Shopaholic and Sister

Seventeen

OH MY GOD. I’m here.

It’s five hours later and I’m actually here, in Cumbria, in Jess’s village. I’m in the North!

I’m walking along the main road of Scully — and it’s so scenic! It’s just like Gary described, with the drystone walls and everything. On either side of me are old stone houses with slate roofs. Beyond the houses are steep, craggy hills with rocks jutting out and sheep grazing on the grass, and looming high above all the others is one huge hill which is practically a mountain.

As I pass a gorgeous little stone cottage I notice a curtain twitching and someone peering out at me. I suppose I do look a teeny bit conspicuous with my red and lime green suitcases. My wheels are trundling noisily on the road, plus my hatbox is banging up and down with every step I take. As I walk past a bench, two old ladies in print dresses and cardigans eye me suspiciously and I can see one pointing to my pink suede shoes. I give them a friendly smile and am about to say “I got them at Barneys!” when they get up and shuffle off together, still glancing back at me. I take a few more strides along the street, then stop, panting slightly.

It’s quite hilly, isn’t it? Not that there’s anything wrong with hills. This isn’t a problem for me at all. But even so, I might just take a few moments to admire the countryside and get my breath back. The taxi driver offered to take me to the door, but I told him I’d rather walk the last bit, just to steady my nerves. I’m starting to feel a bit jittery about seeing Jess again, which is ridiculous because I had hours on the train to prepare.

I even ended up getting some expert help! I’d popped into the train bar and ordered a Bloody Mary — just for a bit of Dutch courage — and there was a whole group of Shakespearean actors, swigging wine and smoking, on tour with Henry V. We got to chatting and I ended up telling them the whole story and how I was off to try and reconcile with Jess. And they all got quite stirred up. They said it was just like King Lear, and ordered Bloody Marys all round, and insisted on coaching me in my speech.

I’m not sure I’ll do every single thing they suggested. Like calling myself a “wretched wench.” But a lot of their tips were really helpful! For example, never upstage your fellow actor, which means never stand so they have to turn away from the audience. They all agreed this was the worst possible thing I could do to my sister, and if I did, there would be zero chance of a reconciliation and frankly they wouldn’t blame her. I pointed out there wouldn’t be an audience, but they said nonsense, a crowd would gather.

The wind is blowing my hair all over the place, and I can feel my lips getting chapped by the strong northern air, so I get out my lip salve and put some on. Then, with a twinge, I reach for my mobile phone for the millionth time to see if Luke has called and I’ve somehow missed it. But there’s no signal at all. We must be out of the area. I stare for a minute at the blank little display, my heart beating with stupid hope. If there’s no signal, maybe he’s tried to call! Maybe he’s phoning right this minute and he just can’t get through…

But deep down inside I know it’s not true. Six hours have gone by since he left. If he wanted to call, he would have called before now.

Our row has been echoing angrily round my brain all day. Luke’s harsh voice. The way he looked at me just before he left, so disappointed and weary. All the things he said. To my horror, tears suddenly start pricking at my eyes, and I furiously blink them back. I’m not going to cry. It’s all going to be OK. I’m going to make amends and turn into a new person and Luke won’t even recognize me.

Determined, I start wheeling my cases up the hill again, until I reach the corner of Hill Rise. I stop and peer along the gray stone terrace of cottages, stiff with apprehension. This is Jess’s road. She lives in one of these houses!

I’m reaching in my pocket to check the exact number when suddenly I notice a movement in an upstairs window a few houses along. I look up — and it’s Jess! She’s standing at the window, gaping down at me in utter astonishment.

Despite everything that’s happened between us, I feel a swell of emotion at the sight of her familiar face. This is my sister, after all. I start running up the street, my cases trundling behind me, my hatbox bouncing up and down. I reach the door, breathless, and am about to lift the knocker, when the door opens. Jess is standing in front of me in pale brown cords and a sweatshirt, looking aghast.

“Becky… what the hell are you doing here?”

