Let Love Heal

16

It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve finally let go of the idea that Bryan and I will ever get back together. No matter how many times I tried to talk to him over the summer, whether it was calling him or waiting for him to get Emmie at camp, he always avoided me. He wasn’t rude or mean. Keeping up the appearance of being friends for Emmie’s sake, he was usually cordial. As nice as his attempts at civility might have been, I could always sense his anger and hurt bubbling just beneath the surface.

I was sad to see Emmie leave at the end of the summer. I cried as I hugged her goodbye because I would genuinely miss her, but also because I knew that when she walked out of my life, so would Bryan. He waited by his car on that final day, giving Emmie and I our space. She drew me another picture that day – one of her and me holding hands. There were tears in her eyes too as she pulled away from me and walked toward Bryan.

I wanted to run to him. I wanted to yell and scream and explain myself until I ran out of words to tell him, but the resolute nod that he directed at me across the parking lot was my cue that whatever maybes existed on that night that he kissed me, were dead and buried.

Absolutely refusing to go back to that dark place where I resided after Bryan and I broke up, and completely loathing the girl I was before that, I made a promise to myself to hold my head high. I waved at them as they pulled away and whispered “I love you,” to him even though he would never hear it.

I’d like to say that with everything else that happened over the end of the summer, I didn’t think about Bryan much, but I’d be lying. When Maddy and Reid’s baby was born, I cried more tears of joy than I thought possible. And when Evan moved into the house, it instantly felt like more of a home than it had ever been. Mom is the happiest I’ve ever known her to be and that makes me feel freer than ever.

Even now, as the cool fall air breezes through my open window, I feel at home. That’s what this place has become for me. What started out as a dusty and dirty place to live, quickly transformed into home filled with laughter and tons of happy memories. I know that when Cammie and Lia graduate at the end of the year I’ll be sad. More than sad actually.

But I also know that I’ll survive. Hey, maybe even Peyton will stay in Ithaca after her grad-program ends, but who knows. What I do know is that I’ve found happiness in the moments of quiet, and for the first time in my entire life, I am really and truly happy with who I am. I’ve made peace with my mistake and with the insecure girl I used to be. Those feelings of guilt and unworthiness have been replaced by ones of pride and love.

As I step out onto the front porch, I fix the Jack-o-Lantern that we carved the other night. It’s lumpy and bumpy, not perfectly round, so it never stays upright for long. Maybe that’s why I picked it. It reminded me of myself in some ways. Picking up a few stray candy wrappers from last night’s eager trick-or-treaters, I walk across the street to Bella’s and get ready for my Friday night shift.

Bella was right when she hired me. I haven’t run into Bryan once since starting here back in July. The thought saddens me more than a little. But it also reminds me that he’s moved on as well. I hope for his sake, and for Emmie’s too, that things have worked out with his mom. I imagine that the divorce is finalized and things are hopefully back to normal.

Whatever the hell “normal” means, anyways.

As I’m setting up the wait station, Laurie, the hostess, comes up and hands me a ticket for a table she just seated in my section. “He’s really cute too.” She winks before walking away. Cute, huh? Okay, I could go for some cute in my life. I haven’t had much of any cuteness since Will took me out on our one-and-only date. It was at the end of the summer after I knew Bryan and I were definitely done. I couldn’t help it. Will was sweet and persistent as hell. It was an okay night; I can’t deny that. But when he walked me to my door and gently pressed his lips up against mine, there was no spark, no desire, no rapid fluttering of butterflies in my belly.

Dismissing thoughts of how pathetic my love life has been since Bryan, I focus my attention back to the hottie who Laurie just seated at one of my tables. Knowing my luck, he’s probably with his girlfriend. The cute ones don’t come here with their grandmothers.

I peek out from behind the wall that separates the wait station from the dining room and when I see Bryan sitting at the table I was just assigned, I laugh inwardly at Laurie’s “cute” description. He’s not cute.

He’s freaking gorgeous.

And he’s with a girl – a girl who is most definitely not his grandmother.

From where I’m standing, or spying, depending on how you want to look at it, I can see them, but they can’t see me. Bryan’s wearing a pale blue, fitted, polo that pulls oh-so-nicely across his muscled chest. If he were standing up, I’d be able to comment on how fine his ass looks in the charcoal grey dress pants he’s wearing, but since he’s not, I’ll just have to use my imagination. His hair looks longer than usual, but it still has that styled-yet-unstyled look to it. My fingers twitch at the thought of running through the silky strands.

And of course the girl he’s with is gorgeous too. Petite with shiny brown hair that sways gently at her shoulders when she laughs, she looks like a model. When she brings her glass up to her plump red lips, I ghost the pad of my thumb over mine and try to recall what it felt like to have Bryan’s lips pressed there.

The feeling is fleeting though.

He hasn’t been mine for months, and watching the two of them share a laugh across the candle lit table, it’s clear that he’ll never be mine.

Deep breath. Head high. Big-girl panties on.

I step out into the dining room and immediately trip over the leg of a chair that hasn’t been pushed in all the way. Quickly recovering, I hope that no one has seen me, but of course I can’t be that lucky. When the “oh shit,” slips out of my mouth, Bryan looks up at me from his table. I wave shyly from behind his girlfriend and the most adorable and sexy grin splits his face.

I take that as my cue to approach them even though my heart is hammering in my chest at the thought of speaking to him again. Add in the minor complication that he’s on a freaking date and well, you can just imagine my current pulse rate.

Swallowing back my nervousness, and my pride for that matter, I stand before them. “Hi, Bryan. It’s so good to see you again.” Wow, that sounded cheesy even to my own ears.

“Hey, Melanie. Yeah, you too.” A spell of awkward silence falls in our little bubble as we just stare at each other for a moment. The silence is broken by a throat being cleared.

“Hi, I’m Abbey.” Of course she has a cute as a button southern drawl. I don’t want to be rude, well I do, but I won’t. Extending my hand to her, we shake politely.

