Shiver : 13 Sexy Tales of Humor and Horror

Chapter 1

I sat in the teachers’ lounge of Montgomery Elementary School enjoying my hot cup of disastrous coffee. It tasted like what I imagine tar mixed with gravel would taste like. We needed to dethrone the school secretary, Mrs. Kramer, and lobby Dunkin Donuts to build a store in the school. Good coffee and tasty donuts every morning would make teaching more bearable. Especially when I had to deal with evil-spawn children on a daily basis.

I’d been teaching at the school since graduating college and had been upgraded this year to first grade instead of kindergarten. Okay, it wasn’t that much of an upgrade, but I didn’t think I could handle teaching fifth grade considering my math skills ended with simple addition and subtraction. And that was usually with the help of a calculator.

My name, Moxie Summers, meant determined or vigor. And I was determined… determined to drink something better than the battery acid Mrs. Kramer called coffee.

“Hey, Triple Titties. What’s up?” my best friend and co-worker Renee said as she entered the teachers’ lounge.

“Don’t be hating on the girls.” I motioned to my chest. “You’re just jealous because God didn’t bestow unto you the greatness of plump breasts, even though you have Miss America good looks.”

“Moxie, your breasts aren’t plump; they take up and entire football field.”

“Perfect. Better for guys to put their balls onto.” I laughed and took another sip of coffee.

Okay, so maybe my name should have meant bigmouthed and crass instead.

Yes, my breasts were big, but they balanced out my size sixteen frame. I thought Renee secretly admired my long red hair and the junk in my trunk. I loved my best friend, but if you blew air on her she’d tip over. However, Renee’s long brown hair, green eyes, and stick thin body weren’t exactly a deterrent for keeping men at bay. Renee and I met my first day teaching and we quickly became best friends. I was the only child and Renee was the closest thing I had to a sister. What other person would pretend to be your lesbian lover just to ward off nasty guys who were trying to hit on you? Renee was also a good yin to my yang as we balanced out each other’s personalities.

“And I wonder on a daily basis how Miles puts up with you.” She snickered while pouring herself a cup of crap coffee.

“The beautiful Adonis has no complaints when this Jewish princess rides him like a stallion.”

Renee rolled her eyes and joined me at the table. “It’s because you give him great head.”

“Well there’s that, too.” I smirked.

“I give the man a lot of credit. After emptying the contents of your stomach on him and asking him about hairy testicles, he still wanted to cuddle up to your Pound Puppy.”

Renee loved that I could conjure up different names for the female genitalia. Pound Puppy, cooch canoe, triangle of heaven, and my favorite, putang.

“Excuse me, but the tall hunk of Miles meat couldn’t resist my charm. Plus, I have a complete weakness for brown-haired, blue-eyed guys. It was meant to be that I upchucked on him. I was marking my territory.”

I did have a heavy thing for dark hair and light eyes. I dated a couple of blonds in my time and was freaked out when I saw the lack of pubes they had going on down south. I really lost it when I dated a fellow red head. I mean my drapes matched the color of my rug, but on a guy it just seemed wrong.

“I thought you peed on something to mark your territory.” Renee smiled.

“Listen, bitch, it was only the one time and the guy was about to run off with my new bike. I had to protect my property. Not to mention the fact I desperately had to piss, and it saved me from going up to my apartment.”

Renee took a sip of coffee and winced. “But your bike smelled like piss for weeks afterward. Who took a shit in the coffee maker this morning?”

“Mrs. Kramer and her fantastic barista skills.” I gave her a thumbs-up in jest.

“Does she not understand teachers need a healthy dose of caffeine if they are expected to deal with insubordinate students?”

“Put it on the list of gripes for the staff meeting.”

“Right,” Renee scoffed. “Like we’re allowed to say anything at those meetings. Not with the hoochie bitch Amber leading the meeting.”

“It’s like we have our own personal Stalin running the meetings.”

Amber was my elementary school arch nemesis. Scratch that. She was my life nemesis. The bleach blond, orange spray tan, hoebag tried to scheme and plot her way into breaking Miles and I up earlier this year. She used my insecurity about my weight to conspire her way into Miles’s bed. It didn’t work, and I am convinced the bleach she used on her hair must have seeped into her brain and destroyed the few brain cells she had left.

My phone buzzed on the table and I checked the caller ID. It was Ryan, my other best friend. Ryan and I became tight after I’d shamelessly hit on him at a New Year’s Eve party. I was smashed and could have blamed it on the alcohol, but I took a chance only to find out he preferred large sausages. Another beautiful man unobtainable to females because he played for the other team. It was a sad day for women everywhere.

“Hey, salami sucker.”

“Hey, beautiful Moxie girl.”

Ryan and I had a thing about insulting each other during our greeting. It was a sign of love rather than of malice. His voice had a sickening sweet tone he used only when it benefited him the most.

“What do you want?” I said with an edge to my voice.

“What? Can’t a guy compliment a beautiful lady?”

“Maybe if I had a big beautiful penis, then yes, I would believe you. But since I’m not a gay man, I would say the compliment means you want something, so spill.”

“You know me too well.” He sighed.

“It's a good thing your boyfriend and I put up with your shit, or you'd be left to die in a Michael Kors dressing room.”

“That isn’t a necessarily bad way to go. Although, it would be in the Top Shop dressing room, not Kors. Listen, I’ve got these tickets for a weekend getaway, and I wanted to invite you, Renee, and your respected loved ones to join Tom and me.”

“Amazing! Where to?”

“It’s a weekend at Sullivan Manor just over into the Wisconsin border. They do a mystery whodunit weekend over Halloween. We all get characters to play, and we have to solve a murder mystery.

I rolled my eyes at Renee as she scooted in closer so she could listen to Ryan’s end of the conversation. “A murder mystery… so it’s all right if I kill you for including me in this stupid idea.”

“Come on, it’ll be fun! We’ll get new identities for the weekend and be all sleuthy.” Ryan whined like a two-year-old when he didn’t get his way.

“Is sleuthy even a word?”

“Probably not. But I need a break from the TV station, and so does my co-worker aka your boyfriend. Plus, it will give Tom the opportunity to bitch about someone else’s cleaning habits.”

“I’ll chat with Renee and get back to you. What’s the theme for the mystery anyway?”

“Murder at a High School Reunion.”

“Ryan, I hated high school the first time around. Why the hell would I want to relive it?”

“Just because you were the antisocial Goth girl in high school doesn’t mean you have to be one at the party.”

“I wasn’t Goth! I just wore a lot of black. It was slimming.” And with that I ended the call, making sure to press the end button with extra oomph.

I wish I could forever erase my time in high school. Memories of braces, perms, and Tommy Sullivan trying to get to second base behind the bleachers clouded my mind. I had been excited a boy was into me. Until I found out Steven Sanders bet him ten bucks and a Twinkie to touch my boobs. If he were smart he would have asked for the Ding Dongs and the Twinkies.

Renee looked at me with curious eyes.

“Ryan wants us to go to one of those murder mystery parties for Halloween.”

“I’ve always wanted to do one of those!” she said with a squeal.

It reminded me of an Orca whale and a feral cat, and I groaned.

“I guess it’s a whole weekend event at Sullivan’s Mansion in Wisconsin.”

“Oh, I hear it’s totally haunted.”

“I don’t think it’s haunted, but I’m still scared the shit of it. It’s Wisconsin for God sake.”

“Why is Wisconsin scary?”

“A state that has too many cows means someone has to slaughter them all, which means there are ghost cows mooing in the fields.”

Renee stared at me for a moment. “Did you talk to your therapist today?”

I flipped her off just before our principal, Mrs. James, came in.

“Good morning, girls. Where’s the coffee?”

“Mrs. James, since I think you’re the coolest principal out there, I’ll save you from drinking the sludge they consider coffee.”

“Mrs. Kramer made it again, didn’t she?” She sighed.

Both Renee and I nodded.

“Damn,” Mrs. James hissed. “The woman can organize files like no other, but when it comes to making coffee it’s like she dug up a dead body and ground it into a pot. Anyways, are both of you ready for the school Halloween party?”

I was not a fan of Halloween parties. I think it’s because I was traumatized by Rachael McCoy’s Halloween party in the third grade. She made everyone play this game where we had to stick our hands in bags that were labeled things like “brains” and “eyeballs,” when it was just food. I was caught eating the “intestines,” which were licorice rope. The other kids made fun of me for days after.

“Yeah, about that, Mrs. James. I feel like I’m coming down with typhoid fever. I might have to take a sick day.” I moaned and put my hand on my forehead for emphasis.

“Moxie, If you were on your death bed, I would still get you for the Halloween party even if I had to tape your body upright to a pole,” she said.

“But Mrs. James—” I whined.

“Moxie it’s the party or you’re on bus duty all winter.”

“Morning or afternoon shift?”

“Both.”

“You don’t play fair, Mrs. James, but”—I pointed my finger at her—“you’re a worthy opponent.”

“See you ladies later. I need to see about getting Starbucks delivered,” she said, walking out the door.

“See…” I turned back to Renee. “Even our fearless leader needs quality caffeine.”

“Again, good luck bringing that up in the staff meeting,” Renee said.

“I’m not afraid.” I stood and gathered my things. “Amber is like a monkey. I’m sure she’s used to shit being thrown at her.”

Chapter 2

I pulled up into Miles’s driveway about two hours after I left school. Miles moved out of the city a few months ago so his son Dilion could have more room to run around and “be a boy.” Miles had moved with Dilion from Maine after his wife was killed in a car accident two years ago. After I vomited on Miles at our unusual first meeting at the bar, I had been surprised to see Miles again, this time as the widower father of my new student Dilion. I went on to form a great relationship with Dilion who was much smarter than his seven years gave him credit for. The boy knew more than I did. Okay, sometimes a flea knew more than I did, so I supposed that wouldn’t be the best comparison.

I loathed driving from the city into the suburbs. Taking the train would be better, but then I’d be stuck without a car and places were too far apart to walk. The grocery store was a mile away, for crying out loud. That was like when my ancestors walked from Egypt to the Holy Land, forty days and forty nights. Therefore, I’d been stuck in traffic, looking at the guy in the car next over as he picked his teeth. I swore he picked his entire lunch out of there.

I pulled my house keys out of my purse and let myself in. Yes, I had my own set of keys to Miles’s house. After a night of hot sex, he presented me the keys and said I had all access to his dick anytime I wanted. After kneeing him in the nuts for that comment, he apologized by going out at three in the morning to buy Funky Monkey ice cream for me. Good man.

“Moxie!” Dilion ran up for a hug.

“Hey, bud, how was school?” I kissed the top of his floppy brown hair.

“Good, but Mrs. Washington didn’t believe me when I told her you consume one tenth of a calorie when you lick a stamp.”

“And did you do what I told you to do when Mrs. Washington disagrees with you?”

“Moxie…” Dilion whined. “I can’t throat punch a teacher. Plus she’s too tall.”

“Then take her knees out like Tanya Harding.”

“Who?” Dilion scrunched his face up in confusion.

“Never mind,” said a much deeper voice from the kitchen.

I bent down so only Dilion could hear me. “Next time, tell that crotchety old woman her breath smells like banana peels after being left out on the pavement on a hundred-degree day.”

