Let Love Heal

11

“Melanie! Wake up, girl. You’re going to miss your midterm. Come on.” Peyton’s not-so-gentle wake-up call includes yelling in my ear and shaking me somewhat violently. “Let’s go, Melanie. If you don’t get your ass out of bed right now, I’m going to get the ice water … again.”

I lamely roll to my side and face her. Glaring at her from under my forearm,which is draped across my face, I give her the side-eye. “You wouldn’t.”

Her face lights up playfully. “Oh, but I would. Let’s go.”

Instead of getting out of bed, I roll back over and face the wall. Grumbling incoherent nonsense at Peyton’s craziness, I don’t even hear her leave the room.

But when the freezing cold water comes splashing down on me, I know that she’s returned. “What the freak! I can’t believe you just did that!” I screech as I jump out of my now drenched bed.

“Well, I did.” She stands with her hands on her hips sticking her tongue out at me. “I’ve had enough of this moping around and not-doing-shit business. You haven’t done much of anything these last six weeks and I can pretty much guarantee you that if I didn’t wake you up, you’d be missing another midterm.” She rolls her eyes at me as I stand before her wringing out my soaked pajama shirt.

“Fine. I’m up. Are you happy now?” I snap sarcastically.

“Thrilled, actually. Now get your ass out of here in the next ten minutes and I’ll be ecstatic,” she bites back as she starts tapping the face of her watch. When she stalks out of the room and closes the door behind her, I flip her off.

As I get ready for my last midterm before spring break, I think back over the last six weeks and realize that Peyton is not entirely wrong. I have been in a funk. Well, actually to call it a funk is quite an understatement. My grades have slipped. My attitude sucks. I’m angry most of the time, and when I’m not angry, I’m depressed. The real kicker is that the only person to be blamed for all of this is me.

Bryan’s words about not being able to love myself and of not having enough faith in who I am as a person repeat on a continuous loop in my head. And, in these last six weeks, I have replayed the last eighteen years of my life through the lens of those words.

Did I not have many friends in middle school because the kids were mean? Or was it because I was just too insecure to meet new people? Was the reason I didn’t date in high school because no one was interested? Or was it because I would never let anyone close enough because I was so afraid to show them the real me? Is my complete inability to receive a compliment a result of me not feeling that way about myself in the first place?

I’ve been so open and loving to all of the important people in my life – my mom, Maddy and even Reid in a weird brother-sister kind of way. I’m always there whenever anyone else needs me, but it’s possible that I’ve left out one very important person – me.

Why can’t I love myself the way I love my friends and family? Why can’t I see myself the way that they see me?

Why can’t I see me the way Bryan saw me?

Lost in my world of what-ifs, I don’t realize that my ten minutes to get ready is coming to a close. When Peyton starts banging on the door, I call out, “Okay. Okay. I’m coming.”

I grab my bag and head out the door telling Peyton that I’ll be back around noon. She’s driving me home today for spring break. Since Elmira is on her way, she offered to bring me home. I didn’t want my mom to have to deal with the inconvenience, so I took Peyton up on her generosity.

Maybe it wouldn’t have been such an inconvenience to Mom, anyway. Maybe I just see myself as an inconvenience.

Maybe it is time to stop seeing myself as worthless. Maybe it is time to start seeing the value in myself.

Maybe.

My mini pep talk helps to lift my spirits a little, and as I settle into my desk for my mid-term, I catch a glimmer of hope dangling out in the horizon.

As I step out onto the quad after my exam, I breathe in the cool spring air and feel rejuvenated in a way. Walking back to the suite, I think over my mid-term and I feel okay about it. I don’t think I aced it, but I doubt that I failed it. Laughing at myself, I realize that how I feel about my test is rather appropriate for how I feel about my life too.

I’m sort of stuck in this hazy, grey, no-man’s-land. I’m not moving forward, not fixing anything. I simply exist. I haven’t bothered talking to Bryan since we broke up. There’d be no point. I even resigned from the computer lab right after we broke up. Being around him almost every day was just going to be utter torture for both of us, so to be fair to him, I left.

As I walk past a tree under which Bryan and I often had lunch together last fall, I see new leaves springing to life. This winter was harsh in more ways than one. The snow and cold were unbearable at times as was the emptiness that grew in my chest. As April rolls in, the weather is warming slightly. As the sun is shining a bit more often, I wonder if it’s time for me to change too.

Regardless of whether or not my future holds a chance with Bryan, like he said, I need to fix me for me. And if this newer and better version of Melanie has even a sliver of hope to get Bryan back, then that’ll just be the icing on the cake.

This transformation isn’t going to happen overnight; of that much I’m sure. Scary though it may be, it’s a change that I know will be for the better.

“What’s up with you?” Peyton chirps across the cabin of her small black sedan.

“Huh? What do you mean?” I twist toward her, genuinely confused by her question.

She huffs at me and leans her elbow on the door as she turns to face me as well. “You’ve been a real lump lately. And now today, you’re actually smiling. That’s after I dowsed you with water, too. So, what’s up with that?”

I shrug my shoulders and answer a non-committal, “I don’t know.”

I already told her about Bryan. There’s only so much crying you can do in front of someone else before they call you out on it and make you talk. She was pretty great about it too. Nothing was sugarcoated in “everything will be okay and he’ll take you back tomorrow” frosting. No, in true Peyton fashion, she told me that the whole situation sucked ass and that she hoped I could be happy again soon.

“Oh, cut the shit, come on. We’ve got an hour or so to kill on this car ride, so talk. What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?” She reaches across and pats my head with this big dopey grin on her face. I can’t help but laugh at her.

I roll my eyes and give in. It’ll be one hell of a long hour with her bugging me like this. “I was just thinking about something that Bryan said to me. He told me that I needed to learn how to love myself, that part of the reason he couldn’t be with me was because I didn’t have enough faith in who I am to be able to have faith in our relationship.” I shrug my shoulders again and straighten in my seat. “I’m just thinking he might be right.”

As she changes the station on the radio, she doesn’t say anything, but she seems like she’s lost in thought. When she settles on some 80s rock station, she stares out of the front window and avoids my eyes.

“I think he’s right too,” she says softly. “I know we’re not super close or anything like that, but from what I see, I have to agree with Bryan. Hell, I’ve tried to get to know you better in the last few months, but you’re always on guard, always concerned about what I’m going to think about you or say to you.” Awkwardness stretches between us before she adds, “I think you’re pretty cool, Melanie, but what I think doesn’t matter. Your opinion of yourself is the most important one out there. And I can tell that you don’t regard yourself all that highly.” She faces me again and says, “Maybe if you stop worrying about the Melanie that you think everyone else sees, you’ll grow to love the Melanie who is already there.”

There it is again – maybe.

“You’re right, Peyton,” I sigh and inwardly yell at myself for wasting so much time hating who I am. “I’ve compared myself to other people for too long. But I’m not them; I’m me.” Staring back out the window, watching the world pass me by, I mutter, “Now, I just have to figure out who me is.”

Since it’s late Friday afternoon, I don’t expect anyone to be home. So when Peyton pulls into the packed driveway, I’m more than a little surprised.

“What and they didn’t roll out the red carpet?” Peyton laughs and pokes me in the arm. “That’s one hell of a welcome home party.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” I unplug my phone from the charger and grab my purse. “It’s just my mom and her best friend Linda and Maddy. I don’t know whose car that is.” I tip my chin at the black SUV parked next to my mom’s car. “Do you want to come in for a few minutes and meet everyone?” I want to make up for keeping her at a distance, but I also understand why she might not want to join me. I catch her eye the clock, and realize that if she comes in for a while, she’ll have to drive through the night.

“Nah, it’s okay. I should just drive straight through. I’ve got another five hours ahead of me.” Peyton reaches for the gearshift and I feel like a huge dork for not even thinking about that.

“So stay the night. Please? It’ll be fun.” I clasp my hands together in front of me practically begging her to give in.

I feel like a kid in a candy store when she moves her hand from the shifter and kills the engine. “Alright, fine. I’m in.” Peyton’s nonchalance is bypassed by the smile that pulls at her lips.

Before we can even get our bags out of the car, Maddy comes barreling down the front stairs and races right into me. “Mel! I missed you so much,” Maddy mumbles her words as she wraps her arms tightly around me. When I feel her growing baby-bump against my own belly, I pull away from her and hold her at arm’s length. “Wow, Maddy. You look …” Words fail me as happiness washes over me.

Misunderstanding my pause, Maddy swats her hand in front of her and says, “Huge, right! I can’t believe I’m only half way there. I’m only going to get bigger.” Her hands automatically move to cover her belly.

“No, you look beautiful.” I can’t hold back the single tear that trickles down my cheek. I step to her side and introduce Peyton. After sharing an awkward “hi”, we all walk inside where Maddy warns me that Mom, Linda - who I’ve missed almost as much as Mom, -and someone else who she knows I’ll be very excited to meet, are all waiting for me. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her, but that conspiratorial glint in her eye tells me that something is up.

Stepping through the door, an overwhelming sense of home engulfs me. I know it seems crazy, but even the air just feels different in here. When Mom catches sight of me, her arms are around my waist in an instant. “Oh Melly Belly! I missed you, baby.” Feeling her tight embrace makes me regret every phone call I’ve avoided making in recent weeks; it makes me cringe thinking about all the times I didn’t pick up her calls. “I missed you too, Mom.” Before we can say anything else, Linda pulls me into her arms and carries on and on about how I need to come home more often. I realize that Peyton is still standing in the door way waiting for me.

“Oh, jeez. Sorry about that, Peyton.” I step to the side and pull Peyton into the room a little more. “Mom, Linda, this is my new roommate, Peyton. She’s going to stay the night and drive home in the morning.” Peyton waves meekly at them and squeaks out a hello. She really is a tough nut to crack – all outspoken and quirky one minute and then shy and quiet the next. Peyton quickly excuses herself to the bathroom and Mom pulls me into the kitchen.

The man standing at the stove cooking something looks vaguely familiar, but I just can’t place him right away. As we walk toward him, he wipes his hands on a dishtowel that’s draped over his shoulder. His kind grey eyes shine at Mom as she approaches him. “Melanie, I’d like you to meet Evan.”

He extends his hand toward me and shakes mine firmly. “Hi, Melanie. It’s good to see you again.”

See me, again?

“Hi, Evan,” I say, but it comes out sounding more like a question than a statement.

Mom notices the clumsiness of the conversation and chimes in to clarify. “Evan is Reid’s stepdad’s brother. You met him back in December, remember?” It feels like way more than just a few months has passed since then, but once she mentions it, I do remember him.

And then as Mom steps next to Evan and he gently pulls her to his side, another kind of awareness dawns on me. “Oh my God!” I point between the two of them rapidly. “Are you two …?” I feel like the world just tilted off its axis. My Mom, the woman who swore off dating for years, has finally found someone!

“Yes, we are, Melanie,” Mom says sternly as she looks up to Evan for reassurance. I think she’s mistaken my shock for anger, but that’s the last thing I’m feeling. Sure, I don’t know much about Evan, but I saw how he looked at her when she walked into the room. I see the way he’s holding her close to his side. I’m not an idiot.

She’s happy. That’s all I need to know.

A warm feeling blooms in my heart and a smile splits my face. “Well, it’s about freaking time.” I wrap my arms around her and squeeze her as tightly as I can. I feel her exhale deeply on a sigh as she relaxes. The three of us don’t get much time to chat as Reid walking through the door interrupts our conversation.

