Sharing You

5

Kamryn

May 16, 2015

BRODY LEFT TWENTY minutes later when my first customer came in, but not before getting my phone number and promising to call. It didn’t make sense to be swapping phone numbers given what we’d just confessed—we knew that. But we also knew that in those first seconds after I’d run into him and he’d caught me, we were both already completely lost in each other. And though there were red flags flying up all over the place, this feeling that was drawing us together was strong enough that we were both knowingly, and willingly, ignoring every one of them.

Brody and I knew we wouldn’t be able to talk often, and I had been prepared for that. But I’d had no idea how hard it would be to wait for his call. It was Thursday night, Kinlee and I were out for coffee again, and I hadn’t heard from him once.

“What is going on with you today?”

My head snapped up to look at Kinlee. “What do you mean?”

“You haven’t said more than two words, you just keep checking your phone. Do you have somewhere you need to be?”

“No, no, I’m fine. I’m sorry, I’m just so distracted. I haven’t talked to Barbara in a while, and I get antsy when I don’t.” Part of that was true. I hadn’t talked to Barb in exactly one week. But that wasn’t why I couldn’t stop checking my phone.

I’d put it on silent, not even wanting to risk it vibrating while I was out with Kinlee, and yet I still couldn’t stop checking it. I was ready to take off running out of the coffee shop if he called. Half terrified that Brody would call while I was with her, half wishing he would just call already . . . it was safe to say I was going a little crazy.

“She’ll call, she always does. Are you worried about her or something? The way you’re acting is starting to make me anxious, and I don’t even know her.”

I started to say no but stopped myself. “Uh, yeah, I kinda am. Like I said, I haven’t heard from her in a while, and she’s not in the best situation back home. But I’m sure she’s fine, she’s the sweetest woman you’ll ever meet, but she’s tough as nails.”

Kinlee fidgeted in her chair as she studied me before shooting me a smile. “Then cheer up, friend!”

I tried to smile as I glanced at my phone again.

“Hey, why don’t you go back and visit, or have her come visit you?”

“You know I can’t, I barely have enough free time as it is with two helpers in the bakery, and I’m not making enough to hire someone else on yet. And she definitely can’t come here, she, uh, she works for some assholes. They’d never give her time off to come see me.”

“That sucks.” Kinlee tsked. “Why don’t you ever talk about your parents? What happened to them?”

“Just never had a good relationship with them, you know? Barb’s the only one I talk to from back home.”

“And let me guess, home is someplace far, far away . . . out east . . . not here . . . somewhere you don’t want to think of again?” she teased as her phone on the table started to chime and she picked it up.

I laughed softly, thankful to her for taking my mind off the call I still hadn’t gotten. “Pretty much.”

“Now, you know I think it’s good for everyone to have their secrets, but I’ve got to know: Where you’re from, was it really that bad, or do you just think I’ll judge you?”

Both. Definitely both. “It’s just someplace I’d like to forget.”

“All right, all right, I hear ya.” She gasped and brought her phone even closer to her face. “You told Aiden you didn’t want a relationship right now?!”

“Uh, yeah.” Not exactly in those words, but same meaning.

“What was wrong with him? He’s freakin’ hot and super sweet!”

“You’re right, he is. But I felt about him the same way I feel about Jace. He’s just friend material.”

“Okay, there has to be something I’m missing!” Her hand flailed out in my direction and started counting off. “It’s been at least eight months since you’ve been with someone. Jace and I have introduced you to tons of guys—all of whom you haven’t liked. Aiden is crazy hot, you can still wear your heels with him, and he’s the first guy you haven’t had something bad to say about. Those are five things that are confusing the hell out of me. Unless you’re gay—then this would all finally make sense and I could stop wondering what’s stopping you.”

I laughed lightly. “I’m not gay.”

“Then what the hell is stopping you? You’re twenty-three, you are by far the most gorgeous person I’ve seen in real life, I would kill to look like you, you’re sweet, and you’re really funny when you open up to people. So tell me.”

I’m falling for your brother-in-law harder than I have for anyone in my entire life. And I can’t even tell you about it. “I was in a relationship for six years before I moved here, one that I didn’t want to be in. This is the first time I’ve been alone in my adult life, and I’m enjoying it. Besides, it’s not like I’m a hermit. I own a bakery that I’m at for ten to sixteen hours a day, depending on the day, and I have you and Jace. I’m too busy for a relationship.”

