Oh-So-Sensible Secretary

CHAPTER NINE

BUT I lost.

The first night was really uncomfortable, yes, but in the days that followed I was so tired that my sleeping mat might as well have been a feather bed, I slept so soundly.

We spent the next ten days helping the villagers to finish the medical centre they had started a couple of years earlier but had had to abandon when they ran out of money to buy the materials. Somehow Phin had organised delivery of everything that was needed, and I didn’t need to be there long to realise what an achievement that was.

It was an eye-opening time for me in more ways than one. For most of the time it was hard, physical labour. It was hot and incredibly humid, and the closest I got to a shower was a dip in the river, but I liked seeing the building take shape. Every day we could stand back and see the results of our labours, and we forgot that our hands were dirty, our nails broken, our hair tangled.

When I think back to that time what I remember most is the laughter. Children laughing, women laughing, everyone laughing together. I’d never met a community that found so much humour in their everyday lives. The people of Aduaba humbled me with their openness, their friendliness and their hospitality, and I cringed when I remembered how dismissive I had been of their huts when I first arrived. When I was invited inside, I found that the mud floors were swept and everything was scrupulously clean and neat.

‘Why can’t you keep your house like this?’ I asked Phin.

The women particularly were hard-working and funny. A few of them had some words of English or French, and I learnt some words of their language. We managed to communicate well enough. I kept my hair tied back, as that was only practical, but I forgot about mascara and lipstick, and it wasn’t long before I started to feel the tension that was so familiar to me I barely noticed it most of the time slowly unravelling.

I learnt to appreciate the smell of the rainforest, the way the darkness dropped like a blanket, the beauty of the early-morning mist on the river. I began to listen for the sounds which had seemed so alien at first: the screech of a monkey, the rasp of insects in the dark, the creak and rustle of vegetation, the crash of tropical rain on the tarpaulin and the slow, steady drip of the leaves afterwards.

But most of all my eyes were opened to Phin. It was a long time since I had been able to think of him as no more than a bland celebrity, but I hadn’t realised how much more there was to him. He was in his element in Aduaba. He belonged there in a way he never would in the confines of the office.

Wherever there was laughter, I would find him. He spoke much more of the language, and had an extraordinary ability to defuse tension and get everyone working together, sorting out administrative muddles with endless patience. I suppose I hadn’t realised how competent he was.

I remember watching him out of the corner of my eye as he hammered in a roof joist. His expression was focused, but when one of the other men on the roof shouted what sounded like a curse he glanced up and shouted something back that made them all laugh. I saw the familiar smile light up his face and felt something that wasn’t familiar at all twist and unlock inside me.

At night I was desperately aware of him breathing nearby, and knew that he was the reason I wasn’t afraid. He was the reason I was here at all.

He was the reason I was changing.

And I was changing. I could feel it. I felt like a butterfly struggling out of its chrysalis, hardly able to believe what was happening to me.

That I was enjoying it.

It wasn’t all work. I played on the beach with the children, and helped the women cook. One of the men took us into the forest and showed us a bird spider on its web. I kid you not, that spider was as big as my hand. None of us thought of wandering off on our own after that.

Once Jonathan and I took a little boat with an outboard motor and puttered down the river. I felt quite comfortable with him by then. My mind was full of Aduaba and our life there, and I’d almost forgotten the desperate yearning I had once felt for him.

We drifted in companionable silence for a while. ‘It’s funny to think we’ll be going home soon,’ said Jonathan at last. ‘I’ll admit I was dreading this trip, but it’s been one of the best things I’ve ever done.’

‘I feel that, too.’

‘It’s made me realise that I never really knew you before, when we…you know…’ He petered off awkwardly.

‘I know,’ I said, trailing my fingers in the water. ‘But I think I’ve changed since I’ve been here. I wasn’t like this before, or if I was I didn’t know it. I thought I was going to hate it but I don’t.’ I remembered my bet with Phin and shivered a little.

‘I know you and Phin are good together,’ Jonathan blurted suddenly, ‘but I just want you to know that I think you’re wonderful, Summer, and if you ever change your mind about Phin I’d like another chance.’

I stilled for a moment. How many times had I dreamt of Jonathan saying those words? Now that he had, I didn’t know what to say.

I pulled my hand out of the water. ‘What about Lori?’ I asked. It wasn’t that long since he’d been mad about her.

