to him?” he asked, and as their eyes met, she shook her head slowly. She didn't want him to know, and she wasn't going to tell him. She was sure now. It would have been easier to shoot him than to tell him. And she had neither the desire, nor the courage.

“No, you don't. The watch doesn't mean anything.” He nodded, and set it back down on the table. And Cal's name never came up again for the rest of the weekend.

They went out for pizza that night, and hung around the apartment the next day. He took her out for hamburgers on Saturday night, which was his idea of a Valentine's Day celebration. And finally, on Saturday night, she made love with him. It had none of their old spark and flame, and he knew something was wrong afterward when he held her.

“This lifestyle of ours isn't doing us any good,” he said quietly. “We're going to have to do something about it one of these days. Things are going downhill fast, aren't they?” It was more a statement than a question.

“I know. We just have to be patient,” she said softly.

“It's taking too big a toll on us,” he said, as he went to help himself to a beer. They had bought a six-pack that morning. But what he didn't know was that the toll had already been taken. “I'll call around again, when I get home, and see what I can drum up. This can't go on forever.” She nodded and said nothing in answer, and she lay awake for hours that night as he slept next to her. She was aching to call Cal, but she didn't dare. If Steve had woken up and heard her, it would have been a disaster.

They sat around and read the paper together the next day, and he looked at listings for houses in Pacific Heights. He was upset that she hadn't found one yet, but she told him she had been too busy.

“I guess we both have,” he said, and told her that they had to fly back and forth more. The awkwardness they'd experienced this time had truly upset him.

He didn't attempt to make love to her again. The night before hadn't been much of a success for either of them. She had been in tears by the time it was over. They had a late dinner at the airport before he left, and she stood watching his plane after he got on the red-eye. He had kissed her before he boarded, and she had held him tightly as they stood there. She felt as though she would lose him forever if he left again, and she wanted to beg him to stay, but the words wouldn't come, and she knew he couldn't stay anyway. He had to go back to New York and his job there.

As the plane headed toward the runway, she turned and walked away, and she cried all the way back to her apartment. It had been a ghastly weekend. And when the phone rang, when she got home, she thought it was Cal, and picked it up. But it was Steve from the plane.

“Just remember one thing, Merrie,” he said.

“What's that?” The words had a familiar echo to them.

“How much I love you.” It was exactly what Cal had said the last time she talked to him on Friday.

“I love you too,” she said in a choked voice. “I'm sorry it was such a lousy weekend.” She owed him so much more than that, but it had all been too much for her, and she didn't know what she was going to do about Cal now.

“It wasn't that bad. It takes a little readjusting when we get back together. I'll try and come back in two weeks, if I can. And why don't you try and come home next weekend? We'll get back on track, sweetheart. And if I don't find a job soon, I'll come out and drive a cab if I have to.”

“I wouldn't let you do that,” she said sadly.

“Let's see what happens when Lucas gets back. That's only two more weeks. Maybe I'll just pack up and come out there.” The words sounded like a death knell to her. She would either have to face the music with him, or end it with Cal, and the prospect of doing either was terrifying.

“I love you, Steve,” she said, and meant it this time. She was utterly miserable, and more confused than she'd ever been. And what's more, she knew she deserved to be.

“I love you too, babe,” he said before he hung up. And she sat crying for a while, not sure what to do now.

The next call, an hour later, was from Cal. He sounded a mess, and confessed that it had been a nightmarish weekend for him. He had been going insane thinking about her. He didn't want to tell her how jealous he had been, imagining her in bed with Steve. All he wanted now was to see her.

“Can I come over?” he asked, and she wanted to tell him he couldn't, but she felt the same pull toward him she always did. It was driven more by chemistry than by reason.

“I'm a mess,” she warned. “This has been the worst weekend of my life.”

“Mine too. Let's try and get over it together.” She had no idea what she was going to do when she saw him again, or how she'd feel when she did. But the moment she opened the door to him, she knew. She fell into his arms and dissolved into sobs, clinging to him. And all he could do was kiss her and hold her, and within minutes they were in the bed she had shared with Steve the night before. But she couldn't even think of that now. All she wanted was Cal, as badly as he wanted her, and he took her with all the strength and power of the passion they shared, and they lay together in each other's arms, clinging to each other like two lost souls until morning.

Chapter 16

SO HOW WAS it?” Anna asked Steve on Monday morning when he got in. He had taken a cab from the airport to the hospital, and he looked tired and drawn and, as usual, his clothes were wrinkled.

“How was it?” He looked at her blankly for an instant. “It stank, if you want me to be honest. I don't know what's wrong, but I'd say just about everything is. She acted as though I were a stranger. And when she wasn't refusing to make love with me, she was crying. I had a really fantastic weekend. Thanks for asking.” He looked and sounded exhausted.

“Shit.” Anna looked sorry for him, and wondered if she had made the wrong suggestion when she told him to go out there and surprise her. “What do you think is happening with her?” Anna was intrigued by what he was describing.

“Honestly? I don't know. I think she's working too hard. And maybe she's just getting weird living alone. What do I know?”

There was a question on the tip of Anna's tongue, but she was afraid to ask him. She liked him too much to want to hurt him. But he could see that she had something on her mind, as he poured himself a styrofoam cup full of black coffee.

“What are you not saying to me?” They had come to know each other well in the two months they'd worked together.

“It's probably a really dumb question. I was going to ask if you think she's seeing someone. Maybe she's freaked out about it, and feels guilty.”

“Meredith?” He looked amused. “No way. We've never cheated on each other. I trust her completely. I think our being apart is turning her frigid and neurotic. It's a great combination.”

“Maybe she needs therapy,” Anna said practically.

“Maybe she needs me. And I'm stuck here, working my ass off, with no job to go to in California. It's a real shit situation.”

“No one said it was going to be easy.”

“Thank you, doctor, for the five-cent psychiatry. Now, tell me what happened here this weekend.” He looked grim as they sat down in his office and got down to business.

“Two brain surgeries, a compound fracture of a femur, three head-ons involving a total of thirteen people, and four shootings, two fatalities as a result, the others all went home the next day. And that's about it. Oh, and two sprained ankles.” She reeled them off like three BLTs and two salamis.

“Jesus, are you kidding?”

“Nope. We had a busy weekend. Sounds like more fun than yours though.”

“You're right on that score.” But he felt better that he was back at work now. In some ways, this was saner, and he understood it better. Here at least, he could make a difference.

Anna showed him the charts, and reviewed all her cases with him, and he was impressed by everything she'd done, and grateful for her shoulder to cry on about his lost weekend.

They worked together all afternoon, and did surgery together that night, and on Tuesday morning she went home to her daughter. He was going off duty that night, and the chief resident was taking over for him.

“Do you want to come by for macaroni and cheese and hot dogs?”

“Now there's a memorable combination. How about if I bring some steaks for you and Felicia?”

“We don't need charity, Steve,” she said, looking insulted. “If you want what's on the menu, come. If you want something fancier, go to a restaurant.” She had a lot of pride and a lot of heart, and more balls than most men he knew, and he liked that about her. She wasn't embarrassed about being poor, and she didn't want handouts from anyone.

“I didn't mean to insult your cooking. I love macaroni and cheese,” he said with a look of admiration for her. “What time can I come by?”

“Come whenever you get off work. You can take a shower at my place, if you want, or you can just sit around looking a mess if that feels better. It's strictly come as you are.” He also loved that about her. She didn't put on airs, or expect them from him. She was an honest, straightforward person.

“I'll see you around seven. Can I bring some beer, or will you kick my ass over that too? I just don't happen to love orange juice,” which was all she had had the last time.

“Okay, you can bring beer. But no wine or champagne.” She knew how wealthy he was, because of his wife, and she didn't want to share the wealth with him. In fact, she was uptight about it.

“Do you mind if I come in my limo?”

“Whatever turns you on. Come in your jet plane, if you want.” She was smiling at him, and he knew she had forgiven him for offering to bring steaks. She was a porcupine sometimes, but her inside was pure marsh-mallow.

“Can I land my helicopter on the roof?”

“Oh go fuck yourself, and go back to work,” she growled at him, and went home to Felicia.

And that night, he showed up at her apartment on the West Side at six thirty. The resident had come early for a change, and Steve had used the opportunity to leave while he could, before any new patients came in and he'd wind up staying.

When Anna opened the door for him, she was wearing jeans and a white angora sweater. She looked pretty and soft, and the body that disappeared in scrubs was very much in evidence in the angora. Her jeans looked like they were wallpapered to her, and the sweater was molded to her breasts in a way that was very distracting. Her hair was down, and she was wearing a pair of comfortable old slippers. And Felicia was hopping around the room in a pair of clean pink flannel pajamas. And for once the cockroaches had disappeared. The landlord had “exterminated” them a few days before, which Anna claimed usually lasted about ten minutes.

But in spite of the simple fare, the dinner she made for him was delicious. The macaroni and cheese was good, the hot dogs were huge, and she had made corn-bread. He had brought two six-packs of beer, so he could leave one for her, and a chocolate cake that had looked good to him at the deli.

“You don't have to eat it,” he teased, “if you feel like I'm buying you.”

“I will!” Felicia chimed in.

“I'll help you,” Steve said, helping her to a big piece, as Anna grinned at him. He was always nice to her daughter, and she was sorry for him that he didn't have his own children. She wondered about Meredith sometimes, what kind of woman she really was. She had the feeling at times that Steve had a lot of illusions about her.

Steve gave Anna a piece of the chocolate cake, too, and they all agreed it was delicious.

At eight o'clock Anna put Felicia to bed, and Steve volunteered to read her a story, while Anna did the dishes. And by the time she was through, Felicia was sound asleep, and Steve had come back to the tiny kitchen.

“What did you read her?” Anna asked with curiosity. Felicia had a number of favorites.

“One of my medical textbooks. I figured you'd want me to influence her early.”

