The Queen`s Confession

Omens

I am not sure now when I began to understand that nothing was as I had first believed it to be. The frivolous young girl I was, knowing little of life, formed quick conclusions from what she saw on the surface without understanding, not realising that her new countrymen, with their love of etiquette, their determination to preserve exquisite manners in all circumstances, were adepts at deception.

I had believed that my husband and I would be lovers, that we would wander hand in hand through the splendid gardens of Versailles, that I would be gloriously happy, and before a year of marriage had passed, would have my own little son, who would give me far more pleasure than all my little dogs put together. But I had a husband who was apparently indifferent to me.

I was bewildered; and everyone was watching us slyly, almost furtively: the King with detached resignation, the aunts with hysterical excitement, my brothers-in-law with suppressed amusement; but Mercy, Starhemburg and the Abbe Vermond were deeply concerned.

Something was wrong. The Dauphin did not like me—and I was to blame.

This did not occur to me during the first days. All I knew was that marriage was not what I had believed it would be. The day after that of the wedding was full of ceremonies and I had little time for thought as I was hustled from one to another. In the evening an opera was performed in the new opera house. It was Perseus, which might have been tolerable if someone had not tried to modernise it by inserting a new ballet.

Everything went wrong. The producer broke his leg at the dress rehearsal and was on a stretcher the whole evening None of the properties on the stage worked as they should. In compliment to me it had been arranged that a great Eagle the symbol of my House should be set high above the altar of Hymen, and this, instead of remaining perched high above the altar, slumped on to it. Perseus slipped and fell at the feet of Andromeda at the very moment of rescue. The only interesting moments were those of disaster and the producer had to be prevented from killing himself.

I was so bored by this performance that I kept yawning, and I knew that I was being closely watched, so I wondered in alarm whether my conduct would be reported to my mother. I was sure it would be.

I went to bed with my husband and it was exactly the same as the night before only this time I did not lie awake, being too tired out from the previous wakeful night and the boredom of Perseus.

When I awoke I was alone in the bed. I learned that my husband had risen as soon as it was light to go hunting. Everyone knew this and thought it strange that he should prefer to hunt rather than be with me since we were so newly married.

When he came home from hunting he spoke to me, and as he did so so rarely I remember his words and the tone in which he spoke them.

It was simply and coolly: “Have you slept well I answered: Yes.”

Then he gave me a brief half-smile and turned away.

The Abbe Vermond, who was with me, looked very grave, so I picked up one of the two little dogs which had been given to me on my arrival in France and started to play with him; but when I heard the Abbe murmur “It wrings my heart!” I could no longer doubt that there was something very wrong. I, whom everyone had said was so pretty and dainty, had failed to attract the Dauphin. He could not love me.

Comte Florimond Claude de Mercy-Argenteau came to see me and asked a great many embarrassing questions. Ever since I had left my mother he had been hovering about me. My mother had said I was to trust him in everything, that I was to listen to his advice, that he would be the bridge which kept us together. I was sure she was right, but he was so old and stem a small man, rather bent, and I was sure very clever; but I was uneasy to be so obviously spied on,” for one never really likes spies however worthy and for whatever cause they spy.

He was Belgian, coming from Liege, and he seemed to have something akin to the French; but he was entirely my mother’s servant. His one thought, I am sure, was to carry out the mission she had set for him, and I was all the more uneasy because I was fully aware of his efficiency. He had worked under Kaunhz and I believed I might just as well have had the latter at my elbow continually as Mercy was to be. during the next years.

He asked questions in a roundabout way, but I knew exactly what he was trying to discover; he wanted to know what had taken place in the bed which I shared with my husband when we had been left to ourselves.

I told him that I believed my husband was indifferent to me. He did not touch me; he seemed to want to sleep as soon as he was in bed; and this morning he had risen long before I was awake to go hunting.

“You will be thinking that this is strange behaviour for a bridegroom,” he said gravely.

I agreed that I did although I was not sure what I should have expected from a husband.

“I have studied medicine,” he went on, ‘and I believe the Dauphin’s development to be late because his constitution has been weakened by his sudden and rapid growth. “

So that was it! I had not liked the Due de la Vauguyon, who had been my husband’s tutor and who, I had noticed, had great influence with him. Without thinking, I burst out:

“My husband’s timidity and coldness is due to the kind of education he has received. I am sure the Dauphin has a good disposition, but I believe Monsieur de la Vauguyon has led him by habit and fear….”

