Wanting You

15 Vann

Eating dinner with Deke and Z was like eating with an entire football team gorging before a big game and after. Deke’s excuse: “You wore me out, babe.” Who the hell knew what Z’s was, but I did notice the moment Sawyer stepped in the room, Z’s total demeanor changed. He sat up a little taller, there were light brushes of his hand on her arm … if I hadn’t been paying attention, I would have missed it because of its subtlety.

Deke was actually taking this whole moving in thing seriously. I didn’t have the heart to tell him no. Who the hell was I kidding? I could say no ‘til I was blue in the face, and he wouldn’t listen. Grams already backed him up, so I was screwed there for help. And really, I wanted him here … with me … in my bed … holding me just like he was doing at the moment.

Listening to his breathing go in and out was the most calming sound I’d ever heard. Add in his sexy ass smell and I couldn’t help but snuggle up closer on his chest. Grabbing the key resting on his pec, my fingers glided over the cool metal.

I searched my memory trying to recollect if Mom ever told me about this key, but nothing came up. I didn’t even recall how it got in my drawer, but damn was I glad it was there.

The fact that Deke found it and wore it for five years blew my mind and my heart. I always knew I loved that man, but this … right here … made me love him even more, and that scared the living shit out of me. He could destroy me, but I knew I couldn’t turn away from him. Ever.

Here I thought he was so pissed at me he wanted nothing to do with me, yet he held me close to his heart for five years without even thinking twice about it. Happiness swept through my body, my arms instantly wrapping tightly around Deke, squeezing him to me. I knew I was a lost cause.

“Hey.” Deke’s gravelly voice was sexy as hell.

“Sorry to wake you up.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah. I actually am.”

“You sure? No nightmares?”

“No. I haven’t been to sleep yet for that, but thanks for putting those thoughts in my head.”

Deke chuckled in response.

“If you were so mad, why did you wear this?” The long silence that drew felt like years. I lay on his chest, continuing my massage of the key around his neck.

Finally Deke spoke. “Hurt. I was hurt. But I missed you.” Deke took a long pause, breathing in and out slowly. “You were all I had, and when you left … I had nothing.”

“Did things ever get better with your folks?”

“No. Mom died hating me. Dad tolerates me, but that’s about all.”

“I’m sorry … You know I missed you, too.”

“I do know. Now.”

“I didn’t want to leave you.”

“You’re here now. Get some sleep, babe.” Deke kissed the top of my head as I snuggled closer to him.

My eyes grew heavy, but I had a question that I needed answered. “Deke?”

“Yeah,” he mumbled.

“Tell me about the tattoo on your back. The puzzle piece.”

“Pieces,” he corrected.

“Huh? I thought I only saw one.” Deke pulled out of my arms and rolled to his stomach. Kneeling before him, I studied the tat. It was one large puzzle piece, but the large piece was cut into three smaller pieces that were all connected to each other. The large piece looked as if it was cut from Deke’s skin. I traced it with my fingertip. “Tell me about it.”

Deke let out a large sigh. “This must be the day for all the skeletons to come out.” He groaned. “The pieces make up the three people who left me: Jaxson, Mom, and you.”

My heart lurched as he continued, “The piece is out of my body because the it is missing from me.”

“Oh, Deke.” I leaned down, kissing the tattoo. “I’m so sorry.”

Deke rolled over, circling his arms around me. “You’re here now. That’s all that matters.” His lips touched mine in the sweetest kiss before he pulled away. “Get some sleep.”

“K, ‘night.”

It took me a while to come down from the revelations of the day, but hearing Deke’s breathing slow, I finally drifted off.

Waking up, I felt like I was in a warm cocoon. Deke’s entire body was draped around me, practically lying on top of me. I loved it. I loved him, not that I would tell him that.

Deke’s hips bounced, causing me to jump. “Morning.” His gruff voice was sexy as hell.

“Morning,” I whispered softly.

“How are ya this mornin’?” Deke’s hand brushed across my face, sending chills down my spine.

“I’m good. I’ve got you here, what’s not to be happy about.” Looking up, Deke’s eyes flashed to something I couldn’t read. “What?”

