Key of Knowledge

Chapter Sixteen

HE brought her carnations. Tulips had been her favorite, but it was the wrong season. Still, shed liked simple flowers the best. Tulips and daffodils, rambling roses and daisies. The carnations were simple, it seemed to him, and feminine in a soft, old-fashioned pink.

Shed have appreciated them, made a fuss, and put them in her good vase—the one her mother had given her some long ago Christmas.

He hadnt thought to buy anything to put them in, so the florists paper would have to do.

He hated the cemetery. All those stones and markers popping out of the ground like a crop of death in gray and white and black. All the names and dates inscribed on them were as much a reminder that no one beat fate in the end as a memorial to a lifetime.

Morbid thoughts, he supposed, but this was the place for them. The grass was bumpy and weedy, so the green was marred with brown patches where it had worn away, spindly where it hadnt been clipped close enough to the stones. Others had brought flowers to their dead, and some of the offerings were faded and withered. Some solved this remembrance of death by laying artificial blooms at the markers, but the bright colors struck him as false.

More lie, he thought, than tribute.

It was too windy here on the north end, and too cold, without the shelter of the small grove of trees to the east or the sunny rise just to the west.

Hed had the marker replaced a few years before with smooth white granite. Shed have considered that a foolish expense, but hed needed to do something.

It held her name. Susan Lee Hawke. And the span of her life, that short forty-six years. Beneath, in script, was the line hed paraphrased from Emily Dickinson.

Hope perches in the soul

Shed never lost hope. Shed lived her life believing in the power of hope, and faith, leavened with good, hard work. Even when the sickness had eaten away her beauty, had whittled her down to brittle bones shed had hope.

For him, Jordan thought now. Shed had hope for him, believed in him, and had loved him without qualification.

He crouched down to lay the flowers on her grave.

“I miss you, Mom. I miss talking to you, and hearing you laugh. I miss seeing that look in your eye that told me I was in trouble. And even when I was, you were there for me. You were always there for me.”

He stared at the words on the stone. It looked so formal. Shed always been Sue. Simple, straightforward Sue.

“I know youre not in there. This sort of thing, its just a way of letting other people know you were around, that you were loved. Sometimes I feel you, and its such a strong feeling its as if I could turn around and there youd be. You always believed in stuff like that, in the possibilities of what we are.”

He rose, slid his hands into his pockets. “Im wondering what the hell I am. Ive screwed up. Not everything, just one vital thing. Ive got the one thing I always wanted, and I lost the one thing I didnt know I always needed. Id say maybe its cosmic justice. Maybe you just cant have it all. But youd give me that look.”

He gazed out toward the hills shed always loved, and the way the sky held a strong blue over the flame of the trees. “I dont know if I can fix it. Fact is, I dont know if I should even try.”

He closed his eyes a moment. “It hurts to be here. I guess its supposed to.” He touched his fingers to his lips, then pressed his fingers to the stone. “I love you. Ill come back.”

He turned, and stopped when he saw Dana standing on the edge of the access road, watching him.

He looked so sad, she thought. More than that, it was as if the sorrow had stripped away his defenses and left the emotions behind them open and raw. It was painful to see him this vulnerable, to understand that they both knew shed caught him unguarded in a moment meant to be private.

No longer sure what she would say, could say, she walked across the grass to stand with him by his mothers grave.

“Im sorry. I didnt want to… disturb you,” she began. “Thats why I was waiting over there.”

“Its all right.”

She looked down at the grave, the fresh flowers spread over the grass. Perhaps she did know what to say. “Flynn and I come here once a year.” She cleared her throat. “His father, my mother… and yours. We, ah, try to come right after the first real snowfall. Everythings so peaceful and white and clean. We bring her flowers.”

She shifted her gaze from the flowers and saw he was staring at her. “I thought youd like to know we always bring her flowers when we come.”

He didnt speak, but his eyes said everything. Then he simply lowered his forehead to hers.

They stood like that, silent, while the wind whipped around them and fluttered the petals of the pink carnations.

