Secret Shared

15 CASSIE

THE LAST TIME I was invited to the Mansion I was naked beneath a full-length coat and led upstairs blindfolded, where a sensuous feast (and lover) awaited me. This time was a little different. It was Matilda waiting for me, looking somber on the porch in the middle of a hot August Saturday. I already knew what preoccupied her. After I had gotten off the phone with an angry Dauphine the night before, I’d had a hard time sleeping, so I called Matilda and told her about the auction, and Pierre’s stunt.

“I cannot believe Pierre,” I said, greeting Matilda on the porch. “Dauphine’s shaken.”

“I don’t blame her. In the almost forty years that we’ve been doing this, we’ve had trouble with only one man: Pierre. I should have trusted my instincts when he first joined, but we were all dazzled by his charms.”

“Well, there’s one consolation in all of this: his fifteen million will keep S.E.C.R.E.T. running for a long time,” I said.

“If we keep it.”

I had never questioned whether we’d keep the money. But the way Matilda was talking, giving it back suddenly seemed a possibility.

“Anyway,” she continued, “whether we keep the money is a decision for the whole Committee, not just me. I’m heading to Dauphine’s house now.”

“Should I come? Can we postpone this … session?”

“No. This is a job for the head of the Committee and time is of the essence. I may be able to convince Dauphine to stay in S.E.C.R.E.T., but if not, I hope I can at least convince her to accept our apologies. Meanwhile, you, my dear, have an exciting task at hand that also needs to be completed. Are you sure you’re ready?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be.”

“Nervous?”

“Yes.”

“Has Jesse contacted you?”

“I’m seeing him tonight.” I couldn’t help but beam a little.

Matilda didn’t echo my enthusiasm; instead, her tone shifted back to one of concern.

“After all that’s happened, and how wrong I was about Pierre, I do hope I’m not wrong about Jesse too.”

“I don’t think you are,” I said, wondering why she continued to plant these doubts about him.

I followed her into the Mansion, up the stairs, then down a long, cool corridor, where she stopped in front of a narrow door. She unlocked it. Inside the small room was a single grey club chair facing a wall of glass. Matilda pulled the chair out for me. The room on the other side of the glass was dimly lit but spectacular, with two floor-to-ceiling windows to my right, draped in thick burgundy curtains, cupids carved into the wooden valences. Ancient oil paintings of beautiful women in shoulder-baring gowns hung along the ivory-colored walls. The bed itself was a piece of art, each poster carved to look like a willow trunk, fronds decorating the oak fascia. In the center of the room sat a tufted chair, armless, with gilt legs, the seat and back embroidered with burgundy roses.

I felt more nervous than I had during one of my own fantasies.

“This is the Emperor’s Room,” Matilda said.

“So this is where the training happens?”

“Some of it, yes. You ready?”

I nodded, took a deep breath and gave her my most confident smile. I was about to watch Mark Drury’s first training session with Angela Rejean. He’d passed all the tests, submitted to two prior sessions and aced his interviews. Now, before engaging in a fantasy with Dauphine, he had to pass final muster with Angela.

“It can be emotional to watch former lovers, Cassie. It takes fortitude.”

“I’m fine,” I said, as much for myself as for her. “He’s for S.E.C.R.E.T., for Dauphine. Not for me.”

“Good.”

“Does he know I’m watching?”

“No. He knows someone from S.E.C.R.E.T. is watching, but we never say who. He was quite excited.”

“Does Angela know she’s being watched?”

She gave me a wry smile.

“Cassie, honey, this is her thing. All right then. Enjoy yourself. But study carefully too. We have to evaluate him—look for ways he can improve, to enliven a woman’s fantasy experience. He has to find pleasure in pleasing. And he needs to learn how to make a woman feel completely desired, which is, without a doubt, the greatest aphrodisiac. I’ll funnel any advice to him. Patience keeps coming up as an issue for him. Good luck,” she said with a smile, adding, “you’ve come a long way, Cassie. Call me later. I’ll let you know how it goes with Dauphine.”

“Thank you. Truly. For everything,” I said. “And I hope Dauphine stays. There’s still just so much.”

“I’ll tell her just that.”

She shut off the light and left, closing the door behind her. I was alone in my little dark room, unsure of what to do. I crossed and uncrossed my legs, waiting for the session to begin on the other side of the one-way glass.