‘Lori’s back with her ex. It was quite intense for a while, but I think I always knew she was on the rebound, and now that she’s back with him I realise how close I came to making a big mistake.’

So I couldn’t use Lori as an excuse to say no, I thought, and then caught myself up. Excuse? What do you need an excuse for, Summer?

‘I know I didn’t appreciate you when I had you, but I can see now that you were so much better for me than Lori,’ Jonathan was saying. ‘We’ve got so much more in common.’

‘Yes, I suppose we have,’ I said slowly.

He leant forward eagerly. ‘We’ve got the same outlook, the same values.’

It was true. That was exactly what I had loved about him, but why did he have to wait until now to realise it? Frankly, his timing sucked.

‘Jonathan, I-’

‘It’s OK,’ he interrupted me. ‘You don’t need to say anything. I know how things are with you and Phin right now. I just wanted to tell you how I felt-to let you know that I’m always here for you.’

Why did he have to be so nice? I thought crossly as we made our way back. It would have been so much easier for me if he had turned out to be lazy, or a whinger, or even if he just hadn’t liked Cameroon very much. Then I could have decided that I didn’t love him after all. But in lots of ways I had never liked Jonathan as much as I did then.

Jonathan knew Phin’s reputation as well as I did. He wouldn’t have said anything if he hadn’t thought there was a good chance that my supposed relationship with Phin would end sooner or later.

As it would.

Everything was working out just as Phin had said. It was just a pity I didn’t know what I really wanted any more.

There was a party on our last night in Aduaba. We drank palm wine in the hot, tropical night and listened to the sounds of the forest for the last time. Then the music started. There’s an irresistible rhythm to African music. I could feel it beating in my blood, and when the women pulled me to my feet I danced with them.

I must have looked ridiculous, stamping my feet and waggling my puny bottom, but I didn’t care. The only time I faltered was when I caught Phin watching me, with such a blaze of expression in his eyes that I stumbled momentarily. But when I looked again he was laughing and allowing himself to be drawn into the dance and I decided I must have imagined it.

I ran my fingers over my keyboard as if I had never seen one before. It felt very strange to be back in the office. My head was still full of Africa, and I had found the tube stifling and oppressive on my way into work that morning.

Unsettled, I switched on my computer, and sat down to scroll through the hundreds of e-mails that had accumulated while we’d been away. It was hard to focus, though, and my mind kept drifting back to Aduaba and Phin.

Phin stripped to the waist like the other men, his muscles bulging with effort as they lifted the heavy timbers into place.

Phin laughing with the children in the river.

Phin looking utterly at ease in the heat and the humidity and the wildness.

He strolled in some time after ten, and all the air evaporated from my lungs at the sight of him. I was annoyed to see that he seemed just the same as always, while I felt completely different.

I looked at him over the top of my glasses. ‘I see you didn’t invest in that alarm clock,’ I said crisply, to cover the fact that my heart was cantering around my chest in an alarmingly uncontrolled way.

‘No, but then I don’t need to turn up on time every day, do I?’ said Phin, not at all put out by the sharpness of my greeting. ‘I’m not the one who lost the bet.’

The mention of the bet silenced me, and I bit my lip. Nothing more had been said about it, and I’d convinced myself that Phin hadn’t really been serious. It had just been joke…hadn’t it?

Much to my relief, Phin didn’t say any more, but went into his office and threw himself into his chair. ‘So, what’s been happening?’ he asked. ‘Is there anything that needs to be dealt with right away?’

Grateful to him for behaving normally, I took in my notebook and ran through the most urgent issues. ‘Shall I make some coffee?’ I said, when I had finished scribbling notes.

‘Not just yet,’ said Phin. ‘There’s the small matter of the bet we made.’ He smiled at me as I stared at him in consternation. ‘I think you owe me.’

It was typical of him to let me relax and then catch me off guard. I should have known he’d do something like that.

I swallowed. ‘Now?’

‘I always think it’s best to pay debts straight away, don’t you? Do you remember the terms?’

Drawing a breath, I took off my glasses. ‘I think so,’ I said.

Now that it had come to it, I felt a flicker of excitement. I met Phin’s eyes and wondered if he was waiting for me to renegotiate, and I knew suddenly that I didn’t want to do that.