“Jess, I want to learn from you,” I say in a wobbly voice, and lift my hands in supplication like the Shakespearean actors told me. “I’ve come to be your apprentice.”

“What?” She takes a step backwards in horror. “Becky, have you been drinking?”

“No! I mean, yes. A few Bloody Marys, maybe… but I’m not drunk, I promise! Jess, I want to be a good person.” The words come tumbling out in a rush. “I want to learn from you. And get to know you. I know I’ve made mistakes in life… but I want to learn from them. I’m sorry I didn’t listen before, but now I’m ready. Jess, I want to be like you.”

There’s an ominous silence.

“You want to be like me?” she says at last. “I thought I was a ‘skinflint miserable cow.’ ”

Damn. I was hoping she might have forgotten about that.

“Er… I’m really sorry I said that,” I mutter, abashed. “I didn’t mean it.”

Jess isn’t looking convinced. Quickly I cast my mind back to the coaching session on the train. “Time has healed the wounds between us… ” I begin, reaching out for her hand.

“No, it hasn’t!” says Jess, pulling it away. “And you’ve got a bloody nerve coming here.”

“But I’m asking you to help me, as my sister!” I say desperately. “I want to learn from you! You’re Yoda, and I’m—”

“Yoda?” Jess’s eyes widen in disbelief.

“You don’t look like Yoda,” I add hastily. “Nothing like! I just meant—”

“Yeah, well, I’m not interested,” Jess interrupts. “In you, or your latest stupid idea. Just go away.”

She slams the front door shut, leaving me standing on the street. Jess has shut the door on me? Me, her own sister?

“But I’ve come all the way here from London!” I call through the door.

There’s no reply.

I refuse to give up. Not just like that.

“Jess!” I start hammering on the door. “You have to let me in! Please! I know we’ve had our differences—”

“Leave my door alone!” The door is wrenched open and Jess is standing there again. But this time she doesn’t just look hostile. She looks positively livid. “Becky, we haven’t just had our differences! We are different. I have no time for you. Frankly, I wish I’d never met you. And I have no idea what you’re doing here.”

“You don’t understand,” I say quickly, before she can slam the door again. “Everything’s gone wrong. Luke and I have argued. I… I did something stupid.”

“Well, there’s a surprise.” Jess folds her arms.

“I know I’ve brought it on myself.” My voice starts to tremble. “I know it’s my own fault. But I think our marriage is in real trouble. I really do.”

As I say the words, I can feel tears threatening again. I blink hard, trying to hold them off.

“Jess… please help me. You’re the only person I can think of. If I could learn from you, maybe Luke would come round. He likes you.” I feel a tightening in my throat, but force myself to look right at her. “He likes you better than he likes me.”

Jess shakes her head, but I can’t tell whether it’s because she doesn’t believe me or she doesn’t care.

“Go home,” she says flatly.

“But—”

“Don’t you understand English? Go home!” She waves her hand as though she’s shooing a dog.

“But… I’m your family!” My voice is starting to shake. “Family help each other! Family watch out for one another. Jess, I’m your sister—”

“Well, that’s not my fault,” says Jess curtly. “I never asked to be your sister. Bye, Becky.”

She slams the door shut again, so hard that I flinch. I lift my hand to knock again — but there’s no point, is there?

I’ve come all this way for nothing.

What do I do now? Slowly, I turn round and start trundling my suitcases back along the street.

The thought of going straight home again is unbearable. All those hours on the train — to what? An empty flat. An empty flat and no husband.

And at the thought of Luke, suddenly I can’t keep control of myself any longer. Tears start pouring down my cheeks and I can’t help but begin sobbing. As I reach the corner, a couple of women with prams look at me curiously, but I barely notice. I’m crying too hard. My makeup must have smeared everywhere… and I haven’t got a free hand to get a hankie, so I’m having to sniff… I need to stop. I need to sort myself out.

There’s a kind of village green to my left, with a wooden bench in the middle. I head for it, then drop my cases and sink down, my head in my hands, and give way to a stream of fresh tears.

