Key of Knowledge

Chapter Fifteen

LOOK,” Kane said, “how you betray yourself in sleep. He stood looking down at the bed where she and Jordan slept. On the floor beside them, Moe twitched and made excited sounds.

“What did you do to Moe?” “I gave him a dream, a harmless, happy dream. He chases rabbits on a sunny spring day. It will keep him safe and occupied, as we have much to talk about, you and I.”

She watched Moes back right leg swing as if he was running. “I dont have much to say to anyone who sneaks into my bedroom at night to play Peeping Tom.”

“I dont peep, I watch. You interest me, Dana. You have intelligence I respect that. Scholars are valued in my world, on any world. And there we have the scholar and the bard.” He gestured toward the bed at her and Jordan. “One would think a fine combination. But we know better.”

It both frightened and fascinated her to see the couple on the bed, wrapped together in a tangle of limbs. “You dont know us. You never will. Thats why well beat you.”

He only smiled. The dark suited him, cloaked him like velvet and silk and left his eyes burning bright. “You search, but you dont find. How can you? Your life is pretense, Dana, a dream as much as this. Look how you cling to him in sleep. You, a strong, intelligent woman, one who considers herself independent, even willful. Yet you throw yourself at a man who tossed you aside once and will do so again. You allow yourself to be ruled by passion, and it makes you weak.”

“What rules you if not passion?” she countered. “Ambition, greed, hate, vanity. Theyre all passions.”

“Ah, this is why I enjoy you. We could have such interesting conversations. No, passions are not owned by the mortal world. But to invite pain merely for love and the pleasures of the flesh.” He shook his head. “You were wiser when you hated him. Now you let him use you again.”

He lies. He lies. She couldnt let herself fall into the trap of that seductive voice and forget how it lied. “Nobody uses me. Not even you.”

“Perhaps you need to remember more clearly.”

It was snowing. She felt the flakes—soft, cold, wet, on her skin, though she couldnt see them fall. They seemed to hang suspended in the air.

She felt the bite of the wind but couldnt hear it, nor did it chill her.

The world was a black-and-white photograph. Black trees, white snow. White mountains rising toward a white sky, and there, far up, the black silhouette of Warriors Peak.

All was still and cold and silent.

There was a man all the way down the block, frozen in the act of shoveling his walk. His shovel was lifted, and the scoop of snow was caught in its flight through the air.

“Do you know this place?” Kane asked her.

“Yes.” Three blocks south of Market, two blocks west of Pine Ridge.

“And this house.”

The tiny two-story box, painted white with black shutters. The two small dormer windows of the second floor, one for each small bedroom. The single dogwood, with snow adorning its thin branches, and the narrow driveway that ran beside it. Two cars in the driveway. The old station wagon and the secondhand Mustang.

“Its Jordans house.” Her mouth was dry. Her tongue felt thick and clumsy. “Its… it was Jordans house.”

“Is,” Kane corrected. “In this frozen moment.”

“Why am I here?”

He stepped around her, but left no mark, no print, in the snow. The hem of his black robe seemed to float just an inch above that white surface.

He wore a ruby, a large round cabochon on a chain that fell nearly to his waist. In the black-andwhite world it shone there like a fat drop of fresh blood.

“I give you the courtesy of allowing you to know this is memory, of letting you stand with me and observe. Do you understand this?”

“I understand this is memory.”

“With the first of you, I showed her what could be. So I showed you. But I realize you are a more… earthbound creation. One who prefers reality. But are you brave enough to see what is real?”

“To see what?” But she already knew.

Color seeped into the world. The deep green of pines beneath the draping snow, the bright blue mailbox on the corner, the blues and greens and reds of the coats the children wore as they built snowmen and forts in the yards.

And with the color came the movement. The snow fell again, and the shovelful from the walk on the corner landed with a thump, even as the man bent to scoop up another. She heard the shouts, high and pure in the air, from the children playing, and the unmistakable thwack of snowballs striking their targets.

She saw herself, bundled in a quilted jacket the color of blueberries. What had she been thinking? She looked like Violet in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

A knit cap was pulled over her head, a knit scarf wrapped around her throat. She moved quickly, but stopped long enough for a brief and energetic snow battle with the little Dobson boys and their friends.

Her own laughter drifted out to her, and she knew what shed been thinking, what shed been feeling.

