The Demon Lover

To Die for Love

My thoughts were in a turmoil. I knew that I had to get away. Having talked to Clare, I realized it with greater understanding.

I listened to Kendal, talking of his new stalking game which he and William played in the woods. It was the favourite of the moment and the woods and surrounding country were an ideal setting for it.

“There’s a man, you see,” Kendal explained, ‘and he was a prisoner in the dungeons. He starts out from the dungeons. The Baron said we could. We draw lots for prisoner and hunter. Then if I’m the prisoner, I go to the dungeons. I break out and have to hide myself. Then if I’m the hunter, William goes to the dungeons. We have to leave clues and then the hunt starts.

“It sounds very exciting,” I said.

“Kendal… you know we can’t stay here always.”

His thoughts were far away in the woods working out the clues which he would leave for William to follow. He did not at first seem to grasp what I had said and then suddenly it struck him.

“Why not?” he said sharply.

“It’s our home.”

“No, it’s not.”

“But it is now …”

“Wouldn’t you like to go to the house where I was born?”

“Where is it?”

“In England. It’s called Collison House after our family.”

“I might… one day.”

“I mean soon.”

“I like it here. There’s so much to explore… and the castle is so big and there’s so much to do.”

I said: “We might have to go home.”

“Oh no, we wouldn’t have to. This is our home. The Baron wouldn’t want us to go, and it’s his castle.”

How difficult it was. In a cowardly manner I shelved the subject. I should have to return to it later. I did not want to spoil the afternoon’s game in the woods.

He ran off to the dungeons, planning his clues. I wanted to get right away in order to think. I went to the stables.

My mare wasn’t there. One of the grooms came over to me.

“The mare you like to ride has been taken to the blacksmith’s,” he told me.

“But if you are wanting a horse, there is old Fidele.”

“Isn’t that the horse the Princesse rides?”

“Yes, Madame, but she has not ridden him for several days. He needs a bit of exercise and you’ll find him a steady old thing. He’s very reliable. A bit lazy though. You understand?”

“All right,” I said.

“Let me take Fidele.”

“I’ll get him ready. Why, just take a look at him. He’s getting excited. He knows he is going for a ride. He’s pleased about that, aren’t you, old fellow?”

So I rode out on Fidele and I was amazed how he took charge of our direction. I realized he was taking me to the spot where he must have taken the Princesse many times.

Yes. I was right. There we were. The weather was mild and it was beautiful up here. Summer would soon be with us. It did not surprise me that Marie-Claude came up here very often. There was a peace about the place. One felt remote from everything.

I decided to find the spot where we had once sat together.

I tethered the horse where we had left ours when I came up here with her, and then I found the sheltered spot by the bushes where we had sat.

I leaned against them and let my thoughts wander back to my talk with Kendal, and I asked myself why I had not been firmer with him.

He was going to hate leaving so much. He was no longer a small boy who could be picked up and taken anywhere without protest. He loved the castle . passionately. He loved the Baron too. I was well aware of that. He was going through that phase of babyhood into boyhood and he saw himself as a man. Since I had been there I had detected in him certain similarities to his father, and I was beginning to think that Rollo must have been very like Kendal when he was his age.

But I had to tell him we must leave. Whatever his reluctance, we had to get away.

I heard the sound of a horse’s hoofs in the distance. I supposed in a spot like this one could hear from a long way off. No. They were coming nearer. Now they had stopped suddenly.

My thoughts went back to how I was going to comfort Kendal. In comforting him perhaps I could comfort myself. It was foolish not to admit that to leave the castle would be as great an unhappiness for me as for my son-and perhaps it would take longer for me to recover.

I was aware that someone was close to me. Footsteps came slowly up the incline from behind the bushes which not only sheltered but hid me. It must have been the rider whom I had heard.

I sat still. waiting and then a sudden fear took possession of me.

I realized how lonely it was up here and I remembered that occasion when I had been here with Marie-Claude and we had stood on the brink of the ravine looking down, and I had had a strange uncanny feeling that I was in danger.

Whoever it was was very close now. I heard the snap of bracken . and then footsteps . slow and deliberate.

I stood up suddenly. I was trembling.

Rollo was coming towards me.

“Kate!” he cried in astonishment.

I stammered: “Oh … it is you, then.”

“I didn’t expect to findjcoy here. Why are you riding that horse?”

“Oh … of course … I’ve got Fidele.”

“I passed him … and I thought …”

“You thought the Princesse was here.”

“It’s the horse she usually rides.”

“My bay mare is at the blacksmith’s. They suggested I take Fidele.”

He was laughing now, recovered from his surprise.

“What good luck to find you here!”

“I was very startled when I heard your stealthy approach.”

“What did you think I was? A robber?”

“I didn’t know what to think.” I looked round me.

“It’s very lonely up here.”

“I like it,” he said, looking at me intently.

“Were you sitting there?”

“Yes, sitting there … thinking.”

“Sadly?”

I paused.

“Of leaving,” I said.

“I have to go. I’ve made up my mind.”

“Please, not yet, Kate. You promised … not yet.”

“Soon. It must be soon.”

“Why? You’re happy here. There’s work for you. I could find more manuscripts.”

“I think we should leave in about a week’s time. I’ve talked to Clare.”

“I wish that woman had never come here.”

“Don’t say that. She is a wonderful woman. The Princesse is devoted to her already.” I went on slowly: “You have spoken to her … The Princesse … haven’t you?”

