Not My Daughter

Chapter 5

The clinic was in the basement of the school. Susan's preference had been for something more open and bright, but with so little available space, the basement was a necessary concession. Its proximity to the locker rooms was a plus; sports injuries were a fact of life in a school that fielded fiercely competitive teams. A direct entrance to the back parking lot also helped when a communicable disease was involved.

Using that back entrance now, Susan passed two students at the nurse's desk and checked the cubicles. She found Lily on a bed in the third cubicle, looking pathetically young. Her knees were bent. One hand lay over her middle, her other arm covered her eyes.

"Sweetie?"

Lily moved her arm and, seeing Susan, immediately teared up. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

One look at her and Susan's heart melted. "What happened?"

The words came in a breathy rush. "I was feeling sick, so I went to my locker for crackers, and Abby was there and announced, I mean, in a big, loud voice, that what did I expect, being pregnant. It was a nightmare, Mom. There were kids everywhere, and they all stopped walking and stared. I wanted to tell them she was wrong, only I couldn't. I was so upset-I mean, how could Abby do that? I've never actually thrown up before, but I did it then, in front of everyone."

She looked green enough to do it again, but Susan didn't care. Sitting on the edge of the gurney, she pulled her into her arms. Lily was going through what she personally knew was trial by fire. A good mother didn't feel anger toward her child when she was in this kind of pain.

Besides, Susan blamed herself as much as Abby. She had been distant and cool when her daughter needed support. Rocking gently, with her chin on Lily's head, she tried to think.

Just then the nurse opened the curtain. Amy Sheehan was in her mid-thirties, attractive in sweater and jeans, and soft-spoken. Eminently approachable, she had been Susan's first choice for the job, no concessions there. Her voice was gentle now. "Lily told me. She said she saw a doctor."

Susan nodded, but her mind was racing. She had hoped for time. Now what?

Lily looked up. Her eyes were haunted. "I had last lunch. I thought if I got something in my stomach, I'd be able to make it 'til then. I didn't expect to feel so sick. The books said it would stop after twelve weeks."

Susan recalled suffering from nausea well past the magical date. "What do books know? But it is what it is. Time to go to Plan B."

"What's that?"

"Beats me." She eyed the nurse. "Any thoughts?"

Amy was apologetic. "You really can't deny it. Not if Lily's keeping the baby. It'll be obvious soon enough."

She didn't have to go on. Deny the pregnancy now, and when Lily begins to show, the denial itself will be an issue. Especially for the high school principal.

Lily looked at Susan again. "What did you do?"

Susan didn't have to fill in Amy on her history. Her age and Lily's, both, were a matter of record. Besides, Susan had laid it out when she hired Amy to head the school clinic. I hid my pregnancy for five months. I risked my own health and my baby's because I didn't know where to turn. I want our students to have a place to go when they can't go to their parents. I don't want any sexual problems ignored.

In answer to Lily now, she smiled sadly. "I was lucky enough not to throw up in public, so I had a little more time. My sport was track. I wore my top loose. But it's hard to hide things in a locker room. My teammates saw it first. They were my Abby."

"Why did she do that?" Lily cried, but Susan could only shake her head.

"It's done. There's no going back." She took the car keys from her pocket. "I think you should go home for the day. Let things settle. We'll have more perspective later."

What she was hoping, of course, was that Abby's announcement hadn't actually been heard. It was pure denial on her part, the mother in her. With her emotions seesawing between present and past, a part of her just wanted to hide.

But she had barely returned to her office when the questions began, first from the teacher whose class Lily had just missed, then from another teacher wanting to report what her students were saying. By the time she reached the lunchroom, the looks she received said that word was spreading fast.

Mary Kate and Jess avoided her-but they generally did at school, and with Susan's approval. They had discussed the issue of their relationship when Susan was first named principal. Her closeness to these girls was almost as tricky as her being Lily's mother.

The fact that Mary Kate and Jess were with other friends now-and that none were looking at them strangely-told Susan that Lily was the only one who had been outed. For now. Knowing Mary Kate and Jess as she did, she figured they were stressing about that.

Abby never made it to lunch, which wasn't unusual. A student whose schedule was tight often wolfed something down while running between classes. Not that Susan would have been able to talk with her here. What could she have said without making things worse? How could you do that to a good friend-and knowing about this all along-and trying to get pregnant yourself?

She couldn't possibly be objective, not with her heart bleeding for her daughter. Lily would be on display, all alone, when she returned to school tomorrow. Susan could only imagine who else would know by then.

It was a long day. Only a few other direct questions came, which made Susan nervous. She knew her staff; news like this would fly through the faculty lounge. Friends might be keeping their distance from Susan out of understanding or perhaps respect, but others-her detractors-would be gloating.