She was going to see Jordan, to convince him to come out and play. He was spending much too much time closed up in that house since his mother died. He needed to be with someone who loved him.

The past few months had been a nightmare of hospitals and doctors, suffering and grief. He needed comfort, and a gentle, gentle push back into life. He needed her.

She trooped up theunshoveled walk, stomped her feet. She didnt knock. Shed never needed to knock on this door.

“Jordan!” She pulled off her cap, raked her fingers through her hair. Shed worn it shorter then, a chopped-off experiment she hated, and willed, daily, to grow back.

She called him again as she unzipped her coat.

The house still smelled of Mrs. Hawke, she noted. Not of the lemon wax shed always used on the furniture, or the coffee shed habitually had on the stove. But of her sickness. Dana wished she could fling open the windows and whisk the worst of the sorrow and grief away.

He came to the top of the stairs. Her heart did a tumble in her chest, as it always did when she saw him. He was so handsome, so tall and straight, and just a little dangerous around the eyes and mouth.

“I thought youd be at the garage, but when I called Pete said you werent coming in today.”

“No, Im not going in.”

His voice sounded rusty, as if hed just gotten up. But it was already two in the afternoon. There were shadows in his eyes, shadows under them, and they broke her heart.

She came to the foot of the stairs, shot him a quick smile. “Why dont you put on a coat? The Dobson kids tried to ambush me on the way over. We can kick their little asses.”

“Ive got stuff to do, Dana.”

“More important than burying theDobsons in a hail of snowballs?”

“Yeah. I have to finish packing.” “Packing?” She didnt feel alarm, not then, only confusion. “Youre going somewhere?”

“New York.” He turned and walked away. “New York?” Still there was no alarm. Now there was a thrill, and she bounded up the stairs after him with excitement at her heels. “Is it about your book? Did you hear from that agent?”

She rushed into his bedroom, threw herself on his back. “You heard from the agent, and you didnt tell me? We have to celebrate. We have to do something insane. What did he say?”

“Hes interested, thats all.”

“Of course hes interested. Jordan, this is wonderful. Youre going up to have a meeting with him? A meeting with a New York literary agent!” She let out a crow of delight, then noticed the two suitcases, the duffel, the packing crate.

Slowly, with that first trickle of alarm, she slid off his back. “Youre taking an awful lot of stuff for a meeting.”

“Im moving to New York.” He didnt turn to her, but tossed another sweater, a pair of jeans into one of the open suitcases.

“I dont understand.”

“I put the house up for sale yesterday. They probably wont be able to turn it until spring. Guy at the flea markets going to take most of the furniture and whatever else there is.”

“Youre selling the house.” When her legs went weak, she sank onto the side of the bed. “But, Jordan, you live here.”

“Not anymore.”

“But… you cant just pack up and go to New York. I know you talked about moving there eventually, but—”

“Im done here. Theres nothing for me here.”

It was like having a fist punched into her heart. “How can you say that? How can you say theres nothing for you here? I know, Jordan, I know how hard it was for you to lose your mother. I know youre still grieving. This isnt the time for you to make this kind of a decision.”

“Its already made.” He glanced in her direction, but his eyes never met hers. “Ive got a few more things to deal with, then Im gone. Im leaving in the morning.”

“Just like that?” Pride pushed her back on her feet. “Were you planning on letting me in on it, or were you just going to send me a postcard when you got there?”

He looked at her now, but she couldnt see into his eyes, couldnt see through the shield hed thrown up between them. “I was going to come by later tonight and see you, and Flynn.”

“Thats very considerate.”

He raked his “fingers through his hair, a gesture she knew reflected impatience or frustration. ”Look, Dana, this is something I have to do.“

“No, this is something you want to do, because youre done with this place now. And everyone in it.”

She had to keep her voice low, very low. Or it would shrill. Or scream. “That would include me. So I guess the past couple of years havent meant a damn thing.”

“Thats bullshit, and you know it.” He slapped one suitcase closed, fastened it. “I care about you, I always did. Im doing what I need to do—what I want to do. Either way it comes to the same thing. I cant write here. I cant fucking think here. And I have to write. Ive got a chance to make something of myself, and Im taking it. So would you.”

“Yeah, youre making something of yourself. A selfish bastard. Youve been planning this, stringing me along while you planned to dump me when it was most convenient for you.”

