Rome

CHAPTER 6

Rome

I thought I was dreaming. Somewhere between the haze of blood and death, and the swirly nauseating feeling of being almost blackout drunk, I had a dream that a pixie came in and saved me from everything. It was all a blur after the fifth or sixth drink. All I knew was that the mind-numbing effects of alcohol, and Brite’s gentle, kind reminders that the shitty things in life could not be directly tied to me, were the only things that kept me from going completely off the rails.

When I pried my eyes open because the sun was bitch-slapping me across the face, I had no idea where I was. Hell, I barely knew who I was: my head was throbbing, I felt a little like I was going to hurl, and all I knew was that I was surrounded by wall-to-wall pink. I also had all kinds of soft feminine curves trapped under me and she smelled like cotton candy and flowers. It had to be a dream because at no point in my reality did I ever get to wake up after a crap day to end all crap days and have those amazing two-toned eyes looking up at me with trepidation, but also with a healthy dose of admiration. Therefore it had to be a dream, and since I was dreaming, I was going to do what I had been dying to do since she called me Captain No-Fun and smirked at me like she already knew all my dark and dirty secrets. I was going to kiss that sassy mouth until neither one of us could breathe, until my head stopped hurting, until I forgot what had put me in such a vulnerable, sorry state in the first place.

Only I had no idea a simple kiss with this tiny, bossy, mouthy girl was going to turn my head around. I wanted to kiss her because she was cute, and soft, and I really did think she had the prettiest eyes I had ever seen, but mostly I wanted to kiss her because I knew she would tell me to stop, that she would no doubt push me away and get worked up into a tizzy of righteous indignation. I was already feeling about as low as I could, so there was no harm in taking it one step further.

Cora apparently didn’t play by any normal set of rules, though. She did the opposite of what I expected, and before too long I was too scared to talk, too freaked out to even breathe, because I was worried that one slight movement in the wrong direction and she would call a halt to the only thing that had made me feel good in a really long time. It still felt like a dream, but she was so hot, so damn unexpected, it now felt like a dream come true.

When it was all over, as I lay there panting and trying to think of an appropriate response, because “thank you” just wouldn’t cut it, she rolled off the other side of the big bed and looked down at me with eyes that were both bright and shiny and dark and swirling. That dual-color thing really was kind of a trip.

“I’m going to take a shower and then you need to take me to get my car from that hole in the wall you were at yesterday.”

She turned around to rummage through a tiny closet on the other side of the very pink room and I took a moment to admire the view. She was lithe, all smooth lines and colorfully decorated skin. She had some kind of Asian-inspired water-and-fire image tattooed around the top of one thigh that danced almost to her knee, those flowers on her ribs with the shower of jewels implanted in her skin on her side, and that arm that had every flower known to man inked on it. She was petite but man, did she pack a punch. Who knew metal in places I never imagined a chick would want to put it would be so hot, be such an unbelievable turn-on. Everything about this girl was a surprise.

“Uhh … not that I’m not grateful for it, but how exactly did I end up here?” The in bed with you I left unspoken.

She put on a short robe that had tiny silver stars all over it and looked silky and shiny. She glanced at me over her shoulder and ran her hands over her short hair. I reached over the side of the bed and started to pull my jeans back on, but I had to take a second because my head started to throb in time to my heartbeat.

“The bartender called the shop looking for Rule but he was gone already. He was dealing with the crisis of being a new homeowner and Nash wasn’t at the apartment. You weren’t in any condition to be left alone, so I brought you here.”

Not only was she smoking hot but underneath all that sass there was a really big heart. I was a lot to handle on a good day, and knowing where I had been at yesterday before the booze flooded my system, she was pretty brave to try and tackle all that on her own. Most people wouldn’t do that for a virtual stranger. I rubbed hard hands over my supershort buzz cut; this hadn’t been totally awkward thus far, but now it felt more personal.

She didn’t say anything else, just disappeared into the bathroom, and I heard the shower go on. I found my shirt wadded up in a pile with my boots and finished getting dressed. I smelled like sex and day-old booze. I smelled just like Rule used to smell all the time. The wayward thought of my brother had me absently searching for my phone and my keys. I should have given Brite better instructions before getting tanked yesterday. Not that Cora seemed in any hurry to try and rake me over the coals, but this had all the hallmarks of a situation that could go slanted in a heartbeat and I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something I was forgetting.

