Unraveled

CHAPTER TWELVE

WHAT WE’D SHARED IN THE car changed something between Gray and me. And it wasn’t just sex. It was the connecting we did afterward. I wondered if he could hear how much he actually didn’t enjoy his random soulless hook ups—calling himself a live action dildo wasn’t much of a compliment. They weren’t even his friends, even if he liked to use the label “friends with benefits.” Obviously his cheating ex had affected him badly, and he’d not gotten over it. But guys that went into the military didn’t like to admit that they were weak.

Will had come home after basic training and I’d asked him why his feet looked like they had been tortured. Was it called boot camp because your feet took on the smell and look of a worn rubber boot?

But he’d scoffed at my concern. His fucked-up feet were a sign of his achievements, I guess. I tried to get him to get a pedicure with me, but he’d said he wasn’t going to spend any minute of his leave having some chick paint his toenails. He’d never hear the end of it. I suspected Gray was just the same way. Admitting that a girl hurt his heart so much that he was afraid to get close again wasn’t in his DNA. But I recognized grief and loss and sorrow and pain. I’d lived with it for years. Those feelings were intimate friends of mine, and they dogged Gray too.

I drove him back to Adam’s house. He invited me in, but I didn’t want to wake up in a house full of guys and neither of us were ready for him to go back to the condo. Heck, even I went back to my parents’ house. I told Gray I was too tired to drive anywhere but the truth was that I was scared to go back to my condo. Scared that Will would be there, looking at me with disapproval. He’d be able to smell Gray on me and see the lazy look of satisfaction in my eyes. I'd just had an orgasm with someone other than Will, and I wasn't ready to bring that home. Instead, I climbed into my Will-free bed and dreamt of another man between my legs.

When I woke up feeling guilty and turned on, I called Eve for some courage and advice.

"You aren't supposed to have feelings for the rebound guy, right?" I asked Eve the next morning.

"Right!" she exclaimed. "Tell me you aren't falling for soldier boy."

I didn't say anything.

"Are you there?" Eve asked.

"You told me not to tell you anything."

"Dammit, Sam." The gusty sigh whistled over the telephone line.

"I know but he's so vulnerable." I told Eve about his friends with benefits.

"So he's not over his ex?"

"No, he's over her, but he's still suffering from the negative side effects. I get it."

"He's not a widower." Eve tried to depress my mounting excitement.

"I know, but he's suffered. I feel, I don't know, like he’s a kindred spirit or something."

"I think you're reading too much into this."

"I'm not," I protested. We'd even exchanged phone numbers before he'd kissed me sweetly good night. The memory of last night made my body tingle all over. "He's very sweet beneath his prickly exterior. He really longs for a special connection with someone but is too scared to reach for it."

Eve contemplated this for a moment. "That sounds like how you feel."

"Could be. Could be we both feel this way."

"Just be careful." Eve sighed.

"Thanks for the pep talk." I smiled and hung up at her blowing me a raspberry over the phone.

GRAY TEXTED ME MID-MORNING.

U around?

Yes.

A few seconds later my phone rang. It was Gray.

“How are you feeling this morning?”

“Good, you?”

“Felt…odd,” he said and before any anxiety had set in, he continued. “I missed you.” Then he laughed. “I think. Sleeping over isn’t something I’m familiar with but I woke up thinking about you. When I jogged over to your parents’ house your Rover was gone.”

I felt warm all over. “I went back to the condo and now I’m sitting on my balcony knitting.”

“I wish I could come over but the boys want to head to the Boundary Waters and do some portaging.”

“That’s what? Carrying your canoe around?”

“Yeah and eating uncooked beans and rice.”

“Sounds really fabulous,” I said, completely insincere.

Gray chuckled. “Anyway, I wanted to call and let you know that I’ll have no cell phone service for a week. Can I see you when I get back?”

I covered the phone and let out a shaky breath. Until that moment I hadn’t realized how much I wanted, maybe even needed, to see him again and for him to want to be with me. “I’d like that,” I told him once I gathered my self-possession.

“I’ll be thinking about you,” he said and his low tone made me tremble.

I took a step off the cliff, hoping the safety rope was still there. “I’ll be fantasizing about you.” It was about as edgy and sexy as I felt like I could get.

