Rome

CHAPTER 4

Rome

Rule looked pissed when I finally pulled myself away from Cora and made my way outside. I wasn’t looking forward to this little chat and flirting with the blonde was a great distraction. While she had been occupied with something on the computer I slipped in the front door and watched her unnoticed for a few minutes. She wasn’t my type. I didn’t normally go for girls that were so tiny. I liked them built sturdy and able to handle everything I had to give them. I wasn’t a huge fan of all the ink and metal. I was used to it because my brother was covered in it and I had to admit that I liked the snowflakes that Shaw had across her neck and shoulders, but it wasn’t my thing. I had enough permanent marks forever etched in my skin that I had never asked for and I couldn’t imagine voluntarily adding any more. In fact I wasn’t thrilled about the new addition on my head, considering that since I wore my hair so short, the bald spot from the scar was bound to show.

Cora was different. She didn’t come across as delicate even though she probably only reached my chest when we stood toe-to-toe. Her eyes were outstanding. I had never seen anything like them; the dual colors were unique in themselves, but the fact that whatever she was feeling literally ran from one color to the next was fascinating. I had never met a woman that transparent or that open with her emotions before. It was like she had zero artifice in her. She was also damn cute. Not beautiful or stunningly pretty, but she was cuter than any girl with that much attitude had a right to be, and somehow the bouquet of flowers that colored her skin in every shape and variety seemed like it belonged there. Even the pink eyebrow ring and the little gauges in her ears didn’t distract from the fact that she was pretty much a hot little number all around.

I had to drag my attention to my brother when I could feel the heat of his anger blazing off the distance separating us. His icy eyes were hard and I knew simply throwing out a generic apology wasn’t going to cut it.

“Rule, I’m sorry.” I took my hat off and rubbed the back of my neck. “I’m sort of spiraling out of control right now and I don’t want you to get caught up in it.”

“Well, I am, and more importantly Shaw is, and I’m not down with that at all.”

I cringed. “I’m sorry.”

“For what? For ruining my barbecue? For making Shaw cry for no reason? For calling my relationship a mistake? For getting wasted and acting stupid all the time? For ignoring Mom and Dad? For getting your ass kicked by a bunch of bikers and calling Nash and not me? Narrow it the fuck down, Rome. What exactly are you sorry for?”

Damn, this wasn’t my carefree and I don’t give a shit about anyone brother. This was a serious-as-all-get-out young man who was rightfully pissed, and it was all directed at me. I sighed and I hung my head. Ever since the twins could walk, I had felt like they were mine to protect, mine to guide in the right direction, and mine to help groom into the men they were supposed to become. I didn’t know if it was because Rule was such a troublemaker and always flitting from one catastrophe to the next, or because Remy was so coddled, so babied and in real danger of becoming a pansy, that I was so invested in their care, but whatever the reason, their well-being had always been my top priority and I felt now like I had let both of them down.

“All of it. I’m sorry for all of it. It’s been rough trying to settle back into civilian life and I’m sucking at it. I shouldn’t be taking it out on you guys. I know it, but I can’t seem to stop it.”

“We love you, dude, but I swear to God, if you put me in a position where I have to pick between you and Shaw, she is going to win every single time, hands down. Know it.”

That took me aback for a second. After Remy died, it had just been me and Rule against the world. He wasn’t only my little brother, he was also my best friend, and I had never been able to picture a scenario where someone would mean more to him than me. I sort of loved and hated that Shaw was that person. It also galled me to admit that I was damn proud of Rule for standing that particular ground with me.

“It won’t come to that. I can’t lose another brother. I’ll make it right with Shaw. Mom and Dad might take some more time, but I’ll get it together, swear it.” I wasn’t even ready to admit to myself the underlying reasons—beyond their dishonesty—that made dealing with my parents impossible for me at this juncture.

He looked skeptical, so I shoved my hands in my pockets and tried to explain.

“I love Shaw like a sister. I always took care of both you and Remy. It sucked that Shaw didn’t tell us about Remy, but it sucks more that he used her and she let him get away with it. I’m mad at him and I was mad at her and I just didn’t know what to do with any of it, so she suffered the brunt of it because I was leaving again anyway. We’re family, all of us, there shouldn’t have ever been secrets like that. It makes me feel like I was fighting for the wrong things all along, for people I didn’t even really know.”