“I’m moving in here with you.”

“You are … huh?” I grinned.

“Your Grams’s orders. I just wanna make sure you remember that from last night.” Deke’s voice was muffled as he continued to talk into my neck.

“It’s a good thing I’m in a good mood then, huh?”

“You want me here?” Deke raised his head, his eyes latching onto mine.

More than you could ever know. “Yeah. This is nice.”

“I’ll show you nice.” Deke’s mouth found mine, crushing down into a passionate kiss. All thoughts of morning breath were lost as only thoughts of him inside me swam in my head.

The day flew by. Deke needed to go pick up his things and stop by the bar, and I needed some time to get things organized. I called the security company, who ended up putting cameras up outside and some high-tech system that only Kinsley knew how to work.

I tried my damnedest to get some writing done, but that didn’t go so hot. I just couldn’t get in the groove. Most of my thoughts were on this moment right here, sitting in my dad’s driveway. After arguing with everyone that I could drive myself and didn’t need every one of them coming with me, I drove.

“You’re not going alone,” Deke growled. “If you don’t want me going, then take one of the girls.”

“No. I’ll be fine. I’m just going to Dad’s, and I’ll meet up with you at Sully’s. I’ll text you and call when I’m leaving. I’ll be fine.” I wasn’t backing down from this. There was no way I was showing up at my father’s new home to meet his new family with a security detail.

“No,” He growled. “Not happening.”

“You are not telling me what I can and can’t do. That is not how this works, Deke Sullivan!” I yelled at him.

“You don’t know me well, do you? I’ll be following you. Once you get there and you’re in the house, I’ll go to Sully’s. You call me before you get ready to leave, and I’ll come meet you,” he said as he scowled at me.

I stared at the man in front of me. Part of me wanted to kick him in the balls for being an ass. The other part wanted to hug him for caring about me. “Fine.”

Pulling up to my dad’s house, I could see Deke’s headlights reflecting the area around my car. Giving him a small wave, I made my way up to the house. I couldn’t help but feel a little cheated. The house was beautiful with flowers all in front and looked happy, and damn if I hadn’t had that since before he left.

The front door flew open as Sydney ran down the small steps. All thoughts of getting the hell out of there vanished as soon as I saw her excitement. I’d always wanted a sister, I just never envisioned getting one like this.

“Savannah!” she yelled.

“Remember, I told you to call me Vann.”

“Daddy says your name is Savannah, and that is what I should call you.”

I smiled at her sweetly, wondering why the hell my dad didn’t want her calling me Vann. “I told her that because I call you Savannah. I never liked the name Vann.” Dad stepped down the steps toward me.

I stared at him. I thought that he’d gotten over his dislike for the name a long time ago. He said it reminded him of a van not his little girl. “It’s okay.”

“I’m glad you came.”

“I told you I would.”

“Come on in. I want you to meet Julie.” The chill through my body held me on the spot. “It’s okay,” Dad whispered, grabbing my hand and pulling me toward the front door.

Sydney grabbed my other hand. “I can’t wait to show you my room!” She was so excited, and it helped to relieve some of the tension.

I’d hated Julie for years, and now that I was in her home, I actually feared her. What did she have that my mom didn’t? What does she look like now? I’d only seen her a few times, but never really met her. I felt my anxiety grow, but kept focused on the little girl holding my hand.

She was too excited for me to let down, and I wouldn’t, no matter how uncomfortable.

Entering the front door, a huge sign that looked vaguely familiar hung on the wall. It read: ‘God Bless this Home.’

My heart broke a bit at the realization that this was their home no matter how much I wanted to hate being here; I needed to respect it.

“Savannah!” a very feminine, high-pitched voice called from down the hallway. As the petite, long blonde haired woman came down the hall rubbing her hands with a towel, I could instantly see how Dad could fall for her. She was beautiful. Her face lit up as she got closer to me.

Arms extended, she reached for me giving me a huge hug, and rather than be rude, I limply returned it. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Thank you for having me.”

“You are always welcome here.”