“This isnt about you, this is about me getting out of this fucking house, out of this goddamn town.” He rounded on her, and the shield cracked enough for her to see fury. “This is about me not busting my ass every goddamn day working in a grease pit just to pay the bills, then trying to carve out a few hours to write. This is about my life.”

“I thought I was part of your life.”

“Christ,” He dragged a hand through his hair again before yanking open a drawer for more clothes.

He couldnt be bothered to stop packing, she thought, not even when he was breaking her heart.

“You are part of my life. You, Flynn, Brad. How the hell does me moving to New York change that?”

“As far as I know you havent been sleeping with Flynn and Brad.”

“I cant bury myself in the Valley because you and I had thehots for each other.”

“You son of a bitch.” She could feel herself beginning to shake, and the stinging tears gathering in her throat. Using all her strength, she channeled the hurt into rage. “You can make it cheap. You can make yourself cheap. But you wont make me cheap.”

He stopped now, stopped packing and turned to look at her with regret, and what might have been pity. “Dana. I didnt mean it that way.”

“Dont.” She slapped his hand away when he reached ...

Youre done with the Valley? Youre done with me? Fine, thats fine, because Im done with you. Youll be lucky to last a month in New York, hacking away at that crap you write. So when you come crawling back here, dont call me. Dont speak to me. Because youre right about one thing, Hawke—theres nothing for you here anymore.“

She shoved past him and fled.

Shed forgotten her hat, she realized as she watched herself run out of the house. A snowball winged by one of the Dobson boyssplatted in the middle of her back, but she didnt notice.

She didnt feel the cold, or the tears streaming down her face.

She felt nothing. Hed made her nothing.

How could she have forgotten? How could she have forgiven?

She didnt see then, nor did she see now, that hed stood in the narrow window of the dormer and watched her go.

SHE woke to thin autumn sunlight, her cheeks wet, her skin chilled.

The grief was so real, so fresh, she rolled away, curled up in a ball and prayed for it to pass.

She couldnt, wouldnt, go through this again. Had she worked so hard to get over him, to push herself out of the grief and misery and hurt only to lay herself open to it all again?

Was she that weak, that stupid?

Maybe she was, when it came to Jordan. Maybe she was just that weak and stupid. But she didnt have to be.

She eased out of bed and left him sleeping. She pulled on a robe, a kind of armor, then headed to the kitchen for coffee.

Moe scrambled up from the foot of the bed and bounded after her. With his leash between his teeth, he danced in place in the kitchen.

“Not yet, Moe.” She bent to bury her face in his fur. “Im not up to it yet.”

Sensing trouble, he whined, then dropped the leash to lick her face. “Youre a good dog, arent you? Been chasing rabbits, huh? Thats okay, Ive been chasing something, too. Neither one of us is ever going to catch it.”

She drank the coffee where she stood, and was pouring a second cup when she heard Jordans footsteps.

Hed pulled on his clothes, but still looked sleepily rumpled. He grunted when Moes paws hit his chest, and managed to nip the coffee mug out of Danas hand. He drank deep.

“Thanks.” He handed it back, then stooped to pick up Moes leash. The act had Moe running around them in desperate circles.

“Want me to take him out?”

“Yes. You can take him back to Flynns.”

“Sure. Want to go for a run before breakfast?” he said to Moe as he clipped on the leash. “Yeah, you bet.”

“I dont want you to come back here.”

“Hmm?” He glanced up, saw her face. “What did you say?”

“I dont want you to come back here. Not this morning, not ever.”

“Down, Moe.” Something in the quiet tone had the dog obeying. “Did I sleep through an argument, or… Kane,” he said and gripped Danas arm. “What did he do?”

“It has nothing to do with him. Its about me this time. I made a mistake letting you back in. Im correcting it.”

“What the hell brought this on? Last night—”

“We have great sex.” She shrugged, sipped her coffee. “Thats not enough for me. Or maybe its too much for me. Either way it doesnt work. You ripped me to pieces once.”

“Dana, let me—”

“No, thats just it.” She stepped back from him. “I wont let you, not again. Ive got a good life, all in all. It satisfies me. I dont want you in it. I dont want you here, Jordan. I cant have you here. So Im telling you to go while there are no hard feelings. Im telling you while we still have some chance of being friends.”

