Off Chance

20

I just came off an extra two-day shift I picked up at the Station and this early morning run I just finished is exactly what I need before I’m able to collapse into my bed and get caught up on some sleep. We were insanely busy and I’m lucky if I’ve had a total of eight hours of shuteye in the last two days.

Opening the door to the apartment, I quietly enter so I don’t wake Rowan up. All was silent half an hour ago when I opened the door to just drop my duffel bag in the foyer before heading out to run. I gently close the door and turn the locks.

“Is that you, Flynn?” I hear Rowan call out from the kitchen.

Walking in, I see her sitting at the kitchen table, nursing a cup of coffee. She looks up at me and smiles a greeting, but it doesn’t actually reach her eyes. “Guess I wasn’t as quiet as I thought I was.”

The smile slips and she says, “I heard the locks clicking.”

I cringe from that statement, a brutal reminder that Rowan still has issues that she is dealing with and thus keeps me firm in my resolve to move on.

But it’s fucking killing me.

The minute I walked into the kitchen and saw her, with the morning sunlight pouring down on top of her from the small, high window that sits above the fridge, I thought she looked like an angel.

A sad angel.

There is something different about Rowan and it clearly changed the night I went on my first date with Jennifer. She has become a little more withdrawn from me, and I can’t figure out if it’s because she’s angry or if she’s sad. Hell, it may be that our friendship has run its course and what was once new and exciting has now become an old hat for both of us.

I know one thing though... I do miss the camaraderie we had shared before, and while I still find myself pining for what may have been with Rowan, I am trying my damnedest to leave the thought of an intimate relationship with her behind.

I’m done being mad at her though.

And I was mad. I mean, really pissed after she spurned me that night. I was mad that she couldn’t see past her fears to something that could have been miraculously wonderful for both of us. I was furious that this brave, strong, independent woman didn’t have the chops to venture even further. Red was the color I saw when I looked at her because I was hurting so bad.

But then I decided I had to move past it. I had to move on, just like she told me. And while I hadn’t really been looking for a relationship before I met Rowan, I got to thinking that maybe it was time for me to find one. A woman that would want to venture forth with me rather than standing timidly in the shadows. A woman that I could look at... the way Nix looks at Emily and says, She’s my everything.

That’s what I wanted and if I couldn’t have it with Rowan, I’m sure I could have it with someone else.

I let one of my co-workers hook me up with his cousin, Jennifer. She’s two years older than me and an investment banker. She’s polished, educated, and outgoing, and I even emailed my mom the morning after that first date to tell her all about it because I knew she would be thrilled at the prospect.

So, there you have it. I’m officially dating. Jennifer has a slammin’ body from what I’ve been able to see through her tailored clothes and designer heels. I also know this because she told me... exhaustively... about her workout routines. It seems Jennifer is a bit of a health nut, and while I’m all for working out and taking care of the body, I’ll never be one of those “drink nothing but spinach and kale shakes” type of people.

Like Jennifer.

On our first date, I almost laughed because not only did she order just a side salad for her entire dinner, but she asked for it with no dressing.

That’s right... no fucking dressing.

She didn’t even ask for it to be brought on the side... she had cold, plain lettuce for her meal. It would have been the cheapest date ever but she did order an expensive sparkling water to go with it, which was fine by me. I didn’t want to have to hear her stomach grumbling through the movie.

Still... I’ve had a good time the few times we’ve been out. We’ve never been at a loss for things to talk about, and while she tends to show more interest in herself that she does anything else, it’s not a bad way to spend my free time.

The best thing though, is that we are taking it slow and so far there have been no expectations to move this to anything deeper than some casual dates at this point. And that’s fine by me because while I’m doing exactly what Rowan suggested I do, I’m not exactly throwing one-hundred percent of my effort into it.

It’s kind of hard to do when you’re still stuck on someone else.

Walking over to the refrigerator, I open it and pull out a bottle of water, twisting the cap and drinking it down. I watch Rowan as I chug, and she’s staring a bit vacantly at her cup. She looks sad and lonely... which makes me sad, and I have to wonder if it is because I haven’t been around a lot lately? I have been picking up some overtime and I’ve had a few dates with Jennifer, so we definitely don’t hang as much as we used to. There’s also been a bit of an emotional distance between us since “that night” but because she clearly believes the friendship is the most important thing we have, I’ve been all for continuing that like we always have. It’s just I haven’t had much time lately.

“So anything new in your life?” I ask her.

She shakes her head and takes another sip of coffee. “No, not unless you count the fact that your cousin was even more of an asshole this week, and Capone threw up on my bed the other night, but other than that… it’s been pretty status quo.” She shoots me an impish grin and relief shoots through me like a lightning bolt. There’s a bit of the Rowan that I was looking for.