Watching him hug Maddy, while gently rubbing her growing belly, makes my heart skip a beat. In the thirty minutes that I’ve been home, I feel like my heart has been recharged. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Peyton excuse herself from a conversation with Linda. When she stands next to me, she whispers, “So that must be the baby daddy, huh?” Elbowing me in the ribs, we share a giggle and make our way over to the happy couple for one last introduction.

Reid walks away from Maddy and pulls me into a tight embrace. “Hey, Mel. I’ve missed you.”

“Me, too Reid. It’s so good to see you.” In the time that he’s been with Maddy, Reid really has become like a brother to me. All of these years, I wished for siblings. Now, that I finally have them, even if not by blood, I feel like the luckiest person on earth.

“How about lunch sometime this week? I’d love to come and see you at work, maybe catch up with Dylan too.” I miss my weekly lunch dates with Reid and I’m mad at myself for letting too much time go by since I’ve seen him.

“Nothing would make me happier, Mel.” Reid smiles down at me before we catch a suspicious glare from Maddy.

She snickers as she was over to us. “My God! You two are in the same room for less than two minutes and already you’re scheming something.” I could deny her accusation; I could tell her we’re just planning a regular lunch, but where’s the fun in that.

Reid and I exchange a conspiratorial wink and Maddy huffs at us.

Before long, Evan and Mom call everyone into the kitchen to grab some dinner. Apparently as a retired New York City Firefighter, Evan is a culinary whiz and knows how to make one hell of a baked ziti. Dinner is fantastic and not just because the food is great. Everyone is chatting lively and laughing at each other. Even Peyton joins in on the conversation.

I can’t help but smile at Mom and Evan exchanging sweet looks at each other. If I’m not mistaken, I think they’re holding hands under the table too. I am so going to have to get the run down on them later, but for now, I think I’ll keep my mouth shut and not embarrass Mom.

Around eight o’clock, Linda starts to leave and Maddy and Reid follow her. Maddy shares a sly wink with me as she walks out the door. She let me in on her little plan to throw Reid a surprise party in a few weeks to celebrate his new job. I love that I finally get the chance to help her pull a fast one over on him.

Mom and Evan are still in the kitchen cleaning up when Peyton sits next to me on the couch. “So what gives?” she prods, but I don’t know what she’s getting at.

“What do you mean?” I ask as I absentmindedly flip through the channels.

“Well, with all that ‘Melanie doesn’t love herself’ crap, I just figured you were from some kind of broken home or something like that.” She pauses to survey the room before her eyes settle back on me. “But this place is pretty great and you clearly have a bunch of people who really love you.” As she tucks both of her legs underneath her body, she adds, “So, I ask again, what gives?”

Dumbstruck, I can’t think of a single logical explanation. So I simply say, “I don’t know, Peyton. I just don’t know.”

An “ahem” from behind us, interrupts our non-conversation and Peyton stands from the couch. Mom and Evan must be done in the kitchen and they’re now standing behind us. “I’m going to go grab a shower and get ready for bed. I want to hit the road early tomorrow.” I nod as she walks past me. “It was nice meeting you guys. Thanks for having me.”

“You’re welcome here anytime, Peyton.” Mom gives Peyton a small smile and Evan nods at her as she climbs the stairs.

Grabbing his coat from the rack in the entry way, Evan says, “Alright, Lucy. I think I’m going to head home too. I’ll let you girls catch up.” I get up to say goodbye and Evan tells me, “It was really great to see you, Melanie. Hopefully the three of us can get together before you have to go back.” Evan extends his hand to me once again and I politely shake it in return.

I excuse myself and allow them a little privacy for whatever they might have to say to each other. But, peering out of the kitchen, I can’t help but catch a glimpse of Evan tucking Mom’s hair behind her ear and kissing her tenderly on her cheek. When she places her hand on his chest as she leans up on her toes to reach his lips, I feel another piece of my heart come back together.

The door closes and I hear Mom walk into the kitchen. “Can I make you some tea, Mom?” She knows what I really mean to say is “Sit your butt down and fill me in on every single detail.”

“I think I’ll pass on the inquisition for tonight, Mel.” She laughs as she gets a dishwasher tablet from under the sink. Loading one last dish and popping the tablet into its slot, she closes the door and hits the start button. Conversation would be pointless now over the loud humming and whirring of our ancient dishwasher.

When she smirks at me, I know that was her plan. She’s a smart one! Wrapping my arm around her waist as we walk out of the kitchen and up the stairs to our rooms, I tell her, “Fine. You’re off the hook for tonight, but tomorrow I want to know everything.”

She squeezes me back and kisses the top of my head when we get to the top landing. “You got it. Love you.”

“I love you too, Mom.” I stand there and watch her walk down the hallway toward her room and all I can think about is Peyton’s question from earlier.

Surrounded by Mom’s love daily, how is it that I never learned to love myself?

12

Peyton is up around six the next morning and she leaves before Mom even gets up. Needless to say, Mom is disappointed. “I wanted to get to know her better.” She shrugs her shoulders and adds, “Maybe next time, huh?” Reaching for the coffee pot as it beeps, she offers me a mug. We sit at the table sipping our coffee for a few minutes before I finally break down and start grilling her about Evan.

“He’s cute.” I drop that out there and wait to see what happens.

Before she asks, “Who?” her eyes shimmer with the tiniest flash of happiness.

Fine, I’ll bend first. “Evan. Besides, Reid was the only other guy here last night and that would just be weird.” I shiver and make a gross throw up sound in my throat. She giggles at me and I reach out to grasp her forearm. “I’m really happy for you, Mom.”

When it seems like she finally believes me, she relaxes and her face takes on this dreamy, far-away look. “He is pretty cute, huh?” It’s like she’s a teenager all over again.

“Well, sure. If you like salt and pepper hair, a chiseled face and a muscular body, I’d say so!” I raise an eyebrow as I take a sip of my coffee. Swatting my arm, Mom’s cheeks turn pink.

Over the next hour, we catch up on pretty much everything. It turns out that she’s been seeing Evan since the end of December. He’s never been married and doesn’t have any kids of his own, so both he and Mom were good with taking things slow to start. As she tells me about him, I can see her face light up. I seriously hope that things work out for them.

“So then do you see a future with him or are you still in the ‘taking it slow’ mode?” I ask cautiously. I don’t want to scare her from sharing.

She sighs and slumps in her chair a little. “Oh, I don’t know. It just seems like such a fuss to change how things are. He’s got his life and I’ve got mine. That’s good enough for me.” I can tell that her words belie her true feelings.

“But what if your life and his life came together somehow. Maybe it could be some kind of ‘our’ life.” I use air quotes around the word “our” and she laughs at my silliness.

Pulling her mug up to her lips, she mumbles against the rim of the glass, “Ehh, who knows? Maybe, someday.” Knowing all too well how it feels to be pushed into talking about something that you just do not want to talk about, I leave well enough alone.

I get up to pour us another cup of coffee. As I begin making some English muffins, I ask something that’s been on my mind since last night. “How old is he anyway? He seems kind of young to be retired already.” I push the button on the toaster and lean against the counter, waiting for her to answer.

“He retired early,” she says curtly, but sadly.

“Oh, how come?” I question as I walk the two steps to the refrigerator to put back the bag of muffins and get out the butter.

“9/11.” Her words come out at the same time that the toaster pops, but I sink into my seat rather than finish making our breakfast.

“Was he hurt?” I place my hand over hers as a sad look takes up residence on her face.

“Yes, but not how you’re thinking.” In true ‘mom’ fashion, she gets up from the table and finishes making me breakfast. Sliding our mugs back in front of us and sharing the plate with our English muffins, she tells me Evan’s story.

“He wasn’t even working that day, actually. He was out for a run that morning. You were only five at the time, so I’m sure you don’t remember, but it was a beautiful fall day.” She’s right. I don’t remember.

All I remember was being picked up from school early; I was in kindergarten. When I saw Mom walking down the hallway to me, I thought it was the best day ever. And it was in a lot of ways. We had ice cream for dinner and cuddled on the couch for hours. It seemed like she didn’t want to let me go. When I asked her to read me another bedtime story, after she had already read four of them, she didn’t argue. She just grabbed another princess book, held me on her lap and read to me until I fell asleep in her arms. Looking back on it, I now realize why those things occurred, but at the time, I just thought it was like getting an extra birthday or Christmas.

“Well, when he came home from his run, he saw the news and immediately left for work. By that point, all of the bridges and tunnels into Manhattan were closed for traffic, so he had to walk through the Lincoln Tunnel. By the time he got there, the buildings were already gone. So were thousands of people.” A stray tear streaks down her cheek, which she quickly wipes away.

“Evan spent the next few weeks at The Pile. That’s what the firemen and volunteers called it, even though the rest of us only knew it as Ground Zero.” Mom tucks a piece of hair behind her ear and takes a bite out of our now cold breakfast. “Sorting through all of that rubble damaged his lungs. Finding the remains of his co-workers, the people who were his only family, well, that took a toll on his soul, too.” Mom blinks back a few more tears, and with an emotion-filled, wobbly voice, she continues. “He was lucky enough to beat the lung cancer, but the stress of digging up body parts, that’s what he couldn’t handle. He eventually filed with the medical office and was cleared for early retirement.” Unable to hold in her emotion any longer, the sobs take over her small body. I immediately move to hold her, unable to contain my own sadness.

After we’ve both calmed, I hand her a napkin so that she can blow her nose. “You’ve both been through so much.” My words are barely a whisper, but I know she hears them.

“What do you mean? He’s been through more than anyone should ever have to go through,” she says as she wipes a final tear from her eye.

Taking a deep breath, I garner the courage to ask something that has plagued my thoughts since I was old enough to think them. “You lost Dad so long ago, though. And then all you had was me. Weren’t you sad all that time? Weren’t you always missing something?” Thick emotion chokes the last few words in my throat.

Mom wastes no time and pulls me into her arms. Brushing her fingers through my hair, she shushes me, but lets me cry until my eyes are dry. Pulling away from me, she looks into my eyes, which I’m sure are puffy and red from all the crying. “Of course I miss your father. I love him very much and he’ll always have a piece of my heart, but I don’t ever want you to think that my life wasn’t complete because it was just the two of us.” Pushing my curls behind my ear, she presses her lips to my forehead and smiles lovingly. “You are the best thing that has ever happened in my life. Being your mom has brought me so much joy and happiness that I can’t ever imagine doing anything more important with my life.” She kisses my forehead again as I wrap my arms around her and hug her with all my love.

We stay like that, comfortably wrapped in each other’s arms, for a few more minutes until the sadness evaporates. Breaking the embrace, I tell her that I love her. “And I love you more than you’ll ever know, Melanie.” It’s the look in her eyes as she says those words that mends another piece of my broken heart. Over the years, I really did feel like she was wasting her life on me. I felt like she deserved so much more happiness than the life we had together, like her life was on hold because of me.

It turns out that I was her life.

What about now, though? With that though in my mind, I hit reverse on the conversation and loop back around to an earlier point.

“So don’t you think you deserve all of that happiness that you missed out on with Dad? I mean, Evan is pretty great from what I can tell. And I know that he makes you happy. Why waste all of this time saying things like ‘maybe someday’.” I use the air quotes again and she laughs, again. But then she sighs in a rather resigned fashion.

“What if he doesn’t feel the same way though?” Wait a damn second! Did my mom, the greatest woman ever made, actually just voice an insecurity?

She has got to be kidding.

“Mom,” I say the word with added emphasis just to make sure that she’s really listening to me. “I saw how he looked at you last night. Hell, he freaking made dinner for all of us and acted as if he’s always been a part of this crazy-ass family. And don’t think I didn’t see you two hold hands under the table.”

