Summer’s End

9

“Good morning.” She heard Ben’s voice softly in her ear. She opened one eye. The room was unfamiliar. She was staring at a pale-yellow wall. Someone had thrown wide the shutters on the large windows that looked out at the bay, and sun streamed into the room. There were trees just outside his window, and she could hear birds singing. It was a splendid, hot summer day, more like September than June.

Deanna let her eyes wander across the pale-yellow wall, and quickly she was entranced by a watercolor of a beach, and then by a smaller pastel, and an oil. The artwork was all very subtle and sunny, not unlike Ben himself. She propped herself up on one elbow with a yawn and a stretch and a smile. He was looking down at her with the face of new love.

“I’ve been waiting for you for an hour. I thought you’d never get up!” He suddenly sounded less like a lover than a small boy, and she laughed.

“I think I was a trifle tired.” She smiled again and slid back into the sheets, with one hand on his thigh. It had been a long, delicious night in his arms, and they hadn’t fallen asleep until dawn.

“Is that a complaint?”

“Uh-uh.” She let her lips drift up his leg and then stop at his hip, where she kissed the pale, tender white skin where a small vein throbbed. “Good morning, my love.” She smiled at the life she saw stirring, and Ben pulled her gently back into his arms.

“Have I told you yet this morning how much I love you?” He was looking tenderly into her eyes, and there was something in his face she had dreamed of and painted but never seen. It was a kind of passion, a kind of unfettered love. It was something that she had long ago longed for and ceased to believe could exist. “I love you, Deanna… I love you…” His words melted away on her lips as he kissed her for the first time that morning and let his body slide slowly over hers. She protested faintly but with laughter and squirms as he pressed her close to him. “You have an objection?” He looked amused and surprised; he didn’t look as though he would be swayed by whatever she said.

“I haven’t even brushed my teeth! Or combed my hair… or…” Her words kept fading, swept away by his kisses, as she giggled and ran her hands through his uncombed hair. “Ben… I have to…”

“No, you don’t. I love you like this.” He seemed sure.

“But I…”

“Shhh…”

“Ben!” But this time she forgot about her teeth and her hair; she was too happy right where she was, swept away, adrift on a sea of delight as his whole body seemed to enter her soul.

“Sleepy, darling?” His voice was a whisper when they finally spoke. Almost two hours had passed, and she was curled happily in his arms, one leg braided between his.

“Mm-hmm… Ben?”

“Yes?” His voice was so soft on the warm, summer morning.

“I love you.” Hers was almost the voice of a child.

“I love you, too. Now go to sleep.”

And she did, for another two hours. When she opened her eyes, he was standing at the foot of the bed, dressed and holding a tray. She woke up in surprise. He was wearing a businesslike, striped blue suit. “What are you doing?” Confused, she sat up in bed and ran a hand through her hair. Suddenly she felt very naked and unkempt, as the sweet smell of their lovemaking drifted up from the bed. “How long have I slept?”

“Not very long. I’d look like that too except I have a luncheon at the gallery. I canceled one yesterday and if I cancel this one too, Sally will quit. But I won’t be gone long.” He placed the tray on her knees as she sat back against the pillows in the large double bed. “I hope that’ll do.” There were croissants, fruit, café au lait, and one carefully poached egg. “I wasn’t sure what you like for breakfast.” He looked very young again as he smiled.

Deanna looked at the breakfast in astonishment and then at him. What could she say? He had appeared in her life on a beach in Carmel, and now he was making her poached eggs and croissants for breakfast and apologizing for not knowing what she liked. They had made love all through the night and for most of the morning; he had told her he loved her, and she him; she didn’t even feel guilty for waking up in his bed and not her own-the bed she had shared for eighteen years with Marc. She didn’t even give a damn about Marc this morning. She felt happy and young and in love, and all she wanted was what she had with Ben. She looked up at him with a rapturous smile and a sigh as she picked up a croissant.

“I warn you, sir, if you spoil me rotten, I will be unbearable in less than a week.”

“No, you won’t.” He said it with certainty and amusement. Suddenly he seemed very grown-up once again.

“Yes, I will.” She closed her eyes blissfully as she ate the roll. “I’ll come to expect croissants every morning, and poached eggs, and café au lait…” She opened her eyes again. They were very bright and very full of mischief. “I’ll even expect you to stay home from the office every day, just so we can make love.”