“Six years? And you didn’t even want to be in it? Why were you with—Oh, God, was it like a Brody situation? Were you married to him? Oh, wait, no, that’s not right, you would have been what . . . sixteen, seventeen?”

My heart fluttered at the mention of Brody. Another glance at my phone confirmed that he still hadn’t called. “Yeah, no, not married. I didn’t have a choice in dating him, though.”

One dark brow shot up.

“Bad relationship with my parents,” I said by way of an explanation.

“Jeez, what did they do? Sell you off to his family or something?”

Laughing—because she wasn’t too far off—I emptied my caramel latte. “Something like that.”

Kinlee studied me for a few moments before asking, “You’re being serious, aren’t you?”

“Told you. Home’s a place I’d like to forget.”

ONCE I WAS back at the condo and in a pair of sleep shorts and a stretchy tank top, I walked into the kitchen and stared in the fridge and then the pantry for a few minutes before just grabbing the box of granola. It wasn’t like I didn’t have tons of things I could make, but my mind was just so all over the place that I could barely figure out how to put the granola and milk in the bowl without spilling it onto the counter.

By the time I finished and cleaned the bowl it was half past eight and I was too keyed up to even attempt to sleep. I tried watching TV, but nothing was holding my attention. I grabbed my Kindle, but realized ten minutes later that I didn’t even know what book I was reading. With a frustrated sigh, I set the Kindle down and walked back into the kitchen. Planting both hands on the kitchen island, I stared down at my phone and willed it to ring. With a miserable-sounding laugh, I let my head fall onto one arm and chastised myself for being like a middle schooler with a crush. What was happening to me? Obviously, whatever was happening between Brody and me was unlike anything I’d ever experienced, but I couldn’t believe I’d been reduced to a ridiculous girl glaring at her phone and not being able to do or think of anything else because of him.

I’d just let myself start believing I was going to go another night without hearing from him when my phone rang, causing me to jump back from the counter and reach for it without looking at the screen.

“Hello?” I asked breathlessly.

“Hey, baby girl!”

I hung my head and rubbed at the back of my neck. “I was wondering when I’d hear from you again, Barb.”

“Aw, have you been missing me?”

“Of course.”

She laughed and sighed. “I miss you every day, Kam. But I’m glad you’re out of here. And before you go telling me you’re sorry for leaving me again, you might as well pick up where we left off last week when you hung up on me. I want to hear more about this Aiden boy.”

“Ah, Aiden. Yeah, I’m not so sure about that one, Barb.”

MY HAND FLOPPED around on my nightstand later that night until I hit the offending device and brought it to my ear. “Mmm, ’lo?”

“God, I woke you up. I’m so sorry, go back to sleep.”

I shot up in my bed and looked over at the clock. It was after midnight. “Brody?”

He sighed softly. “Hey, KC, I’m sorry it took so long to call. Honestly, I didn’t think I was even going to be able to tonight, we’re never this busy. But go to sleep, I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“No, no. It’s fine. How are you?”

“At the risk of sounding cliché?” he asked, laughing huskily. “I’m better now that I’m talking to you.”

I smiled widely in my dark bedroom and rested my forehead in my hand, my elbow on my knee. I’d talked to Barb for thirty minutes and finally forced myself to bed at ten, coming to terms with the fact that I’d been played by Brody, and baffled that it hurt so bad. I tried to tell myself it didn’t matter, that I really didn’t care. I would just go on with my life as I had been and try to push the thought of Brody away. Not that I could. I hardly knew him, but I knew no one would ever come close to making me feel the way I did with Brody. But even knowing and feeling what I did, it didn’t stop the insecurities from creeping in. The fact that I hadn’t heard from him since the day we’d put all our feelings out there had been slowly pushing the thought forward that all this had been a game to him. The long wait made me second-guess everything. The way I felt when he was near or looked at me, the way it felt when he held me, the sincerity in his voice that morning in my bakery. All of it was slowly replaced with doubt and fear that I’d thought everything up. I’d never been insecure in anything, and being insecure in this—about him—was terrifying me beyond reason. By the time I’d fallen asleep, I’d been rubbing at my aching chest and telling myself over and over again that if he did ever call, I wouldn’t bother answering or playing this game with him.

