Nash

CHAPTER 16 Saint

It was already hard to keep a lid on everything Nash stirred up in me, but seeing a big, tough, tattooed guy hold on to a little girl like she was something breakable and precious, how in the hell was I supposed to keep my heart cloistered from that?

When Faith and Justin returned home, all the kids had been put to bed and Nash was on his way out the door. I didn’t miss the look my sister gave when he said good-bye. She was tired and supposed to take it easy, which is the only reason I escaped getting an earful, I’m sure. The next morning while I was at work she left a voice mail that went on for a solid twenty minutes about how she now had two boys that were insisting on getting skull tattoos when they were old enough. I shouldn’t have thought it was funny but I really did. I wanted to try and take Faith’s concern to heart. I knew she was just worried about me, worried about what would happen if Nash hurt me again, but something about his words to me the night before had stuck with me.

There was a part of me that could never believe that he saw me the way he did. I never recognized myself as a beautiful, desirable creature and so never took him at face value when he said those things to me. I was confident at work, knew what I was doing and that it was what I had always been meant to do, but even though he looked at me like I was the start and end of everything, I just couldn’t find any belief in the idea that Nash Donovan felt that way about me. I still didn’t have enough confidence to be secure in any of the other areas of my life. It wasn’t fair to Nash that I was on pins and needles waiting for him to prove that he was nothing more than a typical guy and would eventually fall to the lowest common denominator, when all I was doing was using my fear and weaknesses to hold all the parts of me that had never really stopped loving him in check and not allowing what was between us now to grow and flourish.

I had never been resentful of my work or my busy schedule at the emergency room. I was always the happiest, the most centered and secure when I was caring for others, but lately I wanted to have time to see Nash. I knew Phil was getting worse, that the end was on the horizon, and Nash was almost always at his side. He was trying to stay on top of things at work and everything else, but he was losing weight, and every time I did manage to see him he had shadows on his face that rivaled the color of his eyes in purpleness and his strong jaw was more often than not scruffy and unshaven.

There were no more overnight stays, no more fun dates that made me laugh, and the only time we managed to hook up was for a quickie during lunch here and there, which felt good and got the job done but lacked all the intensity and emotion behind the sex I was used to having with him. For someone who used to hate being naked and everything that typically went with it, I couldn’t wait for there to be a time when I could spend hours sans clothes and under him or over him—I wasn’t particular.

I was heading out after my shift when Sunny asked me to pop into her office. We had been too busy lately to have any real time to chat. I missed her positive attitude and the way she always tried to pick me up. I smiled at her and took a seat across from her cluttered desk.

“Are you going to try and set me up with another doctor?”

Ever since my disastrous date, the rumors had flown fast and furiously among the hospital staff. I was a lesbian, I’d had a seizure and had to go, I was secretly married with five kids … and no one was interested in the truth. Surprisingly, being the topic of conversation, being gossiped about no matter how silly it was, didn’t faze me. I was too busy with Nash, too busy trying to figure out the things that really mattered, to care about any of it.

Sunny rolled her dark eyes at me and gave me a huge grin. “No. I think your taste runs a little more colorful than most doctors walking these hallways.”

It was true. I mean there were some doctors sporting ink under their lab coats and scrubs, but nothing could compare to that dragon that was trying so hard to keep Nash safe.

“You’re probably right. What’s up? You never ask me to talk in your office. You usually just ambush me in the hallway.”

She was still smiling as she leaned back in her chair.

“Well, this is a more official conversation than me harassing you about your dating life.”

I frowned and immediately started running through anything that I might have done wrong in the last few weeks. I had been distracted because of the goings-on in my personal life, which wasn’t like me.

“What did I do?”

She shook her head from side to side and clicked her tongue at me.

“Now why would you automatically think the worst? You are an amazing nurse, I tell you that all the time. How can you think I would drag you in here and scold you for doing something wrong? I think that’s insulting to both of us.”

I gulped and Nash’s words sort of poked at me from the night before.

“Sorry. It’s just habit.”

“One you should break. Listen, Saint, Heidi is transferring to a hospital in Florida because her husband got a new job. I want you to take over as the shift supervisor. I know you’re thinking about more school along the way, but this is a great opportunity for advancement in the department you are already in. Say yes, Saint. This was meant to be.”