“So how do you guys know each other?” She gestures her hand in between me and Bryan. Quickly gauging his inability to speak, I answer for him.

“We used to work together when he was at Ithaca.” She nods at my answer as Bryan busies himself with taking a sip of water. In desperate need to get away from the awkwardness, I pull out my notepad and pen. “So what can I get you tonight?”

They place their orders and I try my best to maintain the composure I thought I had. But, watching them talk and laugh with each other, wears on me. Every now and then, I catch Bryan looking over at the wait station, or his eyes track me as I serve the other tables. By the end of their meal, I feel trampled on. It’s one thing to feel like you’ve moved on, but to see the other person actually moving on right in front of you, well, it forces you to take a few steps back.

Their conversation draws on well past the “finished with dessert” portion of their date, so when I drop the check on their table, I let them know that there’s no rush before abruptly turning away. My words and my eyes do not conceal my pain though. It’s crazy how I thought I was doing well, how I thought I had moved on.

So much for that.

Collecting their bill, and rather generous tip, about twenty minutes later, I say “thank you” with as much politeness as I can muster. But the other table that has been busting my non-existent balls all night has frayed my nerves. Add that to my crushed-to-a-million pieces heart from Bryan’s table, and I’m just glad that I’m the first to be cut tonight. It’s slow anyway so it’s not like I’ll be losing out on that much money.

Sometime around ten, I step out into the autumn night. The air is cool and crisp, and if I had to walk further than just across the street, I would need much more than my thin white button up waitress shirt. Taking a few minutes to regain my composure, I lean against the back of the building and pinch the bridge of my nose. On a deep inhale and a shaky sigh, I push off of the beat-up wood siding and nearly scream when Bryan appears before me.

Out of pure instinct, I punch him lamely on the arm in self-defense. “Holy fucking shit! You scared the crap out of me.” I am practically panting as the fear recedes.

Feigning injury as he rubs the spot on his arm that I just punched, Bryan’s face contorts into a knot of faux pain. Calling his bluff, I smirk at him – once I realize it’s him – and laugh at his antics. “Oh, stop it. I barely even got you.”

“I don’t know. There might be some bruising,” he jokes as he lifts the short sleeve of his polo shirt up over his bicep. When I see the small, red welt that I’ve caused, I reach out to soothe it and then realize that touching his muscled and goose bump-covered flesh would not be a good idea.

So instead of doing what my fingers feel compelled to do, I shove my hands into my pockets and rock on my heels. “Sorry ‘bout that.” While both of us sober from our momentary burst of playfulness born from my inner scaredy-cat, Bella steps out of the back door with an over-stuffed bag of trash in tow.

“Here. Let me get that, Bella.” Always the gentleman, my swoon-radar goes into full swing. I doubt there will ever be a time when what Bryan says or does will not have an effect on me.

With a wink and a nod, Bella retreats into her restaurant while saying, “You two have a good night.”

But a “good night” is the last thing I’ll have. Bryan was here on a date. With snarky accusations resting on the tip of my tongue, I stare up into the night sky and try to gather as much strength from the beauty that I see there as possible.

Turns out that it isn’t much.

Before the silence can descend upon us, I step to the side and offer up a lame smile. “I should get going.” I point in the direction of my small, but cozy home.

When I’m no more than a step past him, I hear the gravel crush under his feet as he turns toward my retreating back. “Melanie.” My name sounds more like a question as it tumbles off his soft lips. When he adds, “please,” right after my name, I stop dead in my tracks.

Unable to ignore the pained tone of his words, I turn to face him. Still unable to look in his eyes, I keep mine glued to the rocks and pebbles beneath me.

They’re suddenly very interesting.

Bryan’s shiny black dress shoes inch into view. For each step that I take backward, he takes another one forward. My head is a scrambled mess, and after seeing him here with another girl tonight, I just don’t know if I can be in such close proximity with him again.

His long fingers grasp my wrist as he pulls me into his space. With his other hand, he tips my chin up so that our eyes meet.

As his thumb gently traces the line of my jaw, I want to lean into it. I want to inhale the woodsy, clean scent of his cologne, but I know if I do, I’ll melt into a puddle of nothingness at his feet.

He doesn’t say anything at first. We just stand there – gazes locked, skin aflame, hearts pounding. As Bryan leans in to kiss me, his lips are so close that I can smell the cinnamon on his breath. My stomach flops both out of desire and of disgust.

Drawing on every ounce of strength I have come to find in myself over the last few months, I force myself to take a step back. “Bryan, I can’t. I mean you were just … we shouldn’t.” I sound like I’m chewing on my tongue – the words just don’t come out as easily as I want them to.

Stepping toward me once more, he extends his hand to my face and cups my cheek. “It wasn’t a date, Melanie.” For the second time tonight, my world spins slightly off its axis.

“But you two were … it looked like … I don’t get it.” So much for inner strength – or eloquence for that matter.

Lacing his fingers together with mine, he brings my knuckles up to his soft lips. “I know what it looked like, but it wasn’t.” He brushes our joined fingers across his stubble-roughened jawline and leans into my them as they move across his skin.

“But, Bryan …” My breathless words are lost in the cool autumn air.

Pulling our hands from his face and back to his lips once more, he plants one last gentle kiss on the palm of my hand before releasing it all together. “There are no buts. It wasn’t a date. Abbey is a new student in my grad-school program. She wanted me to show her around, and when she saw Bella’s, she insisted that we eat here. I had no idea that you worked here, but I should have known better when Bella laughed and wagged an eyebrow at me when I walked in.”

He tucks a rebellious strand of hair that is blowing wildly in the breeze behind my ear and lets his fingers tangle in the hair at my nape for more than a quick beat. Angling my head up to his, he cups my cheek with his other hand and whispers, “I miss you,” when he’s less than a centimeter from my lips.

When his mouth touches mine, time stops. He moves so slowly that I can almost feel every line and crevice on his plump lips. The heat of his kiss brands me; it sears through my soul and sets flight to a swarm of butterflies in my belly. His tongue lightly traces the crease of my sealed lips seeking permission to enter, but when I open my mouth to speak, to tell him that we need to talk, he takes it as an open invitation to make love to my mouth.

