Off Chance

31

I wake up surprisingly refreshed after the emotional overload of last night. When Flynn had walked in that door, I had to restrain myself from jumping on him. He looked like my oasis in a hot desert and I was literally parched for him.

I had been doing a lot of thinking since he had been gone. I had done a lot of missing him as well, and maybe that’s why he left. To show me what I’d be missing.

I missed lying in bed with him at night and having him wrap his arms around with me. I missed his soft kisses and the way his eyes would heat up when he looked at me. I love the way he would swat my ass when I walked by and say, “Lookin’ good, baby”. I missed all those things so much and not one of those had a damn thing to do with friendship. They had to do with intimacy and I’ve apparently been an idiot to think those things were less important than the friendship aspect of our relationship.

I was prepared to tell Flynn all of those things and more, but he threw me for a loop when he walked back into my life and started talking about my parents.

There was a moment—just a split second—when he said he went to Texas that I despised him. Anger surged through me, white hot that he would dare to dredge up those painful memories. But it left just as quickly when I came to the complete and absolute realization that Flynn did it out of love for me. He did it as a way to let me confront my past.

I would like to say I was devastated over my father’s reaction, but I really couldn’t even muster up enough energy to care about him. The fact he lays broken and withering in a nursing home really doesn’t bother me at all. I wonder if that makes me a bad person, a numb person, or a realistic person.

When my mother walked through the door, I thought she was a ghost. I didn’t spare a glance at her new husband, but stared at the woman who birthed me and then threw me away. Anger surged again, and I wanted to claw her eyes out. But then, that faded quickly and hurt and confusion took its place.

I couldn’t believe the things she was saying. That she had failed me... that she was taking complete responsibility for everything that was done to me. She wouldn’t even let my father take the fall, because as a mother... she said it was her absolute duty to protect me.

It was only when she was getting ready to walk out that door that I let my heart make a split-second decision to let her back into my life. I certainly had no clue to what extent that would be, but I knew that for my own sanity and emotional well-being, I had to hear her out and I had to make peace with it.

She and Peter followed me into the kitchen and I waited for Flynn to come in. When he didn’t, I walked back out into the living room and he was gone. This made me sad, because I really wanted him by my side, but with everything I had done to him... with the way I had let him down, I deserved no less than to have him walk away.

My mom, Peter, and I talked until the early morning hours. I learned that my mother had an early love-hate relationship with my father. She loved him for the security and companionship he brought, but she hated the control that came with it. I believe her when she said that she sort of drank the Kool-Aid he offered to her, and she let her maternal instincts wither away to keep him happy.

I also believed her when she told me that her wake-up call came within hours of me leaving. She begged my father to call the police and go after me but he refused. She got in her car and drove the roads for hours, searching for me. Ironically, she even went to the bus station but I wasn’t there. I know I wasn’t there because I sat across the street in a diner until my bus was ready to leave.

My mom stayed with my father but the relationship deteriorated badly. They fought constantly and, within just a month of my leaving, she was residing permanently in another bedroom. They separated not long after that, although she didn’t make immediate moves for a divorce. She said it was almost too much work to have to fight him.

It was only after she met Peter that she had the strength to cut final ties and start her life over again.

Luckily for her, Peter is a Godsend. He stood by her quest to find me, shelling out tons of his own money to hire private investigators. He held her at night while she cried herself to sleep, and he even arranged for a memorial service for me when the last investigator said I was probably dead. I look forward to getting to know this man better as he seems to be a genuine soul… like Flynn.

My mother and I have a long way to go to fully repair our relationship. The last five years of my exile are hard for me to accept, but knowing that she wanted me, and that she knew she made a terrible mistake, makes it easier to accept. Before they left, I told her the words she needed to hear.

I told her I forgave her.

My mom and Peter are going to stay in New York for a few days and we’re going to get together for dinner tonight. I called Nix and asked him for tomorrow off so I could spend more time with them, and he didn’t even bitch at me once. He must still be having post-honeymoon bliss or something.