“Yeah, Nix has his mood swings. Just ignore him.”

“Hell no, I’m not ignoring him. I give it back to him tenfold.” She now gives me a smile that lights up the room and my heart swells. It’s an involuntary reaction I have to her.

I chuckle at the thought, and I know Rowan can take care of herself. “How’s Capone? Is he sick?”

Standing up from the table, she walks to the sink and dumps the remainder of her coffee. As she rinses the cup, she says, “Nah. I think he just ate too fast or something.”

The brief moment of humor that Rowan showed me just seconds ago is now gone, and her face looks blank again. She turns to walk out of the kitchen without another word, and something just doesn’t feel right to me. I’m exhausted and I know I should hit the sack for some sleep because I have another date with Jennifer tonight, but I can’t let Rowan walk away from me knowing that she’s very sad about something.

“Hey, Rowan,” I call out, and she stops to face me. “Want to go do something today? Maybe hit a museum or go do some touristy stuff?”

“Really?” she asks and her eyes spark. “Aren’t you exhausted?”

“No way,” I assure her, although I feel like I could drop into a deep slumber right on the kitchen floor. “Besides, it’s been too long since we’ve hung out together.”

And it has been way too long. I step up to her and put an arm around her shoulder, giving her a quick squeeze. She actually leans into me and even after I release her, she doesn’t move back right away.

“Okay,” she says as she finally steps back and I’m overjoyed to see her eyes are sparkling with light now.

Just like that... Rowan is back, and I know for a fact that she has been missing me. I fight to keep the feeling of elation I’m feeling down, because surely that doesn’t mean that she wants me for more than a friendship, right? Surely, it can only mean that we’ve both been busy and haven’t spent any time together.

We are missing our friendship. That’s what it must mean.

Still... I wonder.

After some debating over what to do with our day, we decide to head over to Museum Mile and hit the Met. Rowan has never been before and I figure on this chilly November day that it’s warm and fairly quiet, and we can just hang out.

We take our time as we travel through the various galleries. Neither one of us are the type to seriously study a painting, but we do at least move past each one and give it more than a cursory glance. We could spend months in the Met if we wanted to study everything but I wanted to give her a taste of it all.

We make idle chitchat when we can, but for the most part, we are silently enjoying the art.

As we walk among some Spanish Renaissance pieces, Rowan stops before a painting and studies it a bit longer. I hold up and wait for her but she doesn’t move, so I walk the few steps back to stand beside her.

She’s gazing at El Greco’s View of Toledo. I’ve never seen it before, or if I have, I’ve forgotten it, but it’s quite beautiful with its dark storm clouds shadowing the lush, green hills, and the medieval city of Toledo, Spain in the distance. The more I look at it, the more I can see why Rowan is taken with it. It’s both peaceful and edgy, which is a good way to describe Rowan.

“It’s old,” she says quietly.

Peering at the placard beside it, I see it was painted over four hundred years ago. But so have many of the paintings we’ve seen so I don’t understand the significance of her statement.

“I can’t imagine what it takes to preserve something this... special.”

There’s something about the tone of her voice that is haunting and I turn my eyes to her. Her profile is so fucking beautiful. Her lashes are long and lay like whispers on her cheeks, and her nose has just the slightest tilt upward that gives her that pixie look.

“I imagine a lot of techniques have been learned over the years,” I muse, turning my gaze back to the painting.

“I imagine it takes a lot of hard work. I bet there’s painstaking focus on the details.”

I nod. “If it wasn’t hard, then it wouldn’t be so treasured.”

She turns her head and I meet her gaze. She looks at me thoughtfully for a moment before she says, “Exactly.”

Rowan turns and walks on to the next painting, and I’m not quite sure if we were just talking about art or something else.

We decide to eat a late lunch in the cafeteria at the Met, which has a surprising array of food. I choose a pastrami sandwich and Rowan tries their sushi, which I’m a bit dubious about eating from a cafeteria. She swears it’s good after she takes the first bite and offers me some, but I decline. I’m not about to get food poisoning.

Her mood does seem to be lighter though, and after I decline her offer of sushi, she demands I give her a bite of my sandwich. I laugh and willingly hand it over to her, watching as she takes a huge bite.

She only chews twice and then she closes her eyes in rapture and lets out a moan. She clearly thinks the sandwich is amazing but damn if the sound she makes doesn’t cause a surge of lust to drive through me. I thought I had made it past these feelings, but apparently not. I watch as she finishes the bite, giving a final swipe of her lips with her tongue, and I realize I am no further removed from my feelings for Rowan than I was right at the moment I first sunk my finger into her while she was pressed up against my door.