“Are you serious?” I was stunned. It’s what I had always wanted. Validation, respect, for the world to recognize I was great at something I loved. I couldn’t ask for anything more, only for some reason, as happy as the offer made me, it was the idea of sharing the news with Faith and my mom, and probably most significantly with Nash, that really gave me the most joy.

“Well, we have to do a real interview with the director of nursing, but she knows that you are the person I want for the position.”

My heart was fluttering in a rapid rhythm and I wanted to do a little dance in my chair.

“That’s so exciting. Thank you so much.”

“No one deserves it more.”

I got to my feet, she came around the desk, and I bent down to give her a hug. I really did deserve it, just like maybe, possibly, I deserved a shot at making this thing with Nash be a forever thing.

He was the first person I called when I got out of the hospital.

It was raining. Like a torrential downpour, and by the look of the water collected on the streets, it had been coming down for a while. I skipped across puddles and let the phone ring as I raced to my car. Nash didn’t answer, the call went right to voice mail, which made some of the excitement bubbling under my skin wane just a little bit. I had to shake like a dog to get my soggy hair out of my face once I was in the car, and I decided it wouldn’t hurt anything to swing by the Victorian to see if he was home. I wanted him to scoop me up and give me a big, sloppy kiss and tell me how happy he was for me. It was surprising how bad I wanted that.

I turned on the radio and listened to Her Space Holiday as I tooled across Colfax and made my way up to the Victorian. The weather was dying down, but by the time I dashed up to the door, passing the Charger in its designated spot on the way, I was soaked all the way through and my teeth were chattering. It wasn’t really warm enough yet to counteract being damp and all drippy. I stopped in front of his door and knocked.

I was unwinding my braid and trying to comb my fingers through my wet and tangled hair when the door swung open … and my entire world came crashing down. My heart stopped. My blood went thick and cold and I was thrown in a direction that had my hopes and dreams snapping in half for the second time in my life at the hands of this beautiful man.

Royal was standing on the other side of Nash’s door looking back at me with the same stunned expression I’m sure I had on my face. I think I could have handled her being in Nash’s apartment—after all, she’d made it clear she wasn’t interested in him that way. What I absolutely couldn’t handle, what had my heart breaking into sharp enough pieces I could feel them stabbing into me, was the fact she was wearing a towel and nothing else.

“Saint …”

I held up a hand and gasped when Nash came walking around the corner where his room was, also dressed in nothing but a red towel around his lean waist.

“Did I hear someone knocking?”

He was rubbing another towel over his head and the scene was so intimate, so devastating, I thought that maybe I was going to pass out. I had to actually put a hand on the doorframe to keep my legs from folding under me. When the towel cleared his dark head, his eyes locked on mine. I expected guilt, or shame, but the periwinkle blue just glittered at me.

“Uh …” Royal looked like she was going to grab me, so I pulled back before she could touch me.

“This is what you do to your friends?” My hurt, my disbelief, my rage roiled in my stomach as I bitterly launched the most hateful words I could think of at her. “I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

I wanted to punch her in the throat, but what I wanted more than that was to go back in time and never, ever let Nash Donovan back into my life. If I thought he had hurt me before, watching him kiss teenaged Ashley Maxwell had nothing on the idea of him cozying up to sexy and physically perfect Royal. This wasn’t a smack in the face or a sting of betrayal. This was him proving to me that I was right all along and that boys could never, ever be trusted with a pretty girl. This was me having known better all along. I was always going to lose out when an easier, better, more emotionally available option was presented. Time and time again that fact seemed like it was going to get thrown in my face and there was no denying this little scenario was breaking everything inside me into tiny, piercing fragments of hurt and pain.

I turned on my heel and was back out in the rain, back at the Jetta, when a hard hand gripped me above the elbow and spun me around. He was still in a towel, rain coursing over his shaved head and down the furrowed lines in his forehead. He gave me a little shake that had my teeth snapping together.

“What the fuck? She locked herself out of the apartment again. She was at the gym and soaking wet because of the goddamn rain. I gave her a towel and let her throw her shit in my dryer. If I had known you were coming by, I would have called to let you know what was going on, that she was here.”