“Very funny,” she said, as she dried her hands on a clean towel. Everything in the apartment was threadbare, but spotless. She was immaculate, and had managed to turn the place into a cozy home for them, which had been a real challenge. The paint was peeling off the walls, and the rooms were small, and they looked out on another ugly building. It seemed light-years away from his apartment, but Anna had never seen it.

He handed her another beer, and they sat down on the couch, talking and drinking. They talked about the hospital, as they always did, and then they talked about Puerto Rico, and she admitted that she missed it.

“I miss my family, my friends. I miss a lot of things.” And she talked about her dreams then. She still wanted to go to a Third World country one day, and help people who were in greater need than the kids in the gangs they saw constantly in the trauma unit. “Maybe someday,” she said, as she set the bottle of beer down on her coffee table.

“All I want to do is to get to California one of these days,” he said, “that's about as Third World as it gets for me. You're a lot braver than I am.”

“I'mjust not as spoiled,” she teased him. She always insisted that she didn't care about material things, but like everyone else, she did, to some extent, just not as much as some of the people they knew, or even himself, or Merrie. Sometimes she tried to make him feel guilty, but he didn't.

“You're so damn politically correct, you make me sick sometimes,” he said, with a grin. He felt relaxed with her, and very happy. The sting of the disastrous weekend in California had begun to dim for him. And he was beginning to think that maybe it hadn't been quite as awful as he first thought it. But for once, he didn't discuss Meredith with her. They just talked about themselves. She talked about Yale, and about her dreams for Felicia.

“I want her to be a lawyer. They make more money than we do.”

“My garbage man makes more money than we do. And by the way, I thought you disapproved of making too much money.”

“Not for my daughter,” she smiled with good humor. She was a good mother, and a good person, and Steve liked her. Besides, she was beautiful and sexy and easy to be with.

“So how come you don't have a boyfriend?” he asked her after a while, and she smiled at him. They had a way of putting each other on the spot and asking tough questions. But they both gave each other honest answers.

“I don't have time. I work too hard. Besides, I haven't met anyone I cared about in years. All the guys I meet are gay, assholes, or married.”

“That sounds appealing,” he said, relaxing on her couch. “What's wrong with gay guys?” he teased her.

“I hate sharing my clothes with the guys I go out with. They usually look better in them than I do.”

“That wouldn't be easy.” He paid her a backhanded compliment and she smiled. She enjoyed being with him. “Well, that takes care of the gay guys. And I guess assholes are a little tough, but interesting sometimes. They have a certain charm, you'll have to admit. What about married?”

“I don't like the odds,” she said simply. “I don't play games I can't win anymore. I learned that lesson early.” The odds had been stacked against her with Felicia's father. His family had won on that one.

“That's sensible,” Steve said matter-of-factly. “I've never fooled around myself actually. It never seemed fair to Merrie. Besides, I've never found anyone I like better.”

“Even now that she's not here?” Anna's eyes bored into his with her pointed questions. And he tried not to look at her breasts in her sweater. “You're a pretty straight guy if you can be faithful to a woman you see once or twice a month, sometimes less. That's impressive.”

“Just stupid, I guess.” He was a nice guy, and she knew it.

“What if you knew she weren't being faithful to you, Steve?”

“That couldn't happen. I know her. All she thinks about is her work anyway. She lives, sleeps, eats, breathes it.”

“That's not too sexy,” Anna said bluntly.

“Not lately.” He was honest with her. And there was something sad in his eyes as he said it. He didn't think Meredith was cheating on him, but he did think they were losing ground somehow, losing touch, and worse yet, losing each other. He had felt it clearly the previous weekend in California.

“You love her a lot, don't you?” He nodded, but there was more there, and feeling her probing eyes on him, he dug deeper.

“I love her. But I have to admit something has changed since she left. Sometimes it feels like we're not married anymore, and we're just dating … or just friends … or something. Living this far apart, when we see each other now, it's like I can't reach her. It's a lousy feeling.”

“It must be.” Anna had her own theories about it, but she didn't want to hurt him, so she didn't share them with him. But she knew women better than he did. She had also begun to think that he might never move to California. It just wasn't happening, and his wife didn't seem too anxious for him to be there. But she didn't say that to him either. Besides, he loved the trauma unit, and she couldn't see him leaving. “It's funny how people drift apart. I was in love with a guy once, and he moved away. I obsessed about him for a year. He was all I could think of. And when I saw him again, he was like a different person. I had this fantasy of him that had nothing to do with reality. He was actually kind of an asshole,” she admitted and he smiled at her.

“At least he wasn't gay or married. There must be some other guys out there, Anna, single ones. Maybe you're just not trying.”

“They're not out there, believe me. And it's too much trouble to find them.”

“That's the real problem. You're lazy.” She was anything but at the hospital. But he suspected she was too scared to get involved with anyone. She had old wounds and old scars to protect. She was hiding.

They sat and talked for a long time, and at ten o'clock she yawned, and he looked at his watch. “I should go,” he said, but he hated going back to his empty apartment, and she was nice to talk to.

“You don't have to. I don't usually go to bed till midnight.”

“What do you do all alone here?”

“Read mostly.”

“That sounds lonely,” he said softly. They were both lonely, in a city full of people.

“It is sometimes, but I don't mind it. Lonely is good sometimes. It makes you think, and know things you might not otherwise. I'm not afraid to be lonely,” she said bravely.

“I am sometimes,” he said honestly. “My life was so much better when my wife was here. Now I have nothing to go home to. You have Felicia.”

“That's true,” she nodded, as he looked at her, and almost instinctively he touched her cheek, and was surprised by how silky it felt. She was extraordinarily appealing, and very sexy. And she hadn't pulled away when he touched her, which surprised him. It made him feel bolder, and he pulled her gently toward him and kissed her. And she didn't stop him.

“Am I doing something stupid here?” he asked her in a whisper. “I'm not gay, but I am married, and I could turn out to be an asshole.”

“I don't think so,” she whispered back. “I know the deal here … and the ground rules.”

“What are they?” He was startled at how open she was to him. They were two lonely, hungry people, and there was an almost irresistible meal on the table. It was hard for either of them to refuse it. And they felt safe with each other.

“The ground rules are that you love your wife, and you may wind up in California,” she said simply.

“Not may, will.” He didn't want to mislead her.

“I get it,” she said simply, and slipped a hand under his sweater. He was wearing his scrub pants, and she gently untied them. “Do you want to stay here tonight?” she asked and he nodded, and then kissed her, harder this time. Everything about her made him want her. It was all so different than it had been for him over the weekend. This was sweet and pure and simple and honest, and as he touched her, he could feel her longing and her passion. She had no illusions about him, wanted no promises from him. Whatever she did want from him was there for the taking. “Let's go to my bedroom.” Cheating on Meredith was something he had never done before, and yet with Anna, it seemed fair, and he wanted her very badly.

He followed her to a room the size of a closet. It was barely bigger than the bed, and there was a single light, next to the bed. She turned it on for a minute so they could get their bearings, and then turned it off and locked the door. He undressed her in the dark, and lay on the bed with her, and he could feel and sense her more than see her. But there was just enough light from the street lamp for him to see the silhouette of her beauty.

There were no words between them, no promises, no lies, only the sheer raw desire they had for each other, and as he took her, she moaned and moved and aroused him unbelievably. He felt completely overcome with passion. Being with her was like being exploded from a cannon, and when he lay spent in her arms afterward, they said nothing for a long time, and then she gently stroked his hair, like a child, and held him close to her. It was the happiest he had been in a long time, longer than he could remember.

“I don't want to hurt you, Anna,” he said sadly. “This could have a lousy ending for us.” It was almost sure to.

“So can life. It's good for now. If you can live with it, I can.” She wanted so little from him, wanted to take nothing from him, and all she had to give him was in his arms at that moment, but it was a lot more than his wife was willing to give him. “Just tell me when it's over, or you want out. You don't have to slam the door. You can close it softly.” But there were no doors he wanted to close now. He was still opening them, and as he explored her again with his hands and his tongue, she did the same to him, and what she gave him was a night he would long remember.

Chapter 17

MEREDITH DIDN'T SEE Steve for the next month, after the fiasco of the Valentine's Day weekend. She and Callan had to go to Tokyo and Singapore, and Steve could never seem to leave the hospital. They seemed to be drifting apart more each day, and they spoke on the phone less and less often.

She had been gone for five months, and romantically involved with Cal for nearly two, and she felt more a part of his life than Steve's now. They were with each other constantly, at work, at home, in her apartment at night, with his children on the weekend. And Andy finally looked at her curiously in mid-March, and asked her a question which shook her.

“Is your husband really going to move out here?” He wasn't being rude to her, but he wondered.

“I don't know, Andy,” she said honestly. It didn't look like it, and she wasn't sure she wanted him to. And a week later, Andy asked his father if Merrie was his girlfriend.

“We're just friends,” Cal explained, and Mary Ellen raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. They were fooling no one but themselves. But Steve was also no longer talking about the jobs he wasn't getting. In fact, he hadn't even complained about her not coming back to New York for weekends. It would have concerned her if she'd thought about it, but she was trying not to. And Cal asked her no questions. All he wanted was time with her, and he figured they would come to a decision later. He wasn't ready to make a commitment to her anyway. In some ways, this was perfect for both of them. And if Meredith had called Steve at home sometimes, she would have realized he was no longer sleeping in the apartment. She just assumed he was staying at the trauma unit. And she was relieved she didn't have to talk to him.

Harvey Lucas had been back at work for two weeks by then, but Steve had said nothing more about leaving. And he had asked Harvey to consider hiring Anna permanently. And after working with her for two weeks, Harvey agreed that she was terrific. They were trying to keep her for the moment, even on a temporary basis.

But when Meredith came back from Singapore, Steve said he wanted to see her. He had thought about it a lot lately and he was worried about what they were doing.

