Shame on Me

CHAPTER 10

He was a really great guy. He was nice and pretty and . . . nice . . .” I trail off as I stare into my wineglass.

“You already said ‘nice.’”

I look up at the bartender and scowl. “Aren’t bartenders supposed to be friendly and helpful? Stop judging me and bring me more wine.”

The bartender walks away and I put my elbow on top of the bar, resting my head on my hand. Sliding my phone across the bar closer to myself, I stare at the blank screen. I double-check the 3G icon at the top to make sure my phone is still working. I feel like I’m in high school again, bringing the receiver of our house phone up to my ear every ten minutes to make sure there was still a dial tone.

It’s been five days since I last saw Matt and four days since I sent him a pathetic text apologizing for lying to him.

And four days since he never replied to my stupid text.

The bartender sets another glass of Moscato in front of me and scurries away, probably afraid I’m going to start crying again. I don’t blame him. I’m pitiful. Since when did I become the type of woman who sits around for days on end waiting for a text from a guy and then imbibes way too much wine to make the pain go away?

I’ll tell you when—when Matt Russo walked into my life.

Okay, fine. I did it with Asshole Andy, but I thought I’d learned my lesson since then. I’d been fine all these months being alone. I was perfectly okay with the fact that I was finally becoming the strong, independent woman I wanted to be. Now I’m sitting at a bar alone downing drinks and staring at my phone, willing it to send me a text from him.

I tried to keep myself busy since I sent him that text. I deleted the incriminating photos of the two of us kissing off of Lorelei’s camera when she was in court so Kennedy would never see them. Looking through those pictures and seeing his lips on me, remembering how they felt, just depressed me even more.

I did some Google searches on Vinnie DeMarco and talked to Ted again in the hopes that he would give me more information on the guy aside from “He’s mean and scary and you should stay far away from him.” The only thing he let slip was that there is a current investigation of the guy being handled by the criminal investigations unit. Something about an illegal gambling ring and stolen property reports leading back to the members. Obviously it’s nothing that will help me prove that Melanie is a cheater. I want so bad to be able to do this for Matt, and the fact that I keep striking out has made me depressed.

I hate that he thinks I’m a liar and that nothing about me was true and honest. I had hoped my text to him would make him realize that I was trying to make things right. Obviously I was wrong. He wants nothing to do with me and I don’t blame him.

Picking up my chilled glass of wine, I chug it and clumsily smack the empty glass down on the bar. When it looks like the bar tips sideways like the Titanic going under, I realize sucking down that glass probably wasn’t the best idea.

My cell phone vibrates and bounces up and down on top of the bar. It takes a few tries before I can get my six hands to grab onto it and see on the display that it’s Lorelei calling.

Wait, I don’t have six hands, do I? This vibration feels funny. I should stick it down my pants and pretend it’s Matt.

“Hey, hang up and call me again so I can pretend it’s Matt in my pants,” I answer with a giggle.

“Oh, my God, are you drunk?” Lorelei asks through the line.

I can hear the annoyance in her voice. Lorelei never gets drunk. Lorelei wouldn’t understand my need to get drunk and forget I ever met Matt Russo.

“I’m not drunk, I’m hammered,” I tell her with a snort.

“Where are you? I’m coming to get you.”

“HEY! BARTENDER!” I yell, pulling the phone away from my ear. He stops stacking glasses behind the bar and walks over to me.

“I don’t think you need a refill,” he deadpans.

“Oh, you’re a funny, funny little man. Where are we?”

He stares at me like I’m an idiot. Screw him! I’m not a drunk; I’m just an idiot. Wait, no. I’m not a drunk; I’m an idiot.

Shit! I’m so drunk.

“This is Mulligan’s. It says so on the glass in front of you. And on the napkin underneath it. And hey, even on this giant neon sign right above my head,” he tells me sarcastically, pointing above him.

Smartass. I blow a raspberry at him like the mature adult I am and hear the faint sound of Lorelei yelling through the phone.

“DON’T GO ANYWHERE! I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

“Did you see that? A light just went on!” I tell Lorelei excitedly.

As soon as Lorelei dragged me out of Mulligan’s with an apology to the bartender for my behavior, she shoved me into her sleek black Mercedes with a firm warning not to puke on her leather upholstery. We left my car in the parking lot and Lorelei promised to bring me back the next day to pick it up. Somewhere between the bar and my condo, I convinced her we needed to go to Matt’s house because it was a matter of life or death.

Let it never be said that “ex-models turned private investigators” can’t act. Even with seven glasses of wine in their systems.

“Amazing. He has electricity,” Lorelei answers, her voice void of emotion.

We’re currently parked right out front of Matt’s house. As soon as we pulled up and Lorelei killed the engine, I tried to convince her that we could better assess the situation from a closer vantage point, say in his bushes, but she immediately vetoed my idea. She muttered something about crazy drunk women and how her colleagues would hang their head in shame at her for listening to me, but I tuned her out. All I cared about was getting a glimpse of him. Just one little peek.

