The Queen`s Confession

Imperial Visitor

News was brought to me that my brother had arrived in Paris and was staying at the Austrian Embassy, being entertained by Mercy. What, I wondered, was Mercy telling my brother about me at this moment? It could scarcely be anything flattering. I thought of all the reproachful letters I had received from Vienna. Nothing would have been kept from my brother the Emperor of Austria and co-ruler with my mother.

The last time I had seen him was when I had said good bye to my home and he had travelled the first stage of the journey with me. I remembered yawning while I listened to his recounting my good fortune and how many horses were being used to carry me on my journey. I had not then been sorry to say goodbye to Joseph; but now I was both delighted and apprehensive at the prospect of seeing a member of my very own family.

Joseph had given instructions that there was to be no fuss, no ceremony. He was not even travelling as the Emperor of Austria but as Count Falkenstein, and had arrived at the Embassy in an open carriage in the heavy rain. This need not have happened, of course. He could have come in state.

I guessed that he would lecture me on my extravagance;

it was something he particularly deplored for he enjoyed living a Spartan life; he had always wanted to be a ruler whose first thought was the betterment of his people, and he liked to travel among them incognito, doing good by stealth; but malicious people said that although he remained incognito for a while he always liked his identity to be revealed at the climax of his adventures, when he would arrange for someone to betray him. Then he could dramatically declare:

“Yes, I am the Emperor.”

I refused to believe this. It was more malicious gossip; but at the end of Joseph’s visit, I was not so sure. In fact it was rather tiresome of him to come incognito. Why should he stay at the Embassy?

He had said that while he was at Versailles he had no intention of lodging at the chateau or the Trianon. Two furnished rooms must be found for him in the town for he did not wish to be treated as the Emperor of Austria, but as an ordinary citizen.

Today, I thought, will be the day.

I was at my toilette. My hair was hanging about my shoulders, for Monsieur Leonard’s six in hand had not yet rattled along the road between Paris and Versailles, when I heard the clatter of horses’ hoofs in the courtyard. It was half past nine, and I paid little attention, therefore I was most surprised when I was told that the Abbe Vermond was without and he had a visitor to see me. The visitor did not wait to be announced, but burst in on me unceremoniously.

It is! ” I cried.

“It really is … my brother Joseph.” Then I forgot everything but that this was my brother; and I felt like a child again, as though I were in the Schonbrunn about to be reproached for something, and I ran to him and threw my arms about him. Joseph was moved too, and as he embraced me there were tears in his eyes.

My little sister . my beautiful little sister !’ “But Joseph, it is wonderful to see you…. It is so long … and I have thought of you so much and our dearest mother and home….”

I was chattering incoherently in German, for I had slipped back to my native tongue unconsciously. oh Joseph, it is wonderful. It is like being a little girl again. “

Joseph said it did him good to look at me, and at that moment he was not a bit like the stem brother who had been so critical of my frivolity back in Vienna. But we Germans are a sentimental people.

Living so long with the French, I had forgotten how much so.

We went on chattering. And how is dear Mamma? And what of the Schonbrunn gardens? Do the fountains still play as they did? What of our little theatre in the Hofburg where we used to perform our plays?

What of the servants? What of my dogs . those I had to leave behind?

Is Mamma well and happy? I’m afraid she has been anxious. How I should love to see her. You must tell her, Joseph . tell her that I long to see her again.

We were laughing and crying and Joseph said I had grown beautiful. I had been a pretty little creature when I left; now I had become a beautiful woman. If he could find a woman as beautiful as I was he would marry again.

This was just the excitement of our reunion. We revelled in it for that first hour or so, before he embarked on the unpleasant task which had brought him to France, which was of course to lecture me, to criticise me, and to teach me how to rectify my follies.

When my almost hysterical joy in reunion was over I was able to look at him clearly and, I have to admit, critically. He was scarcely handsome; he was purposely very plainly dressed, for his suit was meant to be of service rather than to flatter. It was of a colour known in the Court as puce, since Rose Benin had made me a dress in a silk of the same shade and the King seeing it had cried out that it was the colour of a flea. From then on, ‘puce’ had become fashionable. But it scarcely suited my brother. I disliked his short boots, which gave him a look of the people; and the way in which his hair was dressed was certainly not becoming to an Emperor; he wore it in a single curl. He stooped a little and had aged a great deal since I had last seen him.

