Nash

CHAPTER 5 Nash

I was running on empty and getting increasingly short-tempered. Instead of working noon to seven, I was having to go in at nine and stay until eight or later to make up for all the people I had screwed over by skipping their appointments in the midst of my mental breakdown the previous week. My appointment book was always pretty full, so trying to reschedule an entire week’s worth of work wasn’t just a nightmare for me, but also had Cora ready to choke me.

I was also trying to spend each lunch break visiting Phil, which meant there wasn’t a moment of downtime in my entire day. He wasn’t doing so great. His lungs had water in them and one of the pain medications they had him on wasn’t agreeing with his stomach, so he was having a hard time keeping anything down. It was hard to see him like that, like he was just wasting away right before my eyes. Seeing him fading away from me had hundreds of questions rattling around in my mind. I really wanted to pin him down and get the story from him. The shock had worn off some and now I wanted answers. I wasn’t scared of his response anymore. There was no way Phil was ashamed or unhappy that I was of his blood.

I could’ve just hounded my mom until she gave the details up, but dealing with her was always a nightmare and I didn’t know that she could be bothered to tell the truth. Cora mentioned that her dad seemed to be privy to the insider information and she was totally open to prying the story out of him if I wanted. Her dad and Phil had been enlisted in the navy together years ago and had maintained a tight bond over the years.

I told her to hold off because I needed to give the people who’d been involved, who’d let me live a lie for so long, the right to explain their decisions. However, if Phil didn’t decide to stop stonewalling me soon, I was going to take her up on the offer and not feel one ounce of guilt over it.

I was the only one in the shop. I had to finish a zombie Hello Kitty tattoo on a girl’s leg. I was so over zombies. Every day it was zombie Elvis, zombie Marilyn, zombie Harry Potter … it was all zombies all the time. I mean I always made sure to give one hundred percent attention and dedication to every tattoo I put on a client. I owed them nothing less considering they would be sporting my artwork forever, but really I wondered if a lot of the younger clientele who ended up in my chair gave any thought to the passing trends. In five years zombie Elvis wasn’t going to seem nearly as cool as it did now, so I had to make sure it was at least an awesomely done tattoo even if the subject matter wouldn’t always be relevant.

I was just finishing up and looking at the clock that sat on the front desk to see if I had time to go to the hospital, and was surprised when the front door to the shop swung open and Rowdy came strolling in. Rowdy St. James looked like a modern-day James Dean. He had a retro-cool vibe that was all his own and he was one of the funniest guys I had ever met. He made the atmosphere in the shop more lighthearted, since Rule could be such a dick and Cora liked to cause drama and be in everybody’s business. I lifted an eyebrow at him and finished wrapping the girl and her zombie up.

“What’s up, man?”

The client paid and told me how deliriously happy she was with her zombified kitty as I showed her out and locked the door behind her.

“You’ve been pulling some crazy hours lately, dude.”

To make his point even more obvious I yawned and had to crack my neck.

“It’s my own fault. I shouldn’t have been acting like such a douche canoe last week.”

“That was some heavy shit to deal with.”

“Yeah, but I’m a grown-ass man. I was acting like a baby.”

“No one blames you.”

No they didn’t, but they should have. It took Saint showing up and telling me to pull my head out of my ass to see beyond my own churning feelings and Rule strong-arming me into acting right.

“What are you doing here so late?” I asked as I started to straighten my station up.

“I was looking for you. I stopped at the hospital to see Phil and he mentioned the new shop. That’s pretty cool.”

“Yeah. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do about it, though.”

He chuckled and leaned on the front desk while I wiped things down with strong antiseptic.

“Well, I don’t know shit about hiring a new staff, and thinking you’re going to find someone to replace Cora is a pipe dream. That mold didn’t just break, it got shattered into a million pieces on the floor. The world couldn’t handle more than one of her.”

I laughed because he was right, and stood up so I could crack my back. I sounded like I was falling apart.