She opens her mouth to protest and I just waggle my finger in her face. “Oh, don’t even think of denying it. I saw you.” She moves her mug to her lips again knowing that anything she says will just be used against her anyway. “And I think he feels the same way about you that you do about him.”

“But what about you, Melanie,” she says hesitantly.

I hold my hands out to the side as I shrug my shoulders. “What about me, Mom? I’m good. I’ve got great roommates and a life of my own away at school. You don’t have to worry about me; I promise.” For added assurance, I make a crossing motion over my heart. Holding out my pinky to her, I say, “Pinky swear.”

“Okay, fine,” she laughs as she hooks her pinky around mine and we ‘shake’ on it. “So you’re going to go for it with Evan?” Giddiness accompanies my words as I bounce in my chair.

“Yeah, I’ll give it a shot,” she mumbles, but I can see the excitement in her eyes.

Mom stands to wash out her coffee mug and she asks, “Speaking of boyfriends, how’s Bryan? What’s going on with you two?” Yep, I’m that jerk of a daughter who doesn’t even keep her own mother up to date on what most would consider a fairly important piece of information.

“We broke up.” I opt for the “rip the Band-Aid off in one fell swoop” approach and hope she doesn’t prod too much. But this is my mom, after all.

Her face falls as she sinks back into her chair. “Oh no! What happened? When? Why didn’t you tell me? Are you okay?”

So prodding it is, then.

I’m so not going to get into the whole cheating thing. We’re close and all, but I don’t need to talk about that with my mom. Opting for short and evasive, I answer all of her questions at once. “Things just didn’t work out. About six weeks ago. Life got crazy. And yes, I’m fine.”

She’s onto me and arches an eyebrow as she smirks. Holding her hands up in front of her chest, she surrenders. “Okay, fine. I won’t push. I’m here for you though.” She smiles and stands from the table. Kissing me on the top of my head, she asks if I want to join her and Linda in a fun filled day of yard sale shopping.

“Um, no thanks. I’ll pass, but you two have fun.” She hears the sarcasm in my words and rolls her eyes. “I think I’ll call Maddy and see what she’s up to.”

“Okay, you two have fun, too,” Mom says happily as she walks up the stairs.

I have to laugh because the only difference between Mom and Linda going to a few yard sales and Maddy and I strolling through the mall is about twenty-five years.

After about two hours of pointless shopping, we walk past a Starbucks and Maddy pulls me inside. “I need to sit. My ankles are swelling like crazy.” I glance down at her feet, and even though they look fine to me, I choose not to argue with the pregnant lady.

After we each get a chocolate chip cookie and an iced tea, we sit in a small table off to the side, away from anyone else. That’s when Maddy’s plan comes into focus. She doesn’t say anything; she knows better than that. I’ll just answer what she asks. Instead, she gives me the death-ray stare, indicating that she wants to know everything.

I pop a piece of cookie into my mouth and stare back at her. She doesn’t relent, so I roll my eyes and sigh. “Fine! I’ll talk.” Maddy leans forward across the table, well, as far as her protruding belly will allow her. “He broke up with me,” I admit shamefully. Even though she reaches for my hand comfortingly, the look that passes across her face conveys that she’d figured as much.

“I’m sorry, sweetie.” Her eyes crinkle in the corners as she squeezes my hand. “Why haven’t you called? You know I’m here for you, right?”

I take a sip of my drink and chew nervously on the straw. “I don’t know, Maddy. I was embarrassed and ashamed. Honestly, I was too sad to do much of anything.” I take a deep breath before admitting the next part. “He told me that he loved me first, before I told him about the cheating. Before he broke up with me, I mean.”

Maddy’s face clearly conveys her shock and concern. When she doesn’t say anything, I nod and add, “I know. I told him that I loved him too, but after I told him about the text and the cheating, well, I guess love wasn’t enough.” Shrugging my shoulders, I take another sip of my drink as I try to swallow my tears too.

After a few minutes of tense silence, Maddy asks, “Do you think you guys will get back together? I mean, have you seen him or anything like that?”

“I doubt it. I really screwed up. I’m pretty sure he’s done with me.” I want to hold on to the small hope that maybe we can work things out. But, my grip on that idea is slipping.

With a knowing look in her eyes, Maddy breaks off a chunk of cookie and pops it into her mouth. “People screw up all the time,” she says around her food. “Just because you make a mistake, it doesn’t mean that it can’t be fixed.” She takes the last piece of cookie and a sip of her drink. I know she’s talking about her and Reid. But how often do things work out like that in real life? That stuff is better left to romance novels and chick flicks. I doubt I’ll ever be that lucky.

As we’re clearing our garbage from the table, Maddy notices a guy in the line. “Mel,” she whispers to me. “That guy is totally checking you out.”

I peek over at him, trying to make it look like I’m reading the board hanging above the barista. He doesn’t look familiar, but when he makes eye contact with me he smiles at me like he’s just won the lottery.

Maddy sees it too. “Ohh, he’s adorable. Go talk to him.” She’s nearly pushing me across the small café.

I actually have to pry her hands off my shoulders. “Shhh, I will not.” My attempt at not drawing attention to us fails miserably and the cute guy actually starts laughing at us.

And, yes he is cute. Light blond hair, soft green eyes, and an athletic build – yeah, he’s pretty easy on the eyes. But still, I’m not ready to strike up a conversation with some random guy. The only time I’ve ever done that was when I first met Bryan, and well, though this guy may be cute, he’s not Bryan.

“Melanie, just go talk to him. Look, he’s staring at you!” Maddy’s voice is getting louder as we get closer to the door. He catches my name and as he steps away from the line, he walks toward us. “Melanie? I thought that was you.” He jams his hands in his front pockets nervously and Maddy looks at me inquisitively.

I still have no freaking clue who the heck he is. I’m sure my face conveys those thoughts, because he laughs as he says, “You don’t remember me, do you?” He tilts his head to the side and I really can’t place him.

“No, I’m sorry.” I try to walk past him, but he gently places his hand on my arm; there’s no force in the move, but he clearly wants me to remember. “We met at Lindsey’s party, back in December. I’m Tyler. Tyler Cole. You really don’t remember me? We, umm …” As his words trail off, my stomach drops to the floor.

It’s him.

Maddy sees the look of fear and sickness -that passes across my face. “Are you okay, Melanie? Do you want to get out of here?” She loops her arm through mine so that we’re locked at the elbow.

I can’t really get any words out of my mouth, but I know that I need to get away from here. I want to run. I need to move my feet, but they’re super-glued to the floor. As my stomach returns to where it belongs and my brain starts to function again, my desire to run fades. Swiftly, I realize that I do want to talk with him. I have to know exactly what happened that night. I feel like it’s the only way I’ll ever be able to move past it.

Pulling my arm from hers, I finally get my mouth to work. “I’m good; I promise. I’ll be out in a few minutes.” She just nods and waddles out to a bench that is set up in between two kiosks.

“Can I get you anything?” Tyler asks as he walks me over to the table that Maddy and I just vacated.

I shake my head and opt for bluntness. “That night fucked-up my life pretty good, you know.” Tyler recoils from my words and his brows knit together. My anger, though outwardly directed at him, is inwardly focused on my own stupidity and shame.

A puzzled and hurt look washes across his face before he says anything. “Okay,” he draws out the word, clearly shocked by my anger. “I don’t really know how, though.” He folds his arms across his broad chest and leans back in his chair.

The nothingness of the last six weeks flashes before me and anger boils like lava in my veins. With a strangely even and calm voice, I manage to speak rather than yell. “You don’t know how sleeping with you when I had a boyfriend screwed things up for me?”

“Whoa! Wait a second,” he blurts out loudly enough to catch the attention of a few people standing on line. Realizing his little outburst, he leans across the table and adjusts his volume. “We did not sleep together.”

No one could mistake the look in Tyler’s eyes for anything but honesty and sincerity.

“What did you just say?” I demand, instantly needing him to clarify his statement.

His eyes scan my face, searching for any sign of me playing around with him. When all he finds is uncertainty, he takes a deep breath and rakes his hand through his platinum hair. “I said, ‘we did not sleep together’. We met at the party and started talking. We were actually having a great time, until you got some text or call. Then you got plastered.” Pieces of that night start to fall in place. He’s right. We were legitimately just talking until Courtney texted me. I still can’t place the rest of the night, so I silently prompt him to continue.

“Well, when you could no longer stand on your own, I helped you over to a couch and that’s when you started talking about your ex-boyfriend,” he admits sheepishly.

“I’m sorry, but did you just say, ex?” I’m sure that my face is twisted in confusion.

“Yeah, at least that’s what you told me. Look, I wouldn’t have kissed you if you said you had a boyfriend. I’m not a douche like that.” Tyler holds his hands up in front of his chest in a sign of mock-surrender. His eyes convey his honesty yet again and I can’t not believe him.

Holy shit! I can’t believe this. Could this whole fuck-up with Bryan really have been avoided?

“So, you’re telling me the truth? We never …” I motion my hand between the two of us as if that somehow clarifies what I mean to say.

Tyler laughs sympathetically and shakes his head. “No, we didn’t. Believe me, I wanted to. We started fooling around and you were talking about finding another room, but you couldn’t even stand up. You clearly weren’t with it and like I said, I’m not a dick like that, so I wasn’t going to take advantage of you.”

I gasp and my hand flies to cover my mouth as I realize that he’s right, we didn’t sleep together.

“Do you believe me now?” he questions apprehensively.

Speaking through the fingers that are still covering my mouth, I nod and say, “Yes. Oh my God! I can’t believe that I thought …”

Recalling visions of that night, the line of events becomes crystal clear. I was drunk. He was kind. We made out. Maybe we fooled around a little. I passed out. And then he drove me home. That’s it. No sex. No cheating. Just me stumbling through my front door in the middle of the night and Reid helping me to bed before I woke anyone else up.

Holy mother of freaking shit!

Remembering one piece of information, I whisper, “But then how did I end up in a guy’s shirt and bra-less?” Honestly, when I woke up the next morning in someone else’s shirt and my bra was missing I just figured everything not nothing had happened.

“As I was driving you home, you pulled it off and threw it out the window.” He laughs, and adds, “You were actually trying to take off your shirt too, but I managed to stop you before you got to that point. All of the moving around must have made you sick because you threw up. I had my gym bag in the back and I helped you change out of your shirt.” Tyler smiles sympathetically at me and then quickly sobers when he realizes the sad look on my face. “Are you okay? You don’t look so hot.” Tyler’s friendly tone brings me back to the here-and-now.

Quickly recovering, I stammer, “Yeah, I’m fine.” Numbly standing from my chair, I vaguely catch a glimpse of Maddy through the window. “I just have to go now.”

Tyler stands and walks me to the door. As Maddy walks over to us, he seems like he wants to say something more, but honestly, at this point, I just need him to go. So I dismiss him before he can say anything else. “I guess I’ll see you around, Tyler.”

Awkwardly shoving his hands in his pockets again, he says, “Um, yeah sure. See ya.” And then he turns and walks away.

Maddy wastes no time in her interrogating. “What the hell was that about? What happened?”

Because no amount of explaining will clear the air, and because one small word can answer both of her questions, I simply say, “Nothing.”

The rest of spring break goes by too quickly. And before I know it, I’m heading back to Ithaca for the final month of school. I was quick to take Mom and Evan up on their offer to drive me back. Evan came over a few nights during the week and it was a little weird having a man in the house, but seeing how happy Mom is when he’s around, it was pretty easy to get used to.