“You are thinking that I do not look like the Emperor of Austria.

Confess it. “

“You look like my brother Joseph and that is all I ask.”

“Ah, they have taught you to pay fancy compliments here, but I am a plain man and I like plain speaking. Now let us be completely alone together for I wish to talk to you.”

“You will wish me to conduct you to the King, who will be anxious to meet you.”

“All in good time,” said Joseph.

“First I want to hear from your own lips if these rumours are true. You must be frank with me, because it is on account of this that I am at Versailles—on account of this and other matters. And I must know the truth with nothing held back.”

I conducted him into a small antechamber and shut the door.

“The whole of Europe,” he said, ‘talks of your marriage. It is true, is it not, that the King is unable to consummate that marriage? “

It’s true. “

“Although he has made many attempts ” He has made many attempts. “

“And the doctors have examined him and find that the knife is necessary to make him a normal man.”

I nodded.

“He shrinks from this operation?”

I nodded again.

“I see. He must be made to see his duty Joseph walked up and down the apartment as though commiming with himself. In spite of his plain garments he adopted what I thought of as a very Imperial attitude. I began to wonder then whether Joseph was as modest as he wanted us to believe.

He asked many intimate questions and I answered him frankly.

He said: “It was time I came.”

I sent a messenger to tell the King that my brother was in the chateau and I proposed bringing him to him without delay; then I slipped my arm through that of Joseph and led him to the King’s apartments.

Louis hurried to my brother and embraced him.

I noticed that Louis was taller, and although he was by no means the most elegant man at Court he looked distinguished beside Joseph. But Joseph had the manner of the elder brother. He might like to travel incognito but he immediately made it clear that he considered the King of France inferior to the Emperor of Austria. Louis was at the moment in purple velvet because he was in mourning for the King of Portugal, who had died a short while before.

They exchanged pleasantries and Louis assured my brother that the whole of the chateau was at his disposal, to which Joseph laughed, shaking his head.

“No, brother,” he said, I prefer to live as a simple man. My lodgings in Versailles will suit me very well. I have two rooms which are good enough for me in the house of one of your bath attendants. “

“You will surely not find the comfort to which you are accustomed there.”

“I do not give much thought to comfort, brother, and I am not so accustomed to it as you are. A camp bed and a bearskin is all I ask.”

He looked round the gilded apartment as he spoke, and his gaze was a little scornful as though there was some thing sinful in our splendour.

He must meet the members of the Royal Family, said the King; and some of his ministers, most certainly Monsieur de Maurepas. Nothing would delight him more, replied Joseph; and the morning was spent in receiving people and presenting them to him. I felt a little, uncomfortable because my hair was not dressed and there was no time to have this lengthy ceremony performed. Poor Monsieur Leonard, I guessed, was in despair, but naturally I could not leave my brother. If he had given us a time when he would arrive, how much more comfortable it would have been for us all I But Joseph’s simple habits were to make life considerably more complicated for us during his stay.

We took dinner in my bedchamber. No ceremony, demanded Joseph, so a table was brought and we sat on stools, which was somewhat uncomfortable. So there we were perched on our stools eating in the bedchamber, the three of us most informally; we were none of us quite at ease, and I was sure both Louis and I would have been less strained if we had eaten in the normal way.

We talked a great deal together during the next few days. Joseph had come to France with a threefold purpose: to warn me to repent of my frivolous ways; to cement the alliance between France and Austria; and, perhaps most important of all, to discover the truth behind my unsatisfactory marriage and set it to rights. It was characteristic of Joseph that he believed himself capable of achieving all three.

During the first days the sentimental feelings aroused by our reunion continued. I could see, though, that he thought the French Court a very extravagant place and he was very critical of it.

On the second day Joseph took an intimate supper with the family in Elisabeth’s apartments. I wanted my brother to be fond of Elisabeth because I was, and she was growing into an enchanting creature. The idea crossed my mind that Joseph needed a wife; he had suffered two unhappy marriages, first with the beautiful and strange Isabella, whom he had loved, and then with the wife whom he had hated; his only child was dead. He was Emperor of Austria and he needed an heir . although of course he had brothers to follow him. Yet if Elisabeth married Joseph she would go away from France, and that did not seem to me such a good idea.

I fancied that Artois was laughing at my brother behind his back. He and Provence would consider Joseph inelegant and uncultured.