Rolling out of bed, I slip on some clothes to take Capone for a walk. Then I need to get in the shower and over to the Station.

There’s a firefighter I need to see about building a relationship with.

When I get to the firehouse, I tentatively walk inside the large bay doors that are open. Thankfully, I see Tim standing there talking to another firefighter. He glances up and sees me, offering a warm smile.

He walks up and says, “Hey Ro-Ro.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Ro-Ro? Since when am I Ro-Ro?”

He shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t know. You just all of a sudden seemed like a Ro-Ro. Looking for Flynn?”

I nod. “If he’s available.”

Chuckling, he starts to walk toward the back of the bay. “I have a feeling he’s always available to you.”

I don’t move and he glances over his shoulder. “Well, come on in... we don’t bite.”

Giving him a shy smile, I say, “I know... I’ll just wait here though. I want to talk to him in private.”

“Ah,” he says in understanding. “A little dirty talk, huh?”

Snorting, I say, “Yeah... that’s so not it.”

“Okay, hold tight and I’ll go get him.”

I walk up to the fire engine closest to me, admiring the gleaming silver and shiny red paint. Several sets of turnout gear line up near the wall with the helmets hanging on pegs above.

Over the past few months, Flynn has taken a lot of time to satisfy my curiosity about his career. I’m always fascinated when he comes home from his shift, anxious to hear about all the exciting things he’s done. Some of it scares me... the personal danger he is in, but I’m also extremely proud of what he does for a living.

And let’s face it... firefighters are hot!

I start chuckling to myself over that thought and start imagining Flynn in his turnout pants and suspenders, with nothing else on underneath. My face flushes warm and I wonder... if I can put us back on track… could I talk him in to that.

Oh yeah, knowing Flynn... he’s game.

“Hey,” he says softly from behind me.

He’s wearing his regular uniform of navy blue utility pants tucked into black boots. His navy FDNY t-shirt fits tightly across his chest and I can see the tattoos on his biceps peeking out. His hazel eyes watch me warily and his arms cross over his chest, maybe to protect his heart.

He doesn’t look welcoming but I didn’t expect much to be honest.

“How’s work going?” I ask.

Lame-ass!

“Good. Thanks.”

“Well... I wanted to stop by and thank you... for going to Texas... for bringing my mom back with you.”

Smiling, he shrugs his shoulders. “It was nothing. You would have done the same, I’m sure.”

“Yes,” I tell him simply. “I would have.”

Flynn glances down to his boots and when he looks back up, he takes a few steps forward. Casually leaning one arm on the truck, he asks, “So, how did it go last night?”

Taking a deep breath, I say, “It went good actually. We talked for hours. It was... healing to hear the things she had to say.”

“I’m sorry your dad couldn’t give that to you.”

“I’m not. I know he never had it in himself to give.”

Flynn nods in understanding. “I think you’re right. But remember this—he’s alone and has no one. That’s what you get when you don’t have love.”

I wince internally because damn if that isn’t a pointed jab at me, although I know Flynn probably didn’t mean it that way.

“I’m going out to dinner with mom and Peter tonight.”

“That’s good. I’m happy for you that things are working. And Peter, nice guy, right?”

“Yeah, it’s weird. I like have a stepfather now. And can you believe they have a Berner? I mean, what are the chances of that?”

Laughing, Flynn says, “I know. I about died when I saw their dog. Crazy.”

We both chuckle a little and then lapse into an awkward silence. This is killing me... this friendly banter. Which is completely ironic, since this is how we would normally interact when we were just friends.

But now it seems so empty and cold. It doesn’t fulfill me in the way I thought it would. It makes me realize that what I could have had with Flynn would have been so much better.

Flynn just stares at me, waiting for me to say something.

“Are you going to come back home at the end of this shift?” I blurt out with an underlying tone of begging, which... okay... I’m swallowing my pride here.

Flynn glances away with guilt in his eyes, and then looks back to me. His eyes are sad. “I think I’m going to stay at Tim’s for a little while longer. You know... give you some space. Figure things out.”

“Oh,” I say, my voice low and dejected. “Okay.”