Not sure what to do with myself in the outrageously girly room, I decided to brave the wild and go in search of a glass of water and maybe some painkillers for my head. The house was tiny and cute. Cora’s eclectic style was on display throughout. The couch was purple, the rugs were polka dot, and I assumed the massive flat screen and game systems had to belong to Jet because they were the only things in the living room not splashed with color. I found the kitchen in the back of the house and cringed inwardly when I saw it wasn’t empty.

Asa was at the little table drinking a cup of coffee and seemingly ignoring his sister, who was grilling him about something. Both sets of amber eyes got wide when I walked into the room. Asa lifted an eyebrow and Ayden blinked like she had no idea who I was. I felt an embarrassed flush start to crawl up my neck and cleared my throat. I wished to God I could remember what, if anything, I had done last night.

“Uh, hey.”

I gratefully accepted the mug of coffee Asa handed to me and propped a hip up on the counter while they continued to stare at me.

“Is that your truck outside?” I liked Ayden’s voice. It was tinted with just a hint of the South and all soft and smooth. I liked those long legs of hers in her running pants, too, but Jet was like a brother to me, so there was no way I would ever admit that aloud.

“Yeah. I needed a DD and Cora decided to be it.”

“You spent the night?”

I didn’t like the third degree, I was used to being on the other side of it.

“Yeah, well, I blacked out in her bed, so there really wasn’t a choice.”

I could see Asa doing the math in his head that Cora hadn’t been on the couch or anywhere else this morning.

“Interesting.” Asa just chuckled and didn’t say anything, for which I was eternally grateful. There was just something about the way he looked at you, something about the way he sized you up, that was unnerving and unsettling.

“What’s interesting?” Cora came in the room smelling clean and fresh. I tried not to notice I had left whisker burn all along her jaw and throat.

Ayden made a face and handed her a banana. “That you had to take care of the supposedly responsible Archer last night.”

Cora frowned and moved past me back toward the living room. She had on black shorts with a wide waist and a black-and-white-striped top that was missing most of the back. The only thing holding it up seemed to be a giant bow in the back; her rib tattoo with all its winking jewels was totally visible.

“We all have bad days. I need to get my car, are you ready?”

I nodded and handed Asa back the coffee mug. We exchanged a little nod, like he understood the potential for this to be the most awkward thing in the world, and I gave Ayden a small little grin. She lifted her eyebrows back at me and took my spot against the counter. I knew as soon as we left they would be picking apart what my stay-over meant.

I noticed Cora seemed to be moving a little more slowly than her usual hyperkinetic way. I wanted to ask her if I had hurt her, she was so much smaller than the girls I normally went to bed with, but we seemed to be on the same page about leaving the deed in no-man’s-land and I didn’t want to rock the boat. She fished my keys out of her bag and threw them at me.

“I left your wallet and phone in the glove box.”

“Did I do, or say, anything out of hand last night?”

I needed to know if I owed her an apology for anything … well, for anything besides devouring her like she was my last meal.

“No. You were just sad, really sad.”

I didn’t know if that meant I was feeling sad, or that I was sad as in she felt sorry for me. There was no way I could look her in the eye ever again if that had been a pity fuck. It was too good, too intense, and if she just felt sorry for me, I would never be able to look myself in the mirror as a man again.

“I got a phone call from the desert yesterday. It was bad.”

I pulled into the traffic and headed toward Broadway. I needed to find out if I had made an ass out of myself to Brite and the gang at the bar as well.

“So you said. You also mentioned that you being home makes you somehow responsible for what happened, which I hope you know is nuts. People whose job it is to fight a war have a high risk that they may end up injured or killed, you should know that. You being here or there makes no difference in the matter.”

I sighed and tightened my hands on the steering wheel. “It doesn’t matter. When I was deployed my brother died, when I’m here men in my unit die. I just can’t get away from it and yet somehow every single time I manage to scrape by just past death’s door.”

She looked at me out of those odd eyes, compassion in the blue one, censure and warning in the coffee-colored one.

“That’s too much for one person to try and carry around all the time, Rome. You can’t be responsible for everyone or feel guilty all the time for being one of lucky ones.”

“Like you?” I cut a sideways look at her. “You run around rescuing those guys, Shaw and Ayden, and now me. You want to save everyone just as much as I do.” I wasn’t going to touch the guilty part of that statement.