A long pause followed my words and I grew concerned that I’d interpreted all of this incorrectly. Then I heard a cough, a rustle, and a slight groan. The sound was different when he spoke too. “Sorry, had to get some privacy here,” he said. “I’m going to need you to go into greater detail.”

“Ahhh,” I stalled. I had very little practice in talking dirty to someone. “Um, sorry, I’m sitting out here on my balcony and I think I’m redder than my neighbor’s peonies.”

He burst out laughing and the sound of it made me want to float up in the air. “That’s okay.” A pounding on the door echoed down phone lines and I heard Gray’s muffled voice yell, “I’ll be out in sec.” To me, he said in gruff voice, “I gotta go. I’ll call you the minute I get back and we’ll do something fun. I promise.”

The time apart was smart for both of us. I think we were both caught off guard by the intensity our encounter. I spent the week thinking about him and Will. Whenever Will would come home for leave, he’d try to convince me to move to Alaska with him, but I’d always rebuffed him with a litany of reasons. I had too many friends here. I would miss my family. I hated the cold. I may have been hoping that he’d give up jumping out of airplanes for me and realize that our dream of going to college together was so much better. But he was stubborn and the fervor of being a soldier held more power over him than I did.

Gray was like Will in some aspects. They both loved the military. But Gray’s love was a bittersweet one, tested by loss and experience. He spoke so passionately about the men he served with and made sure that they were ready and safe. His confusion about whether to reenlist or separate was one that would easily resolve when he sat down and accepted that responsibility he thought he couldn’t handle. Deep down, he knew he could do it but while there was time to resist, he would. As for him not trusting a woman enough to have a relationship? That was a different story but what I’d said to Eve was true. I felt a kinship with Gray and no matter what happened to us, I hoped we would be friends.

He made me feel young and excited, and I loved those feelings. They were better than sitting around my virginal bedroom wondering why I should get out of bed the next day. I found myself excited to get up. I was looking forward to his return, and I didn’t care if he had another adventure planned. I just wanted to spend time together.

During the week, I spent more time with Bitsy and realized how much I missed her company. Her crush on Tucker worried me. And Tucker worried me, with his strained relationship with his parents. They needed each other, or at least Carolyn and Tucker needed each other. I wasn’t sure if Will's dad needed anything but golf and Scotch.

On the day before Gray came back from his trip, I packed Will’s things away—all but the flag. If I was going to make room in my life for another person, then his Army assault pack and combat boots needed to be boxed up. Will was still taking up a lot of space in my mind and my condo. And it was time to let him go. All those future plans I had made with Will weren't ever going to come true. Not the two kids we talked about having, or the dogs. Not the places we were going to see or the trips we were going to take.

None of those things were going to happen now—and I couldn't foresee a future that I spent alone. I didn't want that, and I knew Will wouldn't have wanted that for me. He was always so full of life and the fact that I'd spent the last two years wandering around in the wilderness of my mind would have pissed him off. I didn't know if he would have wanted me to take up with another military guy. He might be saying right now that I should be looking for an accountant or—no, he would have wanted me to take those adventures. He'd have been proud of me, I think. Silent, hot tears started rolling down my face, but they weren't really tears of sadness. They were tears nonetheless—and I cried about all the things that I'd felt for Will. I was sorry to let him go, but it was time.

GRAY HAD CALLED ME THE evening they’d gotten home. I could hear the weariness in his voice.

“Hey, missed you,” were the first words out of his mouth.

It was easy to return the sentiment. “I’m glad you’re back.”

“Me too. I’m bushed from the ride. Don’t know why that wears me out, but it does. Can I take you somewhere tomorrow?”

“Can’t wait.”

And now we were together.

"I don't get it," I said finally. Gray was lying in the canoe, hat over his eyes, hands folded over his chest. His fishing rod was lying next to the wooden seat beside him.

"What's there to get?"

"I thought we were doing something adventurous."

"It's hot as hell out here, isn't it?"

It was. The humidity in the air hung down like a wet blanket. The heat was more bearable out on the water and the battered hat that was about two sizes too big for my head, which Gray had produced out of the back of a roommate’s truck, gave me some shade. But yeah, it was hot as hell. I dipped my hand into the water and splashed myself a little.

"How does that make it dangerous?"

"You could die from heat. A fish could capsize the boat. A gator might eat you."

I looked around the placid water.

"We don't have alligators here. I think that's a southern thing."

