Matters Of The Heart

Chapter 10

Hope was busy almost every waking moment in New York. She did a fashion layout for Vogue, had a portrait sitting with the governor, and helped curate a gallery show of her work. She had lunch with Mark Webber, and told him about her romance with Finn. He was stunned, and warned her again that he was a wild man with women. He had a major reputation for it in New York, which she already knew. But she was sure that he was being faithful to her. He hardly let her out of his sight. She mentioned that to Mark, that Finn constantly talked about their “fusion” as a couple, and was jealous of other men. Even her lunch with her agent bothered him. They were the only two things about him that worried her. She’d never been with a jealous man. And he was very possessive of her. She still needed time on her own. Working in New York was doing her good. It revitalized her, and made her excited about seeing him again. She didn’t want to feel smothered by being chained to him, which was what he would have liked. Having a few weeks of her own life brought her perspective and independence again, which was important to her. He seemed to be extremely threatened by everyone she saw. And every time he called her, he wanted to know how soon she was coming back. Like a mother speaking to a child, she kept reminding him that she would be gone for two more weeks.

“Watch out for jealous guys,” Mark warned her. “Sometimes they come unhinged. I had a jealous girlfriend once. She came after me with a knife, when I broke up with her and took another girl to senior prom. Ever since then jealousy scares the shit out of me.” Hope laughed at the image.

“I think Finn is pretty sane. But he’s very needy in some ways. He hates being left. I’m going back in two weeks.” She had already been in New York for a week, and Finn was complaining about her absence every day. He sounded miserable and depressed every time they spoke.

“Do you think this is serious with him?” Mark asked, with a look of concern.

“Yes, I do,” she said quietly. Very serious. But she didn’t want Mark to worry about her, or her work. “I can commute from Dublin, whenever I have work here,” she reassured him. “Or fly places from there. It’s not that far away. He lives in a remarkable house. It’s more like a castle, although it needs to be restored.”

Mark was still astounded at what she had told him, but he was happy for her. “Have you told Paul?”

“It’s too soon,” she said, looking thoughtful. She planned to eventually, but not for a while. She had no idea how he’d react, or if he would be sad. She had spoken to him the day before. He was at Harvard for treatment, and he hadn’t sounded well at all, but he assured her he was doing fine. It saddened her, and she worried about him a great deal. He was sounding ever more frail.

Hope did some errands after she left Mark, and then she went home. She knew exactly what day it was, and so did Finn. He had already asked her twice. This was The Day. It was the first day the test would show if she was pregnant or not. She drew a long breath, and walked into the bathroom with the test he had given her. She was sure it was going to be fine, but it scared her anyway. She followed the directions to the letter, set it on the counter afterward, and walked away. The test took five full minutes, and it seemed like an eternity to her. She went to stare out the window, and then walked back to the bathroom, dreading what she would find, and telling herself that she wasn’t pregnant. It seemed too stupid to be worrying about this at her age. She hadn’t had a scare like this in years. Not since she was in her late twenties, and hadn’t wanted to be pregnant then either. Paul had only wanted one child, and Mimi was enough for her. As it turned out, she hadn’t been pregnant, and was surprised to find that she was more disappointed than relieved. And it had never happened again. They were always careful, and not as abandoned and passionate as she and Finn. She and Paul had made a careful, conscious joint decision to have Mimi and it didn’t happen on a bathroom floor.

She walked back to her bathroom counter as though she were approaching a snake. The test directions had been very clear as to how to read the test. One line you’re not pregnant, two you are. Anyone could have figured it out. From the distance, she saw one line, and heaved a sigh of relief. She approached and picked it up just to be sure, and was prepared to let out a scream of delight over the negative result, and then she saw it. The second line. Two lines, although the second one was fainter than the first, which the instructions had said still meant a positive result. Shit.

She stared at it in horror, set it down, and picked it up again. Still two lines. Her urine had done whatever it was supposed to under the white plastic holder. Two lines. She held it up to the light, and then just stood staring at it in shocked disbelief. Two lines. She was forty-four years old, and she was pregnant. She sat down on the edge of the tub shaking, with the test still in her hand, and then she threw it away. She thought about using the second one, but she knew she’d get the same result. She had been ignoring it, but her breasts had been sore for the last two days. She told herself that it meant she was getting her period. But she wasn’t. And now she had to tell Finn. He had won. He had gotten her drunk and tricked her and she had let him, and she wondered if somewhere deep within, she wanted this baby too. She loved him, but not even three months after she had met him, she was pregnant with his child. And in some hidden, distant part of her, she wanted it too. She felt panicked and confused. She needed time to absorb the idea, and decide how she felt about it.