“Thanks.” He straightened slowly, as if he were afraid something in him might break. “Thank you.”

She nodded, and they stood, silent again, looking out at the hills.

“This is the first time Ive been out here since Ive been back,” he told her. “I never know what Im supposed to do-in a place like this.”

“You did it. Carnations are nice. Simple.” He let out a little laugh. “Yeah, that was my thought. Why are you here, Dana?”

“I had things to say to you, that maybe I didnt say the right way this morning.” “If its along the lines of we can still be friends, maybe you could wait a couple of days on that.”

“Not exactly. I dont know if this is the appropriate time or place to talk about this,” she began, “but after Malory finished reaming me out this morning, Idecidedshe had a few points, and that I owed you—myself—I owed both of us something better than the way I ended things.”

“I hurt you. I could see it on your face. I dont want to hurt you, Dana.”

“Too late for that.” She lifted her shoulders, let them fall. “You were careless with me, Jordan. You were careless and you were callous. And though I might have spent some happy hours over the years dreaming about paying you back in kind, I realize thats not really what I want. So my being careless and callous with you this morning wasnt any more satisfying for me than it was for you.”

“Why did you do it?”

“I went back last night, courtesy of Kane.” She frowned up at his pithy comment. “I dont think you should use that sort of language over your mothers grave.”

For some reason, the remark loosened a knot in his belly. “Shes heard it before.”

“Nevertheless.”

He, shrugged, and there was something of the boy shed loved in the gesture. Just enough of him to twist her heart again. “Where did you go?”

“I went back to the day you were packing to move to New York. I experienced it again. Watched my self experiencing it. It was very strange, and no less horrible knowing I was watching a rerun. It was like standing on both sides of a one-way mirror. Watching us, and still being a part of it. Everything you said to me, everything you didnt say to me, was just as painful as when it happened.”

“Im sorry.”

She tipped her face up to his, “I actually believe you are, which is why Im here rather than burning you in effigy. But you see, it hurt, all over again. And I have the right, I have the responsibility to myself, to step back from that. Im not willing to let my heart spill at your feet again, and I cant be with you and keep it intact. Maybe we can be friends, maybe we cant. But we cant be lovers. I just needed to explain that to you.”

When she stepped back, he laid a hand on her arm. “Would you walk with me?”

“Jordan—”

“Just walk with me for a few minutes. You said what you had to say. Im asking you to listen.” “All right.” She put her hands in her pockets to warm them, and to avoid contact with his.

“I didnt handle it well when my mother died.”

“I dont know that youre supposed to handle things like that well. My mothers buried over there.” She lifted a hand to gesture. “I dont really remember her. I dont remember losing her. But I miss her, and sometimes still I feel cheated. I have some of her things—a blouse my father saved that was her favorite, some of her jewelry, and photographs.

I like having them. The fact that I dont remember her, that I was too young to remember losing her, doesnt mean I dont understand what it was like for you. You wouldnt let me help.“

“Youre right. I wouldnt let you help. I didnt know how.” He took her arm briefly to steady her over the uneven ground, then let her go as they walked toward the trees.

“I loved her so much, Dana. Its not the sort of thing you think about every day when things are normal. I mean I didnt wake up every morning thinking, boy, I sure love my mother. But we were a unit.”

“I know.”

“When my father left us… well, I dont remember him very well either. But I remember that she was a rock. Not cold, not hard, just sturdy. She worked like a fucking dog, two jobs until we were out of the debt pit hed put her in.” Even now, he could almost taste the bitterness of it. “She mustve been so tired, but she always had time for me. Not just putting a meal on the table or handing me a clean shirt, but for me.”

“I know. She was so interested in everything you did, without breathing down your neck over it. I used to pretend she was my mother.”

He glanced down. “You did?”

“Yeah. You didnt think I was hanging around your house when I was a kid just to annoy you and Flynn and Brad, did you? I liked being around her. She smelled like a mother, and she laughed a lot. Shed look at you—sometimes shed just look over at you, and there was such love in her face, such pride. I wanted a mother who would look at me that way.”