I stopped. I was trying to find a reason for my husband’s coolness towards me other than the fact that I did not appeal to him.

Mercy looked at me coldly. He had a penetrating stare which made me uncomfortable.

“I am sure the Empress will be most uneasy when she knows of this state of affairs. I will tell her that it is early yet and I will give her my opinion of what ails the Dauphin.”

I pictured my mother at home in Schonbrunn, and shivered, for she had the power to overawe me even at that distance. I knew I was failing her, for she would be waiting to hear news of my pregnancy as soon as possible. Yet how could I become pregnant when my husband ignored me I Mercy changed the subject and told me that I must be more discreet in my behaviour towards the King. Did I not feel that I was being too free and easy? I replied that there was no doubt that the King liked me. He was not cold. He had said that he loved me from the moment I came, that the whole family was enchanted with me.

Mercy replied: I will tell you that the King of France has written to your mother.

“I find the Dauphine lively, though very cb’lth But she is young and doubtless will grow out of this” “

I felt my face flush scarlet. I did blush easily. So . he had said that after all the charming things he had whispered to me, all the caresses, all the compliments!

Mercy smiled at my discomfiture, and the implication was that it was good for me to feel foolish for it was the only way in which I could learn the lessons which it was so important for me to master.

He left me depressed. My husband did not like me; nor did the King;

the only difference was that one made a secret of his true feelings and the other did not.

I had a great deal to learn.

The aunts had been kind to me; they had implied they wanted to be my friends, so when I had an invitation to visit Madame Adelaide during that day I gladly accepted it.

When I reached her apartment she embraced me warmly;

then she held me at arms’ length and said: “Berry’s wife !’ and went off into titters of laughter. She said: ” I will summon Victoire, whose apartments adjoin these; she will send for Sophie and we will have a cosy party . the four of us, eh? “

I noticed a young woman sitting at a small table, a book before her. I smiled at her. I thought her extremely dowdy yet I took an immediate liking to her. Seeing herself noticed she immediately rose and dropped a curtsy, flushing a little.

“This is our lectrice Jeanne Louise Hendette Genet,” said Madame Adelaide.

“She is a good reader and we are pleased with her.”

I told her to sit down, and realised immediately that perhaps I was wrong either to speak to her or to give that permission. I should never straighten out this complicated etiquette. At least at the moment Adelaide was friendly enough to overlook it. Victoire arrived.

“Did you ring for Sophie?” asked Adelaide.

“Yes, before leaving,” her sister replied.

Adelaide bowed her head. Then she turned haughtily to the young lectrice and told her that she had permission to retire; the young woman slipped out as quietly as a mouse in fact she reminded me of a mouse, small, grey and timid.

But I had no time to think of her, for Sophie had arrived.

“Berry’s wife is here,” said Adelaide, and Sophie forced herself to look at me. I smiled, and going to her, kissed her. I hated doing it, because she was so ugly; she did not return my kiss but stood with her hands hanging down at her sides and her gaze turned away from me.

Adelaide laughed a loud braying laugh and said she thought they might sit, although in the presence of the Dauphine; at which I laughed;

then Adelaide laughed; Vie to ire looked at her sister and joined in; and when Adelaide nudged Sophie she laughed too. It was rather horrible laughter and in view of what Mercy had told me of the King of France I felt uneasy.

“So,” said Adelaide, ‘you arc Berry’s wife. A strange boy, Berry. ” She nodded her head and watched her sisters, who nodded with her and tried to ape her expression—poor Sophie always coming in late.

“Not like other boys,” went on Adelaide slowly, putting her mouth close to my ear.

I looked startled and all the sisters started to nod again.

“He has a good appetite,” said Victoire.

Adelaide laughed.

“She thinks that a point in his favour. You should see her eat. She has the Bourbon appetite.”

“But I cannot abide pastry crust,” Victoire put in conspiratorially.

“All she thinks of is sitting in her armchair and eating.”

“I like my comforts,” Victoire admitted.

Sophie looked at her sisters as though marvelling at this brilliant conversation, I liked them. They were dears, I thought, though simple.

I was looking for friends on that day.

“Poor Berry! He never laughed and played tricks,” said Adelaide.

“Like Artois!” added Victoire.