He laughed and skipped back to the family room couch to resume his game on his tablet. I walked into the kitchen to see my beautiful Adonis chopping vegetables, and I snaked my arms around his waist. Miles was tall and sturdy. Not like a football player, but the man definitely had some muscle. I pressed at kiss to his back and he craned his neck sideways to look at me.

“Trying to corrupt the young one again, I hear,” he said with a hint of mischief in his eyes.

I unhooked my arms and popped a piece of red pepper from the cutting board into my mouth. “I’m teaching him how to defend his argument. He’ll need to learn how to do it when he joins the debate team in high school.

“I don’t think taking your opponent out by shattering their kneecaps is part of the debate team.” He put down the knife and turned to face me.

“I disagree. I was on the debate team in high school. Mike Cameron tried to defend his argument of whether they should put vending machines in the cafeteria.”

“And what was your defensive?”

“I argued that you shouldn’t pay girls to give you blow jobs in a bathroom during math.”

“Who won?”

“I can safely say, I had Cheetos and a Snickers every day for lunch my sophomore year.”

“That’s my girl,” Miles said, embracing me.

I buried my head in his gray shirt, which was one of my favorites because it outlined his torso just enough to make me crave what was underneath. His cologne wafted into my nose, and I felt a tingle south in my Bermuda Triangle. Scent had always been a hot zone for me. Miles’s scent turned me on faster than a meth head running from an exploding lab.

I couldn’t help myself as cupped his massive cock. He was already halfway hard.

“Someone is happy I’m here.” I nuzzled my face in the crook of his neck. I loved that Miles was tall. His six-foot-four-inch frame easily encompassed me at five seven.

“He’s very happy you’re here. Maybe you should give him a kiss… with tongue.” He palmed his cock and gave me a wink.

I backed away and slapped his shoulder. “Your son is in the next room, you fiend.”

“Hasn’t exactly stopped you before. Remember the time Dilion and I were playing Wii, and you said you had a problem in the bathroom? If I recall, the problem was that my dick wasn’t inside you.”

“It was a problem. A very large and thick problem.” I winked. “What are we having for dinner, chef?”

“Stir-fry and rice.”

I reached for another pepper, stopped, and looked at Miles. “Oh God. That’s not that quinoa shit, is it?”

He laughed. “No, it’s regular white rice.”

“Oh, thank God! Quinoa is like eating gravel.”

I went to the cabinet and grabbed some plates to set the table. Being at Miles’s place felt like being home. As much as it sucked commuting into the city for work, it would be nice to actually live with the two boys I loved beyond words. It wasn’t the same as going home to an empty apartment and a vibrator that needed new batteries.

“I got a call from Ryan today. He’s invited us to a murder mystery getaway for Halloween weekend,” I said.

“He told me at the station today. I think it would be fun.”

“Seriously? How about instead of the getaway, I create my own mystery. I kidnap my obnoxious Girl Scout student Katie and have a trail of Thin Mints leading in different directions to throw people off.”

Katie had the perfect technique down for selling her Girl Scout cookies — blackmail. One might be surprised at how cunning a seven-year-old could be, but she knew what she was doing. One time I told her I wouldn’t buy any cookies, and her response was she would tell the other kids in class that I secretly ate chocolate behind my desk while they worked on their assignments. I’m convinced she is the child of the devil.

Miles looked up from the stir-fry. “It wouldn’t be a mystery, then. Everyone would know it’s you because of the trail of Thin Mint crumbs from your desk to the woods.”

Putting the final utensil on the table, I turned and put my hands on my hips. “Hey, murdering someone is hard work, and maybe I got hungry from exerting myself and nibbled on a couple of cookies.”

“Anyway, you can’t do it unless you want the entire Girl Scout troop coming after you with pitchforks and torches,” he added, taking a fork from the drawer and poking me lightly with it.

I started laughing. “I can see it now. They will lower Katie’s casket into the ground while singing “Kumbaya,” and instead of throwing flowers into the grave, they would throw assorted cookies.”

“As long as we get conjugal visits while you’re in jail for murder, I’m all good with the plan.”

“I’ll have to clear it with my prison wife. I don’t want to cheat on those bitches or else I’ll get shanked in the middle of the night.”

Dilion came into the kitchen holding a hand written sign which said: Will not eat vegetables. Hunger Strike in progress.

“Sticking it to the man again I see,” I said, pumping my fist in the air to show him my alliance.

“Dad buys stuff with GMOs in them, and I demand all organic vegetables and other products in this house.”

I looked to Miles. “Why can’t this kid be dumb as rocks and make fart jokes like other kids his age?”

“Because he insists on watching the Nightly News with Brian Williams instead of depleting his brain cells watching SpongeBob SquarePants.”

Dilion and I sat at the table while Miles brought over the stir-fry and rice from the stove. I loved it when we all ate together. It was a peaceful time where we shared the daily happenings of our lives. This meal was so unlike when I grew up. My stepmother would measure out my portions of food while my dad took his plate and eat in front of the television. Apparently Wheel of Fortune took precedent in our house.

“So, Dilion, any thoughts on what you’re going to be for Halloween this year?” Hoping he would choose something others understood. I heard last year he had to explain his Alexander Graham Bell costume to every house he went to.

“I was thinking either Gandhi or some other Nobel Prize winner.”

“What, Spiderman and Darth Vader costumes out of stock?” I asked.

“Everyone dresses up as those guys. I want to be something different.”

“But you’ll have to explain what you are to every house you go to.”

“No, I’ll just tell them I’ll break their knee caps if they don’t give me candy like you taught me.”

Miles froze with a fork full of stir fry and his eyes shifted to me. I gave him a cat-swallowed-the-carney smile.

“Kelly will have to take you trick-or-treating this year because Moxie and I are going away.”

“Yay! Aunt Kelly is awesome, and she lets me stay up late. Where are you guys going?” Dilion shot out of his seating and started bouncing up and down while clapping. I was a little disappointed he didn’t want Miles and I to take him. I wanted to see him dressed up and collecting candy from neighbors. Then I might have snuck some candy out of his bag when he wasn’t looking.

“We’ve been invited to a haunted mystery weekend,” Miles said.

“Aww man! I want to go to that.”

“Trust me, Dilion. If I could give you my spot, I would. But I don’t think you’ll look good in a red wig, and we would have to stuff pillows in your pants to make it look like you have my same butt,” I added.

“I’ve heard Dad say your butt looks bootylicious, whatever that means. Do you guys get to dress up?” Dilion asked.

“We all get parts to play for the weekend. So I think we have a dress up like our characters would dress,” Miles answered.

I raised my glass. “Well, here’s to hoping I get to play the school tramp.”

“I’ll drink to that.” Miles smiled as he clinked his glass with mine.

Chapter 3

It was the Friday before Halloween weekend and our getaway. But first, I had to survive the Halloween party at school with my students. Every Halloween the Girl Scouts put on a spooky carnival for the students and teachers to enjoy. The only thing spooky about this carnival was Mrs. Simmons, Katie’s mom. She was the head troop leader at the school and the PTO president which meant the Girl Scouts where taking over the school much like when the Nazis took over Germany. Trust me, there isn’t much of a difference between the two.

Mrs. Simmons was like Martha Stewart on speed. She was always perfectly dressed with her blond hair tied up in a twisty bun. Her makeup was flawless, her teeth were impeccably white, and she wore a rock the size of Russia on her wedding finger. Her husband did something with hedge funds or hedgehogs or something of that nature. Whatever the case, Mrs. Simmons had a lot of extra time on her hands to make my life a nightmare.

If matters weren’t bad enough, students and staff had to dress up for the event. Since I couldn’t put the dirty devil costume I wore for Miles to use, I came up with something family friendly. As a special nod to our classroom pet, Chloe, I decided to dress up as a bunny. It also helped that it was a low-cost costume, and I could use it again with a bow tie and be a Playboy bunny for Miles at another time. I wore a pink long sleeve shirt, bunny ears, and pink yoga pants with a puffy tail pinned to my ass.

I sat at my desk, checking my e-mail before the kids came in for the day, and saw I had something from Ryan.

Homework was involved with this weekend, and it irritated me even further. I wanted this weekend to be a show up, get drunk, get laid, and go home kind of weekend. Maybe get laid and then get drunk. I’d have to feel out my mood.

I downloaded the attachment Ryan sent and figured I had some time before the kids came in. If Ryan wanted me to have fun, then that’s what I was going to do.

I read the first question: How would you describe your personality? Really? They needed my personality traits. I felt like I was applying for a job and they were checking to see if I played well with others. I thought it was time to make this questionnaire fun.

1. How would you describe your personality? I would say I’m a deep thinker. I spend most of my time reading The Economist and eating brie cheese. Some people might say I’m antisocial. But they wouldn’t know because I don’t talk to them. I have a sunny disposition, but then again, I never go out to see the sun since I’m agoraphobic.

2. What do you do for fun? I enjoy spelunking in dark caves. I find it extra exciting to find a bat so I can bite its head off like Ozzy Osbourne. However, I prefer the lighter colored bats. The darker ones taste a touch to gamey. I also enjoy cow tipping and betting on giraffes fighting each other to the death. I won five thousand dollars on Betty the giraffe. No one thought she had it in her, but I saw a special look in her eyes.

3. What is your favorite kind of food? Fava beans and a nice Chianti.

4. If you had to describe your worst enemy, who would it be? Wait, is this questionnaire from the government? I told those rat bastards I didn’t know anything about the release of monkeys from the medical testing facility. They’re watching me, aren’t they? I’ll have to check my phone for bugs. I will not fall over for the Man.

5. What is your favorite color? Chartreuse.

6. Who is your favorite actor or actress? The robot from Lost in Space. His talents were highly underused. How many places were the words “Danger, Will Robinson” appropriate. I tell you… many.

Kids started piling into the classroom as I sent back the e-mail and shut my laptop. All my students were dressed in a variety of outfits including feathers, sparkles, gory masks, and more.

“Okay, everyone put your stuff away and come to the meeting circle.”

I put my bunny ears on my head. I even went as far as painting my nose pink and drawing on whiskers. I was a very serious actress, and I dedicated myself to the role I was playing. But instead of carrots, I ate Twinkies for breakfast.

A few minutes later I sat down in my chair and scanned the room to make sure none of my students were goofing off by the cubbies. “Good Morning, everyone! Is everyone excited for the Halloween carnival?”

The kids screamed in their loudest voices. It’s a good thing I kept Tylenol in my desk drawer because sometimes those screeches were enough to give anyone a migraine.

“Why don’t we go around the circle and tell each other about our costumes?”

Olivia, who was dressed up as Cinderella, raised her hand.

“Yes, Olivia?” I said.

“Miss Summers, what kind of cat are you supposed to be?”

“I’m not a cat; I’m a bunny like Chloe, our class pet.”

“So does that mean you poop in a litter box, too?”

“Umm, no, Olivia. I use the potty like everyone else.”

Another boy, Ethan, pointed his finger at me. “You said potty!”

All the kids laughed like hyenas while I realized the next generation was completely screwed and had no chance for producing intelligent people. In an effort to change subject, I pointed at Quinn who was dressed in what looked like a woman’s suit.

“Quinn, what did you dress up as?”

“I’m the next president of the United States.”

Finally, someone with wonderful career aspirations. “That’s a great costume, Quinn. What would you do differently if you were president?”

“I would make sure my brother learns how to put the toilet seat down after he pees and learns how to aim his dingle berry.”