“I’ve tried to cajole; I’ve demanded; I’ve threatened. She is having her revenge on me at last, but I shall find a way. Never fear.

I am going to marry you, Kate. I’m going to legitimize the boy, and we are going to live here happily for the rest of our days. Tell me what you would say if I could do that? “

I did not answer and he gathered me into his arms and held me fast.

I thought: Soon this will be over and I shall never see him again. I felt that was unbearable.

“You love me, Kate. Say it.”

“I don’t know.”

“You can’t endure the thought of going away … right out of my life. Answer truthfully.”

“No,” I said,”I can’t.”

“That’s the answer to the first question. We are two strong people, Kate. We are not going to let anything stand in our way, are we?”

“Some things must.”

“But you love me and I love you. It is no ordinary love, is it? It’s strong. We know so much about each other. We’ve lived each other’s lives. Those weeks in Paris … they bound us together. I wanted you from the moment I saw you. I liked everything about you, Kate … the way you looked, the way you worked … the way you tried to deceive me about your father’s blindness. I wanted you then. I was determined to have you. That business of Mortemer was an excuse.”

“You could have suggested marriage then when you were free to do so.”

“Would you have had me?”

“Not then.”

“But now you would. Oh yes, you would now. Don’t you see, we had to be ready. We had to know. We had to go through all we went through to learn that this thing we have for each other is not passing … not ephemeral … as so many loves are. This is different. This is for a lifetime … and it is worth everything we have.”

“You’re so vehement.”

“I have said that about you. It is what we like about each other. I know what I want and I know how to get it.”

“Not always.”

“Yes,” he said firmly.

“Always. Kate, you must not go yet. If you do, I shall come after you.”

I said nothing. We sat there side by side and I lay against him while he held me tightly.

I felt comforted by his presence. For the first time I was facing the truth. Of course I loved him. When I had hated him, my feeling for him had overwhelmed everything else. From hatred I had slipped into love and as my hatred had been strong and fierce, so was my love.

But I was going to England. I knew I had to go. Clare had made me see that.

I roused myself.

“I must get back. Clare will be coming from the castle. They will be expecting me and wondering where I am.”

“Promise me one thing.”

“What is that?”

“That you will not attempt to leave without first telling me.”

“I promise that,” I said. ” ” Then we stood for a while and he kissed me in a different way from that in which he had previously, gently, tenderly.

I was so filled with emotion that I could not speak.

Then he helped me to mount Fidele and we rode back to the castle.

“Kendal,” I said, ‘we are going to England. “

He stared at me and I saw his mouth harden. He looked remarkably like his father in that moment.

I went on: “I know you hate leaving the castle, but we have to go. You see, this is not our home.”

“It is our home,” he said angrily.

“No.. no… We are here because there was nowhere else for us to go after we left Paris. But you can’t stay in other people’s houses for ever.”

“It’s my father’s house. He wants us here.”

“Kendal,” I said, ‘you are not grown up yet. You must listen to what I say and know that it is for the best. for you and for all of us. “

“It’s not the best. It’s not.”

He was looking at me as he never had before in the whole of his life.

There had always been a strong bond of affection between us and I could not bear to see that look in his eyes. It was almost as though he hated me.

Could Rollo mean so much to him? He really did love the castle, I knew. True, it was a storehouse of wonderment to an imaginative child; but it was more than that. He had made up his mind that he belonged here and Rollo had done his best to make him feel that.

He robbed me of my virtue, I thought. He turned my life upside down; and now he would rob me of my child.

I felt angry suddenly. I said: “I see it is no use talking to you.”

“No, it isn’t,” said Kendal.

“I don’t want to go to England. I want to stay at home.” Then I saw that stubborn look in his face again, which reminded me so much of his father. I thought: He is going to be just like him when he grows up, and my fear for him was mingled with my pride.

I said: “We will talk of it later.”

I did not feel I could bear to say any more.

It was late that afternoon. Jeanne was cooking which she liked to do -and Clare had just come in. She had been to the castle.

“Madame la Baronne is in a defiant mood today,” she said.

“I don’t like the way things are going up there.” She looked at me anxiously.

“This time next week we shall be setting out for home,” I reminded her.

“It’s best,” she said compassionately. I thought it was wonderful, the way she understood.

“Where is Kendal?” she went on.

“He went off with William playing that hunting game they are so fond of, I believe. I saw them go off. He was carrying something. It looked like a bag of some sort.”

“Laying his clues, I suppose. I am so pleased that he and William have become friends. It is such a good thing for that poor little boy. I’m afraid he didn’t have much of a life before.”

“No. I wonder what he will do when we have gone.”

Clare knitted her brows.

“Poor little thing! He will revert to what he was before.”

“He has changed a good deal since we came.”

“I can’t bear to think of him. Has Kendal told him we are going?”

“No. Kendal won’t accept that we are. He became so angry … so unlike himself… when I talked of it.”

“He’ll be all right. Children adjust very quickly.”

“He seems to have become obsessed by the place … and the Baron.”

“A pity. It’ll all come right in the end.”

“You believe in happy endings, Clare.”

“I believe that we can do a great deal towards bringing them about,” she said quietly.

“I’ve always thought that.”

“You’re a great comfort.”

“Sometimes I think I ought not to have come here.”

“Why ever should you think that?”

“When I came, I offered you a way out. Sometimes I think that is the last thing you wanted.”

I was silent, thinking: I believe she notices everything.

“I needed a way out, Clare,” I said.

