Twenties Girl

EIGHTEEN

He’ll get the necklace back. I have to believe it. I do believe it.

But, still, both Sadie and I have been on edge since last night. Sadie snapped when I stood on her toe this morning (through her toe, more accurately), and I told her off for criticizing my makeup. The truth is, I feel like I’ve failed her. The necklace has been within my reach twice. And each time I’ve let it get away. Anxiety is gnawing inside me, making me uptight and defensive.

This morning I woke up wondering if I should just get on a train to Paris. But how would I ever track Flora down? Where would I start? I feel totally powerless.

Neither of us is chatting much this morning; in fact, Sadie has been silent for a while. As I finish typing my emails at work, I watch her staring out the window, her back rigid. She’s never said so, but it must be lonely for her, wafting around the world with only me to talk to.

Sighing, I shut down my computer, wondering where the necklace is right this minute. In Paris somewhere. Around that girl Flora’s neck, maybe. Or in an open bag, carelessly left on an open-top-car seat.

My stomach feels all stabby and nauseous again. I have to stop this or I’ll turn into Mum. I can’t keep obsessing about what might happen or what might go wrong. The necklace will come back. I have to believe it. Meanwhile, I have a life to lead. I have a boyfriend to meet for lunch.

I push back my chair, shrug on my jacket, and grab my bag.

“See you later,” I say toward both Kate and Sadie, and head out of the office hurriedly before either can reply. I don’t want any company. I’m feeling a bit jittery about seeing Josh again, to be honest. I mean, it’s not like I have any doubts or anything. Nothing like that. I suppose I’m just… apprehensive.

What I’m really not in the mood for is Sadie suddenly appearing beside me as I’m nearly at the tube station.

“Where are you going?” she demands.

“Nowhere.” I hurry on, trying to ignore her. “Leave me alone.”

“You’re meeting Josh, aren’t you?”

“If you knew, then why did you bother asking?” I say childishly. “Excuse me…” I swing around a corner, trying to shake her off. But she won’t be shaken.

“As your guardian angel, I insist that you see sense,” she says crisply. “Josh is not in love with you, and if you think for a moment he is, you’re even more self-deceiving than I thought.”

“You said you weren’t my guardian angel,” I say over my shoulder. “So butt out, old lady.”

“Don’t call me old!” she says in outrage. “And I’m not going to let you throw yourself away on some lily-livered, weak-willed puppet.”

“He’s not a puppet,” I snap, then run down the tube steps. I can hear the train coming, so I swipe my Oyster card, dash onto the platform, and make it onto the tube just in time.

“You don’t even love him.” Sadie’s voice follows me. “Not really.”

This is the final outrage. I’m so incensed I swivel to face her, whipping out my phone. “Of course I do! Why do you think I’ve been so miserable? Why would I want him back if I didn’t love him?”

“To prove to everyone that you’re right.” She folds her arms.

This one takes me by surprise. In fact, it takes me a moment to gather my thoughts.

“That’s just… rubbish! That shows how little you know! It’s got nothing to do with that! I love Josh, and he loves me…” I trail off as I feel the attention of all the travelers in the carriage turning toward me.

I stump to a corner seat, pursued by Sadie. As she draws breath to launch into another speech, I take out my iPod and put it on. A moment later her voice is drowned out.

Perfect! I should have thought of this a long time ago.

I suggested to Josh that we meet at Bistro Martin, just to exorcise all memories of that stupid Marie. As I hand in my coat I see him, already sitting at the table, and feel a whoosh of relief, mixed with vindication.

“You see?” I can’t help muttering to Sadie. “He’s early. Now tell me he doesn’t care for me.”

“He doesn’t know his own mind.” She shakes her head dismissively. “He’s like a ventriloquist’s dummy. I told him what to say. I told him what to think.”

She’s such a bighead.

“Look, you,” I say angrily. “You’re not as powerful as you think you are, OK? Josh is pretty strong-minded, if you want to know.”

“Darling, I could make him dance on the table and sing ‘Baa Baa, Black Sheep’ if I wanted to!” she replies scornfully. “Maybe I will! Then you’ll see sense!”

There’s no point arguing with her. Deliberately, I barge right through her and head to Josh’s table, ignoring her squeals of protest. Josh is pushing his chair back and the light is catching his hair, and his eyes are as soft and blue as ever. As I reach him, something bubbles up in my stomach. Happiness, maybe. Or love. Or triumph.

Like, a mixture.