A few moments later, Angela emerged from an ivory door flush with the wall in the Emperor’s Room. Her normally straightened hair was arranged in a relaxed, sassy Afro, and she was wearing a white, wraparound dress, cut low, the material thin, almost translucent, her dark nipples alert. She wore six-inch pumps that set off her brown muscled calves to perfection. She ignored the glass, which would look like a mirror on her side of the room. She walked over to the marble mantel of the fireplace and leaned on it provocatively. There was a lot you could envy about Angela, but her calm, cool demeanor was at the top of my list just then.

From a door to the left, off the same hallway I had just navigated with Matilda, Mark slowly emerged, wearing a grin that only grew bigger when he took in his next “trainer.” He looked so cute and clean in his chambray shirt tucked into baggy cords, his hair damp. I could almost smell his green apple shampoo.

“Holy mother of mercy,” he muttered, at which point I realized I’d not only be seeing everything, but hearing everything through speakers.

“Okay, first thing: don’t smile at me so much,” Angela said to him. “You want our girl to feel you’re happy to see her, but enthuse less, smolder more.”

“Got it,” he said, literally wiping the smile off his face with a sweep of his hand.

I laughed. I mean, it was funny—he was funny. But Angela was not amused.

“Take a seat.”

Mark fell into the tufted chair like an obedient boy, which sent Angela’s fist to her hip. Oh, please don’t blow this, I thought. If you blow this, no Jesse for me.

“Yes, ma’am,” he added.

“Don’t ‘ma’am’ me,” Angela scolded. “That is not going to turn any woman on.”

“Sorry.”

He examined the room, his eyes stopping on the mirror for a second. Angela followed his gaze. They were both looking directly at me. No! I sank in the chair, my hand to my throat, which was now closing in some kind of terror-induced anaphylactic shock. Angela snapped her fingers to bring his attention back to her. Whew. They can’t see you! They cannot see you, Cassie! I reminded myself. Exhale.

She strutted up to him, stood close enough to almost touch his knees with hers.

“Remember, we only pair you with women who want what you want, who crave what you crave, who want to do what you want to do, or who want to try what you want to try.”

He put one hand to the muscles in his neck to give himself a stretchy massage. Wow, he was nervous too.

“So, Mark … how shall we play today?”

How shall we play today? That was sexy. I tucked that phrase away. He looked down at her white pumps, regarding them thoughtfully. I followed his eyes as they made their slow way up her long legs.

“I’ll play however you want to play.”

That’s my boy! I wanted to yell. You can do this, Mark. Angela moved her hand across the front of her dress.

“Why don’t you take your clothes off, Mark?”

“I can get into that.”

He stood, a full six inches shorter than her, to strip.

“You’re a goddess,” he said, kicking his shoes off, looking up into her face looming over him, her breasts level with his eyes. “I don’t care if I’m not supposed to say that. It’s what you are.”

She cupped his chin, but instead of kissing him, she let go and turned to make her way to an ornately carved writing desk. She opened a drawer and took out of it something that looked like a tangle of rope. The only way to describe how she moved was feline. She was a woman who loved being in her body and she was used to being watched. He couldn’t tear his eyes off her. Nor could I. She stood behind the desk now, watching as he ripped off his clothes, pants first.

“Mark, Mark, Mark. You’re stripping like a frat boy. Put your clothes back on and start again, honey.”

He did as he was told. Once dressed, he started again, this time removing his belt more slowly.

“Now you’re a Chippendales dancer? Not sexy.”

“Fuck,” Mark said, clearly pissed at himself.

“Start with your shirt. Just use one hand to undo the buttons. Try that. Look at me the whole time.”

He did, and it was much better. She held the rope in her hands.

“Now the cords,” she said, as he casually undid his belt, leaving it in the loops, and dropped his pants and boxers to the ground.

He lightly kicked them aside. He was clearly ready, but she didn’t draw attention to that fact. She pushed him back into the chair and dangledtwo ropes in front of his face.

“You should be naked too,” he said, nervous laughter escaping.

“I don’t like that word,” she said.

“Naked?”

“No. Should. It’s not popular around here.”

She moved behind him, firmly tying his wrists to the chair. Then she came around the front of him and nudged his thighs open. Keeping her eyes on him, she untied the side knot of her dress. She opened it up to him like an envelope. She had nothing on underneath.

“Let me put it another way,” he said, taking in the whole of her body. “It would be great if you were naked all the time. For the good of mankind.”

She flung her dress off her and stood in front of him, wearing nothing but her white pumps. I watched him taking her in. Then with one hand she squeezed a breast, while her other traveled all over her torso. I was spellbound, feeling her arousal as she gave herself a stir with her own middle finger.