‘You were right,’ I said clearly. ‘I loved it.’

Calmly, I got to my feet and went round the desk to where Phin sat in a high-backed executive chair. He was silent, watching me as I leant back against the desk and very deliberately pulled the clip from my hair, so that I could shake it loose and let it tumble around my face.

How embarrassing, my sensible side was saying. How unbelievably inappropriate. How tacky.

It was bad enough making a bet like that with your boss, without playing up to his patriarchal male fantasies. How had I got myself into a situation where I was feeling a bit naughty, a bit dirty, a bit sexy in the office?

How could I possibly be turned on by it?

But I was. I can hardly bear to remember it without cringing, but at the time…oh, yes, I certainly was.

I smiled slowly at Phin. ‘How am I doing so far?’

‘Perfect,’ he said, but his voice was strained and I felt a spurt of triumph, even power that I could have that effect on him just by letting down my hair.

Levering myself away from the desk, I moved closer to him. One by one I undid the buttons of my jacket, even though I was having one of those out-of-body experiences again and screaming at myself, What are you doing? Stop it right now!

Phin said nothing, but his eyes were very dark as he watched me, and I could see him struggling to keep his breathing even. When my jacket was open to reveal the cream silk camisole I wore underneath, I leant down and pressed my mouth to the pulse that was beating frantically in his throat.

I heard Phin suck in his breath, and I smiled against his skin, slipping my arms around his neck and easing myself onto his lap so that I could kiss my way slowly, slowly, along his jaw to the edge of his mouth.

‘Am I doing it right?’ I whispered.

‘God, yes,’ he said raggedly, and his arms came up to fasten around me as I kissed him at last.

His lips parted beneath mine, drawing me in, and the chair spun round as his hand slid possessively under my skirt. It might have been tacky, it might have been deeply, deeply inappropriate, but it felt so good I didn’t care.

I have a hazy memory that I thought I should be in control, but if I ever was I soon lost it. It wasn’t as if Phin was in control either. That kiss was stronger than both of us. It ripped through our meagre defences, rampaging like wildfire in the blood, sucking us up like a twister to a place far from the office where there were only lips and tongues, only hands moving greedily, insistently, only the pounding of our hearts and the throb of our bodies and the sweet, dangerous intoxication of a kiss that went on and on and on.

Sadly, the office hadn’t forgotten us. The sound of a throat being loudly cleared gradually penetrated. We paused, our mouths still pressed together, our tongues still entwined, and then our eyes opened at exactly the same time.

The throat was cleared again. As if at a trigger, we jerked apart, and I would have leapt off Phin’s knee if he hadn’t held me tightly in place as he swung his chair back to face the door.

Lex Gibson was standing there, looking bored.

‘I did knock,’ he said. ‘Three times.’

I struggled to get up, but Phin held me tight. ‘We’re a bit busy here, Lex.’

‘So I saw. Good to see that work ethic kicking in at last,’ said Lex, who had his own line in sardonic humour when it suited him.

‘Did you want something?’ Phin countered. ‘Or are you just here to ruin a perfect morning?’

‘I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t important,’ said Lex dryly.

That hardly needed saying. Lex rarely left his office. Staff were summoned to see him, and could often be seen quailing in Monique’s office while they waited their turn. It was unheard of for him to seek someone out himself.

Phin sighed as he released me. ‘It had better be,’ he said.

My cheeks were burning as I scrambled to my feet, desperately trying to smooth back my hair and rebutton my jacket as I went.

‘Um…can I get you some coffee?’ I asked Lex. I was mortified at having been caught in such a compromising position but, with that kiss still thrumming through me, probably not nearly as mortified as I should have been. ‘Then I can leave you two together.’

‘Actually, this concerns you,’ he said.

Oh, God, he was going to sack me for unprofessional behaviour!

‘Shall we sit down?’ said Lex, gesturing at the sofas.

Biting my lip, I sat obediently, and Phin came to join me. We glanced at each other like naughty children, then looked at Lex.

‘I believe Monique has already told you that she’s expecting a baby?’ he began, with a hint of disapproval.

I was so relieved that I wasn’t getting fired that I started to smile-before it occurred to me that something might be wrong.

‘Yes, she did. Is everything OK?’ I asked in concern.

‘No. At least, Monique is all right,’ he amended. ‘But she’s been ordered to rest until the baby is born. Something to do with high blood pressure.’