Another round of laughter filled the room and my dreams of having at least one intelligent student went out the window.

“Miss Summers, aren’t you going to ask me what I am?”

“Well, Katie, it looks like you’re a Girl Scout. Didn’t you want to dress up as something different for Halloween? You get to wear your uniform throughout the year.”

“Miss Summers, I’m not just a regular Girl Scout; I’m a Girl Scout Ambassador. That’s the highest Scout you can be. See, I’m wearing a khaki vest instead of my blue Daisy one.”“

“And how many cookies do you have to sell to become an Ambassador?”

Katie glared at me. “We do more than sell cookies, Miss Summers. We help old people like you walk across the street.”

At that point, I was wondering how to make a noose out of Katie’s Daisy apron and have her accidently trip into it when Mrs. James’s voice over the loud speaker interrupted my thoughts.

“Good morning, everyone. I hope everyone is excited for today’s festivities. We will all meet in the gym in ten minutes. Teachers please make sure all your students are accounted for and lunch money has been collected. I hope everyone has a spooktacular time.”

I rolled my eyes and told my kids to line up at the door so we could make a bathroom run before heading to the gym. I wasn’t sure why I even bothered. At least one student would swear they didn’t need to go, but then as soon as we’d get to our destination, they’d ask to go the bathroom.

After everyone’s potty and drink break, we shuffled into the gym, which has been transformed into a Halloween fun house. I prayed there weren’t going to be any clowns at this thing because I hated clowns. I was a true believer clowns had secret motives behind the creepy makeup. Seriously, who decided it was fun to be crammed in a tiny car with ten other clowns and a dog? I’ll bet there was a clown orgy happening in there.

My students were like rabid dogs trying to scatter in every direction. Luckily, I had some parent volunteers helping me out. We had the kids break into small groups so everyone would get a chance to see everything. I, however, just wanted to stand next to popcorn balls on the treat table. Now, if a guy’s balls tasted like popcorn, a lot more girls would spend some quality time down there.

“Well, well, Miss Summers, were you not able to fit into your Shamu costume this year?” Amber blew up her cheeks and waved her arms back and forth like a whale.

I moved away from my students so they couldn’t hear me. Amber was dressed as Malibu Barbie, which was completely appropriate considering the fact she looked like she was made of plastic.

“Amber I didn’t think anyone at the school ordered a sex doll. And if they did, I would highly suggest they ask for their money back. I’m guessing their dicks fall out of your pussy that’s been stretched out from overuse.”

The thought of Amber having sex at all was nauseating. It fit into the same category as knowing your parents or your siblings had sex. As far as you were concerned, they were all celibate and all their babies came from the stork. But in Amber’s case, any babies who came to her rose from the depths of hell.

“Tell me, Moxie, does Miles put an apple in your mouth instead of a ball gag since he’s fucking a pig?”

“Do the men who are with you wear a biohazard suit because your crotch is toxic?”

“Girls!”

The clicking of high heels announced Mrs. Simmons as she approached. “Thank you so much for making this carnival possible. I have gift baskets for all of you in the teachers’ lounge.”

“Wow, that’s so generous of you, Mrs. Simmons,” I said, plastering on a fake smile.

“Oh, it was the least I could do. I understand it’s Halloween, and you have so many yummy treats, I thought a nice basket of assorted Girl Scout cookies would complement that,” she said, clasping her hands together.

Well, at least the feral cats will have a hearty meal when I get home tonight. Shit, whom was I kidding? I’ll probably eat them all before I even get home. Damn voodoo Thin Mints. Amber gave me a tiny snarl and walked back with her group. I saw Renee standing by the inflatable bouncy house and steered my group in her direction.

“What they hell are you wearing?” I asked when I approached her. She was wearing a red dress, green and white knee-highs, and a red baseball cap.”

“I’m Strawberry Shortcake.”

“Umm, doesn’t Strawberry Shortcake have red hair and a big poufy hat?

“Do bunnies wear white Lulu Lemon yoga pants after Labor Day?

“Touché.”

“Are you ready for this weekend? I think it’s going to be a blast.” Renee grabbed my shoulders and shook me with excitement.

“If there are liquor and sex swings, I’m sure it will be fun.”

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms.

“Come on. Where is your sense of adventure? And we are not going to a swinger party.”

“Thank God! I don’t want to see Raj’s uncut earthworm.”

“The uncut earthworm of which you speak gives me multiple orgasms each night, thank you very much.”

I’ve always tried being a good friend by listening to Renee’s sexcapade details. However, she knew an uncircumcised penis completely creeped me out. She would tell me vividly grotesque stories about pulling on Raj’s foreskin during a blow job.

“Do you ever role play like you’re calling for computer help, and he’s the tech support in India?” I said with a sly grin.

“Moxie just because Raj is Indian does not mean he has perfected an Indian accent. Plus he lived with his family in London for so long his British accent is more predominate.”

“So do you role play you’re the queen and he’s your English butler?” I offered an amused grin.

“Fuck off! We’ll pick you guys up tonight at six thirty.”

“I’ll be waiting with bated breath. And I’ll make sure to pack my knife, rope, and candlestick.”

Renee chuckled as she walked away. I placed one hand on the bouncy house and crossed one foot over another. I had a feeling my weekend was going to be like the fun house at the carnival. Annoying and full of surprises.

Chapter 4

Renee and Raj pulled up to my apartment at precisely six thirty. God forbid Renee were a second late for this weekend’s festivities. She was probably worried the murder would happen without her there and she’d be clueless. I loved my best friend, but she was anal when it came to playing games and the rules.

A few weeks ago everyone was at Miles’s place for game night. It ended in Renee walking out because someone embezzled money in Monopoly. I tried to explain we were playing real life rules and that assholes at Boardwalk Place here knocking down the slums of Baltic Avenue and putting in million-dollar high rises. I could only imagine how serious Renee would be over this murder mystery game.

Miles was already at my place since he had to drop Dilion at his sister Kelly’s house, which was also in the city. Raj was driving his BMW S series, which was rather impressive. One of the things Raj and Renee had in common was his their love of cars and how they treated them like they were perfect children.

“Raj, you do understand we drive on the right side of the road, right?” I liked ribbing him since he grew up in England.

“Really?” he asked in a sexy British accent. “Someone might want to tell the cab drivers around here that.”

Have I mentioned another reason he and Renee got along so well? They’re both road Nazis. You were on your own if one of them saw you make a turn without your blinker on.

“Are you guys excited?” Renee turned and flashed and beauty queen smile.

“I can’t wait!” I said with too much zeal. There was only so much sarcasm I could throw at this weekend. But it was kind of fun just to annoy Renee because I loved how her nose crinkled up whenever she would get pissed.

“Moxie, don’t be a party pooper,” she chided.

Everyone in the car, including myself, laughed at Renee’s rebuttal.

We got out of the city and headed north to Wisconsin. The mansion wasn’t too far across the border, so the drive wasn’t long. Since it was Halloween weekend and Chicago traffic played a factor, we’d be lucky if we arrived next week. About a half hour into our drive, my phone vibrated in my pocket. It was a text from the man sitting next to me.

Hi.

I looked up from my phone and to the beautiful man next to me. He was focused on his phone and acted as if he hadn’t just texted the person sitting next to him.

You realize I’m sitting right next to you.

I saw a hint of a smile tug at his lips. Within seconds his fingers where flying over the keyboard of his phone. I didn’t think you wanted me announcing to the entire car that your tits look great in that shirt.

I smiled at him, but he was still focused on his phone. Miles was a filthy talker, and I loved every dirty word that slipped from his mouth.

I thought about not wearing a bra, but everyone would see my nipples. I knew the comment would get a rise out of him. He loved all aspects of my body, but my nipples had a special place in his heart… and dick.

He growled low under his breath and typed, If anyone else saw your nipples, I’d shove their eyeballs up their asses. Those beautiful buds are mine and mine alone to suck and bite.

I crossed my legs and shifted in my seat to relieve some of the sexual ache Miles was inflicting on me. But two could play at this game. You know, I love those jeans you have on, but I like them even more when they are wrapped around your ankles while I’m sucking you off.

Miles cleared his throat, shifted in his seat, and typed, I’m fucking pissed at you.

What??

Miles continued typing. You’re not wearing a skirt so I can’t slide my fingers under your panties and make you scream in the back of this car.

I pouted. The thought of Miles taking me in the back seat of a car was hot. However, I would have to take lessons from a contortionist because the space was so small.

Well, I’m pretty pissed at you, I typed.

Oh, really?

There is no room in this car for me to get on my knees and suck on your cock until your come slides down my throat.

Miles let out a strangled cough and now it was his turn to readjust himself. Well, wouldn’t that be the car’s fault, then?

Fuck off.

Miles’s eyes went from looking at his phone to scanning my body. He licked his bottom lip and returned to texting. Trust me, there is nothing I’m rather be doing in the back of this car besides having you straddled on my lap fucking the shit out of you.

I was about to text back something equally as filthy when I received text from Renee.

You two are awfully quite back there. Everything okay?

I snapped my head up, forgetting there were other people in the car. Yep. I’m just looking out for ghost cows.

She replied quickly, What are you doing back there? Giving Miles a silent hand job?

There is nothing silent when I give this man a hand job. He screams like a banshee.

Renee giggled in the front seat while she continued to text. Oh, nice Halloween tie in there.

A text from Miles interrupted our exchange. Who are you texting? I tell you I want to fuck you senseless, and you’re texting someone else.

It’s Renee asking if everything is okay.

Miles looked like I’d just killed his dog. I lost the text-off?

I shook my head and rolled my eyes at Mile’s overreaction. Renee was worried. I couldn’t let her think we stopped breathing, could I?

You’ve been a bad girl, Moxie. Do you know what I do to bad girls?

I sat up a little straighter, eager to read his response. Oh, do tell.

Just before Miles could send a return text, Renee screeched, “Eek, we’re here!”

Raj parked the car on the street in front of a beautiful Victorian mansion. Even though it was dark outside, there were spotlights showcasing its beauty. The siding was painted a pinkish peach color while the cornices where painted green and white. There was a large round turret and windows in all shapes and sizes.

We exited the car and grabbed our luggage from the trunk. Miles, being the stud he was, carried my bag up the stairs and placed it on the gorgeous wraparound porch.

“This is so exciting.” Renee bounced up and down while clapping her hands. You would have thought she was a kid in a candy store.

“Okay, can you tone it down about three notches? You’ll scare off the ghosts,” I said.

“Oh my God. Do you think it’s haunted?”

I rolled my eyes, walked past her, and rang the doorbell. Someone inside opened the door and greeted us with a generous smile.

“Hello, welcome. You’re our first guests! I’m Sean, the innkeeper and your host for this weekend.” He held his arms out wide as if he were going to hug us all at once.

Sean was somewhere in his early fifties with salt and pepper hair. He had brown welcoming eyes and a long face that reminded me of a horse. His jaw had a few days of gray stubble. Sean was tall and lanky, maybe two hundred pounds soaking wet.

“Please, come on in. Let me help you with those bags.” He took our bags and set them in the entry. “Like I said, you’re the first ones here. Let me get my wife, Marie, and we can do some introductions.”