“Remy made his choices. It sucks he didn’t want us to know, didn’t trust us to let him live his life the way he wanted, but he’s gone and Shaw is here and she’s mine. I’ll protect her from anyone that wants to hurt her in any way, and that includes you, dickhead. I’m pissed at Remy, too, but I would rather keep the good memories alive, so every single day that’s what I try and do.”

Rule had a valid point, but he didn’t understand that what I was battling against was so much bigger and harder to process than coming to terms with the fact that Remy and our parents had lied. I had so much death, so much blood in my dreams, that Rule would never be able to relate to it. No one would.

I blew out a heavy breath and slammed my hat back down on my head, wincing a little as the interior scraped across my newly acquired wound.

“I wish it was that easy for me.” I reached out and punched him in the shoulder. “Seriously I’ll talk to Shaw and try and lay off the doom and gloom. Being Captain No-Fun really is no fun.”

Rule rolled his winter-colored eyes and went to reach for the handle on the glass door we had been standing in front of. “Ignore Cora. We do all the time. She’s a handful.”

She did indeed look like the perfect handful, but I don’t think Rule would appreciate me saying that. I wasn’t even sure why I was thinking it.

“I really am sorry about the emergency room. I was pretty drunk and had lost a ton of blood; plus it’s embarrassing. There’s no way some scrawny biker prospect should’ve been able to get that good of a lick in the first place. Speaking of which, I have to roll to the bar and make amends. The owner took care of my bike, and when I went to collect it he wouldn’t take a dime for the repairs to his place. He told me to swing by today and we could work something else out. He’s a really legit guy, so I need to make it right by him as well.”

“Cool, but next time you get cut open, call me. Put the shop number in your phone so that you can get in touch with me during the day. I don’t answer my cell when I’m with clients. Cora can get me if you need me.”

I tapped the number in my phone and regarded my brother seriously.

“We good?”

His eyes were so much cooler than mine, so much more guarded, and I could tell he wasn’t a hundred percent on board with forgiving me just yet.

“For now we are.”

It didn’t sound like he had much hope for me being able to act right in the foreseeable future. I didn’t like that at all. He told me he needed to get to his client, so we said good-bye and I found myself looking back through the glass to get another glimpse of the intriguing blonde. Too bad she had her back to me and appeared to be deep in conversation with Nash about something. I turned and went back to where I left my bike on the street to head down to Brite’s bar.

I asked him the name of the place when I went to pick up my bike on the day after the Fourth, and he said it was called whatever I wanted to call it. The place had no official name, no signage, nothing. He told me most of the regulars just called it the Bar. That worked for me and it fit the simple, no-frills ambience of the place. So did the primarily classic rock that rattled off the old sound system Brite kept behind the bar. Plus he said that when most of the regulars grumbled to their pissed-off spouses that they were headed to the Bar, the vagueness of the name offered them a little breathing room while the angry wives called around town looking for which bar exactly.

When I got there, I was surprised that there was already a line of older guys seated at the bar top. I was having to work really hard at not disappearing into a bottle every night, and seeing them was a stark reminder that I could very well be them if I didn’t get it together sooner rather than later. I didn’t want to be the lonely guy at the bar before noon, no one wondering where I was, no one concerned about my well-being, no place better to be or nothing better to do, with the bottom of a glass offering my only absolution. It didn’t escape my notice that a lot of Brite’s regular clientele, the guys that had been in here steadily since I wandered in a few days ago, were ex-military. The last thing I wanted was to become just one more … of anything.

The big man caught my eye from behind the bar and waved me over. I tried not to cringe when I had to walk over the lovely rust-colored stain that spread across the old wooden floor, courtesy of yours truly. I whipped my hat off, because even though we were from two different branches, and I probably outranked him in the reality of things, there was just something about Brite that demanded you show respect. I don’t know if it was the eyes, so dark and serious, or that epic beard, but I had enough years in the service to know when to show proper regard for a fellow serviceman.

I leaned up against the end of the bar. I figured that kept me from looking like the sorry sacks that were posted up at it, already three or four rounds in.

“Thanks again for watching the bike, and the run to the ER. I really do appreciate it. I wish you would let me pay you for the damages.”

