Love and Glory

Chapter Thirty-Two

Cambodia had been invaded. Jennifer had marched in protest, and the march had culminated with a takeover of the Student Union Building at Taft. I went with her. I had no sense that we would bring the warmongers to their knees. But Jennifer was passionate about it and I was happy to be with her, to share her passion, or to insert myself in the path of nightstick or firehose if the chance appeared, if I was lucky.

So we sat together on the stairs of the Union while outside the campus police awaited the arrival of the Tac cops. The electricity had been shut off to discourage us, but it merely added to the excitement. Looking back now, I marvel at how every step the authorities took to combat the demonstrations added to the fun of the demonstrations, nourished the demonstrators, enriched their opportunity to demonstrate their authenticity, offered them the consolations of martyrdom and simple joys of nonfatal combat.

“This is crazy,” Jennifer said. “You being here. You aren’t committed to this.”

“I’d like to see them stop the war,” I said.

“But that’s not why you’re here.”

“No.”

We spoke in whispers, sitting in the dark with students all around us whispering among themselves, and the smell of grass and cigarettes and humanity seeping around us in the close dark. Through the glass doors of the Union there was movement in the quadrangle, but we couldn’t see of what. There was the familiar revolving flash of the police cars, but they had been there since we’d occupied the building.

In the dimness, close to me, I could see Jennifer shake her head. “I spend more time with you than with my husband,” Jennifer said.

“Yes.”

“He should be here with me.”

“Or you with him,” I said.

“He doesn’t approve of this; he wants to become chairman of the department.”

“His wife’s behavior would have some effect on that,” I said.

“Well, it shouldn’t. I’m who I am, he’s who he is.”

“True,” I said. “But it does. Probably always will.”

“You would say the hell with being chairman.”

“To be with you,” I said.

I could feel her left thigh pressed against mine. Her hip. Her left arm and shoulder. We had to lean close to hear each other’s whispers.

“Are we being silly, Boonie?”

“You and me?”

“No, all of us. All of us who march and protest and occupy buildings and try to change things?”

“No, you’re not silly,” I said. “It’s bound to help. It already has.”

“Sometimes I feel like a jerk,” Jennifer said. “A grown woman marching around with a bunch of kids yelling slogans. John says I should grow up.”

“This is one of the ways,” I said.

“Yes,” Jennifer said. “Yes, it is. John says I am selfish, that I’ve abandoned my responsibilities and been swept up in myself. He says all I care about is being with it.”

“You don’t believe him,” I said.

“Partly. Partly he’s right. I am selfish. I care about myself. Maybe I’m learning to care about myself more than about anything else. Maybe I am caring too much. But I’m finally important. I’m finally involved in the world and people take me seriously. Can you understand that?”

“Sure,” I said. “Among other things, this is a way to be taken seriously. There’s some risk. Risk is the earnest money of conviction. Most of the people in here are after what you’re after.”

“But most of them are kids,” she said.

“So we age more slowly than some,” I said.

“You’re not like me,” Jennifer said. Close to her on the stairs I could see her smile again. “Or the other kids. You don’t need to do this.”

“Not for the same reasons,” I said.

“You do this for me,” Jennifer said. “You grew up a long time ago.”

It was thrilling to talk with her about myself. It was too exciting for me. It threatened my control. But it was irresistible. I wanted her to go on.

“In some ways you’re right,” I said. “I grew up in the years after I bottomed out in L.A., and I had to learn what mattered. I’m clear on that now. I know what I care about. I know what I need to control and what I can control and what I can’t. It’s a kind of freedom.”

Outside, a man with a bullhorn told us we’d have fifteen minutes to clear the building and then we’d be subject to arrest. A stir of near-sexual excitement ran through the kids massed there in the dark.

“What do you need to control, Boonie?”

“Me. My feelings. I feel very strongly. If I don’t keep them clamped all the time, they run to excess. They’re destructive of me and other people. If I combine them with drink, it’s a mess.”

“Humor,” Jennifer said.

“It’s one way,” I said. “It’s a distancing trick. Another way is to stay inside.”

“Inside yourself,” Jennifer said.

“Yes.”

The word passed among the kids in the dark. Link arms. I put my arm through Jennifer’s. The phrase moved through the crowd like the domino effect. Link arms.

“And in college,” Jennifer said. “When I called you and asked you to rescue me from Nick?”

“I took the leash off,” I said. “Or if you prefer a different metaphor, I let you inside.”

In back of us, up the stairs, someone began to sing “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.” The bullhorn announced ten minutes. The song spread, like the link arms had spread before it, tying people together. Everyone stood.

“And so,” Jennifer was whispering close to me, “when I turned away from you, you took to drinking and the unleashed emotions nearly killed you.”

“Dramatic,” I said.

“There you go, distancing again.”

I nodded.

“I never understood exactly,” Jennifer said. “Maybe I can’t even now. I don’t have the same emotions you do. They’ve never been in need of control, I suppose. Or maybe they’re under such control that it’s a way of life. Either way I never quite understood how betrayed you must have felt.”

The lights came on suddenly. The bullhorn announced, “Five minutes.” Jennifer’s eyes widened as they came on and she thought of something. “Maybe still feel,” she said.

“No,” I said. “I’m beyond that. That way madness lies.”

The crowd inside the Student Union, on its feet, arms linked where possible, singing now lustily, waited in ominous sensuality. Outside the bullhorn sounded again. A bored mechanical voice, “You are trespassing. If you do not leave the premises of the Student Union in two minutes, you will be forcibly removed and subject to arrest.”

The singing grew lustier. Jennifer’s face was bright with excitement. Her hair was beautifully done. Her jewelry expensive, her eyeshadow flawless, her lips were parted and her teeth were very white. Occasionally she rubbed the tip of her tongue on her lower lip. I felt as if I might burst, like the ancient Greek fertility god. But what I felt wasn’t hubris. It was love and it nearly overpowered me.

“When the cops come, stay close to me,” I said.

Jennifer looked at me with the excitement gleaming in her face. “I can take care of myself,” she said.

“I know,” I said. “I was hoping you’d take care of me.”