One night when Evan wasn’t over, Mom confessed that she talked to him about their ‘relationship’. She used air quotes that time. Much to her surprise, but not to mine, he felt the same way. She figured that since he had never been married, that he wouldn’t be interested in a serious relationship. He stunned her into silence when his only answer was that he hadn’t met the right woman yet.

About ten minutes into the drive, Evan turns down the radio and makes eye contact with me through the rear-view mirror. “So, Melanie, what’s your major? Your mom never mentioned it.”

I lean forward and rest my chin on Mom’s shoulder. Poking her in the arm, I take the opportunity to joke around with her. “Why’s that, Mom? Don’t want to talk to your boyfriend about your boring daughter?” I draw out the word boyfriend to emphasize their newly and officially defined relationship.

She calmly places her hand over mine which rests atop her shoulder and pats it gently. “No, my dear.” She quips with more than a little bit of sarcasm. “I didn’t tell him because you never told me.” She sticks her tongue out at me and smirks.

Her words sober me. I really have been out of touch. Having only recently decided on my major, it’s something of which I’m very proud.

Beaming from ear to ear, I share my plan. “I actually just declared my major at the beginning of the semester. I’m going to study early childhood education with a focus on children with special needs. I start doing some field work next semester.”

Mom twists in her seat and her face is beautifully lit up with pride. “That is a wonderful choice, Melanie.”

“That’s great,” Evan chimes in. “What made you decide that?”

Neither one of them knows about Emmie, but she is the reason I made the decision. “I just figured helping kids who might not have all of the advantages as everyone else is a pretty good way to spend the next thirty years of my life.”

“Oh, that’s perfect for you, sweetie. You’re so great with kids.” Mom folds her hands across her lap, seemingly unable to contain her joy.

Evan places his hand atop Mom’s and he laces their fingers together. It’s a sweet gesture that makes my heart spill over with happiness. Meeting my eyes in the rearview mirror once again, Evan’s face is decorated with a proud look not unlike Mom’s.

“A buddy of mine from the fire department has a kid with Autism. She goes to a summer camp right near Ithaca every year. If you’d like, I can call him and get some information for you. Maybe they need a counselor or something like that.” Anyone else might mistake his offer as one meant to try and win me over, but I can see the honestly in his eyes reflected to me in the mirror. He’s being genuinely kind.

“Wow, yeah, that would be great, Evan.” I’ve really come to like Evan this past week based solely upon how he treats my mom, but seeing that he wants to do something nice for me as well, that he wants to develop a relationship with me too, makes me soften to him even more.

The rest of the drive is filled with laughter and fun conversation. And when we pull into the parking lot at my building, I’m happy to see Cammie, Lia and Peyton’s cars are already in the lot. Evan carries my bags for me, and Mom and I walk up to the suite before him. I lean into her side and whisper into her ear, “I like him.”

She smiles coyly in return and replies, “So do I.”

Hearing our girlish giggles, Evan clears his throat. “What are you two laughing at up there?”

We say, “Oh, nothing,” at the same time which only adds to our little giggling fit.

When we walk into the suite, the girls are busy doing a whole lot of nothing. Actually they’re lounging on the couch sipping cosmos, watching my Sex and the City DVDs. When they realize that Mom and Evan are with me, they get a little nervous. That nervousness evaporates immediately when Mom claps her hands excitedly and runs to the couch. “Oooo, is this the one when Mr. Big and Aiden have that pissing match and wrestle in the mud?”

Lia and Cammie move to the sides of the couch and make room for Mom to slide in between them. It doesn’t take long for the three of them to start arguing over who Carrie should be with. It’s a pointless conversation, really. Because after all of the hardships and trials, Carrie ends up right where she belongs – in the arms of her true love.

Cammie, Lia and Peyton are all over twenty-one, but even if they weren’t, Mom would never turn down a girl’s night like this. I’m not going to say that my mom condones underage drinking, but she’s not naive. I won’t lay out all of the times I’ve been drunk, but she knows this is not my first drink and she seems fine with it.

I call out from the kitchen, “Mom, can I make you a drink?”

She peers over the back of the couch and looks at Evan. “Is it okay if we stay for a while, Ev?”

Evan’s lips quirk up into a goofy smile. I doubt he likes the idea of spending a night with some cosmo-drinking, Sex and the City-watching twenty-somethings, but, I see it in his eyes – he’d do anything to make Mom happy.

“Of course we can stay. I’ll run out to Wegman’s and grab something to make for dinner while you girls enjoy your sex show, or whatever the hell it is.”

As I walk him to the door, I say, “Thank you” and plant a quick kiss to his cheek. I think the display of affection catches him off guard, but he smiles at me nonetheless.

After I hand Mom her drink, I make my way over to the large armchair where Peyton is sitting and she moves to the side, making room for me to wiggle in. She squeezes my knee and we share a knowing smile. I feel like this week has done me good and I think she sees that change in me.

When the episode wraps up, Lia situates herself so that she can make eye contact with all of us. “So, I’ve got good news.” We all eye her cautiously. “Good news” with Lia can mean that she picked up a cute pair of shoes on sale.

When she doesn’t say anything right away, Cammie holds her hands out in front of her. “Care to share it with us?” she prompts.

“I found us all an apartment for the summer and for next year! Off-campus housing, here we come!” Lia pumps her fists into the air, but my eyes immediately go to my mom. Can I really spend the whole summer away from her?

Mom looks directly at me and mouths the words, “It’s okay,” before saying aloud to the group, “That’s fantastic, Lia. You girls will have so much fun! Where is it?”

“It’s right behind the school on Coddington Road, right across the street from that cute little Italian place,” Lia answers Mom’s question and I know exactly what house she’s talking about because the Italian place that she’s talking about is Bella’s.

All of us chat excitedly about the possibilities that this new beginning will bring. While we’re making our second round of drinks, Evan comes in with some groceries and immediately begins cooking a quick meal of chicken fajitas and rice.

Before I even realize it, it’s time to say goodnight to Mom and Evan. I really loved having them here and I silently vow to make a much more concerted effort to both visit home and have them here more often.

I giggle as I watch Evan help a slightly stumbling Mom into his SUV. Thinking back over this week and how much it has healed my heart, I’m sad to see her go, but so happy to know that she’s got Evan now. Burying the last few weeks behind me, I’m suddenly looking forward to next few weeks and the hope that dangles out on the horizon.

13

By some miracle, and with a lot of Peyton’s help, I manage to pull my grades out of the gutter and I finish my first year of college with a 3.4 average. Not my best work, but all things considered, I’m more than pleased with the results. I’ve actually surprised myself in recent weeks with the whole “you don’t have to be perfect all the time” routine. A lot has changed since spring break, in fact. The most important change has been that I’ve actually grown to like myself much more than I used to. I’ve learned to forgive myself over what happened with Bryan. I still haven’t worked up the nerve to talk to him, though. I walked past the lab the other day. I didn’t expect him to be there so as I peered into the large window-lined wall of the lab as I walked past, I nearly tripped over my own two feet when his sad brown eyes met mine.

I wanted to go to him and ask him a million questions. How are things with his parents? How is Emmie doing? Is he excited about graduating? What are his plans for the summer?

Does he miss me?

But instead of doing that, I offered up a tight smile and a small wave. He nodded in return and then promptly busied himself with something on his computer. Part of me couldn’t help but wonder if he was just touching random keys to avoid looking at me.

I miss him a lot. But it’s not in that silly, pining, teenage girl way. I miss him in a way that actually hurts my bones. I didn’t realize it back when we were together, but the way he made me feel about myself was more than just special. And, no, I’m not talking about the physical stuff. He helped me see the value in myself that I should have seen a long time ago. He loved me not because he had to, but because he wanted to. And, yeah, I hate myself for having ruined that love, but it served as an epiphany of sorts. I was loved despite the flaws I thought I had, and in the process of growing that love, I found out that what I saw as some of my worst flaws were actually some of my greatest assets. I just wish I could have one more chance; I wish I could get a do over with him – with us.

I’ve thought about telling him what I learned from Tyler, but I just haven’t been able to work up the courage. I’m not sure that it would make a difference anyway. I want to think it will change how he feels about me, like it will allow him to forgive me, but then his words about learning to love myself ring in my ears and I chicken out on talking to him again.

I’ve changed, but can I really say that I love everything about who I am?

Can anyone ever love everything about themselves?

Maybe the best you can hope for is learning how to appreciate who you are without paying much attention to who you aren’t.

Maybe that’s how I’ve changed the most. I’ve learned to love myself for who I am instead of hating myself for who I’m not.

And no, not all of my new-found self-appreciation has come from Bryan; that wouldn’t really be true self-appreciation anyway. I’ve done a lot of soul-searching and I learned to no longer define myself by my flaws. Everyone has flaws. I refuse to be defined by mere imperfections.

I think a large part of being able to forgive and love myself has come from talking to Mom too. I no longer feel like I’ve been a burden to her all these years. Seeing her with Evan has lightened my heart. In a way, it’s like I was holding back allowing myself to be happy until I knew she was happy.

I love that she’s moving on, and in a way, it’s given me permission to let go and move on as well. Well, move in actually. It’s our last week in the suite and I am more than excited to move into our new apartment.

Cammie, on the other hand, is not so happy. It’s her sad face that I see as I return to the suite from getting lunch with Peyton. She had to go work at the tutoring center and Lia is out shopping. I have no clue what else that girl could possibly need. When I asked her, she said “New clothes for the apartment, silly.” Of course! Why hadn’t I thought of that?

Rather glumly, Cammie is packing up some dishes and silverware in the kitchen. As I close the door behind me, I walk over to her and hop up onto the pale blue Formica counter. “Based on the look on your face, I guess he’s sticking by his decision, huh?” I pull a tortilla chip from the half-eaten bag on the counter next to me and crunch on it as she contemplates her answer.

Leaning back against the counter, she grabs a chip and bites into it rather forcefully. Crossing her arms over her chest, she sighs. A resigned look flits across her pretty face. “Yeah, he is. I know it’s what’s best for him, but I hate the idea of being apart from him for a whole year.”

I jump down from the counter and grab two bottles of water out of the fridge. Handing her one, I say, “But you’ll visit him and he’ll visit you. Chicago isn’t that far. Besides, when you graduate, you can move there with him.”

Huffing a sigh again, she concedes. “I know. I know. I’m being a total girl over this. It’s just that we’ve been together for five years now and we’ve never been more than a two hour drive away from each other.” Sipping her water, she adds, “And now he’s going to be starting a huge part of his life without me and it’s scary.”

Jack will be moving to Chicago in just a few weeks to start his two-year grad-school program for Physical Therapy. At the end of it, he’ll be a real doctor and everything. It’s weird to think of Solo-cup-filling Jack being called Dr. Parker.

I wrap my arm around her shoulder and give her a tight squeeze. “Cammie, you two are the strongest couple I have ever met. While it might take some getting used to, I know that you’ll make it.”

Lia takes this opportunity to barrel through the door carrying way too many bags for her own good. “Did you leave anything behind for anyone else?” I joke as I help her with the bags.

“Oh, shut it! I got lots of stuff for the apartment. I want it to be pretty,” Lia declares as she starts pulling scented candles and colorful vases out of the bags. There’s no denying it; the girl has a serious sense of style. I am more than willing to let her decorate our place for us.

“This is all really pretty,” I remark as I let a purple table runner glide through my fingers.

“I know! I’m good, right?” she says proudly.

