Losing Hope

Chapter Twenty-nine-and-a-half

Les,

I haven’t spoken to her in two weeks. I’m still going to school, though, because I can’t imagine the thought of not being able to see her every day. But I just watch her from a distance. I hate that she seems sad now.

I was hoping that my actions in the cafeteria last Monday would have left her pissed off, if even a little bit. But when I decided it was better not to allow myself back into her life, I was hoping her anger would help her get over me faster. But she doesn’t seem angry. She just seems heartbroken and that crushes me.

I made a list over the weekend of the pros and cons of telling her the truth about who she is. I’ll share it with you so you’ll understand my decision better, because I know it doesn’t make sense.

Pros to telling Sky the truth:

* Her family deserves to know what happened to her and that she’s okay.

* She deserves to know what happened.

Cons to telling Sky the truth:

* The truth would ruin the life she has now.

* She never seemed happy to me when we were little, but she seems happy now. Forcing her back into a life she doesn’t even remember doesn’t seem like the right thing to do.

* If she found out I knew all along who she was, she would never forgive me for keeping it from her.

* I know she thinks her birthday is next week, but she still has months to go before she actually turns eighteen. If she finds out right now, the decision about what happens to her will be made for her by her father and the state. When she finds out the truth, I want her to be old enough to make her own decisions about what happens to her life.

As much as I don’t want to believe Karen did this, what if she did? If the truth came out, Karen would be punished. And that probably should be listed in pros, but I just don’t think her going to prison would in any way be a pro for Sky.

So you can see the cons won, which is why I’ve decided not to tell her the truth. Not yet, anyway. After I decided I wasn’t going to tell her what happened to her as a child, I also thought about whether it was a good idea to at least try and apologize for what happened at lunch that day. I thought that somehow I could still keep the secret until she’s out of high school and in the meantime, we could be together. I want to be with her again more than anything, but there are so many reasons why I shouldn’t be.

Pros to being with Sky

* I fucking miss her. I miss her rude comments, her laughter, her smile, her scowl, her cookies, her brownies, her kiss. (Even though I never really had that one. I know I’d miss it if I did.)

* She wouldn’t be as heartbroken if I would just apologize. We could go back to whatever it was that we were doing and I could pretend she wasn’t Hope. It would be cruel, but at least she’d be happy.

Cons to being with Sky

* Being around her could trigger her memory. I’m not sure that I’m ready for her to remember me yet.

* Once she finds out the truth, she’ll hate me for deceiving her. At least if I’m not with her, she’ll be able to respect the fact that I didn’t lie to her while I was allowing her to fall in love with me.

* If I spend any time with her, I know I’ll slip up. I’ll call her Hope or I’ll say something about when we were kids or I’ll talk too much about you and that could spark a memory.

* How could I ever introduce her to Mom? I’m pretty sure with as much time as Hope spent at our house, Mom would immediately recognize her.

* I’ll do something to fuck it all up again. That’s the only thing I seem to be consistent at in this life. Fucking things up for you and Hope.

* If I walk out of her life completely, she can go on living the contented life she’s been living for the past thirteen years.

* If I stay, I’ll inevitably have to tell her the truth. And no matter how much she probably needs to hear the truth; it’ll turn her world upside down. I can’t watch that, Les. I just can’t.

So there you have it in big, bold ink. I’m not telling her the truth and I’m not letting her forgive me. She’s better off without me. She’s better off keeping the past in the past and keeping me at a distance.

H