Surrender to Love

21

“Hi,” Jon said, his voice gravelly. “I tried to call you earlier, but a nurse answered your phone. She told me you were in an accident.”

So that answered her first question, which brought up the next. “Why were you calling me?” Her chest tightened as she waited for his answer. With the news of the baby, she was hoping beyond hope that he had tried to get a hold of her because he realized he’d made a mistake.

Her hope was dashed in the next instant. “I just wanted to make sure you were alright. You left angry, and the way you sped out of there…” He trailed off, but Patti didn’t have to think very hard to know what was left unsaid. He was worried that she would get into an accident. He was worried that she’d end up like Nora. Apparently, his worries weren’t totally unfounded.

“I was upset,” she agreed, casting her eyes down to the thin blanket covering her legs.

“Is that how the accident happened?”

Patti took in his pained expression. She wanted to lie and say that it was the other driver’s fault. She didn’t want him internalizing her mistakes, but she just couldn’t do it. She couldn’t lie to Jon. “It was my fault. I wasn’t paying close enough attention.”

“Because of me.” Jon’s expression tightened with self-loathing.

“No, because of me.” Patti sat up straighter. “I was too caught up in my own head. I shouldn’t have even been driving, but I was and I made a mistake. This has nothing to do with you, Jon, so don’t even try to shoulder it.”

They stared each other down, both unwilling to give an inch. Patti wanted him to realize just how much he mattered to her, and she wanted him to stop blaming himself for everything. It just seemed so unlike the confident man she met. This man was a beaten down version of him, and she didn’t like it one bit.

Finally, he broke eye contact. His gaze scraped around the curtained room, to all the wires and tubes hooked up to her. “How are you?”

“I’m okay. The doctor said it’s just a few scrapes and bruises. Nothing major. They’re going to run a few more tests and then I’m out of here.” She watched him, his tall, dark form taking up so much space. His presence made her feel safe and protected. She wanted to offer him the same. Her brows pinched together as something occurred to her. “How did you get them to let you in here, anyway?”

Jon’s eyes narrowed slightly and he looked down at his shoes as though embarrassed to say. “I told them I was your husband.”

Patti blinked. “Really?” A slow smile crept across her face. Jon as her husband? She had to admit, it didn’t have a bad ring to it.

“Don’t laugh,” Jon warned her, a stern look on his face despite the twitch at the corner of his mouth. “They wouldn’t have let me see you if I told them the truth, and I needed to see for myself how you were doing.”

Patti bit her lip. The fact that he was there, standing before her, when she wasn’t even sure she’d ever see him again, was proof positive that he cared for her, and whether he knew it or not, she was about to become a very permanent fixture in his life.

Jon blew out a heavy breath. “So how did this happen exactly? Were you speeding again?”

Patti’s face flamed red. After the time that he’d scolded her, she had been extra careful to obey the speed limits when he was around, but when he wasn’t, she let loose. He wouldn’t be very happy to hear that. She ducked her head and nodded.

Aside from the constant beeping of machinery and the drone of voices and movement all around them, everything had gone deadly quiet within their small sanctuary. Braving his wrath, Patti lifted her head to take a peek at him.

Jon stood at the foot of her bed now, his hands clenching the footboard so hard his knuckles had turned white. His eyes, raw with emotion, filled with an inner turmoil that Patti could only guess at, were glued to hers.

“You’re mad,” she said, stating the obvious just to break the damning silence.

“I am beyond mad,” Jon gritted. “I’m furious, Patricia. I’m furious, and do you know why? Because I love you. I love you so damn much it hurts, and I can’t have you.”

Patti’s eyes widened, and she gathered her legs under her, wanting to reach out to him, needing to fix the relationship that seemed only to be getting further and further out of her reach. “You can have me,” she insisted. “I’m right here. I want you. I love you.”

Jon pushed off the bed, removing his hands before she could touch him. “No, I can’t,” he said fiercely. “Don’t you get it, Patricia? You’re just like her. Everything about you reminds me of her. It just took me a while to realize it. That’s why this won’t work. You’ve already gotten yourself hurt. I refuse to sit around waiting for the day you finally get yourself killed. I won’t do it.”

Patricia’s voice wobbled out of her. “I’m so, so sorry, Jon. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” She wiped away the stream of tears cascading down her face. “I’m not Nora. If you’ll just see—”

“I see fine,” Jon interrupted her. “I see a strong, intelligent, beautiful, fun-loving woman who is hell-bent on destroying herself, even if she doesn’t realize it yet.”

“No, that’s not who I am,” she argued. It felt like a fist had taken hold of her heart and was squeezing it. She could hardly breathe.

“That’s exactly who you are,” Jon said, backing away. “And I can’t stand around and watch it happen. I have to focus on taking care of me. I have to save myself.” Regret flashed in his eyes. “I’m glad you’re okay. Take care of yourself, Patricia.”