It moved him to hear her say it, and the faint tang of bitterness washed away. “She never let me down. Not once. Not ever. She read everything I wrote, even when I was a kid. She saved a lot of it, and she would tell me that one day, when I was a famous writer, people would get a big kick out of reading my early stories. I dont know if I would be a writer today if it wasnt for her. Her steady, constant faith in me.”

“Shed be thrilled with what youve done.”

“She didnt live to see me published, not with a book. She wanted me to go to college. I wanted it, too, but I figured on putting it off a year or two, earning more money first. She laid down the law—and she was damn good at that when it was important to her. So I went.”

He was silent for a moment, and a cloud slipped over the sun, deadening the light. “I sent some money home, but not much. Wasnt that much to spare. I didnt come home as much as I should have. I got caught up. There was so much out there. Then I went to grad school. There were a lot of years I wasnt there for her.”

“Youre being too hard on yourself.”

“Am I? She put me first, every time. I couldve come back here sooner, earned a good living at the garage and taken some of the weight off her.”

She put a hand on his shoulder so he would turn and face her. “Thats not what she wanted for you. You know it wasnt. She was over the moon about what you were doing. When you had those stories published in magazines, she was thrilled.”

“I couldve written them here. I did write when I finally came home. I got my teeth into a book, wrote like a crazy man at night after work. When I wasnt being crazy over you, that is. I was going to do it all, have it all. Money, fame, the works.”

He spoke quickly now, as if the words had been dammed up too long. “I was going to move her out of that broken-down house, buy her someplace beautiful, up in the hills. She would never have to work again. She could garden or read, or whatever she wanted to do. I was going to take care of her. But I didnt. I couldnt.”

“Oh, Jordan. Youre not to blame for that.”

“Its not a matter of blame. She got sick. Id spent all that time away, now I was back, going to make it right. And she got sick. Just a little tired, shed say. Just a little achy. Getting old. And shed laugh. So she didnt go to the doctor in time. Money was tight, time off work was tough to get, so she didnt go until it was too late.”

Unable to hold out against it, she took his hand in hers. “It was terrible. What both of you went through was terrible.”

“I didnt pay attention, Dana. I was wrapped up in my own life, in what I wanted, what I needed. I didnt see that she was sick until she… Jesus, she sat me down and told me what theyd found inside her.”

“Its stupid to blame yourself for that. Stupid, Jordan, and shed tell you exactly that.”

“She probably would, and Ive come around to that since. But during it, after… It happened so fast. I know it took months, but it seemed so fast. The doctors, the hospital, the surgery, the chemo. Christ, she was so sick through that. I didnt know how to take care of her—”

“Wait. Just wait. You did take care of her. You stayed with her, you read to her. God, Jordan, you fed her when she couldnt feed herself. You were her rock then, Jordan. I saw it.”

“Dana, I was terrified, and I was angry, and I couldnt tell her. I locked it in because I didnt know what else to do.”

“You were barely in your twenties, and your world was crashing down around you.”

Even as she said it, she knew she hadnt understood that at the time, not completely.

“She was fading away in front of me, and I couldnt stop it. When we knew she was dying, when there wasnt much time—she was in such pain—she told me she was sorry she had to go, that she had to leave me. She said there wasnt a single day of my life she hadnt been proud of me, and grateful for me.

“I fell apart. I just lost it. Then she was gone. I dont know if I said good-bye, or told her Iloved her. I dont even know what I said or did.”

He turned back, walking once more toward the stones that bloomed out of the patchy grass. “Shed made all the arrangements already, so all I had to do was follow through. One foot in front of the other. The memorial service—the dress she wanted to wear, the music she wanted played. She had some insurance. Shed scraped money together for that every month. Christ knows how. There was enough to pay off most of the debts that had built up and give me some breathing room.”

“You were her child. She wanted to provide for you.”