This time, he asked her before he came out. He didn't want to surprise her. She sounded hesitant at first, but she had no grounds to refuse him. She hadn't seen him in a month, and she knew that she couldn't avoid him forever.

“What are you going to say to him?” Cal asked this time. “Are you going to tell him?” He half wanted her to, and half didn't.

“Tell him what?” she asked honestly. “That I'm having an affair? That our marriage is over?” She didn't know what to say to him, or even what to think herself yet.

“That's up to you, Merrie.”

“Where do we stand, Cal?”

“Does it make a difference?”

“It might,” she answered.

“I think you have to make your own decision on this one. I don't want to be responsible for breaking up your marriage.” That said a lot to her. It told her he was a decent person, but also that he was as confused as she was. The one thing he knew was that he didn't like the idea of her spending the weekend with Steve, though he said nothing about it when she told him. He didn't want to put any pressure on her, and make the situation harder for her.

And when Meredith saw Steve, she was more confused than ever. There was something so comfortable and familiar about him. But this time, when he said he wanted to make love to her, she said she wanted to talk first. They sat down on the couch, and she still had no idea what she would tell him. The one thing she knew was that she didn't want to hurt him.

“I've made a decision, Meredith,” Steve said, and she braced herself for what was coming. She thought he was going to ask her for a divorce, and she didn't really blame him. She wasn't even sure what she would say when he said it. But he surprised her. “I don't think we have a lot of time left,” he said carefully. “If we wait a few more months, living like this, I think it's going to be over between us. We've drifted apart, Merrie,” he said gently. “I think we both know it.” She nodded, and didn't deny it, and wondered if he would ask her why, but he didn't. It occurred to her that maybe he knew, and didn't want to hear the words from her. But she said nothing as she listened. “I'm going to leave the hospital in New York. I talked to a hospital here, in the city. It's small but respectable, and they have a decent ER. It's nothing much, but they have a part-time job available. They get pretty run-of-the-mill stuff, fractures, bellyaches, crying babies with earaches. I can live with it for a while, if I have to. If I wait for the perfect job, we'll be finished by the time I get it. So, I'm going to give notice when I go back, and get my ass out here.” She was stunned by what he was saying, but she knew as well as he did, that if they were going to save their marriage, he had to do it.

“When would you come out?” she asked, without committing herself one way or the other. Her mind was racing as she asked him. Steve's announcement meant that she had to end the affair with Cal, and she didn't feel ready to do that, but knew she had to. “In two weeks,” Steve explained. “Harvey is back, and they have Anna to replace me.” He hadn't even told Anna yet. He wanted to talk to Meredith first, but he had a feeling Anna sensed it. It had gotten too good between them in the last month, and it was dangerous. He wanted to bail out now before he really hurt her. He had been more or less living with her for four weeks now, and he knew that if he wasn't prepared to make a commitment to her eventually, it would be bad for her, and Felicia. And he cared about them both too much to do that to them. According to her categories, he was married, and he was about to become an asshole.

Meredith was looking shocked by what he had just told her. “Two weeks?” Her voice cracked as she said it. But she also knew that it was now or never. They both did. And for the same reasons, although neither of them knew what the other was up to.

“There's no point waiting, Merrie. The hospital here will take me then. Harvey will be okay without me. I think if we're going to do it at all, we'd better do it now. We'll have been apart for nearly six months when I get here. That's a hell of a long time. Too long in my book.”

“I know,” she nodded. But all she could think of was Cal, and how she was going to tell him. And how much she would miss being with him.

“You don't look very happy, Merrie,” Steve said sadly. They had reached a hell of a rough spot in their marriage, and they both knew it. But he wanted to give it a try, before they blew it completely, and Meredith wasn't ready to let go of him either. “Think we can still make it?”

“I want to,” she said softly, and she did. She just didn't know if she could still do it. But she knew she had to try. Fifteen good years was too long to throw away, no matter how infatuated she was with Cal. She wondered if she'd have to quit when she told him. She had no way of gauging his reaction. And she realized she had to tell him now, before Steve gave notice. If she lost her job at Dow Tech, there was no point in Steve coming to California. She would go back to New York then.

“Let's do it, Merrie,” Steve said, and she nodded. She couldn't think of anything to say. She was overwhelmed with her own emotions.

They spent a quiet evening after that, talking about it, and he sensed something very different about her. She seemed so sad, and he sensed her sorrow and her loss, without understanding what it came from. Anna had told him a while back that she thought Meredith was involved with someone else, but Steve had told her, and believed, that it was unlikely. And he still believed that.

They didn't make love to celebrate. It didn't feel like a celebration to either of them, but it was an important decision. He went to the hospital in the city on Saturday, and when he left, she called Cal.

“I have to see you,” she said and wouldn't explain. She met him at his house ten minutes later.

“What's wrong?” He looked worried, with good reason. And she was quick and to the point when she told him.

“Steve's moving out in two weeks. He took a job at a small hospital, in an emergency room. He thinks that if he doesn't come now, it'll all be over between us, and he's right. I don't even feel married to him now. I feel married to you, Cal. But I don't think that's what you want. And I'm not sure I do either. I have to try this one last time. And if it doesn't work out, we can talk about us later, if you still want to. But right now, I owe it to him to see what we've still got. I don't think there's much left, but we have a lot of history between us. You and I have two months, and a very uncertain future.We've always known that eventually this would happen,” she said sadly. He had said not a word as she explained it all to him, but he looked devastated. Even though he had known this would come, he wasn't prepared for it. He didn't argue with her, or offer to marry her, or tell her he loved her. He didn't want to confuse or pressure her. He sat there stone-faced. But the problem was, after barely two months, he didn't know what he wanted either. He wanted her, but he didn't know under what conditions. And commitment was a big issue, and not one he was willing to undertake based on seven weeks of passion. He had been there. He should have been relieved that she was forcing him to make that decision. And yet as he listened to her he felt as though his world had ended. In fact, his world with her had.

“What I need to know from you,” she went on, “is what happens to my job now. Do you want me to leave? I don't want him to quit and move out, and then find out I'm being fired. If you want me to go, I'll resign now, and I'll just tell him I've decided to go back to New York with him. Cal, what do you want?” She said it as gently as she could. Her job was the least of their problems at the moment, and not what really concerned them.

“I want you to stay here as my CFO,” he said simply, in a voice that was raw with emotion. “I don't want to lose you.” He didn't want to lose what he had with her either, but he knew he was in no position to say that, and she wasn't offering to stay with him. She had made her decision. She had told him right from the beginning that she wouldn't give up her marriage and however little he liked it, he knew he had to respect that.

“Are you sure, Cal?” she asked gently. “This is going to be hard for both of us. This isn't going to be easy if you want me to continue working for you.”

“When is he coming out?”

“On April first, in two weeks.”

“I want to spend most of the month in Europe anyway, looking into new products. That'll give us a chance to adjust, and you to figure out what you're doing. He may not last that long out here.” He didn't mean to, but he sounded hopeful.

“He's tougher than that. I think he'll try to make it work here.” What she didn't know was if they could still salvage their marriage. “It sounds awful to say it to you, but I love you, Cal. Maybe more than I love him right now. But I need to figure out what's real. My marriage, or whatever it is I have with you. I don't think either of us even knows what that is.” He didn't argue with her, but as he listened to her, he looked angry. Callan Dow didn't like losing, and what he had said to her in the past two months was true. He loved her. But he had also known that she was married, and they couldn't avoid reality forever. And he was not prepared to offer her permanence or marriage.

“I'll leave for Europe before he gets here. And I don't want you to leave Dow Tech, Meredith. Please know that.”

“Thank you,” she said and stood up. There were tears in her eyes, but she didn't reach out to him, or cling to him. She looked at him for a long moment and walked to the door, and then his voice stopped her.

“When is he leaving this time?”

“Tomorrow morning,” she said without turning around. She already had her hand on the door, and she felt a tug at her heart when he asked the question. She still wanted to be with him, but she knew she couldn't. Not now. Not anymore. Not until she knew what would happen with Steve. Maybe never.

“I'll call you,” he said, and her heart leaped again, in spite of everything she had told him. She wanted to let go while they still could. If they could. But at least, they had to try it.

“I don't think you should,” she said softly. And he said nothing, as she closed the door softly behind her.

Steve was waiting for her when she got home, and he looked strained, but he told her he had settled everything at the hospital in the city. And for the rest of the day, they made plans and talked. But they never made love during the entire weekend. This was more business than romance. And he left on Sunday morning. He had a lot to do in New York now. And when he was gone, Meredith sat grimly in the apartment. She had to find a place in the city for them to live now, and she didn't want to do that either. She didn't want to do any of it. She didn't want to leave Cal. Didn't want to live with Steve. Didn't want anything except what she'd had for the past two months, but she knew she had to give that up now. She was still sitting there, thinking about Cal, when the doorbell rang on Sunday afternoon.

It was Cal, and he just stood there and looked at her, and without a word, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her. He looked as unhappy as she did. He had wanted to hate her for what she'd said, and planned to do so, but he couldn't. He wanted her too badly. And without saying a word, he pulled her toward her bedroom, and she followed.

“We have two weeks, Merrie,” was all he said. It was a death knell for them, more than a promise. But they couldn't stop now. Not until they had to.

They spent the afternoon in bed, storing up what they would no longer have soon. Two weeks. And then it would be over.

Chapter 18

WHEN STEVE FLEW back to New York, he called the hospital to see if Anna was at work that day. The nurse in charge checked the schedule and said she was off till Tuesday. He didn't have to be at work himself until Monday at noon, so he went to her apartment on Monday morning to see her. Conveniently, Felicia was at school, and he found Anna alone when he rang her doorbell. He had called before to say he was coming over, and she sounded pleased to hear him.

But as soon as she saw his face that day, she knew that something was brewing. He looked more serious than usual, and he seemed quiet when he sat down on the couch, while she made him a cup of coffee.