His tongue presses up against mine and tangles and weaves it magic; I’m lost to any kind of logical thought. Out of pure lust, I wrap my arms around his waist and pull his body flush against mine. With the cool chill in the air and the sweltering heat radiating between us, my nipples harden instantly. Feeling them rub up against his chest, even if it is through the layers of clothing that we’re wearing, forces a flood of moisture to pool in my panties.

With his lips still dancing erotically over mine, Bryan mumbles, “I want you. Please, let me have you.”

“I’m yours, Bryan. Only yours.” As our lips fuse together once more, all thoughts of the things I need to say, of the things he needs to know, simply vanish.

I don’t think either of us know how it happens, but in what feels like seconds we’re crashing through my front door, pulling and tearing at each other’s clothes. The girls may very well have been in the living room. I think I heard Cammie call out our names while Lia whistled loudly, but when I hear the soft click and turn of my bedroom lock, all other noise fades into the background. Our collective and ragged breaths are the only sound that remains.

Opening my mouth in an attempt to start explaining myself, to tell Bryan what didn’t happen with Tyler, proves to be a fruitless effort. Bryan inhales my exhale and his lips are sealed to mine.

Passion and desire take over rational thought as my body melts into his. We stumble backwards until my legs hit the bed. Needing to feel more of his skin against mine, I pull at his shirt until it’s freed from the waistband of his pants – in which his ass does look fantastic, by the way.

His abs ripple as he pulls his shirt over his head the rest of the way. As if his chest has some kind of magnetic pull, my fingertips are drawn to his skin. Tracing through the dusting of light brown hair that’s scattered across his chest, I trace the line of hair that descends down his stomach and under his belt. His breath hitches and my name tumbles out of his mouth on a garbled moan.

At a painstakingly slow pace, Bryan unbuttons my top. Instead of taking it off all the way, he surprises me when he leaves it and pulls at the button on my pants. I kick off my ugly black waitress shoes and shimmy out of my pants. Standing before him in my white lace bra and matching panties with the flaps of my white top billowing around me, I feel anything but virginal.

I feel renewed – like a fresh start might be within my grasp.

Embracing my new-found confidence and my wanton desire for the man standing before me, I slowly pull the shirt from my body. I release the clasp of my bra and drop it rather unceremoniously to the floor. An unsteady breath hisses through Bryan’s teeth. “Oh God, Melanie. You’re … beautiful.”

As Bryan starts raining down kisses on my lips, across my jaw, down my neck and to the upper swell of my breasts, my breathing becomes labored. Need spikes through my veins and threatens to consume me whole. All thoughts of talking disappear. We can do that after.

Wrapping one arm around my waist, Bryan lifts me slightly and places me on the bed. I prop myself up on my elbows so that I can watch him undress the rest of the way. When he steps out of his tight-fitting navy blue boxers, my mouth goes dry. All moisture is being sent south as my body pulses with need for his naked body.

A quick second later, Bryan has my panties off and on the floor with the rest of our clothes. We stare, wide-eyed and lust-filled, at each other for a moment, lost in the beauty of one another. As he lowers his body onto mine, I revel in the feel of his weight pushing me into the mattress. The need to lick and taste him overwhelms me and, as I devour his neck, I murmur, “I missed you so much. Please … I need …” My words evaporate into thin air as my hips begin to roll and gyrate on their own accord.

His large palm grips my waist to calm me. “Shh … we’ll get there. I just need to kiss every inch of you first.” When his kisses across my neck and chest turn into hot, wet, sucks and licks, my nipples pucker as if they’re reaching out to take part in the torture he’s unleashing on my skin. And what a beautiful torture it is. The flicking of his tongue on one diamond-hard tip partnered with rolling the other with his fingers, stokes the fire he’s already set low in my belly. I tangle my fingers in his silky, brown hair and hold him to my breast before pushing him further down my body.

When he stops at my belly button to plant a kiss there, I surprise myself by not trying to cover myself up. I know he finds me beautiful. It’s a knowledge I wish I had months ago, but at that point, I didn’t believe it about myself. Bryan gazes up at me both awestruck and proud of my newfound confidence.

I believe it now.

Pushing my thighs open, he takes in the sight of me bared before him. His fingers lightly trace over my wet lower lips with such sweet reverence. Almost without warning, he dips his finger inside. “Ahhhh … Bryan …” It’s a bite of pleasure mixed with pain.

“Are you okay, Melanie? Talk to me, please. I don’t want to hurt you.” His eyes are wide like saucers and filled with concern.

“No, you are definitely not hurting me. It’s just … been a while, that’s all.” While my brain scrambles to find the next set of words that should logically follow those, my tongue gets tied in my mouth.

When Bryan says, “Yeah, for me too.” I’m shocked into silence.

I sit upright and kiss him with everything I’ve got. He may not have been mine these last months, but maybe in some way he was. So I claim him with my lips and tongue and only hope that he’s doing the same. Still sitting up, still lip-locked, Bryan slides two fingers through my folds and works them deep inside of me.

“Yes, Bryan. Yes! Please don’t stop!” His fingers thrust deep inside of me, hitting a spot that literally forces me to grind down harder on his hand. When his thumb begins gently rubbing small circles on my clit, the grinding becomes frantic and my impending orgasm causes my insides to flutter wildly.

My need to touch him is spurred on by my need to come. Kneeling before me, his cock is jutting out at me, beckoning me to stroke it.

So, I do.

The feel of him pushing his hips up and gliding his length through my unskilled palm makes me feel powerful. The smell of sex is all around us, and when he calls out my name on a stifled groan, it becomes a heady mix.

Somehow he maintains his stroking while I maintain mine. My clit is on fire within minutes and my legs shake as my orgasm builds. “Bry, I’m gonna … oh God, Bryan … Bryan … Bryan …” His name falling from my lips matches the rhythm of his thrusts and on one last push to the sweet spot deep within, I’m coming … hard.