I was breathing hard and his hand burned where it touched me. My heart was breaking, I was dying on the inside, and he had the nerve to look like he was the one falling apart.

“If you had known I was coming, I probably wouldn’t have caught you in the act. I knew it was too good to be true. She’s beautiful and convenient. Why work for something that might never pay off? Right? I always knew when someone simpler came along you would choose her over me. You just can’t stop yourself from breaking my heart, can you, Nash?”

The water that was hitting him dribbled over his chest and trickled through the definitions in his abs. The way he was breathing, the way he was shivering, made it look like that dragon was trying to pull up off his skin, trying to lift him away from the lash of my hateful words. He took a step back from me and put a hand on the knot of his towel. He shook his head and I saw his mouth draw down in a harsh frown. It wasn’t only his body that was bared to me, it was everything else he had as well. It was all shining out of those beautiful eyes, but I steeled myself and refused to see any of it.

“That’s the thing, I would have worked until it killed me, whether it ever paid off or not, if that something at the end was you. And I couldn’t have broken your heart this time, Saint, because you wouldn’t let me get close enough to put my hands on it. I told you I can’t see anyone but you, that you are my only, simple or not, and no one else compares. Does this situation look bad? Yeah, it does. I’m not blind or an idiot, but if you knew”—he blew out a breath and looked up at the sky like it held all the answers—“how much I totally fucking love you, you wouldn’t have any question, and wouldn’t think I could ever even think about another chick like that. You are it for me, Saint. I would never do anything to hurt you because it hurts me just as bad.” He shook his head, sending raindrops flying in every direction. “I’m not your dad. I would never make you go through that again.”

I gasped and wanted to smack him across the face. “You don’t get to say that to me. You can’t love me when you have another naked girl in your apartment. From where I’m standing, you look exactly like him, Nash.”

“No, I don’t get to tell you that I love you because I can’t ever love you enough to make up for the fact that you refuse to love yourself. You love your job. You love your family. You probably even fucking love me right back, but until you wake up and realize how perfect you are, how incomparable and wonderful you are, there is no hope for this to work out. I thought I was fighting a losing battle with some imaginary version of my younger self, trying to fight against all the other men that have let you down in your life, but now I know it’s a battle against you. I love you, Saint, all of you, but if you don’t believe that, then I don’t know where we can go from here.”

I was crying, sobbing really. The tears were falling so hard he was getting blurry, and I just hoped the rain was hiding some of it from him.

“I’m leaving. That’s where I’m going from here. I don’t think you know anything about love, Nash.”

He flinched when I leveled the words at him, but his eyes also shifted to that dark indigo like they did when he was upset.

“Maybe not before, but after you, and after everything with Phil—my dad—over the last few months, I most certainly do. I know you deserve to be loved better than anyone in the world because of all you do for others. I also know that I’m a decent guy, Saint. I deserve the best kind of love back in return, and if you aren’t ever going to be the person to do that, then I’m glad this is over. I would give you everything.”

He turned his back on me and I could have sworn that artfully designed dragon, the armor he wore to protect himself, was looking back at me with baleful eyes, accusation and something else, judging me.

I slid behind the wheel of the car and continued to cry while I frantically searched around for my phone. Part of me wanted to run back to the apartment and confront them both, cover both of them with my rage and sorrow, but the bigger part of me that was suddenly an insecure and lost teenage girl again just wanted to run away and pretend none of this was happening to me.

The first call I made was to Sunny. She could tell I was upset, asked me a million questions, but all I could get out was that I needed a few days off from the hospital. I had a bunch of vacation days saved up, so it wouldn’t be a problem other than I was leaving her in the lurch and she still needed to set up the interview for the promotion. None of it mattered to me. Nothing mattered to me. I felt like I was turning to stone.

The next call I made was to my mom. I should have called Faith, she was going to be furious with me when she found out I was bailing once again because of Nash. I don’t know that my mom understood a single word I tried to tell her while I sobbed and shook, but I got an assurance that she had plenty of room for me down in Phoenix.