“Did you ever think about doing anything with it? Your talent, I mean? Oh, you could go on one of those ‘be the next big name designer’ TV shows or something like that.” Lia takes my wisecrack in jest and just laughs at me.

As she’s wrapping a glass bowl in newspaper, she replies to my question. “Actually, I have thought about doing something about it. It turns out with just a few extra classes, in addition to my fashion design degree, I can also be a certified interior designer.”

Cammie squeals with delight, her face beaming with pride for her cousin. “Omigod, Lia. That would be perfect for you!”

Not that I didn’t think it wouldn’t be, but I know that with Lia’s touch our apartment is going to be much more than that. It is going to be a home and I can’t wait to move in there. The three of us spend the rest of the afternoon packing up the suite getting lost in the memories and excited about the future.

Moving sucks. Jack and a few of his friends helped us with all of the boxes, and since the apartment is furnished, we didn’t have too much heavy lifting, but still – this sucks. We’ve spent the last few days cleaning everything. Counters, floors, rugs, windows. I mean the place was sort of clean when we came to see it a few weeks ago, but then the shit must have hit the fan – or the old tenants threw one huge-ass party.

We’ve only been here for about a week or so, but already it feels like a home. It also helps that it is actually a home. We’re renting a small single-level home. With four medium-sized bedrooms, a large living and dining room combo and a fairly new kitchen, it’s nothing like the suite and everything like a real house. With a lot of elbow grease and Lia’s decorative touch, the place is finally done. I fold up the final empty box and tie up the last garbage bag and take them down to the curb where the other garbage is piled high.

I’m a sweaty mess today. Wearing rolled up sweats and a beat up, hot pink tank top, I know I look like a hot mess. But, stepping out into the hot sun of the early summer, I feel new and alive. Scanning the small flowerbed to the side of the front stoop, I see that it’s overgrown with weeds and decide that it too needs be fresh and new.

Hell, I’m filthy already. What’s a little more dirt?

Crouching down on the lawn, I start ripping and tearing at the overgrown weed garden. After ten minutes, my nails are caked with dirt; sweat is dripping down my face and my shoulders burn both from the sun and the strain. But I’ve made progress and I’m excited to get a few flowers to plant.

After tossing the weeds into the pail, I wipe my dirt-covered hands on my sweats. Lifting my arm to wipe a drop of sweat from my face, I catch a whiff of myself and oh dear Lord do I stink. The girls will all be home in a little bit so I’ve got just enough time to shower in peace before the battle over the bathroom begins. One bathroom. Four girls. That’s never fun.

Before turning to walk back inside, something across the street catches my attention. I should say someone, actually. I don’t know how I missed it before, but that’s Bryan’s car parked in the small dirt lot. Just as my heart lodges in my throat and my stomach crashes down to the floor, Bryan catches sight of me.

Of all freaking days.

By some magnetic force, instead of walking back into the house, I am pulled to him. He must feel it too, because instead of getting in his car and driving away, he crosses the road walks right up the small walkway that leads to where I’m standing.

“Hey,” he says tentatively as he rakes his hand through his hair. It’s grown longer since I’ve seen him last and a few strands fall back into his eyes even after having pushed them away.

“Hi.” My voice is shaky and uneasy. I hate that.

I raise my arm to my head to block the blinding sun that’s beating down on us from behind Bryan, then I remember that I’m a smelly mess. Swiftly dropping my arm to my side, I hope he didn’t just smell that.

“So you moved, huh?” Bryan scans the front of the house and nods in approval. It is a cute place, if I do say so myself.

“Yeah, just last week actually.” Out of nervousness, I wipe my hands on my pants once more. His face is cast in the shadow created by the sun glaring from behind him so I’m forced to squint in order to see him.

“It’s nice,” Bryan states blandly.

“Uh huh.” Oh God, this is going nowhere and fast. This conversation, if you can even call it that, is jilted and awkward. We haven’t talked in three months, but it shouldn’t be this difficult to talk to the person you once loved.

The person you still love, in my case at least.

Needing to fill the void of silence that is threatening to swallow us whole, I say, “So,” as I shrug my shoulders lamely.

He shrugs his. “Well, I should get going.” Just as he turns to move away, I grab for his arm. I forget about my dirty hands and my stinky pits. I need to talk to him. I want to talk to him. I know that I can’t let him get away.

Staring down at my filthy hand wrapped around his tanned forearm, his face takes on a resigned look. I wonder if he feels it – that fiery crackle of heat that has existed between us since we first met.

I feel it.

Extending my arm to the small porch, I ask if we can sit and talk. He simply nods and we arrive at the steps in three short strides. Thinking back to just a few weeks ago when I saw him through the window at the lab, I remember wanting to ask him a million questions. But now, sitting here on my front steps, our legs almost touching, my fingers still vibrating from just having touched him, I can’t remember a single one of them.

I opt for the topic that I think will make him the most happy. “How is Emmie? Is she excited about the summer?”

His lips tip up in the corners and his tense shoulders relax as her name comes out of my mouth. “Emmie’s good. She loves the summer. Her birthday was just the other day and she went on and on about her party for days.” Then his lips turn down and then tension is back. Hanging his head low into his hands, he sighs agitatedly.

“What’s wrong, Bryan?” My fingers itch to be laced through his; my hands are almost shaking with the need to rub comforting circles on his back.

“It’s the divorce. That’s all.” The abrupt curtness of his words tells me that things have not been going well.

“I’m here for you.” He lifts his face from his hands and looks at me strangely. “I know we haven’t talked in forever and I know that things didn’t end well, but I can be your friend. We can talk. I hate seeing you like this, Bryan.”

The strange look that was in his eyes morphs into something that looks a lot like longing. “No, we can’t be friends, Melanie. I can’t get over how you didn’t trust me.” He shakes his head and sighs loudly. “You know after we broke up, Courtney came after me again. I still didn’t want anything to do with her. When I said something to her about texting you, she came clean – told me it was an old picture. I think she felt like if she told the truth, she would have a chance of getting back with me. But, I still can’t wrap my head around how you couldn’t trust me. I still can’t … We can’t be friends.” He stands from the steps and turns to leave.

“Wait!” I call out when he’s at the edge of the lawn.

Walking up to him, I only hope that he’ll accept what I have to say. “I understand if you don’t want to be friends. I just want you to know that I’m here for you if you need me.” He nods and it makes the next words get caught up in my throat. “Just before you go, there’s one thing I need you to know. I never meant to hurt you. I’m so sorry for immediately thinking the worst with the text.” I start nervously fidgeting with the hem of my shirt and stare down at it like it’s the most interesting thing in the world.

What looks like anger and sadness swirl together across his face. He simply says, “Yeah, I’m sorry too,” before tipping his head to the approaching mailman. “Maybe I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah, maybe,” I mumble but quickly realize that he’s already too far to even hear me. All apologies about what I didn’t do are lost to his retreating back.

“Here you go,” the cheerful mailman says as he hands me a large padded envelope and a few flyers.

“Thanks.” When I’m at the door, I turn back to look in Bella’s parking lot and see Bryan in his car staring at me from across the street. When he sees me looking at him, he coolly slides on his sunglasses and pulls out of the lot.

And out of my life.

I didn’t get the chance to tell him the things I wanted to say. He deserves to know about Tyler and what didn’t happen. I want him to know about my new perspective on life. I think he’d be proud of me for all of my changes. As the dust of his departing car settles, I wonder if I’ll ever have the chance to say those things to him.

After a much-needed shower, the girls pull up with some Chinese take-out and a box; yes I said a box, of wine. Jack left today, and based on the puffy redness to Cammie’s eyes, I can tell she needs some girl time. When she puts down her bags, I pull her into a big hug.

“Oh come here, Cam. It’s going to be just fine.” I try to calm her down as I hand her a mug of wine.

Taking a big gulp of it, she says, “Yeah, I know. Just a little sad, I guess.”

“Well, we’re here to distract you for the night,” Lia chimes in as she waves a DVD of Magic Mike in front of her.

Snatching the DVD from Lia’s hands, Cammie’s eyes roam all over the case. “Yeah, this’ll do.” A seductive grin plays on her face and we all share a laugh as we make up our plates for our little dinner date with a few shirtless hotties.

“He is so freaking hot,” Peyton calls out as Matt Bomber struts his stuff across the screen.

Gulping down the last of her third, or maybe it’s her fourth glass, Lia shakes her head wildly. “Oh no! Him. He’s the one I’d do.” Pointing at Channing Tatum, Lia looks like she needs to wipe the drool from her chin.

“What about you, Cammie? Who’s your hottie tonight?” I elbow her in the ribs, literally prodding her to have some kind of reaction to the girls’ night that we planned all for her.

She takes a sip of her wine and shrugs he shoulders. No response. “Come on, Cammie. Given the chance, who would you spend one hot night with?” Cammie flushes red at Lia’s little quiz.

“None of them.” Wow, she’s in full-on pout mood. I suddenly realize what it must have been like to live with me back when Bryan and I broke up.

Determined to lighten her mood, I pause the movie as Alex Pettyfer’s abs ripple on screen. “Not even him, Cammie. Look at him! His abs have abs. That man is a God. You’re telling me you would kick him out of bed?”

With her lips up against the rim of her mug-o-wine, she mumbles, “Fine. No. I wouldn’t kick him out of bed.” When we all whistle cat calls and rip with laughter, Cammie rolls her eyes but eventually gives into the laughter as well.

After my third glass of wine and some quality time with the girls, I decide to turn in and get some sleep. I walk past my desk and pick up the envelope I got in the mail today. It’s from Mom, but even through the padding, I can tell that it’s a spiral notebook.

Sitting on my bed, I tear through the paper and pull out the notebook. There’s a letter taped to the front of it across which is my name scrolled in my mom’s handwriting. I absentmindedly trace my fingertip along the curved lines of my name and instantly miss Mom. She’ll be here this weekend, but after seeing Bryan today, I could use some comfort.

I open the envelope and pull out the letter.

With shaky hands, I drop the letter and run my fingers along the faded blue cardboard cover of the notebook. This belonged to my dad. He actually touched the same spot that I’m touching right now. Gently opening the tattered cover, I see his words scribbled on the lines of the paper and tears spring to my eyes. Thumbing through the pages, I see a few dozen entries and they all seem relatively short.

March 1995

Your mom told me about you today. I’ll never forget how she looked and how happy her words made me. I just wanted to let you know that today was the first day you became a part of my life and I’m very excited for the day that I’ll be able to hold you in my arms.

Tears stream down my cheeks, and no matter how quickly I try to brush them away, they’re immediately replaced by new ones. My dad wrote this book to me. He didn’t even know me, but he wrote these letters to me because he wanted to let me know how much he loved me.

I read through more of them, but one in particular catches my attention and makes me smile through the tears. By my quick calculation, my mom would have been just about half way through her pregnancy at this point.

May 15, 1995

I felt you kick today. It was kind of weird and creepy, but it was also the most exciting experience of my life to date. Your mom and I were just watching a movie in bed. She grabbed my hand and placed it on her stomach. It wasn’t at all what expected – a small bubble of movement at best. But, from that one little kick, I caught a glimpse of your tiny fingers wrapped around one of mine, of your little feet poking out of a blanket. Today, you felt real to me and I just knew I had to share that with you.

The next letter that I stop at has sonogram picture taped to the top. It’s a profile shot and I trace over the curve of my tiny nose.