“Should I ask how it was?” she asked quietly. “Or should I mind my own business?” She wasn't sure what had happened out there, but she could see in his eyes that something was different. And he hadn't called her all weekend. She also knew he was due back on Sunday night, and he hadn't come over.

“It was all right,” he said, and took the mug of coffee from her and set it down on the table. “It wasn't as bad as last time. We did a lot of talking.”

“Good talk or bad talk?” she asked, watching him, trying to read his face, but he looked guarded. Their affair had been going on for four weeks, and although she knew him well, she also knew that there were times when he was very private. Particularly about Meredith, and the situation in California. She didn't want to pry, but she wanted to help him.

“Good talk, I guess,” he answered her, and then he took a breath, and dove into the deep water. He knew it would be hard to do, but there was no point stalling. More than anything, in spite of what he had to say, he didn't want to hurt her. “Anna.” Just the way he said the word, made the hair on the back of her neck stand up. She sensed more than she knew what was coming. “I'm moving out there.”

“That's not exactly news,” she said calmly. She was stalling for time, in order to maintain her composure.

“I mean now. Soon. In two weeks. I'm going to give notice.”

“Did you find a job?” In spite of herself, she looked startled. Her face had the look of an animal being hunted.

“More or less. I found something as low man in an ER. It's not great. But it'll do for now. You mean a lot to me,” he said carefully, choosing his words like diamonds, but he knew that whatever he said, he would wound her. It was why he wanted to end it now, instead of later. He had realized he was falling in love with her, and because of that he had decided to press Meredith about his moving out there. He knew that if he waited, the damage to Anna would be greater. And he wanted to stop it before he hurt her too badly to recover. “I've got to make the move now,” he said. “If I wait any longer, it'll be worse later when I do it. I don't want to fuck up your life any more than I have in the last four weeks. We're living a dream here. It's a dream I love. I want to be here with you, working with you, sleeping with you at night, playing with Felicia. But I can't. I'm married to Meredith, and we have fifteen years behind us. No matter how lousy the situation is for me right now, I've got to go out there and try and put it back together.”

“Is that what she wants?” Anna asked. Her arms were crossed and she seemed hunched over, as though her stomach hurt, or her heart, and Steve hated what he was doing to her.

“She agreed to it. I think she knows what I do, that if we wait, it'll be all over. This is the eleventh hour for us. We've either got to set it right, or give it up. And I don't want you to wait for me. You have to assume that I'm going to stay out there. You have to forget me.” He said it softly but firmly, and for an instant, she thought the words would kill her.

“That's not so easy,” she said as tears filled her eyes. “Forgetting you is a tall order. You're kind of an asshole at times, but I love you.”

“Just remember that I'm an asshole.”

“That shouldn't be hard,” she said, with her usual bravado, but he could see that he was killing her. And he didn't even want to think about Felicia. He had fallen in love with her too, she was the little girl he'd never had, and she deserved so much more than just Anna could give her. She needed a father. But he couldn't sign up for the job, he already had one, as Merrie's husband.

“I don't know what to say to you,” he said, choking on his own words. “I love you. I want to be with you. If I were free, and you were dumb enough to have me, I'd marry you. But I can't offer you anything this way. I'm cheating you, and myself, by staying here. I have a responsibility to Merrie.”

“She's a lucky woman,” Anna said hoarsely. And then, “What if it doesn't work out? Will you come back?”

“No,” he said, and the word sounded harsh even to him. He didn't want to leave her any hope. It wouldn't be fair. Because, with luck, he would stay with Merrie. And if he didn't, God only knew what would happen. “If it doesn't work out,” he said, convincing himself as much as her, “I'm going to do something very different. Maybe what you suggested, I might spend a couple of years running a clinic in an underdeveloped country. ‘‘

“You rich guys are lucky,” she said bitterly. “You can do whatever the hell you want, and you don't have to worry about feeding anyone, or paying the bills, or supporting your kids. You just pick up your feet and pack your bags, and go wherever the hell you want to.” He knew that she would have liked to do what he was talking about, probably more than he would. But he actually thought it would be a good idea for him, if his attempt to save his marriage failed. It was time for him to put something back into the world, instead of just patching up guys who shot each other.

“I'm not rich,” he reminded her. “My wife is. That's very different. And what she has is hers. I don't want anything from her, except kids one day. I'm stealing something from you, Anna, I have been for a month now. The chance to meet the right guy, someone who can marry you and take care of you and Felicia, and give you more kids.” He knew she wanted them, but could barely afford to support her daughter at the moment. “I don't have the right to take that from you. I'm giving that back to you now. I'm giving you back your life, and your freedom.”

“How noble,” she said sadly. “Do I get a voice in this?” she asked, slowly getting angry at him. What right did he have to make all the decisions, especially one that affected her so deeply? She loved him more than she had any man, and she had known the ground rules from the beginning. She just hadn't expected to fall in love with him to the extent she had, and so quickly. It made it harder to let go now.

“You don't have a choice here,” Steve said firmly. “You can hate me if you want, or decide never to speak to me again. But you can't affect my decision to go out there.”

“I wouldn't presume to,” she said bluntly. “Nor would I want to. You were always free to do what you wanted, and so was I. I knew what the deal was from the beginning. I just didn't think you'd go so soon. I figured it would take you months to find a job, or maybe longer. I didn't realize you'd be willing to go without one, or with a job that isn't worthy of you.” It made her realize again how desperate he was to save his marriage to Merrie, and Anna didn't think she was worth it. But the important thing was that Steve did. “Is there anything else you want to say to me?” she asked, standing up.

“Not really. Just that I love you, Anna. I want good things for you. I want you to have a happy life, without me.”

“I get that. I always got it. You don't owe me anything. I want you to know that. I never wanted anything from you, except some time. You were a warm blanket in the winter.”

“You were more than that to me. I want you to know that. I really love you.”

“So what? You're still going.” she said, as the tears swam in her eyes. “Felicia's father said he loved me too, but he didn't have the balls to stand up to his parents. Maybe you don't have the guts to face the fact that your marriage is already over.”

“I don't know that. That's why I'm going out there. And if it is, I'll have to face it.” She nodded and walked slowly to the door, and opened it. He wanted to hold her again, and kiss her, and make love to her one more time, but he loved her too much to do that to her, and he walked slowly to the door, watching her, as though to etch her in his memory forever. It would be tough working with her for the next two weeks, but at least he could see her.

He took a single step over the threshold, as she held the door, and with a last look at him, without saying another word to him, she closed it. He stood there for a long moment, wondering if she would open it again, and he could hear her crying softly just inside, but he didn't knock or ring the bell, or say anything, he just stood there. She never opened the door again, and after a few minutes, he walked slowly downstairs, thinking of what it had meant to him for four weeks to be there. It had been a home to him, a haven, and a refuge. And now he had cast her back into the world, and exiled himself to a life he was unsure of in California.

He went to the hospital from there, and he spent an hour with Harvey Lucas, and told him he was leaving. Harvey was disappointed, but he understood. He told Steve he was grateful that he had stayed after his accident. But he knew that Steve wanted to be with Merrie. He was sorry about the job Steve had taken in the ER, but he understood that too. If he wanted to stay married to her, he knew he had to be there.

“What did you do to Anna Gonzalez, by the way?” he asked Steve at the end of the meeting.

“Nothing. Why?” He felt awkward as he answered, and wondered if Harvey had heard about their affair. Steve and Anna had both been convinced that no one knew about it, and thought it was better that way.

“She called just before you came to work. She said that you'd been hard on her recently, over a difference of opinions, and she doesn't want to work on your shifts anymore. She asked me to change the schedule, and keep you away from each other. I get the feeling she doesn't even want to see you.” Steve felt it like a physical blow, as he listened to Harvey Lucas. He had been counting on at least seeing her every day until he left, and working with her. But she was right. She wanted a clean break, and he had to let her have it, if that was what she wanted. He wondered what she was going to say to Felicia, and what the child would think, maybe that all men deserted her and her mother. It wasn't a pretty picture. But neither was his desertion of them, and he knew that.

“I guess I've had my head up my ass, as usual,” he confessed to Harvey. “We had a couple of long days and rough nights, with no sleep, and I bitched at her. We had a disagreement about a diagnosis. She was right of course, and I apologized. But she's pretty tough herself. I guess she didn't forgive me. She's a hell of a good doctor, Harvey. You'll enjoy working with her.”

“I already do. I'm sad to lose you, Steve. And of course you just blew my shot at research all to hell. I'm never going to get out of here now. It'll take us two years to replace you.”

“That's bullshit, but I'm flattered. And I'm sorry about your research project.”

“So am I. If it doesn't work out in California, come back. I'll take you back in five minutes, and get my own ass out of here in five more. I'm burnt out here.”

“You love it, and you know it,” and then he said pensively, “I'm going to miss it.”

“No, you won't, unless you're bored to death putting ice packs on bruises. That could wear a little thin pretty quick. But you'll find something else. Keep me posted.”

“I promise.” And then, in as even a tone as he could produce, “Take good care of Anna. You'll be nicer to her than I was.” He wanted to cry as he said it.

“Godzilla would be nicer to her than you are when you've been on for four days and haven't slept in three. Christ, when you get like that, I even hate you.” They laughed and walked off to the operating room together. They both had surgeries scheduled that afternoon, and Steve wondered if he would ever see Anna again. He didn't think so. And he didn't.

For the next two weeks, he was at the hospital on a different schedule from hers, alternating days, and taking more time off than usual, so he could get organized, pack, and show their apartment. The realtor had a buyer for them at the end of the first week, at a lower price than they had wanted for it, but it was in the ballpark, and he and Meredith discussed it. In the end, she decided it was easier to sell it than to keep it empty or try to rent it. It was in escrow before he moved to California. And he had everything packed up and shipped to Palo Alto. He stayed at a hotel for the last three days, and on his last day at work, the nurses gave him a party. Anna wasn't there, as usual, and most of the nurses cried when he left. No one could imagine the trauma unit without him.