I could tell Lex wasn’t up on pregnancy talk. Not that I was much better.

‘Oh, dear. Poor Monique. She’ll have to be so careful.’

‘It’s very inconvenient,’ said Lex austerely. ‘It was bad enough that I was going to lose her in August, but she went home on Friday and now she’s not coming in again until after her maternity leave.’

‘So why are you here, Lex?’ asked Phin with a hint of impatience. ‘Or can we guess?’

‘I would imagine you could, yes. Obviously I need a PA immediately-and preferably one who’s familiar with my office.’

‘Summer, in fact.’ Phin’s voice was flat.

Lex looked at me. ‘Monique told me she’d mentioned the possibility of you replacing her during her maternity leave already. I’d like you to come and work for me now, even if it’s only to help me through this immediate period.’

I was finding it difficult to concentrate. I’d been jerked so rudely out of that kiss, and every cell in my body was still screaming with frustration.

‘Well…er…what about Phin? I mean…working for Phin,’ I stumbled, realising that my concern for Phin might be misinterpreted in view of what Lex had just seen us doing.

‘I’m here as a courtesy,’ said Lex, looking at his brother. ‘I appreciate that you’ve established a good working relationship with Summer-a little too good, some might say-but your office doesn’t generate nearly the same amount of work as yet. It seems to me that you could quite easily manage with another secretary, or share assistance with one of the other directors.’

Phin’s jaw tightened. ‘I’m not going to get into a discussion about how much work I do or don’t do here, Lex,’ he said grittily. ‘This is about Summer and where she wants to work. I’m sure she’s happy to help you over this crisis period…’ He looked at me for confirmation and I nodded.

‘Of course.’

‘But after that it’s up to her.’

‘That seems fair enough,’ said Lex, getting to his feet. ‘I’m grateful,’ he said to me, and I got up, too.

‘Er…would you like me to come now?’

‘If you would.’

That was Lex-straight back to work. It clearly didn’t occur to him that I might want to talk to Phin on my own.

I glanced at Phin, who was watching me with an unreadable expression. ‘I’ll…er…I’ll speak to you later,’ I said awkwardly.

‘Sure. Don’t let him work you too hard.’

So there I was, walking down the corridor with Lex to the best career opportunity of my life, and all I could think was that only minutes ago I had been in the middle of the best kiss of my life.

Lex behaved as if nothing whatsoever had happened, and I was grateful. I couldn’t believe now that I had actually stood there in front of Phin, unbuttoning my jacket, that I had kissed him like that. But at the same time I couldn’t believe that I had stopped.

I was torn: my body raging with the aftermath of that kiss, but my mind slowly beginning to clear. Where would it have ended if Lex hadn’t interrupted us? Would we really have made love in the office with the door open? I went hot and cold at the thought. I could have jeopardised my whole career. It had been bad enough Lex finding us like that, without the whole office stopping by to gawp at Summer Curtis out of control with her boss.

Everything was getting out of hand, and I didn’t like it.

It was a strange, disorientating day. I slipped back into place in Lex’s office as if I had never been away. Monique was fantastically efficient, which helped. It meant I could pick up where she had left.

Lotty, the junior secretary who had replaced me, was hugely relieved when I appeared. ‘I was terrified I was going to have to take over myself,’ she confided. ‘I like my job, but Lex Gibson reduces me to a gibbering wreck.’

I knew what that felt like. Phin could do the same to me, but for very different reasons.

Somehow I managed to keep up a calm, capable front all day, and I don’t think anyone guessed that behind my cool façade I was reliving that kiss again and again.

The more I thought about it, the more glad I was that Lex had interrupted us when he had. I mean, that wasn’t me, sliding seductively onto my boss’s lap. I was cool, I was competent, I was sensible.

Although it would have been hard to guess that from the way I’d been carrying on recently. It wasn’t sensible to get involved with your boss, to pretend a relationship you didn’t have, to make stupid bets with him, to kiss him. What had I been thinking? I had put my career-everything I believed in, everything I’d always wanted-at risk. I’d done exactly what I had sworn I would never to do and got carried away by the moment.

How my mother would cheer if she knew.

At six o’clock I made my way back down to Phin’s office. My desk looked empty and forlorn already. I knocked on his door.