She walked into the living room, sat staring into space, and a few minutes later, he called her. She felt guilty doing it, but she didn’t want to tell him yet. She already knew what his reaction would be. The one she wasn’t sure of yet was her own. It was ten o’clock at night in Ireland, and she knew he was working on his book. He said he had been waiting to call her all day, and wanted to know if she’d done the test. Feeling like a traitor to him, she lied and said she hadn’t, as tears came to her eyes. Part of her wanted his baby, and another part of her didn’t. She was scared. This was much too real. Somewhere inside her, a new life had begun.

“Why haven’t you done it yet?” He sounded hurt, and she couldn’t think of a good excuse.

“I can’t remember where I put the test. I put it away when I got here, and now I can’t find it. I think my cleaner moved it.”

“Then buy another one, for chrissake,” he said, sounding insistent and anxious. It made her feel cornered again. She was feeling trapped and betrayed by her own body as much as him, and her own whirling emotions. “Come on,” Finn said in a pleading tone. “Go out and get another test. I want to know. Darling, don’t you?” But she did know, and wished she didn’t. She promised him she’d pick up another test that afternoon, and call him when she did. He suggested they wait on the phone together for the results, and she was glad she hadn’t done that. He called again two hours later, and she didn’t answer the phone. She knew she couldn’t hide from him forever, but she needed at least a few hours to compose herself, and figure out what she felt. For now, it was mostly fear with an undercurrent of something else that she couldn’t put her finger on yet, and wondered if it was hope.

He called her at midnight again, which was five in the morning for him. He said he’d been up all night, working on the book, and worrying about her.

“Where were you? I was worried sick.”

“I had to go out and get some film,” she said, stalling him for a minute. Their lives were about to change dramatically. They would be bound to each other forever by this child. She loved him, but this was an enormous commitment, both to the baby, and to him.

“Did you get the test?” He was starting to sound annoyed, and her voice was small when she answered.

“Yes.”

“And?”

She held her breath for a long moment and let it out. She couldn’t avoid it anymore. “It was positive. I just did it,” she lied again. He would have been furious if he knew she had known for hours and didn’t call him. “I did it five minutes ago, but I didn’t want to wake you up.” Her face was sad and her stomach was in a knot, but she tried to sound normal, even happy.

“Oh my God!” He shouted at the other end. “Oh my God! We’re having a baby!!” In spite of herself, she smiled at his obviously unbounded joy. “I love you so much,” he quickly added, and sounded like he was crying. He was so sweet about it that he slowly pulled her out of her terror, and into the deep waters of his excitement with him. She wondered if maybe it would be okay after all. She hoped it would. She saw Mimi’s photographs as she spoke to him, and prayed she would approve. And Hope suddenly panicked again. What if this one died too? She couldn’t live through it.

“When will it be?” Finn asked excitedly.

“I think around Thanksgiving. I want to have it over here,” she said firmly, trying to make her peace with it as she said it. Suddenly it was becoming real to her. They were having a baby, and she had decisions to make about it. A new life was growing inside her. A tiny person whose father was Finn, a man she loved but scarcely knew.

“Wherever you want. I love you, Hope. For God’s sake, take care of yourself. How soon can you come home?” She didn’t want to tell him she was home. Now home was with him. And that meant Blaxton House to him.

“I’ll be back in two weeks,” she said softly, feeling her love for him, and his for her, begin to calm her. She had been in a panic since she did the test that afternoon.

“Should you see a doctor?”

“Eventually. Let me get used to the idea first. I just found out five minutes ago. This is a big step, Finn. A very, very big step.”

“You’re not sorry, are you?” he asked, sounding worried, and a little hurt.

“I don’t know what I feel yet. Scared, impressed, kind of stunned. Happy.” She closed her eyes as she said it and was surprised to realize she meant it. She was happy. She wanted his baby. She just hadn’t wanted it this soon. She had wanted to be sure first. And now it was a done deal. He got his wish.

“Hurry up and come home,” he said in a choked voice. “I love you both.”

“Me too,” she said, and they hung up. She was in shock. It was hard to believe she was pregnant, but maybe it was meant to be. Destiny had intervened. She loved him, and this was a huge commitment. She knew they would marry at some point, and would have anyway, although probably sooner now. She would have to tell Paul, and she was sure he would be shocked too. But her life was with Finn now. They had a lot to talk about. A lot to plan. A lot to do. Their life together had begun in earnest, in a very serious way. She tried to sleep that night and couldn’t. So much was running through her mind, about him and the baby. All her fears and hopes running together. She felt totally overwhelmed.

When she woke up in the morning, there was a delivery from her florist at her door. Finn had sent her two dozen long-stemmed red roses, and the card read “I adore you. Congratulations to us. Come home soon.” She cried when she read the card. Her emotions were up and down. She wanted the baby, she didn’t, she loved Finn, and she was scared. Who wouldn’t be? And on Thanksgiving she’d have their baby in her arms. It was a lot to think about. And all she wanted now was to go back to Ireland and bury herself in Finn’s arms. His wish for them had come true. She suddenly thought of the fusion he had talked about. With this baby, their bond to each other was forever.