This gave me a minute to look around the room. It looked like a florist had a bad case of the flu and vomited flowers all over the place. Everywhere I turned I saw flowers — on the wallpaper, the rugs, and in vases all over the room. Looking at it made me dizzy. Although if I did puke, I’m sure no one would notice since the perfume from the flowers would mask the stench perfectly.

“Wow,” Miles whispered to me. “This is very—”

“Art Deco?” I added as I looked around and took in all the intricate designs.

“I was going with mortuary.”

“Welcome, welcome, welcome.” A female trotted from another room into the entryway. “I’m Marie, Sean’s wife, and your hostess for the weekend. We are so excited to have you here for a murderistic weekend.”

Marie hugged each one as if she had known us for years. It felt awkward to have that kind of intimacy with someone you didn’t know. It kind of reminded me of when my Aunt Beatrice, who I hadn’t seen in ten years, hugged me and told me I’d developed into a beautiful woman.

I leaned into Renee and said, “Is murderistic a word?”

“I wouldn’t know, I only teach the fifth grade. I believe it’s a high school word.”

Marie was a short middle-aged woman, maybe five three with heels. She had mousy brown hair that was somewhat curly and brown eyes to match. Marie wore an apron over her red top and floral ankle length skirt. Great, more floral.

“Well, I’m Raj, this is my girlfriend, Renee, and our friends Miles and Moxie.”

Marie looked at me as if I’d just grown three heads. “Moxie? Well, isn’t that a usual name.”

“My parents were hippies and continually high. They thought they put Margaret on the birth certificate,” I replied. Miles bumped me with his hip, and I decided I could behave for a while.

“Well, let me show you to your rooms while we wait for the others to get here. One of the gentleman called, saying he was lost, so hopefully it won’t be too much longer,” Marie said.

“Was the gentleman named Ryan?” I asked.

“I wasn’t quite sure. Another gentleman was screaming at him, calling him obscenities, so I couldn’t quite hear.”

“That would be Ryan and Tom,” I confirmed.

Marie led us up a squeaky wooden staircase to the bedrooms. After depositing Raj and Renee at their room, she led Miles and I down the hall to ours. Marie opened a door that could have used some WD40 in its hinges. Miles walked into the room first and I followed. The room was a decent size, but held a small four poster bed. This posed as a problem, considering Miles said I were bed hogs.

The room was decorated in shades of deep crimson The wallpaper was scarlet with shiny red imprints of flowers. The carpet was also red, but instead of flowers, it had specks of gold woven in. The portraits on the wall were of people from the nineteenth century. I doubted they were relatives of the owners, but instead purchased at Frames R Us. Next to the bed there was an antique oil lamp, probably a replica.

“I’ll let you two get comfortable and unpack. Sean or I will alert you when the other guests arrive, and we’ll meet in the sitting room,” Marie said before closing the door behind her.

I turned to Miles to say something sarcastic about the room, but he grabbed me so fast it almost knocked the wind of out me. He scooped me up in his arms and walked us over to the bed were he proceeded to throw me onto the mattress. The mattress made a loud squeaking sound when I landed; it was probably as old as the house.

Miles hovered over me and braced his arms on each side of my head. I could feel some growth when his groin rubbed against me.

“Miles, there’s no need to be afraid. I’ll hold your hand during the scary parts,” I said with a sly smile.”

“Oh the only person who should be scared here is you. You were very naughty in the car and need a good spanking.”

“Whatever do you mean, Mr. Dane?” I tried to do my best southern belle impersonation, even pretending to fan myself for extra effect.

Miles rolled us over so I was on top of him. He gripped my ass in both hands and squeezed hard. But then he surprised me and slapped one of my ass cheeks. Maybe I should have been pissed, but holy hell, it was such a turn on. Before I could retaliate there was a knock on the door.

“Hey, Miles and Mox, we’re wanted in the sitting room,” Renee called.

I dropped my head into the crook of Miles’s neck and whined, “Can’t we just have sex all weekend? We can role-play. You be Hannibal Lector, and I’ll be the woman you want to eat… You can start with my pussy.”

Miles chuckled as he rolled out from under me and pulled me up from the bed. “Don’t think you’re off the hook, Miss Summers. I’ll get you, my pretty.”

“And my little pussy, too,” I cackled as we left the room to join the other guests.

Chapter 5

Miles and I walked down the wooden staircase met Ryan and Tom at the bottom. Ryan look devilishly handsome as always, reminding me of the time I hit on him and subsequently found out he was gay. The dark jeans and V-neck sweater did it for me every time. Tom had a few years on Ryan when it came to age and was starting to gray at the temples. He said Ryan was making him go gray from all the shit he caused, like leaving dirty dishes out on the table.

When Miles and I approached them, they were still amid the argument from the car.

“I told you we should have turned at Spruce Street, but you insisted on going straight. And now we’re late.” Tom huffed.

“I would never insist on anyone going straight,” Ryan said, winking.

“If you kept your damn hands out of my crotch then I could have paid attention to the damn road.”

“Right. ‘Please don’t give me a hand job’ said no man ever,” Ryan said in a mocking voice.

“I don’t like to do shit like that in the car. It makes a mess everywhere,” Tom continued to argue.

“Ah yes, how can I forget my OCD boyfriend and his frantic need to keep everything in order.”

Ryan turned to Miles and I. “I would have taken it in the mouth anyway.”

Miles coughed at Ryan’s statement. “Okay, then. On that happy note, let’s we meet Raj and Renee in the sitting room.

“Good, I need a drink.” Ryan sped past Miles and I into the sitting room.

I whispered close to Miles, “Seems like everything isn’t kosher under the rainbow.”

“Seems to be a love-hate relationship,” he said.

“Yeah, Ryan loves Tom, and Tom hates all the crumbs Ryan makes.” I laughed.

In the sitting room Sean and Marie served wine and appetizers, and my heart started to pound and I started to shake.

“Moxie, what’s wrong?”

“Oh, she’s fine,” Renee said. “When she gets into a room full of appetizers, she goes into a seizure-like state because she doesn’t know which one to try first.”

“It’s just so… overwhelming. Pigs in blankets, assorted cheese. Is that a relish tray? Get the defibrillator, stat!”

“We always said if we quit teaching, we would start a restaurant that only served appetizers. We’d call it Appiteasers,” Renee continued.

“Can you imagine? A restaurant that had jalapeño poppers, egg rolls, and spinach artichoke dip? It’s like an orgasmic smorgasbord,” I added.

The doorbell rang, and we all looked toward the entryway as Sean moved to open the door.

“Welcome!” Sean greeted the new guests. “You’re just in time to mingle.”

A woman missing ninety percent of her clothing and didn’t look a day over twelve walked in. She wore booty shorts, although they showed more booty then shorts. On top of her nice-sized breast she wore a Clash T-shirt under a leather motorcycle jacket. The outfit was completed by cowboy boots and a straw cowboy hat. She had, from what I could tell, dark brown hair that lightened to blond at the tips.

Next to her was, what I assumed, her date for the weekend. He looked like he’d just crawled out of the cradle too. He wore a wife-beater and jeans that sagged way past his ass. He was probably five eleven and wore a White Sox hat with the shiny MBL sticker firmly attached to the visor.

“I didn’t realize we were babysitting this weekend,” I whispered to Renee.

“If I ever have a daughter walk out of the house looking like that, I’ll shoot her.”

“It will be too late because I would have already shot you for raising a daughter like that. That would be something from my loins, not yours.”

I peeked at Miles to see if he was enjoying the bootyful view, but he was deeply engrossed in conversation with Raj about the Cubs. Good man I had there.

Sean walked over with our newest guest. “Everyone, I would like to introduce Destiny and Sam.”

All six of us waved to our new arrivals as the doorbell rang once again.

“That must be our last arrival, excuse me,” Sean said as he darted back to open the door.

Meanwhile Sam left Destiny’s side and sauntered up to me. “Hey, I’m Sam. And what is your name, fair maiden.”

I looked around to see if there was a girl dressed in a princess costume with one of those tall cone hats and streamers coming out. But Sam’s gaze was directed at me.

“I’m taken,” I said with a rush.

“I would only assume,” he said with a wink.

“My boyfriend Miles is over there talking with the British Indian guy. He’s very tall and fierce. Oh, and he’s territorial. Likes to mark me with pee and all,” I added. I usually didn’t get nervous around anyone, unless they were threatening to discontinue Snicker bars, but there was something about Sam that made my skin crawl. Maybe it was because he looked like he hadn’t washed his hair since the extinction of the dinosaurs.

“Mmm, kinky. I like it.”

“Umm, isn’t that you’re girlfriend.” I pointed to Destiny.

“We don’t use labels. We are always opened to new adventures,” he said, eyeing me as if I were a piece of prime rib and he were a lion.

“Yo, dipshit,” Destiny called to Sam. “Stop waving your dick around and help me get the bags upstairs.”

“Dipshit is her nickname for me,” he said, giving me a toothy grin. He did a full body scan of me before helping Destiny carry their stuff to their room.

Renee looked at me, “What was that?”

“That was an uncomfortable moment.”

“Kind of like when you have to take a crap and the only place around is McDonald’s? And then you plug up the toilet and don’t tell anyone because you’re utterly embarrassed?”

I turned to her. “Did that happen?”

“Totally hypothetical,” she replied.

“Well, howdy, y’all!”

Renee and I turned our attention to our newest arrivals. A stunning raven-haired beauty came prancing into the room. She was dressed in a cream, silk shirt that was buttoned low showing her ta-tas, which were too perky to be considered natural. This was paired with black straight-leg pants and fuck-me shoes. That wasn’t what caught my eye, though. This woman was dripping in jewels. I had to snap my mouth shut because my mouth hung open so big I could have caught hundreds flies in it. I seriously considered getting my sunglasses because all her bling was making my eyes hurt.

Walking in behind her was a white-haired man who had to be double, if not triple her age. He was dressed in a tweed sports coat, slacks, and white button down shirt. He too had a very interesting accessory: something that looked like a furball a cat threw up. The object moved in the man’s arms and let out a bark, which sounded more like a shriek. Fantastic!

“I’m Debbie and this is my husband, Bob.” Then Debbie reached toward Bob’s arms and pulled the rugrat into her arms. “And this is Ruby, our shih-poo.”

I will not comment, I will not comment, I chanted to myself. But Renee had it covered for me.

“What’s a shih-poo?” Renee tilted her head and scratched her chin in confusion.

“It’s a shih tzu poodle mix,” Debbie said with a very strong southern drawl.

“I thought that was something that happened after you eat a lot of Arby’s in on sitting,” I muttered to Renee.

Miles, Raj, and a now harmonious Tom and Ryan joined in our small gathering and offered introductions since I seemed to be focused on Debbie’s assortment of fine gems.

“Hi, I’m Miles. This is my girlfriend Moxie and our friend Renee, Raj, Tom, and Ryan.”

“Well it’s a pleasure to meet y’all.”

“I like your puppy,” I said, reaching to pet the ball of fur. But the crapper growled and bared its teeth.

“Oh, Ruby. Stop that nonsense,” Bob scolded from behind is wife and placed his hands on her shoulders. “He’s very sweet, just a little territorial when it comes to my Debbie.”

“You’ve got quite the southern drawl. I can’t imagine you’d be from anywhere around here,” Ryan said.