“You’re hard, aren’t you? What are we going to do about that?”

“Holy shit!” he murmured, throwing his head back, his eyes riveted to her hands, her fingers. He wanted to touch her, to reach out to her, but he couldn’t. Even I felt his frustration, his arousal arousing me. I had never felt that before; I hadn’t seen much pornography and I was no voyeur. But this … this was intense. And hot. I sank a little lower in my club chair, slack with desire.

Both feet still in heels, she straddled his legs, leaned over and put her hands on his shoulders, her full breasts touching his chest as she bent to kiss him. She started slowly, languidly, arching her taut body, her ass high in the air. She moved her lips down his neck, stopping every once in a while to gaze into his eyes, to gauge his reaction. He was desperate.

“Do you think you can untie me?” he asked. “Fuck, I’d really like to touch you.”

She thought about his words for a second. Then, kicking off her pumps, she lifted her leg and placed a bare foot carefully on his thigh. One leg propped up like that, she spread herself to him, keeping him an agonizing foot away from what he craved.

“You want to touch me?” she asked. He nodded, trying to keep his eyes on her eyes, but he couldn’t help himself. They traveled down the length of her perfect body to watch what she was doing to herself with her hand.

“I like when a man does this to me,” she said, the muscles in her arm flinching with every circle. “But I also like doing this for myself.”

He made a sound, something between a grunt and a moan.

“You think you could do a better job than I’m doing?”

“Yes …” he said, straining against his ropes; this was killing him.

I felt myself heating up, surprised when my hand rose to my own chest, then dipped into my bra and found my right breast, squeezed slightly. This was so new to me.

I watched as Angela bent her knee more, drawing her cleft closer to his face. She put her hands in his hair, guiding his mouth forward towards her, almost lovingly. The top of his head moved as his mouth found her, and he lapped at her, his eyes gazing up every few seconds over the top of her thigh to check her reaction, his hands still tied behind his back. He was all mouth, only there to please and serve her.

Angela threw her head back. “That’s good … That’s very good, baby,” she cooed, her hips lightly thrusting to match the rhythm of his tongue—and I remembered his mouth on me not so long ago, his hands …

“Holy shit, yeah,” Angela whispered, grinding her hips into his face, his tongue. “Oh … mmm … you’re going to make me come and then … I’m going to fuck you.”

He nodded, weakened. This was like worship, the way his head bobbed rhythmically between her legs until she threw her head back in a spasm, gripping his hair and taking her orgasm from him, and he gave it to her eagerly. Spent, she dropped her foot to reach behind him and with a tug released his hands from their restraints. He immediately wrapped a fist around his erection, his own mounting desire impossible to ignore. Angela moved—a little wobbly—to the nightstand and took out a condom. Returning, she unfurled it on him with one swift movement. Then she straddled herself just above him.

“I’m going to fuck you, Mark,” she said. “You good with that?”

He nodded vigorously, placing his hands on her thighs and guiding her down onto his throbbing head. She seemed to take him in partway, bobbing slightly, agonizing him, but not sliding all the way down.

“Your pussy is fucking perfect,” he crooned, watching her slowly consume him.

“Shh … good boy,” she purred, stroking his hair. She inched down, then, holding his shoulders, slammed onto him, taking his shaft all the way in, as he threw his head back, pressing his fingertips into her thighs. Then it began, her fierce gyrations, her exquisite hips pumping him for everything he had. She was all appetite and he was simply food for her, and he was loving it, probably astonished that his body could provide for a woman like this. She was fucking him, and I could feel myself grow hotter as his fingers dug into her taut flesh, his ropy neck muscles pulsing. At one point, he held her face and kissed her hard, like he needed a hit. After which she gazed down at him over the mounds of her own bouncing breasts, and came. Her cries were barely dying down when he stood, lifting her up in an easy straddle, pivoting, and tossed her onto the bed, making her laugh out loud.

“Nice job!” she said.

Strangely, I felt proud of him in that moment too, I really did. Go for it, Mark, now make her yours!

He stood over her now, slapping her knees apart, his to conquer. He entered her swiftly, sharply. Oh god, she cried out at the same time that I murmured it, my fingers finding myself, doing to myself what he was doing to her. And that’s when I felt it too, watching them. I felt it travel all the way up my body. One hand tangled in her hair, he was relentless as she moaned beneath him, her legs wrapped around his lean waist, her arms flung over her head, letting him fuck her hard like that for a few moments—and soaking me in the process.