I pulled away and looked in her eyes. What I saw was someone who was very genuine in her words. There was no anger in them whatsoever. I thought there might be some considering I was his first wife’s kid. But nothing but happiness? “Thanks.”

“Come see my room!” Sydney grabbed my arm and began to pull me.

“Sydney. Give Savannah time to say hi.”

“But Daddy, I’ve waited a really, really, really, long time to show her my room. Please!”

Dad smiled down at Sydney. “Do you mind, Savannah?”

“Not at all.” Sydney squealed and began to pull me down to her room. I couldn’t help the huge smile that spread across my face. Grams was right. I needed to meet Sydney and actually try and build something with her. She was my sister. That was still difficult, but I was becoming more accepting of it.

“Look!” Sydney led me into a pink princess paradise. Everything except the carpet was pink—walls, bedding, furniture, curtains, and pillows—and all different shades of pink. It reminded me of bubble gum bubbles. “Come look at my Barbie house!”

She led me over to this monstrosity of a house that was taller than she was with three levels and furniture galore. A little girl’s dream. “Which is your favorite?”

“Barbie and the Pop Star, of course.” Her tone suggested that I should have known that tidbit of information already. Sydney flashed this Barbie at me that had pink and purple stripes in her hair along with a rocker dress and guitar. I didn’t remember Barbies like this when I was growing up.

“This is cool.” The Barbie station lasted all of about five minutes then we moved on to these things called LaLa Loopsies that looked like crazy dolls with buttons all over them. I didn’t get these. Then it was on to Polly Pockets, which had all these little bitty pieces. I vaguely remembered these, but mine looked nothing like this. Then on to the baby dolls.

“Look Savannah! This one I can feed, and it pees.” She handed me the peeing doll, and I couldn’t help but look at its crotch to see if I was gonna get wet. “And this one I can feed special food.” She handed me the food bandit. “And this one is a water baby Grover.”

“What does it do?” After asking, I rethought if I should have.

“Mommy puts warm water inside and then it’s all cuddly. And these are all my other babies. I have lots of names for them.”

Sydney began handing me all of her babies, naming them off so quickly I couldn’t keep up.

“You girls ready to come to dinner?” My Dad peeked his head inside of the door, smiling at me. I couldn’t help but return it as I sat there with a load of babies in my arms.

“No!” Sydney yelled.

“I know you’re excited to have Savannah here, but we need to feed her.”

“Can we come back?” Her excited little voice had me enthralled.

“Yeah. I’ll come back up here with you. Let’s see what your mommy made for dinner.”

Sydney reluctantly walked out of the room. “Come on,” Dad called. “Are you okay?”

“Yep. Why?”

“You are really quiet. I don’t remember you ever this quiet.”

I rolled my eyes. “Dad, I grew up.”

“I saw you roll your eyes, young lady.” He chuckled. “Some things never change.”

Heading to the table, Julie had it set with plates, silverware, and even a candle decoration with greens all around it in the middle. When she came in carrying a bowl, I immediately asked, “You need any help?”

“No, thank you. You are our guest. I want you to sit and relax.”

“Savannah, sit here!” Sydney called from across the room, patting the chair next to hers. As I glided into the chair, I couldn’t help the feeling of surrealness I got. A happy family dinner, which I couldn’t even remember the last time I had.

Even when dad was home, dinners never seemed to be like this, all sitting at the table together and actually smiling, but the awkwardness was still there.

“Savannah, how are you?”

“I’m good, Dad.” I began eating the meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and corn that were put on my plate, suddenly not feeling like eating, but rather, forcing myself to.

“What do you do?”

“Huh?”

“Your job, Savannah. What do you do?” Dad’s voice sounded loving just like he always was with me.

There was no way that I would be telling him about my chosen career, even though a small part of me actually wanted to, wanted to prove I made something of myself. But I kept mum. “I’m between jobs right now.”

“What did you study in college?” Dad played absently with his fork.

Surprised, I asked, “You knew I went to college?”

Dad turned and stared at me. “Of course I knew, but I don’t know what you studied.”

“Journalism.” I beamed, my pride escaping me.

“So you write?” Dad asked.

