Twenties Girl

TWENTY

But next morning the flat is still and silent. Normally Sadie appears as I’m making a cup of tea, perching on the work surface, making rude comments about my pajamas and telling me I don’t know how to make tea properly.

Today there’s nothing. I fish my tea bag out of my cup and look around the kitchen.

“Sadie? Sadie, are you there?”

There’s no reply. The air feels dead and empty.

As I get ready for work, it’s weirdly quiet without Sadie’s constant babble. In the end I turn the radio on for company. And, on the plus side, at least there’s no one bossing me around. At least I can do my makeup my way today. Defiantly, I put on a frilled top I know she hates. Then, feeling a bit bad, I add another coat of mascara. Just in case, somehow, she’s watching.

Before I leave, I can’t help looking around one last time.

“Sadie? Are you there? I’m going to work now, so if you want to talk or anything, just come to the office…”

Holding my tea, I go around the whole flat, calling out, but there’s no response. God knows where she is or what she’s doing, or what she’s feeling-I feel a fresh spasm of guilt as I remember her hollow face. If I’d only known she heard us talking at the funeral-

Anyway. There’s nothing I can do about it now. If she wants me, she knows where to find me.

I get to work just after nine-thirty to find Natalie already at her desk, flicking her hair back as she talks on the phone. “Yeah. That’s what I said to him, babe.” She winks at me and taps her watch. “In a bit late, aren’t you Lara? Got into bad habits when I was away? Anyway, babe…” She swivels back again.

Bad habits? Me?

I’m instantly seething. Who does she think she is? She’s the one who buggered off to India. She’s the one who behaved un-professionally. And now she’s treating me like the dim work-experience girl.

“Natalie,” I say as she puts the phone down. “I need to talk to you.”

“And I need to talk to you.” Natalie’s eyes gleam at me. “Ed Harrison, eh?”

“What?” I say, confused.

“Ed Harrison,” she repeats impatiently. “You’ve kept him a bit quiet, haven’t you?”

“What do you mean?” Faint alarm bells are ringing. “How do you know about Ed?”

“Business People!” Natalie turns a magazine toward me, open at the picture of Ed and me. “Good-looking chap.”

“I’m not… it’s a business thing,” I say hurriedly, looking up.

“Oh, I know, Kate told me. You’re back with Josh, whatever…” Natalie gives a mock-yawn to show just how interesting my love life is to her. “That’s my point. This Ed Harrison is a nice juicy bit of talent. Do you have a plan?”

“Plan?”

“For placing him!” Natalie leans forward and speaks with elaborate patience. “We’re a headhunting firm, Lara. We place people in jobs. That’s what we do. That’s how we make money.”

“Oh!” I try to hide my horror. “No. No. You don’t understand. He’s not that kind of contact. He doesn’t want a new job.”

“He thinks he doesn’t,” Natalie corrects me.

“No, really, forget it. He hates headhunters.”

“He thinks he does.”

“He’s not interested.”

“Yet.” Natalie winks, and I feel like hitting her.

“Stop it! He’s not!”

“Everyone has their price. When I dangle the right salary in front of him, believe me, the story will change.”

“It won’t! Not everything’s about money, you know.”

Natalie bursts into mocking laughter.

“What’s happened while I’ve been away? Have we turned into the bloody Mother Teresa Agency? We need to earn commission, Lara. We need to make a profit.”

“I know,” I snap. “That’s what I was doing while you were lying on the beach in Goa, remember?”

“Ooh!” Natalie tosses back her head and laughs. “Miaou!”

She’s not remotely shamefaced. She hasn’t once apologized, for anything. How could I have thought she was my best friend? I feel like I don’t even know her.

“Just leave Ed alone,” I say fiercely. “He doesn’t want a new job. I’m serious. He won’t talk to you, anyway-”

“He already did.” She leans back, looking supremely pleased with herself.

“What?”