So that was an uneasy meal. Oh dear, how I wished Joseph would behave like normal visiting royalty!

Something seemed to have happened to all three brothers that night. I dare say it was provoked by Joseph’s stilted conversation; but when we rose, Provence stuck out a leg and Louis tripped over it; then Louis fell on Provence and they wrestled together; Artois joined in. It was only a game, but it seemed extraordinary to Joseph. I had seen my husband and his brothers romp in this way before, sometimes it was half in fun, at others half in anger, for Provence I believe was so jealous of Louis that this kind of fighting relieved his feelings. As for Louis himself, he always enjoyed this sort of game, perhaps because he usually emerged the victor. Artois of course was mischievous enough to delight in something which would shock the visitor.

Elisabeth and I exchanged glances of horror, but Joseph ignored the romping young men and talked to us, showing not the slightest surprise.

Later I said to him: “Madame Elisabeth is already quite the woman I’ and he replied sternly: ” It would be more satisfactory if the King were quite the man. “

I was eager to show Joseph the Petit Trianon, and the next day I took him there, with only two ladies in attendance, because, I told Joseph, “The Trianon is my retreat and there I can live simply.”

With pride I took him to see the English garden which was almost finished.

He was not interested. He began to lecture me.

Did I not realise that I was heading for disaster? I surrounded myself with men and women of questionable morals. It was small wonder that my own morals were questioned.

“You are a featherhead,” he cried.

“You think of nothing but pleasure.”

“I must occupy my time.”

“Then occupy it worthily If I had children …”

Ah. That’s at the core of the matter. But your behaviour towards the King displeases me. “

Displeases yw His tastes are very different from mine. “

“You should make his tastes yours.”

“Can you see me at the forge?” I held out my hand.

“Can you see me making locks … wrestling on the floor with my sisters-in-law perhaps? It is quite impossible for me to follow the Ring’s tastes.”

“You should not do these things, of course. But you should be more submissive. You should show that you find pleasure in his company. You could do a great deal to make him normal.”

I was silent. And Joseph went on to lecture me on my dancing throughout the night, on my gambling, on my choice of friends and my extravagances.

I said meekly: “I shall try to mend my ways, Joseph.” And indeed since I had adopted little Armand I had improved a little. But somehow, though I loved the little boy he only made me long the more for children of my own.

Joseph refused to leave his furnished rooms, and declared that he wished to see Paris as a tourist, not as an Emperor. He would ride out of Versailles in his little open carriage, sombrely dressed in his plain puce-coloured coat, taking with him two servants in quiet grey.

When he reached the capital he left his carriage and walked about the streets hoping to be taken for a man of the people, but somehow doing it so ostentatiously that most people guessed he was a personage, and as it was known that my brother was visiting us and was a simple man who liked to remain unrecognised his identity was quickly revealed.

He would go into shops and make purchases, having the article wrapped and taking it away himself while the lackeys waited outside. If he heard whispers of “It is the Emperor’ he pretended not to bear and become more bourgeois than b ever.

He would return from these trips a little bespattered by the Paris mud but pleased with his journeys. I could see that Paris was beginning to enchant him. He talked of the sunset from the Bourbon Quay and the imposing silhouette of None Dame. To stand apart and look at Paris was an enchanting sight, he told me. Had I ever looked back at die spire of the St. Chapelle and die turrets of the Conciergerie? No, he answered for me. There was only one spot in Paris that I showed any interest in: the Opera House where I danced.

He lectured Louis, too. What did he know of his people? It was a ruler’s duty to mingle with his people . incognito, of course.

Louis should be up one morning to see the peasants from the country arriving at Les Halles with their produce; he should mingle with the bakers of Gonesse. He should see the gardeners wheeling their barrows into the’ city full of fruit and vegetables; he should see the clerks on their way to work and the waiters at the lemonade shops serving early customers with their coffee and rolls; he should buy coffee from one of the coffee women who carried their urns on their backs and he should stand there in the street and drink it from an earthenware cup.

He should ride on the carrabas and take a trip in a pot de chambre. It was the way for a King to know what his people were thinking of their government and their King. And he must do all this incognito.

