Wanting You

6 Vann

I swore Deke was standing right behind me. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end, and my heart pulsated rapidly. The smell. His cologne was unmistakable, woodsy, and panty dropping.

Needless to say, when I turned around and didn’t see him, my heart fell. This man had the same build as Deke, but the long dark hair, green eyes, and goatee were totally wrong. Not to say this guy wasn’t hot, but he wasn’t Deke.

The girls brought me here to have fun, so I might as well have fun with this guy. If nothing else I could smell him. Pathetic, totally pathetic. Wrapping my arms around his neck, his hair was covering his skin. I leaned over to his ear. “What’s your name?”

“Gunner.” His voice was smooth as silk with a Southern drawl heard even through all the loud music.

“Vann!” I yelled back. He just smirked as I turned around in his arms, lining our bodies up back to front.

Instead of thinking, I just danced. I probably looked like a total slut, but whatever. Most of the people here had no clue who I even was, not that I should care. It felt liberating to grind and rub all over this hottie. I could feel his erection hard on my ass, and it made me want to give him some more.

Gripping his hips with my hands, I began to move my ass up and down his body, dropping low and continuing to grind along the way. I could smell Gunner on me, and I tried to only think of him and not Deke, but it was hard.

Gunner’s strong arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me even tighter to him. His lips and goatee were scraping my neck, and I felt my knees want to give out. The problem was, I wasn’t with Gunner … In my mind, it was Deke. How fucked up was that. Turning to him, I leaned into his ear. “I’m gonna take a break. Thanks.” I grabbed Kinsley and Sawyer and led them to the bar.

“Whatever they want, I’m buying.” Gunner’s voice stopped me. I didn’t even see him follow us.

“Thanks, but that’s okay.” I smiled sweetly. I didn’t want anything more from this guy than to dance.

“Nope, I’m buying.” Gunner’s strong, powerful voice almost scared me. It was controlled and domineering, but I kinda loved it.

I smiled into his green eyes. I swore those eyes didn’t look right, but I thought it was the alcohol talking. “Thanks.”

“No problem. You dance like that, you deserve a drink.” His wink and smirk were unbelievably sexy. Too bad my damn mind was on that irritating SOB from last night.

“Damn, he’s hot,” Kinsley said in my ear.

“Yea. He is.” I smiled back, not wanting to give my true thoughts away.

“Stop it!” Kinsley’s abrupt voice caught me off guard.

“What?” I asked, staring at her.

“You need to let him go and have fun.”

“It’s only been a day. I can’t erase five years like that.” Snapping my finger, I thought it helped get my point across.

“I didn’t say marry the guy, but just have fun.”

I knew she was right. It wasn’t like I’d been saving myself for the all-powerful Deke Sullivan all these years. But Kinsley’s right. I needed to get over this shit.

Downing my drink and pulling Gunner’s arm, I said, “Let’s dance,” and dragged him to the middle of the floor. If nothing else, it would feel real nice having his rock hard body pressed up against mine. Maybe he could help me forget.

The loud pulse of the music caused my body to move. Even as sweat poured off my body, I didn’t stop. I didn’t think. I just did. The strong arms and hands that were around me were guiding me in a subtle way, and I let him.

Gunner turned me around to face him, his growing erection now pushing into my belly. It’d been way too long since I’d had sex and I couldn’t help but think what it would be like with this man.

In one swift move, Gunner reached for the back of my head, thread his fingers through my hair, and crushed his lips down on mine. Shocked, I didn’t kiss him back, but he kept trying to coax me into it. It reminded me too much of last night.

Abruptly, I pushed Gunner away. “Gotta go.”

Pushing past him, I headed straight for the girls. “We gotta go.” The look on their faces told me they were not ready, but I didn’t have time for this. “I’m leaving. If you want to come, fine, but I’m going out to catch a cab.”

Walking through the crush of people, I instantly felt the walls closing in on me—my insides twisted and my knees wanted to give way. I needed air. Pushing through the doors, I propped myself up on the wall, bending at the waist and trying to get myself pulled together.