The image of that night flashes hot in my brain and I take a deep breath to move past it.

“Is something wrong?” Rowan asks.

I drag my gaze to hers and shake my head. “No. I’m good.”

I’m anything but.

I still fucking want a woman that doesn’t want me the same way. I decide a change of subject is order.

“So, what are your plans the rest of the weekend?” I ask her. I have four glorious days off and I have no clue what I’m going to do for all of it.

Rowan shrugs her shoulders. “No major plans, but I’m up for hanging out if you want to.”

“Sure,” I tell her, although I’m sure I’m setting myself up for some serious frustration. “And before I forget, we need to leave for my mom’s house around noon on Thursday. I think she wants to eat around 2:00 PM, if that’s okay with you?”

I hadn’t mentioned Thanksgiving to Rowan lately, and I assume she’s still on board with going, but since our friendship had been a little rocky the past few weeks, I’m greatly relieved to see her smiling.

“Sounds great. I’m going to make the pie early that morning but that’s plenty of time.”

“We won’t stay over there too late because I have to be back to work the following morning.”

“Not me. Nix gave me that Friday off.”

“I thought he was an asshole,” I tease.

She smirks. “He is, but he does have some nice moments.”

Rowan reaches across the table and sneaks one of my fries. “So you want to rent some movies tonight? Order a pizza?”

Swallowing a bite of my sandwich, I take a quick drink of my soda before replying. “Um... I actually have a date tonight.”

This is a bit awkward but no sense in hiding it.

Rowan glances down at her plate for a moment but when she looks back at me, there is a warm smile on her face. “So, when are you going to tell me all about your mad dating life? I mean... aren’t friends supposed to share that stuff?”

Her smile looks genuine but I think she may be putting on an act because her voice sounds a little shaky. Could it be that Rowan is having second thoughts? Because if she is... she needs to fucking tell me so we can get on with it.

“Hmmm... let’s see. Her name is Jennifer and she lives here in Brooklyn. She’s a few years older than I am and works in a bank. She’s like this really hardcore fitness nut though... I mean, really intense.”

Rowan snorts. “Don’t tell me she only drinks spinach shakes?”

I about spew the soda I’m taking a sip of because she’s pegged Jennifer. “Sort of. It’s actually a bit annoying when we go out to eat and she only nibbles on raw vegetables.”

“Oh, God... I was just joking. She really does that?”

I laugh and nod. “But she’s really nice and she’s gorgeous, and...” I search for other words to nicely describe Jennifer but nothing is coming to mind. “And she’s really successful... she’s a banker.” I throw that last part out because I don’t know what else to say and I feel slightly guilty for even telling Rowan something about Jennifer that annoys me.

Rowan’s smile slides off her face, and I have no clue what I’ve just said to make that happen, but she clues me in. “Wow... banker. You really landed yourself someone great.”

She’s trying to say it to give me a compliment on my new girlfriend, but she’s saying it as a backhanded slap to herself, because she isn’t an investment banker, which in turn doesn’t make her good enough.

I reach across the table to grab her hand and she instantly tries to pull it away. I hold on tight.

When she looks at me, there is moisture in her eyes and my fucking heart cracks. “I didn’t mean anything by that, Rowan. I was just struggling with what to say about her to you and that is the only thing that came to mind.”

Blinking her eyes rapidly, I watch as the tears dissipate and she gives me a smile. “It’s good. I know I’ll never be successful like that. I had my shot at that type of life and I fucked it up.”

“No,” I tell her harshly. “Don’t ever talk like that. You didn’t miss your shot.”

She’s quietly staring at me so I continue on. “And who’s to say what success is anyway? I look at you and your ability to take care of yourself in a very mean city, and you did it all on your own. How many people do you really think could do that without succumbing to things like crime or homelessness?”

Rowan blinks and then nods her head slightly. “You’re right. I hear you.”

“I’m serious about this, Rowan,” I tell her. “You are amazing.”

She smiles at me, and this time it has more light to it. “Thanks. You always know what to say to make me feel good about myself.

The thought that my words make Rowan smile causes happiness to bubble and well inside of me. It makes me realize that I used to feel this way a lot around her, but that I haven’t felt this way in a while.

I squeeze her hand and take a deep breath. “I feel like our friendship’s taken a bit of a hit lately.”

She sighs and squeezes back. The look on her face is one of deep affection and her smile is as warm as a desert breeze. “Yeah... I feel that way, too.”

“Let’s rectify that, okay?”

“Absolutely,” she says, her smile flashing with joy.