She met with two teachers after school. Both, new hires, were in her office for evaluation conferences. Neither mentioned Lily-but, of course, they were more worried about their jobs than about Susan's pregnant daughter. After the teachers came a pair of parent meetings, one about a drug problem, the other about an alleged plagiarism. They, too, had greater worries.

It did put things in perspective, Susan thought, but by the time she got home, she was discouraged. She wanted to protect her daughter but couldn't, and though she knew that the girl had brought this on herself, her own heart broke.

Lily had been studying, as evidenced by the scatter of books on her bed, but she was sleeping now. Letting her be, Susan went to the den and turned on the TV. She had to wait through stories on the economy, a celebrity murder, and a report on global warming before Rick appeared.

He was covering post-cholera Zimbabwe, in as sobering a report as Susan had heard. Poverty, homelessness, hunger-more perspective here. Lily wasn't poor, homeless, or hungry. But that didn't mean they weren't in crisis.

Remote in hand, she waited until he was into his sign-off before freezing his image on the screen. Then she tossed the remote aside, picked up the cordless, and, with her eyes on his handsome, sunburned face, punched in his number. There was one ring, then another of a slightly different tone as the call was transferred. After five more rings, he picked up.

"Lily?" he asked with endearing hope, his rich voice remarkably clear given how far away he was.

"It's me. That was an amazing piece you just did."

"Sad that someone has to do it," he said, but he sounded pleased to hear her voice. "Hold on a sec, hon." She imagined him pressing the phone to his denim shirt while he spoke to whomever-his producer, a cameraman, the WHO agent he had just interviewed. When he returned, he spoke in an uneven cadence that suggested he was walking, probably looking for privacy. She imagined that he stopped on the far side of the media van.

"We thought things would be better after the cholera epidemic," he said. "It seemed like the world had finally taken notice of what was happening here. But conditions now are worse than ever. Tell me something good, Susie. I need to hear something happy."

Susan had only one thing to tell. "Lily's pregnant."

The silence that followed was so long, she feared they had lost the connection. "Rick?"

"I'm thinking you wouldn't joke about something like that."

"Well, it isn't cholera or poverty. But it is an issue."

There was another pause. Then a frightened "Was she raped?"

"Oh God, no."

"Who's the guy?"

"She won't tell. And no, she hasn't been dating anyone special," Susan rushed on before he could ask. "I see her at school. I see her on the weekends. Usually, if I miss something, I hear it from someone else."

"Why won't she tell?"

Because she's stubborn? Misguided? Loyal? Susan sighed. "Because the guy was only a means to an end." She filled him in as best she could, but even after nine days, the story seemed bizarre. "She and her friends just decided the time was right to have a baby. Mary Kate and Jess are pregnant, too."

She heard a bewildered oath, then an astonished "They made a pact?"

There it was, the word she didn't want to hear. "I wouldn't call it that."

"What would you call it?"

She tried to think of a better word. An agreement? A promise? A deal? But that was just a way to pretty things up. "A pact," she finally conceded.

"What do we know about pact behavior?" asked Rick the journalist.

"Mostly that Lily isn't your typical candidate," replied Susan the educator. Pact behavior was a school administrator's greatest fear. One kid with a problem was bad enough. But three? "Kids collaborate with one or more friends to do something forbidden. They do it in secret, and it's usually self-destructive."

"But Lily is strong. She's self-confident."

"She's also a teenager with very close friends. They convinced each other that they could be great mothers, better than the ones they worked for last summer."

"They did it because of a summer job?"

"No, but that was the catalyst."

"They're only seventeen," he protested. Susan pictured his eyes. They were blue, alternately steely and soft, always mesmerizing. "How far along is she?"

"Twelve weeks. She only told me last week. And no, I didn't see anything. There's still practically nothing to see. I would have called you right away, only she asked me to wait. I don't know if that was out of superstition or fear."

"Fear?"

"That you'd suggest she terminate the pregnancy."

Quietly, he asked, "Is she there? Can I talk with her?"

"She's sleeping." Susan explained what had happened at school.

He swore, echoing Susan's feelings exactly. "It's all over school, then?"

"Not yet. But soon, I'd guess."

He let out a breath, audible over the many miles. "How does she feel about that?"

"Upset. She wanted to wait."

"But she isn't considering abortion."

"No. She's keeping it. She's been firm about that."

"What about you? You think she should?"

That was the question closest to Susan's heart, the dark one, the one she couldn't discuss with anyone else. "Oh, Rick," she said tiredly, "this is where I agonize. You know what I did back then. Once she was inside me, I couldn't bear the thought of not having her, so a part of me understands where she's at now." She paused.