Then, in one impressive move, she flipped him over onto his back and she was now straddling him, in control again. He laughed at his pinned arms, using all his strength to lift her forward onto his still-eager mouth, his fingers separating her folds, his head moving in circles. She looked back over her shoulder at his unrelenting erection, flipped around and slid his condom off, the front of her pussy now before Mark’s tongue. When she took him in her mouth, it was mere seconds before he arched beneath her, coming, moaning, “Angela … oh Christ,” lifting his pelvis in service to her. I was awed by her skills, her enthusiasm, as she licked him clean. And when she came yet again, so did I, with an intensity I had never felt before, all my senses exploding, my moans mingling with hers. Collapsing back into my chair, feeling faint, I breathed heavily along with them.

After a pause, Angela crawled off Mark, flopping next to him in the bed. Both their bodies were swallowed up by a cloud of down duvet and pillows. The gentleness with which he held her, the soft way her hand moved up and down his stomach, this now seemed far too intimate to watch. Flushed and satisfied, I quietly exited the room, shutting the door gently behind me. I ducked into a small washroom next door to splash cold water on my face and hands.

My phone said three o’clock. Enough time to stop at the grocery store, pick up some wine, and maybe even rest a little before Jesse was at my place. That boy had no idea how this training session was also about to benefit him.

I wasted almost an hour at the grocery store trying to figure out what to cook, half distracted by Dauphine’s dilemma, but also by the incredible scene I had just witnessed. So when my cab pulled up in front of the Spinster Hotel, I had less than an hour to make bouillabaisse, set the table and take a shower. But having little time to think and pace and ruminate was a good thing. I picked out a pair of faded jeans, a blue silk blouse and silver bangles for my wrists. For some reason I didn’t want Jesse to see my S.E.C.R.E.T. bracelet; it felt odd, too talismanic.

While I was towel-drying my hair with one hand and stirring the soup with my other, the doorbell rang. He was early. Really early. Dammit, dammit, dammit. I threw open my door and there he was: that grin, the stubble, those crinkly eyes, the Cajun accent. I was speechless and … makeup-less. Ugh! And my hair …

“Well, hello there,” he said, ducking through the doorway.

“You’re early.”

“I’m right on time,” he said, kissing the side of my damp head. He smelled so good, like cut grass and summer. “A habit of good single dads everywhere. Never make your kids wait for you; they grow up feeling unimportant.”

“Good rule. But I need a few minutes.”

“For what? You look good to me.”

He handed me flowers and a bottle of wine.

“Sweet peas and cold rosé.”

“Thank you. Lovely.”

My place was small; the kitchen, dining and living area were all one long galley, the bedroom visible through French doors at the end of the room. Jesse’s height also made my place seem like the low-slung attic apartment that it was. Both of us had grins on our faces like we’d just gotten away with something excellent.

“It’s really good to see you.”

He placed a hand on his chest and bit his bottom lip while eyeing me up and down, swaying slightly in his cowboy boots. My face shot hot.

“Really good to see you too. Help yourself to anything. I’m just going to … finish getting ready.”

He kept his eyes on me as I pointed to the bathroom, walking backwards towards it.

“Be right back!” I said, and closed the bathroom door behind me.

I was completely breathless. Holy shit. He’s here. Calm down. I was behaving like a teenager. I turned on the dryer and gave my hair a few minutes of heat before deciding, Fuck it, this is what I look like, this is who I am. I stared myself down in the mirror for one last pep talk, remembering Matilda’s words: He’s just a guy. You’re both just people.

I found him in the middle of setting the table, a tea towel slung over his shoulder, tattoos peeking out from under his T-shirt sleeves. He was carefully spacing out spoons next to mismatched bowls. A warm current spiraled through my body.

“Soup’s almost ready. I hope you don’t mind that I added a bit more bay leaf powder. But don’t be afraid to buy whole leaves. You just pick ’em out after.”

I forgot he was a chef—a pastry chef, but still he knew his way around any kitchen.

“Thanks. I can take over from here. You’re my guest. And you’ve probably had a busy day already with your son. Did you guys do anything fun?”

Breathe.

“Nah, he has some little friends that live nearby. They came over. Played in the backyard while I fixed the lawn mower. Glamorous stuff like that.”

“It actually sounds nice,” I said, cutting up the French loaf and putting it on the table with some sea salt and butter. “I’d love to see some pictures of him.”