But then I heard his voice, and all of that went away. The insecurities seemed redundant, the torture of waiting for his call seemed like nothing, and I knew in a heartbeat I’d do it all again.

“Me too,” I replied honestly. “What was so busy about tonight?”

“We had a five-car wreck on the highway right after I got on, a family assault not ten minutes after that finished up, a seven-year-old boy went missing and ended up being under his bed, and my favorite was at Mr. and Mrs. Andrew’s.”

He’d ended the last on a laugh, and my eyebrows rose. “Oh, really? And what happened with them?”

“Tonight it was throwing hot tea on his, uh, manhood because she didn’t feel like having sex.”

“Lord! Seriously? Poor Mr. Andrew. You said tonight, do you deal with them often?” What was it about this man? We hadn’t talked in days and now were talking about his job—and yet, I couldn’t remember being happier than I was in that moment.

“Oh, yeah, they’re my favorites. He’s eighty-six, she’s eighty-three, and they’ve been together since she was fifteen. Absolutely madly in love, have a great family, lots of kids, tons of grandkids, but they like keeping it interesting. I think they get lonely now that it’s just them, so whenever they do something to each other, they call the cops and make it dramatic. Like last week, she called because he wanted some kind of vegetable and she didn’t feel like cooking it. So she threw the can of corn she’d been planning on cooking at him; it missed him and ended up breaking a window and she wanted him arrested.”

I laughed out loud. “Oh, my God, they sound great.”

Brody was silent for a moment. “I really like your laugh.”

My cheeks warmed and my smile softened as I admitted, “I was afraid you wouldn’t call.”

“Shit, KC, I’m sorry. Nights are never this busy in Jeston. The Andrews’ house is one thing, but all of that on one night is rare, and I literally just finished all the reports when I called you. I’ve been dying to call you, and almost did yesterday, but Olivia didn’t leave home once because she was getting ready for this trip she left for tonight with her parents.”

“It’s fine. I mean, it’s what we have to do, right? It’s not like I have the right to talk to you whenever I want.”

“I wish that wasn’t the case,” he said softly, and didn’t talk again for a long moment. “Can I see you again soon?”

“Please?” I laughed lightly. “When?”

“Now.” I laughed again, and he added quickly, “I’m sorry, I forgot what time it is. Um, how about—”

“No, I want to see you,” I practically blurted, and held my breath for the few seconds it took for my heart to calm down enough so I could speak again. “Do you . . . did you want to come over?”

“Yeah,” he breathed. “Yeah, KC, I do.”

After giving him directions to my house and telling him I’d leave the garage open so he could park his patrol car in there—just in case I had any nosy neighbors—I jumped out of bed and tried to get ready for him to come over. Fortunately for him, and unfortunately for me, he had to pass by my neighborhood on his way home and he was already less than five minutes away.

Not having time for much of anything, I put on a bra, pulled my hair back in a ponytail, and did the essentials before heading into the kitchen. I was about to get a glass of water when I heard an engine in the garage and went to open the door that led from the garage to the laundry room. His big black-and-white patrol Tahoe pulled in next to my forest-green SUV, and I had to admit, I liked seeing them next to each other.

As soon as his car was off, I pressed the button for the garage door and watched him exit the Tahoe. The second he rounded the back of it and looked up at me, that crooked smile crossed his face and I’m pretty sure I melted into the door frame.

Brody’s smile broadened when he got closer to me. I’m pretty sure he knew what he was doing to me just by being near me. “Hi, KC.”

“Hi.” I smiled like an idiot and finally stepped back when I realized we were just standing there staring at each other. “Uh, come on in. Can I get you anything to eat or drink?”

“I’m good.”

His gray eyes didn’t leave mine as we walked into the kitchen, and we fell back into a silence. Neither of us knew what to say or do now that we were near each other again. I drummed my fingers on the island and forced myself to stay on the side opposite him rather than going to him like my body was craving.

“How’ve you been?” he asked at the same time I said, “Can you stay for a while?”