“Yeah, I do, only the difference is that when they suffer from their own choices, I don’t take the responsibility for it. When Rule was acting like an idiot and walked away from Shaw, that wasn’t my fault. When Ayden was pretending like she could live without Jet, that had nothing to do with me. I’m just there to love them through it and pick up the pieces after. You think that you directly impact the bad things and that’s just stupid.”

She kind of had a point, so I didn’t answer her and as such we spent the rest of the ride in silence. I turned on the radio and let old Pink Floyd fill the cab. When we got to the bar I pulled around back and she pointed to a ridiculous Mini Cooper that was painted a bright neon green. Of course that’s what she drove. I wouldn’t even fit in the thing. I pulled up next to it and killed the engine. I leaned across the seat and dug my stuff out of the glove box. I didn’t miss the way her breath caught when my arm brushed across her chest.

We stared at each other in mute silence for a full minute before she reached for the door handle. I couldn’t just let her leave without saying something about this morning, not that I had a clue what that should be.

“About this morning …” She held up a hand before I could start.

“Just don’t.” She shook her head. “It was what it was and let’s leave it at that. You’re ridiculously hot, but I don’t want to be alone forever and the kind of guy I’m looking for doesn’t come with all the questions and inner turmoil that seems to be eating you alive. I want someone steady, someone ready to settle down for the long haul, and ready to be all in with me. You aren’t even close to being in a place where you’re all in for yourself, let alone someone else. I get that you’ve been through a really hard time, have seen more than your fair share of awful things, but I need a guy living his life like tomorrow matters, not like it’s a curse. I’m sorry, Rome. My perfect guy has got to come already together and be good enough, no assembly required by me. I learned that lesson the hard way.”

I barked out a laugh and leaned back in the seat. She looked at me in confusion and I nodded at her.

“You’re right. I’m broken. Half the time I don’t know if the stuff going on in my head is real or the memory of a memory. I just didn’t think it was so obvious.” I wasn’t even going to touch on the “ridiculously hot” comment. She was right, I was in a million and one scattered pieces and there was probably more than one screw missing.

She shook her head and pushed open the door. “That’s not what I mean. You’re not happy and you’re not even trying to get there. Jeez, Rome, we have more military in this state than we do normal people. Go get help, go find someone to talk to. Let someone save you for once. I know your brother and the other people that love you would appreciate it.”

And then she was gone just like that, like she hadn’t turned my world on its axis. Like she hadn’t been the best sex I could remember ever having in my life. Like she hadn’t just dismantled all my parts and pieces and left them lying stripped and bare for the entire world to see. It made my head hurt even more.

The cell phone I had in my hand vibrated with a text, and I flinched when I noticed I had no less than ten missed calls. Everyone was checking up on me, making sure I hadn’t drunk myself to death, and my parents had called to see if I was coming for brunch. The answer to that was hell no, the reasons more complicated, but the text was from Shaw and I didn’t want to be an ass and ignore her.

Skipped family brunch. Want to get some food?

I could eat.

Rule is messing with the water heater. Bob Vila he is not. Just me and you?

I hadn’t been alone with Shaw since before she dropped the bombshell about not only her and Rule being a couple, but Remy being gay. I loved her like a sister, loved how good she was for my brother, but I still had some issues with her lying to us for so long. However, I had promised Rule I would get it on lock, so that’s what I was going to do and a greasy-ass breakfast burrito sounded awesome right now.

Sure. The Denver Diner?

Gross. No, if you want diner food let’s go to Steuben’s.

Okay.

It’s uptown on 17th.

See you soon.

I had a cast-iron stomach and the Denver Diner would have been fine for me. Army food had come a long way over the years, but it still wasn’t great, though as long as it was hot, I could eat it. Uptown wasn’t terribly far from where the Victorian and the tattoo shop were anyway, so I had time to swing by and change before I met up with her. Nash was coming out as I was running in and he gave me a concerned look on his way to the Charger.

“You okay? You weren’t here this morning.”

“I had a rough night. It’s all good.”

He must have been in a hurry because he didn’t stop to give me the third degree. I doubted Cora wanted the guys to be privy to all the sordid details, so it was nice I didn’t have to chitchat with him in passing.