“That boy !’ Adelaide was indulgent. She whispered: ” He has a mistress already. At his age! Fancy! “

“He is very young,” I agreed.

“Now, Berry….” She looked at Victoire and they began to laugh.

Sophie was some time before she joined in.

“He was never interested in the girls.”

“He likes his food, though.” Victoire was kindly putting in a good word for him.

Adelaide looked impatiently at her sister and Victoire was alarmed.

Adelaide went on: “When he came to see me as a little boy I would say to him: ” Come, Berry. Here you can be at your ease. Talk. Shout. Make a noise. My poor Berry, I give you carte blanche”.”

“And did he?” I asked.

Adelaide shook her head and they stood there like three wise monkeys all shaking their heads.

“He was not like other boys,” went on Adelaide mournfully; then her eyes gleamed mischievously.

“But now he is a husband.

Is he a husband, Madame la Dauphine? “

She laughed shrilly and the others joined in. I said with dignity:

“Yes, he is my husband.”

“I hope he is a good husband,” said Adelaide.

I think he is a good husband. “

Victoire began to laugh, but she was silenced with a look from her sister, who decided to change the subject.

“What did you think of the stranger who came to supper at the Chateau de la Muette?”

“Oh … the beautiful woman with the blue eyes …”

And the lisp. “

I thought she was charming Victoire and Sophie were looking to Adelaide for their cue. Adelaide’s eyes flashed and she looked militant.

“She is leading the King to perdition.”

I was startled.

“But how? … I heard her duty was to amuse him.”

Adelaide burst into loud cackling laughter. I waited for the others to join in, Victoire just ahead of Sophie.

“She is a putain. Do you know what that is?”

“I do not remember hearing that word before.”

“She is his mistress. Does that explain?” I nodded and she came close to me, her eyes gleaming.

“She worked in brothels before she came here. They say she pleases him because she is full of new tricks … all learned in the brothels, where she was an expert performer.”

I was flushing with embarrassment.

“It cannot be so….”

“Oh, you are young, my dear. You are innocent. You do not know this Court. You need friends you need someone who understands this wickedness you need someone to guide you, to help you.” She had gripped my arm and her face was very close to mine. The other two moved in on me, nodding, and I wanted to run away, to go to the King to ask him if this was true. But I did not know the King. He was not the man I had believed him to be. I could trust Mercy; that was one person of whom I could be sure. And he had told me so.

Adelaide was talking in a low monotone.

“It was wrong of the King to bring her to supper … at such a rime particularly

It was an insult. to you. Your first in time supper . and he chose that moment to bring her in as she has never been brought in before.”

I understood then why Mercy and the others had been disturbed; they knew that this woman, this prostitute, was going to be present, and it was an insult to me. I was deeply wounded, for nothing could show me more clearly that the King had little regard for me. I had thought he loved me, and all the time he was laughing at me for being childish, and he had brought his mistress to supper to insult me. It was all an elaborate piece of playacting to hide something underneath, which was sinister and frightening.

“You should not be disturbed,” said Adelaide.

“We are your friends.”

She looked at her sisters, who all began to nod.

“You shall come to us when you wish. You shall use your own key to these apartments. There! Does that not show you how we love you I We are your friends. Trust us. We will teach you how to make Berry a good husband. But always come to us and we will help you.”

Adelaide made coffee in her apartments. She was rather proud of this achievement and would allow no servant to do it.

“The King taught me,” she said.

“He used to make it in his apartment and bring it here, when we were younger. Then I would ring for Victoire and before she came she would ring for Sophie, and before Sophie came she would ring for Louise … this was before she went into her convent. She went there, you know, not only to save her own soul, but the King’s. She prays for him constantly, because she fears he may die with all his sins upon him. What if he died in bed with that putain beside him! Louise had a long way to come and by the time she arrived the King would be ready to leave, so there was often only time for her to kiss him before he went. Those were happy days … before that woman came here. Of course there was the Pompadour before her. The King has always been the prey of women. But there was a time” Her eyes became dreamy.

“One grows old. I was his favourite daughter, you know. He used to call me Loque then. It was meant to be a pet name. He still calls me by it; and Victoire is Coche. “

“Because I am so fond of eating,” put in Victoire.

“It has made me a little fat… but not like a pig.”