“Oh no.” Bob shook his head. “We’re from Dallas. I own several farms up in this area, and we heard about this adventure and thought it would be fun. It’s nice to get out amongst every day folk instead of dealing with the old fuddy-duddies of the cooperate world.”

Again, I leaned into Renee and whispered, “Do I make the joke about Debbie Does Dallas first or the one where Bob is an old fuddy-duddy?”

She elbowed me in the side and gave me a sideways dirty look. Sam and Destiny came down looking disheveled and joined the rest of the party. Sam entered the room and threw me a wink while adjusting himself. The thought of Sam and Destiny having a quickie upstairs was enough for me to toss up the appetizers I had eaten.

The group mingled for a bit, and I was able to get some information out of our new guests. Bob owned a large cattle ranch in Texas and sold a lot of cattle to dairy farms around the county, hence his business here in Wisconsin. Debbie was thirty-three years his junior and did charity work. Basically he needed some hot tail, and she needed his finances to fund her Liz Taylor Diamond collection. Apparently Rudy went everywhere they went, and I wondered if the dog even had legs because Debbie hadn’t put him down on the floor even once. At one point, Ruby and I had a stare down over the last pig in a blanket. I won because, frankly, I was human and could squash that piece of shih-poo with my toe.

And then there was Sam and Destiny. Destiny was a twenty-year-old exotic dancer studying to become a licensed masseuse. Sam was a twenty-three-year-old guy. He seemed to be lost and searching, which was a nice way of saying he was unemployed. When I asked what he was looking to do, he answered. “Grow weed.” Ding, ding, ding! I do believe we have a winner here folks.

Sean and Marie made it back into the sitting room with a cluster of paperwork. “First, Marie and I would like to thank everyone for joining us on this very mysterious Halloween weekend. We have the characters you will be playing in the murder mystery game. Each of you will get your identity and some background information about your characters. We will give you some time to become familiar with your characters before continuing. The theme for the mysterious murder weekend is High School Reunion.”

Oh. Dear. God. To say I hated high school would be a lie. I flat out loathed it. I was the chubby redhead with enough metal in my mouth to conduct electricity. The fact that I had to reenact any part of that time in my life caused a plethora of angst. A knot formed in my stomach and the room started to spin.

“I wish I’d known you in high school,” Miles said, looking at the mixture of emotions on my face.

“Why is that? Did you need someone to stand on your roof to get a better TV signal?”

“What?”

“I had a mouth full of braces and was teased constantly.”

“I was thinking more like stealing you away underneath the football bleachers and devouring you between your legs.”

I gave him a wry smile. “While it sounds nice, I wouldn’t have been able to return the favor. Unless you wanted your penis torn apart like paper going through a shredder.”

“Well, thank God for present day and straight teeth.” He chuckled.

“Moxie and Miles, here are your characters.” Sean handed each of us our packets. Characters were designed around the questionnaire you filled out.”

I opened the manila envelope and pulled out the contents. I was not surprised at what the paperwork revealed.

Your character for the high school murder mystery is… The Punk.

Chapter 6

I’m the fucking punk. I’m not surprised considering what I wrote in my questionnaire. I was totally assholish when filling it out. They probably figured I was aiming for the misfit of the group. Instead of being annoyed, I would embrace my inner punk. But there are different kinds of punk. Did I want to be the rocker punk and spike up my hair? Or the Goth chick in an all-black wardrobe? Wearing black was slimming. Each of our packets came with character descriptions, so I flipped through mine to decipher how I should make my character.

My translation of the description: Be an asshole. It was something I could manage. I strode over to Miles to get a peek at his character. My guess — the guy who everyone tried to get into every girls’ pants.

“So, what did you get? Strong, attractive teen with no acne and a constant raging boner?”

“Close enough; I got the high school jock.”

“Surprise, surprise,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“And you?”

I slouched and bowed my head. It was my own fault, considering I’d been such a pain in the ass I filled out that questionnaire.

“I got the school punk.”

Miles roared with laughter. “I’m shocked.”

I slugged Miles arm and he took a step back, covering his mouth to hide his continued laughter.

“Yeah, well that’s what happens when you fill out the questionnaire like a two-year-old.”

Raj and Renee walked over to us after they saw Miles laughing.

“So what about you two?” I uncrossed my arms and pointed to Renee.

“I’m the captain of the pom-pom squad!” Renee kicked a leg into the air a demonstrated fake cheer face.”

“I’m the bloody class president.” Raj huffed and crossed his arms over his chest.

I snorted. “A bit of an overachiever, are we?”

“Why couldn’t I be the football star or something.” He threw his head back and sighed.

“For some reason I can’t see an Indian guy being the captain of the football team. Maybe the math team. Or the president of outsourcing.” I pretended to type into an imaginary computer.

“Bugger off. When said football, I was talking about what you Americans refer to a soccer.” He tried to look angry, but had difficulty hiding his smile.

I tuned back to Miles. “So, what does you’re description say?”

He handed me his card, and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes when reading description.

“Oh my God, you’re a manwhore!” I bent over, slapped my knee, and started laughing.

“I was not a manwhore. It was the depression and injury which lead me astray from my beloved wife. Who knows, maybe I was addicted to pain pills and thought I was sticking it in my wife instead of the pom-pom girl.”

“Eww! In my character description it said you and I had an affair.” Renee shivered and scrunched up her face as if she’d just tasted something sour.

“Excuse me, that’s my man you’re saying ‘eww’ about. That’s eight plus inches you’re shuddering over.”

“Aww, sweetness. Except it’s more like ten plus inches,” he said with a devilish grin.

“It’s about to become a one-inch nub if you don’t wipe that stupid smirk from your face,” I made a saw and cutting board motion with my hands.

Miles leaned into me and whispered in my ear, “But then how would I be able to satisfy that beautiful pussy of yours with only a nub?”

I smiled. “That’s why God gave you a tongue.”

“Saucy wench.” Miles smacked my ass.

“Excuse me, sex fiends. Can we get back to the game here?” Renee interrupted.

I heard arguing and turned to Ryan and Tom in the corner, waving their cards in each other’s faces.

“Uh oh, looks like I need to perform quality control,” I said to Miles.

I walked up to the sparring couple. “Hey, love birds, whatcha get?”

Tom huffed. “I got the chess and math club president, and Ryan got the newspaper editor.”

“So, what’s wrong with that?”

“Clearly, I’m more suited to work as an editor of the newspaper and I hate chess,” Tom said.

“Don’t you mean you hate chest… like boobs… you know, cause you’re gay?” I laughed.

Both Tom and Ryan looked at me with growing irritation.

“Okay, then. I’m butting out now. I’m going to hide in my hole now,” I said, slinking away.

“What has their jock straps in a bunch?” Renee stood next to me, pointing her chin in Ryan and Tom’s direction.

“A lover’s quarrel. One wanted to be homecoming queen and the other the beauty school dropout,” I said.

Renee giggled just as Sean clapped for our attention.

“I believe everyone has their character cards and had had a chance to review them. Why don’t we go around the room and say who our characters are and how they related to the murder. Bob, I believe we need to start with you.”

Bob looked at his card. “I’m Bob and I was the AV guy in high school. I went on to become a high-profile director. I’m the one being murdered.” Bob read the card without enthusiasm.

Renee and I couldn’t contain our chuckles. It was a slightly cliché that Bob was being the one murdered considering he was the oldest person in the room. Sean and Marie probably just looked at his age on the questionnaire and stereotyped him for the role.

“Great,” Sean did a fist pump into the air. “Now we can go one by one and say who we are and how we are connected to the director’s death. I’ll begin. My character was the hall monitor in high school. I give the instructions and lead you through the murder investigation.”

“So you have no connection to the death? I asked.

“Correct.”

“Then I say you did it,” I continued.

“Did what? The murder?”

“Yes. Isn’t it obvious? It’s the whole whoever smelled it, dealt it.”

“Umm, I’m confused,” Sean said with a look of puzzlement on his face.

“You say you had nothing to do it with it. In the Law and Order Special Crimes unit that automatically makes you a prime suspect.”

Sean looked nervous when I said this, which fascinated me since this was just a game. “No, I can assure you that I had nothing to do with this. Why don’t we move on to Marie’s character.”

Marie looked at her husband with big eyes and shifted from side to side. Perhaps the woman had too much caffeine before we got here.

“I’m Marie and I’m in the marching band. After high school, I started my own music studio and wrote and produced music in my spare time. My motive for the murder was providing a score of music to the director, but never got paid the royalties for the music she created.”

“Because the music probably sucked,” I said to Renee under my breath.

It was Debbie’s turn. “Hi again, y’all. I’m Debbie and I was the class drama queen. I was real popular in high school and was the lead in all the school plays. After high school, I moved to Los Angeles where I met ‘the director’ in hopes he would advance my career, but he didn’t, and I was forced to take a job as a porn star. I always blamed the director for my downfall.”

“Maybe if she spread her legs for the director, she wouldn’t be in that position.” Renee swatted my arm and gave me a low shush.

“Renee, why don’t you two go next,” Sean said.

Renee stood proudly, reading off her card. “I’m Renee and I was the captain of the pom-pom squad. I was so good that after high school, I went off to community college and became a famous choreographer. My relation to the murder is blackmail. That’s all I can say right now.”

Next was Destiny and Sam. Destiny smacked her gum as she spoke. “I’m Destiny and I was the head cheerleader and homecoming queen. But in high school I was best friends with the jock and ended up marrying him.

Destiny winked at Miles because she overheard him say he was the jock. I couldn’t help the eye roll. It was then Sam’s turn to take the floor.

“Wait,” Raj interrupted. “Isn’t being a cheerleader and a pom-pom girl the same thing?”

“Umm, not even close.” Renee put her hands on her hips and looked at Raj. “Cheerleading and pom-poms are two totally different things. Poms are more about dancing than cheering and Poms is less important.”

That comment prompted Destiny to throw dagger eyes at Renee.

“Yo, I’m Sam. My card says in high school I was the class flirt. I guess that’s right since I was a named that in my real high school.”

I leaned toward Renee and murmured, “He went to high school? I thought for sure he was born in a barn.”

“Maybe there was a school inside the barn. Something like Animal Farm?”

“What the fuck is Animal Farm?”

She looked at me as if I’d just asked the most absurd question.

“Animal Farm, by George Orwell. It’s a novel where the dictator pig takes over the farm.”

“Well, you got the pig part right.”

Sam continued. “Now I’m all grown up and shit. I own and run an online dating service. It says here… wait, what the fuck?”

“What’s wrong, babe?” Destiny asked.

“It says I was having a secret affair with the director, but now I have a thing with the newspaper guy.” He continued to look at the card and scratch is chin. “Who’s the newspaper guy?”

Ryan raised his hand proudly and smiled. “Looks like you were into all sorts of pants during high school.” He gave a wink at Sam.

I barked out a laugh, but quickly covered it up with a cough.

“Hey, I’m not into dudes,” Sam said, grabbing his junk as if to stake some masculine ground.

“It’s just a game, babe,” Destiny said, trying to comfort a displeased Sam.

“That’s perfect timing to introduce the next person. Ryan, will you tell us about your character?” Sean said.

“Sure. I’m Ryan and I was the head of the high school newspaper. Now I’m a top reporter for the Wall Street Journal, and I’m a big supporter of the class president because now he’s running for Congress.” He gave Raj a high five.