Gray tipped his hat back slightly so I could see his eyes. "For real, no gators?"

"I've never seen one."

"You ever been here before?" He waved an expansive hand over the water.

"No, I've never been." This place, just an hour south of the city, wasn't known to me. I'd heard of it before, but I'd never been here. Water really wasn't Will's thing. The river was quiet and there were a few boats on it. A cluster of trees and long reeds lined the shore. The whole landscape was a picture of lazy calm. "Seems safe though."

"You didn't even know about the gators not to mention all the other pitfalls."

"If it’s so dangerous, why are you lying back with your hat over your face? Shouldn't you be alert?"

I tapped the bottom of his foot with the toe of my sneaker.

"That's your job. You wanted the adventure."

"So you're just going to sleep?"

"Yeah, you protect me and let me know if I've caught anything."

“Will we stay in contact when you go back to San Diego?” I nudged his tennis shoe again.

“Sure. Friend me on Facebook.”

“You have a Facebook account?”

“Have to. Only way I can keep track of everyone from my platoon who separated.”

I stifled a giggle.

“What? Why is that funny?” he sounded indignant, or as indignant as a person can sound half asleep in a small boat.

“I just can’t see you reading a Facebook feed.” An image of Gray sitting next to me at the Central College coffee shop, flipping through Facebook feeds as we took a break from studying flashed through my mind. I chased it down and held onto the image for a moment. Longing tugged at my heart. I wasn’t ready to let him go.

“Hey, I like stupid cat pictures as much as the next person.”

Sticking my fishing rod under the seat, I started to shift toward him but my motion caused the boat to rock with some force.

"Trying to make your own adventure?" Gray's low voice broke through the silence.

“Whoops, sorry. I want to lie down next to you.”

"Sure thing, baby.” The way he said baby reminded me of how he’d growled it while we had sex, and it sent a tremor through me that had nothing to do with the rocking boat. Although when I stood up, the boat did tilt too far toward the water for me to feel comfortable.

"Stoop and do a sort of duck walk until you get to me or we'll be swimming, not boating," Gray instructed.

I slunk down to my haunches and shuffled awkwardly over to Gray. His long legs with their surprisingly soft hair rubbed against me and the tremor turned into a tingle. Our eyes caught, and his smile was naughty. He pulled me upright while his legs braced against the boat, again reminding me of his physical prowess. I settled against him, the space so small that I was almost lying half on top of him. His arm was under me and it felt very cozy and intimate. Closeness, not just sex, was another thing I'd missed.

Gray sat up and picked up his oar and placed it across the top of the boat. He did the same with mine. This time he lifted his legs up and placed them on top of the crossed oars. His long legs dangled off the other side and rested against the seat I was on. Then his hands picked up my legs and rested them against the oars. When he returned the reclining position, he pulled me down next to him and covered his face with his hat. I should have been uncomfortable. I was lying on a small wooden bench leaning against a plastic cooler and my legs were resting on crossed wooden oars. His arm was under my shoulders, cradling me.

I'd not been held like this in forever. "Just stop thinking," he said. His head was so close to mine, I could feel the small puffs of breath as he mouthed each word.

"How?"

"Pretend I'm a pillow. Close your eyes and count slowly."

I closed my eyes and began to count. One, two, three. Little by little, my body relaxed. Whether it was the sun, the heat, or the soothing touch of Gray's hand on my forearm, I let myself go and I drifted off into nothingness.

Gray smoothing lotion on my legs woke me an hour later. I fought waking because the dream had been so lovely. Big hands and long fingers rubbing up and down my legs. Those capable fingers squeezed my calves gently and palms followed the curve of my knees. Those questing hands paused above my knees. "Don't stop," I moaned. I wanted this massage to continue, right up my thighs. Those thumbs could brush the crease between my legs and hips.

When the hand didn't move like I wanted, I pulled it up and placed it right where I wanted it. The tip of the thumb pointing toward my private place between my legs. The rest of the fingers splayed across the top of my thigh and because the fingers were so long, they could wrap around the side. I sighed with pleasure and heard a masculine groan of appreciation in return. The thumb dug in for a moment and then the pressure receded. Instead, I felt the hand on my opposite leg and then my arms. I frowned but was too weak and tired to protest more. Instead, I allowed sleep to pull me under once again.