“No, you won’t.”

“Oh, no? Why won’t I?”

“Because tomorrow it’s your turn to make breakfast for me. This is a democracy, Deanna. We live here together; we take turns. We spoil each other. We make each other poached eggs.” He leaned down to kiss her one last time. “And I like mine fried.”

“I’ll make a note of that.” She grinned at him.

He stood up. “I’ll remind you.”

“O.K.” She went on eating her breakfast, perfectly happy and at ease. She felt as though they had lived together for months if not years. It did not seem strange at all to have him smile happily at her naked breasts as she sipped café au lait from a bright-yellow mug. Everything between them was comfortable and easy and real. It was a far cry from the formality and rituals in her own home. And she found that she liked Ben’s way better. The yellow mug in her hand had a feel of solidity. It felt strong, not like the prissy blue-flowered Limoges from Marc’s mother.

“What are you doing today?”

“I think first of all I’ll take a bath.” She wrinkled her nose, and they both laughed.

“I love you just like that.”

“You’re a piggy.” She held her arms up to him though, and he kissed her again. When he pulled away, he rolled his eyes with regret.

“God, maybe I’ll have to cancel that lunch after all.”

“There’s later. Or”-she started to ask him if they would see each other that night, but she could already see the answer in his eyes.

“No ‘or,’ Deanna. I’ll be finished at the gallery at five. I thought we could go somewhere quiet for dinner. Maybe somewhere in Marin?”

“I’d love it.” She sat back against the pillows with a broad smile, but she noticed that there was a shadow of concern in his eyes. “Something wrong?”

“Not for me. But I-I was wondering how you feel about-about going out. I don’t want to create any difficult situations for you.” He had to remind himself that she had another life. That she would never be entirely his. That she was on loan. Like a masterpiece from a foreign museum, not something he could own and keep on his gallery wall. It would make her infinitely more precious in the time that they’d share. “Won’t it create a problem for you if we go out?” He looked at her very openly, his green eyes tender and wide.

“It doesn’t have to. It will depend on what we do, where we go, how we behave. I think it could be all right.” He nodded, saying nothing, and she held out a hand. He took it silently and sat down again on the bed.

“I don’t want to do anything that will hurt you later.”

“You won’t. Now stop worrying. Everything will be fine.”

“I mean it though, Deanna. I would hate it if you suffered for this afterward.”

“Don’t you think we both will?”

He looked up in surprise, “What do you mean?”

“I mean that this is going to be the most beautiful summer of my life, and hopefully yours. When it ends, when we both go back to our own lives, don’t you think that we’ll suffer?”

He nodded and looked down at the graceful hand he held tightly in his own. “Do you regret what we decided?”

Deanna threw back her head and laughed a silvery laugh before kissing him tenderly on the cheek. “Not for a moment.” And then she grew serious again. “But I think we’d be crazy if we expected not to suffer later. If it’s worth a damn, if it’s beautiful, if we really care… then we will. We’ll have to accept that.”

“I do. For myself. But-”

“But what? You don’t want me to hurt too? You don’t want me to feel it? Or to love you? Don’t be crazy, Ben. It’s worth it.”

“I understand that. I agree. But I also want to be discreet. I don’t want to create problems for you with Marc.” She almost cringed at the sound of his name. Ben leaned toward her again, kissed her quickly, then stood. “I think we’ve said enough for one morning.” He hated to think of what would happen at the end of the summer, but it was hard to believe that time would come. Their moments together had just begun. “Where will you be at five?” He looked at her over his shoulder from the door. “Here?”

She shook her head. “I’d better go home.”

“Shall I pick you up there?” He looked dubious for a moment.

“I’ll meet you here.”

He nodded, smiled, and was gone. She heard the little German car drive away a moment later, as she walked around the room, and then sat naked on the edge of the bed and crossed one leg. She was smiling to herself. She wanted to sing. She felt wonderful, and she was in love. What a lovely man he was, how gentle and how careful and how wise. And he amused her too; he loved to laugh, loved to tell silly stories and endless funny tales. He had spent hours the previous night telling her stories of his youth, showing her albums of photographs of himself as a child, and his parents and sister and their friends, many of them famous artists and actors and playwrights and writers. The albums still lay spread out on the floor.