By midnight, I was halfway through New Mexico, and by the time the sun came up, I was almost to Phoenix. I drove straight through the night. I turned my phone off after calling Faith to let her know I was leaving town for a few days. She was furious on my behalf, wanted to have her husband go over and pound Nash into a bloody mess, but that would never work because her husband was half Nash’s size, and even though I didn’t want to admit it to her, I knew he was hurting already.

Sometime while the endless highway stretched out in front of me, my heart stopped aching and the bitter taste of betrayal stopped coating my tongue. I was still upset, still really mad, but the focus had switched now that I didn’t have the vision of Royal and Nash wearing nothing but towels dancing in front of me. I was mad at myself, afraid I had made a mistake and once again jumped to awful conclusions out of self-preservation. I had run before thinking it through. But now, with nothing but the road, my wildly careening thoughts and Sea Wolf on the radio, the important parts of the argument started to blanket me like a heavy fog.

All I could hear, all I could feel wrapping around me, were the words I love you. The worst part of the entire thing wasn’t letting Nash go, wasn’t feeling bad because Royal was prettier than me or more alluring—no … the worst part was how desperately I wanted to believe him. I wanted to trust in him, wanted to take everything he was telling me he wanted to give, but I was so hung up on the idea that he would take it away, let me down like so many had before, that I had just jumped to the easiest conclusion there was. I wanted so badly to wholly believe Nash could love me, that he could see himself with me, and even with what happened today, I really just wanted him for my own and it was tearing me apart because all of me wanted all of him and that was scary.

I couldn’t get to him with myself standing in the way and I needed room, needed time to figure that out. He said he would give me everything. I hoped that the time to get my head on right and to try and figure out how much I was willing to risk for him was part of that.

When I got to my mom’s fancy town house at six thirty the next morning, she took one look at me, wrapped me up in a hug, and put me to bed. I was dead on my feet, and an emotional wasteland. I slept for most of the day and only roused that evening for her to feed me a PB&J. The next morning I actually took a shower and got brave enough to look at my phone. I had no missed calls and zero missed text messages from Nash, and I didn’t know if that made me feel better or worse about the way I had left things.

I made my way down to the kitchen and grabbed a muffin my mom must have left on the counter for me. I saw her sitting on the balcony that overlooked the golf course her town house butted up against. I poured myself a cup of coffee and went out to join her. She looked me up and down over the top of her glasses and gave me a grin.

“You look terrible.”

I sighed heavily and sank into the chair opposite to hers. “I just got my heart ripped out. I look pretty much exactly how that feels.”

“I didn’t even know you were seeing someone.”

I pushed my hair back off of my face and looked out at the desert landscape. “I’m not sure what I was doing with him, but I knew it was going to end like this.”

“How?”

“How what, Mom?”

“How did you know it was going to end badly?”

I looked at her, really looked at her, and was surprised to see my old mom looking back at me. Getting away from Brookside had done wonders for her. She looked healthy and sane, and I would be willing to bet her morning cup of coffee no longer had a healthy dose of Irish in it.

“Because he broke my heart once before. Because look at you and Dad. Because look at me … I’m so screwed up, how could it have ended any other way?”

“What happened, Saint?”

I didn’t think I wanted to relive it, but before I could stop, the words, the entire story, starting with seeing him the night Rome got stabbed, came pouring out of me in an unstoppable torrent. When I got to the scene yesterday she was frowning, but as I told her about Nash telling me he loved me, she started to nod and grin at me. I thought that reaction was totally uncalled for until she reached over and patted me on the knee.

“Honey, you have to let that boy love you if he’s the one for you.”

I balked at her and set my coffee down with a thunk on the table. “Did you miss the part where he had a beautiful, naked girl in his apartment? How am I supposed to overlook that?”

She lifted an eyebrow at me. “In your heart, do you really think he would cheat on you? Do something to jeopardize all the work he put into getting you to let him in?”

“Why wouldn’t he?”

“Saint, don’t you know the question is why would he? Why would he cheat on you when you are apparently what he wants? Why would he have worked so hard to get to you, tolerated your hang-ups and oddities, made a space for you in his very busy life, if he was just going to screw it up the first chance he got? Is he a moron?”