“Yes,” I said quietly, hoping for this line of questioning to be done.

Dad kept pushing, “What do you write?”

“Depends on the job. What about you, Dad? What have you been up to these days?” I needed to change the subject and get onto a topic Dad would want to talk about.

“Well, Julie and I bought some laundromats here in town and out. We manage them,” Dad mused.

“You like that?”

Dad continued twirling his fork almost nervously. “I like being my own boss.”

“Savannah. Will you play Barbies after dinner?” Sydney chimed in.

Smiling over to Sydney, I said, “I can for a little bit, but then I have to go.”

“Okay.” Sydney beamed the most beautiful smile at me, and my heart melted for her a bit more.

Dad lovingly said, “Sydney, could you run upstairs for a bit and put on a movie.”

“Daddy. I wanna stay with Savannah,” Sydney whined.

“I know, but we need to talk for a bit, but then I’ll send her right up to you.” Dad’s eyes gave the ‘father glare’ as I liked to call it. I remembered it well and always listened when he did it to me.

“Okay.” Sydney left the table, stomping her little feet. I couldn’t help but chuckle as I remembered I did the same thing as a kid every time my parents made me mad.

“Savannah, we heard what happened at Roni’s. Someone attacked you?” I should have known that in this small town everyone talked. I was utterly grateful at the moment for Z, though. He came up with a perfect story for me.

“Yeah. It was freaky. I was just shopping with Sawyer and some guy came up behind me. But I’m good.” Good. Really, was I good? Not so much.

“Cops know who it was?” Dad asked, pushing back his chair from the table and crossing his arms across his chest.

Whenever dad did that, I always felt intimidated. I knew my voice was soft. “Nope. No idea.”

“Why would someone do that?” Julie asked.

“I don’t know.” Lie. I did know, I just couldn’t tell them.

“Do you want to stay here with us for a while?” Julie’s words stunned me, my fork stopping mid-bite.

“You’d let me stay here?” I asked, shocked.

“Of course,” she said without hesitation.

“Thank you. But I’m just fine.” Even though it was wonderful that they wanted me to stay with them, I couldn’t. It was too soon to be this close to my dad.

“Do you have a security system?” Dad asked.

“Yes. I even had them put in cameras today, and Deke’s staying with me,” I said, gaining a bit more confidence.

“Deke? … Sullivan?” His voice was full of surprise.

Looking at Dad, I couldn’t tell if he thought this was good or bad. “Yeah.”

“How did you meet up with that boy?” Dad pushed.

“Well, he’s not exactly a boy anymore. Before Mom and I left, I was seeing Deke. When I got back, we picked up where we left off,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest mimicking my father’s posture.

“He’s not good,” He ground out.

“What does that mean?” I felt my defenses fly up immediately.

“He got kicked off the police force. He almost killed a man.” Anger pulsated off him.

“A drug dealer … the one who gave his mom the drugs she killed herself with,” I defended.

“Still. That is such violence. I don’t want you around that,” he barked.

“Dad, you gave up a say so in my life a long time ago,” I snipped back.

“I’m gonna go into the kitchen and then go check on Sydney. Why don’t you two go into the study so you can talk?” Julie stood up to leave.

“That’s a good idea.” Dad got up and stared at me. “Can we please talk?”

I was already here, may as well get this out. “Sure.”

I followed Dad into a small room lined with bookshelves and floor-to-ceiling windows on one side. A large cross hanging on the wall caught my attention. It was adorned with large blue and green crystals and looked beautiful. With a large desk in the middle, a couch sat on the other side of it. Dad plopped down on one end of it. “Have a seat.”

Sitting down, my hands began to sweat. I knew I should be mad at him for leaving us, but I couldn’t help in that moment feel like a little girl who just wanted her daddy. I tried pulling my big girl panties on, but they were becoming harder to yank up.

“Savannah. I know you have questions. Ask. Please.”

I sat there dumbfounded. There were so many times that I wanted to say and ask everything under the sun, but in that moment, nothing would come from my mouth.

“It’s okay, Savannah. Maybe I should just talk.” I nodded, not wanting the anger to destroy everything before it started.

