The Forgotten Girl

Chapter 7

Maddie

“Relax, Maddie.” Bella lowers her hands only when I’ve took a few breaths and calmed down. “Jesus, you really shouldn’t let Sydney get to you. Trust me. It’s her mission in life to get a rise out of people.”

I nod, still unable to speak, fearing what my voice will sound like—fearing she’ll hear Lily in me. Worried that whatever just happened, will happen again. I feel a lot of fear at the moment. What just happened?

The man is gone. Sydney is gone. I’m shaking, beads of sweat covering my skin, my palms cut open, my mind racing from the lingering sensation of the voice, from Lily’s overwhelming control, from homicidal thoughts, from this crazy feeling of lost time. But I manage to shake it off before I return to the bar with Bella and begin checking the alcohol glasses to see what needs to be refilled, anything to ignore what just happened, because it’s all I can do at the moment, otherwise it’ll get even harder to breathe.

After making a trip back to the storage room, I go to the front counter where Bella is standing in front of the register, filing her nails, eyeing Sydney down, who’s staring, as she flips over a chair from the table and sets it down on the floor. I can’t even remember what I said to her to piss her off so bad. She was insulting me, then I got mad… then I…

“You know, I’m really starting to wonder if she has some sort of underlying grudge toward you,” Bella remarks as she moves the nail file back and forth across her fingertips. “Like maybe she knew you pre-amnesia and is holding a grudge.”

“Yeah, maybe... But why would she know me and not say anything for the last month?” I stare at Sydney trying to will my mind to make a connection. Do I know her from somewhere? I don’t think so... but then again how can I know? How can I know anything about the past unless someone tells me it?

Maybe she’s just not a good person. Did you ever think of that? That some people aren’t good.

“Then again it could just be because you kicked her ass the first week working here.” Bella looks away from Sydney and shakes her head. She reaches for a glass beside the register and takes a long drink. I don’t even bother asking what’s in it. I already know it’s something strong by the way her face twists as she swallows the liquid. Bella is great at pretending to be good, too, when really at heart she’s probably almost as equally as bad as me, well close anyway. “I should probably unlock the front door, huh?” She changes the subject off Sydney, glancing at the clock on the wall and then at the front door.

“Isn’t River supposed to be the one who actually unlocks the place?” I ask, looking up at the picture window above me where River’s office is. “I mean, I know he’s usually late, but he always gets here in time to unlock.”

“Actually River’s up in his office, “ she says as she rounds the counter and heads to the front door, twirling the keys around on her finger. “He came in early today.”

“Really? What’s the occasion?” I ask as she flips on the neon open sign. I feel exhausted, on the verge of passing out. Today’s been a rough day mentally and I’m not sure how much more I can take. I really should have just skipped out on work and stayed with Ryland.

Bella shrugs, unlocking the door with the key then returning to the bar area to put the keys in the drawer just below the register. “Who knows?" Her eyes sparkle mischievously as she winds around the counter and behind the bar. “Maybe he’s excited to see you after your hook-up last night.”

I adjust the bottom of my shirt higher as a bald guy comes roaming in the front door. “We didn’t hook up last night.”

She eyes me over suspiciously as she reaches down the front of her top and rearranges her cleavage so it’s pretty much busting out of the shirt. “I know there’s something going on between you two and I wish you’d just fess up so you can give me the juicy details.”

“Nothing is going on between us.” It’s not a lie. Nothing really is going on, at least not to me. Fun. That’s what I consider it. Pure and simple fun because anything else would be wrong. River’s a nice guy but I don’t feel nearly as comfortable around him as I do with Ryland. That steady peace I feel up in the cabin is more like unsteady nervous energy when I’m near River, mainly caused by Lily because she doesn’t like him very much. “And maybe he just got here early because he wanted to get a jump on things so he could actually come down and hang out tonight ”

She laughs, shaking her head. “You actually think he finally decided after all that studying of people or whatever the hell he does,” she says. “That he actually wanted to be part of society and enter the real world?”

“He studies sociology,” I correct her, grabbing my drink and moving for the doorway that leads to the stairway. “Which is the study of human social behavior.”

“Wow, brainiac,” she teases me then turns around as the bald guy strolls up to the counter, asking for a lap dance, laying down a twenty on the countertop. Bella obliges without her cheery mood deflating. She’s good at that. Either not caring or concealing her emotions—I can’t tell for certain which one it is. I flinch a lot and cry about what I do later in the bathroom, that is when I’m Maddie. Lily owns it.

Turning away from them, I climb up the stairway to the office to see what River’s doing, even though I shouldn’t. Lily always tells me to stay away from him, that he sees too much in people, and if he looks hard enough, he’ll probably see her. She doesn’t like him at all, which is part of the reason why I think I haven’t had sex with him. But I can’t help but go see him. I’m drawn to him like all the sweaty, beer-gutted men that show up here every night, drawn to half-dressed women they can’t touch and booze.