“No, he’s really smart, but so is Dad, and he cheated on you.”

She winced involuntarily and I opened my mouth to apologize, but she waved it off.

“Your dad cheated because he no longer loved me and he was bored. It took me all this time to get to that point that I recognize it now. He was a coward, and instead of just saying he didn’t have the same feelings for me anymore, he had an affair. Your young man doesn’t sound like a coward, Saint. He sounds like a man willing to put his heart on the line for you.”

I huffed in aggravation and threw myself back in the seat with my arms across my chest.

“Why are you taking his side, Mom?”

“Because I love you and I realize now that I may have had a hand in some of the issues you are struggling with that are keeping you from being truly happy. I was hard on you, had a hard time with how quiet you were, and nitpicked about your looks and lack of social life when you were younger because I thought I was helping. I thought if you acted more like Faith, looked a little more polished, you would have an easier time of things. Kids can be cruel and I didn’t want that for you. I should’ve appreciated the wonderful child I had, not tried to make you into something else.”

“Oh my God, Mom.”

She took her sunglasses off and looked me dead in the eye. “Listen, honey, I loved your dad my entire life. He was everything to me, and yes, I went off my rocker when that went away. I thought my life was going to be over when he left me, but I wouldn’t change any of it now that I’ve had some space to reflect. At one point our love was the most beautiful thing in the world to me; it brought you and your sister into the world, and it gave me something to look forward to each and every day. It might have gone badly at the end, might have hurt me more than I thought possible when it went away, but I wouldn’t trade a single moment of the best parts of it. I would never trade in experiencing that hurt for the family that our love created, Saint.”

I felt tears pressing in my eyes and had to blink them back before I could answer her.

“Do you think you’ll ever be able to forgive Dad for what he did?”

She murmured something and tilted her head to look at me. “For walking away from our family, for hurting you girls … no, I won’t. What I can do now is recognize that we are all very much human and capable of making bad choices without thinking of the long-term repercussions. Saint, you had to come get me out of jail because I tried to brain a woman with a bottle of maple syrup. We all make mistakes, some worse than others.”

“I don’t want to hurt like this because of someone else’s mistakes, Mom.”

I was talking about more than Nash and I think on a level that only a mother and a woman hurt by a man she loved could understand. She understood what I was saying without words.

“Saint, hurting is how you know it’s real. If he didn’t matter, if he was just some guy, even back then it wouldn’t have lasted with you the way it has. You can’t run from feeling things, even if some of those things are awful, because love opens you up to experiencing emotions you haven’t ever felt before.”

“He’s the only one who has ever made me feel anything like this.” He was also the only one that made me feel desire, hope, and gut-wrenching sorrow while I watched him grapple with the truth about his dad and Phil’s subsequent illness.

“What is it that you think you deserve, honey? If it isn’t this guy, what he has to offer, then what is it?”

“I have a great job that I love and work hard at. I care a lot about other people and I deserve someone who appreciates all of that.”

“This tattoo guy doesn’t?”

I pouted like a little kid. “No, he does, a lot actually. Those are some of his favorite qualities in me. He told me I deserve the best because of the lengths I go to for others.”

“What else?”

“What do you mean, ‘what else’?”

She gave me a hard look and leaned over so she could grab my face. She squished my pout together so hard I’m sure I looked like a duck.

“You are stunningly beautiful, you are desirable and vibrant, and you always have been. You deserve someone who worships you, who looks at you and knows no one is more perfect than you.”

Now there was no holding back the tears. My mom and I weren’t exactly ever on the same page about things, but hearing her say those words to me broke something free that had been lodged in my subconscious my entire life. I rubbed my hands roughly over my cheeks and blinked away the moisture clinging to my lashes.

“He tells me I’m perfect all the time.”

“Are you in love with him?”

I nodded sadly. “I don’t want to be, but I couldn’t stop it from happening.”

“Because it was meant to be.”

I choked on a laugh and picked up my coffee. “Who are you and what did you do with my mom?”