“You’re mom and I had problems. Lots of problems that I tried to shield you from. Your mom liked to drink. A Lot.” I gasped in shock. I had always thought Mom started drinking ‘cause Dad left. “I’m guessing you know she drinks and thought it was because I left.” I nodded at this. I was there and heard the fights even when they were behind closed doors.

Dad continued, “Sorry, but no. She started drinking while you were little, but she was a pretty functional drunk. She was able to attend everything you had and even have supper on the table, even if she didn’t eat with us.”

Recalling that time in my life was difficult. I tried blocking it out a long time ago. “I remember she always said she needed to go upstairs.”

“Yes, and drink.” Blowing out an exasperated breath, he continued, “Savannah, I know I did things wrong. I should have never gotten involved with Julie while I was still married, but it happened. The part I’m so sorry about is you.”

Looking up at Dad’s face, I could see the light sheen of tears threatening to release from his eyes. “Everything changed after you left.”

“I tried to get you away from her, but she wouldn’t listen to me.” Dad sniffed his nose, wiping it with the back of his hand.

“Why didn’t you just talk to me? I was in high school. It’s not like I was Sydney’s age or something.”

“That was another one of my mistakes. I’m so sorry.”

“I couldn’t believe you just left us. Left me.” Hurt poured through my words.

“I should have called, but I had already caused your mom so much hurt, I didn’t want to add to it.”

“But you forgot about me.” The tears I didn’t want to show were begging to make their appearance. I ducked my head to shield my face, not wanting him to see it.

“No, I never forgot about you. I went to every school function you had until your mom left with you.”

“I didn’t want to go with her.” Reliving that pain was too much to bear.

“I found out from Grams at the supermarket that Annabelle took you to California. I’m so sorry.”

“It was bad there, Dad. Really bad.”

“I tried calling, but your mom wouldn’t let me talk to you. I thought about coming to California and getting you, but I didn’t think it would go well. But you got through it. You even got an education.”

“I had to get lots of scholarships.”

“I’m sorry. If I’d have known, I would have helped.” Looking into Dad’s eyes, I believed him.

“Don’t be sorry. I earned them, just like I earned my degree. I am very proud of both of them.”

“As you should. I’m proud of you, too.” Relief washed over me, as I’d been waiting for those words from him for so long.

“Thanks … I was so mad at you.”

“You should have been. You still should be. I’m actually a bit surprised that you’re not yelling at me.”

“I thought I would be, too.” I chuckled. “I just can’t seem to do it.”

“You know I love you.”

I stared at my dad. It had been so long that I yearned to hear those words from him. I felt the tears splashing down to my hands, as they lay crossed in my lap. Dad’s large arms engulfed me, where I began to soak his shirt, letting the years of hurt out of my body.

I didn’t say the words back, I just couldn’t. I wasn’t ready to concede to it yet. As Dad released me, I instantly wanted to go back in his arms. For him to make everything better just like he did when I was a kid. Then I thought of what I actually did for a living. How would he feel knowing his daughter wrote smutty books? I hoped he’d be proud, but I couldn’t risk it.

“Savannah. You need to be careful out there. You are a beautiful woman, and if this guy out there is trying to get his hands on you, I need you to stay with someone all the time.” Dad’s concern touched me deeply.

“I know.”

“Then why did you drive here by yourself?” he accused.

“I needed to. Deke argued with me and followed me. He didn’t give me a choice.”

“I’m leery of Deke.”

“Please don’t. I care a lot about him. I won’t hear anything bad said about him.”

“Understood. Come on. That’s enough for one night. Let’s go have dessert.”

Dad led me down to the living room where Julie and Sydney were playing Barbies on the floor. “Savannah! I thought you left!”

“I tried to convince her that you were just talking to Dad, even showed her your car was still here, but she didn’t believe me.” Julie’s bright smile was contagious.

“Well, I’m here. Which one am I?” I asked, kneeling down beside her as she handed me this really cool Barbie with tattoos! Really, a Barbie with tattoos! I couldn’t help but feel excited about it.