I rushed through a shower and decided not to bother running a razor over my face. I felt like hell, so I might as well look like it as well. I tossed on some jeans and a clean T-shirt. I slapped my sunglasses on over my seriously bloodshot eyes and drove up to the restaurant. Shaw’s snazzy Porsche SUV was already in the parking lot and I was surprised that I actually felt a little nervous about seeing her one-on-one.

Shaw was a sweet girl. She didn’t have a malicious or mean bone in her tiny body. She was all gigantic heart and unconditional love, which was how she managed to get my idiot brother to act right most of the time. There was just something about those innocent green eyes that made you want to be her hero, made you want to be the best “you” possible around her, which made all the resentment and irritation I felt toward her so hard to swallow. Her blond head was easy to pick out of the crowd and the fact that she was as uneasy with meeting as I was showed on her pretty face.

She gave me a wan smile as I slid into the booth across from her, and I saw the concern flash across her eyes when I took my sunglasses off and ordered coffee from the hovering waitress.

“You look awful.”

“I feel awful.”

She was fiddling with her silverware and I could tell she wanted to say something but was holding back.

“What, Shaw? Just say it.”

She bit her bottom lip and wrinkled her nose up at me. “Rule is worried about you.”

I snickered at her and nodded at the waitress when the coffee was set down in front of me. “Oh, how the tables have turned. I spent most of my life worrying about him.”

It was true. I don’t know where the all-consuming need to be my brother’s keeper had come from, but it was as much a part of me as my sense of duty and honor was.

She frowned at me. “Excessive drinking, acting out, not talking to Margot and Dale, and pushing away everyone that cares about you: it’s like you’re purposely trying to make coming home as hard as it can possibly be. We all love you, Rome. Yes, we were all used to loving you when it was easy and took no effort, but we can all learn to love you in a different way now that it’s harder if you give us a chance.”

I cleared my throat and waited for the hovering waitress to take our order before answering her.

“Look, I’m trying to settle into my life the way it is now. I’ve had a few hiccups here and there but I’ll figure it out. I’m sorry I was such a dick to you. It’s hard looking at you and not seeing Remy and his lies, it’s hard seeing you and Rule as a unit. I’m not used to being on the outside looking in at my own family.”

She hissed out a breath like I had smacked her. I saw the pain flash across that jade gaze and felt like a heel.

“It wasn’t my secret to tell. Remy lived his life the way he wanted on his terms. I didn’t agree with it, with the secrets and sneaking around, but it wasn’t my place to force the issue. He was happy, he was in love, and he didn’t need or want you and Rule to interfere, even if it would have been with good intentions. As for being with Rule …” She met my gaze head-on and unflinchingly. “I’ve loved him forever and you knew it. I earned him, Rome. I earned the right to be happy with him and to make him happy. I won’t apologize for it, ever. I’m sorry the change is hard for you to adjust to.”

The waitress chose that moment to put our plates down on the table. We stared at each other in a long silence for a moment before my pounding head and empty stomach couldn’t take it anymore.

“I’m just trying to figure it out, little girl. Everyone let Rule muddle his way to something great, why can’t I have a little leeway until I get there?”

She finally gave me a grin that lit her entire face up. I really did love this girl and missed having her in my life.

“Leeway I can do. The total freeze-out, angry giant you’ve been lately, I’ve had enough of.”

“Captain No-Fun.” She laughed and looked at me questioningly. “Cora calls me ‘Captain No-Fun.’”

“She tends to call it like she sees it. I like that about her.”

I scratched the stubble on my chin and tried to keep my face impassive. “She seems to be full of surprises.”

She lifted her fork and pointed it at me. “How do you know? When have you ever hung out with her?”

Now, that wasn’t a question I wanted to touch with a ten-foot pole, so I decided to change the subject.

“Were the folks pissed you canceled Sunday Funday?”

She blinked at me in surprise. “A little. It’s not that uncommon. Rule and your mom still have a rough time of it and sometimes he’s just not in the mood to go. They both try and I guess that’s all you can ask for, but it’s hard. They miss you. They ask about you all the time. Everyone is so happy you made it home in one piece.”

This wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have either, but it seemed less torturous than talking about my morning with Cora or how well I did or didn’t know the blond dynamo.

“I came back in one piece physically, not so sure the same thing can be said for my head.”

She frowned at me in concern as I pushed my now-empty plate away and picked up the coffee.

“What do you mean?”