“Sure. But first, sit for a bit.”

He could tell I was nervous, flitting around the kitchen, plunking down salt and pepper shakers, wineglasses, pulling out my threadbare linen napkins, wedding gifts from a bygone era. I could barely remember who I was back then.

I lowered myself into the mismatched chair next to him, and my knees skimmed his.

“So. Why’d you bench me?”

“I didn’t … bench you. I put in a request to see you again. Outside of S.E.C.R.E.T. And here you are. You could have turned it down.”

“I’m teasing.” He took a healthy bite out of a slice of bread. “I thought of you from time to time.”

“I thought of you from time to time,” I said, then chomped into some bread myself.

“I’m glad you made the request. Been feeling a little hungry for something … a little more substantial.”

“Me too,” I said. Where was this going? “But … I mean … I don’t have any expectations. I realize how we met. It’s just that I’ve been thinking, of all the people who I … Well, I felt a connection to you. So I … yeah.”

He took the remaining chunk of bread out of my hand and threw it across the room. Then he put out his hands to me.

“I’m thinking I need to get you in your bed right now, Cassie, ’cause I get the sense you’re gonna start thinking about this all too much. And then we’re gonna get all gummed up in that mental machinery of yours.” He gently tapped the side of my head.

“G-good thing you can’t really overcook bouillabaisse,” I stammered, rising unsteadily to my feet.

“Yeah, you can. But who fucking cares?” He bent down to throw me over his shoulder.

I screamed, thrilled and shocked. The Delmonte sisters downstairs probably had glasses to the ceiling to hear better. Fuck them, I thought as he carted me ten feet to my bed and threw me down, causing an eruption of pillows and at least one of the bed legs to thump hard on the floor that was also the sisters’ living room ceiling. He pulled a condom out of his wallet, tossing it next to me.

Okay then.

“The neighbors,” I whispered, as he slowly crawled up my body until I was flanked by two inked arms on either side of my head.

Jesse’s face, which was so open in the kitchen, now took on a darker focus. Hovering over me, he fished around for my wrists, one then the other, pulling them up over my head, capturing them beneath his hands.

“So?”

“So?” Jesse is here, on top of me! Holding me down by my wrists on the bed.

“How do you want to play, Cassie Robichaud?”

I had a heady déjà vu from earlier in the afternoon when Angela asked Mark the same question.

“How do you want to play?” I was feeling out of my league all of a sudden. My heart thumped against my chest. I felt nausea rise. He lowered his groin until he had me fully pinned, his erection hard against my inner thigh. It was unmistakably clear what this was doing to him, for him.

“I’m happy to do anything with you, Jesse. But … I wasn’t looking for some kind of fantasy scenario with you.”

“I know it,” he said, collapsing on his elbow, his eyes now searching and warm, his hands smoothing back my hair. “We don’t have to do anything weird … I’m happy to just … neck.”

It was the way he said it—neck—that caused me to erupt into a fit of giggles. And that made him laugh too.

“Y’all wanna just neck with me?” I said, mimicking his Cajun accent. “Okay, let’s just neck.”

Oh, this was the mouth I remembered, the hungry, searching mouth. He bent to kiss me, to shut me up, really, his palm cradling my head, his fingers entwined in my hair. The other hand slowly unbuttoned my blouse, landing warmly between my breasts, then made its agonizing way down, undoing the buttons of my jeans, sliding them off along with my panties.

“All gone,” he said, slipping a hand underneath me to unclasp my bra, flinging it across the room.

He stood up next to the bed to remove his jeans, then his boxers, making it immediately apparent how much this was turning him on. He took my hand and guided me to him.

“Touch my cock, Cassie,” he whispered. “Say it.”

It was so hard, so smooth.

“Say what?” I said, running my hand up and down his cock.

“Say you want my cock inside of your beautiful pussy,” he murmured, his eyes flashing under my inexpert touch.

I’d never seen him totally naked before, but here he stood over me, all muscles and sinew, tattoos and desire, and he knew he had me, this shameless, potent man.

“What do you want, baby?” he asked.

“I want you inside of me, now,” I begged.

“You want me to fuck you, Cassie?”

“Yes, Jesse.”

“Say it.”

“Fuck me,” I muttered.

“Say, I want you to fuck me hard, Jesse.”

I closed my eyes, my whole body feeling an incredible want, as he pressed my knees apart into the mattress.

“Mmm, look at you and your pretty little pussy,” he drawled. “What’s a guy gotta do to make that his?”