“You showed me a way.

So please don’t say it would have been better if you hadn’t come. “

We were both silent for some time. I was thinking about Clare and what her life must have been like when she was looking after her mother until she died . and then coming to look after my father. Now it seemed she was looking after me. It was true that she was the sort of person who spent her life looking after other people and had no real life other own. It must have been about half an hour later when she reminded me that Kendal had not come home.

“He is late,” I agreed.

Jeanne came in then and asked where Kendal was. We all agreed that he was late, but we were not really concerned until about an hour later when he was still not home.

“Wherever can he have got to?” asked Jeanne.

“He should have been back long ago.”

“He must have got caught up in the game.”

“I wonder if he is at the castle,” suggested Jeanne.

Clare said she would go and look, and put on her cloak and went out.

I was beginning to feel uneasy. Clare came back soon looking very disturbed. Kendal was not at the castle. William was not there either.

“They must still be playing,” said Jeanne. But two hours later when they had still not returned I was seriously alarmed. I went up to the castle. I was met by one of the maids who looked at me with that speculation to which I was becoming accustomed.

I cried out: “Has William come home yet?”

“I don’t know, Madame. I will go and enquire.”

It soon transpired that William was not at home. Now I knew something was wrong.

Rollo came into the hall.

“Kate!” he cried, the delight obvious in his voice at the sight of me.

I cried out: “It’s Kendal. He’s out somewhere. We expected him back hours ago. William is with him. They went out this afternoon to play in the woods as they often do.”

“Not back yet! Why, it will be dark soon.”

“We must find him,” I said.

“I’ll make up several search parties. You and I will go together, Kate. Let’s go to the stables. I’ll bring a lantern and alert the others. There’s no moon tonight.”

In a short time he had formed search parties and sent them off in different directions. He and I rode off together.

“To the woods,” he said.

“I’m always afraid of the Peak. If they got too near the edge … there might be an accident.”

We rode in silence. I was getting really frightened now. It was dark in the woods and all sorts of fearful pictures kept flashing into my mind. What could have happened to them? Some accident? Robbers? What would they have that was worth stealing? Gypsies! I had heard of them carrying off children.

I felt sick with anxiety and at the same time relieved because Rollo was with me.

We went to that spot which Marie-Claude had first shown me and where I had met Rollo later. I peered into the eerie darkness. We rode right to the drop. Rollo dismounted and gave me his horse to hold while he went to the edge of the ravine and looked over.

“Nothing down there. The ground hasn’t been disturbed. I don’t think they came to this spot.”

“I have a feeling they are in the woods,” I said.

“They came to the woods to play their game. They couldn’t have played it in the open country.”

Rollo shouted: “Kendal, where are you?”

His own voice echoed back.

Then he did a shrill whistle. It was earsplitting.

“I taught him how to do that,” he said.

“We practised it together.”

“Kendal, Kendal!” he called.

“Where are you?” And then he whistled again.

There was no response.

We rode on and came to a disused quarry.

“We’ll ride down here,” said Rollo, ‘and I’ll shout again. It’s amazing how one’s voice echoes from here. I used to call to my playmates when I was a boy. You get the echo back. I showed this to Kendal too. “

I wondered briefly how often they had been together. When Kendal went off into the woods, was the Baron there too? Did he join in the game of hunter and hunted?

We rode up to the top of the quarry and shouted again.

There was silence for a few seconds and then . unmistakably . the sound of a whistle.

“Listen,” said Rollo.

He whistled again and the whistle was returned.

“Thank God,” he said.

“We’ve found them.”

“Where?”

“We’ll find out.” He whistled again and again it came back.

“This way,” he said.

I followed him and we made our way through the trees.

The whistle was close now.

“Kendal,” called Rollo.

“Baron!” came the answer; and I don’t think I ever felt so happy in my life as I did at that moment.

We found them in a hollow-William white and scared, Kendal defiant.

They had contrived to build a tent of some sort with a sheet spread out over the bracken.

“What’s this!” cried Rollo.

“You’ve led us a pretty dance.”

“We’re camping,” said Kendal.

“You might have mentioned the fact. Your mother has been frantically wondering where you were. She thought you were lost.”

“I don’t get lost,” said Kendal, not looking at me.

Rollo had dismounted and pulled back the sheet.

“What’s this? A feast or something?”

“We took it from the kitchens in the castle. There was a lot of food there.”

“I see,” said Rollo.

“Well, now you’d better come back quickly because there are a lot of people searching the countryside for you.”

“Are you angry?” asked Kendal.

“Very,” said the Baron. He seized Kendal and put him on his horse.

“Am I going to ride back with you?” asked Kendal.

“You don’t deserve to. I ought to make you walk.”

“I’m not going to leave the castle,” announced Kendal.

“What?” cried Rollo.

“I’m going to stay with you. This is my home and you are my father.

You said you were. “

Rollo had turned to me and I was aware of his triumph. The boy was his. I knew that he was very happy in that moment.

William was standing up looking expectantly about him. Rollo lifted him up and set him on my horse in front of me.

“Now we’ll get these scamps home,” said Rollo.

As we approached the castle several of the servants saw us approaching and a shout of joy went up because the boys were safe.

I dismounted and helped William down.

“It wasn’t William’s fault,” said Kendal sullenly, as he was put on the ground made him come. “

“We know that,” said Rollo, sternly proud.

Jeanne and Clare came running up.

“Oh … you’ve found them!” panted Jeanne.