“Do you want me to?” When I nodded shyly, he smiled again. “I’ll stay as long as you want me to. Liv and her parents are in Washington until Monday morning.”

Throughout most of the years I’d dated Charles, I couldn’t wait for him to leave or drop me off back home. So why, after having been around this man for only about an hour total, was I already wishing he would never have to leave?

“You can make yourself comfortable. If you want to take off your gear, you can put it on the table.” I nodded over to the large rectangular kitchen table behind him. “Or you can stay in it, it’s totally up to you. I just figured, since I’m in my pajamas and you look like you’re about to arrest me, I’d give you the option. I don’t know why I said that—you know what, I’m just going to shut up.” Oh, my God, Kamryn! Shut up!

Brody’s warm laugh filled my kitchen, and I dropped my head into my hands after planting my elbows on the island. Biting back my embarrassed groan, I peeked through my fingers when I heard movement and let my hands fall from my face as Brody began taking off his gear. His gray eyes met and held mine as he unbuttoned his uniform shirt and slowly removed it. It felt like I was getting the best striptease of my life, and he was still fully dressed underneath.

His already gravelly voice was even huskier as he reached for the Velcro straps on the sides of his bulletproof vest. “If we’re going to take this slow, you really need to stop looking at me like that.”

My teeth released the lip I hadn’t realized I was biting down on, and heat instantly crawled up my neck and cheeks. I spun around so my back was facing him, silently cursing myself for how awkward I’d made tonight already, and pushed away from the island to grab a glass from the cupboard. As I was filling it up with water from the tap, I felt Brody come closer and turned to find him occupying the space against the counter where I’d just been.

It felt like I was fighting going to him, and it was draining me to stay away from him. The heavy silence filled the space between us, and for the life of me I couldn’t think of anything to say to him that seemed appropriate for us at this early stage of our . . . us-ness. I wanted him to hold me, I wanted to feel his full lips pressing against mine. I wanted to know what he wanted out of life—and yet, we still needed to get to know each other. We needed to figure out what exactly we were going to do. We needed to talk about everything we’d left unsaid the other morning in the bakery. None of this was making sense. It felt like we were way beyond this stage. Beyond having to take things slow and forcing ourselves to not go to each other. But we weren’t there yet. He was married. We weren’t technically anything. We just were.

I simply didn’t know how to start from the beginning when I already knew how we both felt about each other.

“This is ridiculous,” he finally said. “KC, I need you in my arms. Pulling you to me feels like the most natural and needed action right now. And to be keeping myself from doing that is taking every ounce of energy I’ve got and all my concentration. We’ll take this slow, I swear to you we will. But I need to be able to touch you again.”

I’d barely set the glass down on the counter before launching myself at him. My arms went around his neck and his hands crushed me to his body. I felt the rumble build in his chest and his lips went to my ear.

“I’ll take that as a confirmation that I wasn’t the only one having trouble staying away?”

Leaning back enough so I could look in his stormy gray eyes, I couldn’t even be embarrassed about my assault on him. He was still gripping me to him tight enough to let me know he needed me close, but not so hard that it was painful.

“I think we’re gonna find out real soon that neither of us is the only one feeling a certain way about the other,” I whispered, and a smile pulled at my lips. “I felt like I didn’t know what to talk to you about. I kept thinking how was I supposed to start a conversation with you when I can’t find the happy medium between getting to know you and already knowing that I need you.”

His lips tilted up into a soft smile, and one of his hands left my waist to brush loose hair from my face. “You need me.” It wasn’t a question, but I nodded my head anyway. “This is what I’ve been needing. You, exactly where you are now, reassuring me I’m not crazy for what I feel for you and what we’re about to go through.”

My hands slid from his neck down to the black undershirt covering the lean muscles of his chest. “If you’re crazy, then I’m right there with you . . . but I think we need to figure out what exactly it is we’re about to go through.” His smile fell, but acceptance settled over his features as I continued. “Because I don’t know what we are, what we’re going to be, what we’re doing—and I need to. Despite my feelings for you, Brody, this whole situation is terrifying for me. And with how hard it already is to stay away from you . . . well, I can’t go into this blindly. I can’t just know that we want each other and be okay with it—we need to talk about what that means for us.”