These damn anxiety attacks hadn’t gotten any better. The medicine, the therapy, nothing helped. The damnedest things set them off, and there really was no rhyme or reason to them.

After a couple minutes, I was finally able to catch my breath, and I pulled myself up. “Shit!” I jumped.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare ya ... again,” Gunner’s voice powered through the fog.

“I didn’t even hear you come up,” I said, clutching my chest.

“I didn’t want to bother you. Looked like you needed a minute.”

“Thanks. I’m good now. You can go back in.” I couldn’t be around him anymore. His smell was just too damn much.

“I just wanna make sure you get in the cab okay. Then I’ll leave ya alone.” Hearing the sincerity in his voice made me wish I could get the hell over Deke, but I needed time.

“Thanks. Sorry about in there.”

“No big deal. I thought you were feeling it, and I wanted to kiss those beautiful lips.” He smirked.

Clearing my throat, I knew I had to let this one go. “Look Gunner, you’re hot, and you definitely turn me on, but I’m not looking for that right now.”

“It’s the guy I smell like, huh?” His eyes focused on the parking lot, appearing to be in deep thought.

“I shouldn’t have told you that. I just could have sworn you were him when you brushed up against me. It’s not right to compare.”

“It’s fine. I was just looking for a good time.” His drawl seemed to get a bit deeper.

“Sorry, but that’s not me. I’ll dance, but anything else isn’t going to happen.”

“Well, whoever it is that smells like me needs to get his head out of his ass and not let you go.”

Turning, I smiled. “Thanks for that, but it was over before it even started. It was my own fault. Not that I really had a choice.” I focused on my feet. I didn’t know this guy, and here I was telling him shit about me that he didn’t need to know.

“We all have choices, Vann. Some are made for us and others are our own. If it’s something you really want, don’t give up.”

“Funny. For five years I held onto my hope, but in one night it was crushed. I’m a big girl, though. I’ll be fine.”

“You waited five years for this asshole?” he asked, surprised.

“Yeah. See, I had to leave town, not by choice, mind you, but it messed everything up. It’s my fault, but having to choose family over everything else is what had to happen.”

“Do you regret your choice?” Gunner’s tone sounded like he was a million miles away and not standing right next to me.

“Ahhh … tricky question. Yes and no. Yes, because of what I lost and what could have been. Not saying it would have been anything; we were both young.” Walking over to the bench seat, Gunner followed and sat next to me. “It’s hard to miss someone so much and everyday feel like a part of you is breaking and dying off.” After no response from him, I continued, “No, because I needed to grow up. I needed to learn how to handle my family and make something of myself.”

“And you figured it would all work out if you saw him again?”

Crossing my legs, I turned toward him. “Honestly, I didn’t know what to expect. I’d been waiting so long to see him face-to-face that I had all these scenarios in my head of how it would play out, but nothing like what happened.”

“Maybe he was just as shocked as you were.” Gunner’s voice was a low whisper, and I could barely make out the words.

“Maybe, but he said goodbye, something I didn’t let him do before, and I could see in his eyes that he meant it.” Turning back toward the lot, I added, “I just didn’t expect it to suck so badly.”

“Well, he’s an ass for letting you walk away.”

“Thanks, but it’s a two way street, and it wasn’t meant to be. I’ll be fine. I’m really sorry about tonight. You’re a really nice guy, but it’s just too weird.” I turned to look at him. “You know, if you cut and lightened your hair, shaved off your goatee, and had blue eyes, I swear you could be his twin. I thought at first I was imagining it, but sitting this close, I can really see it.”

“Well, if I were him, I wouldn’t be stupid enough to let you walk away.”

Giving him a half smile, I stood up. I need to get the hell out of here. “Thanks for tonight and listening to me ramble. I’m sure you will find someone inside with a lot less baggage.”

Gunner rose and stood next to me. Inhaling his cologne, I wanted to melt. Surprisingly, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a tight hug. I rested my head on his shoulder and returned it, closing my eyes and enjoying the comfort.

“Wait,” Gunner’s deep voice had me turning my head up to look in his eyes, our faces close.