“She did, in every possible way. I couldnt stay here, Dana. Not then. I couldnt live in that house and grieve for her every time I took a breath. I couldnt stay in this town, where I would see people I knew everywhere I went.

“Youd think it would be a comfort, the familiar. But for me it was constant pain. One minute Id feel like I was suffocating, the next like I was going to explode. I had to get away from it. I had to bury some of that pain the way. Id buried her.”

“You wouldnt talk to me about it.”

“I couldnt. If Id had the words, Id have choked on them. Im not saying it was right. It wasnt. But its the truth. I had to make something of myself, and I couldnt do it here. Or I believed I couldnt, so whats the difference?”

“You had to go,” she murmured, “or you wouldnt be who you are.” How could it have taken her so long to see that?

“I hated what I was here, and I was afraid of what I would become if I stayed. I saw myself working in the garage day after day, year after year, and throwing away everything shed worked for, everything shed wanted for me because I couldnt do any better. I was angry and in pain, so wrapped up in both I didnt give a damn about anything else.”

He came back to the edge of his mothers grave, stared down at the flowers. “I didnt know you loved me. I dont know what Id have done differently if I had, but I didnt know. You always seemed so strong, so sure of yourself, so easy with the way things were, that I didnt see inside that.“

He reached out to brush the hair back from her cheek, then dropped his hand again. “Maybe I didnt want to.

With all that happened to her, I didnt have any room to love anyone. But I hurt you, and I meant to. Because it was easier on me if you walked away. Im ashamed of that, and Im sorry for it. You deserved better.”

“I dont know what to say to you. It helps, hearing all this. I know it wasnt easy to tell me.”

“Dont cry, Dana. It rips me.”

“Its a little tough to get through otherwise.” But she swiped her fingers under her eyes. “We were young, Jordan, and we both made mistakes. We cant change what happened, but we can put it in place and try to be friends again.”

“Were grown up now, and weve got today to deal with. You want to be friends, Ill be your friend.“

“Okay.” She managed a wobbly smile and held out a hand.

“Theres just one more thing you need to know.” He clasped her fingers firmly in his. “Im in love with you.”

“Oh.” Her already unsteady heart stumbled. “God.”

“I never got over you. Whatever I felt for you back then, it was like the root. Time went on, Id keep trying to kill that root, but it wouldnt die. Id breeze back into town to see Flynn, catch a glimpse of you, or youd take a shot at me, and what was growing on that root would nudge a little further up from the ground.”

“Damn it, Jordan. Damn it.”

Whatever it cost him, he had to get it out. “This last time, when I knocked on Flynns door and you opened it, it was like that vine shot up another ten feet and wrapped around my throat. Im in love with you, Dana. I cant kill it off, and I wouldnt if I could. So, Im spilling my heart at your feet this time. Its yours, whatever you do with it.”

“What do you think Im going to do, you jackass?” She leaped into his arms. Relief, joy, pleasure rushed through him like a flood as he buried his face in her hair. “Thats what I was hoping youd say.”

THE first thing Dana heard when she walked back into Indulgence was arguing. Just one of the essential elements, in her opinion, that made a house a home. She cocked an ear toward her section of the building, and held up a hand for quiet when Jordan stepped in behind her.

“Im not going to hurt myself. Im perfectly capable of running an electric sander. You just dont want anyone else to play with it.”

“In the first place, its not a toy.” There was such chilly exasperation in Brads voice that Dana had to muffle a snort. “In the second, once Ive finished this area—which I would already have done if you didnt keep nagging—”

“I dont nag.” There were equal parts venom and insult inZoes response.

Dana gave Jordans arm a tug. “You go referee the Irritable Twins,” she whispered. “I need to talk to Malory.”

“Why cant I talk to Malory?”

“A real man wouldnt be afraid to—”

“Oh, stop that.” He hunched his shoulders, jammed his hands in his pockets, and strode off in the direction of the spat.

Dana buffed her nails on her jacket. “Works every time.” Then she huffed out a .breath, squared her own shoulders, and headed in the opposite direction to swallow her serving of crow.