“True.”

“I know a guy, he does custom renovations and stuff like that. He’s a good dude, one of my clients actually. I just wanted to let you know I had a name when it comes to getting the place ready to be turned into a tattoo shop.”

“Who is it?”

“Zeb Fuller.”

I had heard the name before. Zeb was a fellow car guy. He had an old International that he took to the same mechanic I used whenever the beast had something wrong with it I couldn’t handle on my own.

“Cool. I’ll keep him in mind. I haven’t even made it down there yet. Between trying to catch up here and spend time with Phil, I’m just running in circles.”

Not to mention even though I knew she wanted me to steer clear of her, I was still silently searching for Saint every time I stepped inside the hospital doors. So far I hadn’t had any luck, but that didn’t stop me from looking for her.

“Yeah, I’ve noticed that, and Rule is all in super-groom mode. Oh, how things have changed around this place in the last few years. I remember when we were all about a good time and a few cold ones.”

“Hey, I still am.” My argument was halfhearted at best. I was too tired for a good time.

He laughed at me and rolled his ocean-colored eyes.

“No way, Nash. Our entire crew is getting married and having babies, we’re all growing up and settling down.”

Rowdy was the youngest of our band of brothers, so it was funny hearing this coming from him. I hit the lights and pulled a black beanie on over my shaved head.

“Had to happen sometime, I guess, but marriage and babies …” I made a face. “Not for me.”

“We’ll see, brother. We’ll see. Honestly, none of that was really why I tracked you down. I have an idea I want to run by you for the new shop.”

Rowdy was an interesting guy. He was funny, the jokester of the group, but he also had a lot going on under the surface. I think that’s why he and Jet were so tight, there was so much more going on there than most people took at face value. He was way more into the art of what we did for a living than the rest of us were. I think underneath his tremendous hair, perfectly groomed chops, and jovial persona lurked the soul of a truly artistic man. I appreciated it, and him, so if he had an idea I was more than willing to give it a chance. Plus it had to matter a lot to him if he was approaching me after everyone else had cleared out for the day.

“Shoot.”

I was a little surprised to see he looked a bit nervous. There was a little flush of pink behind that big-ass tattoo of an anchor he rocked on the side of his neck.

“Cora mentioned there was an empty space on the top floor of the new space that had offices and stuff. I think you should turn it into a store. Keep the tattoo shop and the piercing stuff downstairs, but upstairs you should consider selling stuff … like our own brand. More than just T-shirts and shit like we do now. I also think it might be a profitable idea to showcase some original art by the artists. Like Rule did that mural in the man cave for those rich guys and the way you did the back of that restaurant in graffiti on Broadway. People would buy it, and in that location you guys could charge an arm and a leg for it.”

I could only stare at him. He must have taken my stunned surprise the wrong way because he shrugged and lifted a tattooed hand to rub the back of his neck.

“Or not. It was just an idea.”

I blinked and reached out to shove him in the center of his chest with my palm.

“A fucking brilliant idea. Goddamn, dude, Phil should have left you in charge of this new project. I had no idea you were so business savvy.”

We walked out the front door and entered into the cold Colorado air. The chill sucked the breath out of my lungs and made me shiver inside my hoodie.

“I just watched what Rome and Asa did with that dive of a bar they ended up running and I thought we should try and up our game some as well. I love this place, love what we do, so why not take it to the next level?”

“That means whoever we hire to manage these shops in place of Cora is going to have to be a perfect fit. You don’t happen to know anyone that can fill that role, do ya?”

I automatically patted the pocket of my hoodie looking for a smoke and almost threw a fit when I came up empty. Quitting sucked and I sucked at quitting, but I was trying hard, and every time I saw Phil in that bed it made it a little bit easier.

Rowdy shook his blond head and pulled the collar of his quilted flannel up around his neck.