“Thank God!” cried Clare.

“Are they all right?”

“There’s nothing wrong with them,” I told her.

“Have you some hot food for them?” asked Rollo.

“Though they don’t deserve it.”

“I’m hungry,” said Kendal.

“So am I,” added William.

“Come along into the Loge,” said Jeanne.

“You shall have something in next to no time. Whatever did you do this for?”

Kendal looked steadily at Rollo.

“We were going to camp in the woods until my mother had gone,” he said.

“You won’t let them send me away, will you?”

There was a short silence and then Kendal ran to Rollo and seized him round the legs.

“This is where I live!” he cried.

Rollo picked him up.

“Don’t fret,” he said.

“I’m not going to leave you.”

“Then that’s all right,” replied Kendal.

He wriggled to be let down and Rollo put him on the ground. Rollo was looking at me and I was aware of the triumphant gleam in his eyes.

Both the children had a bowl of soup and when they had eaten William went back to the castle with Rollo.

He did not reprove William at all. His reproaches had been levelled at Kendal, but they were not really reproaches. Kendal had made everything very clear. He had run away and prevailed on William to go with him to show us that he was not going to leave the castle willingly.

Just for a moment I wondered whether Rollo had suggested the whole thing. Kendal had answered so promptly to the whistle. They might have planned it between them.

Oh no, surely not. Kendal was too young to take part in such schemes.

But with Rollo one could never be sure how far he would go.

Kendal was tired out and after he was in bed I sat talking with Clare.

“What a determined child he is!” she said.

“To run away just like that to show you that he resents being taken away from here.

What use did he think that would be? “

“His intention was to camp in the woods until we had gone, and then to emerge and go back to the castle.”

“Good heavens! What a scheme!”

“He is very young.”

“That man has woven a spell about him,” said Clare quietly.

“It is because he has admitted to him that he is his father. Kendal has always wanted a father.”

“Children do,” said Clare, and lapsed into silence.

That day will stand out forever in my memory.

It began ordinarily enough. I went to the castle to work on the manuscripts; Kendal had already gone with Jeanne for his lessons. In the afternoon I busied myself with getting a few things together with my imminent departure in mind.

I was thinking of Kendal. He had said nothing more about our leaving, but I knew by the set of his mouth and his attitude towards me that there would be more trouble to come.

Perhaps, I thought, we should stay. Perhaps I could make some excuse to Clare. I could tell her that I wanted to finish the manuscripts and we would follow her later. I knew that If I did that I should capitulate, for I could not hold out much longer against Rollo.

I remembered the way he had looked when he had said:

“Kendal, don’t fret. I am not going to leave you.”

He had meant that. He must have plans. In my heart I wanted those plans to succeed. I wanted him to carry me off somewhere . as he had on that other occasion and to say:

“You are staying with me forever.”

And yet I went on, as though in a dream, making preparations to leave.

The afternoon wore on. Jeanne was in the kitchen preparing to cook. Kendal had come in and was in the kitchen with Jeanne.

Clare was in her room, probably resting, for she had been out all the afternoon.

We sat down at table at the usual time and while we were eating we had a caller. It was the housekeeper from the castle.

There was mingling anxiety and excitement in her face.

“Oh, Madame,” she cried.

“I wondered if Madame Collison had seen Madame la Baronne.” She was looking at Clare as she spoke.

“Seen her?” I said, puzzled.

“She is not at the castle. It is unusual for her to stay out without saying. I wondered if she were here … or if you had any idea where she had gone and when she would return.”

“No,” said Clare.

“I saw her yesterday. She did not tell me she was going anywhere special today.”

“She may be back now. I am sorry to have troubled you. It is just that it is so rare … and I thought either you, Madame, or Madame Collison might have had some idea.”

“I expect she has taken a ride,” I said.

“Yes, Madame, but it is rather long since she went.”

“She will probably have returned by the time you get back.”

“Yes, Madame, and I am sorry to have troubled you. But …”

“It was good of you to be so concerned,” said Clare softly.

She left us. Clare looked a little worried, but neither of us said anything because Kendal was present. When the meal was over I went up to Clare’s room.

“Are you worried about the Princesse?” I asked.

She was thoughtful for a moment.

“I’m not sure … She has been a little strange lately. It was since the Baron asked her for a divorce.”

“How was she different?”

“I don’t know. Defiant, perhaps. I fancied she was hiding something. She has never been very good at keeping things to herself.

Perhaps it was upsetting for her to be asked for a divorce. That would be all against her principles. He must have known that she would never give him a divorce. There would have to be a dispensation, in view of everything . “

“I do hope she is all right,” I said uneasily.

“So do I. I think it is a very good thing that we are leaving. It will take you right away from all this. You’ll settle in England, Kate. We shall be together. I’ll do everything I can to help.”

“What of Kendal?”

“He’ll be all right. He’s lived through some very strange times. It’s bound to have had an effect on him. He’ll settle though. A year from now we’ll all be happy together. This will be like a forgotten dream I promised your father that I would look after you.”

“Dear Clare, I’m so thankful for you.” I went to the window.

“I wish we could hear that Marie-Claude was safely back. She might have had an accident. I don’t think she is a very good horsewoman.”

“Oh, she’ll be all right on old Fidele. He’d never bestir himself to anything violent.”

As I stood there looking out, I heard noises. Voices . shouting . and the sounds of activity.

“Something’s happening at the castle,” I said.

“I’m going to find out what.”