Bryan wraps his arm around my back to hold me in place and his fingers continue their relentless, yet delicious torment. Pulling a nipple deep into his hot mouth, his sucking mimics the motion of his fingers, and before I realize it, a second wave of pleasure crashes straight on the heels of the first. “Bryan …” His name disappears in our kiss - heated and hard, full of passion and angst, gone missing for far too long.

I flop back on the bed, no longer able to hold myself upright, even with Bryan’s arm banded around my waist. A sheen of sweat covers my skin and goose bumps dot my flesh, which is now chilled in the absence of Bryan’s warm body. He kneels between my legs, his cock in hand just staring down at me with something that looks a lot like love shimmering in his eyes.

But now is not the time for words.

I pull a condom out of my nightstand and hand it to him. I reach up and wrap my hand around his. Together we stroke the length of his cock, from root to tip a few times. He pulls out of my grasp and rolls the condom down his length. When he’s covered and ready to go, I pull him down on top of me. He wastes no time gently nudging at my entrance. Rolling my hips up to meet his, we’re both tempting each other, dancing together in a dangerous temptation.

“Please, Bryan. Please make love to me.” I know that my plea is a risky one, one that could push him away, but this is what I want right now. I’m finally not afraid to voice what I want and I don’t know how many more chances I’ll get with him.

When he finally enters me, inch-by-agonizing-inch, it’s a risk I am so glad I took. Jaw clenched, veins bulging and muscles straining, Bryan looks like he is holding onto his control by a thread. “Ahhh, Melanie … so fucking tight …” His movements are slow and shallow at first, but I open to him immediately. A startled scream fills the room when he fills me completely – a noise mixed of our joined pleasure.

“Please move, Bryan, please … I need more.” Lightly grazing my nails down his muscled chest leaves angry red streaks in their wake, but it spurs him on to give me exactly what I asked for. Hooking my legs into the crooks of his arms, he holds them there as he drives into me hard and fast. “Fuck … Melanie … I’m gonna come … Melanie …”

He pulls out and removes the condom and tosses it on the floor. Stroking his cock in his tightened fist, he comes in thick white ropes on my stomach. It’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. My clit pulses with the need to be touched one more time. So I reach down and rub slow, lazy circles on it while Bryan continues milking the last of his orgasm. “Yeah, Melanie … touch yourself … my God, you’re so beautiful when you come. Come for me, baby,” he calls out as he moves to my side to toy with my breast.

The second his lips wrap around the pink bud of my nipple, I come in a hot rush of pleasure unlike the previous two. My body splinters into a million pieces, and just when I think I can’t take any more, Bryan nuzzles into the crook of my neck and whispers, “Simply breathtaking, baby.”

Did he just call me baby?

But before I can say anything, the bed shifts and he gets up. Grabbing a clean washcloth from the pile of folded laundry sitting atop my dresser, he cleans my belly before pulling the comforter over us.

With my arm wrapped around his waist and my leg draped across his, I rest my cheek on his chest and revel in the feel of being next to him. It’s a place I never thought I’d be again. He kisses the crown of my head and exhales a deep breath.

After a few minutes of relative silence punctuated only by the sound of his heart beating beneath my ear, I finally gather the courage to say what I’ve needed to say since I found out about it myself. “Bryan, we need to talk.”

“Yeah, we do.”

As his fingers tangle in my auburn locks, sleep claims me before any words can be spoken.

17

When Bryan’s arm bands around my waist from behind, pulling me closer to his body, I’m startled awake. I gasp and he chuckles at me. The deep rumbling in his chest vibrates against my back.

“What’s so funny back there?” I smirk even though I know he can’t see it.

“You are.” He squeezes me more tightly and plants a sweet kiss on my shoulder. “Guess you’re not used to waking up with anyone, huh?”

I wiggle my ass into his growing erection. “No, I’m definitely not used to waking up to this.” One more wiggle emphasizes exactly what I mean by this.

I’m surprised by how easy it is to joke with him, but then again, that’s how it’s always been with Bryan.

Easy.

We both share a light laugh before the stilted silence descends upon us. I turn over to face him and prop my head up on my hand. Tucking his arms under his head, he stares up at the nothingness that the ceiling provides.

“Bryan, I need to say some things.” On my words he abruptly turns to his side and faces me. “So do I, Melanie.” His voice is laced with pain and I can only imagine what put it there.

Me.

We sit up and rest against the headboard. With the sheet pulled tightly across my chest and draped loosely around his waist, I inhale a cleansing breath and offer up a small prayer that things turn out well.

His hand falling on top of mine and squeezing gently gives me the last push of strength I need to start talking. “I never slept with that other guy,” I blurt the words and feel instantly lighter they are out of my mouth.

He shifts abruptly and stares at me with a knot of confusion marring his beautiful face. My stomach twists with guilt at having not told him this piece of information months ago.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he closes his eyes tightly. “I’m sorry, but what did you just say?” The stupefied look that’s plastered to his face does nothing to hide his emotions.

“I know I should have told you a long time ago, but every time I tried to, something happened.” I can see the look of confusion recede slightly as he recalls our few and angry encounters over the summer. Feeling the need to clarify the course of events, I add, “There really was never a good time to tell you. When you first told me about knowing that the text from Courtney was an old picture, the words just got jumbled up in my brain. I wanted to tell you, but you just walked away from me. I even tried to last night, but you were so adamant about … other things … that I just, well, call me selfish, but I wanted you too and I just didn’t want to talk about that and ruin the chance to be with you again.”

On a loud exhale, he rubs his hands over his face as if he’s trying to wake up from this nightmare. “I know. I didn’t want any words to get in the way last night either,” he says softly as he brushes my hair out of my face. I take his nod as a cue to continue my long overdue explanation.