When I get to the top of the stairs, the door is wide open. River is sitting behind the desk his head tipped down as he sorts through the papers. He’s the mere opposite of a Ken doll, but in a good way. I find his floppy brown hair, tattoos, and his hipster style, appealing enough that I keep coming back for more. Honestly, I can’t really explain what my attraction is to him. It’s not usually like me to continue to hook up with the same guy for a month straight. I usually have one-nighters, even though I feel guilty about it—Lily loves them—because I know there’s no way I can have a relationship with someone, without them eventually stumbling across the madness inside me.

“Knock, knock, knock,” I say as I rap my hand on the doorframe, entering the small, very disorganized room that is supposed to be an office but looks more like a storage room. The window to my right gives an open view of the entire bar and stage area where there’s a shiny pole waiting to be danced around.

River quickly glances up, startled by my appearance. “Fuck, you scared the shit out of me.” He’s wearing a pair of square framed glasses and takes them off to rub his blue eyes. “You have a knack for that. You know that?”

“Sorry,” I apologize, wandering into his office that has crooked pictures hanging on the walls, stacks of papers on the desks and overflowing filing cabinets, and the empty energy drink cans and candy wrappers falling out of the overly full garbage can. “So I thought you guys were going to hire a maid?” I plaster on a playful smile because that’s who I have to be around River—playful and flirty. Fun, fake Maddie. “You know, one of those naughty one’s that flashes her ass while she cleans it then gives you a happy ending.”

He looks around the room with his forehead furrowed, like he’s just noticed the mess. “Oh yeah. I think Glen is working on it or something.” He blinks then focuses on me, his gaze slowly drinking me in. “I mean, not the naughty maid part. Just a normal maid.”

“Sure, if you say so.” I press back a smile. “You know Glen is never going to higher anyone right?” I ask, plopping down in the chair in front of the desk and setting my drink on the desk. I cross my legs and tap my fingers on my knee. “He’s been saying forever that he’s going to higher someone to fix the handle on the freezer door, yet it’s been broken longer than I’ve worked here.”

“I’ll talk to him,” River says. “I think he’s just got a lot of other important stuff he’s been trying to take care of.”

“You know Bella almost got locked in there, right? She was in there for like an hour or something before anyone heard her. The thing is sound proof. Seriously, she could have died and no one would have known.” And the cold air would have preserved her body. We would have never smelled the death in the air, breathing it in unknowingly. Vile burns at the back of my throat. God, I wish I could stop.

“Bella’s over dramatic,” he says, relaxing back in the chair. “Almost means she walked in, the door shut, and then she actually had to open it to walk out.”

“Wow, hater,” I tell him, biting my lip as Lily gets aggravated by the fact that I’m flirting with him—she always does. In fact, she always tunes out whenever River and I are fooling around, which means that anything I do in those moments is clearly under the will of my own—no excuses. Which makes Maddie kind of slutty and more and more like Lily everyday. “And here I thought you were all about the love.”

“No you didn’t.” He says amusedly as he leans forward and crosses his arms on his desk. “You’re too smart to think I’m that nice.”

“Everyone else does,” I tell him, relieved to be up here playfully bantering with him for the moment and getting a break from the voices and ghosts that haunt me. “It might have to do with the fact that you blush when I say ‘naughty maid.’”

“I don’t blush.” He rolls his eyes and gives me a look like I’m the most absurd person in the world. “And I really don’t believe that you think I’m nice,” he says. “And if everyone else does, then everyone else is stupid in my opinion, at least around here.”

“Maybe I’m really stupid too.” I say lightly. “You know, you don’t even know me. And for all you know, all our conversations have been centered around me memorizing facts on the internet right before we meet up.”

“You think you’re more mysterious than you are, Maddie, because I do know you,” he says, watching my reaction closely, like he does whenever he’s associating with anyone. “Your a girl who has a very twisted sense of humor. That is hard to faze. That has a lot of secrets. That doesn’t seem to mind giving guys personal dances when a lot of the girls get emotional and complain about it later. That dresses like a different character almost every single day.” He relaxes back in his chair again as Lily squirms inside me and starts clawing her way under my skin. He sees too much. You need to shut him up. “Tell me, who are you today?”

I glance down at my outfit. “I think I was going for badass biker chick.” I elevate my gaze back up at him and force my tone to be upbeat. “Using those stellar sociology skills, are you?”

He shrugs, the corners of his lips quirking. “Perhaps.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were trying to impress me.” I almost smile for real.

The corners of his lips quirk with amusement. “Maybe I am. Is it working?”

“Nope.” I give a soft laugh, tucking a fallen strand of my hair behind my ear. “What is your thesis on again? Remind me.”

“I’m still working on it,” he replies then marginally perks up. “Why? Do you want to offer yourself as a test subject?”