“I’ll come with you,” said Clare.

There was consternation in the castle. The Baron was shouting orders.

I gathered that the Princesse was missing and that Fidele had returned to the stables alone. He had been found patiently waiting there for how long no one knew.

One of the grooms said that he had saddled the horse for the Princesse in the mid-afternoon and she had gone off on him.

That must have been several hours before.

The Baron said there must have been an accident, and, as he had done when Kendal was lost so recently, he was arranging for search parties to go off in various directions.

He was in perfect command of the situation as he had been a few nights earlier.

I raised my horror-stricken eyes to his and said: “Can I be of any help?”

He returned my gaze steadily, and I could not guess what was in his eyes. Then he said: “You go back to the Logo. When there is news I shall see that you get it without delay.”

He glanced at Clare.

“Take her back,” he said; and added:

“And stay with her.”

Clare nodded and slipped her arm through mine. We went back to the Loge.

Time seemed as though it would never pass. A terrible fear had come to me. Rollo’s face kept flashing in and out of my mind. I remembered words he had said: Something would be done. He was not going to lose us . myself or Kendal.

And Marie-Claude stood in his way.

I am imagining impossibilities, I told myself. But he always says that nothing is impossible. He is ruthless . determined to get his own way. I kept seeing him as he had been in the turret room. Implacable.

Bent on domination. What happened to those who impeded him? He swept them aside.

Oh Marie-Claude, I thought. Where are you? You must be alive and well, you must. And I must leave this place. I must forget my dreams. I have to get away and make a different life for myself. I have to forget the past. forget the excitement, the sort of love I had glimpsed lately. I must settle down to a humdrum life . but one of peace.

Peace? But would there ever be peace again?

Kendal went to bed. I was glad he had not noticed that anything was wrong. He was so obsessed by his own problem that he was not aware of anything else.

Jeanne came and sat with us. We talked in whispers and waited . and waited.

It was nearly midnight when there was a knock on the door. It was the housekeeper from the castle.

“They’ve found her,” she said. She looked at us with wide eyes, the expression of which was half horror, half excitement.

“Where?” whispered Clare.

The housekeeper bit her lips. I noticed that she avoided looking at me.

“They searched the woods. They thought the horse had thrown her.

They couldn’t see down the ravine. It was too dark. They had to go down . And that’s where they found her. She had been dead some hours. ”

I felt dizzy. Clare came to me and put her arm round me.

“Poor soul,” she murmured.

“Poor, poor lady.”

“I was sent to tell you,” said the housekeeper.

“Thank you,” answered Clare.

When she went out, Jeanne looked from me to Clare.

“It’s terrible,” she began.

Clare nodded.

“It’s a great shock. She must have done it … deliberately. She had talked of doing it… and now she has.”

I noticed that Jeanne did not now look at either of us. I could guess what thoughts were in her mind.

Clare said briskly: “There is nothing we can do. We should really try and get some rest. This is a terrible shock. I’ll make a little drink for us. We need it. Go to your rooms. I’ll bring it up to you.”

We were all glad to be alone, I think. I wanted to try to work out how it could have happened. I could not shut out of my mind the thought of her standing on that spot with the steep drop before her. And in my thoughts there was someone else standing close to her.

And then I remembered that occasion when I had gone there with Fidele and he had come up and been surprised to find me there. He had been expecting to come upon her.

“No, no,” I whispered.

“Not that. I couldn’t bear that. Not murder.”

I know he was capable of drastic action. I knew that he took bold steps. But not murder. That would stand between us far more strongly than ever Marie-Claude could have done.

The father of my son . a murderer!

I could not accept that. I would not listen to the voices in my mind . the voices of reason and logical deduction. If I believed them, it was over . over forever, and that was something I could not bear.

This night had brought no new solution for me. Unless it had shown me the only possible path I could take.

Clare came in stirring something.

“It will make you sleep,” she said.

She sat down on the bed and looked at me.

“This changes everything,” she said.

“I don’t know. It’s too soon yet. I can’t think clearly.”

“You’re shocked.”

“Clare, do you think that he …”

“No,” she said emphatically.

“How could you suggest such a thing? It’s obvious that she killed herself. , . unless it was an accident. She was a hypochondriac. She had often talked of killing herself. The more you think of it, the more simple the answer seems.”

“I wish I could be sure.”

“Do you really think that he murdered his wife?”

I was silent.

“My dear, dear Kate, he wouldn’t do it. I know he wouldn’t. To murder for gain … that’s the coward’s way. It means you can’t fight for what you want by any other means … and that another person is too strong for you. No, that’s not the Baron’s way. I’ve been thinking that we ought to go away … for a while. Then all this will blow over. We could live quietly at Collison House and in a few months … or after a suitable time has elapsed … he can come over for you and you can be married.”

“Oh Clare, you work everything out so very precisely.”

“It’s because lam of a practical nature. The poor Princesse has gone.

Poor woman. I was so sorry for her. She hadn’t much to live for, had she? I think it was the best way. It may be that she saw this, and realized it would make it easier for everyone. You see it was just her unhappiness against you, him, Kendal . and her own child too. How do you think young William would have felt if you and Kendal had gone away? You’ve done wonders for him between you you, Jeanne and Kendal. He would be a wretchedly lonely little boy again. Perhaps she knew this. Perhaps she weighed it up and saw the best solution . the noble way out. “

“I don’t think the Princesse would have thought like that.”