I had more money in savings than I knew what to do with. I wasn’t married, there wasn’t a girlfriend, I didn’t have kids, or a house and a dog, so while I was deployed, all I had to cover was the Harley and my truck. I wasn’t a millionaire by any stretch of the imagination, but until I figured out what in the hell I was going to do with myself for the foreseeable future, I most definitely had enough stockpiled to live on comfortably. I could clean up the mess I made in the Bar and not even notice it was gone. Only Brite just shook his shaggy head, and that rueful grin split his beard.

“I don’t need your money, son.”

I lifted the eyebrow that was under the scar, it was the only one I could arch independently, so I did it a lot.

“No? Well, what did you mean when you said we could work something out?”

I had to wait as he was called to the other end of the bar by one of the patrons. It startled me to realize the new customer was probably only five years older than me. I also recognized the Army Ranger insignia tattooed on his bicep and felt a shiver of apprehension slide down my spine. I didn’t want to see myself in these guys, in this place, but it was getting harder and harder not to.

By the time Brite made his way back to me, I had given up the fight and propped myself up on an empty stool. My thoughts had drifted down a rather dark path, and I was having to struggle really hard to stay in the present. I wondered briefly if it showed on my face. I used to think I was pretty good at hiding all the turmoil that was crawling, saturating, filling me up from the inside out. After the blowup with Rule, and the way Brite was looking at me as he lumbered in my direction, I wasn’t so sure that was the case. I cleared my throat and forced myself to meet that charcoal gaze as he leaned on heavy forearms across from me.

“How handy are you?”

I tilted my head to the side and considered him in puzzlement. “What exactly do you mean by ‘handy’?” I mean I could break down pretty much any weapon you put in my hand and have it back together and firing in seconds, I could field-dress any number of injuries, I could tinker with the motor on the Harley and probably troubleshoot the basics of anything thrown at me. I was a problem solver by nature, but I wasn’t going to go out and build a house from the ground up or anything crazy like that.

He gave me that grin that I was starting to think meant the guy had something up his sleeve.

“You’re a guy with plenty of time on his hands and I’m a guy with a bar in serious need of some TLC. I already spend too much time here and I have no desire to be stripping floors and refinishing this bar top at my age. You bled all over it, you can fix it.”

We stared at each other in a tense silence for a long time. I was trying to figure out if he was serious and I think he was waiting to see if I was going to waffle or not. Finally I had to blink, so I leaned back in the stool with a sigh.

“Are you sure you don’t just want me to come regulate, like watch the door for you for a few weeks or something? Then no one would have to worry about bleeding on the floor in the first place.”

He barked out a laugh that made me cringe.

“No offense, son, but last time you were in a scuffle in here, you were the one that had to get dragged to the doc.”

I made a face and tried not to let the truth of it sting my already wounded pride. “I was drunk, and outnumbered.”

“It doesn’t matter. I don’t need a bouncer. I need a helping hand, someone I can trust, and someone that can be in here and not judge, because maybe, just maybe, he sees a little bit of himself in some of the regulars.”

It took every single fiber of self-control I had not to react to his dead-on assessment of how I was feeling. I had to fight not to fidget but to just sit still and try and think of any good excuse not to do what he was asking me to do. When nothing came to mind, it made that dark place I was hovering on get just a little bit wider.

Not even six months ago I was in charge of over a hundred men. I planned clandestine missions, I was the go-to guy for all the answers and solutions, and none of that translated to any kind of goddamn real-world job experience. I indeed had way too much free time on my hands and no end in sight for it. It made my head hurt and my heart speed up a little in my chest, so I cleared my throat and told Brite thanks when he set a glass of water down in front of me.

“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather me write you a check?”

He shook his head and that grin I was really starting to mistrust broke through once again.

“Nope. I don’t need your cash, I need you.”

Seeing that there really was no way around it if I wanted to be a man of my word, I nodded solemnly. I wanted to show this burly man who I respected without question, because I felt like we were kindred spirits, that I might not know where I was going or what I was doing but I still had more honor than one man needed in this lifetime.

“All right. I can do what you need me to do. How long do you think it’ll all take?”

He laughed long and hard, so hard that some of the other regulars looked our way in curiosity. I didn’t see why it was funny but I kept my mouth shut.

“As long as it takes, son.”