The walls in what would be Malorys main showroom were finished. And looked, Dana decided, just swell. She could hear the music from the radio jingling out from the room beyond, and Malorys singing along with BonnieRaitt .

She was also, Dana noted as she stepped in, grooving. As Malory swiped the roller up and down, her hips bumped to the jumpy Delta beat.

“You got that up so loud just to keep up your rhythm, or to block out the sexual tension from across the hall?”

Malory turned, set down her roller to give her arms a rest. “A little of both. Howre you doing?”

“How do I look?”

“Better.” Malory took a closer study. “In fact, you look pretty damn good.” “I feel pretty damn good. First, Im sorry. I was feeling miserable and I took it out on you. You were only trying to help.”

“Friends do that. Take their moods out on each other, and try to help. Both of you looked so unhappy, Dana.”

“Well, we were. We had reason to be. Whatever Kanes motives, he showed me the truth. I couldnt just bury what happened before, all that hurt. It had to be dealt with, taken out, looked at. Understood, at least.”

“Youre right.”

“No, you were right.” She peeled off her jacket, tossed it on the window ledge. “I wasnt dealing with it, not by starting things up with Jordan again, or cutting them off. I just had it buried in a very shallow grave. We both did.”

“You needed time together first, to get to know each other again.”

“Youre right. Youre batting a thousand today.”

“Though Ive never understood exactly what that means, let me see if I can keep it up. You went to see Jordan, you talked some of this out, and you reached the understanding, at last, that youre in love with each other.”

“Sign her up. He loves me.” When Danas eyes filled, Malory whipped the kerchief off her head and rushed over to offer it. “Thanks. He said things to me he didnt say before. Couldnt say, or wouldnt. I dont guess it matters. He wasnt ready, and if Im going to be honest about it, we werent ready. I loved him, but that wasnt enough to let me see what he was going through, what he needed. What I needed, for that matter. It was blinding, so all I could see was „I want Jordan. Period. I never thought about what wed do together, or be together, what either of us needed to do separately to make it strong. It was all just right that minute.”

“You were young, and in love.” Malory took the kerchief back and dried her own eyes.

“Yeah, I was. I loved him with everything I had. But I have more now. And its so amazing, really, to be able to take one step back and look at the man he is, the man hes made of himself and realize hes more. To know it was worth the wait.”

“Dana.”

Her damp eyes went wide on Malorys face, then she blinked rapidly before turning to where Jordan stood in the doorway. “This is girl stuff here.”

“Dana.” He said her name again, then crossed to her. She saw the emotion swirling in his eyes, blazing in the blue before his arms banded around her. He hitched her up to her toes as his mouth swooped down to hers.

“Oh.” Undone, Malory buried her face in the kerchief.

“Okay, Id just like to say—”Zoe stormed halfway into the room before she skidded to a halt. Staring at the couple wrapped in each other, she pressed a hand to her heart. “Oh.” She reached back to dig the bandanna out of her pocket, but Brad stepped up beside her, pushed his into her hand.

“Thanks.” She sniffled into it. “But I did have my own.”

“Shut up,Zoe .”

Because the moment was too precious to spoil, she did.

Jordan eased back. “Theres something I have to do.”

Her eyebrow winged up, and her smile was quick and wicked. “Right here? In front of all our friends?”

“Cool,” was Brads response, which earned himZoes elbow in his belly.

“This isnt the time for gutter thoughts.”

“Its always the time.”

“Ignore them,” Jordan murmured and pressed his lips to Danas forehead.

“I am.”

“Theres something I have to do,” he said again. “So I have to renege on giving you a hand around here today.”

“But—”

“Its important,” he interrupted. “Ill explain it tonight.”

“We all need to get together tonight and go over what you wrote. Im running out of time.”

“Why dont we meet at Flynns? Its the most central.” He glanced over. “Is that okay with you, Malory?”

“Sure. The kitchens not finished yet, so we wont get food like we did at Brads. Actually, even with the kitchen finished we wouldnt get food like we had at Brads.”