“You wouldn’t know what to do with the Wall Street Journal if it bit you in the ass,” Tom complained.

“We’ll you bit my ass this morning when you were trying to gain access to it, and it seems I know how to handle you,” Ryan retorted. “Why don’t you go next, sassy pants.

“Fine,” Tom moaned. “I was head of the math team in high school, and now I’m some big accountant. Even though I should have been the head of the newspaper, but you don’t always get want you want.”

“Especially when you whine like a bitch,” Ryan said under his breath.

Raj cut in before another Ryan and Tom argument occurred. “I’m Raj and I was the class president.”

“Stereotype,” I said, trying to hide it in a cough. Miles nudged my arm and gave me the naughty look, but Raj smiled at me, understanding I was just joking around.

“After high school, I studied political science and now I’m running for Congress. Apparently, I asked the director for financial backing and he flaked on me.”

“He’s a dickweed,” I said.

“What’s a dickweed?” Renee asked.

“A dickweed in someone who is a total dick and continues to be a dick like a growing weed,” I said.

“Well, that certainly clears things up.”

I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

Miles and I told the rest of the group what our cards said. Ryan couldn’t contain his laughter when he found out my role was the school punk. I don’t think he’ll still be laughing when this class punk gives him a big atomic bomb size wedgie.

Sean interrupted our banter. “Now we know who everyone is, it’s time to play the game!”

Well, since I forced to be a part of these shenanigans, I was going to use my punk status to the fullest.

Chapter 7

Our character debriefing was only the first phase of the game. Sean gave Raj an envelope he was supposed to open and read to the group. I wasn’t quite sure why Raj was given the distinct honors, but Sean said he had to excuse himself to prepare for the next phase of the game. I suspected he was going to get some ketchup to throw on Bob to make it look like a real murder. I had to remind myself it was supposed to be a dead body and not a hamburger. Although, if you threw some lettuce and a pickle on there, Bob might turn out to be a tasty treat.

Raj opened the envelope and quickly looked over the contents.

“Because I was the class president and now a politician, it’s my job to tell you all about the next phase of the game.”

“Wait!” Sam called out. “Can I take a quick piss break before we’re lectured, Mr. President?”

“Can’t it wait?” Raj crossed his arms over his chest and started tapping his foot.

“Unless someone is playing the part of the school janitor and wants to clean up my piss from the floor, no it can’t.”

Sam sprinted out of the room and for some reason Destiny followed him out.

“Can he not pee without someone holding his dick for him?” I said to Miles.

“Maybe his dick is so huge he needs help holding it.”

“I’m going with the idea that his dick is so small, he needs someone’s help trying to find it,” I countered.

Ten minutes passed and Destiny returned to the room, looking disheveled, and Sam followed, looking sated. I had no doubt they took the time in the middle of the game to go play their own game of how far can Sam stick his cock into Destiny’s mouth. Even the thought of that made me want to toss my cookies.

“Now that you’re finished in the loo, may I continue?” Raj asked, sighing heavily.

“Carry on, Mr. President,” Sam said while readjusting himself.

Raj shook his head and started reading what was in the letter, opened the envelope, and removed the paper inside. “It’s been twenty years since we graduated high school, and we’ve all have come a long way.”

“Do you come a long way?” Sam snickered at his crude joke.

I groaned. “Who invited the ten-year-old?”

“You’re just jealous because your man can’t shoot like a pro,” Destiny said as she tried defending Sam’s honor.

Oh, that’s how she was going to play it? The punk in me certainly couldn’t let that one slide. “It’s true. I don’t like to wash my hair with come shampoo just because my man overshoots his mark.”

Renee laughed and Ryan snapped is fingers in an oh no, she didn’t style.

“If you two cats are finished, put your claws away so I can finish,” Raj said.

I crossed my arms over my chest, and I could have sworn Destiny stuck out her tongue. Apparently someone invited a ten-year-old boy and girl to the party.

Raj continued. “Among us tonight, we have everyone from a Hollywood director to an acclaimed accountant.”

“That should have been a newspaper reporter,” Tom mumbled.

“You put your claws away too, big man.” Raj said, speaking slowly to annunciate each word.

“As graduates, we have all chosen different paths, but they all started right here in high school. Throughout this mystery you can use bribery, extortion, blackmail, or whatever means necessary to find the guilty party. Good luck and may the force be with you.”

“It really says that?” Miles asked.

“No, I added it for dramatic effect,” Raj said.

And without warning the lights went out, stranding us in the dark. Miles grabbed my arm, and I felt mushy inside from his protectiveness. Either that or Sam was trying to cop a feel, in which case his arm would be detached from the rest of him when the lights came back on.

I room was lit once again, and Bob was lying on the floor with his tongue hanging out.

“Really, Bob? That’s the best dead body you can give us?” Debbie said in her southern twang.

Bob lifted his head and looked at her. “Being dead ain’t easy.”

“I’m sure it isn’t when your gold-digging wife drains you’re fortune away after you die,” I whispered to Miles.

“I’m sure she’s disappointed it wasn’t a real murder,” he replied.

Sean came back into the room and clapped his hands once to grab our attention. “As you can see, there has been a murder. The victim is your old classmate who was a famous director. At this time I ask for your full cooperation during this investigation. I have another envelope for each of you, containing information, evidence, and objects to help you conduct your investigation. Play the game wisely and make sure your secrets are not revealed. I will present evidence I have found in which everyone will get a chance to examine.”

Sean fumbled with a manila envelope, which I guessed contained the evidence. It’s probably what he was doing while Raj was preaching. He pulled out a few small cards.

“These are business cards found in the victim’s wallet. The cards are that of the accountant, the musician, the punk, and the actress.”

“Let me see my business card. Does it at least look good? Does it say Moxie the Punk? Or does it say Le Punk de Moxie?”

“It’s a blank card,” Renee said.

“I’m firing my graphic designer,” I said with irritation.

“There is an invoice for payment,” Sean continued. “It’s from the victim’s accountant, and it shows the victim owed the musician a great deal of money.”

“At least I’m doing my fucking job right,” Tom snarled.

“These pictures were handed over by the punk. She claims she’d been tracking the flirt on the victim’s behalf and discovered his affair with the editor of the newspaper.”

“I still don’t think I’d stick it in a dude,” Sam huffed and turned his back to the group like he was a small child having a tantrum.

“I have a feeling if it walks, you’d stick it in it,” I slapped him on the back like we were old buddies joking around with each other.

“Hey, I’ve got limits.”

“You’re right. House plants are an exception.”

Sean cut off our sparring. “Finally, there is the blackmail note that was provided by the musician. It was found earlier tonight. I will give you all a chance to look at all the evidence. Afterward, take all you have learned and think it over. The investigation will continue in the morning. I wish you all a good evening.”

I walked over to the table where Sean placed the note.

Really? That’s it? I was hoping it would say something like what we passed in junior high: Do you want me to bribe you? Circle yes, no, or maybe.

“This all has been very exciting, but I’m ready to hit the hay, or hit Sam, whatever comes first,” I told Renee.

“I’m with you. I have to go plot out all the evidence and post it on the wall, then take string and attach the clues together like they do in crime shows,” she said.

“Seriously?” I looked at her in amazement.

“Fuck no, I’m probably going to give Raj a blow job then go to bed.” She smiled like the Cheshire cat.

That plan sounded like something I could get on board with. I walked over to Miles who was taking to Ryan.

“Hey, are you ready to go to bed.” I gave him a wink.

“Yeah, I just need to talk to Ryan for a bit. I’ll meet you up there.”

I felt disappointed that Miles didn’t scoop me up and drag me up the stairs like Rhett Butler did in Gone with the Wind. Well, fiddledeedee.

I walked up the stairs while talking to Debbie, but not actually listening to anything she said, just ogling at the rocks wrapped around her fingers and neck. She had to have had an entire diamond mine plastered to her body. I caught some basic words of the conversation. Cows, charity, Bob’s prostate…

I was in luck as my room was the closer to the stairs then Debbie’s was and I could escape Debbie before I had to hear any more about Bob’s genitals. I was about to strip my clothes off when I noticed a piece of paper on the bed and I picked it up.

I rolled my eyes and put the note in the drawer of the side table. Sean was going to taste my shoe after I stuck it so far up is ass for this stunt. Really? One thirty in the fucking morning? I would have completely ignored this except for one thing: I was in it to win it.

Chapter 8

At about one thirty in the morning, my phone alarm vibrated, waking me so I could follow through on the mystery note. I had a serious bone to pick with Sean for pulling this stunt. Maybe I’d slip some milk of magnesia in his oatmeal. I peered at the other side of the bed to a sleeping Miles. I could have roused him for a quickie before I trotted downstairs. But I was out to win this game, so I didn’t share my secret clue.

I slid out of bed and put my bra, shirt, and sweatpants on. No need to scare the house ghost I was sure haunted the place because of my jiggling triple D love mounds. I supposed if it came down to it, I could always use them as weapons. Sometimes they felt like heavy boulders. I padded my way across the dark room and made sure the bedroom door didn’t squeak. The creaking stairs proved to be another feat. I took one step at a time, cringing if the steps made a popping noise. I finally hit the bottom of the stairs and glanced back up to see if I woke anyone up using my stealthy ninja techniques.

The house was dark and I made a mental note to talk to Marie about getting some night lights in place before they got sued by someone breaking their neck. However, that would make the murder mystery game more authentic if someone actually kicked the bucket. I looked at the note again to remind myself of my task.

Obviously, I was supposed to head to the kitchen for something. Maybe I’d be surprised with cupcakes with cream cheese frosting! I shook my head to clear my thoughts. Focus! I looked around for the kitchen. When I found it, nothing seemed out of the ordinary, and I was thoroughly disappointed my fantasy cupcakes were not waiting for me. I looked on the granite countertops for any notes left behind. I even searched through the cabinets. I huffed in frustration because I could have been sleeping in my warm bed next to my man meat, but instead I was chasing an empty clue.

“Find what you’re looking for?” a deep voice said from behind me.

A deep voice I was well acquainted with. A deep voice that usually whispered dirty things in my ears.

“Don’t turn around. I like the view from behind,” he said.

“I’m supposed to be searching for a clue for this stupid ass game,” I waved my hands around the kitchen, then felt along the counter top to see if anything was there.

“There was a note left for you in our room?”

“Yes. I’m going to have a serious talk with Sean and Marie about their game tactics.”

“Maybe they didn’t write the note.”

“Oh, then who did?”

I heard him move behind me, and he brushed my hair over my shoulder. He blew a small breath across my bare neck, making my body shiver.

“Maybe it was the house ghost.”

“You mean the house ghost with an impressively large cock that’s hard and pressing into my ass?”

“Perhaps,” he whispered.

Oh, the whispering! It sent electricity straight to my Bermuda Triangle. He wrapped his large hands around my abdomen and slid them under the hem of my shirt. I sucked in a breath when his hands touched my skin. Slowly, he raised them until he was cupping my breasts.

“Why the fuck are you wearing a bra? Your tits should be available at all times.”

And in one solid motion he grabbed both cups of my bra and pulled them down, releasing my breasts from their confinement. He skillfully rolled my nipples with his fingers, giving them a small pinch. I cried out in both pleasure and pain.

“Shh, or I’ll have to grab one of those kitchen towels and gag your mouth.”