“Jon, wait. Wait!” Patti scrambled off the bed, grappling with the bundle of wires attached to her, but she was unable to get free. “Jon!” she shouted, but he didn’t answer. The curtains fluttered in his wake. Patti fell to her knees and cried as quietly as she could manage.

That was the second time Jon had left her in as many days.

He hadn’t even given her the chance to share the good news.

The good doctor hadn’t lied. After getting a brief ultrasound to make sure everything was intact, the nurse provided her with a blurry sonogram she referred to as “Baby’s First Photo.” Patti took her word for it that her baby was in there somewhere and, armed with a stack of paperwork, called Jules.

“I can’t believe you’re pregnant,” Jules screeched in her ear. “I can’t believe you let him ride bareback! Didn’t your parents teach you anything? Does eighth grade Health class ring any bells?”

The moment Jules found out her friend was in the hospital, she was by her side. Patti was grateful for her friend, but she was seriously wondering what she was thinking when she had called her, of all people, when she knew that this would happen.

For the last twenty-seven minutes Patti had been subjected to all manner of questions, most of them humiliating and questioning her level of stupidity, which, according to Jules, ranked somewhere on the level of Neanderthal, but she insisted that even with their small, prehistoric minds, they had more common sense than she did.

“I know about contraceptives,” Patti said glumly. “We just forgot to use them I guess.”

“You forgot?” If at all possible, Jules’ voice had raised another octave. Patti was fairly sure that by the time the car ride was over, she would have lost a good portion of her hearing. “Patricia Jacobs, what would your mother say?”

“She’d tell me to suck it up and get a job because she didn’t raise a quitter.”

“I would slap you, but I make it a point not to hit pregnant women.” Jules glared at her. “I just don’t even know what to say right now.”

Patti turned to look out the window. “Then don’t say anything.”

And she didn’t. They spoke not a word the rest of the way to her house, which were both a blessing and a curse. It meant that Patti had way too much time on her hands to think of how her life had taken so many turns in so little time. It was nauseating. Or maybe that was the pregnancy hormones kicking in?

Once Jules had her inside and in her own bed, tucked under the blankets, fussing over her like a mother hen, Patti felt like she’d aged twenty years.

“I hope you don’t mind if I take off,” Jules told her as she walked back into the room with a glass of water and a couple of aspirin for her aches and pains. “I have so much to do tomorrow to get ready for Piper’s baby shower this Friday, which you are coming to, right?” She directed a pointy fingernail at Patti’s face and arched a thin brow, daring her to find an excuse.

“I wasn’t aware she was having one.”

Jules rolled her eyes. “I sent you an invitation days ago. You were probably too busy screwing Jonny Boy’s brains out to even notice.”

“Touché.” Reaching for the pills and glass, Patti dumped both down her throat. “Of course I’ll be there.”

“I know you will. So,” she clapped her hands together and an excited look stole across her face. “What are we going to name this kid?”

“I’m barely pregnant,” Patti laughed. “I haven’t even gotten a chance to think about it.”

“Yeah, I guess I can see your point. But, if it’s a girl, I vote for Jules.”

“We’ll see.”

Crossing the room, her friend enveloped her in a hug. “I love you, momma.”

“Love you, too.”

Jules patted her stomach. “Bye, baby! Call me if you need anything.” She waved as she walked toward the door. “Can you believe I’m going to be an auntie?” She squealed and danced out of the room.

“Can you believe I’m going to be a mom?” Patti asked herself, looking down at her flat stomach. Other than her best friend, she didn’t have anyone to share her joy. At least, not the one person she wanted to share it with most.

She had a whole other person growing inside of her, but she had never felt more alone in her life.

Jon sat at his parents’ dining room table wondering what the hell he was doing there. His sister, Casey, had brought her boyfriend home with her to meet everyone. There was an understanding between him and his father that all boyfriends, foreign or domestic, had to go through the Bradshaw test before he could be welcomed into the family with open arms. Unfortunately, only one person had ever passed that test, and he was married and expecting his first child in a matter of days.

Jon looked up to catch his father sending him a curious look. “Are you okay, son?”

Jon stabbed his fork into the mound of mashed potatoes smothered in butter and sour cream, and shoveled it into his mouth. He passed his father a droll look. “I’m fine.”

He noticed then that everyone had stopped talking to look at him. Swallowing his food, he took a long drink of milk to wash it down with, and then turned his steely blue eyes to Mike, his old pal, who was likely screwing his sister, and asked him, “So, what are your intentions with Casey?”

Mike cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable with the shift in conversation. Jon wished he knew what they’d been talking about before…actually, he didn’t. He wasn’t even in the mood to be delivering the third degree, but a promise was a promise, even if it were pulled from him at the ripe age of eight upon having a squirming baby girl thrust in his arms.

“You’re going to help your dad look out for your little sister, right? Help me make sure she finds a boy worthy of being called a Bradshaw?”