“Pizza and beer works for me,” Dana said. “Thats my girl.” Jordan kissed her again. “Ill see you there.”

“Youve got something up your sleeve.” Dana narrowed her eyes. “I can see it. If youre thinking about messing with Kane—”

“Hes got nothing to do with this. Ive got to go, or Im not going to get it all done. Brad, youre coming with me.”

“I havent finished here.”

“You go. Take him,”Zoe said, pointing at Brad. “Leave the sander. All will be well here.”

“Youre not hauling that thing upstairs by yourself.”

“Its not that heavy, and Im not that weak.”

“Youre not carrying it up those stairs.”

“Jesus, Vane, cart the thing up and be done with it.” Grinning, Jordan slung his arm around Danas shoulder. “Dont you know how to handle a woman?”

“Kiss my ass.” Brad turned on his heel and strode away.

“I can do it myself,”Zoe began.

“Zoe.” Basking in the glow of love rediscovered, Dana shook her head. “Stop being a jerk.”

“I cant help it.”Zoe lifted her hands, let them fall. “He brings out the jerk in me.” She heard him cursing under his breath as he carried the sander toward the steps, and folded her arms over her chest. “Im not going to say anything. Im not going to do anything.”

“Good plan. Why dont you grab a roller?” Malory suggested. “We can finish in here, then start upstairs.”

“Can I just say you women are doing a hell of a job with this place?”

“There, see?” Delighted,Zoe walked over and gave Jordan a loud kiss on the cheek. “Heres a secure man who has respect for a womans abilities.”

“Absolutely. Nothing sexier than a self-sufficient woman.”

“Lap it up, Hawke, lap it up.” Dana nudged him aside. “Now take your playmate and run along. Weve got work to do.”

She waited until Jordan and Brad had gone out, then dashed to the window to spy on them. “Whats he up to? Yeah, yeah, Brads asking him what gives right now. I can tell. But hes not saying. Hes not saying because he knows Im standing here watching. Damn it!”

She jerked back with a laugh as Jordan looked straight at her through the glass. “You just cant pull one over on Jordan. God, I love that about him.”

“Im so happy for you.” Malory sighed. “And if were not careful, were going to start another weep-o-rama.”

“Since Ive leaked more in this one day than I have the entire past year, lets paint.” Dana turned, gave her biceps an exaggerated flex. “Hes right, you know. Were doing a hell of a job with this place.”

THEY worked downstairs until the walls were done, then took a coffee break, sitting on the floor to admire them. “The floors in Danas section need to be damp-mopped. You need a clean surface before theyre sealed.”

“I dont know how the sealing part goes.”

“Its easy,”Zoe told her. “Ill show you. Once theyre sealed, dried good and hard, you can start moving stuff in.”

“Wow!” Since Danas stomach jumped, she pressed a hand to it. “It gets more real every day. I ordered the shelves. If they get here when theyre supposed to, along with the other stuff I ordered—and the first shipments of books—I should be setting up in a couple of weeks. Maybe less. And I have a potential employee.”

“You didnt say anything about that.”Zoe punched her lightly on the arm. “Who is it?”

“Its a woman I met when I was working in the library. I ran into her at the grocery store, and one thing led to another. Shes personable, presentable, likes to read, wants a job, and isnt looking for a big salary. Shes going to come by sometime and get a look at the place. If she doesnt run screaming, I think Ive got myself a bookseller.”

“Zoe, how soon do you think I can start moving stock in?” Malory asked.

“I think next week.”Zoe sipped coffee, glanced around the room. “Its all coming together so well, I dont want to jinx it, but I really think next week. Its going to take me a little longer. Theres more to set up in a salon. And we still have to replace some of these windows. Plus theres going to be a good, long list of punch-out work.”

“I love it when she talks the manly talk,” Dana commented. “Now lets go up and play with the sander like men.”

“First,”Zoe said in a fair imitation of Brads most clipped tone, “its not a toy.”

“Jeez.” Dana laughed her way to her feet. “You slay me.”