Here I am, hundreds of miles away from home, all on my own and no one wants to know me. And it’s all my own fault. I’ve ruined everything.

And Luke will never love me again.

I have a sudden vision of me moving out. Packing up my shoes. Luke telling me he wants to keep the Indonesian gamelan…

Dimly I hear a man’s voice above my head. “Now, now. What’s all this?”

I look up blearily to see a middle-aged man in tan cords and a green jumper looking down at me, half disapproving, half concerned.

“Is it the end of the world?” he says in abrupt tones. “You’ve old people trying to take naps around here.” He gestures at the cottages around the green. “You’re making so much noise, you’re scaring the sheep.”

He gestures up at the hill, where, sure enough, a couple of sheep are looking inquisitively down at me.

“I’m very sorry I’m disturbing the peace,” I gulp. “But things aren’t going that brilliantly for me at the moment.”

“A tiff with the boyfriend,” he states as though it’s a foregone conclusion.

“No, I’m married, actually.” I lift my left hand so he can see my ring. “But my marriage is in trouble. In fact, I think it might be over. And I’ve come all this way to see my sister but she won’t even speak to me… ” I can feel tears spilling over onto my cheeks again. “My mum and dad are away on a therapy cruise, and my husband’s gone to Cyprus with Nathan Temple, and my best friend likes someone else more than me, and I haven’t got anyone to talk to. And I just don’t know where to go! I mean, literally, I don’t know where to go after I get up from this bench… ”

I give an enormous hiccup, reach for a tissue, and wipe my streaming eyes. Then I look up.

The man looks nonplussed.

“Tell you what, love,” he says a bit more kindly. “How does a cup of tea sound?”

“A cup of tea sounds wonderful.” I falter. “Thank you very much.”

He heads across the green, carrying both my suitcases as though they weigh nothing, while I totter behind with my hatbox.

“I’m Jim, by the way,” he says over his shoulder.

“I’m Becky.” I blow my nose. “This is really kind of you. I was going to have a cup of tea in London, but I’d run out of milk. In fact… that’s kind of how I ended up here.”

“Long way for a cup of tea,” he observes dryly.

That was only this morning, I suddenly realize. It seems a million years ago now.

“We’re not about to run out of milk, anyway,” he adds, turning into a cottage with SCULLY STORES in black lettering above the doorway. A bell starts tinkling as we walk in, and from somewhere at the back I can hear a dog barking.

“Oh.” I look around with fresh interest. “This is a shop!”

“This is the shop,” he corrects me. He puts down my cases and gently moves me off the mat, at which point the bell stops tinkling. “Been in the family for fifty-five years.”

“Wow.” I look around the cozy store. There are racks of fresh bread, shelves with tins and packets lined up neatly, old-fashioned jars of sweets, and a display of postcards and gift items. “This is lovely! So… are you Mr. Scully?”

Jim looks bemused. “Scully is the name of the village we’re in, love.”

“Oh yes.” I blush. “I forgot.”

“My name’s Smith. And I think you need that cup of tea. Kelly?” He raises his voice, and a few moments later a girl appears through a door at the back. She’s about thirteen, skinny, with fine brown hair pulled into a ponytail and carefully made-up eyes. She’s wearing jeans and a pink sleeveless T-shirt, and is holding a Heat magazine.

“I was minding the shop, honest, Dad,” she says at once. “I just went upstairs for a magazine—”

“It’s OK, love. I’d like you to make a nice cup of tea for this lady. She’s been through a bit of… distress.”

“Oh, right.” Kelly peers at me a bit doubtfully, and it suddenly occurs to me that I must look an absolute fright.

“Would you like to sit down?” Jim pulls out a chair.

“Thanks,” I say gratefully. I put down my hatbox and fish in my Angel bag for my makeup case. I snap open my mirror and peer at myself — and oh God. I have never looked worse in my life. My nose is all red, my eyes are bloodshot, my eyeliner is smudged like a panda, and a streak of turquoise “24-hour eye dazzle” has somehow ended up on my cheek.