“You already know that I was in a shitty place before we both went home for vacation.” He nods again and it gives me a little strength to carry on. “Well, my mood had a lot to do with us, but it also had a lot to do with other things. I wasn’t happy with who I was. I wasn’t happy about the twists and turns that my life was taking.” I inhale what I hope to be a calming breath, but it gets caught in the thick emotions clogging my throat. “Maddy almost died, and then I found out she was having a baby and leaving me alone. Mom was alone and sad again. Then the stuff with you not calling and thinking you had moved on from me …” My rambling trails off and mixes with the tears that streak down my cheeks. The pad of his thumb wiping away my tears lifts my downcast gaze.

He pulls my lips to his as both palms now gently cup my cheeks. “Tell me the rest. Please.” His eyes are begging for the rest of the story.

“I was partying a lot, too, when I was home. I think Maddy knew, but she never really confronted me. It got bad real quick. It was a way to numb everything, to not have to feel all the things that were making me sad. I didn’t even want to hang out with Maddy all that much. It was like her happiness just made me sadder.” On a deep shuddery breath, he sweeps my hair back once more. “The night I got that text from Courtney, I had already convinced myself that you no longer wanted me. I was drunk. Well, actually shitfaced is more like it. I was talking with a guy. We were drinking, a lot. And after the text, I drank some more, a lot more. We kissed – fooled around a little - but that was it. I promise.”

We sit in silence for a few moments. He doesn’t say anything and I want to give him the space to absorb what I’ve just told him. He finally looks at me. “But I don’t understand, Melanie.” He sighs as he scratches his head. “You said … I mean … how did you … what made you think that you slept with him.” The last few words catch in his throat.

I’ve actually thought about this a lot. I blamed myself for ruining our relationship for so long; I had a lot of time on my own to try and figure it all out. “Bryan, I’m so sorry. I never meant to put us through this, but I think part of it was that I always thought the worst of myself. I remember talking to him. I remember the kiss and the call and then the rest is a blurry mess.” I sniffle and wipe my nose with the back of my hand in a rather unladylike fashion. “I woke up the next morning with in someone else’s shirt, my jeans were unsnapped, my bra was missing and I guess through my hangover fog, I assumed the worst. When I happened to run in to Tyler over spring break, that night came into focus. I wanted to tell you right away, you have to believe me, but you wanted nothing to do with me.” Bryan looks utterly disgusted with me. Hell, so was I when I first found out. But, sitting up a bit straighter, I feel lightened by the truth I’ve just unveiled.

Scrubbing a hand through the light stubble that decorates his jaw, he huffs and closes his eyes. I can tell he’s struggling with what I just told him, but the reality is that he wanted me last night before he even knew about any of this. Emboldened by that thought, I scoot an inch closer to him and cup his cheek. Turning his face to mine, I call him out on last night. “But you didn’t know this last night, Bryan. You didn’t know any of it, but you still wanted me. I saw it in your eyes and felt it in your touch too. Last night was not just a one night thing for you.” I lace our fingers together in my lap and squeeze gently.

At least, I hope it wasn’t.

“You’re right. It wasn’t just about last night.” His words sober me immediately; they’re words I never thought I would hear. “When I saw you at Bella’s, I could tell what you thought about me and Abbey. I saw how much it hurt you and I knew. I just knew that you still had feelings for me. When I saw the hurt in your eyes as we were leaving, I decided to finally own my feelings for you, too.”

A lone tear trickles down my face. Bryan kisses it away and smiles at me. “I don’t think I ever stopped loving you.” He opens his heart to me and I shoot him a wry look. “Okay, okay.” He holds his hands up in surrender. “Right after you told me what you thought happened, my feelings may have changed, but even still, there was always a part of my heart that belonged to you.”

“So, what changed between then and last night?” I ask timidly.

Bryan stares absentmindedly out of my bedroom window as the sunlight dances through the thin purple curtains. Closing his eyes, as if he’ll find the answers hidden behind his lids, he finally starts talking. “I spent the last few months struggling with my family. Watching the people you love the most fall apart right before your eyes is pure torture. But when Emmie was staying with me for the summer, I felt alive again. I know it’s cheesy, but she gave me hope again. And then when I saw you again, I knew I had to take a chance.” He pulls my face to his and lightly grazes his lips across mine. “I just didn’t know how. And then when I saw you with that guy at camp, I lost my shit. Everything I thought about what happened between us, came crashing down around me.” Through tensely clenched jaw, he mutters, “I let my anger about everything – about you, about my dad, about my mom – I let it consume me. It changed me. “

I softly press my lips to his cheek and whisper against his skin, “It’s okay. You’re still you.” He leans into my lips and my heart swells. I missed him so much.

“But I wasn’t for a long time and I didn’t like who I was. I spent a lot of time thinking about how unfair I was to you when we broke up. I told you that you weren’t good enough, that you had to change.” His face twists in guilt. “How fucked up is that? We could have worked on things. Maybe we could have figured them out, but I told you to go fix yourself and here I was becoming the exact same kind of person I told you not to be.”

That’s pretty harsh to hear and it kills me to think that we could have figured things out a long time ago. Opting to take the high road, I bite back what could be a very pissed-off outburst. The truth is that he was right. Back then, I wasn’t a whole person; I was a shadow of the woman I’ve become.

“But Bryan, don’t you realize that I wouldn’t be who I am now, if you didn’t do that.” I take a deep breath and hope that my words make sense. “Most of what you said back then was right. I didn’t have faith in myself. I didn’t love myself. If we hadn’t broken up, I might have never found the strength to figure out who I am. I’m not going to lie; it wasn’t a pretty time for me. But I did a lot of soul searching and I spent a lot of time with my family. I learned so much about who I really am and I found out that I’m pretty awesome.” I flip my hair playfully to emphasize the dorkiness of what I’ve just said. His goofy grin and small laugh reassure me so I continue. “Maybe that’s just how things were supposed to be. We were meant to spend some time apart to figure things out, to pick up the pieces so that we could both be whole when we found each other again.”

