Summer’s End

35

Christmas came and went without any of the splendor or ceremony of years gone by. There were no expensive peignoirs from Pilar, selected by her and charged to her father’s account. There was no French perfume in crystal bottles, no diamond earrings, no fur. There were four presents from Kim, opened at midnight on the first Christmas Eve she had ever spent alone. She had been afraid of it at first, afraid of what it would be like to be alone, afraid that she wouldn’t be able to stand the loneliness or the pain. But it wasn’t lonely. And it was only a little bit sad. She found herself missing Marc and Pilar, because Christmas had always been theirs-the celebration, the noise, the ham or the goose or the turkey, Margaret in the kitchen, and mountains of boxes under the tree. It was the activity she missed, more than the riches; it was the faces she missed late at night. Pilar’s young shining one, and Marc’s in the days of long ago. There was no reaching back to them now though, they were irretrievably gone. It never occurred to her to call Marc, to hear his voice in the middle of the night. She drank hot chocolate and sat near her tree. But it did occur to her to call Ben. She guessed that he was in Carmel. Was he also alone?

In the distance, she could hear carolers wandering past, and she found herself humming “Silent Night” as she undressed. She was less tired than she had been in months, feeling better in fact than she had in a very long time. But life was much simpler now. Her only worry was financial, but she had even that under control. She had found a tiny gallery on Bridgewater that sold her work-for only a few hundred dollars each canvas-but it was enough money to pay the rent and buy whatever else she might need. She still had some money left from the jade-and-diamond earrings. And she had a safe-deposit box filled with jewelry she could sell in the next months. She would have to sell more when it came time for the baby, and eventually Marc would have to give her something after they went to court.

She smiled to herself as she slid into bed. “Merry Christmas, Baby.” She patted her stomach and lay on her back and for a moment she fought back the thoughts of Pilar. Maybe it would be another girl. But this time how different it would be.