It was raining the day he left New York. He carried his medical bag, and one small suitcase. He had sent the rest with the movers. And as he boarded the plane, he realized that it was April Fool's. But all he could think about was seeing Merrie. He had missed Anna terribly the past two weeks, but he knew he had done the right thing, for her, as much as for him. If he had stayed, and continued the affair with her, it would have been worse for both of them in the end, and he knew that what he had said to her was true. She had a right to more than he could give her. He wanted her to find a great guy, neither married, nor an asshole. She deserved the best, he thought, as they circled slowly and flew west, and New York disappeared behind them.

Chapter 19

UNLIKE ANNA AND Steve in New York, Meredith and Cal spent every last moment they could together. There was a greater intensity than there had ever been between them before, and they spent their last weekend together at a small hotel in the Carmel Valley. They spent two days in bed, and went on long walks, held hands and kissed, and lay awake for hours, talking at night, after they made love, but there was no talk of the future. There was no future for them. There were only these final moments.

And on the day Steve was to arrive, Cal would be flying to London. The night before he left, he stayed at her apartment until after midnight. Even that would be gone soon. She had rented an apartment in the city, and was going to start commuting.

“I want to say I hope everything works out with Steve,” he said as he left her, “but I'd be lying to you. I don't want it to work, Merrie. I want you to come back to me. Call me in Europe and tell me what happens.”But the worst of it was, she could no longer imagine a life without him. The most confusing part of it for her was that she felt almost as though she and Cal were married, and she would be cheating on him with Steven. But the relationship she and Cal had shared was a fantasy, a delusion, a time warp. They were in love, but had no real commitment to each other. Her commitment was to Steve, and Cal knew it. And although Cal said he understood that, he was angry at her for letting Steve come out, and wanting to continue their marriage, and angry at himself for not having made a commitment to her. And they both knew it was too late now for him to do it. She had to see things through with Steven.

“I can't throw away fifteen years without giving him one last chance, Cal. I can't do that. I'd always wonder what would have happened.” Cal knew she was right, but in a way, he hated her for being so fair to her husband. But her sense of fair play was one of the things he had always liked about her.

“It's not going to work, and you know that,” Cal said bitterly. “It's over with him, Merrie. Face it.” But they were both having trouble facing the fact that she was going back to him, and for now at least, the affair with Cal was over. She was having withdrawal thinking about it. And Cal was distraught. And what's more, he didn't think Steve was right for her. “You two have nothing in common.”

“We had enough to keep us married for all these years,” she argued with him, but she was no longer convinced either.

“That was blind luck, and you know it. You've been on separate career paths for years. I'm not even sure he understands what you do, or cares, or knows how good you are at it. You're wasting yourself on him.” It was a plea for himself, but she knew she had to try anyway. She owed it to Steve as much as to herself, but rather than respect her for it, Cal was furious, and felt rejected. He looked like a wounded buck when he finally left her in the apartment. “Take care of yourself, Merrie,” he said sadly, and kissed her one last time before he left. She cried for hours after he was gone, and when Steve arrived the next day, she was still so upset she looked sick. She was deathly pale and her eyes were swollen.

“Are you sick?” Steve asked when he arrived, worried about her.

“It's a cold, or allergies or something.”

“You look awful, sweetheart.” He gave her some antihistamines, but she wouldn't take them. And within two hours, he had made a mess of everything, his clothes were all over the bedroom floor, his shaving gear was all over her sink, and he was cooking her dinner.

But nothing about his arrival felt like a celebration, and he was disappointed to hear she had rented an apartment for them in the city. He had wanted her to buy a house, or at least rent one. And the night he arrived, he started in on her about having children. It was part of his reunification plan. He thought it would strengthen the bond between them.

“This is no time to even think about that,” she snapped at him, wondering where Cal was then. By her calculation, he had just arrived in London. But they had promised not to call each other, and she was trying to stick by it, at least for the moment. Steve hadn't even been home for one night yet.

“This would be a perfect time to have a baby,” Steve insisted. “You're happy at work, I'm not going to be too busy for a while. If you don't feel great for the first few months, I'll be around to give you a hand. And if I stay in the ER, I could even help take care of the baby.”

“I don't want a baby. Ever. Can't you understand that?” she said miserably. She wasn't even sure she still wanted him, let alone a baby. “A baby will screw up my life, complicate everything. I don't want to feel sick for ‘a few months.’ I just don't want it.”

“When did you decide that? Permanently, I mean.”

“I don't know,” she said, looking tired. Her nerves were stretched beyond the breaking point. They were moving, he was home, and the affair with Cal was over. The last thing she wanted to add to her misery was a baby. “I don't think I ever wanted one. You just didn't want to listen.”

“That's nice to know now. When do we move?” he asked, changing the subject.

“Next weekend,” she answered, and jumped when the phone rang. It was some kid trying to sell them the newspaper they already subscribed to.

“Our things should be out from New York in a couple of weeks.” And he was starting the job in the ER the following Monday. Meredith felt as though there was chaos all around her.

It was a relief to go to work, and at least she didn't have to commute for the moment. She got faxes from Cal all week, about potential customers and research labs he was visiting in Europe. But all of the faxes were impersonal, and she was simply part of a distribution list. And he never called her.

By the end of the week, she was a wreck, and looked it. She looked less impeccable than usual, her nerves were frayed, and she felt as though Steve's mess had spread like a swamp through their apartment. She had forgotten what it was like living with him. It was like living in a college dorm, and she was constantly picking up socks and shirts and trousers strewn all over the living room, and his idea of dress shoes was a new pair of Nikes. And suddenly it all mattered to her. In her head, she compared everything to Cal, who looked immaculate and well dressed and perfectly pressed from the moment he got up in the morning. And everything he did and touched was as orderly as she was.

And predictably, their move that weekend was a nightmare. The new bed she had bought didn't arrive. And half of the plates she'd bought at Gump's were dropped by the movers and instantly broken. They had nowhere to sleep, nothing to sit on, and not enough to eat on.

“Come on, babe, take it easy. We'll manage till the stuff from New York comes. We'll eat on paper plates, and I'll buy a futon.” It was not the way she wanted to start her days before undertaking a commute to Palo Alto. She was already depressed at the prospect of spending an hour and a half in traffic before she got there. And on Sunday night, as they sat on the floor, eating pizza with their hands, she found herself missing Cal's children. But she said none of it to Steve. There was no way she could explain to him what she was feeling.

And tensions only got worse when he started his new job. As it turned out, they had lied to him. He was the lowest man in the ER and they were using him like a paramedic. Even the nurses had more responsibility than he did. They were having him do intakes, and all he did for the first two weeks was shuffle papers. He hated it more than he said, and when she came home at night, exhausted from work and the commute, he was sitting in front of the TV he'd bought, with an empty six-pack. And he was too depressed to even offer to cook dinner. They were living on Chinese takeout, burritos, and pizza.

“This is the shits,” she finally said one night, after he'd had a particularly bad day at work, with absolutely nothing to do except baby-sit a four-year-old whose mother was having a baby. “You hate your job. I hate the commute.”

“And we're starting to hate each other,” he finished for her.

“I didn't say that.”

“No, but it's written all over you. You're pissed off when you come home every night, and you take it out on me. What's happened to you?” But she couldn't tell him what had happened. The truth was that she was missing Cal, and the adjustment to living with Steve again had been harder than she'd ever dreamed it could be. Five and a half months of living alone, and two and a half of it with Cal had somehow changed her. She didn't feel like the same person she had been when they lived in New York together. And now everything about Steve grated on her.

“I just hate camping out and sleeping on the floor,” she admitted, “and the commute to Palo Alto every morning.”

“And I hate my job and this apartment,” he added. “The question is, what do we like about each other? There used to be a lot of things I liked about you, Merrie. Your brains, your looks, your patience, your sense of humor. You're so damned unhappy these days, you just ooze poison.” It was true, and she felt guilty as soon as he said it.

“I'm sorry, Steve. It'll get better, I promise.”

But the problem was, it didn't. And when Cal got back from Europe after four weeks, it got worse again. He treated her like an enemy and a stranger. It was as though in the past four weeks, he had closed the door on her forever. She had hoped they could be friends, the way they had been in the beginning. But she realized now that too much had happened between them. Too much love and hope and loss and disappointment. And Cal was obviously angry at her for the way it had ended. For him, disappointment had turned to fury. And he had spent the four weeks in Europe seething about it. It was almost a relief to him to take it out on her every day. He seemed to enjoy it. He picked on her constantly, asked for reports and projections ten times a day, and quarreled with all of her conclusions and opinions. They almost had an open fight in one of the board meetings, which had never happened to them before, and she gave him hell about it later, and felt like a shrew when she said it.

“I don't give a damn if you disagree with me, Cal. You can discuss it with me privately, you don't have to humiliate me in public.”

“You're overreacting, Meredith,” he said curtly, and stormed out of her office. But so was he. That much was obvious to everyone. Their colleagues didn't know why, but they were beginning to wonder if he was going to fire her, and so was she. He seemed to have a vendetta against her. The real vendetta he had was with himself for not asking her to marry him earlier, but he had been too afraid of commitment to do that, and so grateful to just let the affair roll along. He doubted now if it would have changed anything for her because of her loyalty to Steve, but he wondered if he would have felt better. And more than anything, he hated losing.

“You look like you're in a great mood,” Steve commented to her sarcastically when she got home that night, and it was just one straw too many on the proverbial camel's back, and the dam broke before she put down her briefcase.

“Actually, I'm not,” she said nastily. “I had a fucking awful day today. I hate my life. And I had a flat tire on the goddamn freeway. How was your day?”

“Better than that. But not much. I treated hemorrhoids today, took a wad of gum out of a kid's ear, and put a splint on a broken finger. I figure I might get the Nobel Prize for it.” He was on his fifth beer, and their furniture had been delayed for the last two weeks by flash floods in Oklahoma.