In fact it seemed that Joseph was far more interested in the people of France than any members of the Royal Family. He included in his tour museums, printing houses and fac tories; he wanted to see bow the dyes were made, and wandered about the Rue de la Juiverie, the Rue des Marmousets and such-like unsavoury places to chat with the workers. His accent, his determination not to be recognised, all gave him away. In a very short time the people of Paris were aware that the Emperor of Austria was among them and they looked out for him. They recognised him at once in his plain puce garments, his unpowdered hair, its simple style, and his earnest endeavour to show them that he was one of them and dispense with all etiquette. They delighted in aim and he was extremely popular; on the rare occasions when he was seen with us, all the cheers were for him.

I noticed his secret satisfaction, and I knew then that his favourite re1e was the Emperor who was discovered to be an Emperor.

From the soap works he went to the tapestry-makers, the botanical gardens and the hospitals. These interested him far more than the theatres and the Opera balls, although he did deign to visit the Comedie Francaise. He called on Madame du Barry, who was at this time at Louvedennes, which her old friend Maurepas had arranged should be hers after the two and half years she had spent at the Font aux Dames.

This gesture I did not understand in my brother, unless he was curious to see a very beautiful woman . or perhaps to show that he was a tolerant free-thinker who was not shocked by the life she had led. It was surprising that he had no time for the Due de Choigeui, who had been a good friend to Austria until the time of his disgrace and was responsible for arranging my marriage.

It seemed ironical, too, that the people who had criticised me for flouting their etiquette should so admire Joseph for doing the same.

But my brother did not confine himself to visiting Paris;

he sought to set our household in order. Not only was I subjected to lectures, which I have no doubt I deserved, but my brothers-in-law were also.

He told Artois that he was a fop. He should not think because he was the third brother he could devote himself to a life of frivolity. He should be more serious. During his stay, he, Joseph, would endeavour to have more private conversations with Artois, who should discuss his difficulties with the Emperor; then he could be given the benefit of Imperial advice. I could imagine Artois’s reactions to this. He listened demurely enough; but I heard the laughter coming from his apartments, and guessed how he was entertaining his friends.

Of Provence he was a little uncertain. He did not offer him advice, but he did warn me of him.

“There is something cold about him. As for that wife of his, she is an intriguer. She’s not a Piedmontese for nothing. She’s coarse and ugly, but don’t dismiss her as of no importance on that score.”

Naturally the aunts were very eager for his company. They had so much to tell him, Adelaide assured him; and Joseph never missed an opportunity for receiving information. However, he was rather startled when Adelaide invited him into a small room to show him some pictures and then fell upon him and embraced him passionately.

Joseph expressed his astonishment, for while she caressed him in a loveriike way she assured him that it was perfectly all right: such liberties must be allowed an old aunt.

Joseph on telling me this warned me to make sure he was never alone with any of the aunts again.

“They have always behaved a little oddly,” I told him.

“Indeed it is so, but they count for nothing in this Court. It is the others of whom you must be watchful. Provence, cold as a snake, and his intriguer of a wife. The other one is too frivolous and his company is not good for you. He is the only one who can beget children, and when I have shown your husband how to overcome his infirmity and you become pregnant it would be as well not to have been too friendly with Artois. You are too much in his company. It could give rise to talk.”

I assured my brother that I did not exactly like Artois; but he was the gayest member of the family and he and I enjoyed the same kind of pastimes. He could always amuse me, and I so badly needed to be amused.

“Tut tut tut,” said Joseph.

“You will have to learn that there is more in life than amusement.”

Joseph’s pontifical manner was beginning to tire us all. I wished that he had been a little frivolous, that he would gamble and lose heavily, that he would show some interest in the lighter amusements of the Court. But that was quite foreign to his nature.

As the days passed he took to criticising me in front of my women which I did not like. He would wander in when I was at my toilette and show disapproval of my elaborate gowns. When my rouge was being applied he looked on with cynical amusement. I might have retorted that it was as necessary to wear rouge as Court dress. Even Campan when she had first come to Court as the humble lectrice had been obliged to wear it.

He glanced at one of my attendants who was very highly rouged and said: “A little more. A little more. Put it on furiously like Madame here.”

I was so annoyed about this that I determined to ask my brother to spare me his criticisms in front of people. When we were alone I did not mind what he said, but it was certainly undignified for the Queen of France to be reprimanded before her subjects as though she were a child. What could be more damaging to her prestige than that?

Smarting with indignity I sat before my mirror while Monsieur Leonard dressed my hair.