“Nope, but you’ll find someone. You have great instincts about people and Rule is like the gatekeeper from hell, not to mention whoever you hire has to pass the Cora test. You need to give yourself some credit, Nash. This is Phil’s life, his legacy … of course you’re the only one he would trust with it. We’re family, he wanted you to carry on the tradition and keep this place a home. You’ve got this, brother. Have some faith.”

I just grunted and turned to walk to where the Charger was parked. Light flurries of snow were starting to blanket the ground.

I glanced at him when he asked, “Hey, I heard your new neighbor is a solid ten. What’s up with that?”

I lifted a shoulder and let it fall. What was up with that was that her hair was the wrong color of red and her eyes were dark, not a lulling, gentle gray.

“Too busy, too jacked up over Phil … I dunno. Swing by for a beer and you can introduce yourself.”

He didn’t respond, just gave me a look. A look that clearly stated if I wasn’t trying to actively get in the hot neighbor’s pants, something else was going on. Luckily it was freezing, so neither one of us wanted to hang out on the sidewalk, and I got to cleanly escape without floundering around for a weak excuse as to my real reasons for not throwing all my considerable game at the hottie across the hall.

When I got to the hospital, it was almost nine. I tried to park close so I didn’t have to trek to the front door and freeze my balls off on the way, but fate wasn’t working for me and it took me five minutes to walk around the side of the complex to the front doors after finally finding a spot. I was muttering under my breath about needing a cigarette and rubbing my hands together to keep them warm when I came to a stumbling halt as I cleared the corner of the main building.

Saint was pacing back and forth on the sidewalk. The lights from the building were casting her in an ethereal and glinting light, like the heavens above were illuminating her with their glow, making each snowflake trapped in her amazing hair glimmer. She wasn’t just called Saint … it was like some unknown force was trying to push me into seeing her as so much more. Her normally restrained hair was all over the place, rioting around her pale face like fire and copper. Snowflakes were gathering in the loose strands but she didn’t seem to notice. She was dressed in her scrubs, no coat or gloves, and the cold didn’t seem to have any effect on her as she meandered back and forth. She was moving frantically, her arms crossed tightly around her chest like she was trying to give herself a bear hug.

I knew she didn’t want to have anything to do with me, that she wanted to pretend I didn’t exist, but I couldn’t just walk by her without asking her what was wrong, without seeing if she was okay. I wasn’t that kind of person, and more importantly it actually mattered to me why she was out here when she was obviously upset, and why she didn’t have a coat or anything on when it was so cold out.

“Saint?”

I called her name softly and moved a little closer. When she turned around I could see the frozen tracks of tears on her cheeks and could practically feel the coiled tension coming off her body. I was surprised the snow that was landing on her face and clinging to her eyelashes didn’t melt right off with all the heat and energy she was throwing off.

“Are you all right?”

She blinked at me like she didn’t recognize me, and I thought maybe it was the hat covering my head. She opened her mouth and then let it snap close again like words just wouldn’t come out. Her arms fell to her sides and she just stared at me, not saying anything or moving for a long moment. I was about to apologize for bothering her, yet again, when she suddenly moved toward me … she lurched like she had come untethered from the earth. I had no idea what she was doing, but the expression on her face was intent and focused, so I braced for her to smack me across the face or put a knee in my balls. With this girl I just never knew which way the tide was going to turn.

I wasn’t prepared for her to throw herself against my chest. I was so startled I actually had to take a step back as I wrapped my arms around her waist. She put her hands up around my shoulders and curled her freezing-cold fingers under the collar of my hoodie and dug her fingers into the back of my neck. Her breasts smashed into my chest and her long hair coiled around my fingers where I was holding on to her lower back. It was silky and cool, like touching frost on a pane of glass. I was dumbfounded, trying to figure out what she was doing, when she slammed her mouth across mine. Good thing she was tall and didn’t have to reach very far because if I had been holding her up, there was a good chance I might have dropped her right back to the ground in surprise.