He had a comfortable little house, very different from the cottage in Carmel. The place in Carmel was larger and wore the same bland, sandy colors as the beach, whites, beiges, grays, dust-colored woods, and soft off-white wools. The city house was a tiny “bijou” nestled high on Telegraph Hill and crammed full of paintings and books. There were two deep, red-leather couches in a living room walled with handsomely bound volumes, mostly about art. The walls were a soft beige that enhanced the two paintings he’d hung; the floors were of old burnished wood, and the rug was Oriental but not as fine as the ones Marc had brought back for her years before from Iran. Ben’s little home was not a showplace; it was warm and lovely and a place he clearly liked to be, to spend evenings with his artists or his friends. There was an often used fireplace with brass andirons he had found in France and a bass fiddle propped up in one corner. He had a small piano and a guitar, a handsome, old English desk and a bronze bust of Cézanne. Throughout, there was a kind of friendly scramble, a kind of elegant wear and tear. Some of the objects were of value, but most were only of value to him and the people who loved him. The living room was very Ben, as was the pretty little yellow bedroom that looked east over the bay, and that was as bright as the morning sun. It boasted a tiny terrace filled with an array of bright flowering plants, and two comfortable, faded canvas chairs. Other than that there was a kitchen and one extra room, in which Ben housed his work-a few rare paintings, many files, another desk. The additional room allowed him to work at home, and like his car, was useful but not luxurious. As Deanna looked around, she realized again that he was an odd mixture of comfort and style, and he always seemed to happily marry the two in a way that was uniquely his. Deanna slipped into his blue-and-black silk bathrobe and wandered out onto the terrace. She sat down on one of the faded canvas chairs. It had once been a bright parrot green, now sun-bleached to a very pale lime. She stretched her legs out for a moment, turning her face to the sun and thinking of him, wondering where he was-already at the gallery? Having lunch? Signing checks with Sally? Talking to Gustave? She liked the way he led his life, what he did, how he handled the people around him-how he handled her. She found that she even liked the idea of taking turns making breakfast-a democracy, he’d called it. It was just a very pleasant way to live. She let the robe fall slightly open, and smiled as she felt the bright warmth of the sun. In a while she would go home to her studio and paint. But not yet. She was too happy sitting in the sun like a cat, thinking of Ben.

“Grazie Signore… Signora Duras.” The concierge at the Hassler bowed formally to Chantal and Marc as they checked out of the hotel and Marc endowed him with a more than healthy tip. A car was already waiting for them outside the hotel. Their bags had been stowed in the trunk, and the driver waited to take them to the airport.

Chantal was strangely quiet as they rode to the airport. At last Marc pulled his gaze from the windows and allowed himself to seek out her eyes.

“You’re sure that’s what you want to do?”

“Absolutely.”

But it worried him. She had never been this obstinate before. She had insisted that she was not going to hide in San Remo or some other town on the Riviera. She wanted to go back to Paris and wait for him there, while he visited his family in Cap d’Antibes. So that she could steal a weekend with her lover, the man who had asked her to marry him? The implied threat had not been lost on Marc. He felt a surge of murderous jealousy.

“Just what exactly are you planning to do with yourself all weekend?” There was a decided edge to his voice, but she returned his gaze evenly as the car raced through the traffic.

“I’ll go into the office. I can’t leave everything on Marie-Ange’s shoulders. It’s bad enough that whenever we travel I have to dump everything in her lap. As long as I have the time, I might as well go in and see what’s happening there.”

“I’m impressed by your devotion to your business. That’s new, isn’t it?” It was rare for him to be sarcastic with Chantal.

But her tone matched his. “No, it’s not. You’re just not around to see it very often. What exactly did you think I was going to do?”

“Your bit of news yesterday did not go unnoticed, Chantal.”

“I said someone asked me. I did not say I accepted.”

“How comforting. One would assume, however, that he didn’t ask you on the basis of two luncheons and a tea party. I would assume that you know each other rather well.”

Chantal didn’t answer. She merely looked out the window, as secretly Marc-Edouard raged. Dammit, what did she expect of him? He couldn’t be with her more than he already was, and he could hardly propose marriage. He had Deanna.

But Chantal’s voice was oddly soft as she answered him. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Thank you.” He sighed, and his shoulders seemed to sag as he took her hand. “I love you, darling. Please, please try to understand.”

“I do try. More than you know.”