“My dear Kate, how can you ever know what is going on in other people’s minds? Now try and sleep. When you are rested you will be able to take a clearer view of all this. Then we’ll talk again.”

“If I could believe …”

“You can believe. I tell you, you can. I know. I can see it so clear.

I really knew her better than anyone else here. She was open with me.

She confided in me. I knew something of what was in her mind. She has taken her life because she thought it was the best thing for herself . and for others. I see it clearly. “

I wish I could. “

“You will… and when this has all blown over … you are going to be happy. I promise you.”

“You are wonderful, Clare, You comfort me … as you comforted my father.”

I took her draught. It did enable me to get a few hours’ of sleep, but I was awake early and I trembled to contemplate what the day would bring forth.

There was much coming and going at the castle all during the morning.

I did not go out. I could not bear to. Jeanne took Kendal out walking in the woods.

Rollo come that morning. He looked very serious but I could not guess what he was thinking.

Clare, who had been in her room, came down dressed for going out.

She left us together.

I said: “Rollo, this is terrible. How could it have happened?”

“She killed herself. She took the leap. You know how unstable she was.

Why are you looking at me like that? “

He came towards me, but I shrank back.

“You are thinking .. he began.

I did not speak.

He went on slowly: “I know. It is what some people will think. It’s not true, Kate. I did not see her at all during yesterday. She went out alone. I was here all day.”

“You … you wanted her out of the way,” I heard myself say.

“Of course I wanted her out of the way. She was stopping us … I knew you would never really want to come while she lived. And now … she is gone.” He paused for a few moments, then he went on: “She killed herself. It was suicide.”

“But why? How?”

“Why? She was always sorry for herself, saying she had nothing to live for. She has talked of doing it many times … and now she has.”

“I wish …”

“What do you wish? Are you telling me that you don’t believe me? Say it, Kate. Say you think I did it. You think she went to that spot … as she generally did. You think I followed her there.”

“Did you … once before … and find me?” I asked.

“Yes,” he admitted.

“I wanted to get away from the castle and talk to her quietly. I always knew we were overheard. I wanted to meet her there … alone to talk to her … to reason with her …”

“And yesterday?”

“I have told you I did not see her yesterday. Why are you looking at me like that?”

He had taken me by the shoulders.

“Tell me what’s in your mind,” he said.

“I … I think it would be best… for all of us … if I went away.”

“Go away … now that we are free!” There was a look in his face which frightened me. I thought then: He killed her. He has to have his own way.

“It will be difficult,” I heard myself stammering.

“There will be questions … enquiries … So much is known about us. Whispers .. scandals … I should never have stayed here with Kendal. What will it be like for him here? Whatever happens there will be talk. There will be this shadow hanging over him. I must get away. That seems very clear to me now.”

“No, you shall not go. Now now.”

“You have always taken everything you wanted,” I told him.

“But there comes a point when you cannot go on. People cannot be brushed aside just because they have become an impediment.”

“You’re condemning me as a murderer, Kate.”

I turned away. I could not bear to look at him. He was angry now. He had my shoulders -igain and he shook them.

“Is that what you think of me?”

“I know you are ruthless.”

“I love you and the boy, and I want you with me for the rest of my life.”

“And she was in the way.”

“She was…”

“She will always be there. Don’t you see that? I shall never be able to forget her lying in that ravine … sent to her death.”

“Sent! It was her own wish.”

I shook my head sadly.

“There will be accusations.”

“People are always ready to accuse. Even you, Kate.”

“Please swear to me that you did not kill her.”

“I swear it.”

For a moment I allowed myself to slip into his embrace and to feel his kisses on my lips.

But I did not believe him. Everything he had done had shown me that he would always attempt to get his own way. Now he wanted me and Kendal and she had stood in the way. So she was now dead.

Whatever I said, whatever I did, she would always be there.

I said: “There could be a trial.”

“A trial of whom? Of me? My dearest Kate, this is a case of suicide.

Nobody would dare officially to accuse me of murder. What, here . in my own domain . and the country in turmoil, still struggling to set itself to rights! There is no fear of that. “

“What do you fear, then?”

“Only that you will leave me. I have nothing else to fear. She no longer wanted to live so she took her own life … and in doing so she has left me free. I had to see you, but I think it would be better if you didn’t come to the castle just yet. One of the maids can bring William here for his lessons. This unpleasant business will soon blow over. I shall come here to see you, Kate. Tell me that you love me.”

“Yes,” I said, “I’m afraid I do.”

“Afraid? What are you afraid of?”

“Of so much.”

“In time, we’ll build something, you and I. I’ll have what I have always wanted … one whom I could truly and wholeheartedly love .. and the children we shall have together.”

“I wish it could be so.”

“It shall be. It can be now. I promise you.”

I wanted to believe him. I tried to force myself to believe him. I said to myself: We will live through the difficult days and ahead of us there will be the happiness which we both want.

But the terrible misgivings stayed with me and I knew that forever she would be there between us, the shadowy third whose death had been the key to our own desires.

Clare came to sit by my bed that night. She said: “I heard you tossing and turning and I made another little draught for you. You mustn’t get into the habit of wanting them, though.”

“Thank you, Clare.”

“What did he say today?”

“That he didn’t do it.”