She moved past him quickly. “Im going to shower. Dont be here when I come out.”

HE was still in a daze when he walked into Flynns. Was this what shed felt like? he wondered. Was this what hed done to her? Had he left her feeling hollowed out and numb?

And what happened when the numbness passed? Was it pain, or anger, or both?

He wanted the anger. Christ, he wanted to find his anger.

Trailing the leash that Jordan forgot to unclip, Moe dashed back toward the kitchen, and Flynns cheerful greeting followed the sound of thumps.

“A boy and his dog.” Malory jogged down the stairs, morning fresh in khakis and a navy sweatshirt. “Youre back early this morning,” she began, “or Im running behind.” Then she stopped, stared at him. “What is it? Whats wrong?” A bubble of fear came into her voice. “Dana—”

“No, nothing. Shes fine.”

“But youre not. Come on. Lets go sit down.”

“No, I need to—”

“Sit down,” she repeated, and taking his arm, pulled him toward the kitchen.

Flynn was at the card table, a temporary measure in the evolving kitchen. The walls had been painted a strong teal blue that set off the golden wood of the new cabinets. The floor was stripped down in preparation for the hardwood Malory had selected. A piece of plywood sat on a stretch of base cabinets as a makeshift countertop.

Flynn was eating cereal, and from the guilty look on both his and his dogs faces, hed been sharing it with Moe.

“Hey, whats up? You want food, youve got about fifteen minutes before the crew gets here.”

“Sit down, Jordan. Ill get you some coffee.”

Flynn studied his friends face. “Whats the deal? You and Dana have a fight?”

“No, no fight. She just told me to go.”

“Go where?”

“Flynn.” Malory set a mug of coffee in front of Jordan and laid a hand on his shoulder. “Can you possibly be that dense?”

“Well, Jesus, give me a minute to catch up. If you werent fighting, why did she kick you out?”

“Because she didnt want me there.” “So you just left?” Flynn tossed out. “Without finding out what pissed her off?”

“She wasnt mad. If shed been mad I couldve handled her. Handled it. She just looked… tired, and sad. And finished.” He rubbed his hands over his face,. So it wasnt going to be anger after all, he realized. It was just pain.

“Whatever she felt, Jordan, whatevers behind it, you have to find out.” Malory gave his shoulder a quick shake. “Doesnt she mean anything to you?”

He shot her a look storming with emotions, and with a sigh she moved in to wrap her arms around him. “All right, then,” she murmured. “All right.”

“She means enough,” he managed, “that Im not going to put that look on her face again. She wants me gone, Ill go.”

“Men are such morons. Havent you considered that she wants you gone only because she already expects you to go?”

ZOE met Malory at the front door, then nudged her back out. “Ive been watching for you. Danas in there, painting your side. Somethings wrong. I can see it. But she wont talk about it.”

“She broke up with Jordan.”

“Oh. If theyve had a fight—”

“No, its something else, and nothing as simple as an argument. Im going to see what I can do.”

“Good luck.”Zoe went back in.

“Whats that noise, anyway?”

“Just one more complication. Bradleys over in Danas section with an electric floor sander. He wont let me use it. Yes, it was very nice of him to lend it to us,” she continued when Malory lifted her eyebrows. “But Im perfectly capable of sanding the floors. With him here, its that much harder to get Dana to open up.”

“Keep him busy, Ill deal with Dana.”

“I dont want to keep him busy. The last time I was alone with him for ten minutes, he put the moves on me.”

“Which moves?”

Zoeglanced over her shoulder toward the sound of the sander. “The night we were at his place, after everyone else left. I was having a simple conversation with him, then he kissed me.” “He kissed you? That perverted maniac! Get the rope.”

“Oh, ha, ha.”

“Okay, did you have to fight him off? Was it a scarring experience?”

“No, but…” She lowered her voice, though she could have shouted and not been overheard. “He really kissed me, and my head went wonky for a minute, so I kissed him back. Ive got entirely too much on my plate for fun and games right now. Besides, he makes me nervous.”

“Yeah, great-looking guys who take time out of their day to sand floors for me always make me nervous. Listen, Ive got to talk to Dana. When Ive taken care of her, Ill run over and, if necessary, save you from Brads nefarious clutches. Unless, of course, you dont think you can handle yourself.“

“Okay, that was low. Very low.”