Her mouth was hot, frantic, wild, and desperate. She tasted like winter and some kind of tangy citrus. I knew this because she didn’t hesitate to roll her tongue into my startled mouth. I had been kissed by a lot of girls, probably too many over the years, and not one of them sent me from comfortable to feeling like my boxers were ten sizes too small in a fraction of a second the way Saint did. It wasn’t even that it was a great kiss. There was something behind it, something with more edge, more meaning than any other kiss I could remember. The way her soft lips felt pressed tightly against mine, the way she used her teeth with just enough bite, the way her short nails dug into the tendons on either side of my neck turned me inside out.

If we hadn’t been standing outside getting snowed on, hadn’t been standing in the middle of a sidewalk, I would have pushed her against a wall … hell, I would’ve found a soft spot on the ground and let her work out whatever was hounding her in the sexiest, nastiest way possible. If she needed a physical release to get her emotions out, I would be only too happy to volunteer my time and my body. I had a sinking suspicion if I was ever lucky enough to get her naked, I would never let her put on clothes around me again.

She slid her hands around to the front of my face and grabbed both of my cheeks. She started to shiver, and when she pulled back I was stuck in the rolling thunderstorm that was her gaze. I moved one hand up and wiped away a single, crystal tear that was stuck on her eyelash with my knuckle. She let out a shuddering sigh and closed her eyes.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to attack you with my mouth.” She sounded embarrassed and sad at the same time.

I burst out laughing and took a step back as she let her hands fall. Some of her awareness must have come back because she started to shake. I sighed and pulled the zipper on my hoodie down so that I could hand it over to her. She looked at me silently for a second and then took it.

“Saint, you can attack me with any part of you at any given moment of any day. I will not complain … ever.”

She laughed a little shakily.

“Thanks.”

“Do you wanna talk about what has you out in the snow pacing back and forth?”

It was a long shot. She never seemed to really want to talk to me, but she still looked so haunted, I had to ask.

She shook her head and shoved her hands through her hair. Some of the red strands floated up like a halo around her head.

“It’s been busy all week. The weather makes things insane and it’s flu season. I can typically handle everything that comes through the door. Sometimes it can get overwhelming and breaks my heart, but I do my job and can typically wait until I get home to process it all or fall apart.”

I couldn’t even imagine what she had to deal with on a day-to-day basis. Rule’s twin brother, Remy, had been brought to this very ER when he had crashed his car on the interstate in a horrific accident. He hadn’t made it and it occurred to me that was something she had to see all the time.

“Today a teenage girl was rushed in. Her parents found her overdosed in the bathroom. She was just a baby really, had her entire life in front of her, but she swallowed an entire bottle of pills because kids at her school were picking on her, bullying her. They were being mean to her, calling her awful names on the Internet, and she just couldn’t take it anymore.”

I saw her bottom lip quiver before she trapped it between her teeth. Her eyes lifted back up to mine and the gray had turned slate. I wondered if she was seeing her teenage self in that patient, and felt a twinge of remorse that I hadn’t paid more attention to her back then.

“I see death and tragedy all the time and nothing makes it worse than when it’s totally senseless. All she needed was some niceness, some basic human kindness, and she wouldn’t be on her way to the morgue and her parents wouldn’t be devastated. It’s heartbreaking and so senseless.”

She pulled her hands into the sleeves of my hoodie and looked up at me. “And I have to go talk to my mom tomorrow, which is the equivalent of getting a hundred root canals at one time. This day was vicious and I think I went a little off the rails for a second.”

It was my turn to shiver.

“I’m sorry, Saint. That sounds awful.”

She narrowed her eyes at me and tilted her head toward the front of building.

“How do you know? Have you ever had anyone make fun of you, been called awful names, had anyone make you feel like you didn’t deserve to live just because you weren’t the same as everyone else?”

I winced at her harsh tone and tried to put together how she could go from sweet to hostile toward me so quickly. Her train of thought moved like a scared jackrabbit.

I reached out and grabbed her elbow and spun her around so that she was facing me.