Before I can even offer up my lame smile, his lips are on mine. His hands are in my hair and he’s pulling me so close to his body that I feel like we’re going to melt together as one. Pulling back from the branding kiss, he leans his forehead against mine. “I’m still scared.” His admission knocks me for a loop because it’s as if he’s just read my mind.

“Me too, Bry. I’m scared I won’t be enough for you, for us.”

“Shh … Melanie, I see how different you are, but you’re the same too. Sweet, kind, funny. You’re everything I fell in love with in the first place and so much more. I’m just afraid we’ll screw it up again.” His thumbs brush my cheeks tenderly. “What if we’re too different?” His vulnerability cuts through me.

I don’t want to verbalize the fear I feel. There’s some truth to what he’s saying, but in my heart, in my gut, I have a feeling that the different people we’ve become are the people who were meant to be together.

Recalling the words he said to me so long ago, I laugh softly. “Do you remember what you said to me when we first met? That you would show me rather than tell me all of the ways we would be perfect together?”

He pulls his face away from mine. Tapping his finger on his kiss-swollen lower lip, he acts as if he’s trying to recall some long-lost secret. “Yeah, I think I remember saying something like that.” I swat him teasingly on his arm.

I shoot him a look of seriousness and get lost in his melted-chocolate eyes for a minute. “Let me show you just how good we can be. Let me wear you down and prove to you that even though we’ve both changed, we’re better off for it.”

“I think I can do that, Melanie. But just what did you have in mind?” He arches an eyebrow at me on his last words.

I drop the sheet from around my breasts and straddle his hips. “A little of this,” I say as I wiggle on top of him. On another wiggle, I add “And a little of that.”

His fingers dig into the soft flesh of my waist as he nudges his hips up into mine. “I think I like your plan,” he mutters lustily. I lean down onto his body and mumble against his lips, “Oh, no. You’re going to love my plan.”

We spend the rest of the day showing each other just how good we are for together, coming up for air and food only when necessary. As dusk settles in and the sun descends behind the mountains, the sky is set ablaze in a fiery hotness that mirrors the day we just spent together.

Sprawling out in my bed, Bryan is wearing only his boxers and I’ve opted to cover up with an extra-long T-shirt and panties. Cuddled at his side, I let my fingers trace random patterns across his chest.

“So where does this leave us?” Damn me and my stupid need for definition.

Bryan clears his throat as he tucks his hand behind his head. “I don’t know, Melanie. I don’t know.”

“Yeah, me either.” And that’s the honest truth. Sure, the last day has been great and we’ve talked a lot – among other things – but, there’s still so much to figure out. “How about we just take it slowly, one day at a time? We’ll see how things go, day-by-day. Sound good?” My suggestion actually doesn’t seem half bad.

Kissing the top of my head, Bryan nods his agreement. “It’s perfect, Melanie.”

“It might be a little cold tomorrow, but we could start back at the beginning.” I point to Emmie’s picture of Happy Times Waterfall that hangs on the wall above my computer.

“Just be sure to wear your sneakers.” I poke him in the side and stick my tongue out at him. He just pulls me closer to his side and inhales the sweet citrus scent of my hair. “Cold or not, I can’t think of a better way to spend the day. As long as I’m with you, it’ll be perfect.”

I roll my eyes. “Will you stop saying that?”

“What?” He looks down at me, clearly confused by my words.

“Perfect. Things are never going to be perfect. It’s impossible.” I pull him closer to me and kiss his lips tenderly. “We’re not perfect, neither one of us. And we never will be, but we can be imperfect together.”

His lips dance across mine and happiness shimmers in his warm, brown eyes. “Then here’s to one imperfect day after another.”

18 December 2013

It’s lame to say, but very true – Bryan and I have spent the last month together basking in the glow of our not-so-perfect love. We’ve fought and made up and then fought again, but through it all we’ve learned to be honest – both with ourselves and with each other. When we first got back together, there were a few times that I thought we wouldn’t make it. Like when he gets stressed out and angry about home. Or when I feel like I don’t deserve his love and affection after all I put us through. That’s usually when he reminds me that it wasn’t entirely my fault.

As mended as we may both be, there’s obviously still a lot of healing that needs to happen. I’m not disillusioned enough to think it’d all be rainbows and glitter, so at least I was a little prepared for the struggles. I wasn’t as prepared for just how amazing the good times would be, though.

Just this past weekend we volunteered at the local Special Olympics and it was, by far, the most rewarding experience of my life. We were paired with Joey, a twenty-year-old with Downs Syndrome. When he won his first of three medals, he actually cried. Which of course made me cry and even though Bryan will still deny it, I know that I saw a tear or two fill his eyes.

The last event for the day was an indoor group soccer game. It wasn’t at the level at which Bryan was used to playing, but he was in his glory. It was clear that he missed the game, but based on the way he was running with the other players and coaching them along the way, he missed his sister even more. I think it was a defining day for us, not just as a couple, but as individuals as well. Bryan has always been a helper – be it for Professor O’Neil, Bella, Emmie or even his mom, Bryan has always had a kind heart and a caring soul. I think he got a piece of that back as he ran his final lap around the soccer field with Joey.

I know I got a piece of myself back that day too. For so long I thought I didn’t deserve to be loved, that the people who did love me only did so out of obligation. But after reading the letters from my dad, and seeing my mom find love again, I know that I am surrounded by loads of unconditional love. That’s why I love working with kids with special needs. At the end of the day, when Joey, Bryan and I walked off the field, he asked us if we would be back next year. Without missing a beat, at the same time, Bryan and I said, “We wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

That day was proof positive of how much we’ve changed, but it was also a testament to how closely we’ve grown together.

So here we are, one year away from the week that forced us apart and the same nervousness about our distance is seeping into my soul all over again. We’re at Bella’s on our last date before we have to spend the holiday break apart again. Bryan can feel my leg shaking under the table. “What’s wrong, babe?” His hand stretches out across the table and I willingly place mine into it.

“Forget it. It’s silly.” I swat my other hand in front of me and reach for my water.

