On the Fence

Chapter 30

I stared at my phone. I knew I should call Braden. The way he’d looked when I left haunted me. He looked tormented. I wished I didn’t care so much. No. I wished he cared more. No. That was wrong too. It was obvious he cared. I wished he cared differently.

I pushed my fists to my eyes and willed the sting to go away. How did I not know that I loved Braden? I mean, I knew I was reacting to him differently. But I hadn’t realized just how deep the feelings went. How long had I loved him? That’s why it hurt so badly out at the fence when he told me he didn’t like me—because I’d wanted him to. Badly. I had just thought I was humiliated, but I was disappointed. If my mom were still alive, would I call her about something like this? Would we have been close? I heard people say all the time that they hated their moms. I wondered if I would’ve taken her for granted if I’d had her all this time. I certainly couldn’t call my dad. He’d have no idea what to say. He’d probably tell me not to ruin my friendship with Braden by talking about it. He’d be right. This was an impossible situation. I needed Braden in my life. I couldn’t lose him by telling him I loved him.

My phone chimed and my heart jumped. I looked at the message. It was from Gage. I tried not to be too disappointed as I read it.

If you meet a guy named Fredrick, tell him he still owes me two dollars. Miss you.

I texted back: You want me to tell Fredrick he owes you two dollars and that you miss him?

Ha ha.

I smiled. Miss you too. I stared at my phone, waited for him to say more. He didn’t. It was maddeningly silent for two minutes. Finally, I typed: Have you been hanging out with Braden?

Yeah.

And?

And what?

My brother was so dense sometimes. I just wanted to know if Braden was okay. But now that I’d admitted to myself that I was in love with him, it felt like everyone would see that. Maybe everyone had seen it. Did everyone but me know I was in love with Braden?

I sighed. And nothing. I just wondered if you guys were dying without me.

Of course we are.

Probably not dying like I was. Man, I needed to run twice as far tomorrow. Night, Gage.

Night, Charles Barkley.

I hadn’t worn makeup in eight days. It felt nice. I didn’t have to scrub my eyes every night with face wash. It also felt good to be competitive again. Before coming to camp, I hadn’t played a pickup game with my brothers in over a week. I missed it.

Susie held up a sock. “Is this yours?”

“Oh. Yes.”

She threw it to me and I shoved it in my duffel bag, getting everything ready to leave first thing in the morning.

“You’ll have to Facebook me so you can tell me all about how your boy issues turned out.”

I laughed. “Yeah, I’m curious to see myself.” I liked Susie. If she lived closer to me, we would be better friends. I knew I was missing that kind of friendship in my life. Maybe I could have it with Amber one day. . . . I just had to be more honest with her. I needed to be honest with Linda, too. She brought something into my life that I’d never had before. She could read my emotions like the men around me never could. I needed someone to understand me. To help me understand myself. But first I had to come clean. The huge lie I’d told her made it hard to get too close.

But the one truth that stood above the other ones I’d take away from camp was that I was in love with Braden Lewis. I loved him so much it hurt. It hurt because I knew he couldn’t love me back the way I needed him to. And I was going to have to learn to live with that, because I couldn’t lose him. I would have to be happy with whatever part of Braden I could have.

There was a pounding on the window and Susie looked over at me. I shrugged and cranked it open.

“Charlie. It’s the last night. You said it was prank night,” came a whisper from the beach below.

Susie groaned. “We’re too tired.”

“Don’t be babies,” someone else called.

My competitive nature flared up. “We’ll be out in a minute.” I shut the window.

“For real?” Susie asked me, rolling onto her side.

I smiled a wicked smile. “It’s tradition.”

“Fine. What are we doing this year?”

“Filling Fredrick’s dorm room with basketballs. He owes my brother two dollars. I think this will be better than collecting money.”

She laughed. “Well, why didn’t you say that to begin with?”

“I just thought of it.”

“How do we get the keys to the gym?”

“We’ll figure it out.”