“I called him this morning. That’s the difference between you and me: I don’t hang around. I get the job done.”

“But he doesn’t take calls from headhunters,” I say, bewildered. “How did you-”

“Oh, I didn’t give my name at first,” says Natalie gaily. “Just said I was a friend of yours and you’d asked me to call. We had quite a little chat, as it happens. He didn’t seem to know anything about Josh, but I gave him the full picture.” She raises her eyebrows. “Interesting. Keeping the boyfriend from him for a reason, were you?”

I feel a rising dismay.

“What-what exactly did you say about Josh?”

“Ooh, Lara!” Natalie looks delighted at my discomfiture. “Were you planning on a little intrigue with him? Have I ruined things for you?” She puts a hand over her mouth. “Sorry!”

“Shut up!” I yell, finally losing it. “Shut up!”

I have to talk to Ed. Now. Grabbing my mobile, I hurry out of the office, bumping into Kate on the way. She’s carrying a coffee tray and widens her eyes as she sees me.

“Lara! Are you OK?”

“Natalie,” I say shortly, and she winces.

“I think she’s worse with a tan,” she whispers, and I can’t help a reluctant smile. “Are you coming in?”

“In a minute. I have to make a call. It’s kind of… private.” I head down the stairs and out onto the street, speed-dialing Ed’s number. God knows what Natalie said to him. God knows what he thinks of me now.

“Ed Harrison’s office.” A woman’s voice answers.

“Hi.” I try not to sound as apprehensive as I feel. “It’s Lara Lington here. Could I possibly speak to Ed?”

As I’m put on hold, my mind can’t help traveling back to yesterday. I can remember exactly how his arms felt around me. How his skin felt against mine. The smell of him, the taste of him… And then that awful way he retreated into his shell. It makes me flinch just remembering.

“Hi, Lara. What can I do for you?” His voice comes on the line. Formal and businesslike. Not one shred of warmth. My heart sinks slightly, but I try to sound upbeat and pleasant.

“Ed, I gather my colleague Natalie rang you this morning. I’m so sorry. It won’t happen again. And I also wanted to say…” I hesitate awkwardly. “I’m really sorry about how yesterday ended.”

And I don’t have a boyfriend, I want to add. And I wish we could rewind and go up on the London Eye and you’d kiss me again. And this time I wouldn’t pull away, whatever happened, however many ghosts yelled at me.

“Lara, please don’t apologize.” Ed sounds remote. “I should have realized you had more… commercial concerns, shall we say. That’s why you were trying to let me down. I appreciate that little blast of honesty, at any rate.”

I feel a sudden iciness in my spine. Is that what he thinks? That I was just after him for business?

“Ed, no,” I say quickly. “It wasn’t like that. I really enjoyed our day together. I know things went a bit weird, but there were… complicating factors. I can’t explain-”

“Please don’t patronize me,” Ed interrupts evenly. “You and your colleague clearly cooked up a little plan. I don’t particularly appreciate your methods, but I suppose you have to be applauded for perseverance.”

“It’s not true!” I say in horror. “Ed, you can’t believe anything Natalie says. You know she’s unreliable. You can’t believe we cooked up a plan, it’s a ludicrous idea!”

“Believe me,” he says shortly, “after the small amount of research I did on Natalie, I’d believe her capable of any plan, however devious or dumb-assed. Whether you’re simply nave or as bad as she is, I don’t know-”

“You’ve got it all wrong!” I say desperately.

“Jesus, Lara!” Ed sounds at the end of his tether. “Don’t push it. I know you have a boyfriend. I know you and Josh got back together, probably never even broke up. The whole thing was a sting, and don’t fucking insult me by carrying on with the charade. I should’ve realized the instant you showed up in my office. Maybe you did your research and found out about Corinne and me. Figured you could get to me that way. God knows what you people are capable of. Nothing would surprise me.”

His voice is so harsh, so hostile, I flinch.