“You know,” I said, wishing sexier words came to me more easily. That was something I could do with Jesse, learn to let go more, be freer …

“Say it, Cassie.”

“Fuck me, Jesse. I want you to fuck me hard …” I said, almost delirious with want.

He bent over the foot of the bed, his mouth moving up my leg to the curve of my inner thigh, his tongue tickling the smooth groove where my tender skin met the line of soft down. God he was teasing me. He was driving me crazy.

“Jesse, fuck me,” I demanded, as his hand caressed my thigh, his thumb slicking down my folds, merely fluttering over my clitoris. The ache becoming too much to bear, my hips began to rock to make him touch where I needed touching, to fuck where I needed fucking. But he merely let a lazy finger grace the opening, finding me so wet I gasped, and I arched fiercely now towards him, never hungrier.

I writhed beneath him as he gathered one of my breasts, my nipple tightening in his cool mouth. He did the same to my other one as I moaned in response, now desperate. And oh, the ache. My knees began to nudge the side of his torso, to maneuver him between my thighs.

“More?”

“Yesss.”

He sat up between my legs to roll on the condom, his taut forearms flinching, his eyes savoring me. I realized why I wanted this man, why I had ached for him, because it was an ache that could be soothed. With Will it was all hunger, one we could never satisfy. I needed Jesse because I wanted Will, and Jesse was the only man to quell that want. In fact, I was going to let him fuck it right out of me.

And he did, entering me sharply, fiercely, sinking into me inch by agonizing inch, his thrusts insistent and growing fiercer as my hips bucked against his. He took my wrists again and pinned them down next to my head.

“You like this?” he said, filling me up, his voice a low growl.

I nodded, feeling like he was actually fucking pleasure into the very end of me. The more he thrust, the more his stomach muscles clenched and contracted, turning his whole body into an oiled piston. My knees bent high to clutch his torso, now coated in a sheen of sweat. Then it happened: my whole core squeezed around him and he could feel it too, his face registering a shock, taking it as a cue to ride me higher still, pump me harder, my clit now pinned between his pelvis and mine, his keening hips kneading it perfectly, beautifully, rolling into a hot build. I wanted to scream as the whole of me surrendered. I was calling “Oh god” as I came, setting him off, his beautiful lips curling as he came hard into me too, saying, “Oh, Cassie … yeah,” neither of us caring about the neighbors or the noise as we finally collapsed, gasping into a heaving pile of limbs.

“I think my heart … stopped. Shh … I need to listen for it,” he mumbled into my hair. “Am I … dead? Can you hear anything?”

“I think you’re gonna be okay,” I said, as he eased out and off me. I shifted to face him, coated in his sweat, and sleepily traced the outlines of the tattoos on his shoulders. I spotted a scar there. He grabbed my fingers.

“How’d you get that?”

“Dirt bike stunt. Fourteen years old,” he said, between kissing my fingertips.

He sat up so I could see his full body paint and turned around to give me a better look at his back.

“Is that an oak tree?”

Almost like adolescents at show and tell, we slid from hot sex to sweet stories as he began to tell me what was behind the more prominent tattoos—the tree whose branches twisted into a skull cradling his shoulder, the other shoulder covered by a cluster of birds.

“Yeah. It’s the oak from my grandma’s property in Kenner. I grew up there after my parents died. This one hurt,” he said, pointing out a beautifully rendered face of a handsome young man on the left side of his rib cage. “My older brother. He taught me how to read when I was ten. Late bloomer. He died in the first Gulf War.” So much tragedy on his body— dead family, old memories. “And that’s my ‘tramp stamp,’” he said, bending to show me his lower back, where indeed the word Tramp was stamped on his sacrum.

“Ha!”

“Were you expecting a butterfly?” he asked.

“I think with you expectations might be a bad idea,” I said. Was I fishing? Was this me seeking assurances that I could have expectations of this man? I wasn’t sure. He stretched out next to me to cuddle.

“That’s probably wise, Cassie,” he said, sounding sincere and serious, throwing his thigh over me. “I was thinking the same thing about you.”

Me? I almost did that female thing, that thing where I reassure him and tell him, Oh no, no, no, I’m here; you can expect things from me. I’m all in. But I knew better. Just because a man has his entire life story drawn out on his skin for all to see, that doesn’t make him an open book. And just because I had sex with him, that didn’t make me his. We were both still carrying shadows from our past into whatever our future held. But for the first time in my life, I was okay with that. I was beautifully, perfectly okay with it.