Oh, holy hell, I was going to explode like Slimer in Ghostbusters. All that would be left of me would be a puddle of orgasm on the floor. That would make interesting morning discussion.

He continued his onslaught of my body by moving his hands from my breasts down to the front of my sweatpants and slipping his hands inside.

“Let’s see how wet my sweetness is for me. If it isn’t slick enough, I might have to use my tongue.”

Christ on a cracker. The man was going to kill me with his dirty mouth. My tombstone would read: Here lies Moxie. She was killed by dirty words. She didn’t stand a chance. God help her soul.

Two thick fingers slid inside me, searching for the answer to his question.

“Ah, you are wet. But you could always use some more slickness.”

With urgency he pulled my sweatpants and panties down to my ankles, leaving me exposed to the cool air.

“Bend forward, grab the counter, and spread.”

I followed his instructions, bending at the waist and gripping the granite as if my life depended on it. Miles went down on his knees and pulled my hips back to meet his mouth with urgency and fervor. His tongue delved into my core, sweeping across in my clit with every stroke. I panted as the pleasure built up in my gut. His hands gripped my hips so hard, I knew he would leave bruise marks. And I loved every second of it.

But then he stopped before I could find my release and moved back up my body. His mouth met my ear, and I could smell myself on his breath.

“I was going to let you come on my tongue, but I need to be inside you right now, or I’ll fall apart.”

My knees threatened to buckle at those words. I heard him pull his boxer briefs down releasing what I knew to be an impressive erection. He grabbed my sore hip and plunged deep inside of me, letting a pleading groan escape his lips.

“Oh God, sweetness, you’re so damn tight,” he grunted in a low tone.

I was swept away in the pleasure of the moment. His pace quickened and his breath became ragged. He reached around my waist to he could fondle my clit while to pounded into me.

“Moxie, I want you to fucking come for me.”

It only took those words to send me off the cliff. He moved the hand he was stroking me with up to cover my mouth and stifle my cries of pleasure. After a few more thrusts, he buried his head in my neck, biting the skin to quiet his own cries. After a few moments we both returned to earth and the present.

Through my ragged breathing, I said, “We could have done this upstairs in bed.”

Miles panted as well. “But where would be the mystery? That is the game right?”

“I think you’re using sex as a distraction technique so you can win the game.” I chuckled.

“No, I’m using sex because you’ve made my dick hard all night.”

“You mean the love affair with the head of the pom-poms squad wasn’t it doing it for you?” I said, poking his chest lightly.

“Nah, I always liked the misfits better. They were always more kinky.”

I turned around and placed a sweet but hard kiss on his lips. “This misfit is now sated, happy, and ready to go back to bed.”

I pulled my clothing back into place. Miles followed suit and grabbed my hand to lead me back upstairs. I reached our room and opened the door. When Miles had gotten up to come down stairs he had left a lamp on in the room so we could see our way back to the bed. But instead we saw Sam lay on our bed spread eagle naked as the day he was born. It was a horrific sight! He saw Miles and me and quickly grabbed the sheet to cover himself.

“What the fuck?” I yelled. “What the hell are you doing in my bed butt ass naked?”

“Didn’t Miles get the note?” His eyes widened and he rubbed the back of his neck.

“You wrote the note?” I said.

“Yeah. But he was supposed to get it so I could come in here and find you gloriously naked and horny.”

“What the fuck was I supposed to do with the note?” Miles asked, trying very hard to keep calm.

“You were supposed to go downstairs and look for clues. I figured you didn’t look very bright, so it would take you a while,” Sam said.

Miles and I looked at each other, I gave him a wink and a smirk. Without saying anything he knew exactly what I meant.

“You’re right, Sam, I must not be that bright. I’ll go back down and look for clues.” Miles took one more look at me and walked out of the room.

Sam looked pleasantly surprised with this turn of events and eyed me like I was dessert. I glided over to the bed, crawled on top, and swung my leg over Sam’s lower thighs.

I smirked at him and, in my most sultry voice, said, “You were right all along. I’ve been wanting you, bad.”

“Yeah?” Sam said with the same excitement as a dog waiting for a bone.”

“Yes. I’ve been waiting all night to do this,” I sat on my knees and flipped my hair, bringing on all the charm I could think off.

“Give me all you’ve got, baby.”

I smiled, balled my hand into a hard fist, and punched his groin.

He let out a high pitched yelp, grabbed his balls, and tried twisting his body to the side. Miles came back into the room and surveyed the damaged. He threw his hand in the air and gave me a high five. “Nicely done.”

I climbed off the bed and turned my attention back to Sam. “You have two seconds to get your bruised balls out of our room.”

He slithered out of the room, still clutching his balls.

“So much for his family jewels,” Miles said.

“Yup. He’ll be lucky if there are any family jewels left to sell on QVC after that punch.” I laughed.

Chapter 9

Morning arrived too quickly after our romp in the kitchen. I woke up alone and felt cold in the sheets. Miles had gotten up some time ago and was probably downstairs getting his coffee. I was sore all over my body, especially were Miles gripped my hips. But I loved feeling this way, taken by the man who stole my heart. And my vagina.

I took a quick shower and got ready for a day of sleuthing. I walked downstairs and heard fast conversation. Or was it crying? I hurried into the dining room and found Miles, Renee, Ryan, Bob, and a crying, distressed Debbie.

“What’s wrong?” I inquired.

Debbie tried to speak through her broken sobs. “My jewelry is missing.”

I thought back to last night and the impressive amount of jewelry she had on her body.

“How much was taken?”

“About one million dollars’ worth of jewelry,” Bob said as he tried to console his young bride.

I couldn’t stop my lower jaw from falling to the floor when he said one million. I tried to put it into perspective by thinking about how many cupcakes I could buy with a million dollars. That was how I equated things… money to food. And that was a shitload of cupcakes.

“Are you sure? You were wearing a lot of beautiful jewelry last night?” I asked when what I really wanted to say was, “Ho, you were drowning in diamonds last night, quit your bitching.”

“Why don’t we go for another look,” said Ryan. “I’ll even go up and help you to look. Sometimes having a third set of eyes helps.”

Debbie nodded and Ryan and Bob took her back upstairs to start searching. I looked at Miles and Renee who sat in silence, staring at their cups of coffee.

Renee shrugged. “I guess we have a new mystery on our hands.”

“Dammit. I was finally on board with this stupid murder mystery, although last night there could have resulted in a real dead body.”

“Excuse me?” Renee looked from Miles to me.

“I’ll let Miles share the lovely details while I go feed the creature who owns me: my stomach.”

I walked into the kitchen to get a helping of whatever Marie had made for breakfast. I was hoping for some pancakes, bacon and hash browns, but was sorely disappointed when all I spotted were a few Danishes and fruit. The Danish. What a disappointment when it came to breakfast pastries. Not as advanced as the croissant and not as fruity as a torte. Basically, it was just a damned outcast. Don’t even get me started on the cheese Danish. What a travesty.

Marie stood at the stove, rolling something in her hands. I walked over to see if maybe I’d get lucky, and we’d have pancakes after all. She quietly muttered to herself and nervously shifted back and forth on her feet. I decided that I would have to cut off her coffee immediately or search for the coke was sniffing.

“What are you making?”

Marie gasped and turned around, dropped a ball of dough and put her hand over her chest.

“Moxie, God you scared me.”

“I see you’re a little on edge there. You might want to tone down the caffeine or take a break from a meth addiction,” I said, chuckling.

She returned my joke with a small laugh, but turned around and continued her cooking.

“What are you making?” I asked.

“Um, dumplings.”

“Those aren’t dumplings. Those are matzo balls,” I said.

“Excuse me?”

“You know, matzo balls. They’re like dumplings but they are made from matzo meal and shaped into balls like the ones your making.”

“Those aren’t balls. They’re dumplings. Besides, they’re made with flour.”

I could see I was going to have to give Marie a lesson on Jewish culture. The matzo ball was an important part of Jewish food groups. It was sort of like the food pyramid. Except at the top of the pyramid was corned beef and pastrami, followed by chopped liver, pickled hearing, kugel, and then at the bottom was matzo balls. This diet was otherwise known as the constipation diet.

But before I could argue my case of the matzo ball any further, yelling erupted from the dining room. I quickly exited the kitchen to see what was happening, and wondered idly if I needed to get the pepper spray from my bag. When we were packing, Miles asked why I had packed pepper spray in my bag. I told him if the house was haunted, I wanted to be prepared. And like the good man he was, he rolled his eyes at my oddities and continued on his way.

“You took my jewels!” Debbie screamed at Sam, who was in nothing but his boxers.

“What jewels? What are you even talking about? Sam raised both arms in the air as if someone was pointing a gun at him. “I did no such thing! I just woke up.”

“Did you forget the rest of your clothes in our room?” I sneered.

“I slept on the couch,” Sam admitted

“Why was that?” Renee asked.

“Destiny kicked me out.”

Miles and I exchanged a silent agreement. We weren’t going to offer up the reason why Destiny might have kicked Sam out of the room. And like magic, Destiny appeared at the bottom of the steps with her bags.

“You trashy bitch! You stole my jewelry,” Debbie snarled and prowled up to Destiny.

“What the fuck are you bitching about, you beauty queen has-been.” Destiny got into Debbie’s personal space, and I swear she bared her teeth like a dog about to attack.

I realized two things were happening. First, the mystery was no longer about the high school reunion, but instead Debbie’s lost million dollar jewels. And second, things were about to get ugly real fast.

“You and your man-trash left the group yesterday so you could go into my room and steal my things.” Debbie’s hands were flailing as she spoke.

“Sugar lamb, calm down,” Bob said.

“I will not calm down. These two pieces of trash are thieves.”

“I don’t have to listen to this shit,” Sam seethed and stormed past the group into the kitchen. Debbie was right behind him, followed by the rest of us who wanted to see what was going to happen. Marie froze with a matzo ball in her hand, even if she wouldn’t admit it was one.

“Give me my things back or my husband will call the cops and take your nasty low-life asses to jail!” Debbie yelled.

“Who are you calling low-life asses, you gold-digging bitch.”

Before anyone else could react, Destiny grabbed a Danish and threw it right in Debbie’s face. Silence took over the room, but not for long.

“And you,” Destiny said, pointing to Sam. “You’re a fucking cheater and an asshole.” She threw another Danish at Sam. Like I said before, the Danish really gets the short end of the stick.

Sam slowly wiped away the cherry filling from his face. “If you weren’t such a cold bitch in the sack, I wouldn’t be looking to get some from Moxie.” Sam took the jug filled with orange juice and poured it over Destiny’s head.

“Asshole!” Destiny shouted. She wiped the orange juice from her face and turned to face me. I widened my eyes, thinking I was next to get a Danish in the face. I was truly hoping for the cherry as the cheese and I were not on speaking terms.

“You fat piece of lard,” Destiny said. “What would my boyfriend ever find attractive about you? You’re thighs are as big as a humpback whale. I’m surprised you haven’t crushed Miles’s head in between them.”

Miles quickly moved in front of me. He knew that comment would send me over the edge, and I wasn’t entirely sure if he was trying to protect me from a flying Danish or Destiny from my wrath.

I tapped Miles on the shoulder and said, “I’m okay. I’m not going to let it get to me.” Miles moved away, watching me the whole time. Tensions were high in the room, and I spoke quietly.