I reach up for a hug and his lips meet mine, and all I can think is Yessss! After a minute he moves to sit down, but I pull him back into another passionate kiss. I’ll show Sadie who’s in love.

At last he really does pull away, and we sit down. I lift the glass of white wine Josh has already ordered for me.

“So,” I say, a bit breathless. “Here we are.”

“Here we are.” Josh nods.

“Here’s to us! Isn’t it wonderful, being back together again? At our favorite restaurant? I’ll always associate this restaurant with you,” I add a bit pointedly. “No one else. I never could.”

Josh has the grace to look a bit uncomfortable. “How’s work?” he asks quickly.

“Fine.” I sigh. “Actually, to be honest… not that fine. Natalie’s gone off to Goa and left me all alone to run the company. It’s been a bit of a nightmare.”

“Really?” Josh says. “That’s bad.” He picks up the menu and starts reading as though the subject’s closed, and I feel a tiny pinprick of frustration. I was expecting more of a response. Although, now I remember, Josh never does respond to stuff much. He’s so easygoing. It’s what I love about him, I quickly remind myself: his lovely laid-back nature. He never stresses. He never overreacts. He never gets ratty. His approach to life is: Just get along. Which is so sane.

“We should go to Goa one day!” I change the subject, and Josh’s brow clears.

“Definitely. It’s supposed to be great. You know, I’m really into the idea of taking some time off. Like six months or so.”

“We could do it together!” I say joyfully. “We could both give up our jobs, we could travel around, start off in Mumbai-”

“Don’t start planning it all,” he says in suddenly tetchy tones. “Don’t hem me in. Jesus!”

I stare at him in shock. “Josh?”

“Sorry.” He looks taken aback by himself too. “Sorry.”

“Is something wrong?”

“No. At least…” He rubs his head roughly with both hands, then looks up, confused. “I know this is great, you and me being back together. I know I’m the one who wanted it. But sometimes I have this flash of… what the fuck are we doing?”

“You see?” Sadie’s crowing voice above the table makes me jump. She’s hovering above us like an avenging angel.

Focus. Don’t look up. Pretend she’s just a big lamp shade.

“I… I think that’s pretty normal,” I say, determinedly gazing at Josh. “We’ve both got to adjust; it’ll take time.”

“It’s not normal!” Sadie cries impatiently. “He doesn’t really want to be here! I told you, he’s a puppet! I can make him say or do anything! You want to marry Lara one day!” says Sadie loudly into Josh’s ear. “Tell her!”

Josh’s look of confusion deepens.

“Although I do think… one day… maybe you and I should… get married.”

“On a beach!”

“On a beach,” he repeats obediently.

“And have six children!”

“I’d like loads of kids too,” he says bashfully. “Four… or five… or even six. What do you think?”

I dart Sadie a look of hatred. She’s spoiling everything with her stupid party trick.

“Hold that thought, Josh,” I say as pleasantly as I can. “I just need to go to the loo.”

I have never moved so quickly as I do across that restaurant. In the ladies’, I bang the door shut and glower at Sadie.

“What are you doing?”

“Proving a point. He has no mind of his own.”

“He does!” I say furiously. “And, anyway, just because you’re prompting him to say these things, it doesn’t prove he doesn’t love me. He probably does want to get married to me, deep down! and have lots of kids!”

“You think so,” Sadie says scoffingly.

“Yes! You couldn’t make him say anything he didn’t genuinely believe on some level.”

“You think?” Sadie’s head jerks up, and her eyes glitter at me for a moment. “Very well. Challenge accepted.” She zooms toward the door.

“What challenge?” I say in horror. “I didn’t challenge you!”

I hurry back into the restaurant-but Sadie streaks ahead of me. I can see her yelling in Josh’s ear. I can see his eyes glazing over. I can’t get to the table because I’m stuck behind a waiter with about five plates. What the hell is she doing to him?

All of a sudden Sadie appears beside me again. Her lips are pressed together as though she’s trying not to laugh.

“What have you done?” I snap.

“You’ll see. And then you’ll believe me.” She looks so gleeful, I feel like throttling her.

“Leave me alone!” I mutter. “Just go away!”

“Very well!” she says, with an insouciant toss of her chin. “I’ll go! But you’ll still see I’m right!”

She vanishes and I approach the table nervously. Josh looks up with that faraway, punch-drunk expression, and my heart sinks. Sadie obviously got through to him, big-time. What’s she been saying?

“So!” I begin brightly. “Have you decided what to eat yet?”