“I wouldn’t do that! I would never do that, never!” My voice trembles. “Ed, what we had was real. We danced… we had such fun… You can’t think it was all fake-”

“And you don’t have a boyfriend, I suppose.” He sounds like a barrister in court.

“No! Of course not-I mean yes,” I correct myself. “I did, but I split up with him on Friday-”

“On Friday!” Ed gives a humorless laugh which makes me wince. “How convenient. Lara, I don’t have time for this.”

“Ed, please.” My eyes are welling up. “You have to believe me-”

“Bye, Lara.”

The phone goes dead. I stand for a moment, motionless, little darts of pain shooting around my body. There’s no point calling back. There’s no point trying to explain. He’ll never believe me. He thinks I’m a cynical user-or, at best, nave and weak. And there’s nothing I can do.

No. I’m wrong. There is something I can do.

I fiercely brush at my eyes and turn on my heel. As I arrive upstairs, Natalie’s on the phone, filing her nails and uproariously laughing at something. Without pausing, I head for her desk, reach over and cut the line.

“What the fuck?” Natalie spins around. “I was on the phone!”

“Well, now you’re not,” I say evenly. “And you’re going to listen to me. I’ve had enough. You can’t behave like this.”

“What?” She laughs.

“You swan off to Goa. You expect us to pick up the pieces. It’s arrogant and unfair.”

“Hear, hear!” chimes in Kate, then claps a hand to her mouth as we both swivel to look at her.

“Then you come back and take credit for a client who I found! Well, I’m not going to put up with it! I’m not going to be used anymore! In fact… I can’t work with you anymore!”

I wasn’t actually planning to say that last bit. But now I’ve said it, I realize I mean it. I can’t work with her. I can’t even spend time with her. She’s toxic.

“Lara. Babe. You’re stressed out.” Natalie rolls her eyes humorously. “Why don’t you take the day off-”

“I don’t need the day off!” I explode. “I need you to be honest! You lied about being fired from your last job!”

“I was not fired.” An ugly scowl appears on Natalie’s face. “It was a mutual decision. They were total assholes, anyway; they never appreciated me properly-” She suddenly seems to realize how she’s sounding. “Lara, come on. You and me, we’re going to make a great team.”

“We’re not!” I shake my head. “Natalie, I don’t think like you! I don’t work like you! I want to put people into great jobs, not treat them like bits of meat. It’s not all about salary!” Feeling fired up, I grab her stupid Salary, salary, salary Post-it off the wall and try to rip it up, except it keeps sticking to my fingers so in the end I just crumple it. “It’s about the package, the person, the company-the whole picture. Matching people. Making it right for everyone. And if it’s not about that, it should be.”

I’m still half hoping that I might get through to her somehow. But her incredulous expression doesn’t alter one iota.

“Matching people!” She bursts into derisive laughter. “News flash, Lara: This isn’t a lonely hearts bureau!”

She’s never going to understand me. And I’m never going to understand her.

“I want to break up our partnership,” I say, my jaw set. “It was a mistake. I’ll speak to the lawyer.”

“Whatever.” She stands, folding her arms, and leans back proprietorially against her desk. “But you’re not poaching any of my clients; it’s in our agreement. So don’t get any bright ideas about ripping me off.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” I say tightly.

“Go on, then.” Natalie shrugs. “Clear your desk. Do whatever you’ve got to do.”

I glance over at Kate. She’s watching us, utterly aghast.

“Sorry,” I mouth. In response, she gets out her phone and starts texting something. A moment later, my phone bleeps and I pull it out.

I don’t blame u. If u start a company can I come? Kx

I text back.

Of course. But I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. Thanks, Kate. L xx

Natalie has sat back down at her desk and is ostentatiously typing at her computer as if I don’t exist.

I feel a bit light-headed as I stand there in the middle of the office. What have I just done? This morning I had a business and a future. Now I don’t. I’ll never get all my money back off Natalie. What will I tell Mum and Dad?