Phin was on one of the sofas, reading a report. He dropped it onto the table when he saw me in the doorway and got to his feet, the first blaze of expression in his eyes quickly shielded. ‘Hi.’

‘Hi.’

There was an awkward pause.

‘So how’s it going?’ he asked after a moment.

‘Fine.’

Had we really kissed earlier? Suddenly we were talking to each other like strangers. I couldn’t bear it.

Another silence. I stepped into the room and closed the door behind me.

Phin watched me warily. ‘Somehow I get the feeling you’re not about to pick up where we left off,’ he said.

‘No,’ I agreed. ‘I paid my debt.’

But my heart twisted as I said it. It had been so much more than a jokey kiss to close a bet, and we both knew it.

I went to sit on the other sofa. ‘I’ve decided to take the job with Lex while Monique is away.’

‘I thought you would,’ said Phin, sitting opposite me.

‘It’s a fantastic career opportunity for me,’ I ploughed on. ‘And when I thought about it I could see that it would make it much easier for both of us. It would be awkward to carry on working together now.’

‘Now?’

‘I think it’s time to call an end to our pretence,’ I said. ‘It’s served its purpose.’

Phin sat back and regarded me steadily. ‘Has Jonathan come through?’

‘We had a talk in Aduaba,’ I admitted. ‘He said he wanted to try again.’

‘And what did you say?’

‘I said I’d think about it.’

‘I see.’

I bit my lip. ‘The Glitz article has come out. Even Jewel’s given up on you.’ I tried to joke. ‘There’s nothing in it for you any more. We should pretend that it’s over now.’

‘Is that what you want?’

‘To be honest, Phin, I don’t know what I want at the moment,’ I said with a sigh. ‘It’s all been…’

I tried to think of a way to describe how it had felt, but couldn’t do it. ‘I’m confused,’ I said instead. ‘You, Jonathan, Africa, this new job…I don’t know what I feel about any of it. I don’t know what I’m doing any more.’

‘You seemed to know exactly what you were doing earlier this morning,’ said Phin.

I could feel the colour creeping up my throat. ‘I got…carried away,’ I said with difficulty. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t apologise for it,’ he said almost angrily. ‘Getting carried away isn’t always a bad thing, Summer.’

‘It is for me.’ Restlessly, I got to my feet. Hugging my arms together, I went over to the window and looked down at the commuters streaming towards Charing Cross.

‘My mother’s spent her whole life being carried away by one thing or another,’ I told him. ‘I was dragged along in her wake, and all I ever wanted was something to hold onto, somewhere I could stay, somewhere I could call home. That’s why my job has always been so important to me. I know it’s not a high-flying career, but I like it, and I do it well.’

I turned back to Phin, trying to make him understand. ‘This morning…that was so unprofessional. When I saw Lex, I thought he was going to sack me. I wouldn’t have blamed him, either.’

‘He wouldn’t have sacked you. I wouldn’t have let him.’ There was an edge of irritation in Phin’s voice as he got up to join me at the window. ‘It was only a kiss, Summer, not embezzlement or industrial espionage. You should keep it in perspective. It wasn’t that big a deal.’

‘For you, perhaps,’ I said tautly. ‘You don’t care about this job. You don’t really want to be here. I know you’d rather be off travelling, challenging yourself…there are so many things you want to do. It’s different for me. My job is all I’ve got.’

There was a long silence. We stood side by side, looking out of the window.

‘Perhaps it’s just as well Lex interrupted us when he did,’ said Phin at last.

‘I’ll find you a replacement PA as soon as I can.’

‘There’s no hurry,’ he said, turning away, restless again. ‘I was thinking of taking off for a while. One of the crew on the Collocom ocean race has been hospitalised in Rio, and they’ve asked me if I could fill in on the next leg to Boston. I just heard today. I said I’d ring tonight and let them know.’

Why was I even surprised? Had I really thought he would persuade me to change my mind? Phin would never be happy to stay in one place for long.

‘What about things here?’

‘There’s nothing urgent. The projects we’ve set up will keep ticking over, and if not maybe you could keep an eye on them. Otherwise I was just due to do PR stuff, and I might as well do that on a yacht. Gibson & Grieve is one of the race’s sponsors, so Lex can’t complain-especially not when he’s taken my PA away from me!’