I quickly take out a cleansing wipe and get rid of the whole lot until my face is bare and pink, staring sadly at me from the mirror. Half of me feels like leaving it at that. Why should I put on any makeup? What’s the point, if my marriage is over?

“Here you are.” A steaming cup of tea appears in front of me on the counter, and I look up to see Kelly watching me avidly.

“Thank you so much,” I say, my voice still a little unsteady. “You’re really sweet.”

“It’s no trouble,” says Kelly, as I take the first delicious sip. God, a cup of tea is the answer to everything.

“Is that…” I look up, to see Kelly suddenly gawping at my bag with eyes like dinner plates. It must have been hidden behind the hatbox before. “Is that… a real Angel bag?”

I feel a huge inward twinge, which I manage to hide with a weak smile. If she only knew.

“Yes. It’s a real Angel bag.”

“Dad, she’s got an Angel bag!” Kelly exclaims to Jim, who’s unloading bags of sugar from a box. “I showed you about them in Glamour magazine!” Her eyes are shining with excitement. “All the film stars have got them! They’ve sold out at Harrods! Where did you get yours?”

“In… Milan,” I say after a pause.

“Milan!” breathes Kelly. “That’s so cool!” Now her eyes have fallen on the contents of my makeup bag. “Is that Stila lip gloss?”

“Er… yes.”

“Emily Masters has got Stila lip gloss,” she says wistfully. “She thinks she’s all that.”

I look at her lit-up eyes and flushed cheeks, and suddenly I want to be thirteen again. Going to the shops on Saturday to spend my allowance. With nothing to worry about except biology homework and whether James Fullerton fancied me.

“Look… have this,” I say, scrabbling in my makeup bag for a brand-new Stila lip gloss in grapefruit. “I’m never going to use it.”

“Really?” Kelly gasps. “Are you sure?”

“And do you want this cream blusher?” I hand over the box. “Not that you need blusher…”

“Wow!”

“Now, wait just a moment,” comes Jim’s voice from across the shop. “Kelly, you can’t take this lady’s makeup off her.” He shakes his head at her. “Give them back, love.”

“She offered, Dad!” says Kelly, her translucent skin staining pink. “I didn’t ask for them or anything—”

“Honestly, Jim. Kelly can have them. I’m never going to use them. I only bought them in the first place because you got a free perfume if you spent over eighty quid… ”

Suddenly tears spring up in my eyes again. God, Jess is right. I’m a total flake.

“Are you OK?” says Kelly in alarm. “Have them back—”

“No, I’m fine.” I force a smile. “I just need to… think about something else.”

I dab my eyes with a tissue, get to my feet, and wander over to the gift display. I might as well get some souvenirs while I’m here. I pick up a pipe rack for Dad and a painted wooden tray which Mum will like. I’m just looking at a glass model of Lake Windermere and wondering whether to get it for Janice, when I notice two women standing outside the window. As I watch, they’re joined by a third.

“What are they waiting for?” I say in puzzlement.

“This,” says Jim. He looks at his watch, then puts out a sign reading TODAY’S BREAD HALF PRICE.

Immediately the women come bustling into the shop.

“I’ll take two bloomers, please, Jim,” says one with metal-gray hair and a beige mac. “Have you any reduced croissants?”

“Not today,” says Jim. “All full price.”

“Oh…” She thinks for a moment. “No, I won’t bother.”

“I’ll take three large wholemeal,” chimes in the second woman. She’s wearing a green head scarf and holding a big brown handbag. “Who’s this?” She jerks her thumb at me. “We saw you crying on the green. Are you a tourist?”

“They always get themselves lost,” says the first woman. “Which hotel are you at, love? Does she speak English? Speke Inglese?”

“She looks Danish,” says the third woman knowledgeably. “Who speaks Danish?”

“I’m English,” I say. “And I’m not lost. I was upset because…” I hesitate, trying to sound matter-of-fact. “Because my marriage is in trouble. And I came up here to ask my sister for help, but she wouldn’t give it to me.”