No. Don’t think about that now.

My throat is tight as I pick up a cardboard box from the corner, empty the computer paper out of it, and start packing my stuff. My hole punch. My pen holder.

“But if you think you can set up on your own and do what I do, you’re wrong.” Natalie suddenly lashes out, swiveling on her chair. “You don’t have any contacts. You don’t have any expertise. All your airy-fairy ‘I want to give people great jobs’ and ‘Look at the whole picture.’ That’s not going to run a business. And don’t expect me to give you a job when you’re starving in the street.”

“Maybe Lara isn’t going to stay in recruitment!” To my astonishment, Kate chimes in from across the room. “Maybe she’s going to do something else altogether! She has other talents, you know.” She nods at me excitedly, and I peer back in slight confusion. I do?

“Like what?” says Natalie scathingly.

“Like mind reading!” Kate brandishes Business People. “Lara, you’ve kept so quiet about this! There’s a whole piece about you at the back on the gossip page! Lara Lington entertained crowds for an hour with her spectacular mind-reading feats. Organizers have been inundated with requests for Ms. Lington to entertain at corporate events. ‘I’ve never seen anything like it,’ said John Crawley, chairman of Medway plc. ‘Lara Lington should have her own TV show.’”

“Mind reading?” Natalie looks gobsmacked.

“It’s… something I’ve been working on.” I shrug.

“It says here you read five minds at once!” Kate is bubbling over. “Lara, you should go on Britain’s Got Talent! You’ve got a real gift!”

“Since when could you mind read?” Natalie’s eyes narrow suspiciously.

“That would be telling. And, yes, maybe I will do a few corporate events,” I add defiantly. “Start a little business up. So I probably won’t be starving in the street, thanks very much, Natalie.”

“Read my mind, then, if you’ve got such a gift.” Natalie thrusts her chin out challengingly. “Go on.”

“No, thanks,” I say sweetly. “I’d rather not pick up anything nasty.”

There’s a snuffling noise from Kate. For the first time today, Natalie looks discomfited. I pick up my box before she can think of anything else to say and head over to Kate to give her a hug.

“Bye, Kate. Thanks for everything. You’re a star.”

“Lara, good luck.” She squeezes me back tightly and whispers, “I’ll miss you,” in my ear.

“Bye, Natalie,” I add shortly as I head to the door.

I push it open and walk along the corridor to the lift, press the button, and heft the box in my arms. I feel a bit numb. What am I going to do now?

“Sadie?” I say out of habit. But there’s no reply. Of course there isn’t.

The lift in our building is slow and ancient, and I’m just starting to hear its dim, cranking sound when there are footsteps behind me. I turn to see Kate approaching, looking breathless.

“Lara, I wanted to catch you before you left,” she says urgently. “Do you need an assistant?”

Oh God, she’s so sweet. She’s like the girl in Jerry Maguire. She wants to come with me and bring the goldfish. If we had one.

“Er… well, I don’t know whether I’m setting up another company yet, or what, but I’ll definitely let you know-”

“No, for your mind reading” she interrupts. “Do you need an assistant to help you with your tricks? Because I’d love to do it. I can wear a costume. And I can juggle!”

“Juggle?” I can’t help echoing.

“Yes! With beanbags! I could be your warm-up act!”

She looks so excited, I can’t bear to crush her hopes. I can’t bear to say, “I can’t really mind read; none of this is real.”

I’m so weary of no one else understanding. I wish I could sit down with just one person and say, “You know, the truth is, there’s this ghost…”

“Kate, I’m not sure that’ll work out.” I try to think of how to let her down lightly. “The truth is… I already have an assistant.”

“Oh, really?” Kate’s eager face deflates. “But they didn’t mention any assistant in the article. They said you did it all on your own.”

“She was kind of… backstage. She didn’t really want to be seen.”

“Who is she?”

“She’s… a relation,” I say at last.