“Sophie was Graille and Louise Chiffe. Our father likes to give people names. He always called our brother’s wife ” Poor Pepa. ” She was Marie Josephe, you see. I have rarely heard him refer to your husband other than as ” Poor Berry”. ” Why were these two poor? “

“Pepa because when she came here her husband did not want her. He had been married before and loved his first wife, and on his second wedding night he cried in his new wife’s aims for the first one. But she was patient and he loved her in time and then he died. So she was Poor Pepa. And Poor Berry … Well, he is different from most young men so he is Poor Berry for that reason.”

“I wonder if he minds.”

“Poor Berry! He doesn’t care about anything but hunting, reading, playing with locks, and building….”

“And eating,” said Victoire, “Poor Berry I’ sighed Adelaide; and they all sighed with her.

When I left them I seemed to have learned a great deal! about the royal family which I had not known before. I had the key to the aunts’ apartments. I would use it often, for at least with them I could escape the rigid etiquette of Madame de Noailles.

At the ball which was given a few days later there was trouble on a point of etiquette. It was all due to the fact that on this occasion—because the ball was being given in honour i of me—the Princes of Lorraine had asked that their House should take precedence over all others, for my father had been Francois of Lorraine and they claimed kinship with me. Thus Mademoiselle de Lorraine, who was a distant] cousin, believed she should, for this occasion only, take the floor in a minuet ahead of all the other ladies. The Duchesses of the Royal House were outraged and there was a great deal of activity throughout the Palace. I heard that the King was pacing up and down his apartment deeply disturbed by his dilemma.

To refuse the Lorraines’ request would be an insult to the House of Austria; to agree to it would be an insult to the Houses of Orleans, Conde and Conti.

Never had their etiquette seemed to me so silly. The King had allowed Madame du Barry to sit at table with me and yet he appeared to think I should be offended if a distant cousin did not take precedence over his near relations I I made up my mind that as far as possible I should not be a slave to their foolish etiquette.

However, the controversy continued, and finally the King decided in favour of the Lorraines, at which the Royal Duchesses declined to attend, pleading indisposition.

I scarcely noticed their absence. I danced—and how I loved to dance I I felt happier dancing than doing anything else. I danced with my husband, who was very clumsy and constantly turning to the right when be should have gone to the left. I laughed aloud and he gave me his slow smile and said: “I am no good at this!” and that seemed a great advance in our relationship. Dancing with my youngest brother-in-law was different. He was a natural dancer. He told me I looked beautiful, that Berry was the luckiest man at Court and he hoped he realised it.

That seemed like a question. I parried it, but I found myself growing lighthearted in his company. It was wonderful to be with someone of my own age with whom I had something in common. Artois laughed at everything, as I wanted to, and I was certain we were going to be friends. Then I danced with young Chartres, the son of the Due d’Orleans, whom I did not like at all. He was gracious but his cold eyes reminded me of a snake. It was my first close contact’ with him, and I wondered whether I had a premonition on that night, and that something warned me that he was going to be our enemy.

These people were so different from my own, and however much they dressed me in French clothes, whatever French manners and customs I adopted, I would always be Austrian. We were unsubtle, more natural, uncultured perhaps; we might seem crude in comparison; we were not witty; but we were easy to understand. We said what we meant and we did not hide our true feelings under a mound of etiquette. Everywhere there was etiquette. I was being suffocated by it. I wanted to scream out that I was tired of it; I wanted to kick it aside, to laugh at it; and to tell them that if they wanted it they could have it, but to leave me out of it.

How could I know that that ball at which I had enjoyed dancing so much with Artois and even with my own awkward husband, was a dismal failure, and that I was blamed for it. My relations had spoilt it.

Little Lorraine was more important than Orleans and Conde because of me. They had been mortally insulted and I should never be forgiven.

They made up their minds on that night that they would be no friends to me, although whenever we met afterwards they gave no sign. But they were not showing affection to me, they were only paying homage to the Dauphine of France. What a little fool I was! And there was no one to help me except Mercy, whom I tried to avoid, and my mother, who was miles away. I was alone and walking blindly into danger, only like everything French it did not seem like danger at this stage; and I did not know that what looked like soft green grass was really a quagmire . not until I was deep in it and could not extricate myself. A clever woman might have found it difficult to act wisely in such a Court. What hope had a frivolous, ignorant young girl?

It was some weeks after my wedding, and in all that time my husband had only spoken a few sentences to me. Whenever I saw the King he was so charming to me that I forgot what Mercy and the aunts had told me.