“Of course he didn’t. She did it herself ” That was what he said. But even if it were true, he drove her to it. he and I together. “

“No. She drove herself. I’ve told you so many times how well I knew her, how she confided in me. She saw that it was the best way. She would never have been happy. She had decided against making a try to be so a long time ago. Invalidism appealed to her. She had a child but she neglected him. Some women could have found happiness in him. I think she saw all that at the end. She thought hers was rather a worthless life and that others could gain so much from her departure from it.”

“I knew her too, Clare, and I don’t think she would have reasoned that way. If she would have done, why should she deny Rollo the divorce he wanted? No, I think she was looking for revenge on him. Why should she have taken her life to make it easier for him? A divorce would have been enough to give him his freedom.”

“Well, divorce is not considered a true break-up of marriage in some quarters. The Baron wanted there to be no suggestion that his sons were not recognized as legitimate … everywhere.”

“But his son is illegitimate.”

“When you are married he’ll get him made legitimate. That can be done.”

“William is recognized as his son.”

“And isn’t.”

“Oh, it’s all so involved … so tragically involved. I don’t think I could ever be truly happy. I should always see her lying there. I should never be able to forget her, and in my heart I would always suspect that my happiness had come through … murder.”

“I believe you have convinced yourself that he killed her.”

“Not convinced … but-and I would tell no one else but you— I should always wonder. Others would too. It would be a shadow to haunt our lives. We should never be free from her. It would affect our love for each other. We should be haunted … haunted, Clare, forever. I think I ought to get right away. I want to take Kendal with me.”

“He will never be happy away from here.”

“He will learn in time. I shall have to deceive him just at first. I think I shall tell him that we are going back for a holiday … let him think that we are coming back here.”

“And you will come back?”

“No, I shall try to start afresh. I shall find somewhere in London.

Rollo must never know where. I can’t go back to

Collison House with you. I shall have to have somewhere where Rollo cannot find me. “

“If.he did, he would persuade you that what you are doing is wrong.”

“Do you think it is wrong, Clare?”

“Yes, I do. You have a right to happiness. You can be happy. You love him. I know what he did to you. I know the sort of man he is … but he is the man you love. Kendal adores him and he is his father. He’ll never be happy away from him. He is too old to get over it now. He will always remember and yearn for him.”

“He must forget… in time.”

“I tell you he will never forget his own father.”

“He didn’t know he had one for a long time.”

“You are contemplating doing the wrong thing. You should take what happiness is offered you. There will be a difficult time to follow, perhaps, but that will be forgotten and then you will come into your own. I long to see you as Madame la Baronne … and Kendal happy .. and little William … he’ll be overjoyed. You should be happy, Kate. We’re put into this world to be happy. I promised your father that if ever it was in my power to make you happy. I would do everything possible.”

“You have, Clare.”

“Yes, I have. And now you are talking of throwing away this chance. I want to see you happy before I go.”

“Dear Clare, you are so good. You care so much for others … and make their problems yours. But I know myself, and I think I know best about this. I am never going to be happy with this shadow between us.”

“Because in your heart you believed that he killed her?”

“I can’t stop myself. The doubt will always be there. I can’t live with it. I have made up my mind. I am going to start afresh.”

“He will never permit it.”

“He won’t know how to stop it. I want you to help me. I am going to slip away… quietly. And then I shall lose myself in England.

Somewhere where he will never be able to find me. “

“You will let me know where you are?”

“When I have found a place I will write to you at Collison House, but you will have to promise to keep my secret. Will you?”

“I will do anything for you, you know.”

“Then you will help me now?”

“With all my heart,” she said solemnly.

When I awoke in the morning I was certain I had come to the right decision, though I had never felt so unhappy in the whole of my life.

I realized only now how deep my feelings for this man had gone. There would never be another in my life. I would dedicate everything to my child, but I knew that he would never forget and perhaps continue to blame me for taking him from the father he had grown to love and admire more than anyone in the world. And when he no longer saw the Baron, I knew that the picture he retained of him would grow more and more splendid.

I saw the weary years stretching ahead, bereft of joy. I must start a new life. The plan was beginning to evolve. 1 must make my way to London, find lodgings there until I could find a studio in which to work. All I had to recommend me was my father’s name. That counted for something. But would the success I had had in Paris have been heard of?

That was what I had to discover. So I must slip away from here secretly. I wondered how I was going to get Kendal to come with me. He was no longer a small child-in fact he was old for his years, and already I could see Rollo in him. But I had to find some way of getting him to leave quietly. Clare would help me.

One thing was certain. Rollo must not know, for if he did he would do everything he could to prevent me. But I must go. Of that I was certain.

I walked round the moat and looked at the castle. I would remember it always in the years to come. There would be a perpetual ache in my heart and a longing for something that never could be.

Marie-Claude dead had driven as big a rift between us as she ever had alive.

My thoughts were in turmoil when I returned to the Loge. It seemed quiet and empty. Kendal and Jeanne were not there. Nor, it seemed, was Clare.

I went up to my room to take off my cloak and there lying on my bed was an envelope addressed to me. It was in Clare’s handwriting.

Puzzled, I took it up and slit the envelope. There were several sheets of paper inside.

I read the opening words. They danced before my eyes. I could hardly believe I was not dreaming. I seemed to be plunging deeper and deeper into nightmare.

My dearest Kate [she had written], I have been up all night trying to work out how to do what I must do. I realized when we talked last night what I had to do. It seemed that there was only one way.

Marie-Claude did not commit suicide. She was murdered and I know who killed her. “

Let me explain to you. I have always been the sort of person who had little life of her own. I always seemed to be on the edge of things looking in. I loved hearing of people’s lives. I loved sharing them.