He wanted to laugh at the memory, because as much as Mike had hung around as a teenager, he didn’t think the guy knew the first thing about his family. If he passed the test, if down the road he decided to marry his sister, Casey wouldn’t become a Sawyer. Rather, Mike would become a Bradshaw. His father was very serious about passing down the family name.

The guy had his work cut out for him. The question was, how bad did he want his sister?

“I know it’s probably come as a bit of a shock that we’re dating,” Mike started. He leaned to the side and pecked Casey on the lips. “But I love her.”

Jon stared openly, galled by the open display of affection. How dare he molest his sister right in front of them? His jaw clenched. “You’ve been dating for, what, all of a month?”

“Two, actually,” Casey chirped, shooting Mike an affectionate smile.

“Oh, two?” Jon’s eyebrows shot up in mock surprise. “Well, I stand corrected. So, Mike, since you and my sister are so clearly in love, and have spent two whole months fostering it, I assume that you’ll be buying a ring soon?”

Mike coughed into his fist. “Well, I thought we’d wait a little while before we decide to make any big decisions.”

“But I thought you were in love? Why wait? You’re not getting any younger.”

Jon’s mother leaned across the table and covered his hand with hers. “Sweetie, are you feeling all right?”

“Why does everyone keep asking me that?” Jon questioned to no one in particular. His grip on the fork tightened. “I’m fine.”

“Actually, your father is the only one who’s asked, but you look stressed. Is everything okay at work?”

“Work is great. I thought we were here to interview Casey’s boyfriend of the month.”

“What?” Casey gasped. “Is that what you’re doing?”

“Oh don’t act so surprised,” Jon snapped, glaring daggers at his sister. He almost couldn’t stomach looking at her rosy cheeks or her jubilant smile or the damn sparkles she had in her eyes every time she cast a coy look at his former friend. “You’ve known since day one what these dinners were all about.”

“Jon,” his father said sternly. “Enough.”

“What? We didn’t even get to the good parts yet,” Jon protested.

“Jon, what is the matter with you?” Casey asked, looking hurt.

He blinked, realizing how on edge he felt. “I’m sorry. I’m not feeling myself today. If you’ll excuse me.” He got up from the table and headed for the front door before he said anything else he’d regret. He never should have come tonight. His mood wasn’t right for any of this, and he wasn’t fit to be around people. The past few days had been torture for him. Without Patricia to look forward to, everything looked bleak, dull, lifeless. Pointless. He knew he was falling into a depression, but he wasn’t inclined to try to pull himself out of it this time.

How was he supposed to trudge through the days when he didn’t even care if he woke up in the morning?

“Jon?” His mother called out to him, jogging toward the truck.

Jon settled himself behind the wheel and closed the door. He wasn’t in the mood for the lecture he knew was coming, or a heart-to-heart, or anything else she might have in mind. All he wanted to do was go home, crawl in to bed and sleep. He was so unbelievably tired.

Setting her foot on the runner board, she pulled herself up and propped her arms on the open window frame. “What happened in there?”

Jon stared blankly out the windshield. “Just what I was asked to do.”

She shook her head. “No, whatever that was, it had nothing to do with your sister. I’m worried about you, sweetie. You look so tired, and I think you’ve lost some weight.” She paused. “Does this have anything to do with Patti?”

When Jon didn’t answer her, she sighed. “Did you two break up?”

“Yeah,” he admitted.

“Aw, sweetie, how come?”

He saw Patricia’s face, twisted with a mixture of hurt, anger, and regret as she sat there on that hospital bed, and he wondered if he’d made the right decision in letting her go. Hell, when she’d called for him to come back, he almost had.

“It just wasn’t working out,” he said roughly.

“But you two looked so happy together,” she said, trying to puzzle it out. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with the Colliers, would it? Because I swear, if you broke up with her over that, I will slap you myself.”

“They were right. I had no right to be with her. I don’t deserve someone like Patricia.”

A sudden crack split through the cab right next to Jon’s ear and the subsequent burn across his cheek made him lift his hand to his face. “Holy shit, Mom, did you just slap me?”

She gave him a smug look. “I told you I would. Now you listen here, mister. I’ve had about enough of this. You’re going to end this bullshit martyr thing you have going on, and you’re going to go find that girl and grovel for her to take you back.”

“But—”

“No buts. You heard what your father said. If that girl really loves you like I know she does, then she won’t care whether you’re rich, poor, a hardened criminal or a politician.” She stopped, giving him a thoughtful look. “I guess that last part was a little redundant, but you know what I mean.”

“How do you know what Dad said?”

“Honey, really? I’m a mom. You should know that I hear everything that goes on in this house. Now, are you going to go fix this?”

Jon dropped a quick kiss on her forehead and started the truck. “I’ll think about it,” he promised.

She jumped to the ground and backed away so he could pull out of the driveway. “You’d better! Next time you come to dinner, I want to see my future daughter-in-law at my table, too!”

Jon shook his head as he drove away. He meant what he’d said, he would think about it, but he couldn’t guarantee that he would do anything about it.