That seemed vague and open-ended, but before I could make him hammer down a more definitive time frame, he slapped his meaty hands down on the bar in front of me and leaned across the wooden expanse so that we were eye to eye. It was unnerving to have those dark eyes peer so intently into my own, but I immediately understood that whatever he was going to follow up with was to be taken seriously. This was without a doubt Brite’s I’m serious as hell face.

“No drinking while you’re working. I mean it.”

I frowned a little. “Okay.”

“I’m serious, Rome. I know firsthand how easy it can be to lose track of what it’s like trying to live outside the bottle. What you do in your free time is of no concern to me, you want to pickle your liver that’s your choice to make, but while you’re here, I won’t watch another good man go down.”

“Weren’t you the one pouring me endless shots of Wild Turkey the other night?” I would rather have all my teeth removed from my head by rusty pliers than admit how often a bottle of Belvedere was putting me to bed these days.

“It was the Fourth; every soldier should be allowed to celebrate what they have given up to support freedom, no matter how long ago that victory was.”

I considered him carefully, but couldn’t fault him his reasoning, so I just shrugged.

“All right, I don’t think that should be a problem.”

“It won’t be a problem.”

Jeez, this guy sounded like the very first drill sergeant I had when I enlisted.

“Okay, Brite, it won’t be a problem.”

His teeth appeared through the tangle of facial hair again and he smacked his palms flat on the bar.

“Excellent. You’ll meet the rest of the gang eventually as we go along. The Sons of Sorrow haven’t been back in, but if they come, I’ll have a talk with the chapter president and let him know he better rein his prospects in. I don’t mind a fistfight here or there, it gives the place character and keeps things interesting, but I have a hard-and-fast rule and no one, and I mean no one, touches servicemen or women when they’re in here. Everyone knows that.”

I laughed a little and climbed to my feet.

“It’s the American Legion.”

Brite laughed with me and picked up a bar towel. “Civilian life can be a real bitch to settle back into, sometimes it helps to have a place that feels more familiar. That’s what the Bar is all about, son.”

Since I was feeling so adrift myself, I had to admit what he was talking about sounded not only nice but also particularly necessary. I slapped my ball cap back on my head and shook Brite’s hand. I agreed that I would be back tomorrow when he opened the doors at ten in the morning. I wasn’t exactly excited about it, but it was the first time since I got back to the States that I actually had someplace to be. And that felt more right than anything had in a long time.

I would’ve gotten up early the next morning, but considering I was sleeping fitfully at best, I was wide-awake already when my alarm went off at eight. Since Nash normally didn’t have to go into work until noon, we usually tried to hit up the gym before he went in—that is, if he made it home from wherever he spent the night before. I think he felt bad for me, because while he and Rule had a pretty lax gym ritual they usually adhered to, I went every morning, and since I’d moved in he had managed to trudge along or at least made the effort to try. I needed the gym to work out the things chasing me in my subconscious, and even if I didn’t feel like a warrior anymore, at least I could still look like one. Besides, I was just too big; if I didn’t go to the gym, I would turn into a blob of a man in no time flat, especially since I was no longer out running PT and ops with kids ten years younger than me on the regular.

I was rubbing my eyes and making coffee when Nash’s bedroom door opened. I never knew if it was going to be him coming out or some dewy-eyed young thing that looked like she had been through the sex spin cycle. Nash and my brother both had a way about them that drew attention from the opposite sex in a way I just never really understood. Not that I lived like a choirboy in my youth, but I had never been the kind of guy who wanted quantity over quality. That made my momentary lapse with the trashy redhead even more stupid. Man, maybe I really did deserve having my ass kicked the other night.

Nash was flying solo this morning, which was unusual. He was pulling a T-shirt on over his head and muttering a few swearwords under his breath. I handed him a cup of coffee and asked him what was wrong.

He just shook his head and cracked his neck.

“I’m trying to get my uncle to go to the doctor and he’s being stubborn. Cora called after work last night saying he sounds like he’s hacking up a lung and looks pale. He’s insisting that it’s just a cold, but even over the phone I can tell he sounds terrible.”

I knew they were really close. Uncle Phil had raised Nash and been more of a parent to Rule than my own folks. I didn’t know much about the man, but by all accounts he was a real stand-up guy and I knew the guys held him in really high regard.

“Maybe it really is just a bad cold.”

