Light in Mourning

29

It’d been a month since Trevor and Lexi had knocked on our door. A month since Tristan had faced the possibility of being a dad. He’d spent as much time with Trevor as he could while they were here, taking him to museums and baseball games, and talked to him nearly every night on the phone. Tristan was determined to make it work: to be civil with Lexi, and to be the right kind of dad to Trevor, whom he was all but convinced was his.

I was so proud of him for taking responsibility and embracing his new role as someone's dad, but there was also a piece of me that hated my dream was shifting again. My dream to marry Tristan and have kids together was altering. We could do that, but now there was a little tousled-haired boy that was evidence of a night Tristan had shared with someone else.

Being separated and waiting on the paternity test results was also starting to weigh in Tristan's eyes. Each night, we went to bed with an awkward silence, something unfamiliar between us.

I woke up on a Friday in August and knew I needed a break. I was sad that I needed a break from Tristan, but the truth was, he was currently in the midst of a lot of overwhelming, life-changing drama, and I needed time to process. I needed time to work through my thoughts without seeing his sad eyes peering back at me. I know he recognized the wall between us; it was just sad the wall was a beautiful little boy.

“Drew, come up. I need a girls’ weekend,” I moaned into the phone as soon as Drew picked up.

“Yeah?”

“The beach house is clear for the weekend. We’ll camp out over there, just like last summer, the three of us. I need you guys,” I nearly sobbed into the phone. Just the thought of a weekend with Drew and Silas had my emotions in overdrive. I needed my best friends. I needed them to help me forget and talk me through everything.

“Just the girls? No boys allowed?”

“Just Silas, I promise.” I beamed because I knew she was caving.

“’Kay, let me see if Mom and Dad will take Bennett for the weekend and Gavin can have man-time with Tristan. All these diapers and breastfeeding are getting to him.”

“Can’t wait to see you.”

“You too, honey.” Drew hung up and I set the phone on the counter, wrapping a chenille blanket around my shoulders and propping my feet up on the deck as the cool early autumn air swept my hair around my face.

I’d only seen Drew once since Bennett had been born and I was looking forward to some time to escape the drama that had inserted itself into my life over the past month.

“Honey, I’m home,” Drew's singsong voice echoed through the walls of the cottage. It felt like a repeat of last summer, except this time around, I was praying for less drama.

“Hey.” I locked her in a tight embrace. “How are you, and how’s my baby boy?”

“Everyone’s good.” She beamed. She looked so happy, blissfully so. Motherhood looked good on her. “In fact . . .” She held her left hand up and showed off a sparkling diamond the size of Texas.

“Jesus Christ, he could have fed a small country for the price of that.” Silas stepped into the kitchen, margarita in hand.

“Shut up.” Drew shot him a glare.

“Why the fuck do we need so much luggage to come for a weekend?” Gavin grunted as he let the bags fall from his shoulders. “We don’t even have the kid with us. Hey, Georgia.” He wrapped me in a one-armed hug.

“Hey, Daddy.” I smiled up at him. “Finally making an honest woman out of my girl.” I knocked my hip into hers playfully.

“She threatened bodily harm to my balls if I didn't.” He grinned and winked at Drew.

“Shut up.” She rolled her eyes before pecking him on the cheek.

“Where’s my man?”

“Office.” I nodded down the hallway.

“Don’t get too comfortable; you have to haul my stuff over to Georgia's house,” Drew called after him.

A snort sounded from down the hallway. It sounded like Gavin was in need of a guys’ weekend just as much as I was a girls’ weekend.

“Margarita, anyone?” Silas lifted the glass in his hand.

“Jesus, still an alcoholic, huh?” Drew knocked Silas in the arm.

“Hey, girls’ weekend; I'm letting loose.”

“I think you’re loose enough as it is.” Drew winked at me.

“Hey, married man, remember?” Silas lifted his hand and twisted the plain band on his ring finger.

“Right. Let’s get this weekend started.” She snatched Silas's drink and downed it in one guzzle.

“I thought you were breastfeeding?” I giggled at her.

“Oh, I am. I have to pump and dump.”

“Pump and what?” Silas's eyebrows knit together.

“After I drink I have to pump my breast milk and—”

“Okay, okay, TMI bitch. TMI.” Silas snatched his margaritas glass from her and turned to head out the door. Drew and I erupted into a fit of giggles.

“Babe! Bring my bags over to the beach house when you get a minute.”

Gavin huffed from down the hall and we all headed out the back door and made our way across the sand to the beach house. Silas poured us margaritas and we settled in for our weekend on the beach.

“So how’s it going, honey?” Drew curled her knees beneath her on the deck chair. We’d settled in with drinks and the three of us were perched on the deck, overlooking the rolling waves of the Atlantic.

“It’s going.” I sighed and sipped.

“Hardly,” Silas grumbled.

“Yeah?” Drew’s face turned down in sympathy.

It’s hard.” I shrugged.

“The baby-daddy situation is a bitch.” Silas took another long draw of his drink.