I wait and he doesn’t say anything more. My heart is heavy but I put a smile on my face. “Well, I guess I’ll let you get back to work. I just wanted to drop by and thank you for what you did with my parents. You’re a good man, Flynn.”

His smile is warm but it doesn’t reach all the way to me. It’s polite, with some satisfaction that he completed a job well done. “Sure thing. I’ll catch you around.”

He turns away from me and the minute he can’t see my face, it falls, the smile disappearing into a world of hurt that’s going on in my heart right now. I turn around, walking dejectedly from the station.

The man I love is slipping away, sliding through my grasp, and I tried my damnedest not to let it happen.

Except... I didn’t lay everything out on the table.

Spinning around, I see Flynn just about to walk through a door in the back.

“Flynn!” I yell out to him.

He turns but doesn’t make a move toward me. The door he was about to go through opens, and a few fireman come through, walking over to the truck we had been standing near. I watch for a moment as they open up a few compartments to place items inside.

He looks at me with question. He doesn’t come any closer and he’s not going to make this easy on me.

I take a deep breath and decide to jump in with both feet. “Do you still love me?”

The two firefighters standing there look up at me in surprise. They then glance over to Flynn and I follow their gaze. He starts walking toward me, and I’m mesmerized by a lazy smile that slides into place.

“You know I do,” he says, having to talk loud so I can hear him.

The two firefighters now turn completely away from the truck, and lean back against it, absolutely content to forgo their duties and watch this drama play out.

Swallowing hard, and letting my nervousness go, I start walking to meet him halfway. When I stop just before him, he looks down at me with his beautiful eyes, and I say, “Good. Because it seems I may have been remiss in telling you the same thing.”

Flynn’s eyes flash hot and I see joy filter in. His dimple pops out before the smile even fully takes over his face.

“You love me?” he asks in wonder.

“I do. You’re my hero, Flynn Caldwell. Not because you pulled me out of a fire, but because you pushed me into love. It’s for that reason I love you.”

His hand reaches out and tucks a stray lock behind my ear. He then cups the back of my head, just staring at me. “And when did you come to this realization?”

“Oh, only about two hours after you walked out of my life. The pain was unbearable. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I let you down.”

“You never let me down, Rowan. You just took a while to learn not to fear love.”

“I don’t fear it now,” I tell him boldly.

He gazes at me... a long, deep look of devotion. “I love you, Rowan. Always.”

“Kiss her,” one of the firefighters yells out to us.

We both look over at him and start laughing. When we turn back to each other, the humor dies out and something hot replaces it. Flynn pulls me to him, framing my face with both hands. I love how he holds me this way and I close my eyes as his lips touch mine.

It’s soft at first, a gentle touch to remind me of all the care in the world he has for me. But then he deepens it and my arms wrap around his neck, melding my body to his. I can hear his co-workers yelling catcalls, but then it all dissolves into silence so I only hear the beating of our hearts.

We kiss and kiss and kiss, not wanting to let each other go.

Even when the speakers jolt to life, emitting several loud tones and then a buzzer, we continue to kiss. We ignore the pager that goes off on his hip, and he kisses me deeper.

I’m vaguely aware of the back door opening and more firefighters running through. I can hear them talking, putting on their turnout gear, but I ignore it all. I only think about kissing the man I love with my entire being.

“Goddamn it, Caldwell. Get your ass in gear!”

I jump back from Flynn and look over to see an angry man with snowy white hair glaring at him.

“Sure thing, Chief,” he says with a cocky grin but never taking his eyes off me.

Leaning down, Flynn gives me one more quick kiss and then starts trotting backward from me toward his turnout gear.

“Just wait ‘til I get off shift. I’m going to rock your world, baby.”

I blow a kiss to him. “You bet your sweet ass, you are.”

Turning away, I practically skip out of the fire station and start walking toward our apartment. Not thirty seconds later, two fire trucks go whizzing by me, sirens blaring. The engine honks its horn as it goes by me and I give a friendly wave toward my man as he heads off to work.