“Why don't we move to a hotel till it arrives?” she suggested when Steve told her.

“Because that makes us spoiled brats, if we can't sleep on the floor for a few weeks. You know, there was life before beds and couches.”

“I'm tired of camping out here.” She just wasn't in the mood to do it. Not with him, or anyone else for that matter. And she was furious with Cal for the way he was behaving. He was being petulant and childish, and he was making life miserable for her at the office. There was no place in her life that was going smoothly at the moment.

“I'm tired of your attitude,” Steve looked back at her, and she looked at him with total frustration.

“I'm sorry, Steve. I just can't do better than this right now. I'm trying. But it's tough. That damned commute is going to kill me. Why don't we look at houses in Palo Alto?”

“Because the whole fucking world does not revolve around your job, Meredith. If I ever get a decent job here, I need to be close to the hospital. I can't travel an hour in traffic to get to my patients.”

“I'd say a kid with a wad of gum in his ear could wait a day or two for you to get there.” It was a put-down that was uncharacteristic of her, and a few minutes later, Steve stormed out of the apartment, and when he came back he was drunk, on more than just beer. He had had three tequilas, and a brandy chaser. But she didn't say a word to him. She was lying on the futon he'd bought, and pretended to be sleeping. But she'd been crying since he left the apartment. This wasn't the way she wanted to live. There was no camaraderie, no compassion, and no friendship left between them. They hardly made love anymore, and when they did, it was like making love to a stranger. They'd both had better more recently, but fortunately, neither of them said it. They just lay in lonely misery, as the walls between them grew higher and higher. The only thing worse than April was May. Despite good weather, their lives seemed to be filled with storm clouds. And they spent most of their time avoiding each other.

And when their furniture finally arrived, it was small comfort. It was like a relic of a lost world, and none of it seemed to fit right in the apartment. And as far as Meredith was concerned, the place looked dismal.

By late May, they were ready to kill each other, and she was thinking of quitting her job. It was becoming more and more impossible for her to work with Callan.

“What do you want from me?” Steve asked one night. “I came out here to save our marriage. I took a job I hated, because I wanted to be with you. I gave up everything I cared about in New York. And you've been pissed off at me since the day I got here. What is it that you hate so much about me, Merrie?” The tragedy was that what she hated about him was the fact that he wasn't Callan. And the truth was that she didn't hate him. She just didn't love him anymore, and she couldn't bear to face it. She was angry at everyone, and mostly herself, for what had happened. But time had swept them away down a raging river, and she could no longer find him. All she could find when she looked around was the debris of their marriage.

“I don't hate you, Steve,” she said quietly for once. “I'm just unhappy.”

“So am I,” he said sadly. The next day, he was waiting for her when she came home from work. And just like the old days, he had cooked her dinner. And as he poured her a glass of wine at the end of the meal, he told her what he had decided. “I'm leaving, Merrie,” he said gently, and sounded more like the man she remembered. She hadn't seen him like this in two months. They had been savages to each other. But there was just too much distance and disappointment.

“Leaving for where?” She looked confused. But he no longer did. He had finally come to a decision, and he wasn't happy about it, but he felt better.

“I'm going back to New York.”

“When?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow? Why?” She looked dumbstruck.

“Because it's over. We both know it, and neither of us had the guts to do anything about it. This doesn't work, for either of us. I don't know what you're going to do about your job. That's up to you, if it's not working out. But I can't stay here anymore. And we can't stay married.”

“Are you serious?” She was stunned. She had been beating on him like a punching bag, but it actually hadn't occurred to her that he would leave her.

“I'm very serious.”

“What about your job?”

“I quit this morning. I'd be more useful rolling bandages for the Red Cross. Believe me, they won't miss me.”

“Are you going back to the trauma unit?”

“I don't think so. I called some people in New York today. I want to look into doing some pro bono stuff for a while, maybe in underdeveloped countries, or in this country somewhere, like Appalachia. I don't know yet. I'll talk to them when I get back, and see where they could use me.”

“You hate that kind of stuff,” she reminded him, and he smiled sadly at her. She was still so beautiful, but she wasn't his any longer. He had lost her when she left New York, and he never knew it. But he knew it now. And he was finally willing to face it. He had to.

“I think I've grown up,” he said quietly. “I think I'd like to do that kind of work for a while, and feel like I'm putting something back into the human race, and not just patching up broken bodies.”

“But what about us?”

“I don't think there is an ‘us’ anymore. In fact, I'm sure of it. That's why I'm going.”

“I don't want you to go,” she said, as tears started to roll down her cheeks, and she reached out to him with a look of panic. He was all she had in the world, she had no family, and no friends here. And she didn't have Cal anymore. She had no one. She had Steve, and he was telling her it was over. It was a terrifying feeling.

“I can't stay here, Merrie. It's not good for either of us.”

“Do you want me to quit my job and come with you?” she asked and he shook his head.

“No, I don't. You have a life here. I don't. I'll always be there for you. Wherever I am, if you need me, I'll come running. You don't forget fifteen years, Merrie. But I can't do this anymore. It's over.” He sounded calm and relieved and he knew that when she adjusted to it, she'd be relieved too. “I'm sorry, babe,” he said softly.

“Don't leave me,” she whispered.

“Don't say that.” He walked around the table and put his arms around her, but he could not be swayed by anything she did or said or offered.

“When are you going?” she asked him again.

“Tomorrow morning.”

“What about our investments, and your share of the apartment money? You can'tjust disappear. We have to figure all that out. Have you called a lawyer?” She was in shock over what he was saying.

“No, I haven't called a lawyer. You can do that whenever you want to. And I don't want to figure out anything, on our investments or the apartment. You made that money, I didn't. It's yours. I don't want anything, Merrie. I wanted you. But that's all over.”

“I can't believe this,” she said, horrified by what he was saying. “Do you really mean it?”

“I do. We should have done this months ago when you were finding excuses not to come to New York. I didn't want to see what had happened, and I don't think you did either.” He didn't ask her if there was someone else, although he was beginning to suspect there might have been. But there wasn't now. She seemed as lonely and unhappy as he did. And he didn't tell her about Anna. It was no longer important, and he didn't want to hurt her. For him, the marriage was over, and Anna was a thing of the past, and had never impacted on their marriage. If anything, she had inspired him to save it. But he knew now that nothing could have done that. It was a relief to finally know it.

Meredith lay in his arms and sobbed that night and she called in sick to work the next morning. She stayed with him until he left, and it was a terrible moment when he walked out of the apartment. She was crying piteously, and he held her for a long time, and then finally said he had to go. He didn't want to miss his flight, and there was a cab downstairs, waiting to take him to the airport.

“I love you, Steve,” she cried. “I'm so sorry.” She was almost incoherent.

“So am I.” He kissed her one last time, picked up his bag, and hurried down the stairs to the cab. And as she watched from the window, he waved, and then was gone, as she stood staring in disbelief. Fifteen years of her life were over. And she had no one now. Not Steve. Not Cal. No one. Just herself to rely on. Steve had walked off to a new life. And as she stood there, looking out the window, she felt as though she had nothing.

Chapter 20

MEREDITH STAYED HOME from work for two days, and when she finally went back, she was unusually quiet. Callan was as disagreeable to her as he always was now, and she said nothing to him. Her personal life was no longer his problem. And she had nothing to say to him, except about what concerned his business.

As the shock of Steve's departure settled a little bit, she began to realize he had been right. They had been carrying a dead body around for seven months, and it needed to be buried.

And as she calmed down, she felt better able to deal with business. Steve had called from New York, to make sure she was all right, and he said he was staying with friends, and left her the number. But as lonely as she felt at night, she didn't call him. He had a right to his new life, and she knew she needed to recover.

She was thinking of quitting her job at Dow Tech and going back to New York. But she had decided to wait a month, and see if things got any better with Callan. He still seemed angry with her, but she was firmer with him now, and when he was unreasonable with her, she pushed back, and he was slowly backing off and getting the message. The respect that they had once shared seemed to be returning, if not the friendship.

And three weeks after Steve left, he asked her to help him entertain some analysts from London. She wasn't anxious to go out with him at night, but he said he was taking them to dinner in the city, and it was easy for her to join them. He told her he'd made a reservation at Fleur de Lys, and he'd pick her up on the way. She said she'd rather meet him there, but he insisted.

The dinner went very well, and he seemed to relax. She wore a new dress, and had her hair cut that morning, and she was finally beginning to feel like her old self, not the one who'd been in love with Cal, but the person she'd been even before she'd met him. And he seemed to sense it. He was respectful of her at dinner that night, and almost pleasant, but not quite. And after dinner, he drove her back to her apartment.

“How's Steve?” he asked politely as he pulled up in front of her building. “Does he like his new job?”

“Very much,” she answered, and thanked him for dinner.

“How are the kids?” she asked, and he said they were leaving in a few days to spend a month with their mother. It was late June and school was out. She didn't tell him how much she had missed them, or ask if they'd inquired about her. His children were no longer any of her business, just as her life wasn't his. They were simply employer and employee now.

“Are you enjoying living in the city?” he asked her as she started to get out.

“The commute is a little rough, but I like the apartment.” It was a lie too. But he had no right to the truth now. There were a lot of new things she had to get used to. Being alone. Being divorced. She had called a lawyer and started divorce proceedings. It was all very simple. Steve wanted nothing from her. He had walked away empty-handed, and preferred it that way.

“I'd like to see your apartment sometime,” he said, as he walked her to the door of the building, and she wanted to ask him why, but didn't.

“You'll have to come by for a drink the next time you're in the city.” But it was only idle conversation. She had no intention of inviting him anytime in the future.

“Which one is it?” he asked, looking up. It was a fairly pleasant building in Pacific Heights, but nothing special.

“The top floor,” she said, and then realized it was dark.

“Is Steve at work?”