“Just make sure he doesnt wander over while Im talking to Dana. Scoot.” She wavedZoe away, then headed in the opposite direction.

Her first thought was: Oh! Her walls were coming to life with that pale, delicate burnt gold shed chosen. It was right, just so right. Alreadysh & could see what a perfect backdrop it would make for art.

Her second thought was how set and blank Danas face was as she worked.

And that was wrong, just so wrong. “It looks wonderful.”

Obviously jolted out of long thoughts, Dana turned her head. “Yeah. You've got a knack for bull's-eyeing color. I figured this would look bland, even a little dingy. Instead it has this nice, quiet glow.”

“You dont. You dont have any glow at all today.” Dana shrugged, and continued to work. “Cant be Mary Sunshine all the time.”

“I saw Jordan this morning. He wasnt glowing either. In fact,” she continued as she walked to Dana, “he looked devastated.”

“Hell get over it.”

“Do you really think that, or do you need to think it because it gets you off the hook?”

“Im not on any hook.” She stared hard at the wall as she painted. Gold over white, gold over white. “I did what was right for me. Its none of your business, Malory.”

“Yes, it is. I love you. I love Flynn, and he loves you.”

“Were just one big, gooey family.”

“You can be angry with me if you want, if it helps. But you have to know Im on your side. Whatever happens, Im on your side.”

“Then you should understand why I broke things off and you should support my decision.”

“I would, if I thought it was what you really wanted.” Malory rubbed a hand over Danas back. “If it made you happy.”

“Im not looking for happy yet.” Her friends comforting stroke made her want to sit down on the floor and wail. “Ill settle for a little stretch of smooth road.”

“Tell me what happened between yesterday and today.”

“I remembered—with a little help from Kane.”

“I knew it.” As she snapped it out, Malorys face went bright with anger. “I knew he was behind this.”

“Hold on. He took me on a trip down memory lane. That makes him a son of a bitch, but it doesnt change the facts.” God, she was tired. She just wanted to be left alone to paint the walls. Paint away the ache and fatigue. “He didnt change what happened or make it worse. He didnt have to. I just knew that after seeing it again, feeling it again, I was making a mistake.”

“Why is it a mistake to love a decent man?”

“Because he doesnt love me.” She yanked the band out of her hair, as if doing so would relieve the headache simmering at the base of her skull. “Because hes going to leave as soon as hes done here. Because the more Im with him, the deeper in I get, and I cant control how I feel the way I thought I could. I cant be with him and not be in love with him.”

“Did you ask how he felt?”

“No. And you know what? I just wasnt up to hearing the old „I care about you routine. Sue me.”

No one spoke for a moment. There was only the sound of Danas labored breathing, the hum of the paint machine, and the steady buzz of the sander from the other side of the house.

“You hurt him.” Malory stepped over, flicked off the machine. “Maybe his feelings arent as simple and weak as you think. The man I saw this morning had been cut straight down to the bone. If you wanted payback, Dana, you got it.”

She whirled around, vibrant with fury, trembling with insult. The roller fell out of her hand and left a dull gold smear on the drop cloth. “For Christs sake, what do you take me for? Do you think Ive been sleeping with him just so I could kick him out and get back some of my own?”

“No, I dont. Im just thinking, if you really want that smooth stretch of road, you dont get it by running somebody else into a ditch, then leaving him there bleeding.”

Dana heaved the hair band to the floor and wished viciously she had something more satisfying to throw. “Youve got some goddamn nerve.”

“Yes, I guess I do.”

“This is my fucking spin on the wheel, Malory. I dont need you or anyone else telling me who to let into my life, or who to close out.”

“Seems to me thats just what youre letting Kane do. He had a direction he wanted you to take, andypure going right along with it. Youre not even asking yourself why he gave you the push.”

“So now I should stay with Jordan because of the key? Youre lecturing me about my own life, my own decisions, so I wont risk screwing up your deal?”

Malory drew a long breath. It wasnt the time for her to lose her temper, or, she decided, to blame Dana for losing hers. “If you believe that, you dont know me, and more, you dont know what it is youve agreed to do. So you can keep on painting, and congratulating yourself for avoiding all those bumps in the road, or you can stop being a coward and settle this with Jordan.”

Finished, Malory started out. “He shouldnt be hard to find,” she called back. “He told Flynn he was going to see his mother this morning.”