“I would imagine. So what are you going to do about it?”

I heaved a sigh and swirled the slushy concoction in my glass.

What was I going to do about it? “I have no idea.”

“Will you be supportive if he's Trevor's dad?” Drew’s deep brown eyes searched my face.

“Yes . . . I think so . . .” I murmured as thoughts swirled in my head.

“What does that mean?”

“It means I want to be.”

“She’s trying to force it. Don’t have guilt, love. This is your life, your decision. A little munchkin running around isn’t exactly what you signed up for when you tapped that.”

“Jesus, Silas.” I laughed.

“He’s right, G.” Drew’s eyes hit me with a serious glance. “So if he takes the test and he is the father,” Drew announced in her best Maury Povich voice, “what are you going to do?”

I chewed on my bottom lip as I thought about the possibility of Tristan being a dad. “I dunno.” In all honesty, the thought shattered my heart.

“Will you stay?” Drew asked softly as tears began to pool in my eyes.

“I don’t know that either.” A tear fell down my cheek and I wiped it away forcefully. I didn't want to be weak. I wanted to roll with this. I wanted to be there for Tristan, no matter what.

I glanced down at the ring he’d given me and swirled it around on my finger. The beautiful diamond ring representing our love. Our life together. The vows we were soon supposed to take, in sickness and in health.

I knew that I should stand by him, but it was all so much to process. Was I being inflexible? Was I sticking to the course, the dreams I had for myself, unwilling to deviate? That’s what had gotten me in trouble last summer. I thought that Kyle was my future, no matter what, even if our relationship had shifted to become less than ideal.

“I don’t know if I can be with someone who is a father to someone else’s kid.” The words escaped my mouth as guilt suffocated me. Thoughts of that beautiful little blond-haired boy, the one that may have Tristan's blood surging through his veins, possessed my mind. His beautiful deep green eyes and heart-stopping smile. Could I turn my back on the man I loved because of one decision he'd made years ago?

I didn’t want to. I desperately didn’t want to, but the fact was, it was so much easier said than done.

“Let’s face it; the kid is fucking cute. The real downer in this is bitchy-Barbie Lexi.”

“Silas.” I raised my voice before breaking out into laughter. The tequila was going to my head and it felt good. “It’s so fucking true.” I giggled before taking another sip.

“Enough of the baby-daddy drama. More drinks!” Silas lifted his glass, downed it, and then jogged back into the house to make more.

That night, I tossed and turned in my bed at the beach house. Silas, Drew, and I had moved down to the beach, toes dipped in the water as we sat and talked and laughed and drank. I’d gotten too drunk and the three of us finally stumbled to bed. A few minutes later, I'd heard heavy footsteps and Drew’s bedroom door open and close. I knew she’d called Gavin to creep into her room—so much for girls’ weekend. Apparently, it was girls’ weekend until you were drunk and horny and wanted to slip between the sheets with your fiancé.

I heaved a sigh and turned up the music on my iPod, trying to drown out the thoughts in my head and the creaking of the bed next door. I’d sobered up a little and real life drama had crept back in. I thrashed to the other side of the bed and buried my head in the pillow. My legs twitched and the covers twisted around my feet.

I missed him.

It felt so foreign to sleep by myself. I chewed on my bottom lip, as I thought about him in our house alone just a few yards away.

I pulled a pair of shorts up my legs and padded barefoot down the hallway and out the door. My feet hit the sand and I rushed across the beach to our house, the one Tristan and I shared together. My eyes took in the moonlight reflecting silvery sparkles off the midnight blue water. I dug my toes into the sand and inhaled the salty sweet air. I was going to get my man. The one I belonged with, regardless of his past; he was my future.

I made my way up the deck and slipped in the door. The house was silent and dark, moonlight reflecting off surfaces and shadows dancing in the corners. I made my way down the hall to our room. I slipped in through the door and stood, watching his lean form in bed. He lay on his stomach, sheet outlining his lean muscled back, elbows cocked to the side, forearms beneath the pillow at his head.

The moonlight glinted off the golden streaks in his tousled hair and my fingers ached to tangle through it. I wanted to tuck my nose into his neck and inhale. I walked softly to the bed and crawled in next to him, running my hands up the smooth skin of his back. He rolled over, wrapped me in his arms, and held me tightly, never saying a word. I ran my nose along the line of his neck and took a hit of my favorite scent just below his ear. Butterflies danced in my stomach, and my heart swelled.

“I couldn’t sleep without you,” I whispered.

“I couldn’t either.” He nuzzled his nose into my hair and inhaled deeply. “I wanted to give you space if you needed it.”

“I don’t. I thought I did, but not from you. I only want to be right here,” I murmured as he stroked my hair and held me tightly to him. I leaned up and lifted my T-shirt over my head. His eyebrows shot up in surprise as his eyes took in my form. My nipples pebbled under his stare. I wanted him. I always wanted him, no matter what was thrown our way.