“No, he's in New York,” she said honestly, and then decided that it didn't matter if he knew the truth now. It was over between them. “Actually,” she hesitated for a fraction of an instant, “he doesn't live here anymore. We're getting divorced. He left last month. He's in New York right now. He's going to do pro bono work in an underdeveloped country.” Callan looked as though she'd slapped him.

“Why didn't you tell me, Meredith?”

“I didn't think it was important.”

“It would have been once,” he reproached her. He looked hurt that she hadn't told him, but it told him something. It told him that she expected nothing from him, and she didn't.

“That was three months ago, Cal. And we had an agreement. Whenever Steve came back, the affair was over. You never said you wanted more than that. I didn't want to press myself on you when he left.” And she had realized since Steve was gone that she didn't want just an affair again, she wanted more than that, a real life, with a man who wanted to make a commitment. “I didn't think it was right to call you when Steve left. And you've been pretty angry at me since it ended.”

“I was hurt. And I was mad at myself for being so stupid. I was afraid to commit, Meredith. And maybe it was easier to let you go back to him, no matter how much I loved you. Besides, you needed to do that.”

She nodded. She couldn't deny that.

“And if I hadn't? What would have been different? You don't believe in commitment, Cal. You said so yourself. I respect that.”

“It must have been a rough three months,” he said gently, without challenging what she'd said about his feelings about commitment. But what he had said about loving her brought tears to her eyes, and she didn't want him to see them.

“It was rough. But I learned a lot. Not only about Steve, but about myself, who I am, and what I want.” Something about her had softened in the past three months, and he could sense that.

“What do you want, Merrie?” he asked, watching her carefully. She seemed different to him, and he liked it.

“I want a lot of things. Honesty, somebody, and something real. What I did was wrong. And I paid a price for it. A big price. But I know that I'm willing to be there for someone, and I want someone to be there for me. Not just for the good times.” She smiled at him, but from a great distance. “I might even want kids one day. You were probably right about that. I don't think it was ever right with Steve, or not for a long time anyway. We were too different, and I think I knew that.” And then she surprised him further. “I'm thinking of going back to New York. I was going to talk to you about it in a few weeks. I don't really belong here.”

“I thought you loved it here.” He looked personally wounded as they stood talking on the sidewalk.

“I thought so too. But I think it was a bad decision to come out here.” It had cost her her marriage. They might still have been married if she'd stayed in New York, but it was too late for that now. She had felt compelled to come out, and she and Steve had been pulled apart by irresistible forces.

“I think you'd be wrong to go back there,” he said firmly.

“Don't worry, I'll give you plenty of notice, Cal. Not like Charlie.”

“I know you would. I was thinking of you when I said it.”

“I'll let you know what I decide.”

“I want to be part of that decision. Let's talk about it.”

“Let's not,” she said quietly. “We don't have a lot to talk about, do we?”

“I thought we were friends.” He looked hurt by what she had said to him, and confused by everything she had told him. It was a lot to digest at one sitting.

“I thought so too,” she said quietly. “Maybe we weren't.”

“You did some wonderful things for me, Merrie. Not just for my business, for me. I was very upset when you went back to Steve. You know that.”

“I know,” she said sadly. “You had a right to be. I'm sorry I put you through that.”

“I knew what I was doing. I just didn't know how it would turn out. Neither did you. I actually thought it would work with you two. I'm surprised it didn't.”

“I missed you too much,” she smiled at him, honest with him. “I changed too much once I left New York. I did a lot of growing up here. Some of it thanks to you.”

“So I gather. Would it be inappropriate if I asked you what you're doing tomorrow night for dinner?”

“Not inappropriate,” she smiled, “but probably foolish. We've already been there. We've given it up. We've gotten over it. Why do it?”

“Because I want to talk to you.” He looked intense as he said it.

“Let's not do that. What would we talk about, Cal? Your hatred of commitment? The reasons why two people shouldn't trust each other, and can't count on each other? I don't want to talk about that. I've heard it. I got it. We've had our time. We've done it. We've both moved on. Let's leave it at that.” She looked determined as she said it.

“You're not giving me a chance here.”

She laughed softly. “I'm trying hard not to. I don't want you to confuse me.” She didn't want to start an affair with him again, and take the risk of hurting each other. She felt older, wiser, and far more cautious.

“Let me try at least,” he smiled at her, and she saw the man she had once fallen in love with. But she no longer wanted to see him. Steve was gone. And Cal was gone too. All she wanted to see in him was her CEO now. “I'll call you tomorrow,” he said firmly. And she told herself she wouldn't answer the phone, thanked him for dinner again, and left him on the sidewalk, while she walked upstairs to her apartment. He was still standing there when he saw her turn on the lights, and then got in his car and drove away, and she stood at her window, thinking about him. She wasn't going to dinner with him. There was no point. For her at least, it was over.

He called her the next day, as he said he would, and she told him she was busy that night, and had forgotten. And when the phone rang late that night, she didn't answer. She had nothing to say to him. And there was nothing she wanted to hear from him. She felt strangely peaceful as she let the phone ring.

And on Sunday morning, when she went out for a walk, she found him waiting outside, and she was startled.

“What are you doing here, Cal?” she asked, looking confused, and he laughed, looking somewhat sheepish.

“Waiting for you. Since you won't answer your phone or have dinner with me, you leave me no choice but to hang around like a juvenile delinquent.”

“You could have seen me at the office.”

“I don't want to discuss business with you, Merrie.”

“Why not? I'm good at it.”

“I know. We both are. But we're lousy at this other stuff. At least I am. I think you've gotten a little better at it, but you've had more practice. And I'm not as brave as you are. In fact, I've been scared to death for the last nine years … scared of everything you represented. Love, caring, sharing a life with someone, trusting, believing in them, being vulnerable. … I love you, Merrie. Come back to me. Teach me to do this.” He looked every bit as vulnerable as he said he wanted to be, and she wanted to reach out and hug him, but she didn't.

“How can I teach you anything, when I've made such a mess of my own life?” There were tears in her eyes as she said it.

“You haven't made a mess of it. You've done the right things. I think we were both scared. I thought I'd go crazy when you went back to Steve. I was like a madman in Europe.”

“I wasn't so terrific here,” she admitted. “I was pretty awful. Poor Steve. I made his life a living hell while he was here.”

“Is that why he left you?” Cal asked with interest.

“He left me because he was smart enough to figure out that we didn't love each other anymore. Not enough. And he was brave enough to do something about it. I wasn't. He did the right thing. It just took me a while to see it.”

“It's taken me a while to see how much you meant to me, Merrie … how much you still mean to me. … I still love you.”

“And then what? We hang around together for years, too afraid to hold a hand out to each other. I want more than that, Cal. I need it.”

“So do I. I'm holding a hand out to you now. Give me a chance … let's try it. We'll make it work this time. It wasn't so bad last time.”

“And then what? What if it does work?”

“Then we get married,” he said, and she stared at him, trying to absorb what he was saying to her. But he wasn't finished. “In fact,” he said, looking terrified but determined, “I want to marry you now.”

“Why?” She stood on the sidewalk, looking at him, wondering if he meant it.

“Because I love you, that's why. Isn't that how it's supposed to work?”

“I don't know, Cal. Is it?” There were tears in her eyes as he pulled her toward him and held her.

“I never stopped loving you. I tried hating you for a while, but it didn't work. I missed you so much I thought it would kill me.”

“Me too,” she said softly, wanting to believe in him, and afraid to do it.

“Marry me, Merrie … please….”

“What if it doesn't work?” she whispered. She had just watched fifteen years of her life go down the drain. It was hard to trust anything else now. But somewhere in her heart, she knew she had to. She had no choice, just as she hadn't from the beginning. She had been drawn to him by something so powerful, so real, so deep within them both, that neither of them could resist it.

“It will work, you know,” he said as he held her. “This is right for both of us, and we know it.” She nodded, and he pulled away just enough to smile at her and then kiss her. And as they walked away hand in hand, he was talking animatedly about their plans, and she was smiling.

Chapter 21

WHEN STEVE GOT off the plane in New York, he went to the agency to find the kind of work he was looking for. He had heard about it from a doctor he knew from med school. It was a small dingy place with a battered sign outside. And it looked as bad as the places where they sent their clients. They gave Steve a brochure, a long list of countries that they served, and a description of the kind of jobs they offered. It seemed like the right thing to him, and they told him it would take them several weeks to process his application. But he had nothing but time on his hands, and no pressure to go anywhere in a hurry. He thought of calling Harvey Lucas to say hello, but he wasn't ready to talk about Merrie yet, or the fiasco in California, so he decided not to.

He stayed with an old med school friend, and spent most of his time walking, and going to museums. It was the first time in years that he had some leisure time. He went to the beach, and saw all the latest movies. And he thought constantly about calling Anna. But he thought it best to leave that a closed chapter.

And at the end of June, the agency finally called him. They had processed his application, and had several jobs for him. They offered him Peru, Chile, Kentucky, and Botswana. And the jobs they described sounded uncomfortable, but intriguing. In the end, he opted for Kentucky. He no longer felt the need to flee from Meredith. And they told him to come back in four days to sign the papers. It would be a two-year commitment.

Knowing that he was going to leave again, he decided to call Harvey Lucas. And after he did, he decided to drop in on Anna. He wanted to say goodbye to her, and to tell her that he was sorry he had been so hard on her when he left for California. He had no intention of trying to start something up with her again, he knew he had no right to do that. He just wanted to make sure she was all right, and maybe see Felicia. He had missed her. He had missed them both, and he hated the fact that he had never said good-bye to Felicia. It was the wrong way to leave a child, he knew, to simply disappear out of her life without farewell or explanation. And he felt even worse about the way he'd left her mother.

It was a warm, sunny day in June. The first big heat wave hadn't hit the city yet, and people looked happier than usual, and still in good humor. He called to see if she was in, and a baby-sitter said she'd be home from work by three. So he waited until five to drop in on her. He had decided by then that if he called her, she probably wouldn't agree to see him.