Squeezing my hand tightly, he locks me in his persistent stare. “Stop it. Something is bothering you. What is it? Please tell me.”

Remembering out promise to be honest with each other, I take a deep breath and divulge my foolish concerns. “I’m just nervous about being away from you.”

Bryan releases my hand and starts lightly tickling my forearm. Leaning in closer to me, I close my eyes and enjoy the feel of his fingertips on my skin. Just like that, I’m calmed. His touch has that kind of power over me. “Okay, now that you’re relaxed, listen to me.” I nod and stifle my rising emotions.

“I don’t want to be away from you either. I kind of like waking up with you, but I have to go home. It’s Mom’s first Christmas alone and she’s been doing well, going to AA meetings and all that, but I just … I need to be there with her and Emmie.” He pulls my hand up to his lips and sweetly kisses my knuckles.

“I know, baby. I understand, but it doesn’t mean I’ll miss you any less.” His thumb gently stroking over my knuckles calms me a bit more. I take a deep breath and throw out my last Hail Mary. “Are you sure you won’t be able to make it to the wedding next week?”

“You know I want to be there. We’ve talked about this. It’s just too close to Christmas. I can’t …”

“I know, Bryan. I just thought I would ask one more time. Let’s drop it and enjoy our last night together.”

An impish grin spreads across his face. “We definitely will.”

After dinner, we settle the bill and Bella hugs us as we walk out into the blustery air. We hurry across the street back to my empty apartment. Cammie flew out to Chicago this morning to spend the week with Jack. They’ll both fly into Elmira for Maddy and Reid’s wedding next week. I’ve honestly never seen Cammie happier than when she knew she would be with Jack again. Lia is out with her current boy-toy, at least that’s what I’m assuming. She never does bring them around here. Peyton is actually staying in Ithaca through the break. She got a job at the local bookstore and coffee shop combo to make some more money on top of the meager salary she earns at the tutoring center. That’s where she is tonight, so we have the place to ourselves.

Barging through the door, I’m shaking from the frigid winter air. After brushing off the few snowflakes that landed on my shoulders, I take off my coat and hand it to Bryan. He hangs both of our coats up on the rack near the front door and reaches out for my hand. “Come with me.”

Dumfounded, I stare at him. “Where else would I go?” I waggle an eyebrow at him, but he just tugs me down the hallway to my room. The sight before me stops me in my tracks and forces my words to get stuck in my throat. There are candles everywhere and flower petals dot the floor.

“What’s this for?” I ask on a whisper. Bryan comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. With his front pressed to my back, he nuzzles into my neck and presses his lips there.

“Well, this was the plan I had in mind for the first time I told you ‘I love you’, but that didn’t go as planned.” He gently nips at my earlobe but quickly soothes the bite with his tongue. “So this time,” those words cause my breath to hitch and force me to turn around in the circle of his arms.

“Yes, this time. This time when I tell you ‘I love you’, I wanted it to be just right.” I stretch up on my toes and kiss him with the love I think he just professed to me.

Leaning his forehead against mine, he takes a deep breath. “I know we said we would take it day-by-day, but I need to tell you that I love you. I thought I loved you before, and I did, but it was different. The person you are now, I love her even more.”

“Bryan, I love you too. Thank you for tonight. It’s …”

He laughs as he mumbles the word “perfect” against my lips.

Pulling him further into the room by the waistband of his pants, I laugh and deepen the kiss. “Get in here so I can show you just how much I love you,” I say against his lips. His only response is a low groan of appreciation as he grips my ass tightly.

In a fevered rush of passion, we’re naked in a matter of seconds. Clothes fly to the floor and moans rumble through the air. We stumble toward the bed and I push him down on the mattress. His body is hot and hard beneath me. Settling in between his legs, I take his cock into my mouth. His breath hisses through his teeth as he pulls my hair into a loose knot in his hand. “Fuck … Melanie … ahhhh” He pushes up to my mouth and I lick, suck and taste every single inch of him. Looking up at him, I can tell he’s close. The veins in his neck, and elsewhere, are bulging and pulsing with barely contained desire.

I grab a condom from the nightstand and roll it over him. Straddling his hips, I sink down onto him, slowly. Before I take him all the way, I pull back until he’s almost completely out of me. Inch-by-agonizing-inch, I torture us both. Never sinking fully down onto him and never completely lifting off of him. “Melanie, you’re fucking killing me. Please …” His fingers dig into my hips as he pulls me down onto him. No longer able to maintain the torturously slow pace, I slam my hips down onto his as he pushes up into me.

He angles his hips to his that sweet spot deep inside of me. Heat flashes across my skin as I teeter on the edge of my control. A handful of long, hard and deep thrusts push me to and over the edge. “Bryan … I’m coming. Oh God, Bryan!”

He stills himself inside of me as he loses the battle with his own orgasm. My legs shake and I flop down on top of him, no longer able to hold myself up. Bryan wraps his arms around my back and lazily tickles my skin.

Our lovemaking has just washed away whatever worries I had earlier about spending a few weeks apart. I now realize how silly it is to be worried about it. His heart beating against my chest is all the reassurance I need that we’ll make it work somehow.

“I can’t believe you’re married!” I squeal at the top of my lungs as Maddy and Reid walk into the private room at the quaint reception hall.

Hugging me with all of her might, she says, “I know. It’s crazy, right?”

“Yeah, kinda. But Reid is your forever,” I reassure her as we exchange a sisterly smile.

She stayed at my house last night and we shared the same bed like we did when she first moved in. It feels like a lifetime ago and in many ways it is. She shared her fears with me, but no matter how cold her feet got, she knew that the feeling was fleeting. Her and Reid were meant to be and today is a celebration of their hard-won happily ever after.

I’ve only been home for a few days and in all the wedding craziness, I haven’t had much of a chance to update Maddy on all things Bryan related. We talked about it and she’s elated that we’re back together, but it just hasn’t been the main topic of conversation.