“I’ve already told you before, I’d be a very boring test subject,” I say, getting to my feet without even thinking. It’s so abrupt, so sudden, I can barely process doing it. You can’t let him study you—can’t let him find out who you really are. They’ll lock us away.

“Yeah, right,” he says, standing to his feet and rounding the desk. I have this baffling compulsion to drop kick him straight in the balls as he invades my personal space, which is odd. It’s not like we haven’t been this close before—we’ve been closer. But the abrupt movement puts my nerves on end and Lily starts scratching at the inside me, about to tear out of my skin. Maddie is starting to panic, half afraid that Lily will actually puncture through and reveal herself. “I think you’d be a very interesting test subject, Maddie.” He reaches out to touch me, but I flinch back, surprising him. “You’re actually one of the most interesting people I’ve met in a long time.”

“Yeah, you say that now.” I dodge around him and stride for the door, calm as I can be despite the fact that Lily is stirring inside me. “But one day with me when we’re not fooling around and you’d be bored as hell.”

“Oh I doubt that.” He backs up and sits on his desk, putting one foot on the floor and letting one dangle. “We could always give it a try and see where it goes.”

“I’ll tell you what.” I reach the doorway and keep my back to him, not wanting to look at him when I say it because I sort of feel guilty for getting drinking involved. “Come down tonight and have a few drinks at the after party and you can observe me, but only while we’re drinking.”

“What after party?”

“The one your dad’s friend is having.”

“What friend?”

“Leon something or another. The one who got arrested.” I glance over my shoulder at him.

He seems puzzled, rubbing his scruffy jawline. “Oh… yeah... I forgot he was going to be out here for a while.” He pauses, thinking deeply about something then shakes his head. “So what if I said okay to your request to drink and join the party?” he replies, getting to his feet. He picks up my drink on the desk and then walks over to me with his eyes fixed on me. “Then what would you do?”

Lily growls at me. She’s mad. Enraged. Murderous.

“You can’t drink.” I arch a brow and look down at the glass in his hand. “You’re a recovering alcoholic. Remember?”

“Is that why you offered?" He hands me the glass and I take it from him. Then he reaches out quickly and strokes my face with his fingers before I have time to back away. “Because you knew I couldn’t accept the offer?”

I shake my head. Liar. Liar. Pants on fire. You have to do better Maddie. He’ll read you like an open book. “Nope.” I’m getting thrown off balance. Get it together. I take a long slow drink, feeling the burn of the alcohol as I pull myself together. “Honestly, I really don’t care if you observe me or not. You can do whatever you want, River.” I step out of his touch, feeling a ping of guilt when he looks a little bit hurt.

Bravo. Way to clean up the mess you just got us into, Lily says sarcastically.

“Okay, I will then. And sober if that’s okay.” He slants against the doorframe, so close I can smell his cologne. “I really don’t want to throw eight years of sobriety away.”

I should tell him no, and that this is only going to happen if he’s drunk as a Las Vegas tourist stumbling down the strip at two a.m. I should not care about him enough to care. But another voice rises inside me. One that’s mine—Maddie’s alone—and it’s connected to an emotion I didn’t know I possessed. Compassion.

So much for having fun. “Fine.” I step away from him, my head getting too foggy to think clearly. I need to chill out on the drinking. “You can come observe me, but don’t say I didn’t warn you when you’re about to die of boredom.” Die of something.

“Oh, I highly doubt that’s going to happen. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’ll be the exact opposite.” His voice carries a promise of something… I wish I could figure out what. Discovery perhaps. If so, then I’m in some serious trouble. Then he steps forward and places a kiss on my lips, taking control over the situation, something he rarely does.

Lily snarls and Maddie winces and bites down on River’s lip hard. And the startling part is, she… I like it. River moves back and touches his lip with his fingers, his brows furrowed. I’m not sure if he liked it or is just startled. I’m guessing the latter, since seconds later he smashes his lips against mine. His tongue slides deep into my mouth and by the time he’s pulling away, he’s breathing profusely.

“After you get off,” he says, breathing heavily and gripping my hips. “You should come up here.”

“Maybe…” I look into his eyes and see lust and desire flaring brighter than it ever has. It’s startling because I can almost feel it myself; the need to rip off his clothes and touch him all over. It’s clear this little relationship thing we’re having has been going on for way too long.

I back away from him. “I have to go,” I tell him and then leave the office before he can utter a word. I’ve got a headache and I’m feeling kind of tipsy as I walk down the stairs. Lily is pissed and whispering at me to turn around and strangle River to death, that way there won’t be a problem. Maddie feels stupid. I feel like my flesh is cracking apart and I’m about to split open. By the time I reach the bottom of the stairway, Lily has flipped a switch and is laughing inside my head about how big of a mistake I just made. That if she was in more control, none of this would have happened. I almost wonder if I should just let her come out and clean up my mess. Take over. Finally just be her and see what happens. Let all the darkness and morbid thoughts inside me spill out.

Let myself finally become her.