“Ah, Madame,” he said, ‘we will have such a confection that the Emperor himself must admire it. “

I smiled at Leonard in the mirror, and as he proceeded to excel himself, Joseph with his usual lack of ceremony strolled in.

“Brother, do you like this style?” I asked.

“Yes,” he answered in a bored tone.

You do not sound very enthusiastic. You are thinking that it is unbecoming? “

“Do you wish me to speak frankly ” When, Joseph, did you not? “

“Very well. I think it is over-fragile to carry a crown.”

Monsieur Leonard looked as though my brother had been guilty of the greatest lese majestf possible; my attendants and friends were shocked that my brother should speak to me thus in their presence, for on this occasion he was not so much criticising my head-dress as myself as the Queen of France.

When I remonstrated with him, he replied: “I am an outspoken man. I cannot prevaricate. I say what I mean.”

I had deplored artifice, the artifice of French conversation, but a few weeks of Joseph’s company made me long for it.

Mercy was made a little uneasy by the manner in which Joseph was behaving. I imagined that Kaunitz had tried to advise my brother how to deal with me, and my brother of course would accept advice from no one. Joseph had forgotten that seven years had passed since I left Austria; he saw me still as the silly little girl” his baby sister.

Joseph himself told me that Kaunitz had prepared a written document of the instructions he was to pass on to me.

“But I have no need of documents,” said my brother.

“I am here to see you and talk to you.

And I have a firsthand knowledge of the scene. “

So he continued to advise us; and he did make some impression; he made me see how I was grieving my mother by my conduct; he impressed on me the folly of my ways. He had been among the people of Paris; he had seen hardship and poverty. What did I think these people would feel when they knew of my extravagance? He moved me to tears of repentance.

“I will be different, Joseph,” I said.

“Pray tell my mother that she must not worry. I will be more serious. I promise.”

And I meant it.

It was unfortunate that when he accompanied me to the apartments of the Princesse de Guemenee there should have been a scene. He had been reluctant to go, but I had persuaded him. They were playing faro, and the free manners between the sexes shocked my brother; their conversation sparkled, but it was a little risque, and, most unfortunate of all, Madame de Guemenee was accused of cheating.

Joseph wished to leave.

“It’s nothing but a gaming hell,” he declared; and there followed a long lecture on the dangers of gambling. I must give up gambling. No good could come of it. I must choose my friends with greater care.

Everything we did seemed to be the excuse for a lecture, but we listened to Joseph, and, like so many of his kind, much of what he said was right and true.

He was often closeted with my husband, for the purpose of his visit had been to strengthen Austro-French relations-and, of course, that other matter.

I did not know what he said to my husband, but I have no doubt that he pointed out his duty, that he told him of the dangers of a monarchy that could not produce heirs. Artois had a son; but Provence would come before him. There were jealousies and antagonisms when the succession was not from father to son.

Joseph himself had no son, but he would not allow this fact to interfere with his lecture to the King on his duties. And Louis admitted to him that what he longed for more man anything was to have children.

His visit was of the utmost importance, for he extracted from Louis the promise that he would not allow this unsatisfactory state of affairs to continue. Something must be done and Louis would see that it was.

He left at the end of May, having been with us since mid-April.

His parting words to me were that I was too frivolous and featherheaded for him to be able to make much headway with me in conversation; I so deplorably lacked the power of concentration. This was true, I was well aware. Therefore he had written his ‘instructions’ and I was to study them carefully after his departure.

Oddly enough, much as he had irritated me, now that he was going I was filled with sorrow. He was a part of my home and childhood; he had brought back so many memories. He had talked of our mother and brought her closer to me. I wept bitterly to part with him.

He embraced us warmly—both myself and the Ring. And when he had gone, Louis turned to me and said with the utmost tenderness: “During his visit we were together more often and for longer periods. Therefore I owe him a debt of gratitude.”

It was a charming compliment; and there was a new purpose in my husband’s eyes.

When I was alone I read Joseph’s instructions. There were pages of them.

“You are grown up now and no longer can be excused on account of being a child. What will happen to you if you hesitate? Has it ever occurred to you to ask yourself? An unhappy woman is an unhappy Queen. Do you look for opportunities? Do you sincerely respond to the affection the King shows you? Are you cool or distrait when he caresses you? Do you appear bored or disgusted? If so, can it be expected that a man of cold temperament could make advances and love you with passion?”