He took the bus up Broadway, and walked west on 102nd, until he reached the familiar building. And it looked slightly better in the summer sunshine, but not much. It was still an abysmal place, and he hated that she had to live there. But not nearly as much as she did.

He was about to ring the bell on the panel downstairs, when two young men in T-shirts and jeans approached him. They looked as though they were going to ask him a question. One of them said something to Steve, and he turned without hesitation toward them.

“Sorry, what did you say?” He was thinking about Anna, and had been away from New York just long enough to forget being cautious.

“I said, give me your wallet, asshole.” Steve stared at them for an instant, not sure whether to give it to them, or try and talk them out of it, and as he hesitated, the second man pulled a gun on him. And he saw that the first one had a switchblade.

“Take it easy, guys, I'll give you my wallet, but there's not much in it.” And as he reached for it, his hands were shaking. He started to hand it to the man with the knife, and the younger one with the gun looked nervous.

“Hurry up, man … we don't have all day….” The one with the knife grabbed the wallet, as Steve looked at him, and without a word of warning or a sound, the other one shot him, at close range, somewhere in the middle of his rib cage. Steve made a sudden choking sound, and instinctively touched the bell he had been about to ring, and fell slowly down the stairs of Anna's building toward the sidewalk.

He lay there facedown, unable to move, and one by one windows began to open, and he could hear people far above him, shouting, but by then the men had run away and there was no one to stop them.

He could hear voices far away, and after a while, there was someone pulling at him, but as they turned him slowly to survey the damage, he slid slowly into blackness.

He was unconscious as the people in the building ran down, and he never knew that they had gone to get Anna. Everyone in the building knew she was a doctor. She found him in the midst of a small crowd, and she was carrying her medical bag. They had told her someone had been wounded. She had heard the shot, but at first thought nothing of it. She thought maybe a truck had backfired. But as she looked at him, she heard sirens. Someone had called for an ambulance, and as she saw the wound, and then his face, and knew who it was, she realized with horror that he had come to see her.

She was holding a bandage to his gut when the paramedics arrived, and she told them what she needed. They got him on a gurney as quickly as they could, and she told one of her neighbors to watch Felicia.

“Are you going with him?” The paramedics looked startled, as she gave them the name of the trauma unit where she worked, and they agreed to take him there. Steve was still unconscious and bleeding profusely. And as they ran an IV into him, and she kept pressure on the gaping wound, she wondered why he had been there. She had heard nothing from him in three months, and hadn't expected to see him.

His blood pressure was dropping as they reached the hospital, and luckily, Lucas was on duty. Anna explained what had happened to him, or what she knew of it, and Harvey ran to surgery to get ready. Anna was still with Steve, and the trauma team had taken over from the paramedics.

“Does anyone know his name?” a nurse shouted at them, and Anna answered for him.

“It's Steve Whitman.” Her face was gray as she watched him.

“What the hell's he doing here? I thought he was in California,” one of the nurses said as she cut his clothes off with a scissor.

“Well, he's here apparently,” Anna said tersely, fighting to put on scrubs as she followed the team to surgery, “and he has a hole in his gut the size of Texas. Jesus, can't you guys move any faster?”

“We are moving … we're moving….” But they were losing him and Anna could see it. They were at the door to surgery by then, and Lucas was waiting for them. He already had a mask, a cap, and gloves on.

“He's going, Harvey,” Anna whispered, as she went to scrub. She wanted to stay with Steve, but she also wanted to assist Harvey and she had to scrub to do it.

His blood pressure was still dropping by the time she got back to him, and they had already intubated him. Steve knew nothing of what had happened. He was deeply unconscious as the people who had been his friends fought to save him.

“What the hell happened?” Harvey asked, as they dug for the bullet.

“I think he was coming to see me,” Anna said through clenched teeth as she watched, “and someone shot him.”

“You're a dangerous woman,” Harvey said, still unable to find or dislodge the bullet, and they were pumping blood into him as fast as they could get it.

“And he's an asshole,” Anna added as tears rolled into her mask, and she finally begged Lucas to let her try it. “I'm good at this,” she said.

“So they tell me.”

She took over from Harvey then, and dug deep for the bullet. And with a small grunting noise, she found it. But it took her another twenty minutes to dislodge it. His blood pressure was stable by then, but he was still hemorrhaging badly. It took them another hour to stop it. But three hours after they took him into surgery, Harvey let Anna do the sutures. And Steve was finally in stable condition.

“I think he'll make it,” Harvey said, as they wheeled Steve into Recovery and he took a good look at Anna. “You look like shit, Dr. Gonzalez.”

“Thank you, Dr. Lucas.”

She still looked gray, and her knees were shaking now that it was over. And then she went to sit next to Steve. It was another two hours before he stirred, and when he did, he was still groggy, but he saw her sitting there next to him, and he smiled when he saw her.

“Anna? I was coming to see you,” he whispered.

“You never made it.” She smiled down at him as tears filled her eyes again. She thought she would never see him again, and then she thought he would die before they could save him.

“What happened?” he whispered again.

“Someone shot you.”

“Nice neighborhood,” he said, and she smiled through her tears at him.

“What were you doing there?” But she knew before he answered.

“I came to say good-bye to you.”

“You did that three months ago,” she said gently, as he drifted off to sleep again, and then opened his eyes and continued the conversation.

“I wanted to see Felicia. I miss her.”

“She misses you too,” and then she decided to throw caution to the winds and tell him the truth. “So do I, even if you are an asshole.”

He smiled at her then. “I'm getting divorced and going to Kentucky.”

Anna frowned as she listened to him. “I think he's hallucinating,” she said to one of the nurses.

“I heard that. It's true … divorced … Kentucky …” Steve insisted weakly.

“Don't talk so much … you can explain later. Why don't you sleep for a while?” she said gently. She was still worried about him.

“My chest hurts.”

“Stop complaining. You had a great surgeon.” Anna looked down at him with a grin, as he watched her.

“Who did it?”

“I did. You had a bullet the size of an egg in your chest. Now shut up and go to sleep before I hit you.”

“I love you, Anna,” he whispered softly but she heard him.

She leaned down close to his face so he could hear her better and the others wouldn't. “I love you too.”

“Marry me.” He was groggy but she knew he meant it.

“Never,” she answered. “I'm allergic to it.”

“… good thing to do … good for Felicia … good for me … good for you … have more kids … a baby….”

“I don't need a baby, if I have you to take care of. You'd be more trouble than ten children….”

“Will you marry me?”

“No. Besides, you're on drugs. You do not know what you're saying.”

“Yes, I do … and I'm not married….” He sounded stronger as he said it. “And I'm not gay.”

“What's he talking about?” Harvey Lucas came to check on him, and caught the tail end of the conversation. “Who said he was gay? He's not gay.”

“No, but he's an asshole,” Anna said firmly with a glance at Steve. He was coming out of the anesthetic nicely and Lucas was pleased, and left them to continue the conversation. “I thought you were gone forever,” she said gently.

“I thought so too … I'm back….”

“So I see. Why don't you stay here? You'll have to explain later about Kentucky.” But even in his drugged state, he remembered that he hadn't signed the papers. He remembered a lot of things, leaving Merrie, leaving California … going to see Anna … and then he didn't remember much after that … until he saw her in the Recovery room and his chest hurt.

“I love you,” he said again, determined to convince her.

“I love you too, now rest for awhile. I'll be here. I'm not going anywhere, Steve.” She had never been as happy to see a face as she had been to see his, especially once she knew he'd make it. She had cried over him every night for three months. But now he had come to see her, for whatever reason.

“Why won't you marry me?”

“I don't need to. Besides, I told you, I hate rich guys.”

“I gave it all back to her … I'm poor now….”

“You're crazy,” she said, smiling at him.

“You too,” he said, smiling at her, and then he drifted off to sleep as she watched him.

“How's he doing? Is he okay?” Harvey came by to check his vital signs and was satisfied with what he was seeing.

“He will be,” Anna answered him, as he left them alone again. Steve was in good hands. He had been a lucky guy that afternoon. But no luckier than he deserved. Harvey glanced over his shoulder as he walked out of the Recovery room, and saw Anna holding Steve's hand and smiling at him.

“Is that Steve Whitman in there?” one of the nurses asked him. The word was out in the trauma unit.

“It sure is.”

“What's he doing here?” Everyone was confused. They thought he was still in California.

“Recuperating, I hope,” Harvey Lucas answered, “so he can take his old job back and I can get the hell out of here, and finally do some research.”

“Is he coming back?” the nurses at the desk asked Harvey.

“Could be,” Harvey smiled at her. “Could be. Who knows? Stranger things have happened.”

And as she sat next to him and watched him sleep, Anna held his hand and watched him. Just being there with him was all she'd ever wanted or needed. She didn't need promises or wedding rings, or money. She just wanted to be with him. And he was back now. For both of them, the nightmare and the loneliness were over.

a cognizant original v5 release october 06 2010

About the Author

DANIELLE Steel has been hailed as one of the world's most popular authors, with over 430 million copies of her novels sold. Her many international bestsellers include: Journey, The House on Hope Street, The Wedding, Granny Dan, Bittersweet, Mirror Image, The Klone and I, The Long Road Home, The Ghost, Special Delivery, The Ranch, and other highly acclaimed novels. She is also the author of His Bright Light, the nonfiction story of her son Nick Traina's life and death.

A Dell Book

Published by

Dell Publishing

A division of Random House, Inc.

1540 Broadway

New York, New York 10036

This novel is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Copyright © 1999 by Danielle Steel

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the written permission of the Publisher, except where permitted by law.

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Dell® is a registered trademark of Random House, Inc., and the colophon is a trademark of Random House, Inc.

eISBN: 978-0-307-56653-9

v3.0

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

a cognizant original v5 release october 06 2010

About the Author