After our little pep-talk upstairs in the suite, we line up outside of the ballroom, ready to make out entrance. Hooking my arm through Dylan’s, the best man, he pats the top of my hand. “Ready, Melanie.”

I bounce on my toes to the beat of the music playing loudly inside. “You betcha, Dylan. Let’s do this.” The DJ calls our names and we join the crowd waiting for Maddy and Reid to be announced.

The DJ’s voice booms through the music. “Now, let’s hear it for the new Mr. and Mrs. Reid Connely!” Everyone claps, cheers and whistles as my eyes fill with happy tears. I glance over at Mom standing next to me. She has tears in her eyes, too. Evan notices them and hands her a tissue. He wraps a strong arm around her shoulder and peeks at me over her head. Winking at me with a smirk on his face, I know that after Christmas another wedding will be in our near future.

Of course, Mom doesn’t know yet. That would ruin the surprise.

Later in the night, I catch a quiet moment alone at my table. Mom waves at me from the dance floor as Evan twirls her around to the lyrics of Eric Clapton’s “Wonderful Tonight”. Wistfully, I think about dancing with Bryan. I can’t wait to get back to school and to continue on our day-by-day journey.

Lost in happy thoughts, Maddy sits down next to me. “Hey, sweetie.” Maddy smiles cheerfully at me.

“Are you okay, Mel?” she asks when I don’t answer her right away. Honestly, she just caught me off guard as I was recalling images of the last time Bryan and I made love before I came home. That was a good night, indeed.

I sigh softly, wishing Bryan were here with me. “Of course I am. But let’s not talk about me. You look beautiful today, you know?” I don’t want to bring her down. So even though I know she thinks that I’m just trying to change the subject, I sway the attention back to her.

“Thanks, girl. You look pretty good yourself, Ms. Maid of Honor slash Godmother.” Maddy elbows me in the side, and I finally find the genuine smile she’s been looking for since she pulled her chair up next to mine.

“Thanks, Maddy. Why don’t you go out there and dance. I don’t want to bring you down. I just miss Bryan, that’s all.” Averting eye contact, I start picking at the corners of a napkin on the table. I don’t want to get into all of this on her night. She should be enjoying herself.

Smiling at me as she stands, Maddy says, “I know, Mel. I wish he could be here too. It’ll all work out.” I think it’ll work out too. I’m actually certain of it, but tonight I just feel off. Being surrounded by all of these couples and all of this love makes me long to be in his arms.

As if on cue, one of the only other single people here comes up behind Maddy. “Would you care to dance with me?” Dylan asks as he stretches out his hand.

Dylan used to date Reid’s brother, Shane, before he died. He hasn’t found the courage to love again. I can’t say that I understand his pain; it’s a totally different breed than mine. I just hope he can find the other half to his heart.

Standing from my chair, I place my hand in his. “I would love to, Best Man slash Godfather.” I wink at Maddy as Dylan escorts me out to the dance floor.

As Clapton’s words mix into the next slow song, Dylan and I move in circles on the floor next to Cammie and Jack who are staring dreamily into each other’s eyes. A deep male voice sings out about finding love again and Dylan laughs flippantly. “What? You don’t think you’ll find love again?” My prodding is laced with concern. Dylan deserves love, but apparently he doesn’t think so.

Shaking his head, he says in a cool, unaffected voice, “Nah, I don’t think love is in the cards for me.”

“I don’t know, Dylan. Don’t cut yourself short. You’re young, hot and pretty sweet. I know there’s someone out there for you.” I pat him on the shoulder as the song comes to an end.

He kisses my cheek sweetly. “I guess we’ll just have to wait and see, Melanie.”

As I watch him stalk off the dance floor, my heart breaks for him. I know what it feels like to think you don’t deserve love. I know that black and gnawing void of emptiness that is capable of chewing you up and spitting you out.

I just hope that Dylan can avoid it.

Just as the night is about to wrap up, I make my way over to the bar and get a diet Coke. When an arm snakes around my waist from behind, I jump out of shock.

“Hey, babe.”

Turning quickly, I’m stunned to see Bryan standing behind me. “What the hell! I thought you couldn’t make it!” I jump into his arms, squeeze him tightly and kiss him through my huge smile.

“I couldn’t, at first. But when I got home and talked to Mom about it, she insisted that I come up for at least the wedding.” He places a chaste kiss to my cheek and smiles at me proudly. He may have just won the coveted “Boyfriend of the Year” award. “She’s doing really well, better than I thought.”

“Bryan, that’s awesome. I’m so happy for her. But what about Emmie, how is she?” I’m bouncing on the tips of my toes with excitement to hear about his sister.

“Are you kidding? Once she heard I was missing a wedding, with ‘pretty princess dresses’,” he air quotes those words to make sure that I know they’re Emmie’s words and not his, “she practically shoved me out the door.”

“But all the traveling and it’s almost the holidays, and it’s just … it seems like more trouble than it’s worth. What about Christmas and then New Years? You wanted to be with your family.” The pace at which my words race out of my mouth is dizzying and I can barely catch my breath.

Bryan pulls me close to him and presses his lips up to my ear. “Yes, but I wanted to be with you, too.” Rubbing his nose up the length of mine and popping a soft kiss to my forehead, he adds, “You are never trouble and you are always worth it.” Those words cause me to melt into him and exhale a sigh of relief that he’s here with me.

“Dance with me?” he asks as the DJ announces the final song of the night.

“Always.” Lacing our fingers together, we slowly sway and move together on the dance floor.

He steps on my toes a few times and me on his. We share more than a few laughs as we both sing the wrong lyrics to each other, horribly off-key, I should add. It’s fitting, though.

Ours has always been a clumsy dance to a sweet tune. With lots of bumps and mishaps along the way, we’ve arrived at where we are not because we did everything perfectly, but because we learned to love each other despite our imperfections.

We’ve decided to love each other through the mistakes that we’ve made, and in the end, we’ve become stronger for it.

Who knows what tomorrow brings, but promising each other honesty and love, I have a feeling that Bryan and I will be together for many tomorrows to come.