“What?” I asked.

“Why didn’t you come home sooner?” I thought it was an odd question from him, but then again, it was one I didn’t want to answer so I shrugged. “Come on, Vann, why? It seems odd that you waited.”

I closed my eyes and pulled out of his arms. I needed some air. Sitting back down, I crossed my legs. “Stupidity.”

“What?” Gunner moved to sit next to me.

Blowing out a long breath, I said, “In my messed up, teenage brain, I believed my mom. She told me repeatedly that he had moved on, and after the millionth time of hearing it, I believed her. I mean, what would someone like him want with a bookworm like me?” I waved my arm up my body. “He was popular and had every girl falling at his feet. Me, though? I was a wallflower. I knew I wasn’t in the same league as him.”

“What changed your mind then?” Gunner’s hand touched my thigh, but I didn’t pull away.

“Me. I changed.” We sat in silence for a moment. “After I went to college and got away from my mom, I finally realized that I’m not the shit on the bottom of someone’s shoe. I’m worthy of wanting what I want. I guess you could say I gained some confidence.” I smiled over at him.

“Glad to hear it, because you are a beautiful woman.”

“Thanks.” I blushed.

Hearing the sound of a car pulling up, I glanced over to see the cab I asked the bouncer to grab me was parked and ready. “Sorry to cut this short, but I have to go. Thank you for tonight.”

“It was fun. Thank you.”

“For what? I used you like a therapy session. What a great night for you,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“Stop. It was great. It was nice to have a conversation that wasn’t hyped up on getting someone in bed.”

“Thanks, I think.” I didn’t know whether to take that as a compliment or an insult.

“Vann, just remember that, in life, lots of things aren’t what they seem. Sometimes it takes blind coincidence to pull in your favor. Sometimes it’s pure luck. Other times, it is persistence. Think about what you really want. You never know, this guy could be hiding and not ready to be found quite yet. It could be him and not you.”

As Gunner’s words began to sink in, I was mesmerized by his straightforwardness and willingness to give advice.

“Thanks.” Walking up to him, I threw my arms around him one final time. His strong arms pulled me into a tight hug. “Thank you for everything,” I whispered in his ear.

“It was nice to meet you, Vann. I’ll see you around.” Letting me go, he opened the cab door as I climbed in.

“Same here.”

Shutting the door, the cab took off. I couldn’t help but turn around to the man still standing there. If only it was a different time in my life, maybe it could have worked.

Deke

Fuck. I felt like I just experienced some out of body shit. Vann had no clue who I was, but she was damn smart. The comment about getting rid of my hair and changing a few things struck me. I should have known that if anyone would be able to tell, it would be Vann.

Luckily, alcohol played a role in keeping her thoughts away from the realization. But that fucking conversation. I wanted to know why she left. I’d wanted to know for five years, but couldn’t bring myself to talk to her. Anger was something that just ate at your insides, and I was too damn stubborn to let it go.

When she left, I couldn’t take it.

“What’s this?” I asked Mom.

“It was taped to the front door with your name on it,” she said curtly.

Who the hell would tape a note to the door? Texting, calling, emailing … but a letter. Really?

Climbing up the stairs to my room, I opened it.

She left? No, she didn’t leave. I just talked to her last night. She never said one word about leaving me.

Grabbing my keys, I ran outside and two doors down to her house. Banging on the door, my heart was beating feverishly. No answer. I slammed the door again with my fist, but nothing.

Running around the house, I peered up at Vann’s window. I’d climbed in it several times, and she always left it unlocked for me. Hoisting myself up, I found it open. Bingo.

Climbing in her room, everything was scattered. There were clothes, books, pictures laying aimlessly on the floor. The closet door was wide open, hangers dangling from the racks.

Shit.

Walking through the house provided the same picture. Everything was out of place and ransacked. If I hadn’t gotten the note from Vann, I would have thought they had been robbed.

She’d really left. Going back into her room, I slowly eased onto the bed. Lowering my head into my hands, a lone tear fell from my eye. She couldn’t have just left me.