Nash nodded and pointed at the half-smoked pack of cigarettes he had abandoned on the counter.

“I picked up the habit from him when I was younger. It makes me nervous.”

“Then quit.”

“I’m trying.”

I snatched the pack of the counter and tossed it in the sink. Nash hollered my name and swore at me as I turned on the garbage disposal.

“Try harder.”

He glared at me. “You’re a douche bag.”

I shrugged. “I’ve been called worse.” I rolled my heavy shoulders and popped my knuckles.

“You ready to do this?”

He was still scowling at me. “No. I’m gonna swing by his place and see if I can harass him into getting a checkup, at the very least. Plus I have an early appointment.”

“All right.”

We said good-bye and I headed to the gym. I worked out harder than I had in a while, I think I was trying to burn out the memories, sweat out the coil of dread and unease that always felt like it sat in my stomach. I was sore and worn out by the time I showered and changed into an old pair of jeans and a faded tee with the word ARMY stenciled on the front. I opted to take my pickup in today since I was already dragging and didn’t feel up to muscling the Harley through downtown traffic.

When I got into the bar Brite was already waiting with a list and a huge-ass BLT. It was too early for lunch, but considering the beating I had just put my body through, it was welcome. We chitchatted for a few minutes, he introduced me to his cook, a lady who was about the same age as him named Darcy, who apparently was also wife number two, and he ran down the list of the regulars that my too tired brain tried to process sluggishly.

The list of tasks he handed over was impressive. He wanted the bar stripped, stained, and varnished. He wanted all the tables and chairs tightened and cleaned up. He wanted the battered wood floors stripped, sanded, and refinished. He wanted all the heavy kitchen equipment moved and the whole joint power-washed. He wanted all the lights changed out. He wanted the entire place primed and painted. He wanted me to build a stage. He wanted me to reorganize the liquor stock room, including adding new shelving and storage. It was all stuff that was fairly easy and mindless, nothing I didn’t think I could handle. In fact I was arrogant enough to think I could knock it all out in a couple of weeks.

It took two days for me to realize I was going to be at the Bar forever. Every time I would get started on a particular project, one of the grizzled veterans would wander over and I would find myself stuck in a conversation about the best way to do it, or how they would do it, or what I was doing, who I was, where I was from, my rank and designation, which inevitably led to talk about the military and endless amounts of war stories. Before I knew it, the day had come and gone and I hadn’t accomplished much of anything. I mentioned it to Brite and he just shrugged it off and told me once again that it would be done when it was done, like I had all the time in the world. Like I didn’t need to figure out what in the world I was going to be now that I was a grown-up and no longer in the army. I tried not to let it rub me the wrong way.

It was late Friday night, or rather super early Saturday morning and I was lying in bed staring at the ceiling. I was making a conscious effort not to use vodka as a sleep aid, but tonight I was regretting it. Luckily Nash hadn’t been home, because this nightmare, when it woke me up, was violent enough that my own screaming had jolted me awake. I was sweating and shaking and getting a drink sounded awesome. I didn’t do it, though, I just lay there and let the images that had been too harsh to sleep through roll endlessly through my head. I knew logically that if they didn’t go away, I was going to have to get help, that I probably had bits and pieces of PTSD courtesy of the desert and too many years at war. I wanted to think I was tough enough to handle it on my own, that it would just fade away with enough time, but I wasn’t so sure anymore.

I swung my legs out of the bed, thinking a nice predawn run would get my shit back on straight, when my cell phone suddenly rang from the desk where I had it on the charger. Icy fingers of dread raked down my back. Early-morning calls like this never led to anything good. It rang four times and was going to get sent to voice mail before I talked myself out of being scared enough to answer it. I didn’t recognize the number, but it was long and the connection was barely audible and broken, so I knew immediately that it was coming from overseas.

“Hello?”

“Master Sergeant?” I barked out a bitter laugh and propped myself on the edge of the bed. I noticed absently that my hands were shaking.

“Not anymore. What’s up, Church?”

Dash Churchill was my sergeant first class, and I recognized his slow Mississippi drawl even across the bad connection and with my mind being sleep-deprived. We had moved up the ranks together and served in the same unit for the last six years. We were soldiers first and friends second, but I trusted him implicitly and knew that if he was calling with no consideration to the time change and the fact I was no longer his commanding officer, then shit had to be bad.