Josh doesn’t even seem to hear. It’s as though he’s in a trance.

“Josh!” I snap my fingers. “Josh, wake up!”

“Sorry. I was miles away. Lara, I’ve been thinking.” He leans forward and gazes at me with great intensity. “I think I should become an inventor.”

“An inventor?” I gape at him.

“And I should move to Switzerland.” Josh is nodding seriously. “It’s just come to me, out of nowhere. This amazing… insight. I have to change my life. At once.”

I will murder her.

“Josh…” I try to keep calm. “You don’t want to move to Switzerland. You don’t want to be an inventor. You work in advertising.”

“No, no.” His eyes are shining as if he’s a pilgrim who’s seen the Blessed Virgin. “You don’t understand. I’ve been on the wrong path. It’s all falling into place. I want to go to Geneva and retrain in astrophysics.”

“You’re not a scientist!” My voice is shrill. “How can you be an astrophysicist?”

“But maybe I was meant to study science,” he says fervently. “Didn’t you ever hear a voice inside your head, telling you to change your life? Telling you that you’re on the wrong path?”

“Yes, but you don’t listen to the voice!” I lose all semblance of composure. “You ignore the voice! You say, ‘That’s a stupid voice!’”

“How can you say that?” Josh looks taken aback. “Lara, you have to listen to yourself. You’re the one who always told me that.”

“But I didn’t mean-”

“I was just sitting here, minding my own business, when the inspiration came to me.” He’s overflowing with enthusiasm. “Like an epiphany. Like a realization. Like when I realized I should be back with you. It’s exactly the same.”

His words are like a splinter of ice in my heart. For a few moments I can’t bring myself to speak.

“Is it… exactly the same?” I say at last.

“Well, of course.” Josh peers at me uncomprehendingly. “Lara, don’t get upset.” He reaches across the table. “Come with me to Geneva. We’ll start a new life. And do you want to know the other idea I’ve just had, out of the blue?” His face glows with happiness as he draws breath. “I want to open a zoo. What do you think?”

I want to cry. I think I might cry.

“Josh-”

“No, hear me out.” He slaps a hand on the table. “We start an animal charity. Endangered species. We hire experts, get some funding…”

Tears are welling up in my eyes as he talks. OK, I’m saying savagely to Sadie in my mind. I get it. I GET it.

“Josh.” I cut him right off. “Why did you want to get back together with me?”

There’s silence. Josh still has that trancey look in his eyes.

“I don’t remember.” His brow creases in a frown. “Something just told me it was the right thing to do. This voice in my head. It told me I still loved you.”

“But after you heard the voice.” I try not to sound too desperate. “Did it seem like all your old feelings for me were kicking in? Like an old car after you turn the handle round and round and it’s sputtering and then suddenly the engine comes to life. Did anything come to life?”

Josh looks as though I’ve asked him a trick question. “Well, it was like I heard this voice in my head-”

“Forget the voice!” I practically scream at him. “Was there anything else?”

Josh frowns irritably. “What else would there be?”

“The photo of us!” I’m scrabbling desperately. “On your phone. You must have kept that for a reason.”

“Oh. That.” Josh’s face softens, exactly the same way I saw it soften before when he looked at the two of us on that mountain. “I love that picture.” He gets his phone out and looks at it. “My favorite view in all the world.”

His favorite view.

“I see,” I say at last. My throat is aching from trying not to cry. I think, finally, I do see.

For a while I can’t say a word. I’m just circling the rim of my wineglass around and around with my finger, unable to look up. I was so convinced. I was so sure that once he was back with me he’d realize. We’d click. It would be fantastic, like it was before.

But maybe I’ve been thinking about a different Josh all this time. There was real-life Josh and there was Josh-in-my-head. And they were almost, almost exactly the same, except for one tiny detail.

One loved me and the other one didn’t.

I lift my head and look at him now as though for the first time. At his handsome face; his T-shirt with some obscure band logo, the silver bracelet he always wears around his wrist. He’s still the same person. There’s nothing wrong with him. It’s just… I’m not the violin to his bow.

“Have you ever been to Geneva?” Josh is saying, and my thoughts are wrenched back to the present.

For God’s sake. Geneva. A zoo. How did Sadie think of all this stuff? She’s totally screwed with his mind. She’s so irresponsible.

Thank God she’s stuck to meddling with my love life, I think grimly. Thank God she hasn’t gone around trying to influence any world leaders or anything. She would have caused global meltdown.