“Your sister?” says the woman in the head scarf suspiciously. “Who’s your sister?”

“She lives in this village.” I take a sip of tea. “She’s called Jessica Bertram.”

The women look like I’ve hit them over the head with a hammer. I look around in confusion, to see Jim’s jaw has dropped by about a foot.

“You’re Jess’s sister?” he says.

“Well… yes. I am. Her half sister.”

I look around the shop, but no one’s moved. Everyone is still gaping at me as if I’m an alien.

“I know we’re a bit different to look at…” I begin.

“She said you were mad,” says Kelly bluntly.

“Kelly!” says Jim.

“What?” I look from face to face. “She said what?”

“Nothing!” says Jim, darting a warning look at Kelly.

“We all knew she was going to see her long-lost sister,” says Kelly, ignoring him. “And when she came back, she said you were crazy and lived in a fantasy world. I’m sorry, Dad, but it’s true!”

I can feel my cheeks growing bright red.

“I’m not crazy!” I say. “I’m normal! I’m just… a bit different from Jess. We like different things. She likes rocks. I like… shops.”

“Are you not interested in rocks, then?” says the woman with the green head scarf.

“Not really,” I admit. “In fact… that was a bit of an issue between us.”

“What happened?” Kelly asks, clearly rapt.

“Well…” I scuff my foot awkwardly on the floor. “I told Jess I’d never heard of a more boring hobby than rocks in my life, and that it suited her.”

There’s a universal gasp of incredulity.

“You don’t want to be rude about rocks to Jess,” says the beige-mac woman, shaking her head. “She loves those rocks of hers, bless her.”

“Jess is a good girl,” chimes in the green — head-scarf woman, giving me a stern look. “Sturdy. Reliable. She’d make a fine sister.”

“Couldn’t hope for better,” agrees the third woman, pulling her cable-knit cardigan around her.

Their looks make me feel defensive.

“It’s not my fault! I want to reconcile with her! But she isn’t interested in being my sister! I just don’t know how it all went wrong. I so wanted to be friends. I arranged this whole weekend for her, but she didn’t like any of it. And she was so disapproving. We ended up having a huge row… and I called her all sorts of things… ”

“What things?” Kelly asks avidly.

“Well…” I rub my nose. “I said she was a misery. I said she was really boring… ”

There’s another huge gasp. Kelly raises a hand as though to stop me, but I don’t want to stop. This is cathartic. Now I’ve started, I want to confess everything.

“… and the most skinflint person I’d ever met in my life.” I’m goaded by their appalled faces. It’s like I’m on the crest of a roller coaster. “With zero dress sense, who must have had a fun bypass operation—”

I realize there’s a tinkling sound in the air. A tinkling sound which, now that I think about it, has been going on for a few seconds. Cold to the core, I turn round.

Jess is standing in the doorway, her face pale.

“Jess!” I stammer. “God, Jess! I wasn’t… I didn’t mean any of… I was just explaining… ”

“I heard you were in here,” she says, speaking with an obvious struggle. “I came to see if you were OK. To see if you wanted a bed for the night. But… I think I’ve changed my mind.” She looks directly at me. “I knew you were shallow and spoiled, Becky. I didn’t realize you were a two-faced bitch as well.”

She turns and strides out, closing the door behind her with a bang.

Kelly is bright red; Jim’s looking anywhere but me. The whole atmosphere is prickling with awkwardness.

Then the woman in the green head scarf folds her arms.

“Well,” she says. “You buggered that one up, didn’t you, love?”

I’m in a state of total shock.

I came up here to reconcile with Jess — and all I’ve done is made things worse.

“Here you are, love,” says Jim, placing a fresh mug of tea in front of me. “Three sugars.”

The three women are all drinking cups of tea too. Jim’s introduced them to me as Edie (green head scarf), Lorna (metal-gray hair), and Bea (cable-knit cardigan) and has even produced a cake. I get the feeling they’re all waiting for me to do something else to entertain them.