June 1995

We found out that you’re a girl today. A girl. Your mom started crying right away. I was … well, I was just scared. I want to protect you from everything. From scratched knees, to failed tests, to broken hearts. But what if I fail? What if you get hurt because I couldn’t do my job? I just hope you know that no matter how many times we fight over curfew or sleepovers or whatever things dads and daughters fight about, just know that I’m fighting with you because I love you.

That last entry makes me laugh through the tears. Now I know where I got that pesky need for perfection from. I flip through the journal and read about how he set up my nursery and helped Linda surprise Mom with a baby shower. It’s weird how I’ve never known him, but through his words, simple strokes on a piece of paper, I feel like he’s right here in the room with me. When I get to the last entry, the tears return. He wrote it the night before he died.

September 29, 1995

Dear Melanie,

Your mom and I have been discussing names lately. So if one day down the line when you’re reading this and your name is Jessica or something like that, just know that I lost the battle. But on some off chance that your mom decides in my favor, I hope that I’ve addressed this to the right person.

Since you’re due to arrive any day now, I thought I would make this a longer entry. There are a few things I want to say and I feel like if I can get these simple lessons on paper, you’ll be able to come back to them when you need them, when I might not be there to tell them to you. I’m a man of numbers and figures, lines and buildings so I apologize ahead of time for not being too poetic with all of this.

1. Be kind. A warm smile with kind words will go further than any ounce of belittling ever will. The world might not always be nice to you, but you’ll find beauty in the world when you are kind to it.

2. Be patient. Anything worth doing in your life will take time. So be patient, but always persevere. When you get knocked down, and you will because it’s an inevitable truth in life, get right back up and fight twice as hard for whatever it is that you’re working toward.

3. Have fun. You’ve got your whole life to worry about bills and mortgages and all that grownup stuff. Never forget to laugh and enjoy the simple pleasures in your life. You never know when they’ll be gone.

4. Love with everything you’ve got. I never knew love until I knew your mother. And then when she told me about you, I learned what true love really means. So when you find someone you love, don’t hold back.

And remember that, if all of these pieces of advice fail you, your mom and I love you more than anyone ever could. You’re the stars in our sky and the song in our hearts … Don’t laugh. I said I was no good at the poetry stuff.

I can’t wait to meet you, baby girl (who I not-so-secretly hope to be named Melanie).

Love,

Dad

After closing the notebook, I clutch it to my chest tightly and whisper through the sobs, “I love you too, Dad.”

14

I’ve been a counselor here at Camp Hope for the last two weeks and I love it. No, like seriously love it. I have never been around so much happiness and so many smiles as when I’m with these kids. At the end of the day, I’m covered in dirt and grime, and sometimes glitter depending on the arts and crafts activities, but I wouldn’t change a thing.

I’m on sports detail today and we’re playing soccer. It makes me think of Bryan. Actually, ever since I read my dad’s journal, everything reminds me of Bryan. I want to give us another try. I just haven’t figured out how. I haven’t even seen him since we talked a few weeks ago. I drove past his apartment in some futile hope that he would still be living there, but since the building is technically part of Ithaca College’s housing department, I knew he wouldn’t be there. For all I know, he could have moved back home.

“Can I help, Melanie?” Ruthie, a ten year old camper with Downs Syndrome asks as she pulls on my shorts.

“Of course you can. Let’s get this net out onto the field. You take that side.”

“Okay, I got it. Let’s go.” Her enthusiasm has me tripping over my feet as we stumble out of the supplies closet.

When we get out onto the field, I’m swarmed by the group of kids. Then Will, the counselor who I’ve been assigned to work with for the summer, blows the whistle. The kids all line up in the sideline. They’re so eager to please. Everyone is brightly smiling and jumping up and down as they not-so-patiently wait for our instructions.

Playing it up like he’s some kind of drill sergeant, Will clicks his heels together and stands up straight as an arrow. “Okay, Cadets. Here are the rules.” The kids laugh at his imitation. They know him too well to take him seriously. One of the boys at the end of the line gets a serious case of the giggles and Will calls out “Hey you! Stop that laughing now.” The little boy chokes back his laughter and salutes Will. The second Will’s back is turned, the boy starts laughing all over again.

Will winks at me and carries on with his little routine. The kids count off into “odd” and “even” teams and they sprint onto the field. After about ten minutes, we call a time out so that everyone can grab some water. Will walks over to me and hands me a water bottle.

“You’re doing great, Melanie. The kids really like you.” Will’s hazel eyes light up as he compliments me.

“Thanks, Will. I really like it here. I can totally see why you come back year after year.” I take a sip of my water and sit under the shade of the tree.

“Yeah, this place is great.” He sits beside me and dangles his bottle of water between his bent knees. We sit in companionable silence for a few minutes as we sip our water. Having worked with him every day for the last two weeks, we’ve built up a decent friendship. The conversation usually flows freely, but as I finish the last of my water, the stretched-out void feels awkward and uncomfortable.

Will chugs down the rest of his water and turns to face me. “So, are you busy tonight? Can I take you out to dinner?”

His question catches me off-guard and I stumble over my words. “I, uh, yeah, I mean, no.” Taking a deep breath, I steady my shaking hands and nervous words. “Sorry, I can’t. My mom and her boyfriend are actually coming in for the weekend. They should be at my place when I get home.” I gulp down a large swig of water. Anything to keep me from having to speak again. I like Will, a lot, but just not like that. I knew that I would be assigned to work with a more experienced counselor for my first summer. But when I found out that I was being paired up with the tall, dark and handsome man with the blinding smile and witty charm, I was more nervous than excited.

Taking my rejection in stride, he stands and holds his hand out to help me up. “Well, then maybe next Friday, huh?”

“Sure. We’ll see,” I say as I brush the grass from my butt.

Just as we’re about to walk back out onto the field where the kids are clamoring to get started again, our boss and camp owner, Holly walks up to us. There’s a girl standing meekly at her side and I recognize her immediately.

“Hey, Melanie, Will. I’d like you to meet our newest camper. This is Emmie. She just registered today.” When she hears my name, Emmie glances up at my face. Recognizing who I am, she runs into my arms and squeezes me tightly.

“Melanie!” She squeals with delight. The power of her hug has us spinning in circles. When Bryan and I were together, I spoke to her on the phone constantly. I think she liked having another girl, besides her mom, to talk to. I’m not surprised that she remembered me, but her recognition warms my heart like the glowing sun.

Pulling away from her, we exchange smiles. A look of confusion passes between Will and Holly before Will asks, “How do you know each other?”

Tucking Emmie into my side and draping an arm around her shoulder, I tell him, “Emmie here is my BFF. We go back a long time.” Emmie’s big brown eyes twinkle with pride and admiration. “We’re just about to get back to our soccer game. Did you want to be on my team, Emmie?”

“Yes. I love soccer!” She jumps up and down and claps her hands excitedly.

Holly squats in front of Emmie to make sure that they’re at eye level. We’re all very conscious of never talking down to the kids. “Okay, well you have fun then, Emmie. If you need anything, let Will or Melanie know. I’ll be back before lunch, okay?” Holly ruffles Emmie’s hair as she nods.

Squeezing my hand tightly, Emmie pulls me out onto the field. She’s pretty much my shadow for the rest of the day which works out perfectly for me. It means that I don’t have to explain how I really know her to Will. And he knows better than to get too involved in a conversation around the kids. They’re little sponges who absorb everything you say so we’re very careful to hold off on the personal talk until after work.

At the end of the day, I walk Emmie out to the parking lot. It’s not a sleep-away camp so we all wait with the kids until their parents pick them up. Waiting there with Emmie, I ask her the question that’s been on the tip of my tongue all day.

“So Emmie, who’s picking you up today?”

In true thirteen-year-old-girl fashion, she shoots me an eye-rolling look. “Bryan is, silly. Who else would?”

I want to say that I wasn’t sure where he was. That I haven’t seen him in weeks and that I didn’t even know he was still living in the area, but I know that wouldn’t be fair to Emmie. Besides, I don’t even know what she knows about us.

“There he is.” Emmie grabs my hand and pulls me toward Bryan as he steps out of his car.

He looks about as surprised to see me as I was when I saw Holly walk onto the soccer field with Emmie in tow.

“Bryan, look! It’s Melanie. She works here.”

“Hey, kiddo. Yeah, I see that.” Bryan takes in my counselor attire letting his gaze rest on my bare legs just a beat too long.

Emmie is twirling around so that her pigtails swing in the air. “Aren’t you supposed to kiss your girlfriend, Bryan?” she teases.

Suddenly nervous, Bryan shoves his hands in his back pockets and rocks on his heels. “Uh, well …” As his words trail off, I mouth “It’s okay,” so that only Bryan sees me.

“That’s sweet, Emmie, but I’m still at work. He’s going to have to wait to kiss me until later.” I wink at her and she lets go of the subject. Bryan mouths “thank you” to me.

“Come on. Let’s get you back home for dinner, okay?” Bryan takes Emmie’s backpack from her shoulder and plants a sweet kiss to the top of her head.

Before she runs over to his car, she gives me one last hug. “Will you be here Monday, Melanie?”

“Yep, I’ll see you then, Emmie.” I smile and wave at her as she opens the passenger door and pulls the seat belt across her shoulder. Gently closing the door behind her, Bryan faces me and a look of anguish and confusion knits his brows.

“Thanks for that save back there.”

“No problem, Bryan.” I nervously pick at a non-existent piece of fuzz on my shorts.

“Okay, then I guess I’ll see you Monday.” His words are rushed and I can tell he’s just trying to avoid the conversation, but I can’t let him get away that easily. Not this time.

“Wait, Bryan. We need to talk.” He opens his mouth to speak, but I hold up my hand to stop him. “Please, just let me finish.” He nods and I try to gather my thoughts.

“There’s so much that I need to say to you, so much that I need to explain.” I pause as my emotions start to get the best of me. “I miss you,” I add quietly.

I’m afraid to look at him. I’m afraid to find what his eyes will reveal about his feelings, so instead of looking at his reaction, I let my stare fall to the ground.

Needless to say, I’m startled when I feel his hand cup my cheek. I lean into his touch and peek up at him. “I miss you too.” His whisper can barely be heard over Emmie knocking on the window to get his attention.

He turns to her and holds up one finger, letting her know that he’ll just be another minute.

Looking back at me, he surprises me when he says, “You’re right. We do need to talk. Can I call you tomorrow night?”

All weekend plans with Mom and Evan fade into the background. “Of course you can.”

His face lights up briefly, but he quickly recovers. “If you still have the same number, I’ll call you after Emmie goes to bed. I don’t want her to get all confused. Okay?” When he clarifies the purpose behind our call, my heart hurts more than a little.

I quickly regain my composure, though. “Yeah, that sounds perfect. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

Reminding myself that I need to take baby steps and that I need to be patient, helps me grasp onto the fleeting sense of hope that I had when he brushed his thumb lightly across my cheek.

I watch him get into his car and pull out of the parking lot. With a new-found sense of hope, I walk back to the main building of camp and gather my things to go home.

As the evening sun paints the sky a beautiful mix of orange and red, I recall the words that my dad wrote for me nineteen years ago. We’ve loved each other with everything we had. Now, all I need to do is be patient to see if we can get there again.

15

As promised, Mom and Evan are at the house waiting for me when I get home. I made sure they got an extra copy of the key when I moved in. You know, just in case.

There’s a car in the driveway that I don’t recognize. It’s a white Subaru and from the looks of it, it can’t be more than a few years old. I’ve never seen it here before, so when I walk in the door, I call out, “Mom? Evan? Who’s with you guys?” As I round the corner of the hallway that leads into the living room, I quickly shield my eyes as Mom readjusts her shirt and Evan his khaki cargo shorts.