“Are we okay?” My eyes locked with his, searching them as the fire sparked between us, binding us together.

“We’re always okay, baby.” He pulled me down onto his body and held me tightly, running circles up my back with his fingertips. He trailed his hands down my waist and slipped his fingers inside the waistband of my shorts. He fingered with the fabric before pulling it over my hips, taking my panties with them. I kicked them off my legs and lay against him, my naked body plastered against his partially dressed one.

“I need you,” I murmured. “I need you now. I need you every night and every morning. I need us, always.” Tears danced in my eyes as I bared my soul to him. I needed him to know how much I loved him, needed to show him the love I felt for him. He licked his lips and nodded before leaning up, twisting his hands in my hair, and pulling my lips to his own. He took my mouth passionately. Like he was thanking me for accepting him and his past. I loved him regardless of it all. I broke the kiss and pulled the sheet off his body before sliding his boxer briefs down his legs. He was hard and ready and when I palmed him, he twitched, lust sparking in his eyes.

I pulled up on my knees and held him in my hand, positioning him at my entrance before I sank down onto him. Tristan filled me—every corner and every fiber of my being hummed for him. Satisfied the constant yearning I had for him was being fulfilled at the moment, I rocked back and forth, taking him in and out of my body slowly, worshipping him and celebrating us. I moaned and ran my hands up the cut lines of his chest, his smooth skin beneath my hands, the rippling muscles working as we made love.

He took my breath away.

Every day he took my breath away and as long as I had him, I was okay with it. He could have it. Because he gave me back so much more.

Tristan’s hands ran up my ribcage, lighting my skin on fire, causing lightning bolts of pleasure to pulse straight through to my core. I rocked and moaned, taking all the pleasure he was giving me. His hands palmed my breasts, brushing over my sensitive nipples. I gasped as I arched to his body. His hands snaked up my collarbone and laced around my neck, locking into my hair. He pulled me down onto him and kissed me with fierce passion. Tongues tangling and caressing, lips bruising, swallowed moans, and breathless pants echoing around the walls of the bedroom.

“Please don’t leave me,” he said softly between kisses. Tears sprang to my eyes and fell down my cheeks. I froze above him and pulled away from his lips to look at him. His eyes glistened in the moonlight and I could see the water that had pooled there.

“Oh no, no, Tristan.” I held his beautiful face in my hands, searching for the right thing to say to take the pain from his eyes.

“I don’t want this to be goodbye. I’m afraid you’re telling me goodbye.” He choked out the words, his eyes boring into mine.

“Never. I’m never saying goodbye. I couldn't if I tried. I love you so much more than I ever thought possible. I can’t leave you. This,” I placed my palm over my heart, “this beats for you. I can’t live without my heart, and you have it.” I prayed it was enough to ease his mind.

He only nodded, his hands at my hips holding me to him.

“Do you believe that?”

He licked his lips again and watched me. I could see his brain working as he processed my words.

“Tristan. It’s true.” I stroked his cheeks with my thumbs before leaning down and pressing my lips to his, taking him in a kiss, praying I could communicate all my love for him in one passionate, possessive action.

“My heart doesn’t beat without you. You’re stuck with me.” I pulled away and grinned. His beautiful smile lifted at the corners and the twinkle returned to his eyes.

“There’s no one else I’d rather be stuck with,” he murmured and pulled my lips down to his again as he worked his hips against my own, restarting our passionate coupling. I moved with him even slower than before, cherishing our connection, not wanting to tear our lips apart.

“And just for the record, there’s no one’s ass I’d rather be stuck with.” He nipped at my earlobe before turning us over in one smooth motion, holding my thighs high in his hands and plowing into me. I grabbed the headboard and clenched my fists around it, my head thrust back in pleasure. I moaned his name as he rocked into my body, hitting every sensitive nerve I had. My eyes flickered open as he thrust and I watched his hair fall over his forehead, his head bent down, watching where we connected: where our bodies came together, where I took him in with all the love I had. He sucked his bottom lip between his teeth and his hands tightened on my thighs. So tightly, it was nearly painful— so tightly, he would leave bruises just as he’d done that night last summer. It was like he was holding onto me for dear life, as if despite everything I’d told him, he was still afraid I would run.

“Fuck, Georgia. So close. Come with me. I need you to come with me.” He groaned before his head shot up, eyes on me, lip still sucked between his teeth. My climax built in my core, the pressure becoming unbearable before it exploded over me like a freight train. Tristan thrust twice more before his whole body shuddered, a soft moan escaping his beautiful lips. His eyes fluttered closed, his hips slowed their rhythm, and he bent down, his beautiful body curved over me, his head on my shoulder and heated pants shaking his body. One palm trailed up my torso and curled around my neck, holding our heads together as he emptied into me. His hips finally stilled as he stayed inside me. I took everything he had to give. I was open to him and nothing could take me away, but I feared his own demons refused to let him see that.

I wondered if this would be our battle. He would always fear that I would leave, and I was afraid his past would forever haunt us.