“I will not say anything I might end up regretting later.” I continued talking while walking over to where Marie was standing. She looked nervous as I fingered the counter and then turned around. “I don’t believe in belittling someone with hurtful words because I’m a bigger person than that.”

“I would be an emphasis on bigger,” Destiny said with a snort.

I continued. “There are better ways for me to express what I am feeling.”

“And what’s that? Eating your emotions?” Destiny retorted with a snotty laugh.

“No,” I said calmly. “With you eating my emotions.” With one swift move, I grabbed a matzo ball out of the pan nearby and pitched it right into Destiny’s face. The pieces of dough exploded on impact. But something that sparkled at impact, and everyone looked down at Destiny’s feet. Lying on the ground among the matzo ball dough was a diamond.

“Holy shit, “Renee whispered.

I quickly turned around and dug my hands in the dumpling on the counter. As I tore them open, one by one, pieces of Debbie’s jewelry came tumbling out.

“My jewelry!” Debbie squealed, running over to the counter. Marie made a sprint toward the door, but Tom and Raj blocked the way out. She was trapped with nowhere to run. Tears spilled down her cheeks as she mumbled something about foreclosure and unpaid credit card bills.

All of us watched a solicitous Marie, but when Sean burst into the kitchen, all eyes turned to him.

“What the hell happen?” he asked. It didn’t take long for him to spot the busted matzo ball and jewelry lying on the floor. He slowly looked from the floor to everyone else and then tried to reverse his entrance by slowly backing out of the room. Ryan and Miles both bolted toward Sean, grabbing him by his shirt.

“Someone call the police,” Renee exclaimed through her hand covering her mouth.

“I got it,” Bob said as he pulled his phone from his pocket.

Renee came to my side and patted my arm. “Are you okay?”

“I’m completely amazed.”

“Yeah, this turned out to be crazy.”

“No, not about that.”

“Then what?”

“I am speechless because I want her recipe to make huge matzo balls that hide things. Think of the possibilities! I could be the first Jew to patent a matzo ball!”

Chapter 10

Renee and I stood on the front porch as two police officers handcuffed Marie and Sean and tucked them into a police cruiser. Debbie and Bob gave a third officer a statement of what had happened. Miles and Raj walked out of the house while speaking to a fourth officer.

“It looks like Sean and Marie had a large amount of credit card debt, and they were facing a foreclosure on their house as well,” the officer said.

“It explains why they were trying to steal Debbie’s jewelry,” Raj commented.

I slowly started clapping and all four heads turned to me. “It looks like we have a winner folks.”

“What are you talking about?” Renee asked.

“Of the mystery game. No one was murdered and it turned into a case of stolen jewels. If I’d known, I would have brought my Indiana Jones costume.”

“You have an Indiana Jones costume?” Raj asked while crossing his arms over his chest.

“Hey, don’t judge. What Miles and I do in the bedroom is none of your concern.”

Renee’s body shook with laughter. “What do you do? Dig around under the sheets in search of the Holy Grail?”

“Oh, I found the Holy Grail all right, and let me tell you, it is indeed quite holy.”

“Okay,” Miles broke in the conversation. “If we are all done talking about my golden treasure, we should see how the rest of the people are before making our way back into the city.”

The four of us walked back into the house where we met up with Ryan and Tom, who were arguing again. I wanted to put them in the circus and call their act “The Arguing Gays.” They obviously have a real talent for it lately.

“I said I would drive home.” Ryan said and shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“You were born with a lead foot. The last thing you need is a ticket by the Wisconsin police. They would probably write a ticket on a block of cheese.”

“Better a lead foot then a lead dick.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Tom growled.

“Does have a craving for popcorn, peanuts, or cotton candy while watching this,” I asked, waving my hands at their display.

As if this circus act wasn’t enough, Destiny and Sam poured out the kitchen with Sam groveling for forgiveness.

I supposed they were the clowns in this three-ring nightmare. All we needed were the freak shows, and I figured Debbie could fill that spot with her freakishly large diamonds swooping around her neck.

Debbie and Bob returned to the house after they’d finished their statement to the police. “I just want to thank y’all for helping me find my jewelry.”

“I suppose we all worked together in solving the mystery by causing a food fight,” Renee added.

“I still was curious if those matzo balls where sinkers or floaters.” I shook my head in disappointment.

“Excuse me.” Miles turned to me with curious eyes.

“That’s what makes or breaks a perfect matzo ball. If they are nice and light, they float up to the top in yummy goodness. If they stink to the bottom, there’s too much matzo and everyone gets constipated for a week.”

“I have something I would like to sink into you,” he whispered close to my ear.

“Seriously? You’re comparing your penis to a world class matzo ball?”

“Well they do have balls.” He laughed.

“True, but thankfully matzo balls aren’t furry, and they don’t leave little hairs in your throat after you eat them.” I returned the laughter, thinking about a similar joke the first time we met.

“Since this weekend was a bust, how about we go back into the city, find a scary movie to rent, and stuff ourselves with popcorn and ice cream,” Renee suggested.

“Do you think they make horror pornos?” I asked.

“Moxie, every porno is pretty scary in its own right,” she retorted.

“No, I mean like women with three boobs or men with elephant-sized penises.”

“We could rent Eyes Wide Shut with Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.” Ryan joined the conversation by nudging my shoulder with his.

“Ryan, I said horror movie, not a downright ‘take razor blades and gouge your eyes out’ movie.”

We all went up the stairs to retrieve our belongings, but as we came back down, we all stopped in our tracks. Destiny and Sam were making out on the couch. The bile rose in my throat, but I squashed it down. I guess all was forgiven, and I was thoroughly happy to get Sam off my back. Although, I would have loved to give him one final nut punch for being such an ass. I figured if he continued to be with Destiny, that would be punishment enough.

Miles came over to my side. “Ready to go?”

“Yes, the sooner we get out of here, the sooner we get back home and I can strip you down and have my wicked way with you.” I grabbed Miles by the front of his T-shirt and kissed his lips.

Our hazy love spell was broken when a scream rattled the walls. Miles, Renee, Raj, and I ran back up the steps to see what the commotion was about. The deafening screams came from Debbie and Bob’s room. I pushed my way into the room and sucked in a startled breath. There was Debbie with a bloody knife, and Bob’s lifeless body on the ground.

“Holy fuck!” I yelled, backing out of the room and into Miles. “Wh-wh-what happened?” I mumbled. Renee stood next to me with her hands over her mouth.

“Exactly what was supposed to happen,” Debbie said in a malicious tone. “The old asshole was supposed to be killed until you ruined everything with your fucking food fight. The idiot was having an affair, and all my money was at risk. This was my chance to off him and make it look like it was all part of the game. Do you understand what it’s like to have sex with this shriveled dick? It was deplorable and sickening. There wasn’t enough Viagra in the world to help his dick get hard.”

A gentle laugh came from somewhere in the room, and Bob’s dead body shook with mirth.

“Oh my God, he’s alive! Call 911… again!” I screamed.

“Alan,” Debbie groaned. “How are you supposed to be dead if you start giggling. Dead people don’t laugh, you moron.”

My eyes turned into large saucers as I looked from Debbie, who had completely lost her southern twang, to a not dead Bob… or Alan on the floor.

“I’m sorry, Sarah.” Bob, or was it Alan, sat up and laughed. “I lost in when you said the bit about Viagra.”

“Someone better explain this fast before I whip out my karate skills and beat everyone’s ass down,” I said.

Renee leaned into me. “Um, you don’t have any karate kills.”

“Shut it. I watch Walker, Texas Ranger with Chuck Norris.”

Debbie/Sarah walked over to Bob/Alan and helped him off the floor. “My name is Sarah Morgan and this is my husband Alan. We own the house.”

“Oh my God. I’ve stepped into One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” I flapped my arms while chiming out “cuckoo.”

“Things weren’t exactly supposed to go this way, but Alan had to brush up on his acting skills.”

“So you’re… actors?” Renee asked.

“Yes. This whole thing was a setup.” Sarah smiled as if she just won a Tony for best actress.

“What about Sean and Marie? They were taken away by the police?” Raj added.

“Actually, they’re down the block having a cup of coffee. Everyone was in the charade, including Sam and Destiny. They’re drama students at the local college.”

A minute or two passed before everything came pouring out like explosive diarrhea. “You’re fucking telling me we drove through Cowville, USA to stay in this Agatha Christie piece of shit house. And Sam, or whatever the hell his name is, was hitting on me for no reason, but to get your jollies off? To top it off the worse offense: A poor Danish had to die on my behalf! What about the matzo balls? Were they real? Or were they just store brand biscuit dough that had no special meaning to anyone but me?”

“Aww, what happened? Did she figure it out?” Ryan said with disappointment as he came into the room.

“You!” I turned ready to charge Ryan like a bull seeing red. “This was your stupid idea?”

“I thought it would be a great Halloween prank—”

Before he could finish what he was about to say, I charged him and we both went crashing to the ground. I hit him over and over, screeching something about dead Danishes and mythical matzo balls while Miles, Renee, and Raj tried to pull me off what would be a very dead Ryan if I had my way.

Later that night and many scratches on my arms later, Miles and I walked into his house. Dilion and Kelly where on the couch watching television. “Dad, Moxie! Your home early, I thought you weren’t coming back until tomorrow.”

“We thought we’d come back early and spend time with you.” Miles picked up his son and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“I was just going to tuck him into bed,” Kelly said as she stood up and turned off the television.

Dilion turned in Miles’s arms. “Moxie, will you read me a bedtime story?”

“Sure, bud. Go brush your teeth and I’ll be right in.” Miles put Dilion down, and he scurried off to get ready. Miles and I said our good-byes and thank-yous to Kelly for looking after Dilion.

“You okay?” Miles asked, rubbing the scratches on my arms.

I let out a small laugh. “I’m fine. Ryan fights like a girl.” Miles followed my laughter and kissed my arm and then kissed my lips.

“Get Dilion settled and then come to bed. Then I can show you my spooky ghost hiding under the sheets.” He winked as he took our bags to the bedroom.

I walked into Dilion’s room and found him already tucked in to his bed. “Moxie, tell me one of your stories.”

“Are you sure? This one could get scary.”

“Yes!”

I grabbed an extra blanket off Dilion’s bed and took the flashlight, which he kept on his nightstand. I turned off the light and covered my head with the blanket. Then I turned the flashlight on and pointed it to my face. Dilion giggled as he crept under the covers even more. I began my horror story.

“On a dark, spooky night. There was a beautiful woman who was in a graveyard. She was being followed by something very rare. It was something she’d only read of in books, and she didn’t believe it truly existed.”

Dilion peeked out from under his blanket. “What was it? Lost treasure? Someone who was killed?

“No. Something far worse.”

Dilion gasped.

I moved my eyes side to side, pretending to look if someone was listening, and then whispered, “It was the perfect matzo ball.”

As a little girl it was always a dream for Z.B. Heller to become She-Ra Princess of Power. Since this dream was unobtainable, she spent what was probably way too long in college trying to "find herself". Becoming an artist scratched the creative itch until the stories in her head were getting to be too loud for her to get anything else accomplished. She lives in St. Louis with her husband, son and Flemish Giant rabbit, Chloe. In her spare time she likes to read, stalk celebrities on Twitter and create the type of art that people scratch their heads about.

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The Chronicles of Moxie