“I agree,” he mumbled as he twisted more of my hair away. “But first, there’s something that’s been bothering me. What’s your name?”

My eyebrows pinched together, and I automatically answered, “KC.”

“But those are just initials.”

“Yeah, but that’s what everyone calls me.” It felt like I was going to throw up once I knew what he was asking, and though I knew how stupid that was, I couldn’t shake that sinking feeling. No one in Oregon knew my name. But Brody’s different, I kept telling myself.

“I don’t want to call you what everyone else calls you. Not when I’ve already admitted things I probably never should have said out loud. Not when I’m about to ask you for so much more and hope like hell that you don’t think I’m crazy for wanting something I shouldn’t be allowed to have. So, please, what’s your name?”

“Kamryn,” I whispered, then cleared my throat to say, louder, “My name’s Kamryn.”

“Thank you.” That crooked smile crossed his face as he pushed me back toward the opposite counter near the sink and placed his hands on the counter on either side of me, caging me in. Dipping his head, his gray eyes looked directly into mine as his soft voice filled the space between us. “I have been thinking about my life, my situation, and you ever since I ran into you at my brother’s house. No matter how you think about this, it seems wrong, and I know it won’t be easy for us—and if you’ll go through this with me, I’m so sorry for putting you through this in advance. But I need you to know some things before I even ask you to do this.”

“Okay,” I said warily, waiting for him to continue.

“Kamryn, I need you to know that I don’t do this. I’m not this guy. I’ve been faithful to my wife even though we’ve had a shitty marriage. I need you to know that I haven’t slept in the same bed as her for almost five years, we’ve been married for almost six, and the first year of our marriage I was away in the Army. Even still, I have always been faithful to her and never even given another woman a second glance . . . until you.”

“I don’t . . .” I trailed off, shaking my head quickly. “I don’t understand why you’re married to her then. Jace and Kinlee said she was horrible, and with what you just said, I just don’t . . . it doesn’t make sense.”

“Olivia and I have been together since high school. When I left for the Army after we graduated, we stayed together for two completely different reasons. For me, it was convenient to have someone when I visited home. For her, she liked dating someone her parents hated. But it was just a title, and someone to fool around with when I was here, nothing more. Then she got pregnant, and I figured if I was man enough to get her pregnant, I was man enough to marry her.”

My stomach clenched and dread filled me. I couldn’t do this to a child, I couldn’t break up a kid’s parents.

“I wasn’t going to let her go through that alone. But that entire first year after we got married she wouldn’t even see me, and she wouldn’t let me see our son until I left the military and bought a house for us. Once that happened, we shared a bed for a few months, but we still didn’t share a bed most of that time. After those first few months of living together, we went to separate rooms, and it’s been that way since.”

“You have a kid?” I breathed.

A dark look fell over Brody’s face, and he slowly shook his head back and forth. “No, I don’t.”

The pain and hardness in his voice had my body tightening, and I knew it was a sensitive subject for him. Whatever had happened, it was clear that Brody wasn’t ready to tell me. “Then if you don’t have any kids, why are you still with her?”

“Because I married her, and there’s been a lot of hard times for us. I couldn’t just leave her.”

A harsh breath left me, and my eyebrows slammed down. “Then once again, Brody, what is the point of all this? If you’ve stayed married to someone like her, and just admitted to me you couldn’t leave her before, why are you here? Why are we doing this—whatever this is? I don’t know what I was expecting from you, but from what you said the other day, it wasn’t this. I’m sorry, but I’m not okay with being someone’s mistress!”

“Kamryn, no! You’re not getting it. Yes, I stayed with her even though my life has been hell over the last five years since I’ve been back in Oregon, but I thought it was my punishment, and it was a punishment I would have gladly paid for the rest of my life if I’d never met you. But I did.”

“Punishment?” I whispered, my voice barely audible.

Brody continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “Kamryn, if—if I’m not the only one feeling this, needing this, then I’ll leave Olivia to be with you, and not once for the rest of my life will I regret my decision in doing that. But it’s going to take time. Olivia has some issues, and there are things I have to work through with her first to make sure she’ll be okay when I do leave. She spends most of her time with her parents anyway, but I just need to make sure she’ll go to them rather than do something stupid. Her family is vicious, so we’ll need to be quiet until I can file for divorce. I know this is asking a lot of you—to be patient with me before we can be completely together. If you can’t do that and you want to wait until I’m already divorced, then we’ll wait. But if not, I told you on Monday, this isn’t going to be an affair, for me this is all or nothing.”