"And the other part?"

"Just wants this to go away," she confessed, feeling like the worst person in the world. "Abortion, adoption-I don't care."

"But you haven't said that to Lily."

"No, and I won't. This is the ugly me speaking. How can I ask my daughter to do something I refused to do? And so what if keeping it changes our lives? We can deal. Who said there was only one way to live a good life?"

There was a longer pause this time, then a quiet "Your dad."

Rick always got it. "Right. So now you're the dad. What do you say?"

"I say right's the word. She has a right to want it, you have a right to want it gone-"

"But I don't want it gone," Susan broke in, feeling sinful, "at least, not all the time-only when I think about what a mess this will make of her life, or when I dwell on what an absolutely, incredibly stupid thing this was for her to do. I mean, are you proud of what she's done?"

"This minute? No. In five years, I may feel differently."

"Forget five years," Susan cried in frustration. "We're at a crossroads-here, today, now. If she's going to not keep this baby, this is the time to decide. What do I do?"

"You just said it. How can you ask her to do something you refused to do? She keeps it."

As simply as that, Susan felt a tad lighter. "What do I do about the part of me that resents that?"

"You work on it. You're a good worker."

"Like I'm a good mother?"

"You are. A good mother does her best, even when her own dreams are shot to hell. So, Lily keeps the baby. Does she have a plan?"

"To raise the baby? Well, she says she had a good role model in me." Her voice rose. "Honestly, Rick, I never imagined this. She knows how hard it was for me. She knows what I gave up. I wanted everything to be perfect for her. Maybe I wanted her to be perfect."

"No child is perfect."

"Right, so why do I feel betrayed?"

She imagined him considering that, frowning, using a forearm to push dark hair off his face. "That won't help her," he said softly. He was right, of course. This would have to be Susan's mantra. "Think of what you needed back then."

"I do. All the time."

There was a brief silence as the weight of the problem sank in. He might have cursed in the buzz of static that followed, but when he spoke next, there was no mistaking his words. "Will you tell your mother?"

Tell Ellen Tate that the daughter who had disgraced her by getting pregnant at seventeen had let her own daughter do the same? More than at any time in the last week, Susan felt defeated. "This isn't something I imagined sending in a newsy little update, though it might bring a response for once. She'll totally blame me." She pressed the phone to her ear. She had to ask it, bluntly this time. "Do you?"

"Try blame myself," he said, sounding stricken. "I haven't exactly been a hands-on dad. Besides, I've seen you in action. You're the best mother."

"Whose seventeen-year-old daughter is now pregnant and unmarried."

"Like her mom was at seventeen. Maybe Lily's just as stubborn as you were. I offered to marry you, and you refused."

"A decision for which I am grateful every time I see you on TV," Susan told the face on the screen. "You wouldn't have had this career if you'd been saddled with a wife and child."

He made a guttural sound. "Days like today, I'd have preferred the wife and child. What I do can be downright depressing."

"Same here," she cried. "I'm the principal of the high school, where everyone will know my teenage daughter is pregnant. How depressing is that?"

His pause was more thoughtful this time. "Will it cause trouble for you at work?"

Susan rubbed her forehead. "I don't know. We'll see."

"What can I do to help?"

"Strangle the guy who did this to her?" she suggested. "But how foolish is that? She says she seduced him. He didn't know what he was doing."

Rick snorted. "Oh, he did."

"You know what I mean."

"I used to. But this is my daughter, too. Lily has always been innocent."

"Tell me about it," Susan remarked, folding an arm across her middle.

The face on the screen was unchanged. "So what was he thinking? Was he coming on to her for months? Did he just wear her down? Did he ask if she was on the pill? Did he offer to use something himself?"

Touched by the spate of questions-loving him for loving her, dark side and all-she actually laughed. "Rick, I don't know. I wasn't there. And no, I didn't ask. If the horse is already out of the barn, what's the point?"

"So here's my next line of attack. Did she pick him for a reason? Like you picked me?"

She smiled. "I didn't pick you. You took me by storm. There was no forethought."

"No." His voice was soft, poignant. "There never is, is there?"

Lily's cell rang at nine that night. It wasn't the first message she'd received. Mary Kate and Jess had texted to rant about Abby, leaving Lily agitated. Half hoping Abby was calling so that she could rant herself, she tore open the phone. "Yes."

"Lily?" came a cautious male voice.

She knew it well. Its owner was a fixture in her life-never demanding, just there. Her heart raced. "Hi."

"Is it true?"