“I’m not a two-faced bitch,” I say in despair. “Honestly! I’m nice! I came here to build bridges! I mean, I know Jess and I don’t get along. But I wanted to learn from her. I thought she could help me save my marriage… ”

There’s a sharp intake of breath around the shop.

“Is her marriage in trouble as well?” Edie says to Jim, and clicks her tongue. “Dear, oh, dear.”

“It never rains but it pours,” booms Lorna lugubriously. “Run off with a fancy woman, has he?”

Jim glances at me, then leans toward the women, lowering his voice.

“Apparently he’s gone to Cyprus with a man called Nathan.”

“Oh.” Edie’s eyes open very wide. “Oh, I see.”

“What are you going to do, Becky?” says Kelly, biting her lip.

Go home, flashes through my mind. Give up.

But I keep seeing Jess’s pale face in my mind, and feeling a little stab in my heart. I know just what it’s like to be bitched about. I’ve known enough horrible bitches in my time. An image comes to me of Alicia Bitch Long-legs, the meanest, snidest girl I ever knew.

I can’t bear it if my own sister thinks I’m like her.

“I have to apologize to Jess,” I say, looking up. “I know we’ll never be friends. But I can’t go home with her thinking the worst of me.” I take a sip of scalding tea, then look up. “Is there anywhere I can stay around here?”

“Edie runs a bed-and-breakfast,” says Jim. “Got any rooms free, Edie?”

Edie reaches into her huge brown bag, then brings out a notebook and consults it.

“You’re in luck,” she says, looking up. “I’ve one deluxe single left.”

“Edie’ll take good care of you,” Jim says, so kindly that I feel ridiculous tears welling up again.

“Could I take it for tonight, please?” I say, wiping my eyes. “Thank you very much.” I take another sip of tea, then notice my mug. It’s blue pottery with Scully handpainted on it in white. “This is nice,” I say with a gulp. “Do you sell them?”

“On the rack at the back,” says Jim, looking at me with amusement.

“Could I have two? I mean, four?” I reach for a tissue and blow my nose. “And I just want to say… thank you. You’re all being so nice.”

The bed-and-breakfast is a large white house directly across the green. Jim carries my suitcases and I carry my hatbox and my carrier bag full of souvenirs, and Edie follows behind me, giving me a list of rules I have to keep.

“No gentleman visitors after eleven… no parties of more than three people in the room… no abuse of solvents or aerosol cans… payment in advance, cash or check accepted, much obliged,” she concludes as we reach the lit-up door.

“All right from here, Becky?” says Jim, putting my cases down.

“I’ll be fine. And thank you so much,” I say, feeling so grateful, I half-want to give him a kiss. But I don’t quite dare to — so I just watch as he walks off across the grass again.

“Much obliged,” repeats Edie meaningfully.

“Oh!” I say, realizing she means she wants to be paid. “Absolutely!”

I scrabble inside my bag for my purse, and my fingers brush against my mobile phone. From force of habit I pull it out and peer at the display. But there’s still no signal.

“You can use the pay phone in the hall if there’s anyone you want to call,” says Edie. “We have a pull-down privacy hood.”

Is there anyone I want to call?

With a twinge I think of Luke in Cyprus, still furious with me; Mum and Dad engrossed in a therapy workshop on their cruise; and Suze, picnicking on some picturesque sun-dappled lawn with Lulu and all their children in cute overalls.

“No. It’s OK,” I say, trying to smile. “I haven’t got anyone to call. To be honest… no one will have even noticed I’ve gone.”

5 jun 03 16:54

to Becky

from Suze

Bex. Sorry I missed u. Why aren’t u answering the phone? Had disastrous day at picnic. We all got stung by wasps. I miss u. Am coming to London to visit. Call me.

Suzexxxx

6 jun 03 10:02

to Becky

from Suze

Hi, Bex, I’m here. Where RU? Please call!!!!

Suzex

6 jun 03 2:36

to Becky

from Suze

Bex. Where RU????????????????

Suzexxxx