“Oh my God! You two were totally making out!” I peer at them through my fingers.

“Stop it! We were not, Melanie!” Mom’s defensive tone does nothing but make her sound guiltier.

“So that means I can look now?” I spread my fingers into wider slits over my eyes as if I’m watching a scary movie.

That’s essentially what I just walked in on.

“Yes, you can look. Stop it already!” I drop my hand at Mom’s last words, but as she walks toward me something looks off. Recognizing what it is, I laugh.

“Um, Mom? If you weren’t doing anything, can you explain how,” I point at the buttons on her shirt as I count, “three of your buttons are still undone? Or did you just forget to do those this morning?” I put my hand on my hip and pop it to the side.

She quickly turns around to fix the uneven buttons and Evan chuckles softly at being caught red-handed. “It’s good to see you, Melanie. How’s camp working out?”

“It’s great, Evan. I really can’t thank you enough for telling your friend about me. I love it there.” I drop my backpack to the floor and flop on the couch. “The only real pain in the butt is having to walk there and back. It’s not bad, but two miles each way, especially after playing soccer all day with the kids is killer.” I toe my sneakers off and stretch out my legs in front of me. After flexing my toes back and forth a few times, my legs feel a little better.

“So whose car is that out front?” A rather conspiratorial look passes between the two of them, but neither of them says anything right away. “What gives, guys? Spill it already.”

“Well, now that you’re off-campus, we thought it would be nice for you to have your own car,” Mom explains with excitement tingeing her words.

“We?” Another confused look passes between the three of us before Evan speaks up.

“Well, I was the one who actually suggested it. I didn’t like the idea of you walking to and from campus.” Evan scruffs his hand over his face. He seems like he’s searching for the right words. “I would … I mean, your mom would be too worried. So I made the suggestion and we found you a car.”

Once I wrap my head around it, I jump up and clap my hands excitedly. Throwing my arms around Evan’s neck, which I have to get on my tippy-toes to do, I plant a loud kiss on his cheek. “Thank you, thank you, thank you! This is so cool.”

Mom joins us in our little group hug and hands me the keys. “Let’s take it for a spin.”

The three of us spend the next fifteen minutes driving around town and through the campus. Mom’s been here a few times so she kind of knows the lay of the land, but Evan’s never seen more than the parking lot for my old suite. Of course, he’s most interested in the athletic fields.

As we pull back into the driveway, Mom suggests that we eat dinner at “the cute little Italian place across the street.” I’ve avoided going to Bella’s in the month or so since we’ve moved in because it holds too many memories for me. I know Bella will remember me, and I just don’t know if I can deal with having to explain to her what happened. I haven’t seen Bryan’s car parked there since that day he saw me weeding the front flowerbed. I can’t imagine that he gave her the run-down on everything so I’m pretty sure she’ll grill me the second she sees me.

I’m formulating my response to say we should go somewhere else, when Evan chimes in as he rubs a hand over his stomach. “I could definitely go for home-cooked meal with my two favorite girls.” Wrapping his strong arms around me and Mom, he kisses the top of her head. Okay, fine. I guess I’ll have to give in. There’s no denying someone who’s that sweet.

Later that night, we’re sitting at a table that Bryan and I sat at once. This time around, the candles don’t have that same warm glow. The music seems off and the food, while still delicious, doesn’t have the same yum factor that it did when I was eating it from Bryan’s fork. It makes me sad to realize that the magic held within Bella’s came mostly from the magic I felt with Bryan. It just makes me miss him even more.

After we’ve all devoured our lasagna, Bella walks over to our table. I guess I was lucky to have avoided her all night.

Standing to my side, she places her hand on my shoulder and squeezes gently. “Melanie? I thought that was you. Bellisima.” She leans down and kisses my cheek. “You look beautiful. How are you?” Bella rambles on while Mom and Evan smile kindly at her.

I cup my hand over hers at my shoulder. “Mom, Evan, this is Bella, the owner.” The both shake her hand as they tell her how wonderful everything was.

“Oh, thank you, thank you. We’ve been a little short staffed, so I’m sorry if you had to wait.” Bella’s hands twist nervously at the thought that her service was sub-par.

“No, everything was wonderful. It’s a beautiful restaurant.” Bella’s face shines with pride at Evan’s compliment.

“Perfect. Well, dessert is on me tonight. It’ll be right out.” Bella then leans down to whisper in my ear. “Don’t leave without coming to see Bella, okay?” I pat her hand gently and nod in agreement. I have a feeling that I know what she wants to talk about, but I can’t tell her no.

As Bella walks away, Mom excuses herself to go to the ladies room. Evan starts nervously fidgeting with his hands. Clearing his throat, he pitches his voice low as he speaks. “Melanie, I need to talk to you.”

I lean forward so that I can hear him better. “Sure, what’s up?” When he doesn’t say anything immediately, as if he’s trying to figure out exactly what to say, I start to piece things together. I gasp and cover my mouth. “Are you …?” My question trails off as Evan shushes me. I didn’t realize I was being that loud, but when the couple at the next table peers over at us, I check my excitement and pipe down.

“Shhh. No. Not that.” His face twists in discomfort. Evan’s a big sweetie, but he’s definitely a man’s man through and through. I decide to cut him some slack and just sit intently and listen to him. “I know your mom and I haven’t been together too long, but, well … I … I really like her.”

That last line makes me choke on my water. “Not for nothing, Evan, but I doubt we’d be having such a hushed conversation if you just ‘liked’ Mom. Besides, you guys aren’t sixteen.” I raise an eyebrow at him. So much for cutting him some slack.

He sighs and leans across the small table. “Okay, fine. You win. I love her.” His words are confident and proud, not at all shy or ashamed.

I make a “carry on” gesture. I knew he loved her; I just wanted to hear him say it.

“Anyway, I was thinking of asking her to move in with me.”

“But …” I drag out the word, hoping that he’ll fill in the blank. He better spit it out before Mom comes back.

“Well, I wanted to check that it was okay with you before I asked her. My place is tiny and I know how much your mom loves your house. I don’t want to talk about moving in there with her before I know that it would be alright with you.” He grabs for my hand and, as he gently squeezes it, a tear trickles down my cheek.

Swiping it away quickly, I catch Mom walking toward the table. “I think it would be amazing for you two to move in. As long as Mom wants it, then I want it. And my answer to the question I thought you were going to answer is yes too, just so you know.” I wink at him as Mom slips into her chair. Evan becomes awkwardly silent and it doesn’t take Mom long to pick up on it.

“What were you two chatting about?” She points between Evan and me and gives us “The Look.”

Evan looks like he’s about to choke on his tongue so I cover for him. “Evan was just going over some things about the car.”

Picking up on my little, white lie, Evan adds, “Yeah, I noticed that the gear shift sticks sometimes.” He takes a sip of his water and even though he doesn’t say anything, his eyes tell me “thank you.”

After we finish our dessert and take care of the bill, Bella pulls me to the side. Mom and Evan walk back to the house; it’s only right across the street. I let them know that I shouldn’t be long.

“I need another waitress,” Bella says bluntly.

Wow, that wasn’t what I was expecting.

“Oh, Bella. I don’t know if I can. It’s just that …” She shushes me and waves her hands in front of us, literally trying to clear the air.

“I know what you’re thinking. But Bryan doesn’t come here anymore. He’s too busy with grad school – at least that’s what he said. He moved closer to Cornell and got his own place and everything. He set me up with one of his friends about a month ago and now he does all of the computer stuff.” As Bella is explaining this, I have to admit that I do recall seeing someone who looked an awful lot like Simon from the computer lab walking out of here the other day.

And did she just say a month ago? So he left Bella high and dry just because I live across the street now. I feel bad for Bella. Bryan was so much more than a tech guy for her. She genuinely liked him. My heart softens for this kind grandma-like woman standing before me.

Without much thought, I tell her yes. “But I have a job at a camp during the week until the end of the summer. I can only do weekends.” We’re momentarily distracted by a waitress walking past us. The over-loaded tray that she’s carrying wobbles precariously on her shoulder before it crashes to the floor.

“Oh dear!” Bella calls out as she grabs the broom and some dishtowels to clean up the mess. Of course I help her and the waitress apologizes profusely for screwing up. Bella tells her that it’s okay, and instructs her to go place another order.

Over a pile of spilled ravioli, Bella clasps my sauce-covered hands and says, “Thank you!”

Before I leave, we figure out a few details of when I’ll start. She reassures me a few more times that Bryan won’t be around. I’m surprised and a little hurt that he talked to her about us. But, I guess it’s for the best. We’re not together, and as much as I might be hoping for that to happen again, I’m not so sure that it will.

The next night, I anxiously wait for Bryan to call.

But he never does.

I kind of feel like a fool for thinking that he would call. I ghost my fingers over my cheek and wonder if I’ll ever get to experience his touch again. He’s moved on; I know it. I hate it, but I know it.

Rather than dwell on it though, I spend the night with the girls and Mom watching a few movies. Evan goes to bed early, though I don’t think he is all that tired. There’s no spare room so I’ve let Mom and Evan take my room while I camp out on the couch. He must be watching a baseball game or something because every now and then we hear him yelling at the television.

I’m sad to see them go on Sunday morning, but at the same time, I know that very happy things are on the horizon for everyone. Mom and I solidified plans for Maddy’s baby shower at the end of the month and we’ve also made plans to go wedding dress shopping for Maddy when I come home in August. And hopefully, helping Evan move will be part of my future too.

Waving at Evan’s car as it pulls out onto the main road, my heart feels happy. Despite Bryan blowing me off, I know that I have people who love me. And it’s weird how since I’ve let them love me, I’ve been able to love myself too.

I don’t want to be mad at Bryan for not calling. He doesn’t really owe me anything, but later that night, as I’m getting my things ready for camp in the morning, I realize that we do owe it to Emmie. I don’t want her to keep thinking that we’re together. That’s not fair to her.

Going out on a limb, I hope that he still has the same number. I never deleted his contact information. Somehow, that seemed too permanent.

I dial and nervously wait for him to pick up.

He doesn’t.

I understand that he’s hurt, but if he would just give me a chance to explain. Who knows that he would even believe me about Tyler? But the fact of the matter is, that he at least deserves to know and I deserve …

Nothing, really.

But I do need to tell him and I want to talk to him about Emmie.

I try him once more, but again, he doesn’t pick up. A deep breath and a punch to the pillow later, I’ve calmed myself down a bit. I decide that I just need to give him some space. He probably never expected to see me again; I know I didn’t expect to see him.

As I’m finishing getting my things in order for the morning, part of the perfectionism that will never leave I guess, Peyton comes into my room.

She’s leaning up against the door frame, smiling like an idiot. “Why are you so cheery? That’s very unlike you.” I stick my tongue out at her as she feigns a sarcastic laugh.

“I just came to tell you that you have a visitor.” She smirks again as she crosses her arms over her chest.

“Who the hell would be visiting me at,” I glance over at the glowing red numbers of my alarm clock, “ten on a Sunday night?”

There’s that silly smirk again. “Well, I guess you’ll just have to find out.” And with that she walks out of my room.

Pulling back the curtain on the front window, I take a look at the front porch to see who’s paying me a visit. When I see Bryan not-so-calmly pacing back and forth, one hand in his pocket, the other combing through his hair, the air is sucked out of my lungs.

I take a deep, calming breath, but it does nothing to ease my racing heart.

I open the door and step out into the humid summer air. Bryan stops his pacing and just stares at me with a lost look on his face.

Softly clicking the door behind me, I suddenly can’t find any words.