“I know it’s difficult for you. It is for me too. But at least don’t establish a competition between you and Pilar and my mother. That just isn’t fair. I need to see them too.”

“Perhaps, so do I.” There was something so sad in her voice that he didn’t know what more to say. Had he been a less rational man, he might have decided to throw reason to the winds, and taken her with him, but he simply couldn’t.

“Darling, I’m sorry.” Gently, he slipped an arm around her shoulders, and pulled her closer to him, and there was no resistance. “I’ll try to think this thing out. All right?” She nodded and said nothing, but a tear hovered on the end of her lashes, and he felt something tear at his heart. “It’s only for a few days, I’ll be home on Sunday night, and we can have dinner at Maxim’s, before we leave for Athens.”

“When are we leaving?”

“Monday or Tuesday.”

She nodded again. He held her close all the way to the airport.

Deanna turned her key in the door and stopped for a moment, listening for Margaret. There was no one at home. It was still Margaret’s day off. Could it be? Hadn’t weeks passed? Or months or even years? Had she only gone with Ben the night before to make love with him for the very first time? Had it only been eighteen hours since she’d left the house? Her heart pounded as she closed the door behind her. It had been so peaceful at his place as she bathed and got dressed. She had watched two little birds play on the terrace, and she had listened to one of his records while she made the bed. She’d grabbed a plum from a large basket of fruit in the kitchen as she left, feeling as though she had lived there for years, as though it were hers as well as his. Now, suddenly, she was here again. In Marc’s house, in the home of Monsieur and Madame Duras. She glanced at a photograph of them in a silver frame, taken during their first summer in Cap d’Antibes. Could that have been her? Standing awkwardly with a glass of white wine in her hand, while Marc chatted with his mother beneath her gigantic straw hat. How awkward she felt again just looking at it, how awkward she felt in his room. She stood at the entrance to the pale-green silk living room with the Aubusson rug, thinking that just looking at it made her feel cold. But this was her home. This was where she belonged, not in that tiny house on the hill where she had just spent the night with a strange man. What on earth was she doing?

She slipped her feet out of her sandals, walked barefoot into the chilly green room, and sat down carefully on the couch. What had she done? She had cheated on Marc for the first time in eighteen years, and it had all seemed so natural, so normal. For one entire night it was as though she didn’t even know Marc, as though she were married to Ben. She reached for a small photograph of Pilar in another silver frame and saw that her hand was shaking. Pilar was in tennis clothes; the photograph had been taken in the South of France. Deanna stared at it almost blindly. She didn’t even hear the persistent ringing of the bell. It was two or three minutes before she realized that there was someone at the door. She jumped up, startled, and put down the photograph of Pilar. Her mind raced as she walked to the door. Who was it? Who knew? And what if it was Ben? She didn’t feel ready to see him now. It was wrong what they had done. She had to tell him, she had to stop, now before it was too late, before her orderly life came apart at the seams… before…

“Who is it?”

A voice informed her that there was a package. Reluctantly, she opened the door and saw the delivery boy. “But I didn’t order…” Then she knew. They were flowers from Ben. For a moment she wanted to turn them away, send them back, pretend that the night before hadn’t happened and never would again. Instead, she held out her arms and took the bundle inside, where she pulled off the card and held it for a moment before reading what it said:

Hurry home, my darling. I’ll meet you at five.

I love you,

Ben

I love you, Ben. Her eyes ran over the words and filled with tears. I love you, Ben. It was already too late. She loved him too.

She ran upstairs to her room and packed a small bag. Then she went to the studio. That’s all she would take. Just one or two canvases, some paints, she’d make do for a while. She didn’t have to stay for more than a few days. That was all.

She left a number for Margaret and explained that she was staying with a friend. By five-thirty she was back at his house. She parked the Jaguar half a block away and walked hesitantly toward the door. What in hell was she doing? But he’d heard her on the front steps. Before she rang, he opened the door with a bow and a smile and a sweep of one arm.

“Come in. I’ve been waiting for hours.” He closed the door softly behind her. For a moment she stood there, her eyes tightly shut against tears. “Deanna? Are you all right, darling?” There was concern in his voice, but she nodded. Slowly, he put his arms around her. “Are you afraid?”

She opened her eyes and hesitantly nodded her head.

But Ben only smiled and held her very close as he whispered into her hair, “So am I.”