She didn't have to ask how he knew. Everyone at school must know. Part of her wanted to lie, to make it all go away, to take herself out of the glare. But it would only be worse when she started to show.

Lying back on the pillow, she stared at the front window and said, "It's true."

There was a pause. She imagined him looking puzzled, maybe scratching the top of his head. Finally, unsurely, he asked, "Is it mine?"

The question hit her the wrong way, like he was suggesting she slept with just anyone. "Why would it be you?" she snapped. "You aren't the only guy around."

"I know. But that night…"

"Once. We were together once. Nothing happens once. Do you know what the chances are of it happening once? Do you know how long some couples have to wait before they get pregnant?"

"You weren't with anyone else."

No unsureness there. Calming a little, she asked, "How do you know?"

"Because I know you. And there was blood."

"Women bleed every month," she said, crawling over the foot of the bed and closing the blind. Easier to fudge things when no one could see. "Really, Robbie. Don't let your imagination go wild."

"It's hard not to," he said, sounding upset. "I was way on the other side of the school when you got sick, but by the time I got out of English, kids were talking about it. They know we're good friends, so they asked me. I didn't know what to say."

"Just say you don't know. That's the truth, isn't it?"

He didn't reply at first. Then he said, "How are you feeling?"

Back on the bed again, Lily stared at the closed blind. She'd been just fine until he called. Remembering the scene at school, she felt sick again.

But everyone would be asking her this. She had to get used to it. "I'm really good. Happy. It's incredible, creating a life." She put a hand on her belly, jiggled it a little to wake the baby up and let her know she was being talked about.

"When are you due?"

"Late May. The timing's perfect," she rushed on. "I'll finish exams, have my baby, do the mom thing over the summer, and be ready to start college in the fall." Mary Kate and Jess were a little behind her and would have less time to recover before classes resumed.

"How can you do college? Who'll take care of the baby?"

"I'll put her in PC KidsCare."

"Her? You know the sex already?"

Lily laughed. "No. It's too soon. I'm just guessing it's a girl." Like she was guessing that Mary Kate and Jess would have girls, too. She wanted her daughter to be best friends with theirs, a third generation of best friends. "Right now, my baby has hands and feet. And ears. Doesn't that blow your mind?"

But he was still focusing on the future. "Isn't PC KidsCare only for PC employees?"

"I knit samples for PC Wool trunk shows, so technically, I am one. Besides, I have an in. Mrs. Perry will make it happen." If Lily ever spoke with Pam's daughter, Abby, again, which, at that moment, was questionable.

"I still think it's me," Robbie said.

"That's because you're sweet."

"Lily, I have a right to know if it's me."

"So you can drop out of school to support the baby? You're not going to do that, Robbie. Besides, I told you. It isn't you."

"Why do I not believe you?"

"Maybe," she tried, "because it's macho to think you've fathered a baby." Macho wasn't a word that she would have used to describe Robbie-but it wasn't totally wrong, she realized. He had grown in the last year and had to be six-two now. Granted, he was still the lightest guy on the wrestling squad, but what he lacked in muscle, he made up for in determination. He definitely knew the moves.

"Forget macho," he said. "It's pure math. If you're due at the end of May, you conceived at the end of August, and that's when we did it."

"I won't tell you again," she said quietly.

"Then whose is it?" he asked. When she said nothing, he pleaded, "Tell me something, Lily. If you think my questions are hard, just wait'll tomorrow. Whether or not I'm the father, I'm a friend. Let me help."

Lily's eyes filled with tears. The books said she would be emotional. And Robbie was a friend. And she was dreading going to school.

But if he helped, people would think he was the father, and she didn't want that. This was her doing alone.

Well, not exactly alone. Mary Kate, Jess, and Abby were in on it, too. But no one knew yet about Mary Kate and Jess, and Abby was sore because she was way behind.

What to tell Robbie? She needed time to think.

"If I told anyone," she finally said, "I'd tell you. Next to Mary Kate and Jess, you're my oldest friend." Since they were six. It was poetic.

No, she had no regrets about Robbie. Abby, yes. But not Robbie. He was loyal. If she did need help, he would be there.

That thought brought little comfort as she dressed for school the next morning. Mary Kate and Jess would help out if questions got bad, but she felt best when she thought of her mom. Susan had done it, and look at her. She was educated. She was successful. And she had Lily to show for it.

Standing at the mirror, dressed in slim-as-ever jeans, Lily touched the place where she guessed her baby to be and whispered, "You're mine, sweet thing. I'll take care of you. Let people talk. We don't care. We have something special, you and me. And we have my mom and my dad. They're gonna love you to bits. Trust me on that."

At school there were few questions, just stares.

Her mother wasn't so lucky.