My mouth opened, but no words came out as I stared into his sincere gray eyes. I believed he wasn’t the type of guy to normally do this, and if he said he was all in, then there wasn’t a part of me that worried he was lying to me about leaving Olivia. I still didn’t want to be the person who broke up someone’s marriage, but I had to agree wholeheartedly with what he’d said earlier this week . . . I would be insane to walk away from this.

The old Kamryn would have run in the opposite direction as fast as she could, and I knew Barbara and Kinlee would never approve, but I also knew that going through life and never again feeling the way he made me feel would be the opposite of living. No matter how happy I’d been here in Jeston before I met him, I could never go back to the way I’d been.

“I can’t believe I’m about to say this,” I whispered and lowered his head so his forehead was pressed against mine. “If it’s with you, Brody, then I want it all. I agree we need to be quiet about it. I don’t want to be seen as the girl who ruined your marriage to anyone. Your family, friends, Olivia, her family . . . I don’t want to be that person.”

“You’re not, and you won’t. I wouldn’t do that to you, and I’ll protect you from any fallout from leaving her, all right?”

“This is crazy,” I breathed.

“I’ll be right there with you through all the crazy.”

I worried my bottom lip, and it felt like we both stopped breathing in those few seconds before I nodded my head and said, “Okay, Brody.”

His eyebrows shot up, and his grip on my waist tightened. “Okay?”

“Okay.”

He pressed his lips against my forehead, then moved back to look me in the eye. “That word has never sounded so good.”

WE STAYED LIKE that before eventually making our way to the couch, where we talked for hours into the morning. Now that we knew what we were doing, we were trying to make up for all the getting-to-know-each-other time we had lost. He told me all about his childhood and time in the Army, and I shared stories of Barb and what made me want to open the bakery. Not once did our hands leave some part of each other, and never once did we go past that. And when I rested my head on the back of the couch and rubbed my eyes under my glasses, he stood up and pulled me up with him.

“I’ve kept you up way too long, I’ll let you get some sleep.”

I grunted my dislike for that idea. “No, it’s all right. I’m not ready for you to go.”

He pulled me into his arms, and I felt more than heard his chuckle. “Your accent gets thicker the more tired you get.” When my body stiffened, he ran his hand over my back and leaned away to look at me. “Why is that a bad thing? I love it, you have no idea how sexy your drawl is.”

“Because it’s a part of home,” I answered after a while. “And I don’t like or want anything from there.”

Brody’s eyebrows pinched together, but he nodded instead of prying. “Maybe one day you’ll tell me why?”

A yawn interrupted my answer, and I was thankful for its timing. I buried my head in his chest, and he rubbed at my back.

“Come on, you need sleep.” Following him over to the table in the kitchen, I watched as he put the rest of his uniform back on, then walked with him to the garage. “Can I come see you tomorrow night?”

“I was hoping you would.”

He smiled and pulled me back into his arms, one hand going up to cup my neck, his thumb brushing along my jaw. “Then I’ll be here after work. Thank you for tonight.”

His breath washed over my mouth, and my lips parted in anticipation. I watched his eyes darken as the movement caught his eye. His chest rose and fell heavily as the air thickened around us, and I was close to begging him to kiss me. The hand at the small of my back pushed me closer to his body and the thumb at my jaw stopped moving—and I swear I stopped breathing until his eyes snapped back up to mine and realization hit them.

“Sweet dreams, Kamryn.”

I suppressed my whimper when his arms released me and told myself that we needed to keep this slow.

Offering him a small smile, I leaned up against the doorjamb as I watched him walk to his Tahoe. “Drive safe, Brody. I’ll see you later tonight.”

It shouldn’t have been that hard to watch him walk away. It shouldn’t have felt that wrong for him to leave at the end of the night. But it did, and I just had to hold out until I saw him again later. Already the hours separating our time together felt like they’d never pass.