I press my nose against the passenger-side window and spot Matt walking through his living room wearing just a pair of pajama bottoms. He scratches his muscled chest as he walks past the window and disappears from sight.

Never before have I ever wanted to be a hand more than I do right now. Who knew he was packing all of that heat underneath his button-down shirts?

“I cannot believe you convinced me to do this,” Lorelei complains for the tenth time since we pulled up. “Remind me again why we’re parked outside Matt Russo’s house in the middle of the night? Because right now, I am not buying your story that you think he’s in danger. Stop drooling on my window.”

I pull my face away from the glass and turn to face her. She’s not happy with me. I sort of don’t blame her. I’m not happy with myself either now that the alcohol buzz has begun to fade. I may or may not have told a little white lie to convince Lorelei to take a detour on the way to my condo. There might have been a mention of someone stalking Matt, and I might have told her it was the Mob and that they all carry guns and his life could be on the line. And since I’m being honest, I might as well admit that I threatened to throw myself out of her car into oncoming traffic if she didn’t bring me here immediately. In my defense, it was the booze that did all of the talking for me.

Okay. Fine. A little bit of my heart as well. But mostly the booze.

“I just wanted to make sure he was okay. He hasn’t been happy lately,” I mumble, turning away from her just in time to see Matt’s living room window go dark, and I sigh dejectedly that I didn’t get another look at him.

“How do you know he hasn’t been happy lately if this is the first time you’ve seen him since last week when he stormed out of the diner?”

I wince and slowly turn back to face her. I couldn’t keep the guilty look off my face if I tried.

Lorelei’s eyes widen and her jaw drops. “Oh, my God! The Mob isn’t stalking him, YOU’RE stalking him!” she shouts.

“SHHHHHHH! He might hear you!” I whisper. My head whips around and I stare in horror at his front door, expecting him to come bursting out of it any minute and charge over to the car, demanding to know why I’m out here watching him. Actually, now that I think about it, that might not be a bad thing. I’d be able to see his naked chest up close and personal.

“Paige, I highly suggest you never drink again. People make utterly unhealthy life choices when they drink and this just proves it. It’s one o’clock in the morning and we’re parked outside a man’s house because you have some misplaced affection for him.”

“It’s not misplaced. I know exactly where it is,” I tell her stubbornly, crossing my arms in front of me.

“You’ve been stalking him all week, haven’t you?” Lorelei demands.

It’s like she KNOWS I followed him to work once.

Okay, three times. I just wanted to make sure the anger and irritation I saw flashed across his face that first time wasn’t a fluke. And it wasn’t. Each time I saw him this past week he looked exactly the same. Like he would punch anyone who rubbed him the wrong way. I felt responsible for putting that look on his face.

“Will you stop calling it ‘stalking’? That’s such a harsh term. I prefer ‘anonymous following.’”

She clenches her jaw and narrows her eyes at me.

“What is this really about? Is it because Andy won’t leave you alone about the money? Are you just latching yourself onto the first decent guy who comes along to make him jealous or something? This isn’t like you, Paige.”

Letting my head thump back against the headrest, I close my eyes and sigh. She’s right. This isn’t like me.

“It has absolutely nothing to do with Andy. I couldn’t care less if he’s jealous. I just . . . I don’t want to end up like my mother. Seventy years old, bitter, and alone.”

It’s the first time I’ve ever admitted anything like this, and honestly, I didn’t even know it bothered me until I found someone like Matt and then lost him before it even had a chance to go anywhere.

“And who says you will? You’re the only one who has the power over your own life, Paige. YOU control your destiny. I’ll admit, I don’t like the idea that we’re sitting outside of this guy’s house stalk—”

I cut her off with a glare and she huffs in annoyance.

“Anonymously following. I think you’re insane for not telling Kennedy that you’ve strayed from the original investigation, but I guess I understand,” Lorelei tells me softly. “It’s difficult watching Kennedy and Griffin be so in love and not have the same thing for ourselves.”

This little piece of sincerity from Lorelei shocks me into stunned silence. Lorelei has always been adamant about never wanting to fall in love again. She swore off men for the rest of her life because she doesn’t think love is worth the hassle.

It completely throws me that underneath the tough exterior of hers there’s a mushy romantic just like me.

“Can we please just go home so you can sleep off the booze emanating from your pores? All of this honesty tonight makes me want to castrate Andy AND Matt for messing with your heart.”

Okay, maybe not THAT mushy.

“Will you promise not to judge me for the poor choices I made while intoxicated?” I beg.

Lorelei starts up the car and pulls away from the curb. “I promise. I’ll even help you figure out a way to get Matt to forgive you, if that’s what you really want. One that doesn’t involve anonymous following or calling a bartender a dick.”

“I should probably go back and apologize for that, huh?”