Kate’s face falls still further. “Oh, right. Well, I suppose you probably work well together if you’re related.”

“We’ve got to understand each other pretty well.” I nod, biting my lip. “I mean, we’ve had a zillion arguments along the way. But, you know. We’ve spent a lot of time together. We’ve been through quite a lot. We’re… friends.”

I feel a pang in my chest even as I’m saying it. Maybe we were friends. I don’t know what we are now. And all of a sudden I feel heavy despair. Look at me. I’ve messed everything up with Sadie, with Ed, with Josh, I don’t have a business anymore, my parents are going to freak out, I’ve spent all my spare money on bloody flapper dresses-

“Well, if she ever doesn’t want to do it anymore…” Kate’s face brightens. “Or if she wants an assistant?”

“I don’t know what our plans are. I just… it’s all been a bit…” I feel my eyes sting. Kate’s face is so sympathetic and open, and I’ve been feeling so tense, the words start slipping out. “The thing is… we had a row. And she disappeared. I haven’t seen her or heard from her since.”

“You’re joking!” says Kate in dismay. “What was the row about?”

“Lots of things,” I say miserably. “I suppose mostly about… a man.”

“And do you know if she’s…” Kate hesitates. “I mean… is she OK?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what’s happened to her. She could be anywhere. I mean, normally we’re talking to each other all day long. But now… total silence.” With no warning, a tear rolls down my cheek.

“Oh, Lara!” says Kate, looking almost as upset as I feel. “And all this with Natalie too. Can Josh help?” She suddenly lights up. “Does he know her? He’s so supportive-”

“I’m not with Josh anymore!” I give a sudden sob. “We split up!”

“You split up?” Kate gasps. “Oh God, I had no idea! You must be so stressed out!”

“It hasn’t been my best week, to be honest.” I wipe my eyes. “Or my best day. Or my best hour.”

“You did the right thing, though, leaving Natalie.” Kate lowers her voice fervently. “And you know what? Everyone will want to do business with you. They love you. And they hate Natalie.”

“Thanks.” I try to smile. The lift arrives, and Kate holds the doors open for me while I lug my box in and balance it on the rail.

“Is there anywhere you could look for your relation?” Kate surveys me anxiously. “Is there any way you could track her down?”

“Dunno.” I shrug despondently. “I mean, she knows where I am, she knows how to get hold of me-”

“Maybe she wants you to make the first move, though?” Kate says tentatively. “You know, if she’s feeling hurt, maybe she’s waiting for you to get hold of her. It’s just an idea…” she calls as the doors begin to close. “I don’t want to interfere…”

The lift starts inching creakily downward, and I stare at the grotty carpet-wall, suddenly transfixed. Kate’s a genius. She’s got it in one. Sadie’s so proud, she’d never make the first move. She’ll be waiting somewhere; waiting for me to come and apologize and make up. But where?

After what seems like hours, the lift arrives at the ground floor, but I don’t move, even though this box is starting to weigh my arms down. I’ve left my job. I have no idea what my future is. My life feels as if it’s just been through the shredder, on extra-fine, totally destroy mode.

But I refuse to wallow. Or cry. Or drone on about it. I can almost hear Sadie’s voice in my ear. Darling, when things go wrong in life, you lift your chin, put on a ravishing smile, mix yourself a little cocktail…

“Tally-ho!” I say to my reflection in the grimy mirror, just as Sanjeev, who works on the ground floor, walks into the lift.

“Sorry?” he says.

I summon the most ravishing smile I can. (At least, I hope it’s ravishing, as opposed to deranged-looking.) “I’m leaving. Bye, Sanjeev. Nice knowing you.”

“Oh,” he says in surprise. “Well, good luck. What are you doing next?”

I don’t even pause to think.

“I’ll be doing a bit of ghost-hunting,” I say.

“Ghost-hunting?” He looks confused. “Is that like… headhunting?”

“Kind of.” I smile again and head out of the lift.