Raising my head, I looked up to the ceiling; I thought God really hated me. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong in my life to keep having bad things happen every time I turned around.

Glancing at the dresser, I noticed a bunch of jewelry thrown about. Rifling through it, I didn’t see anything of significance. Looking down, I noticed the top drawer askew and something shiny caught my eye.

Inside was a long, black leather rope chain, and attached to the end was a key—a very old looking key with a long, rounded belly and a lone notch at the end. The top was rounded in several spots in a swirly design.

Reaching in, I picked it up in my palm, the weight of it heavy against my fingers. Clutching onto it for dear life, I wished that Vann would come walking in the room and say it was all a joke. But she never came in.

Eyeing the key, I realized this was the only connection that I had to her now. Slipping the key around my neck, I clutched it to my palm.

And five years later, I could still feel the rope of leather around my neck. Placing my hand on my chest, I could feel the key through my shirt. The rope was very worn since I had yet to take it off.

Heading back into the bar, I set my sights on grabbing Z and getting fuck out of here. Sliding up to him, I said, “Let’s go.” Z was still talking with Kinsley and Sawyer at the bar and, from that damn smile on this face, appeared to be enjoying himself. I wasn’t sure why he did this to himself; he knew these girls were off limits. They were the relationship type and that was not Z or I.

A slight brush of a hand on my arm caught my attention. Sawyer. I smiled politely at her. “Did Vann get in the cab okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Sorry about her. She’s just not herself right now.”

“It’s cool. She told me about it.”

Sawyer’s eyes bore into mine as she whipped her head around. “She told you about him?”

“Yeah.”

“But she knew you a whole five minutes,” she argued.

“Guess I’m easy to talk to.”

Sawyer sat for a bit, staring at me. “Huh. Well, he doesn’t know it, but he did a number on her.”

He did a number on her. What the fuck? I didn’t leave, she fucking did. Shaking my head out of my internal freak out, I focused on Sawyer.

“She said she had to leave.”

“Yeah, not by choice; her mom guilted her into it. She’s a piece of work. She tried to stay with her Grams, but her mom spewed a bunch of shit at her, and she believed it. Hell, she even tried to stay with me.” Turning to look me in the eye, she added, “I’m not sure what she told you, and she just has a lot to get over, but don’t count her out yet.”

Winking at me, she pulled Kinsley back out to the dance floor, leaving Z and me in the wake.

“Let’s go,” I growled.

“We gotta get some first,” Z argued.

“No. Not tonight. Let’s go.” Grabbing his arm, I pulled him to move.

“What the fuck is your problem?” Z barked at me.

“Nothing. Let’s go.” I let anger flow through me. I knew I was radiating some seriously mean vibes. I couldn’t put how I was feeling into words anyway.

“Fuck.” Z finished his drink and followed me out.

The car ride back was quiet, except for the roar of the Camaro engine. My mind replayed the entire conversation with Vann and Sawyer. She was guilted into going? Really?

Climbing out of Vann’s window, I ran. I took off until my body couldn’t move, and I couldn’t catch my breath. I hunched over and leaned against a large oak tree. The run did nothing to clear my mind, though. Did she even know how deep her leaving cut me? Did she even give a shit?

Jaxson left me, and now Vann. What the fuck was wrong with me that everyone I loved left? Tears freefell from my eyes, sadness roaring through me.

That was the last time I cried for Vann, and anger since took over. And I could deal with anger. I joined the gym and took every bit of frustration out on that damn bag, punching it ‘til my hands bled.

I thought I was over this shit.

“You gonna tell me what the hell’s going on?” Z muttered, breaking the silence.

“No.”

“Come on. If you want Vann, go for it.”

“If I wanted her, I would have her underneath me.”

“But instead you’re moping like a pussy.”

My hand instantly wrapped around the arm of his shirt, pulling him tightly. I knew my grip was rough, but I didn’t give a shit. “I’m not a fucking pussy.”

“Dude, chill.” Z didn’t even turn to look at me.

I released him and continued my blank stare out the window.