I was grateful to be taken in and allowed to. I grew so fond of them.

I have been deeply fond of many people. none like you and your father though, because you brought me right into your family . you made me one of you . and gave me more of a life of my own than I had ever had.

I do want you to understand me. I know you think you do, but you don’t really know the essential part of me and you have to if you are going to understand how everything happened. We all have hidden places.

Perhaps I haven’t any more than anyone else.

When I was young I had no life of my own . There was only my mother’s. I was with her all the time . reading to her . talking to her . towards the end doing everything for her. She was very ill and suffered a lot of pain. I loved her dearly. It was hard watching her. She wanted to die but she couldn’t. She just had to go on lying there suffering, waiting for the end. It is unbearable watching someone you love suffer, Kate. I thought constantly of how I could alleviate her pain. One night, I gave her an extra dose of the painkilling medicine the doctor had given her. She died peacefully then. I didn’t regret it. I knew I had done the right thing. I was happy because I had done that and saved her from the terrible nights of pain.

Then I came to you and you were all so warmhearted and you accepted me in Evie’s place and you seemed to be so fond of me. I loved the life.

It was so different from what it had been. I was fond of everyone in the village. Such nice good kind people . particularly the twins.

I was drawn to them . mainly because of Faith. Poor Faith, she wasn’t happy, was she? She was always afraid. I suppose we all have a certain amount of fear in us, but Faith had a double share ‘because she had her sister’s as well. I knew she was very unhappy and tried to hide it because she didn’t want to spoil everything for her sister.

Did you know at one time Hope almost decided not to marry because she knew it would break that close tie between herself and her twin? She was desperately worried about how Faith would get on without her. They were like one person. Well,

Faith wasn’t happy. Hope wasn’t happy . but when Faith wasn’t there, Hope could be. They used to confide in me, both of them . so I saw the picture from both sides.

There was that spot, you remember. Rather like the one here. That dangerous drop. What was it called? Brackens Leap? Well, I talked with Faith. We walked together and we talked and we talked . and there we were looking down. I didn’t plan it. It just came to me that it was the right thing to do. And it was. Hope is very happy now. Those lovely children she’s got, they are charming. It’s such a happy family. And they visit the grandparents, and all the tragedy is forgotten now . because joy came out of it. Faith is forgotten now as you would have forgotten the Baronne.

Then there was your father. He pretended to come to terms with his blindness, but he never did really. I knew him so well and I knew how sad he was. Once he broke down and told me what the loss of his sight meant to him.

“I am an artist,” he said, and I am going into a dark, dark world. I shan’t see anything . the sky . the trees . the flowers and you and Kate and the boy . ” I knew his heart was broken. I knew that to take his eyes away from an artist was about the most cruel thing life could do. One day he said to me, ” Clare, I’d be better off dead. ” Then I knew what I had to do. I remembered how easy it had been with my mother.

And that brings me to the Baronne. She wasn’t happy. She never would have been. She looked inward all the time . to herself. She didn’t see anyone but herself very much. That poor little William . he was so neglected and unhappy . until you came with Jeanne and Kendal.

What would he have grown up like? But he will have a chance now with you there. And there is Kendal. He would never have been happy away from his father. He’s a strong, wayward boy. He needed a father. And there’s the Baron he needs you, Kate. He needs you to show him how to live. He didn’t know how to . until he met you. If you left him he would go back to what he was . blustering through life . wasting it, really. No, he needs you more than anyone. And then, my dear, dear Kate, there is you. I look upon you as my daughter. I know I am not much older than you but I married your father. I married into a family . and I look upon it as mine. I am deeply fond of you, Kate. I think more than anything now I want you to be happy with your family . with your work . Oh, life can be so good for you.

You belong together . you and the Baron. You must be together now, otherwise it will all have been in vain. That is what I want. It is the very reason why I did what I did.

I walked out there to meet her. We talked. We looked at the view. It was easy. I just had to touch her and she was gone.

That brings me to my last murder and when you read this it will be done.

Perhaps I should not have interfered. We are not supposed to take life, are we? But whatever I did, I did it for love. I did it to make a better life for people. That must be rather an unusual motive: Love so deep and sincere that it leads to murder.

Be happy with your Baron. Teach him how to live. Kendal, I know, will grow up into a fine strong boy now. And you will do everything you can to make a happy life for little William.

Remember, Kate, all I did was done for love.

I dropped the letter and sat staring into space. Clare had done this!

I could not believe it . and yet looking back everything slipped into place.

My poor Clare, who had always seemed so quietly sane, was sick. Her mind was unbalanced. It must be if she believed that she had the right to take life. And she had believed that.

“It was for their good and the good of others,” she would say. And I could see how she convinced herself of this. It was true that she had cared deeply for others, and she had killed those whom she had loved. How tragic it was! She, Clare, had assumed the Divine power to act and even if she believed it was a benevolent power, she was still a murderess. I wished that she had talked to me. I wished that I could have helped her, made her understand that there are no circumstances when murder must be committed. But it was too late now.

I made my way to the castle.

He was there and I threw myself into his arms.

I said: “I know now. I have it here. I know what happened … exactly. I want you to read this now … to tell me that I am not dreaming.”

He took the letter and I watched the amazement spread across his face as he read.

Then he looked at me, long and steadily, and I wondered how I could ever have thought of leaving him.

We rode out to the ravine together. Clare was lying there with a sweet seraphic smile on her face.