I believed that he loved me; I even called him Papa, for I said that Grandfather sounded too old for him. There had been so many fetes and balls that I had forgotten my fears. My brother-in-law Artois was constantly in my company; I had paid several visits to the aunts; I had forgotten my previous uneasiness; perhaps I did not want to think of it. It was much more fun to be gay and believe everyone loved me and that I was a great success.

Madame Adelaide was taking me to see the fireworks, and I was going incognito to Paris because my official entry into the capital must, of course, be a ceremonious one. I had so longed to see the fireworks and Adelaide, always ready to enter into a conspiracy, declared she would take me. I thought wistfully that my husband might have taken me. What fun it would have been if he were as gay as Artois and we had disguised ourselves and driven there together. But he was either hunting or with the locksmith; the King was at Bellevue with Madame du Barry;, and so why should I not go, said Adelaide; and we set off in her carriage.

She seemed less strange when her sisters were not present. I believed she imagined she must appear stranger than she actually was in order to impress them and keep her supremacy over them; and she was very friendly as we rode along together towards Paris.

It was a great function, she told me. She had been informed of all that was being done to honour me. All along the Champs-Elysees, the trees were decorated with lamps which would be delightful when it was dusk. The centre of activities would be the Place Louis XV, where a Corinthian temple had been erected close to the King’s statue and there were also figures of dolphins and a great picture of myself and the Dauphin in a medallion. Bergamot had been poured on the banks of the Seine to disguise the foul odours which sometimes arose from that river, and the fountains were flowing with wine.

“All in your honour, my dear, and that of your husband.” Then I should certainly be there to see it,” I replied.

“But unrecognised She laughed that odd braying laugh.

“It would not be in accordance with etiquette for the people to see me before I am formally introduced to them.”

“It would certainly not be. So tonight we are two noblewomen come to see the people enjoy themselves.”

As we came nearer to the city, the sky was suddenly illuminated with fireworks, for it was not dark. I exclaimed in wonder, for I had never seen such a beautiful display. We were almost at the Place Louis XV—which I did not know then—when our escort stopped abruptly. Our carriage pulled up with a jerk. I was aware of screams and shouting; I vaguely saw a mass of people and I had no idea what this meant. The driver turned our carriage; and, the bodyguard surrounding us, we started back with great speed the way we had come.

“What is it?” I asked.

Madame Adelaide did not answer. She was frightened and she did not say a word as we raced back to Versailles.

The next day I learned what had happened. Some of the fireworks had exploded and started a fire; a fireman’s cart coming into the square met a crowd of people and carriages hurrying from the fire; another crowd was rushing into the square to see what was happening; nothing could move; the congestion was complete. Forty thousand people were held up in the Rue Royale, the Rue de la Bonne-Morue and the Rue Saint-Florenrin.

There was a panic. Many people fell and were trampled on; carriages toppled over; horses tried to break free. People were climbing over the bodies of those who had fallen in a vain endeavour to escape, and many were trampled to death: There were terrible stories of that night.

Everyone was talking about the disaster. The Dauphin came into our bedchamber; he was deeply shocked and this made him seem older, more alive. He told me that one hundred and thirty-two people had been killed on the previous night.

I felt the tears in my eyes and he looked at me and did not turn away quickly as he always had before.

“It’s my fault,” I said.

“If I hadn’t come here it would not have happened.”

He continued to look at me.

“I must do what I can to help,” he said.

“Oh yes,” I answered fervently.

“Please do.”

He sat down at a table and began to write and I went and looked over his shoulder.

“I have learned of the disaster,” he wrote, and I noticed how swiftly his pen glided over the paper, ‘which came to Paris on my account. I am deeply distressed and I send you the sum which the King gives me each month for my private expenses. It is all I have to give.

I want it to help those who have been most badly hurt. “

He lifted his eyes to my face and touched my hand—just for a moment.

“It is the least I can do,” he said. I should like to give what I have,” I told him. He nodded and looked down at the table. I knew then that he did not really dislike me. There was some other reason why he neglected me.

The disaster was talked of long afterwards. It was another of those omens. There was the storm which had spoilt the wedding-day celebrations; the blot I had made when signing my name; and then this great calamity when the people of Paris had come in their thousands to celebrate the wedding and had met death and disaster.