“Sorry for coming by so late.” He rakes his hands through his hair again and then folds them behind his head.

“It’s okay.” I motion to the front step and we take a seat. Perched on opposite sides of a somewhat wide step, we both gaze out into the night sky. As I get lost in the blackness that is speckled with thousands of points of light, the lines of Grace Potter & The Nocturnals’ “Stars” play through my head.

After a few beats of silence, we both say “So.” at the same time. “You go first.” I concede, mostly because I want to hear why he came here.

Propping his elbow up on his bent knee, he turns to face me. “I didn’t expect to see you … at the camp, I mean. Or living across from Bella’s, for that matter.”

“You can imagine how surprised I was to see Emmie, then. How come she’s here, Bryan?” His leg starts bouncing wildly at my question. Even though I’m shaking, I reach over and place my hand on his knee. When he calms down, I remove my hand, though it’s the last thing I want to do.

“It’s my parents. The divorce is a fucking shit storm.” He stares up into the night sky and with an unsteady voice, he continues. “My mom is not dealing well at all.” He pauses and sighs loudly. “She got really depressed and she started drinking.” After another brief pause, he adds, “A lot – a-whole-fucking-lot actually. It got so bad that my dad was going to file for sole custody for Emmie. The asshole who walked out on us actually wanted to take Emmie away.” An angry, flippant snarl escapes his mouth.

I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything. I just give him some room to breathe and think.

He pinches the bridge of his nose and looks over at me. “By some stroke of luck, the judge decided that he would give my mom one last chance if she went to rehab and got herself cleaned up. I drove down there to get her this past weekend.” He sighs loudly trying to gain his composure. “So while she’s away, Emmie is living with me. Hopefully it’s just for the summer.”

“Bryan, I’m so …”

“Don’t you dare say you’re sorry. I don’t want anyone’s pity.” His harsh words cut through me worse than any knife would.

Twisting my fingers together nervously, I recover my thoughts and try for something a bit more hopeful. “Emmie seems to be doing well, though. I mean she was really happy at camp.” I offer up a smile, but it goes unnoticed. “Where is she now?”

“She’s asleep. My neighbor is watching her,” he answers tersely. After a deep breath, he adds, “She’s doing better now that she’s not at home. But then seeing you …” The pained look on his face breaks my heart.

I want to believe that it’s not his intention to hurt me, but that belief is fading – quickly. “That’s why I tried to call. I just wanted to see what you told Emmie so that I don’t say anything to upset her.”

With his penetrating stare searing through my soul, I feel vulnerable, but for the first time in a long time, I feel alive. I feel renewed, like maybe there’s a chance that he’s seeing this new Melanie. Maybe he’s seeing how different I am. He always saw the version of me that I wanted to see myself as, so maybe, just maybe, he’s seeing the new me. But, when he looks away, I lose hope in that theory.

“I told her that we’re just friends now. She asked if we were divorced like Mom and Dad.” Well, damn. There goes that hope. I want to ask if he meant what he said when he told me that he missed me. I want to wrap my arms around him and take away his pain. I want to curl up against his side and fall asleep in his arms.

But this isn’t about what I want.

“So if she asks about us, just tell her that we’re friends. And if she says anything about my parents, tell her that they are trying to be friends too. She understands that. It’ll just make it easier on her.” His voice is resolved and guarded.

“I can do that. I do want to be friends, Bryan. I know I hurt you, but …”

He cuts me off again. “I don’t know if I can be just friends with you.”

Does that mean he wants to be more?

In a moment of bravery, I decide to share my feelings. Twisting toward him and grabbing his hand, he shoots me a shocked look at the contact. “Look, Bryan. I don’t want to be friends. I meant what I said on Friday when I told you that I miss you. I want to be like we used to be … no, wait … what I mean is that I want to be more than we used to. I’m different, now. I never …”

Just as the words “I never cheated.” are on the tip of my tongue, he stands abruptly and bellows a frustrated scream out into the darkness.

He turns toward me once more, his voice a smidge lower than a yell. “I loved you! I loved you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. And it meant nothing to you. We meant nothing to you.” On a growl, he turns away from me once again and stares up at the twinkling stars. “Fuck, Melanie. I needed you. These last few months …” His words get stuck behind the emotion he’s working so hard to stifle.

Unable to see him in this much anguish any longer, I stand next to him, but don’t touch him. “I can be here for you now. If you’ll let me, I can be your friend and then maybe …”

The rest of my sentence is swallowed whole by his kiss. His lips are on mine hot and fast. With one hand tangling in my hair, and another gripping hard at my waist, he pulls our bodies together. The feel of his hard muscles pressed up against my soft curves is more than perfect, more than heavenly. It’s a hard and passionate kiss, one that is sure to leave my lips swollen. His tongue licks and dips into the corners of my mouth, tasting me – no, devouring me. I inhale his sweet cinnamon breath – breathe it into my lungs, make it part of my existence.

Sucking hard on my lower lip, he pulls it into his mouth. He absorbs the groan of pleasure that I make when he bites on my captured lip. My arms wrap around his neck and tangle into his soft hair. Just as I’m about to pull him closer to me, he pulls away, leaving me breathless.

With our foreheads pressed together, he whispers, “Maybe what, Melanie?”

“Maybe we could …” I get distracted by his nose running up the length of mine.

“Yeah, maybe,” he states calmly with a hooded and lustful look on his face.

And then he walks away from me, confidently strutting toward his car - leaving me speechless, hopeful and completely confused at the same time.

Since I don’t have to walk to camp anymore, I can sleep in another thirty minutes. Which of course means that I oversleep. Jumping from bed, I call Will right away and let him know that I’ll be a few minutes late. He laughs at my harried and frantic voice, but tells me that it’s okay.

“Do you want me to come pick you up?” I’m sure that his offer has more to do with getting to talk to me alone than it does with getting me to work quickly.

“No, it’s okay really. My mom bought me a car this weekend. I’ll be there in like ten minutes.” I hang up quickly and thank the OCD lords that I’ve laid out my clothes and packed my lunch the night before.

I would have liked to get to camp early today too. I never got the chance to tell Bryan about Tyler and what did not happen between us. Oh well, I’ll just have to tell him today when he picks up Emmie.

I pull into the parking lot and race over to the arts and crafts room. The kids start out every Monday morning drawing pictures of what they did over the weekend. I find Emmie immediately and when I catch a glimpse of her picture, I am blown away.

“Wow, Emmie! Did you draw that?” I lean over her shoulder and instantly recognize what she’s drawn. It’s a picture of the gorge that Bryan and I went hiking through on our first date. I’ll never forget the beauty of that place for as long as I live.

“I did,” she says proudly. Emmie smiles at me and it’s as beautiful as the stars I saw in the sky last night. “Bryan took me there this weekend.” Emmie returns her attention to her picture where she carefully writes a title in bold capital letters across the top. “Happy Times Waterfall.” She then adds “To: Melanie” at the top and “Love: Emmie” at the bottom before handing me her work of art.

“Thank you so much, sweetie. Are you sure I can have it?” Emmie nods excitedly, and I know that not accepting it is not an option. Holding it before me, I examine it once more; it really is a beautiful drawing. I can tell that art is her thing. “That’s a really cute title, Emmie. How’d you come up with that?”

“That’s what it’s called, silly,” she quips with as much sarcasm as any thirteen-year-old girl is supposed to have.

I poke her in the arm. “No, silly. It’s called Hemlock Gorge.”

“You can call it whatever you want. But when I asked Bryan, he said something about happy times. I like Happy Times better than Hemlock or whatever you called it.”

Clutching the paper to my chest, this crayon scribbled picture from a teenage girl has now become one of my most precious possessions.

I feel like I’m walking on clouds the rest of the day. Knowing that Bryan took Emmie where he was happy with me makes me even more hopeful. The day passes by in a blur and my stomach is in knots as I wait in the parking lot for Bryan to pick up Emmie. She’s running around in the small field to the side of the parking lot with a few of her friends and another counselor. I’m lost in my daydreams of the maybes that Bryan and I spoke about last night, so when Will sits down next to me, I’m momentarily startled.

“Hey, how was your weekend?” He sees me jump slightly and laughs.

“Good. It was great to see my mom.” I might be speaking to him, but I’m preoccupied with scanning the lot for Bryan’s car.

“And you got a car out of it too, huh? That’s a pretty sweet deal.” He grins at me as he points to my car parked next to his.

“Yeah, it was a total surprise. I love it though.”

Standing before me, he holds out his hand. “Come show me.” He doesn’t ask so I can’t really say no.

“I can’t. These kids are …”

Will waves over to Samantha, the other counselor and she waves back at us. “The kids are what? They’re fine. Samantha is out there. I want to see your new ride.” I give in, but stand on my own – without taking his hand.

When we’re over to my car, I stand by the driver’s door as he peers into the window. “Well, here it is. Not much to it. Four doors, a few tires and a steering wheel.” I think he can tell that I’m trying to avoid him. I’ve been doing it all day.

Without saying anything, he leans up against the car and smiles at me seductively. “So, about Friday. Are you free?” That was his ploy the whole time. He wasn’t really interested in my car. He just wanted to get me far enough away from the kids so that he could talk to me privately.

Nervousness sets in. Bryan should be here any minute and this is the last thing he needs to see – me pressed up against a car while Will is trying to get me to go out with him. “Look, Will. I like you, but only as a friend.”

“Okay, so we’ll go out as friends.” He’s not getting it. The truth is that if it wasn’t for Bryan, I would be more tempted to give in. Will’s attractive and funny. At only twenty-two years old, he’s still well within my acceptable dating age.

“Thanks, Will, but I’m still going to have to say no.” Without missing a beat, he reaches for the strand of hair that just fell from behind me ear. After he sweeps it back in place, he lightly traces his thumb down my cheekbone. “Are you sure about that?” he asks softly.

“I’m flattered, Will. Really, I am. I just can’t.” I pull his hand away from my face and he takes that opportunity to bring my knuckles to his lips.

Grazing over them lightly, he mumbles against my skin, “Can’t or won’t?” His eyes are pleading with me to give in.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Searching for some kind of strength, I huff out a frustrated sigh. “No, Will. I won’t. Thank you but really, we’re just friends.” Before I can even push his hand away from mine, I hear the gravel crunch under someone’s approaching footsteps.

“Just friends, huh?” Bryan’s angry voice quietly rumbles from behind Will’s back. Throwing his hands up in the air, Bryan mumbles, “Fuck this!” as he stalks away.

Running after him, I call out, “No! Wait, Bryan! Wait!” He turns on his heel so quickly that I nearly collide into his hard chest. “What, Melanie?” There’s pain in his eyes and I can see the fight leave his body as his shoulders sag.

“I can explain.” The lame words die in the air between us.

“There’s nothing to fucking explain. You’re apparently just friends with him too,” he seethes, but doesn’t yell as he recalls our talk from the night before. Scrubbing his hands over his face and through his hair in restrained anger, he leans down so that only I can hear him. “Just when I thought I could trust you … when I thought I could possibly let you in again … you go and fuck me over … make me look like a fool. I- I’m done, Melanie. I just can’t …” There’s so much pain and anguish in his voice. The last of his words are muffled almost painfully as he walks away from me. He sounds as if he’s about to cry and part of me wishes that he would. I deserve his anger – his yelling and cursing. But instead, I get restrained anger and seething pain.

Standing there numbly and near tears, I watch as Emmie runs over to Bryan. He helps her get into the car and he pulls away from me.

But this time, I feel like it’s really for the last time.