I slumped back in the booth and twirled a finger around my temple like I was nuts. “My brain goes wonky. I see things that aren’t there, I can’t sleep so great, and I feel like people around me keep dying and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t figure out what I’m supposed to do with myself now that I’m not in the army, and it’s making me crazy. I don’t really recognize myself anymore.”

She made a little noise in her throat and reached across the table to put her much smaller hand over my own where I had involuntarily curled it into a fist on the tabletop. I could say over and over again I was mad at my mom and dad for lying to me, for making Rule’s life miserable, but the truth of the matter was I didn’t know that I could handle them looking at me like they didn’t know who I was anymore. I was so far gone from the son, the soldier they had seen last time I was home, I didn’t know what it would do to me to have them look at me like I was a stranger.

“Rome.” Shaw’s voice was soft and I couldn’t meet her gaze. If there was pity, sadness for me shining out of it, it would just kill me. I was so used to protecting her, to offering her advice and comfort, that the idea that she had to do it for me now slid under my skin like an icy splinter. “I’m looking right at you and see the guy that was always a wonderful brother, an amazing son, and the strongest, most self-aware guy I have ever known. You’re amazing and maybe you’re struggling right now, but seriously Rome, you’ve had to be strong for your entire life, haul around everyone else’s crap, it’s okay to put it down for a minute and let the rest of us carry the burden.”

I looked back up at her and had to gulp down the clog of emotion that rose in my throat. I couldn’t answer her, so I just gave her fingers a little squeeze to let her know the sentiment was welcome. My brother was one hell of a lucky guy to have this amazing girl be so gone for him. I thought I was off the hook when I pulled out my wallet to pay for the bill but it was easy to forget that Shaw was smart as a whip and rarely forgot anything.

“So what did you mean before when you said Cora was full of surprises? I didn’t think you guys really knew each other that well.”

I wanted to groan. “Nothing. I didn’t mean anything by it. She’s cute and says whatever she wants, she’s just surprising is all.”

She arched an eyebrow. “You know we’re really close, right? And anything she doesn’t tell me, Ayden will.”

Damn it, I forgot about the way girls were all so chatty and in each other’s business all the time.

“I got plowed last night.”

“Obviously.” Her dry tone surprised a laugh out of me.

“I gave the bartender my phone to call Rule to come get me but he called the shop and Cora answered. Since he was busy with the water heater and Nash was AWOL, she came and got me. She made sure I didn’t kill myself or anyone else. I just was surprised she cared enough to do it because I don’t think I’m her favorite person.”

Shaw regarded me solemnly for a minute. I had to fight hard not to squirm like a guilty little kid.

“There’s more to her than meets the eye.”

Hell yeah, there was but I wasn’t going to say anything about it.

“She was engaged a while back. The guy broke her heart and now she has all these delusions about meeting some picture-perfect guy and living happily ever after. She meddles in all our lives, doles out advice, and sticks her nose where it doesn’t belong time and time again, but won’t listen to any of us when we tell her she’s reaching for something that doesn’t exist. It just sucks because more often than not she’s right and we should have listened to her all along, so it’s no wonder she blows us off. Honestly I think she’s terrified of letting anyone close enough to break her heart again.”

I shrugged and started to slide out of the booth. “Nothing wrong with reaching for the stars.”

“There is when what’s available is only here in the ground level. I love Rule with everything I have, but he is far from perfect. Relationships are not tailor-made and people are flawed. You have to work around that and love the other person anyway. Our flaws are what make us unique, and while Rule might not be perfect, he is absolutely perfect for me.”

I wrapped an arm around her neck and gave her a quick hug that had her squealing. Something warm and familiar settled in my chest when I felt her wrap her arms around me in a hug. I missed this and it was my own stupid fault.

“I missed you, little girl.”

I felt her exhale against my chest and her hug tighten just a fraction. “I missed you, too, Rome. I’m so glad you’re back.”

I wasn’t a hundred percent back, but for some reason my eyes felt more open, and I had a clearer view of what I had been missing lately. Shaw was right. I had always been a pretty steady guy, a reliable son, a steadfast older brother. I was still all those things but now I was other things that weren’t so pretty, were harder parts to accept. However, the people in my life that loved me would always love me even if they had to do it in a different way now, and that made me a lucky guy. I needed to stop taking things like that for granted and, just like Cora said, stop feeling guilty for being one of the lucky ones.