As we played on the floor, Julie brought out strawberry shortcake for us all to eat. “I’m really sorry that Jake couldn’t be here. He really wanted to meet you.”

“Who’s Jake?” Over all the years, I had never heard that name before.

“My son. He’s about your age, but he said he didn’t feel well. I really wanted you two to meet.” Julie grinned. I sat there, shocked, not realizing dad left us going into another family. I had no clue she had a son.

“You looked shocked, Savannah,” Dad said.

“I kinda am. I didn’t know you had a son, Julie.”

Julie turned. “From my first marriage.”

“Were you married when you and Dad got together?” When the words left my mouth, I immediately wanted to take them back. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.” Turning my head, I focused on the Barbie in it.

“No. It’s okay. No. I wasn’t married when your father and I got together. I had been divorced for about five years before that,” Julie answered.

“I know it’s a lot for you to take in. I just want to be part of your life again.” My dad cut through the fog of the stirring thoughts racing through my head.

“I’d like that too, Dad.” I never thought I would … ever, but realizing now I wanted it more than ever. I wanted to be part of Sydney’s life.

“So, have you been sending out your writing to the papers around here?” Dad questioned.

Talk about change of subject. “No, but that’s a good idea.”

“Where are you looking then?”

Dad’s questions were getting harder to evade. “I’m just taking it easy right now. I have some money saved up from previous jobs in California so I’m fine.” I felt my heart rate pick up. I hated lying, but knew I had to keep my shit together. I tried breathing slowly to calm myself.

“You really need to be thinking about a job. Your savings will go fast.”

Little did Dad know, I had enough in savings to live off for years. “Don’t worry. I really should be going. Thank you so much for dinner and for having me over.”

Julie stood. “Savannah, you are welcome here anytime. You never have to call, just come. And if you want to stay here, you are more than welcome.”

“Thanks, Julie.”

“No! I don’t want you to go!” Sydney cried.

“I have to, but I tell you what. If Mommy and Daddy say it’s okay, maybe you and I could do something together sometime.”

“Sure. Here though. Just ‘til we figure out who this guy is.” Dad’s concern was admirable.

I couldn’t help but smile. “Of course.”

Leaving the house, I actually felt relieved. I could breathe again. Not that being with them was horrible, but I just had so many pent up feelings that I’d held in for so long, and feeling them in such a short amount of time took a lot out of me.

The night was quiet with the moon’s light shining down beautifully. The stars were bright as they lit up the sky.

Getting in the car, the hair on the back of my neck stood as if electricity was flowing through me. Looking around, I didn’t see anyone except Dad waving from the door, but felt this eerie sense like someone was watching me from the shadows. Shaking it off, I locked the doors, needing Deke and a drink. Before leaving, I texted Deke and told him I was on my way.

Cranking the radio, Miranda was singing about revenge and lost love. My thoughts drifted to Deke and how wonderful he’d been since that maniac tried to hurt me. His small touches, his kisses, and words had been everything I’d ever dreamed of. I’d wanted him for so long, I couldn’t believe it was actually happening.

While I loved Miranda, I couldn’t help but feel nothing of lost love … I was so in love with this man it physically hurt. It hurt that I wasn’t near him. I needed to be with him. A smile etched on my face just thinking of him and made my cheeks throb.

Bam … My head was thrown forward, hitting my forehead on the steering wheel as my jeep was slammed into from behind. With tears in my eyes from the hit, panic raced through me and made it difficult to breathe. Searching in the rearview mirror, two bright headlights were shining coming closer and closer.

Bam … Another slam of my car. Fear touched every part of my body as I gripped the steering wheel tight. I searched for somewhere to pull in with people. I needed to get away from whoever this was immediately and get help.

Searching, there was nothing but trees lining the road with a few dusty turn offs. Trying desperately to keep my panic in check, I reminded myself I needed to stay in as much control as I could muster.

Bam … The hard hit caused the car to begin to spin. Turning the wheel, I tried like hell to regain control of the car.

Bam … It felt as if I was rolling in the air as the wind whipped all around me. A loud crash … My head slammed against something hard, and the lights went out.