All I could make out was a garbled bunch of words, stuff like “bad intel,” stuff like “FUBAR mission,” things like “outgunned” and “hidden explosives.” I heard “insurgents” and “loss of life” and my brain went haywire. I went immediately into commando mode, trying to get him to give me just the pertinent details, only to get shut down by things like it being classified and on a need-to-know basis.

I swore at him and had to refrain from throwing my phone at the wall. With gritted teeth I asked why he called if he wasn’t going to tell me anything. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest I could feel each thump, each beat in every tip of my fingers.

“Three KIA, four in serious condition getting airlifted to Germany. They were ours, just thought you would want to know.”

The line went dead and I let the phone fall from numb fingers. I put my head in my hands and tried to stop myself from freaking out. I wasn’t in anymore, they weren’t my men anymore, it wasn’t my mission anymore, but none of it seemed to matter. If they were in my unit then I knew two things: they were too young to be dead, and if I hadn’t been such a mess, both physically and mentally, maybe I could have stuck around and prevented it.

I couldn’t stay in this house. I couldn’t be alone with just my wayward thoughts for company, so I changed into track pants, put in my earbuds, and went running. It was either that or cash the bottle of vodka and be useless the rest of the day. I ran until I couldn’t see the blood and bodies anymore. I ran until my muscles burned and my lungs felt like they were turned inside out. I ran until there was so much sweat on my face no one could notice the moisture building in my eyes was anything but exertion. I ran until my heart thudded and hurt for another, more tangible reason.

When I got back to the Victorian, I took my time in the shower and contemplated calling Brite to tell him I had zero motivation to be at the Bar today, but then the idea of just sitting alone in the apartment with silence and too much time freaked me out, so I forced myself to go. When I walked in I didn’t say anything to anyone or touch the sandwich Darcy had left for me. I was pretty sure my nasty mood was transmitting to anyone that crossed my path, because for the first time since I started spending time at the Bar, everyone gave me a wide berth. There was no chatting, no stories, just everyone looking at me suspiciously out of the corner of their eyes. Even Brite didn’t impart his sage wisdom on me today, he just left me to my own devices, which was nice, or possibly dangerous.

I was pulling the wood trim off one of the walls in the back. I was working on autopilot, my mind in a place so far away from this dank bar in Denver that I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing. I put my hand on the wall and it landed on a missed finishing nail that was sticking out. It jabbed into the flesh of my palm, which was startling and hurt, but in no way deserved the reaction it got. I swore and threw the hammer I was using across the room. Unfortunately my anger added force to it and my aim sucked, so it smacked into one of the neon beer signs that decorated the wall and shattered the thing into a million pieces. I swore again and let my head fall forward like I just couldn’t hold it up anymore.

When a weighty hand fell on my shoulder, I didn’t have to look up to know it was Brite.

“You need the day off, son.” It wasn’t a question.

“Fucked-up mission. Too many KIA in my old unit. They were just kids, Brite. I shoulda been there.”

He sighed and hauled me toward the bar.

“No, you shouldn’t have been. That was your life then. Had you been there, you very well might have been one of the casualties. Now sit here, get drunk and feel shitty for a minute, but shake it off and live in the now. You got someone I can call for a ride?”

I shook my head but didn’t push away the double vodka and soda he put in front of me.

“You said no drinking while I was here.” I was still reeling and trying to get it together.

“Grief is a hard mistress to have, Rome. She eventually wants all you have to give her. Take a breather someplace you know is safe. All of us have been in your shoes, kid. I just want to make sure you have someone to take care of you later.”

I stared at the drink and blinked stupidly. I shoved my cell phone in his direction. “My brother. Call him when it’s time to go, he might be pissed but he’ll come and get me.”

Brite nodded and put the phone on the bar rail. I rubbed my tired eyes and looked at him to see if he maybe had some of the answers I so desperately needed.

“Does it ever get easier?” Life and death, before and after, then and now, I was just having such a hard time finding my footing. I felt like I was going to fall off a ledge and there would be no going back and the inevitable landing would be the end of me.

He sighed and reached across the bar to clap me on the shoulder.

“No, son, it doesn’t. You just eventually learn how to process it so that it doesn’t end up killing you.”

Well, that sucked. The vodka was cold and oh so welcome going down.