“Josh, listen,” I say at last. “I don’t think you should move to Geneva. Or train as an astrophysicist. Or open a zoo. Or…” I swallow hard, psyching myself up to say it. “Or… be with me.”

“What?”

“I think this is all a mistake.” I gesture at the table. “And… it’s my fault. I’m sorry for pestering you all this time, Josh. I should have let you get on with your life. I won’t bother you again.”

Josh looks poleaxed. But then, he’s looked fairly poleaxed throughout most of the conversation.

“Are you… sure?” he says feebly.

“Totally.” As the waiter approaches the table, I close the menu I’m holding. “We’re not going to eat anything after all. Just the bill, please.”

As I walk back to the office from the tube, I feel almost numb. I turned Josh down. I told him we weren’t right together. I can’t quite process the enormity of what just happened.

I know I did the right thing. I know Josh doesn’t love me. I know Josh-in-my-head was a fantasy. And I know I’ll come to terms with it. But it’s hard to accept. Especially when I could have had him so easily. So easily.

“So!” Sadie’s voice jolts me out of my reverie. She’s obviously been waiting for me. “Did I prove a point? Don’t tell me, it’s all over between you.”

“Geneva?” I say coldly. “Astrophysics?”

Sadie bursts into giggles. “Too funny!”

She thinks it’s all just entertainment. I hate her.

“So what happened?” She’s bobbing around, her face lit up with glee. “Did he say he wanted to open a zoo?”

She wants to hear that she was completely right and it’s all over and it was all down to her super-skills, doesn’t she? Well, I’m not going to give her the satisfaction. I’m not going to have her exulting over me. Even if she was completely right and it is all over and it was all down to her super-skills.

“Zoo?” I adopt a perplexed expression. “No, Josh never mentioned any zoo. Should he have?”

“Oh.” Sadie stops bobbing.

“He mentioned Geneva briefly, but then he realized that was a ridiculous idea. Then he said he’d been hearing this really annoying, whiny voice in his head recently.” I shrug. “He said he was sorry if he hadn’t been making much sense. But the most important thing was, he wanted to be with me. And then we agreed to take things slowly and sensibly.” I stride on, avoiding her eyes.

“You mean… you’re still seeing each other?” Sadie sounds astounded.

“Of course we are,” I say, as though surprised she’s even asking. “You know, it takes more than a ghost with a loud voice to break up a real relationship.”

Sadie looks utterly flummoxed.

“You can’t be serious.” She finds her voice. “You can’t be.”

“Well, I am,” I shoot back, as my phone buzzes with a text. I glance down, and it’s from Ed.

Hey. R u still on for sightseeing on Sunday? E

“That was from Josh.” I smile lovingly at my phone. “We’re meeting up on Sunday.”

“To get married and have six children?” says Sadie sarcastically. But she sounds on the defensive.

“You know, Sadie,” I give her a patronizing smile, “you may be able to sway people’s heads. But you can’t sway their hearts.”

Ha. Take that, ghostie.

Sadie glowers at me, and I can tell she can’t think of a reply. She looks so disconcerted, I almost feel cheered up. I swing around the corner and into the door of our building.

“There’s a girl in your office, by the way,” says Sadie, following me. “I don’t like the look of her one little bit.”

“Girl? What girl?” I hurry up the stairs, wondering if Shireen has come by. I push open the door, stride in-and stop dead with shock.

It’s Natalie.

What the hell is Natalie doing here?

She’s right there in front of me. Sitting in my chair. Talking on my phone. She’s looking deeply tanned and wearing a white shirt with a navy pencil skirt, and laughing throatily at something. As she sees me, she demonstrates no surprise, just gives me a wink.

“Well, thanks, Janet. I’m glad you appreciate the work,” she says in her confident, drawling way. “You’re right-Clare Fortescue has hidden her light under a bushel. Hugely talented. Perfect for you. I was determined to woo her… No, thank you. That’s my job, Janet, that’s why you pay me my commission…” She gives that deep, throaty laugh again.

I shoot a shocked glance over at Kate, who gives me a helpless shrug.

“We’ll be in touch.” Natalie’s still talking. “Yeah, I’ll talk to Lara. She obviously has a few things to learn, but… Well, yes, I did have to pick up the pieces, but she’s a promising girl. Don’t write her off.” She winks at me again. “OK, thanks, Janet. We’ll do lunch. Take care now.” As I stare in disbelief, Natalie puts down the phone, swivels around, and smiles at me lazily. “So. How’s tricks?”