I thought about this seriously. Was it true? Joseph for all his pomposity was a shrewd observer. Had I betrayed my feelings? For often I did experience these emotions when the King approached me.

Joseph went on to criticise me in the light of his observations.

“Do you ever give way to his wishes and suppress your own? Do you try to convince him that you love him? Do you make any sacrifices for his sake?”

There were pages about my conduct towards my husband, of which he was highly critical. He blamed me for the state of affairs, yet while implying that I was not responsible for my husband’s infirmity, he hinted that it might have been overcome by sympathy and understanding on my part.

My relationships with certain people at Court were a scandal. I had a genius for attaching the wrong kind of people to myself.

“Have you ever troubled to think of the effect which your friendships and intimacies may have upon the public? … Bear in mind that the King never plays games of chance and therefore it is scandalous for you to give such bad customs your patronage…. Then think of the contretemps you have had at the Opera balls. I suggest that of all your amusements that is the most dangerous and unseemly, especially as your escort on these occasions, as you tell me, is your brother-in-law who counts for nothing. What use then is there in going incognito and pretending you are someone else? …”

I smiled. What use, brother Joseph, in your disguises? I could hear his voice, a little pained at the frivolity of the question. My disguise is to prevent people knowing who their benefactor is: yours, to seek wild and dangerous pleasure.

“Do you honestly believe you are not recognised?” Not always, dear brother—no more than you do I “Everyone knows who you are, and when you are masked, people make comments which should not be made in your presence and say things which are not suitable for you to hear…. Why do you wish to rub shoulders with a crowd of libertines? You do not go there simply to dance. Why this un seemliness … The King is left alone at night at Versailles while you mix with the canaille of Paris.” Had I forgotten my mother’s advice? Had she not, ever since I left Vienna, been imploring me to improve my mind? I should take up reading—serious reading, of course. I should read for two hours a day at the very least.

Then he said a strange thing, used a strange word which I was to remember later:

“In truth, I tremble for your happiness because I believe that in the long run things cannot continue as they are now…. The revolution will be a cruel one and perhaps of your own making.”

He did not underline that terrible word. I do it now. It did occur to me then that that was an odd expression, but now I can see the paper clearly and the word seems to jump out of the page . written in red, the colour of blood.

I did try to improve my ways after Joseph had left. I knew he was right; I should not gamble; I should try to be more serious. I even tried reading.

I wrote to my mother that I was following my brother’s good counsels.

“I bear them written on my heart,” I said extravagantly. I did not go to the theatre very often; I went even less to the Opera balls; and I tried to like hunting; in any case I went with my husband on several occasions;

I was always careful to be gracious to the centenarians and the bundles.

I was really trying very hard. So was Louis.

He kept his promise to Joseph, and the little operation was performed.

It was a success. We were delighted. I wrote to my mother:

I have attained the happiness which is of the greatest importance to my whole life. My marriage was thoroughly consummated. Yesterday the attempt was repeated and was even more successful than the first time. I thought at first of sending a special messenger to my beloved mother, but I was afraid this might arouse too much gossip. I don’t think I am with child yet, but I have hopes of becoming so at any moment. “

The change in my husband was great. He was delighted; he behaved like a lover; he wished to be with me all the time;

nor was I eager to avoid him. I kept saying to myself:

Soon my dream will come true. I have now as much chance as any other woman of becoming a mother.

Louis said he must write to my brother, to whom we owed all this.

I hope that next year will not go by without my giving you a nephew or niece. It is to you we owe this happiness. “

The news was going all round the Courts. The aunts insisted that they hear all about it. Adelaide was in a mood of great excitement and she explained everything in detail to her sisters.

Louis had mentioned to Aunt Adelaide in a rush of confidence I find the pleasure very great and I regret that so long a time had passed without my being able to enjoy it. “

The King was excessively cheerful; the Court looked on with interest and made bets as to when there would be proof of the newly-acquired royal virility. Provence and his wife tried to hide their annoyance, but I was aware of it. Artois mischievously tried to provoke Provence, while he made jesting references behind our backs to the King’s newly-acquired prowess.

Our lives were certainly at the mercy of those about us.

There was no privacy. It was noted that I looked tired in the mornings, which provoked titters and furtive observation. Everyone was watchful.

I did not care.

I was longing for the day when I could announce that I was about to become a mother.