“Look, I don’t know what I did or said that makes you think I’m some kind of monster. I do know exactly what that’s like, though, Saint. I lived with Phil for most of my childhood because my own mom didn’t like me, didn’t think I was good enough to keep around. I wasn’t like her or her husband, so she didn’t want me. She married a guy that loathed me before I was even old enough to question why. I heard it on repeat every day of my childhood, the names, the taunts, the derisions for simply being alive. So that’s how I know. Granted, mine didn’t come from my peers, but does that make a difference? Hateful actions suck no matter who is delivering them.”

Something crossed her pretty face and I noticed that in true redhead fashion she had a few tiny little freckles that dotted the bridge of her nose. She wrinkled the speckled feature and walked with me to the elevator. I could practically see her trying to pick apart my words as we moved together.

“Visiting hours are over but I’ll sneak you in considering I waylaid you outside.”

“Thanks, so what’s up with your mom? Why is going to visit her on par with the dentist?”

She made a noise in her throat and leaned against the other side of the elevator. I wanted to hit the panic button and trap us in here together for an hour or two so I could see if I could get her to put her mouth on mine again.

“She’s always kind of been a difficult woman, even in the best of times, but now that she and my dad are getting a divorce, she’s turned into something else and I long for the days of difficult.”

This was the most she’d ever told me about herself.

“How long were they married for?”

“Long enough to decide that they didn’t like each other very much anymore.”

“That sucks, but isn’t that how all marriages end?”

She lifted an eyebrow at me.

“Your mom is still married, and what about Rule? Didn’t he propose to his girlfriend right here in the hospital? And Jet Keller got married, didn’t he?”

“My mom is obsessed with Grant. She would fall apart if that relationship didn’t work out, and that’s not a marriage to me. Rule and Shaw are meant to be, and Jet totally married the right girl. I see those unions lasting the test of time, but who knows? People change, and stuff you thought you liked about a person can suddenly bug the crap out of you twenty years in.”

It was probably the most honest I had ever been with any girl I was attracted to when it came to my thoughts on relationships and forever. I typically spent time with girls that didn’t want to talk about long term or knew that if they did I was out the door.

“So you don’t think you’ll ever get married or have kids?” She sounded curious but also something more.

I shrugged and reached up to pull my hat off of my head and shove it into my back pocket.

“I doubt it.”

She muttered something I didn’t catch under her breath and walked with me to the desk. She talked to the night nurse, signed something, and came back over to where I was hovering off to the side.

“You’re all set. You can only go in for a half hour, but that’s better than nothing.”

“I appreciate it.”

She cocked her head to the side and blinked those cloudy eyes at me like she was trying to find something to say. I thought she was extra cute when she was all unsure like that.

She gave me a really sad smile and slipped my hoodie off to hand it back to me. I wanted to put it to my face and see if it smelled like oranges now instead of cigarette smoke.

“It’s devastating when someone you think you can love ends up disappointing you in the end, so I understand where you are coming from. Thanks, for, well, everything tonight, I guess. I’m actually glad I ran into you.”

She was walking away from me. I could never seem to get a handle on this girl or really understand why I wanted to handle her in the first place. Maybe it was because we were talking about weddings, or maybe it was because I wanted to kiss her and a whole lot more, but I couldn’t stop myself from blurting out, “Come to Rule’s wedding with me.”

She stopped and went absolutely still. She glanced at me over her shoulder and I could see her trying to say no without using the actual word. I lifted an eyebrow at her and gave her a grin.

“It’s on Christmas Eve in a week. Don’t say no, just think about it.” I hooked a thumb at the closed door where Phil was at. “Come find me if you decide you want to give it a shot. It’ll be fun … well, as fun as a wedding can be when the bride hasn’t told her parents she’s getting married and the groom is as unpredictable as Rule. Just think about it.”

Before she could outright reject the notion, I slipped into Phil’s dark room and closed the door behind me. I was surprised he was still awake, but those eyes that were so like mine were wide open and watching me with unmistakable humor.