She reached out and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. “You came home to try and pull me out of my funk. You never gave up on me when I was terrible to you and your sister. You came and got me out of jail and never stopped loving me. Even with all the turmoil your father dropped on us, you never stopped caring about him. I want what’s best for you, and while I would prefer a doctor to a tattoo artist, any man that can shake you up, get you out of that boring, secure little bubble you always live in, is welcome in my book. Now go get dressed and let’s go shopping like normal people do when their hearts are hurting.”

I didn’t want to go shopping, or go to the country club for lunch. I didn’t want to go to a wine tasting that night or to the tapas restaurant with my mom and all her single friends the next night. By the end of day three, I was ready to pull out my hair. I was bored, missed my sister and my job, and had learned way too much about my mom’s new sex life. Mostly, all I wanted was to get back to the mountains and, in all honesty, get back to Nash.

On the fourth day I broke down and sent him a text. All I could think to say was: I’m so sorry. We need to talk.

When he didn’t answer me back the rest of the day, I decided enough was enough. If I was the hurdle that I needed to get over in order to have him, then the only way to do it was just get over it. I was still scared, still worried about being enough, about being able to give back everything he seemed so willing to lay at my feet, but going home and confronting him, and the person he saw when he looked at me, was the first step. All people deserved love and kindness. Seeing that young girl take her own life drove that point home more clearly than anything else could have. I needed to take what Nash was showing me at face value. No one was ever going to love me better than he did.

I was only two hours into the twelve-hour return trip when I got a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize that came from a 303 area code. Figuring it was work or work related, I answered.

“Hello?”

“Saint.” It took me a second to recognize Royal’s voice. “Where are you?”

“Just outside of Phoenix headed home. Why? How did you get this number?”

“I know I’m the last person you want to hear from now, but the faster you can get here the better. And I’m a cop, how do you think I got your number?”

She was talking fast and an uneasy shiver slid down my spine.

“What’s going on?”

She sighed. “You were a real bitch, you know that? I don’t typically tell people about my circumstances, about the deal with my mom and the stockbroker, but I thought since you were touchy about being judged, you would get it. That was really mean what you said to me.”

Hello, life lesson right in my face. I had practically called her a whore, told her she was no better than her mother. I didn’t really mean it, didn’t know her well enough to make that kind of judgment call. I had just been spouting off like a stupid idiot because I was hurt and mad. Any lingering remains of trying to use what Nash had said in the past against him turned to ash. I couldn’t blame him anymore when I was guilty of doing the exact same thing. Luckily, unlike I had been, Royal seemed willing to accept an apology.

“I know. I’m sorry. That was a hard scene to walk in on. I jumped to conclusions without listening to explanations.”

“Well, it did look bad. I made a bunch of extra keys and now half of Denver is on call to let me in my apartment should I lock myself out again, but anyway, you need to get your cute little butt back here. Phil took a drastic turn for the worse. The mouthy little blonde with the baby was getting a bunch of stuff for Nash since he hasn’t left Phil’s bedside since you left. It doesn’t look very good. You don’t want your man to have to go through that alone. He needs you.”

I think what I was supposed to take away from this entire nightmare was not to pay attention to what words were said no matter how ugly, or to what I was seeing no matter how bad it looked. I had to have faith in the people involved—myself included. Mistakes were going to be made; that didn’t mean I had to forsake my life and my happiness because of them, not when Nash had shown me time and time again he was worth working through the pain and confusion for.

“I won’t be back in Denver until late tonight.”

She made a noise in her throat. “I hope Nash’s dad lasts that long.”

I did, too. “Thank you for letting me know.”

“I told you I wanted us to be friends.”

“I think I’m finally ready to believe you. I’m a neurotic weirdo, though. I don’t know how great a friend that will make me.”

She laughed a little even though she still sounded kind of sad. “We all have things, Saint. Things we struggle with, things that make it hard for us to see ourselves how others view us. Sharing those things is the only way to get past them.”

I didn’t tell her that I had just recently figured that out. If I didn’t get back to Denver in time, that was just one more thing I was going to have to overcome. I would never forgive myself if Nash had to face Phil passing away without me. Sure, he had a multitude of friends, people that loved him unconditionally, to help him handle his grief, but like Royal said, he needed me. No one else would do, and that’s how I knew loving him back, giving him all he gave me wasn’t going to be a problem because I needed him and only him in the exact same way.