It would always have been like this, I realised. Me clinging to the safety of my routine, Phin always in search of distraction. It could never have worked. We were too different. Better to decide that now. Phin was right. It was just as well Lex had come in when he had.

‘So…what will we say about our relationship if anyone asks?’

‘You could tell everyone you got fed up with me never being around,’ he suggested. ‘That would ring true. Everyone knows I’m not big on commitment.’

They did. So why had I let myself forget?

‘Or you could say that I wasn’t exciting enough for you,’ I offered. ‘Everyone would believe that.’

‘Not if they’d seen you take down your hair this morning,’ said Phin with a painful smile.

There seemed nothing more to say. We stood shoulder to shoulder at the window, not looking at each other, both facing the fact that it was all for the best. I wondered if Phin was feeling as bleak as I was.

‘Well,’ I said at last, ‘it looks as if it’s all change for both of us.’

‘Yes,’ said Phin. He turned to look at me, and for once there was no laughter in the blue eyes. ‘Thank you for everything you’ve done, Summer. I hope Lex knows how lucky he is.’

‘Thank you for all the doughnuts,’ I said unevenly.

‘They won’t be the same without you.’

I wanted to tell him that I would think of him every time I had coffee. I wanted to tell him that I would miss him. I wanted to thank him for taking me to Africa, for making me feel, for refusing to let me give up on my dreams. But when I opened my mouth my throat was too tight to speak, and I knew that even if I could I would cry.

‘I must go,’ was all I muttered, backing away. ‘I’ll see you before you go, I expect.’

I don’t know whether it made it easier or not, but I didn’t see him. He sent me an e-mail saying that he had got a flight the next day and that he’d be out of contact for a while.

‘I know you’re more than capable of making any decisions in my absence,’ he finished. ‘Enjoy your promotion-you deserve it.’

I tried to enjoy it. Honestly I did. I told myself endlessly that it was all for the best. I had the job I’d always wanted and a salary to match. I would be able to save in a way I never had before. If I was careful, I could think about putting down a deposit on a studio at the end of the year. What more did I want?

Whenever I asked myself that, Phin’s image would appear in my mind. I could picture him in such detail it hurt. That lazy, lopsided grin. The blue, blue eyes. The warmth and humour and wonderful solidity of him. The longing to see him would clutch at my throat, making it hard to breathe, and I wanted to run down the stairs, back to his office, to throw myself onto his lap and spin and spin and spin on his chair as we kissed.

But his chair was empty. Phin wasn’t there. He was out on the ocean, in the ozone, the wind in his hair and his eyes full of sunlight. He was where he wanted to be.

And I was where I wanted to be, I reminded myself, coming full circle again. I threw myself into work, and mostly people left me alone. There hadn’t been any need for an announcement. With Phin gone, and me concentrating fiercely at work, I think most people assumed that we’d split up. They eyed me sympathetically and murmured that they were very sorry. I was just glad not to have to talk about it.

It was very different working for Lex. There were no coffee breaks, no doughnuts. Lex never sat on my desk or held my stapler like a microphone or pretended to make it bite me. It would never occur to Lex to call me anything but my name, and he wasn’t interested in my life outside the office.

Not that I had much of one. Anne worried about me. ‘You went to all that trouble to get Jonathan back,’ she pointed out. ‘I don’t understand why you won’t go out with him now. It’s not like he isn’t trying. He’s always asking you out, and this time he sounds serious. Look at all those hints he’s dropped about getting married.’

‘I don’t want to marry Jonathan,’ I said. ‘It wouldn’t be fair.’

‘Because you’re in love with Phin?’

I didn’t even try to deny it, but there was no point in thinking about Phin. I had to be realistic.

‘I do like Jonathan-I actually like him more now than I did when I was in love with him-but if I married him it would just be because he’s got a steady job and is ready to settle down. That’s not a good enough reason. I know that now. I’ve got my own steady job,’ I told Anne. ‘I don’t want a relationship for the sake of it. I’ve realised that I don’t need to rely on anybody else to make me feel safe. If security is what I want, I have to make it for myself. I’m earning a decent salary now, and I can think about putting down a deposit soon. I’m going to buy my own place, and then I’ll be safe.’

Anne made a face. ‘I know security’s important to you, Summer, but don’t you want more than that?’

I pushed Phin’s image firmly away. ‘Feeling safe will be enough,’ I said.