“The redheaded nurse?”

I grunted and took a seat next to the bed.

“Yeah.”

“She’s very pretty and a total doll. She stopped by to check on me a few days ago, and when I told her I was bored out of my mind, she showed up with those. I coulda kissed her.” He indicated a thick stack of magazines off to the side that had pictures of motorcycles and scantily clad women gracing the covers. Man, she really was sweet. She didn’t have to do that for him.

“She’s something else for sure. I’ve never met a chick that runs so hot and cold. We went to school together when I was younger.”

He lifted both his eyebrows and shifted his legs under the covers.

“You think it has something to do with when you were a pain-in-the-ass teenager? You used to run your mouth and not think about it all the time and you had a tendency to act like a little shit when the mood struck. You and Rule both. Maybe the man is paying for the sins of his younger self.”

I pondered that and inclined my chin at him.

“You look a little better.”

“Better is relative. The pneumonia is on the mend, and they tell me I might make it out of here by the end of the week. I’m going to have to look at hiring someone for home care, though, because the worst is yet to come, and I’m not staying in this hospital surrounded by machines, just waiting for the end to sweep in and take me.”

I frowned and folded my hands together and rested my forearms on my knees.

“How can you sound so matter-of-fact about the fact you’re dying? It rips my fucking guts out and you talk about it like we’re discussing what to have for dinner.”

“I’ve had longer to get used to the idea than you have, son. I’m sorry that I never could find the right words to talk to you about it before now. The first time around you were just a little kid and I thought I was invincible. This time I know none of that holds any water.”

That didn’t make feel any better, but I guess nothing ever would.

“When are you going to tell me how all this happened? How did no one ever think I needed to know the truth about you and Mom?”

He sighed, which started a round of coughing that had his whole body contorting. I wanted to feel bad for asking but I needed to know.

“That’s a long story for another place and time. Really I think you should ask your mother about it.”

I threw my big frame back in the chair and glared at him.

“I want the truth and I doubt she even knows what that looks like.”

He clicked his tongue at me and shifted in the bed again. He just looked so frail and so unlike the man that I had always wanted to emulate. It scared me.

“We are equally accountable for not telling you sooner. She made some bad choices, decided her future was going to look one way no matter what stood in her path—me, you and anything else. I was grateful for the time I had with you, and the rest of the boys. Do I wish you had known that you were my kid sooner? Yes, but I also understand why your mother wanted to keep it a secret for as long as she did. I made some bad choices along the way as well, Nash.”

“Why did you let her do this to us? To me? My childhood was a nightmare until you got involved.”

He gave me a look I recognized all too well. I saw it on Rule. I saw it on Jet. I saw it on Rome every time they looked at the women that had captured their hearts forever, so I answered for him.

“You loved her.”

He closed his eyes and slumped down on the pillows piled up behind him.

“Love isn’t something you can negotiate, Nash. When it happens, it becomes everything.”

“Oh, trust me, I know. I’ve been on the losing end of love my entire life.”

“You can’t base love on the experience you had growing up. Loving someone you want to make your own has a different feeling, a different power than the love you have for family. It’s different and the chains that bind it can be unbreakable.” His voice cracked and his eyes slid closed.

He was fading fast, so I got to my feet and walked over so I could clap a hand on his shoulder. It took all my will not to flinch when I felt how brittle he was under the black sweater he had on.

“I guess. I just don’t know how anyone can love a guy whose own mom tossed him over. That doesn’t bode well in my book. If Mom couldn’t love me, how is anyone else going to for the long haul?”

He might have had an argument that would’ve made me feel better but he drifted off to sleep before he could give it to me.

I never considered forever with anyone. I didn’t think it was for me, but when I thought about the way Saint’s eyes shifted from light gray to pewter, and remembered the way she felt pressed up against me in both my desperation and her own, I was starting to wonder if I needed to reconsider my view on things.